im just gonna be blunt here......and tell you yes you....we need to talk about ""red flags""
and yes i mean red flags as in...when you are talking to a prospective Domly....pay attention to the things that they tell you.
First of all...experience. yeah yeah yeah ....there are those who show up in here and talk all about how they are 18 but dont let that get in the way...you are gonna be soooo surprised when you learn how mature they are. Now im gonna take my gloves off and speak very frankly and i expect everyone to take this seriously. Mature???????? mature is good but Masters are Masters for good reasons. they have experience and they are very very good at what they do. they can tune into their partners body and know when enough is enough and when its time for after care and yes when there are dangerous signals and yes ive known people who have had to call for help. But let me tell you......being mature is great ....but there is a whole lot more that rolls into being a BDSM Master.
So when someone is 18 and claiming that they have Mastery level skills in BDSM it screams..RED FLAG. And by the way ....red means stop do not proceed with them. You dont want to be tied up and have things done to you to overstimulate parts of your body by someone who has spent 10 years of his puberty and teens controlling his star wars toys. that just isnt a great idea.
And lets go back to experience...yeah the star wars toys or their sisters barbie dolls or maybe the family pets but if you hear that actual flesh and blood human beings were being dominated then we are talking minors pure and simple. if you are told that adults were dominated then all you are facing is a really spoiled controlling little brat. Do you want to be dominated by someone who is operating with nothing more than a childs mentality. Cause lets be honest here ...who has time to hang out with a child in an adult body when there are other adults out there to be found?
And there are those of us who have put time into creating a profile. when someone emails you here and has definitely not read your profile.....its a red flag. they have in fact disregarded you and your profile by not reading it...what will they do to you when you are playing with them? Will they disregard your limits? You can end up dead by not paying attention to red flags.
And if someone for instance states that they love degrading their subs and you KNOW that you are not interested in that....you need to clearly state that. but if they continue to talk about it ....or you feel like they are trying to convince you to alllow it to happen to you....its a RED FLAG.
Never ever let anyone force you to do anything you dont want to do unless you have discussed it before hand. Some subs are into consent non consent and that is a totally dangerous game. Before you play this game make sure you have researched it and that you TRUST the other person completely meaning that you have played a lot with them and you know you can trust them not to intentionally or unintentionally hurt you.
And ghosting as i have learned its called recently. when you meet somone online and chat awhile and then suddenly they disappear. could be you cammed for them. could be you sent them sexy pictures of yourself. you are likely to be used for someone to masterbate if you easily give up pictures of yourself or go on cam. Now if that is your kink and you sexually get off to it...then by all means have at it.
But another reason for ghosting can be that person is married. if contact between you is totally initiated and controlled by them chances are they are sneaking around some kind of family. there again if your kink is being that other person then by all means enjoy the fuck out of yourself. but DO NOT come in here into chat and bitch about it to everyone. You can decide to be someones toy ...but then you dont get to change your mind. the only choice you have then is to quit the activity.
One of the oldest tricks that i have experience watching male Dominants do is the sub and slave switch. They agree to you being their submissive. and early on in the beginning of the relationship you make a mistake and they seem to blow it totally out of proportion. and before you know it they are telling you that all will be forgiven if you agree to be their slave instead. AGAIN....BIG FAT RED FLAG.
the minute they try the switch with you its time to block them totally from all communication with you. if they tried to pull that off on you there is no telling how many times you are going to have to be on your guard as they continue to try to get you to be their slave instead. save yourself the aggravation and walk away.
And yes our hearts get tangled up in our shit...and we fall in love....and it can be tough but in the end you have to think about what is best for all of you.
TPE is total power exchange ....someone who gets you to agree to that...will take complete control of you and your life and quite possibly your money. you could end up working and they could take every dime you make. and then be told what to wear when to wear it. or what you cant wear. who you can talk to or who you cant. you wanna see them grandkids well think again...it needs to be okayed with the Dominant. you want to see your family for christmas? think again.
So be careful what you agree to. Before you seriously chat with someone.....make it known you only want online contact. And if you want R/L which is real life...you had better damn well know what you want real life to be like and what you will and wont agree too. and put slave on the top of that list. make slave be something you can decide to do later down the road
And long distance......long distance is hard. its not easy. your insecurities play up and can make you nuts. so if you dont want the hassles of long distance then tell someone early on that you cant do it. maybe online only. let me tell you from experience its hard having a relationship with someone who lives 1000 miles away from you.
And poly now there is a huge fat kettle of stuff that can be a real challenge for a new sub. again know what it is that you want. if you dont want to share your Domly then poly is not for you. However sharing that Domly means that you will not always be ""on call"" it means you will have more freedom.
and for all you beginners it sucks finding yourself faced with being a new sub with no experience and adding long distance on it...and then tacking on the Domly is poly. its really tough to navigate and survive all those challenges. Im not saying that long distance and poly are red flags. im just saying that if you put those challenges on your plate you are going to have to do some hard work to conquer the challenges you will face.
The biggest red flag of all is when you are chatting with someone and you just get the feeling that they are not listening to you. if that doubt circles around in the back of your brain....its a red flag.
thank you Nageena for that explanation about yourself. many will no doubt be clueless about the truth that you speak. we all know that for some ......we will notice that being a submissive just seems like its who they are....and the same can be said for Domme's and Dominants alike.
i have felt for a long time that some people are neither and instead of embracing that they are a free spirit such as yourself they pick or choose something for them that ends up only being a label they have attached to themselves.
there again just like any other choice we all have in this life.....its okay if someone chooses a label; just like its okay if a sub just wants to be someones playtoy as long as they are happy ...then we should all be happy for them.
but the people who concern me the most are the ones who just never seem to be happy regardless of which label they choose for themself. W/we can only hope that everyone who is interested in the BDSM lifestyle is able to find and achieve a relationship that works for them. And that the relationship ends up being everything and more than they have ever dreamed of.
and so i applaud all the free spirits out there. i love the gypsy mindset completely. now that i have considered free spirits more i see gypsy, mermaid,fairy and hippie all wrapped up together. and i love it!
there is a saying:
She has the soul of a Gypsy,
the Heart of a Hippie,
and the Spirit of a Fairy!
and so Welcome Nageena and thank you for having found us and taught me about free spirits!!!
So if you cut me out of your life.....don't worry
You will be fine......and i will be fine.
its called life.
and come to think about it...i might just be great.
i have a history of being able to pick myself back up and find a new direction for myself.
Over time many people just end up going their own ways and that is okay.
i invested time in you when you needed it.
i called it responsibility and i showed you respect.
Whether you agreed with my choices or not......i did what i could and what i had to do.
And it's okay cause you seem to no longer be a fan of mine.....dont worry i am no longer a fan of yours.
I am a unique amazing person.
I met you on my way to building a vibrant healthy life.
but you are no longer a good fit for me.
You enjoy way too much drama for my tastes.
I have grown as a person, as an artist, and as a submissive and I have grown away from you.
My vision has sharpened
I now have great clarity
I am getting ready to go out into the world to slay more dragons.......
there is a future full of possibilities ahead of me now.....
problem is .....there is no room for you.
Please feel free to enjoy my rear view mirror because that is where you will stay.
so.....we all have our fantasies.....and some of us have bucket lists....upon which are written ideas of stuff we would love to do...years ago before i met Sir i had quite a lengthy list...and a lot of it was sexual fantasies...which one by one....Sir fulfilled to where i need to dream new dreams. but on my list was ...standing in an ocean. and so on one of my trips to meet Sir i flew to San Diego where He lives and so during that trip i did in fact end up being able to stand in the Pacific Ocean.
as i was standing in the ocean i noticed my shadow on the water and so i took out my phone and took selfies of my shadow on the ocean. and Sir laffed at me telling me HE knew what i was doing out in the ocean. and i took other pictures of which i later painted an oil painting from as a gift for Sir's birthday.
so as Sirs mom was dying He placed His painting in His mothers room for her to look never mentioning that He had done that. and she passed. and He left for vegas for a week once everything had calmed down so that He could relax a little bit.
today Sir called and started telling me about sharing the painting with His mom and it made me happy that He shared my gift like that. and then the story unfolded about Him returning from vegas to find that the painting was missing. and He related that He sent one of His sisters a message asking about what happened to the painting. turns out she ransacked the house looking for things she can sell for money and had the nerve to steal His present. luckily she returned the painting intact.
there was a time i would have flown off the handle and been angry about it...and all i could summon myself to say is oh my god what a bitch she is. but i would have been angry if she had managed to sell it and it had ended up in the possession of a stranger since the last thing i had painted on it was my shadow so that even though Sir and i are long distance....my shadow makes it possible for me to be with Sir all the time.
so i had no idea what a can of worms i would open with my last post but here we are.
and yes most folks seem to be looking for their Domly or their sub or slave.
there are many things to consider and be aware of and ill try to help here if i can.
First of all......get yourself a journal or a simple theme book like the kids all use in school and dedicate it to your search.
Take the luxury of a couple of pages....and.....write down what you feel you need in a relationship....keep it simple and explore what you are looking for and write it down so that when you are in the heat of the moment and talking to someone that you might actually end up in a relationship with....you can speak intelligently about your needs and wants and hopefully avoid misunderstandings between you both. more about needs and wants in a few moments.
Now life choices. yes i am not a young chickie and neither is my Sir a spring chicken. But Sir knows His stuff and i have been completely and thoroughly content and happy with Him. He has shared emails written to Him by other subs and i have come to some conclusions which i will share with you.
There is some wisdom in the saying about there being a season for everything. There is the time for your childhood, and overlapping it is the time for your education and then so on ...marriage, children, and when you go through certain trials and periods in your life they are all like seasons. our life changes as we go through different periods in our lives. everyone who is serious about achieving some form of the lifestyle may pursue it at different times of their lives. and that is all fine ...there is nothing wrong with deciding when is your time. but there are things to consider.
When you find your plus one....you want to be your very best, your most desireable and you want to be able to focus on them and the relationship without other distractions. and that means have your education completed or at least have that bachelors degree, have a job working in your field of expertise ...pull yourself together. And lets face it....by the time someone has that degree they are way more mature then when they started. A college degree is life changing. Try not to be a financial mess either. No one really is thrilled to take on someone who brings a lot of debt with them.
I have heard my Sir tell young women to finish their education and get a job and then contact Him and He will talk to them then.
So back to the journal or notebook. Once you figure out what you are looking for in a potential plus 1. Then write about what you need for yourself out of a relationship. Need might be you need the other person to be poly because you are interested or feel you are poly. Or you need them to live close because you know you cant do a long distance relationship. Write about other stuff that you may not necessarily need but that you want down the road. stuff like you want to relocate where, some ultimate goals.
And keep your journal handy so you can pull it out at times and refer to it. If you participate in chat and you have questions that dont get answered write it down.
If anyone chats with you and you liked them....write down their name in your journal and write down your impression good or bad.
If you have your act together and know exactly what you want your chances of finding it are much better.
In my case i didnt know about poly, found myself facing a long distance relationship and i knew NOTHING about submission or the relationship i would enter into down the road. Problem was i never believed in love at first sight. I felt that love grows and that you grow to love someone. Was THAT a mistake. Suddenly i discovered i had fallen in love, had no control over it, He was poly and we were gonna have a relationship with 1500 miles between us. For me it was like having my own personal pandora's box and opening it without a clue of what lay ahead. After fighting the fact that i loved Sir deeply i ended up realizing that i could not walk away. I fought jealousy and all kinds of insecurities for a few years before finally accepting that a relationship with Him was gonna be what it was. Suddenly one day i realized that i was going to have to work and work hard...because having this relationship with Him was going to be worth the effort. my new motto was...anything worth having is worth working for. and it was true.
So yes i did not find a completely ideal relationship at first. but i can tell you that my hard limits such as no poop or urine, animals, minors, needles and blood have always been followed. If you find yourself speaking to someone seriously who happens to admit to you that they have ignored a subs hard limits you need to think seriously about this. chances are if they did it once they are likely to do it again..and chances are it would be against you. And so Run away dont walk. Hense why you NEVER EVER give personal information early on in the relationship. Cause now you would have to block them from everywhere they can contact you. And figureing out how to block in facebook and yahoo may end up being a pain in your ass. so avoid it...dont give out any personal information early on.
Another totally big danger signal ...a very serious one is mental illness. The rule of thumb when someone is just beginning to take a psyche drug for any reason is that it takes 4 to 6 weeks to achieve a therapeutic level in them. And even then it may still not work and they may need to start over with a new drug. These are fact. If someone is schizo or bi-polar and not taking their medications routinely ...you better think twice about playing with them. In my life they dont even get sex. When people dont take their meds routinely its known as being non-compliant on meds. Anyone speaking to a new prospective person has a right to be able to enquire about whether the other person is on psyche meds. Of course people can lie. And they do. I once knew a sub who claimed she took one extra pill and then slipped that she was airlifted. People who get airlifted are seriously ill....not sure taking one extra pill qualifies for that.
I wish i had a buck for every time someone has disclosed to me that they arent taking their meds. they were feeling better and dont need them. and its bullshit. if you have a diagnosis and medications are prescribed to you to help you control an illness its your RESPONSIBILITY to take them as directed. And im very dead serious when i state that...no one regardless of what disease or illness they have.....has the right to expect some Domly or sub or slave to come along and micro manage them to the point of forcing them to take their meds. Bottom line is ...if you are not ADULT enough to fucking take your own medicine then you have absolutely no fucking business expecting to have an emotionally deep relationship with another adult because emotional personalities can change drastically when you are non-complaint with your meds. You have no right to force yourself un medicated on someone else. You have no business even pursueing a realationship while you are not yourself. You would not like it if someone did that to you.
TPE- means total power exchange. if while you are talking to someone and they tell you that want TPE you had better damn well know what the hell they mean. If you agree to TPE you can be ordered to sever your family connections. Your time on the internet can be cut back. If you agree to TPE and you move in and live with them then if for instance you are planning on visiting the grandchildren for christmas you can be told you cant go that they NEED you to stay home and spend christmas with them. While talking and before you accept a collar you better know exactly what you are agreeing to.
Very early on in my experiences i traveled to Ohio to live full time with a Dom. It took me a couple months to realize that He had a Parkinsons diagnosis. And when he and i were talking about the terms of our relationship he had a spaz fit over something small and got me to agree to be His slave to make amends for some silly thing i had done. Its the oldest trick in the book getting someone to agree to be a slave instead of a submissive. But down the road when this man looses control of his body and is still mentally alert he wanted a slave that would have to care for him so he wouldnt be placed in a nursing home. Dont be that stupid. And it shows you that i made mistakes at first that i learned from. My current Sir ...its different...if He needs me to nurse Him...i will. thats the difference that love makes.
Every so often i hear of a sub who has a new Dom but the problem is they havent heard from them in such and such a time and then no phone calls only texting or skype or blah blah they are sending the Domme money and she never seems to have time for them.....smarten up. Dont send anyone any money not even if they call it tribute. Dont send anyone any sexual pictures of yourself. If someone wants you to skype and wont skype back..dont...they are using you so they can masterbate. Bottom line is ..if some request makes you uncomfortable...then DONT DO IT. There are no cyber police. if someone is pissing you off making demands of you and you dont want to do it...then dont. just leave..and leave them hanging and if they try talking to you further block their ass. No one will see you out in real life and whisper ...theres that sub that leaves when an ass hole bothers them. make this about yourself. dont let the idiots use you.
and now the slave and submissive stuff. a submissive can have limits and can set boundaries and refuse to do stuff when they really dont want to do something. a slave cannot. a slave is expected to do everything their Dominant demands. A submissive can have safe words.....a slave may not. In my personal opinion starting out a submissive is a great thing. You learn about what you like and dont like to do. what can get you off sexually and what cant. what thrills you and what disgusts you. Do all the exploring you want. NOW once you have had great experiences and have that once in a lifetime relationship with a Dominant whom you can totally trust and follow then by all means explore becoming their slave. but make that decision WITH your Dominant. Have that journey as a deepening of your relationship with your Dominant. have it be something really special between the both of you. Make it a memorable experience. Becoming someones slave is a deepening of your submission, its very primal you really tear yourself down to your innermost being when you become a slave. really be aware of what it can be for you.
and through it all make your journal your best friend. write everything you experience down on its pages. and may the forces of the universe hear you and send you someone special.
Peace and good luck
So we all have those moments where we get a message from a new chatter.
This one started with......hi im looking for a sub.
(smirks) oh well thats nice right??????
So i ask....and how much experience do you have??????
and the answer is .......years and years of experience....(insert eye roll right here)
so .......i ask...and i know i shouldnt cause i split my gut laffing everytime i get one of these answers back.......
how long was/is your longest relationship with a sub?.........
(now wait for it)
well i only keep them for 2 to 3 months.
and well....its one of the shortest conversations on the topic a girl can have.
and then thoughts swirl around in my mind....considering just what it is this person is doing to other women.
but moving on
there can be a range of different answers.....serious answers to my question...the one about his longest relationship with a sub.
and regardless of whatever answer you get.....your next question is.....
oh so can i have the phone number....(of whatever sub or slave has been claimed) so that i can call her/him and talk to them.
And you want to ask this person questions such as....
what is playing with this person like
are you still playing with them
if not .......why did you stop playing with them
and you have every right to ask this prospective Dominant or sub or slave if they have any pictures of their work and if so can you see them however do not at this point send any naked pictures of yourself.
Dont for any reason give anyone your personal information, phone number,address...nothing. the emails here on the site are sufficient. Make them talk to you through the emails.
or i suggest that you make a new independent yahoo or gmail account and make it interesting...or put your nic from here on it. and let someone contact you on that account.
a friend of mine was stalked in real life....the stalker took real pictures of her. She turned down his advances. He found her horse in a public stable and poisoned it not once but twice. The security cameras at the stables caught him and pictures were found on his phone of her. So he is sitting in jail waiting for trial but the horse is dead.
be smart and wise about meeting someone new. talk to them for months not days before you consent to exchanging phone numbers or any other personal information. be careful.
if or when you go and meet someone. tell someone you trust that you are meeting someone. make arrangements to call them an hour into meeting someone. and also plan on calling your safe person once you part ways with the person you meet. give that person the name of this person and all information you have on them in case you evaporate.
this is your life you are playing with. it wont take long before you see what nutbags are running around in here. dont take a nutbag home with you they are NOT that much fun in the long run.
dont take chances with your life.
I guess that for some of the chatters here it seems they are clueless as to who the staff are and to whom they should go to when they have issues. In case anyone is still confused the persons in charge are NOT ME.
So when some arrogant Dominant decides that some chatter in the room is underage its NOT my call. Its NOT my business. And i work enough in my life its NOT my job or responsibility to card any of the chatters here.
I come here to chat with like minded individuals. As long as chatters can carry on a conversation i have no issues with interacting with them.
And i think everyone needs to be reminded that not everyone has an above average IQ. And some chatters may not be as quick to type their thoughts as the rest of us again You wouldnt like it if you were singled out that way.
And while chatters here may be Dominants...there is no such thing here as chat room domination. NOBODY except the staff gets to decide anything. So if you think someone isnt real enough to be here learn to mind your own business. And for whatever other reason you feel that someone does not meet whatever idiotic criteria you have again ...mind your own business or look for Evangeline or Assad. NOT ME.
Today in our chat room a chatter was not confronted but the accuser waited till she left to stick his knife in her back and twist it. And he dragged me into it. I come here to chat. not to be party to some tired old idiots attempt to pick on a younger chatter.
Attacks such as these are completely disrespectful, undignified and not anywhere close to classy at all. And i wont be party to any of it. Todays attack was shameful.
Lifestyle - the way a person or a group of people choose to live or exist.
Well in the short experience i have had i can say that i have found it interesting when speaking to available subs or slaves who are in the market and looking around for a Dominant of their very own.
I have heard my Master when approached by a young sub tell that sub to go to school and get a degree and get a job in their field and get established. And THEN contact Him and HE will consider them. Which makes sense....do your education first and get situated in life and then your thoughts can turn to your submission.
I have also spoken with a number of young submissives who were upset that they were released. And i would have to say that you cannot expect a Dominant to come along and take an interest in you when you should be taking medications for various physical illnesses and you are not. I get it that at first certain medications make us feel lousy or have side effects but sometimes they go away. And sometimes you need to try something else. I have had discussions with subs who were bi-polar, ADD,ADHD and schizophrenic and non-compliant with their meds. And i think this point needs to be made and that is that you cannot expect a Dominant to come sailing along and agree to spending all kinds of energy making sure that you take your meds for whatever ailment you have. Not many Dominants that i have met so far are into micro-managing a sub that much that they are willing to put up with that and commit to that being part of their daily life. And lets be honest. Some people with psyche issues can end up being totally different people when they are off their meds compared to being on them. A Dominant may decide that they do not like the difference in personality. And they may end up caring for you more and wanting to invest more time in you when you are on your meds.
So refusing to take your meds may end up not being to your best advantage. I cannot stress that enough. Being someones submissive or slave means that you are being an adult and adults take their medications because that is what is expected of them by our society. Its one thing for a Dominant to just check to see if you are okay but expecting them to take loads of time to convince you to take todays meds is insane. If you want to act like a child then entering the lifestyle may not be for you. Unless of course your Dominant decides that they want to go through all the grief and drama that you refusing your meds is going to reap for them.
So it seems that when we all put our best selves forward we stand the chance hopefully of having meaningful viable relationships with peole who we can care for and who will care for us in return. You want a Dominant to look at you and be impressed with you and want to get to know you because you never know where it will lead you. But if your personality and your actions turn off prospective Dominants then you have no one but yourself to blame for your inability to find or attract a Dominant of your very own.
A quality submissive or slave will have their life in order (and financially as well) or close to it and be ready to face and make hard decisions if they need to. Life isnt easy but in the end hopefully for all of us it will be worth it. Be the very best YOU that YOU can be at all times because YOU never know just WHO will be watching you, evaluating you and trying to decide if they are interested in a relationship with you. And you are responsible for your life, not your parents, or who ever else you want to blame. A quality submissive or slave will be responsible for themself. They will not have excuses for their hurdles. Everyone has hurdles. And anything worth having in life is worth working for.
If you want this lifestyle then get yourself ready, put yourself together so that you will be ready when the forces of the universe send you that special someone.
Well its no secret that in ""the lifestyle"" there are plenty of people with attitudes that are a little quirky. And and lets be honest here.....some of us are also working and chatting here and there and keeping tabs on folks. And with the way cyber land is you may not get an answer back from anyone immediately. So you leave a message and you go on doing what you are doing keeping an ear tuned to hear the familiar gong noise and there is nothing wrong with that.
Dishes need to be washed, clothes put away, stuff cleaned, phone calls answered and for the most part what you need to do is no ones business. right?
And getting back to quirky attitudes we meet, we chat and people all say some of the greatest stuff you will hear. And then there are people who get all butt hurt because you answered someone in the chat room before them. And im going to be honest here....im looking to see which ones of my girl friends are logged into chat before i check out the cock owners.
And i have 5 years experience collared and so i have girl friends who are subs or slaves and collared. And NO i didnt call my best vanilla girl friends and tell them...."this shit is the bomb you need to watch 50 shades and then join up!" Sorry these are women i have met on my journey.
But i can pick up my phone and call one of them and its possible that her Sir will see its me and answer since that particular girlfriend might currently be challenged by a bit of well placed rope and answering her phone is impossible for her.
And guess what? i can talk to everyone of the Domly's (as i lovingly call all of them) like a friend. there is no thou shalt treat me in a manner that i have made up or else. nope none of that bullshit
So.....imagine how much i had to laff when i checked out a profile and the owner of it wrote.....i do not answer to hi or hello and a list of other crap of course (insert eye roll here).
Can anyone tell me if Dear Abby, Martha Stewart, Dear Heloise, any world leaders or The Hallmark Channel have recently worked together to issue a statement declaring that the words Hi and Hello are no longer the planet earth's customary friendship greeting?????
Heads up.....until that happens then all this gobbly gook that some people think is cool on their profiles is stupid. Stating that you dont answer to hi or hello is stupid. And all this other crap that is stated just because someone is a Dominant or a Domme.....get real.
Just so some of you people understand.....until someone agrees to accept your collar ...or you have collared someone....then you demanding to be respected when you are throwing out gallons of garbage is stupid also. FYI your sub or slave makes you a Master or a Mistress. And all the other subs and slaves running around out there are not there for you to immediately call them whatever you want. And the collared people they may be subs or slaves but they are NOT YOURs.
So my advice is ....put your energy into getting your shit together and showing you are down to earth and real and not a jerk and you never know where it might lead you. stupid is stupid and in case it hasnt occurred to you the subs and slaves that chat at all speak to one another. And we also share information with each other on the predators and you know who you are. and its getting to the point where we all know too.
And most of the subs and slaves are aware that if they have questions or concerns that they should ask around instead of figuring that this is the way it is. Some of you are gonna have to grow up.