Zach's thoughts

This is going to be a frustrated and hurt rant as I finally got closure to my last two blogs. If you don't care please just click away now. 

I just need a place to get some feelings out.

I was used and not in the fun way we normally think of in bdsm. In the bad way. By a heartless woman who used the good and stability I offer as a way to rebound. Used the love, peace and respect of an intimate relationship for a selfish reason to fix herself and then toss me to the side like a piece of trash. Because she is afraid to love and be loved.

Being used as a rebound, a stepping stone, a healing method is the most narcissist thing someone has ever done to me. Being cheated on was easier to process. Being ghosted after a year was easier to process. Being lead along that you are loved, respected and valued only to find out you never were... Yeah that makes my blood boil and I am not an angry person or someone to get mad by much.

This one fucking crushes me. I have never felt a hurt and sadness like this before. I have never been so mad at myself for falling for all her sweet talk and compliments and not stopping to think or ask the tough questions continuously (asked them at the start but not afterwards). 

Having someone who claimed to care about you and to be so happy with you. That "you check all the boxes and this is the healthiest relationship I've ever been in" all of a sudden say "I don't care about you" fucking hurts. No signs, no hey I'm having some doubts. Literally in the span of 72 hours all those feelings are some how gone and the time you've spent together means nothing..... and when you try to work it out. To talk like a mature adult it's received with anger and annoyance. Excuse me for caring about someone I loved and wanting to figure it out I guess. The big punch in the gut is nothing ever happened between us to cause these feelings. No arguments. No fights. Nothing.

Yeah I was used. How on earth you can do that to someone else I don't know. You have to be a pretty fucked up narcissist to behave that way. 

IF YOU ARE DAMAGED, DO NOT DAMAGE SOMEONE ELSE FOR YOUR OWN HEALING PURPOSES!

If you are damaged, traumatized, hurting etc... I hope you find the strength and courage to conquer it on your own and heal yourself. No one will do it for you. It starts with an honest and uncomfortable evaluation of yourself and life.

I have learned two things in this journey. First is that you can trust no one or very few people. Everyone seems to have their own motives and will stab you in the back or break your heart the second those motives are accomplished. Every time I am more cautious and slower to trust. Slower to open up. More observant of every message, every talk on the phone. Analyzing constantly if this person can be trusted. Yet, snakes still slither their way in and bite you, poisoning you. Then drain you, destroy your ability to trust others and run away using some nonsense bs claim that does not add up.

The second thing is no matter how careful you are in relationships you never truly know your partner. Whether it is a vanilla or bdsm relationship you will never truly know what goes on in their head. What they might be planning or feeling. How quickly they are willing to toss you aside with no warning, no conversations, nothing. Just a "I no longer care about you. bye". 

Be careful out there. You never know who you're talking to. Who you're truly in a relationship with and how quickly they will change at a moments notice. Always put yourself first. Protect yourself. Don't let the snake into the garden they will hurt you. They don't care and never will. Nor will they ever stop to think how their evil actions destroy other people, leave them damaged, hurting, lacking the ability to trust. 

Put your happiness and peace in yourself. You are your only true friend at the end of the day. The only one that will always be there. Everyone else is a luxury and luxuries run out, they have an expiration date and you don't know that date. Be careful. 

If anyone read this rambling, angry mess of a blog thank you

This blog is just going to be some random venting and a way to get some feelings out. I’m not really sure if I am looking for anything from this.  

Not really sure why I am on here anymore or involved in bdsm. My journey in bdsm has been good but also a lot of heart break and honestly, I don't think I can handle that again. Having the dream relationship and then it being ended out of nowhere, with zero signs and watching other parts of your life fall apart as an indirect result. I am questioning if I have what it takes to be a Dom anymore. Having the woman you love, who was "the one" say "I am no longer excited about you. Bye" fucking destroys you. Trying to make sense of that while still going about your day-to-day life, putting on a fake sense of happiness. When inside it’s a storm of confusion, sadness and anger (not at her. I have no bad things to say about her).

It was the first healthy bdsm relationship I had with no red flags or negatives I was ignoring out of ignorance/stupidity. Heck, it was the first time I had a relationship with someone that was healthy. No issues, no expecting me to fix them, no outside problems or traumas. A normal, healthy, stable girl and relationship.

 Yet, just like the other relationships it fell apart. My journey with bdsm has been neat, learned a lot about myself but also had a lot of bad and soul crushing moments. From a sub I dated for over a year moving across the country without a word while I was out of town for a weekend and finding out from her roommate when I went over the day I got back in town. To being cheated on, stolen from and ghosted more times than I remember. There is more there that I have probably suppressed and forced myself to forget. It’s leading me to think it is time to leave the lifestyle for good. I told myself a year ago when my last relationship ended to be extremely cautious and to make sure the next relationship would last. I did both those things yet it still didn't work. I had a long list of boxes that had to be checked by a potential partner, she checked all of them as we got to know each other without me ever saying anything.

We took it very slow at her pace which was slower than I thought of going at. The communication was the strongest I had ever experienced, that both of us had experienced. I have spent a lot of time reflecting, reading through our texts, thinking about our phone calls and the time we spent in person. For the life of me I cannot figure out where a mistake was made. Where the moment it started to unravel began. I’ll miss my Allie a lot (that is not her username on here so I can say it in my blog. Nor will any of you be able to figure out her username based off that). It's one time I would love to give a second chance because we all deserve one.

 I feel like something out there is saying "hey Zach this is not meant for you". I had that feeling after my last relationship ended last year. I can be pretty stubborn and came back to bdsm again. Promising myself to not let myself get hurt again. This time hurts more than the others and the idea to leave to lifestyle is forefront in my mind. But bdsm is a part of me and pushing that away won’t work.

If anyone read this long rambling mess of a blog post thank you.

When should you consider stepping away from bdsm? 

I had the best relationship I've been in end for no well explained reason. It has left me feeling broken and defeated. Being told "This is the healthiest relationship I have been in. Thank you for the respect, patience and care it means a lot. You're right there is nothing to fix or work on. I'm just no longer excited to talk to you or the fact you're moving close by. I don't think you're right for me. I have a random gut feeling telling me we won't last."

Now I get it gut feelings should not be ignored. But also when you're having a hard few weeks with stuff outside our relationship and mentioned two days prior of having an urge to self sabotage yourself maybe this gut feeling is off? Our break up happened on a Saturday. The Wednesday of that week I received the nicest message saying the exact opposite of the quote above. It was along the lines of "I am so grateful for our relationship. How you treat me and excited to see how our relationship blossoms with the distance being gone." 

I just don't get it because we literally did not have a single fight, argument or anything. Looking back over my journals I can't find a time I made a mistake that could have lead to this unexpected break up. It is all so confusing and defeating. Giving such a vulnerable, intimate and special side of yourself to someone. Finally having a real healthy relationship for the first time, no drama or trauma. Just two adults who share a lot in common being happy together. I get you can't make sense of everything but this one stings and I have hoped there would be clarification or better yet we reconnect. 

I'll stop there out of respect for her if she sees this blog ever and not share anymore details. That's a small back story to explain the question at the top.

When is it time to step away from bdsm? I am in the position in life to look for a relationship and found a healthy one yet it still couldn't last. It has become tiring to give yourself to someone. To build an environment where you both feel safe, respected, seen, listened to, valued and is healthy. Only to have it fall apart.

Is this life or what ever you want to believe in saying you need to walk away from bdsm? I've had some bad endings to relationships but that was from my own doing. They still hurt but not like this. 

I do not know where I am going with this blog or how long it will be left up for. Thank you for reading my incoherent rambling. 

This will be a short one.

How do you ask for help? When everything is falling apart around you and it feels hopeless.

You worked your ass off. Went through hell to find stability, better yourself and reach new heights. For it to all get ripped away and crushed once again.

The hardest thing for me is as a Dom asking for help and saying everything isn't okay. We are meant to be the stable and strong one at all times.

How do you keep getting up and fighting back? Because getting knocked down so many times gets old after a while.

My priorities used to be about career success (my own business), money, the nice house, the dream D/s dynamic and taking care of my family.

Those priorities changed. Now I realize I need stability. I will still take care of my family, help others in some way and have the dream D/s dynamic (at least I hope) but stability has become the most important.

How do you create or find stability during a time of turmoil?

Or maybe the real question that needs to be asked, is seeking stability a lost cause because it never truly exists? 

Thanks for reading this short rambling of what's going on in my head.

Let's talk about honesty. There has become a sad trend in the community of people on both sides not being truthful. It hurts to see because honesty is the best policy. The truth releases you from worry and regret.

This lifestyle is all about trust, honesty, respect and communication. Without those what do we actually have here? I don't know about you but I would never play with or date someone who did not exude those values in every aspect of life.

Is there somewhere it said to start ignoring those? It leaves me scratching my head at times. BDSM is incredibly intimate and requires a lot of vulnerability. One's trust is not to be taken advantage of.

What happened that makes dishonesty so common? Is it because of ego or maybe a fear based response?

If so it's time to do some work and learn to love and accept yourself before looking for a partner. Embrace your flaws and mistakes from the past. Learn from them in order to become a better version of you.

This especially goes for us Dominants. How can we be trusted with a power exchange if we have not learned to control ourselves first? Our real job/goal as a Dom is to help our sub become the best/most outstanding version of themselves. We have to master oursleves first.

When you realize someone is lying to you how do you handle it? For me it depends on the person or I should say how long I've known them. If it is a good friend I'll give them an opportunity to explain. People deserve a second chance because every one of us has been given one at some point.

The next time you catch yourself typing a message or saying something you know is not the truth. Just be honest. Yes, it is scary in the moment, maybe even painful but own up to the truth. Let it out because it always comes to the surface.

The truth will always set you free. Be honest. Have integrity. Show respect to yourself and others with your actions and words.

-Zach

Welcome to my blog. After six years of being on this site I finally decided it was time to create one. With some encouragement from a friend who’s told me a few times over the years I am a great writer and should share that gift. Although, I still find sharing my thoughts with strangers to be difficult. Life's lessons have shown me the value of privacy, but that's a topic for another blog post. Anyway, I am not sure if this blog will have a theme or not yet. Most likely it will be whatever I feel inspired to write about in the moment. So hope whoever reads this enjoys it.

The importance of communication-

This topic was inspired by a conversation with the friend mentioned above when we were discussing the importance of communication and how so many people seem to struggle with effective communication. In a bdsm dynamic as well as in life, communication is the most important value. It is what leads to you being able to build trust, respect, integrity, empathy, foster a healthy relationship and more. By communicating effectively, you grow as an individual and become a better version of yourself. You will notice a stronger and deeper connection with those in your life. I’ve heard countless times how “bdsm creates a connection you cannot experience elsewhere” that comes from being able to communicate. It is a lesson I personally learned the hard way as a young and immature Dom who thought he knew what being Dominant meant. By failing to communicate clearly it destroyed a beautiful long term relationship with a woman I wanted to marry. Then again, I learned an equally valuable lesson two years later (ironically when I was in a dynamic with the same friend who told me to start this blog) by communicating way too much at once (or trying to, she wasn't responding and rightfully so) and watching the relationship blow up in my face and leaving someone I care about hurt.

With communication it is a fine balance of knowing how much to say and when to say it. When you see a profile, you want to message sending an essay of an introduction message is just as effective as sending a single sentence. Most likely you will not get a response. Every person on here is a human being, no matter their title, kinks, fetishes, claims, limits, experience etc.... they are a person, and you talk to them as one. Approaching someone and demanding instant submission or Domination is a sure-fire way to not get a response, be blocked and create a bad reputation for yourself. To build the desire to submit or Dominate another you must talk for days, even weeks before reaching that point. Truly understand who that person is, what motivates and inspires them. What are their core values. Drives them to get up every day and work hard. What changes do they want to make in their life and the reasoning behind them. What are their goals, where do they want to live or do they not want to move. You need to know the small often overlooked details like what is their favorite movie, show, food, color, their happy place etc. All of that and more should be talked about in detail and should take days to cover. This applies to Doms and subs.

Only then should you approach the topic of BDSM and explore each other's interests in this realm. This approach allows you to genuinely understand someone on a deeper level before delving into kink. Understanding their personality, values, and interests beyond BDSM helps establish a solid foundation for the relationship. While compatibility in kink preferences is important, it is equally crucial to share common ground outside of sexual interests. A perfect alignment in kinks alone does not guarantee a fulfilling relationship if there is little compatibility in other aspects of life. By prioritizing getting to know each other extensively first, you can build a relationship that is based on mutual respect, understanding, and shared interests, ensuring a stronger and more sustainable connection in the long run. When it comes to creating a deep connection with another it takes clear and concise communication. Without being over the top/too demanding or saying too little.

At the end of the day the golden rule of "treating others the way you want to be treated" will lead to amazing conversations and better relationships.

The last thing for this blog on communication. Let yourself be vulnerable, it is okay. You are talking to a random person online. Do not ever lie (blog about trust/lying to follow). Let the truth out and be accepting of it. When you are honest and have nothing to hide it frees you. If the person you are talking to truly cares about you they will not judge or use what you share against you.  That is the ultimate form of communication and trust.

Communication is a skill. Like all skills it is one you must practice to master.

Thank you for taking the time to read my first blog. Hopefully it was not all over the place and one person learned something helpful from it.

-Zach