1 year ago. August 19, 2022 at 7:03 PM
Let me preface this by saying this is my perspective and perception and to me, my perception is my reality. I am sure others will see it differently, and if so, I am okay with that.
I met someone online on this site, and we seemed like a good match, so we started talking. The basic get to know you stuff. After a few weeks, we started making plans to meet in person. Then we started planning a weekend trip so we could spend time together. All this was "vanilla" we hoped that we would fit in both the vanilla and BDSM aspects of a relationship.
As we were planning, I would politely or with a sarcastic joke disagree with some of the stuff being suggested. Or I would voice by disagreement in terms of, " I don't think we need that" but never really stood my ground, and always went along with what was being suggested eventually, even though I disagreed.
In preparation for meeting in person, I knew there were some topics and things I wanted to discuss in person, so I began to reread our conversations to make a mental note of those topics.
As I did this, the obvious pattern in our discussions became obvious to me... She would say we needed something or more of something or bigger something, I would disagree, she would say we needed it anyways, and I would then go along with it.
Yes, we are still vanilla only at this point, and had only discussed BDSM in general terms, and agreed to wait until after the trip to get into specific negotiations about that aspect of the relationship.
So, as I am rereading our conversations, I got upset. At myself for not standing up for myself and at her for so easily and thoughtlessly dismissing everything I said.
At one point that evening, she asked for my opinion, and after receiving it said okay, we will do this. Now that I saw the situation, I did not want to just let it slide, because if my opinion was not being honored on something as little as how much of a certain item should be packed for a weekend get away, how could I feel safe and secure that my opinion would be honored as we discussed the BDSM elements of our relationship. So, I mentioned this to her, in almost those exact words.
She apologized and said I was right, and we discussed why she thought we needed more of the item. To her it was just this one instance where my opinion was not listened to, to me (and I should have said, but didn't) it was every decision I disagreed with but went along with because that's what a good submissive does, even though I wasn't her submissive, yet.
All I asked for at the end of this was for better communication and for her to explain her decisions to me before making them, so I could understand why what I said wasn't the final decision being made. In my mind, a reasonable request at this point in our relationship.
The following day, without prior discussion with me, decisions were being made and I had no idea why or the reasoning behind them.
Now... I'm going to pause the story here and say this... I handled this next part poorly. I was angry and lost my temper and temporarily disengage my brain mouth filter. I was mad, though, because once again something as simple as please just communicate with me was being ignored.
So I blew up and text-yelled at her, and said some not nice things that were hurtful, I am sure. But, enough was enough in my mind. I was tired of being ignored, having decisions made for me without explanation or discussion, and without knowing the reason other than this is the way she wanted it, my desires be damned.
Within an hour of my blowing up, which I apologized for and explained that I was sorry for being hurtful but I felt defensive and acted accordingly, with little to no regards for her feelings, she said she no longer wished to continue our relationship, and that in her opinion, I was not a submissive, but just a bottom.
We discussed not blocking each other on here and I asked that we don't. I was still processing and knew that there would be things I still wanted to discuss in the days ahead. The following morning, I woke to a message saying she was blocking me, because it was too hard for her to stay friends. At this point, I just laughed and smiled, and was glad that the relationship was over, because once again, my wishes were being ignored for what she wanted.
In hindsight, which is always 20/20. I see that as long as I didn't go against her, our relationship would have been fine. If I had just kept my mouth shut and agreed (even if I didn't) with everything, we would have lived in blissful ignorance.
EXCEPT... That's not me!!! When I have a problem with something, or when I feel ignored or undervalued, I will say something.
When I disagree with someone, I like to know why the decision is being made, so I can understand the other person and the situation better, and can learn and grow from it.
When I am effected or involved, I want to know the reasoning behind the decision.
Basically, I want someone who communicates with me and doesn't just dictate to me, when it comes to the day to day parts of a relationship.
In my opinion, it builds trust and understand. Like I said before, when my opinion is discounted on the mundane, how can I trust that it will be heard and respected on the bigger elements of a relationship?
Maybe that does make me someone who isn't submissive. Maybe that just means, I understand my value and my worth and won't let anyone under value me.
Maybe she just wanted a doormat, and not a submissive who knows her value and her worth.
As easy as it is to say you understand and you value and you know submissive does not equal doormat... Actions speak louder than words, and from my experience, you never knew my value, you never knew my worth, you never knew me, because if you did, you never would have treated me like a doormat.