The Longest Journey Starts With a Single Step

Good Sunday morning. Well morning to me. 

So while perusing another social media platform I came across a feel good story.. 

https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation/2020/07/04/bruno-bear-where-is-he-now/5373064002

It got me thinking How far have i traveled looked for a potential partner. 

See I know what I am looking for need want desire. 

The question I ask myself is how far, online, real life.. I come to the same side of the coin all the time. It has to be close enough to travel my career affords me the ability to travel and relocate. 

If my dynamic comes to that. 

That's all I wanted to say. Safe travels to all who are looking and relocating . 

Gloaming soft light shines thru the bathroom windows. Single pained windows cracked open, cool breeze flows thru moving the soft white curtains. 

The tile is cool underfoot. 

Soft white walls with shelves that hold canisters of soaps small rosette pink soaps. 

Washcloths, bath salts. Gardenia flowers picked from the garden in small clear glass vases. 

Scan to the claw foot tub under the far window. Stand alone white claw foot tub. 

Sterling metal pipes come up out of the floor to each white handle one for cold one for hot. 

A long chain attached to a bathtub rubber plug hangs over the spout. 

Water is turned on and warmed before the bathtub is plugged. 

While it's filling I dance around the bathroom singing " I'm a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my spout when I get all steamed up here me shout . *Up on my tip toes* tip me over and pour me out.. 

Padding over to the tub I swish the water around with my hand to check the temp. The warmth from the water wafts the smell of white ivory soap... Feeling the water is warm enough slipping into the tub it swallows me up.. Inhale sweet gardenia smell . 

Ivory soap on the wash cloth. Sitting up reach to turn the water off. 

Lean back in the tub sinking down so only my eyes and nose and top of my head are above the water. I watch eyes searching the room

Ears perked up. What am I at that moment????. Safe...safe I am I'm an alligator watching quiet no noise just the smell of grandma's ivory soap and the smell of Gardenias growing under the window.. 

Inhale exhale. 

This is where I want you to go when things in life get to be to much. 

This is where you will be safe.. 

Inhale for me and exhale 

When I count to 5 you will awake 

You will remember that this is your safe place when you need to breathe and be the sweet one you are go there. 

No one will understand this but me and some may say negative things about this blog and that's ok..

He was my friend my protector my keeper of dark and light. 

My heart my ghosts and demons he taught me to fight to achieve and overcome. 

I was one of many of his ports in the storm although our time was short he and I stayed connected my safe place is where I am is where he is. Is where I will reside while I process these feelings of losing my key keeper. 

I love you Jack and will see you soon.. I mourn for the loss of you. 

I am sad beyond what is normal for me.. 

Never having an outlet to show emotions and feelings growing up. Aside from crying in private or in my room .

That b.s. has carried on into my adult hood cry in private cry in the shower go to sleep, tomorrow things will be better. It was and is all bull crap...

I cried today as I said goodbye to what I thought was someone who I could honestly let into my life a friend. Who is poly we have been friends with strong attachment to one another for about 7 months.

When the phone conversation ended he apologized for hurting me because we severed ties it just wasn't what he or I needed. We both had alot going on with our lives . he said he didn't want to hurt me because he was wanting to end things.

I truly liked him and he liked me and me asking him why was he saying sorry was it because he was honest he said because I hurt your feelings . the tears slowly stung my eyes . I fought back the sobs ... 

Sobs not because of what he said. The b.s. that I have held in all week last week week before week before that. Don't show weakness be tough be strong carry the families problems . him saying sorry . I bitterly buried those tears. I kindly said there's no reason to apologize we will still be friends.

This blog makes no sense right now and maybe that's ok.

I did some self care and meditation today .

I think not crying and allowing myself to finally feel and ...as a juggler who keeps all the balls in the air may be I am juggling to many of other people's balls ie problems.

Maybe its time to give those juggling balls back to there rightful owner and allow them to keep there shit all together so I can fill my spaces with things that make me happy .

Instead of keeping to the sidelines of my own life I need to start living my life.

Alot of maybes and ideas for change . 

For right now I think a good cry is in order.

I some times wonder what if anything will come of me blogging as heck its hard to write what I'm feeling . I'm learning that the lifestyle is fraught with ups and downs. Trying to work on myself heck I have been carrying so many and so much for my family I sometimes fear I enable them oh mom will fix it deal with it pay for it. 

The old saying fish for a man he eats for a day teach a man to fish he can eat for a lifetime.

Its time to reteach and guide them to reassert there independence.

Wow totally off roading on my blog. 

Have a great evening 

Oh lort.. So for as long as I can recall.

I have had this affliction if you will to ahem.. Keeping my room clean I know what your thinking well maybe but anyway.

So fast forward well sooo many years ahead okay stop... I am able to work 12 to 14 hour hospital trauma shifts do all household chores and errands on the weekend. Lather rinse repeat. However... I am unable to put my clothes away .. Let alone when I strip out of hospital scrubs they kind of well sort of maybe not on accident don't wind up in the laundry basket* shrugs** I get them within close proximity.

So a good friend of mine within a phone conversation was discussing tasks, and asked me what I was bad at doing .. I chuckled ,cleared my throat and said well..!!! keeping my clothes picked up and put away... We laughed , and both decided to work on one task we absolutely need to get better at.  Mind you the rest if my home is pretty spotless except my bedroom. Which I do make my bed every morning. Clothes ugh the Bain of my existence. I laugh at writing this because another part of my phone convo was ,that when I was in a dynamic I was easily set to task . being out of a dynamic currently I have backslid a smidge..

Time to get my subby ass back on track.

Maybe musical energy would help me to put away my clothes .. And clean my room.

Maybe a clothes purge of what I haven't worn in a few months aside from scrubs.

Which leaves room in my closet for retail therapy maybe. But then would I put those clothes away also.

Hmmm decisions decisions..

                 she kneels

When she is on her knees

kneeling, naked, with Master's

collar on…

and reflecting upon Him

There’s a stillness in her soul

There’s peace in her heart

knowing she serves Master

There is a love that

runs deeper than the depth

of the sea

There is a devotion to Him

That words can’t define

When this girl  kneels

she gives Master her heart,

body and soul

 giving Him

 the imperfect girl

And despite imperfections

She is loved.

When on her knees

time stops, stillness comes,

and all there exists in her world

Is My Master and this girl

                      slaves prayer.

Allow me the strength to answer questions I can’t fathom.

Allow me the spirit to know His needs.

Allow me the serenity to serve Him in peace.

Allow me the love to show Him myself.

Allow me the tenderness to comfort Him.

Allow me the light to show us the way.

Allow me the wisdom to be an asset to Him.

Let me be able to show Him each day my love of service to Him.

Let me open myself up to completely belong to Him.

Let me accept my punishment with the grace of a woman.

Let me learn to please Him, beyond myself.

Grant me the power to give myself to Him completely.

Give me the strength to please us both.

Permit me to love myself, in loving Him.

For it is my greatest wish, my highest power to make His life complete, as He makes mine.

Watching the movie "EatPrayLove "movie tonight. Sometimes words of a quote  of a movie can just be impactful to a moment, a situation ,to even life.

"In the end, I’ve come to believe in something I call the ‘Physics of the Quest’, a force in nature governed by the laws of gravity. The rules of quest physics goes something like this: If you’re brave enough to leave behind everything familiar and comforting and set out on a truth seeking journey either internally or externally, and if you are truly willing to regard everything that happens to you on that journey as a clue,and if you accept everyone you meet along the way as a teacher and if you are prepared most of all to face and forgive some of the most difficult realities about yourself, then the truth will not be witheld from you."

So many thoughts on this. Because on my journey I have had so many stumbles so many going backwards shutting down. Trying to reach past the complacency disconnecting from things real life and on this platform . just feeling like I'm on cruise control .

It is depressing and frustrating and I know I am the one at the helm steering my journey .

Yes I read learn pray meditate that is a everyday task for myself.

The complacency comes from a learned behavior. To again compartmentalize it reared its ugly head when my mom passed in Dec.

And everything got locked back up again . sure my demons loved playing with the shut off and stuffed emotions.

Ugh to just have some release cry in the shower because to do so in front of anyone is well as I was raised not aloud .

So if I'm distant don't message soon or am just existing .

I am working some stuff out .

I am trying .

Calming music on.. Clock says 2 am finally lay head on pillow and as my mind drifts eyes closed. Focusing on calming music ..drift off .

vision of a backyard sunshine thru the trees. Warmth soft giggles child's laugh as that child looks at the wind chimes, focus in on her eyes how they light up . freckles ..  Brush strokes across construction paper ,small hands dipped in paint stroke the paper in time with the brush strokes. Grass painted green,horse brown, fingerpainted flowers. Laughter..

Hands braiding long brown hair, white babies breath these adult hands make a crown that sits on top of brown curls. Faces one older maternal one of a child laying looking up at the trees wind chimes.. Innocence lost, fear in the pit of my stomach..

Binding again and again deep blue ribbon around and around encircling the innocence lost. thicker and thicker the ribbon wraps more colors more layers.

Sadness.. demons to comfort that which is buried to keep safe buried. Let nothing close nothing in.

Compartments, boxes of emotions,feelings go placed organized, tears upon tears those unseen,  the mortar that holds the boxes together stacked upon one another shielding that which is wound tight protected by the demons buried by the talons of pain suppressing deeper.

Cracks in places of this wall of boxes, allow small peering of sunshine thru. That which caressed and made all things soft and kind on the other side of the wall over time warm and loosen the bindings of ribbon.

His voice strong, safe, calming let me see you... With patience, time softness, protection.. Helpless without Him.. His support.. His guidance it begins

Demons bury deeper avoid the light keep you protected.

Crashing down deep painful breath in imperfect broken boxes just the top layer painful sob. Tear deeper, hand pulls out each broken box, used , hurt, beat up edges.

All this... Breathe it is time. To much darkness demons growl digging talons In deeper 

Fear self doubt taunting no courage .. Holes where once there was a solid wall. Some may see a mess. Masks worn over years ripped away.

Hands on eyes afraid to look in mirror.

Like the light that softly pierced thru the wall of boxes full of feelings and pain and self doubt now shows thru  fingers covering eyes.

I look and see a blank canvas with frayed edges. His canvas 

Deep breath..

Forget all the faces you've missed
Remember the hearts that you've risked
It's when your tongue-tied
It's when you can't hide
You follow the words
You follow the words from the caves

Settle the bets from your change
Unbuckle the belt that's your pain
It's at the slack tide
Or when you can't cry
You follow the words
You follow the words from the caves

Take your last supply
To leave this home behind
Take your last supply
To leave this home behind

Tear up the letters you've saved
From all the love left astray
It's from the white lies
When you were knee high
You follow the words from the caves

Take your last supply
To leave this home behind
Take your last supply
To leave this home behind

If I could hold you
If I would dare
If I could save you
From standing there

If you could hold me
If you would dare
If I could stop you
From running scared
Scared

Take your last supply
To leave this home behind
Take your last supply
To leave this home behind

Natasha Blume - Journey (Ready To Fly) (Lyrics)

Oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh

When you commit to a path
I guess you were on your own
Follow your dreams to a place
A space, the grace, that takes you home
You don't have to tell me once or twice
Wonder why we're here
We just gotta stop the flood
Before we lose it all and drown from fear

But let me tell you
I'm ready to fly
I've survived through rainstorms, sandstorms
I fought the war
Now it's time to go home

Let me tell you
I'm ready to fly
I've survived through rainstorms, sandstorms
I fought the war
Now it's time to go home
It's time to go home
It's time to go home

Walking through the dark
Alone, no clothes, striking a light
Burning for the heat, the fire
The sparks, the love, to keep me alive
I'm captured for a gift
The thrill is how they live
One way track to hurt and to forgive
So i lift my head, open my arms
Give a sword to my heart

I said, let me tell you
I'm ready to fly
I've survived through rainstorms, sandstorms
I fought the war
Now it's time to go home
It's time to go home
It's time to go home

Pick me up off of the desert
Feed me water
Walk me through the hills
Wait until the sun shines upon us
As we cross the haunted hills
Pick me up off of the desert
Feed me water
Walk me through the hills
Wait until the sun shines upon us
As we cross the haunted hills

It's time to go home
It's time to go home
It's time to go home