Contemplative musings of a sub.

Honest gut feelings about real issues facing chatters here drawing from what i have been taught and from what i have personally learned.
1 week ago. Mon 13 Nov 2017 05:10:48 PM IST

From time to time the subject of journals pops up in random conversations.

Some journals are written on paper and some electronically.   With my experience with my computers....4 or 5 now  i like to take the time and energy to capture my journals on paper.  then i keep them up high where hopefully nothing will happen to them.  And  my journals number approximately 20 now.

Some subs  journals are regularly read by their Dominants  while some journals are left to be the subs private property.   And i have listened while some Dominants have waxed and waned on about reading their subs  journal so that they know what is going on.  And if i knew that my journal could be read like that....ill be honest when i say that i wouldnt bare my soul and put my in depth feelings down upon its pages.

However, since i was long distance i never had to worry that my journal would be read.   So i got into the habit of dumping everything that i was thinking and feeling into those journals.   If a meeting was getting close i would make sure i went down with a new journal so that my stuff wouldnt be exposed.

Being in a poly D/s that is long distance is not easy.  And truthfully when the Dominant is out with one of the others   the female human mind can go bonkers.  And lets be honest....its not just endorphins and body and brain chemistry.....bdsm also involves a womans  hormones.  Together it can all be a volatile cocktail of insecurities, hurt and anger.  And when the Dominants  poly skills suck....or in other words are severely lacking, the sub who is long distance can suffer quite a bit and mostly it feels like a broken heart.   And yes humans can be affected to the point where it feels as if your heart actually hurts.

So my journals have always been a sort of companion on the journey through fast tracking,grooming and god knows what other  tactics were employed in my BDSM initiation games.

The other side of keeping a detailed journal with your deepest thoughts and your feelings is that you can go back at any time and read your journal and you can remember ...and the feelings can come back and sometimes you can get high from remembering what that playtime was like.  

The more times you use your endorphins the more that are made.  if you keep triggering your endorphins life can be a very happy thing for you.   thats  how a sub gets addicted to a Dominant.   all those feel good chemicals make it really easy to get attached to the person triggering them.  And your hormones get mixed up in all the drama.  Thats is the REASON why most subs dont walk when they need to walk.  Their bodies are so flooded with feel good chemicals that they cant think clearly enough to realize the relationship isnt good for them and they need to get out.  Its not stupidity or the fact they cant see things.   They have their body being used against them.  Its  2 to 1.  The Dominant and their body working against them.   Its hard to see the writing on the wall when you are so high you can barely see.


So the good that comes from writing a journal i would learn as i started to keep track of my personal finances in a seperate journal, is that writing down when i made phone calls or documenting financial decisions and tracking rehab projects can be really useful.  I even documented mailing bills or making payments and then it was easy to go back and look to see when i mailed this or that....or had that conversation with whoever. 


But the ultimate good i learned especially when it concerned my submissives journal was that over time i realized that when stuff happens to me i spend a lot of time going over and over it in my brain  almost as if i am afraid that i will forget the details of what happened.   Which is bad because i learned that it then allows me to over think stuff or over analyze stuff and for me thats bad...because i can get so entrenched in why something angers me so much that i cant let it go.  Seriously writing in my journal would become very freeing for me.  It would almost become a highly trusted friend.   I could write stuff in it and then knowing it was safe on the pages on the book i would let it go and my anger and hurt  and be able to move on.  

So when  my insecurities flare up or i get angry or mad or sad...i turn to my journal.   i bare my soul and let everything out and then i can close the journal when i am done, dry my eyes and move on with my life.  If journal writing is the one lasting perk i get from the insane exploration of BDSM that i have been pushed and dragged gonna be okay.

1 week ago. Mon 13 Nov 2017 03:51:57 AM IST

we as a community share constant dialogue about O/our relationships being built on trust.  So we look for someone we can totally "trust" therefore leaving all of us or most of us open to predators hidden within our numbers.

Predators are not just strangers.  They can sometimes be someone that seems very respectable here in the community.  We look at a certain chatter and think....they are sooo nice to me.  they really seem to care about me.

eventually that person

makes you feel special

make you feel that you are loved

takes advantage of your emotional neediness

maybe your isolation for whatever reason

targets your lower self esteem or breaks it down


they gain your trust by getting to know your needs, wants and kinks and figures out easily how to fill them.  this person is very smooth - very disciplined as they push and poke at you without revealing too much about themself.

they are stealth like a spy

Gifts, affection, attention all further reinforces a special connection you will soon grow to feel with them

by meeting (special trips) you are drawn deeper into their web with them

Soon there is sufficient dependence and trust ....they use sexual stimulation to reinforce the sexuality of the relationship.


the predator is able to shape your sexual preferences and will manipulate what you find exciting and therefore seek to deepen the relationship.


then you become entangled with them...and if you mis-step...threats to end the relationship which will in turn end the emotional attention and the gifts and special outings bring fear.     you will fear that the end of the relationship will render you unwanted.


yes we all talk endlessly about that special someone to trust and give yourself to

we dont realize the danger we place ourselves in.  

serious emotional abuse can happen through grooming. 

grooming....or training.....think about it 

2 weeks ago. Sun 05 Nov 2017 06:46:46 AM IST

There is a big big difference about perception  between cyber BDSM and real life.  Having experienced both i have always advocated for playing in real life...but now ive changed my mind.

Cyber BDSM is safe in many ways.  It means you have to really use your imagination but since our brains are our best sex organ  i do see how it works.  And the over stimulation which happens from the application and use of many different things can be hard to think about unless you have been fortunate to have already experienced them at some point.  And we all know that some ppl who cyber only are pure predators.  and we cant help it.  you have to try and have your back all the time and be on guard against being used unless your kink is to be used.

But i am gonna bare my soul here and tell my personal business so that everyone can try to understand how dangerous it is for us to trust other people out there.

here goes.....i've been in a poly relationship with a Dominant Master and its long distance for well over 5 years now.  The other subs involved  know about my existance but only one is wise enough to see and recognize that the treatment i received was not right.  Being long distance Sir fast-tracked me through bdsm.  for sure i was hooked.  for sure i felt i was in love with him but tons of forced orgasms will make you imprint and feel that you love just about anyone. 

as a sub i was fast-tracked being pushed heavily into intense extreme situations and forms of play.  yes some of you cringe inwardly when i start talking about some things.  but i want everyone to understand that the outcome of this fast-tracking was wrong and the fast-tracking is and was  abuse.  am i naturally submissive??? yes probably so.  am i a natural pain slut????  um  im thinking that might be a no.  looking back through random extreme play sessions  i was broken down with extreme forms of play and my endorphins made everything okay leaving me open to be formed and molded to fit the Master's needs.  Of course i was told to buckle up and let the Dominant drive the train.  And i did fight...wanting to ask questions   and always  the why word.   i was continually told to just shut up and enjoy the ride.


When the Dominant and the sub are close to each other (geographically)  there is a lot of opportunity for the small things to happen, kisses, huggs, extra after care,meals.....all sorts of other meaningful things that a relationship can be built upon. other perks.


But when large distances seperate both, the sub who is being broken and dont know it..misses out on the extra nice stuff.  everything is always business and soon they find themselves being way different people from where they started.

at some point i remember asking myself what was going on-that- so much about me was being changed that i was having a hard time remembering who i am to begin with.

and let me be 100% clear here...  a Dominant should want to get involved with a sub or slave because there are characteristics and nuances about the sub or slave  whether physical or emotional that ATTRACTS the Dominant to that sub or slave in the first place.

Oh and  in my case  you can be sure i attracted the Dominant.  i am strong and vibrant and fun from what my friends tell me...they seem to keep coming back for more of me. but at one point i asked myself what it was that was that he loved about me to begin with....because i didnt recognize myself anymore. (huge big red flag right here)


some of you may know....that ...the extreme anal play that i participated in  was fantastic- dont get me wrong.  but now today my bowels are so super sensitive that when i eat a regular sized meal i can feel my body pushing the food through my intestines and it results in sometimes intense  anal orgasms which can leave me in moments where i enter sub space on my own and as a result i am dangerously unsupervised.

because of scheduling issues, my work committment, a back injury and long term healing i found myself in an experiment.  i went 14 months without face to face contact with said Dominant. Thanks to the large supply of readily available endorphins i was able to sleep with the back injury with no need for any narcotics or muscle relaxers.  the sound of the Dominants voice telling me to go to sleep would flood me with endorphins and allow me to get consistent long stretches of deep healing sleep for over 5 months and this past week when facing each other face to face i found that nothing has diminished.  if He so much as touches me i can hit sub space.   spankings are down to maybe 15 strikes with any kind of impact play implement resulting in sub space that i need a 4 hour nap to recuperate from. i spent a whole week in vegas with a sadistic Dominant who played with the other sub and as i watched i hit sub space on my own or was just simply really high on endorphins at any given time.

if i get a normal case of the runs i can be left mindless on the toilet while i am using the toilet.  i am so super sensitive that thoughts and some simple touches can make me start to process and move whatever i have through my bowels.

its wrong and borders on abuse.

and so now its not allowed to do but in a sense this morning after a week where i felt like my presence was a nuisance and not something that was wanted....i basically released my Sir.  yes its not protocol.  but in a sense its what i did.

while i sometimes spend hours on the phone with Sir i am basically denied all the small little things that add such dimention to lifestyle relationships.

i sit and listen on the phone  while he burps and farts and sometimes uses a different phone to conduct his business.

but in a week i ended up feeling like i should not have come along. i was face to face with him....or it was possible and meaningful and cerebral at all.

but boy when HE was ready to swing those floggers or use the dragonstonue...then i was acknowledged in the room.

but yes ...i have been broken and rebuilt according to the Masters  desires.  

right now i am so angry over having been broken without being asked my permission.

and i am angry because there isnt a chance of anything being  made  right. this is all out of my hands and i have no clue how to help myself except to breathe and take one day at a time.


so i let go of Sir today and i should have done it way before during the beginning.  yes i am a pain slut and im not proud of it.

what i can say is that i seem to be able to breathe easier.

i left Sir today  and to be honest i dont know if i can play with anyone else.  i am able to enter sub space easily and that makes it dangerous when i cannot protect and defend myself.  i cant go out and look for anyone else....because taking the necessary time to meet them and then try  to figure things out........ can in a sense get me killed.


so yes i have been broken and yes i  know about it.  i cant fix it.  i cant look for other play partners because i cant defend myself during play if i need to.

and mainly my heart just aches because the person i was trying to trust...fucked me over royally by breaking me.

so if the thought of being broken excites you....then i suggest you find a cyber friend to play with.  


the last thing you need is a tag on your toe somewhere.

Please dont flatter yourself thinking that you are different and that this wont happen to you.

it can happen and you might never see it.

please be careful with whom you give power over you to. 











2 weeks ago. Sat 04 Nov 2017 04:06:03 PM IST

Women hear it all the time....that guys are poly  and boy yadda yadda yadda what a build up and by the time Poly guys fiinish talking we should all be convinced that poly is the only way to go.

But wrong ive got experience  being physically present with a Poly Dom and another sub.  And i can tell you that after the experience i wanted to write a performance evaluation on the Dom. 

If you are going to have more than one sub with you and its time to go to bed you better fucking learn to get your shit together.  if you are planning on cuddling one as you drift off to sleep  you better have the energy and the fucking brains to spend some time cuddling and kissing and making sure the other one does not feel left out. 

Insecurities breed  bad feelings. 


more about this later

4 weeks ago. Wed 25 Oct 2017 05:07:59 PM IDT
  Conflicting feelings new sub

I'm relatively new to all of this, even though, I've known most of my life I was into BDSM (off course I didn't know that specifically as a child). I'm experiencing a lot of different and some rather conflicting feelings, I find it hard to navigate through. So a little background info:

I'm a very independent, proud, stubborn, confident and strong woman in my vanillalife. I have gone through hell and fought my way back a number of times, which have made me who I am today. Especially last year changed me and made me harder. I am a fighter. This completely crashes with my desire to be a good submissive and make me either act bratty or when I give In, makes me confused, sometimes scared or even feeling shame.

My relationship with my Master is rather new. Started out online and ended up with us meeting. We have only met 4 times, so it is very new, but every time we have met, have changed me immensely. We talk every day. He is amazing, very patient and intelligent. I trust him. Still I have a hard time with myself and the conflict between the woman I have become in my vanillalife, which I like, I want to be that powerful woman out in the world and my burning desire to be a good, obedient sub, who can let go and make her Master proud.

Does anyone struggle with the same or have thoughts on it?


******* this post is from fet and i have posted it in its entirety.  it was deleated by an over zealous mod but the reason why i have stolen it ha ha....and posted it here is because except for the fact my Sir was very experienced   this post could have been written by me.

i thought my story at that point was unique but i have now seen that any one of you and those to come could say the same things.  

as i am preparing to take my first away  vacation in over 2 years to go and spend a week with Sir celebrating our birthdays and Halloween and Nevada's entrance into the union the above post really hits my heart.  it reminds me about my beginnings in bdsm and where i was as i struggled to find my way through long term abuse and  then a very fresh divorce.

i dont consider myself to be able to mentor anyone   but i have reached out to the woman who wrote that post as i would offer  to help most of you.   those of you whom i have helped know that.  and i stand  committed to continue to help others that find their way here.

this is my last work morning until i grace an airplane with my presence.   i always love when i get to vegas and see the first palm tree.  i just love those things.

this trip i am job hunting so that i can eventually move and live in vegas.  the other reason this trip is exciting is that there is a poly womens meeting by one of the local groups happening and i have graciously been invited to join them.

so the above post shows that my beginnings were not as smooth as my road seems at this time. but with hard work and determination and a boat load of stubbornness Sir tells me....the way can smooth out ahead for you.  

if i post nothing else before i leave which   my butterflies are starting  so really buckle up......i look forward to returning with pictures  and stories to share. 

mwah my friends 

Silllllllllllllllber lol

4 weeks ago. Tue 24 Oct 2017 02:32:41 AM IDT






Do some of us attract unwanted attention 

in the vanilla world?

do yourself a favor

do not discuss your sex life or lifestyle choices 

with anyone at work.....never....ever....

it is a disaster

waiting to 


4 weeks ago. Tue 24 Oct 2017 02:28:14 AM IDT



pure, knows their shit


end up

changing the world



at a time.

4 weeks ago. Tue 24 Oct 2017 02:26:45 AM IDT



i am gonna be

that person who will 

smile and grin

during Your eulogy


i know a good part

of the real story!!!!!!!!!!!

1 month ago. Sat 21 Oct 2017 05:00:53 AM IDT

she pushed her horse and rode as if being followed.  melding with the magnificient creature as if they were one. stopping along the way to sleep and then eat ...pushing until arriving in that familiar place where they were both sired.  they had not been home for ages but it was where they could go, where she could rest and heal from the things that constantly haunt her.

they entered the barn where she tended to the horse.  gently, skillfully attending to all of the horses needs. only after the horse was completely attended to  she turned and walked towards the house.  the house was hers her parents had died when she was younger much younger and her uncle had provided for her.  the house was much bigger than her needs  so she pulled out the key which hung between her beautiful breasts  and after pulling the chain over her head  she put the key in the lock and turned it.

she walked in down the hall, up to the stairs  disturbing all the dust as she walked...and slowly she ascended the stairs  one by one...until she got to the top and then used the key once more to open the door into the top rooms.

she lit a fire  and began to undress the layers of clothes she currently wore.  slowly peeling off all of it....she reached for her dressing gown and wrapped it around her slim body.

searching through her bag she found the bread and cheese that she had saved from an earlier meal that day. as she sat and ate and relaxed feeling the heat from the fire warm her bones  she caught sight of herself in the reflection of a mirror.  she was surprised  and startled at the eyes that looked back at her.

sitting back in her chair she let her mind drift slowly over the past few years.  seemed a life time but the man she now ran from had shown her great things about life and about herself and now......she needed space and time.

she thought she must be getting really tired because it seemed that the walls in front of her...around the fireplace was starting to have letters  moving around.  once the movement stopped she saw her experiences the ones that had scared her start to be written on the wall like pages of a journal.  before her appeared and account of her experiences with her Master  line after line just like the pages of the journal that sat in the bottom of her knapsack. as line after line appeared she read along...remembering the times with her Master.  and soon she was floating watching the words form themselves and watching them be replaced and as the words kept coming she found herself  floating and finally she closed her eyes and gave in.

1 month ago. Thu 12 Oct 2017 07:52:13 PM IDT

so the guy..and we all know who it is out in hollywood  who was acting inappropriately with actresses.  

im glad that its being brought out of its closet because its wrong.

but the way his company is acting like they are shocked about it is completely insane. 

its been an assumed thing that many deals for women in hollywood are made on office couches so it should not be any surprise to all of us.

but in this case trying to silence or shut down the respectable voice trying to bring about accountability is  insane and wrong. 

its gone on for decades.


and abuse permeates our lifestyle to a great degree also.  and its why so many here speak up and blow the whistle when they are abused or attempts to abuse them are foiled.  

while i am not going to state that the guy out in california is a predator...we all know that there are predators here and in the online chat communities.  


if someone is asking you to do something that makes you feel uncomfortable listen to your inner self and dont do it. 

dont give out any personal information on yourself. 

ask around if you suspect someone speaking to you might be a predator.