TL;DR

I wanted a name change. A nickname that I don't use on other platforms. I want to seal my anonymity while giving pieces of myself away. 

I want to remember what I learned from my time here years ago, but present myself more authentically. 

I'm here to tickle an itch of mine. To let the bubbles rise and feel the pressure build until I burst. I'm sure there are other sites to do this on, other ways to find what I'm looking for, but I'm here and will try to spend my time, and yours, respectfully.

Cheers, friends.

Tonight is the night.

I lit the candles.

I said the words.

I remembered the knocks, the codes, the passwords that led me here first. 

This is the room that has always tempted me. The bite that will change me, the apple that will curse me, the taste that will tarnish me.

I'm here. 

Again.

And I missed it so.

Happy Hallows Eve 🖤

What in the super flower blood moon retrograde is happening?!?

It's times like this that lead me to believe in cosmic forces. When work winds me up, when I spiral out, and when more than one pair of hands tries to come to my aid.

The idea was to lay low and stay quiet and wait for Daddy. The man who has enriched my life through our new dynamic. A man who I've opened myself to in so many ways. A man who lives so far away that it takes time, planning, and genuine desire to get to him. Ours was, from the start, a dynamic based solely on sexuality and exploration. But then we had to go and spoil the fun by using the strongest words to show our respect and admiration. 

🦆ing feelings. Why do they have to creep? Why can't my cold little heart wither and shrivel and let my brain just enjoy the ride?

Well, that's where the plan started to sour. When my emotions came into the picture. The cravings for attention and touch became too much. Loneliness crept in and my heart sang its melancholic song loud enough for others to hear. It crept into my work, into my creativity, and into my home. Daddy promised he'd help me through it, and he has, but that hasn't been enough.

I need affection, I want cuddles and kisses and long sighs that raise my head high and let it fall with the collapse of the sternum it's resting on. 

And I'm not entirely convinced that vanilla is out of the question. That's the worst part. My mind has wandered and strayed. I've found comfort in coworkers and friends, those who don't know my little self. There's one person I'm thinking of talking to about it all with. 

And Daddy knows that I might. 

When I told him about it, he cleared up some doubts and answered some questions I had about a polyamorous relationship, but instilled more uncertainty when he talked of presenting me with a collar.

Me. With. A. Collar.

I've got some serious thinking to do. And even more hard conversations to have. 

I JUST WANT TO HIDE UNDER A BLANKET AND EAT CHEESE.

Love y'all. Thanks for letting me air it out here 🖤

What a day. What a long and arduous day. 

I'm thankful to wake up and see that Tuesday has come.  Tuesday's child is full of grace. Monday's child however, must have been born of spite and malice. 

From problems with coworkers, to social miscues, to klutzy tumbles, I've never had such a day all at once. I retreated home to the safety of my bed as soon as I could, but the damage had been dealt. A bruised knee and a bruised ego kept me tossing and turning in the irritable heat of my bedroom. And when my eyes opened in what was supposed to be the darkest time of the night, they were met by a glowingly full moon. 

I'd rather thank the moon for its beauty and its inspiration and curse it for the pull it has on the environment around me... I did the latter last night. 

But today is a new day. One that I can coerce to a sense of accomplishment. One that will hold as much magic as I put into it. 

And I'm starting it with a cup of coffee, writing words here, and a healthy dose of Reggie and the Full Effect, just to be sure that the universe knows I'm feeling playful and willing.

Have a scrumtrulescent day today Sirs, Madames, Daddies and Mommies, I can wish you well and hope that you achieve your goals today. To those I missed, have a day of opening your eyes to a world that has opened itself for you, reflect, relax, and renew your sense of wonder and awe. 🖤🖤

*To all human experience, with the possible exception of physical pain, the maxim Credo ut intelligam [“I believe so that I may understand”] applies. It is impossible for a man to separate a fact of experience from his interpretation of it, an interpretation which, except in the case of the insane, is not peculiar to himself but has been learned from others.

It is true, as Pascal says, that “to believe, to doubt, and to deny well are to the man what the race is to the horse,” but only in that order. We must believe before we can doubt, and doubt before we can deny. And … we all do begin by believing what we are told.*

W.H. Auden will always have a fan in me. A woman who still sees the world through the eyes of a child. When I read his words, I can't help but be transported back to a much simpler time when I was, in fact, a child. When I was barely 15 I was introduced to him and his theories of enchantment, which have remained true throughout my life. 

My heart is a mess these days, and I know that calloused as it may be, it is still beating tenderly and ready to interject itself when the time is right.

Enjoy more of Auden's musings, as I have since I was a more innocent shell of a human than I am now 🖤

*The state of enchantment is one of certainty. When enchanted, we neither believe nor doubt nor deny: we know, even if, as in the case of a false enchantment, our knowledge is self-deception.

All folk tales recognize that there are false enchantments as well as true ones. When we are truly enchanted we desire nothing for ourselves, only that the enchanting object or person shall continue to exist. When we are falsely enchanted, we desire either to possess the enchanting being or be possessed by it.

We are not free to choose by what we shall be enchanted, truly or falsely. In the case of a false enchantment, all we can do is take immediate flight before the spell really takes hold.

Recognizing idols for what they are does not break their enchantment.

All true enchantments fade in time. Sooner or later we must walk alone in faith. When this happens, we are tempted, either to deny our vision, to say that it must have been an illusion and, in consequence, grow hardhearted and cynical, or to make futile attempts to recover our vision by force, i.e., by alcohol or drugs.

A false enchantment can all too easily last a lifetime.*

Cheers, friends. Happy Monday 🥰

See title.

There's that one fellow, the one with a glint in his eye that I've seen coulntless times before, but his. His is... different. 

Behind that saccharine smile is the tongue of a man who knows how to tear me apart with lies to conceal and truths to mark targets for later destruction.

With each breath he draws me in closer and closer, taking full advantage of my uncalloused heart. With each lingering conversation he asks just a little more from me until I'm sacrificing myself and bleeding to keep him near.

He was never near to me. Mine was never his intention, even when he told me otherwise.

No, to him, to the liar, I gave my all, and then I gave some more. 

And what did he give me?

Boundaries. Fear. Antipathy. Sorrow. 

I've since learned, and since moved on. Yet, the scar remains.

... HAHAHAHAHAHAHA SUCKER. 'CAUSE I AM A (very attractive and charismatic) LIAR!

Curse you, Henry Rollins. You delicious man, you 🖤

I might take a turn back and write some more heartfelt things soon. Until then, it's working-a-double-on-a-beautiful-Saturday ramblings.

Love ya!

I'm thankful the profile I created here still exists in the recesses of the internet. A place I could feel safe coming back to to shout to the world with a sense of psuedo-anonymity. 

The past year has been cause to reflect, to rebalance, and to recover. So much has changed in my small world. I tried new things, dated new men, and found comfort in being alone. 

And then I went down the rabbit hole of online dating once again.

Y'all...

Y'all. 

🤢🤢🤮

One man I met, let's call him Jerkface McGee, said all the right things. Wanted me to emerge as the little cumslut I am. Wanted to treat me as his hotwife and take all the dick I could handle. It seemed too good to be true. 

(Duh. It was.)

This pretentious and pompous man wanted total control over my every move without even making the sacrifice to see my face. He would warn and threaten me a week into our conversations together. He made sure I tried to contact other men, and unlucky for ol' Jerkface that's how I found Daddy...

Through some strange string of coincidence and cosmic circumstance a seasoned Daddy Dom found his way into my inbox. A man I could ask if anything that was happening resembled a healthy cuck relationship. He and I talked and talked, shared filthy stories and slowly, but with precision, he planted and tended to what I am blossoming into. 

I'm here because of this emergence. I've taken a new role, loosened my grip, and have been so thrilled with each piece of what he's given me.

Y'all. I'm not just squirmer now. It's more than just trickles,  I'm a damned hydrant under Daddy's expert guidance. I never thought this was possible, to soak myself so completely. He retroactively embarrassed every partner I've had. 

Maybe I came here to brag, but I've never been happier and at the same time unsure. 

My world is changing, and I'm here for it. I just want to be in that space forever. How do I find balance?

Love y'all. Thank you for having me back 🖤🖤

I'm at work. Again. I will be for a long time to come. My head is spinning and my spirit is breaking, but I still have Joey and Tony to pull at my heart strings.

Thank you, Tony Sly. Thank you for always knowing.

More to come later when I unpack everything this weekend has brought me.

I had to do it. I just had to get him a tie. 

Now for a CATaché. 

I will return to some sense of normalcy minus brevity tomorrow, this was just too important.

As for my thoughts today relating to my want to be here? Let's just say I'd rather focus on this handsome devil. I'm afraid that I want to skip over toxicity altogether today.

I WAHH WAHH WAHH WAHHHHH WONDER, WHY?

or...

Wonder, wonder, wonder, wonder, who? Who wrote the book of love?

Or......

Yeah. That's more like it. I feel a little like Morrissey tonight, less the cultural shift SOMEBODY had to take in the last decade. (Have you seen the causes he supports recently? Yikes.)

Again, this is a random thought jumble tonight because of my promise to myself to write here every day. I'm still at work as I write this, going strong in hour 12 with the end in sight. It's time for me to step up and set my boundaries soon. I push myself at work because I am loyal, I am ethical, and I want to succeed alongside our business. 

Truth is, it's not OUR business. It's not mine, I have no stake in the true success or failure. I do however have my pride on the line. I don't want my strength or dedication to be questioned. This endeavor belongs to someone else, I'm just the support. My role is undefined at work and maybe that's one of the multitude of reasons I am here at the Cage.

I'll wonder for a little while longer and I'll leave you with this: