To whomever, the minion in charge at the Acme Build-a-Dom company may be,
Good afternoon. I am writing because I, having seen your ads raving about the new options on the UltDominantD8000, ordered your product and have been, shall we say, far less than satisfied with the results. I may have a mislabeled DomlyDom200 on my hands. I am hoping you can help to rectify the issues, or I can ship it back to you (minus a few bits that may be missing after I felt compelled to kick the living shit out of it a time or two… in my opinion, a more than justifiable act, and the company shouldn’t penalize me for it) for a refund.
First off, my model whines. A LOT. I attempted to see if it needed a shot of WD40, but the model strongly objected, so I had to abandon that effort. I also can’t seem to find a control switch for this particular problem… though it is often distracted by surprise bouts of oral sex. Regardless, the whining is nearly incessant. It wants more of this, needs more of that, nothing is ever right, it should be king of the universe, etc. It is enough to drive a girl out of her MIND. It not only whines, but it (and I’m not kidding you here) also pouts. (…) POUTS, I tell you! If whatever it is that is causing the whine is not immediately addressed, and with huge helpings of apologies and ass-kissing on the side, then it will alternately throw a fit or sulk in passive-aggressive silences, sometimes for days. Now, I KNOW I ordered the extra option of ‘clear communication’, but obviously that was either not installed or not activated. Either way, I am one more whine away from turning my purchase into the end scene from Terminator. Do you feel me?
My model (I named him, but honestly? I’ve gotten so used to just calling him ‘bane of my existence' under my breath that I can’t remember what I meant to call him) also has a major issue with inconsistent behavior. That was a major requirement I listed on the order form… CONSISTENCY. This is NOT what I got. I thought it would be a fairly simple type of programming, but I am left thinking my model was assembled by drunken, traumatized, retarded ferrets. It is prone to sudden changes in rules without notification, lack of observation and follow-through, (alleged) memory failure (maybe I’m anthropomorphizing here, but I question whether there is an actual data storage failure at work…), reneging on agreements, etc.. Let me put it another way… ever seen a fish fall off a hook and land on the dock or beach or whatever? You know what they do, right? Yeah… flop flop flop flop flop. (…) Welcome to my life. There had better be a hidden reset switch or something to fix this, or you’re getting him back in about 12 small boxes.
While there are myriad other issues, or varying importance/snarl induction, I will end with this final deal-breaker… the hair-trigger temper. It gets a bug up its mechanical ass and, without any of its processors kicking into moderate either its words or its actions, it goes OFF. This coincides with its logic capabilities going completely offline. It throws out arguments that defy all sense, it yells, stamps its feet, hurls insults, demeans, and degrades me (pretty sure I could have gotten all THAT behavior for free from an actual MAN)… I ASKED for both patience and logic, and the bonus option of the ability to control its responses to stimuli/stress, and what I got was an overgrown three-year-old set on causing as much hurt and damage as it can to its perceived ‘opponent’, with no regard to consequences (I refer you to the previously mentioned 12 SMALL boxes) or the negative impact on the person it is dealing with. In fact, at the risk of further anthropomorphizing, I’d almost swear the beastly thing ENJOYS the resulting impact (injury, damage, hurt… I can give you more synonyms than you can shake a stick at if it helps get the point across) of its lack of control and abandonment of logic and consideration. I never really loved the movie Fargo, but that woodchipper scene? Yeah, it keeps popping into my head with a certain fondness of late…
In closing, I request either an expert come and do whatever overhaul is needed to repair these and other issues, or you send me a container fit to put this thing in to ship it back to you (though I’m still not opposed to those 12 SMALL BOXES… just so you know) and get me my refund. I know your company hit hard times after all those Wile E. Coyote scandals, and I had hoped that with the settlement behind you, your focus would be laser-pointed to producing better products and providing excellent customer service. The former is obviously in serious question right now (though at least somewhat understandable if it was, in fact, a freak case of mislabeling and I was accidentally shipped the DomlyDom200), but I will retain faith in the latter just as soon as a technician shows up or I get a credit back in my checking account.
Yours in rancor,
A Fed-Up Submissive
- The Girl in the Woman
