Meli's Thoughts

This one's for you Mom. I still get choked up when I sing it. 

I love you and I miss you so goddamn much. 💙🎼💙

This song makes me feel connected through time and space.

 

Happy Mother's Day everyone. Because everyone has a mother, or is one. 💙

 

 

🎼🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹

 

Some say love, it is a river,

that drowns the tender reed

Some say love, it is a razor,

that leaves your soul to bleed

Some say love, it is a hunger,

an endless aching need

I say love, it is a flower,

and you, its only seed

Its the heart afraid of breaking,

that never learns to dance

Its the dream afraid of waking,

that never takes the chance

Its the one who won't be taking,

who cannot seem to give

And the soul afraid of dying,

that never learns to live

When the night has been too lonely

and the road has been too long

And you think that love is only

for the lucky and the strong

Just remember in the winter,

far beneath the bitter snow

Lies the seed, that with the sun's love

in the spring......becomes the rose. 🌹🌹🌹

💙💙💙💙

 

 

I read a poem in therapy today that really affected me. 

 

Due to 'stuff' I have a problem with anxiety. When I lose control of a situation, my body thinks that it is survival mode, because of the 'stuff' that happened. 

 

My point is that I don't always do or say the right thing to de-escalate a situation. But for the most part, I know how I am, and so avoidance is usually the best idea.

 

Well, avoidance can help, but it can also damage relationships, lifestyles, even our health.

 

I have struggled hard with this concept and have also worked hard to make sure I am super nice and giving to people, so they don't have to deal with, or even know about that side of me. People don't seem to understand ptsd, and instead of me learning what was really happening and how to communicate my needs, I was criticized. They were probably right, I was probably being a bitch.

 

So let's back up just a little bit. The 'stuff' that happened to me may have been a foundation for the dynamics I often build in personal relationships. But what really cemented the 'fight or flight' mode was the years of neglect and negative reinforcement afterwards. 

 

I should have been in therapy and getting treatment. Instead I had to endure years of mental and emotional abuse from adults. 

 

I was a good kid. My brother was a good kid. We got good grades, we respected elders, we weren't trouble makers, and it showed. People used to dote on my brother and I when we were young because we were so well behaved. (Call it the influence my dear mother had on us in the short time we had with her)

 

When she died we didn't have an advocate anymore, or someone to see that we were good kids. Growing up, when my parents got with someone else, their kids were usually troublesome or not well behaved. My stepmothers were selfish and lazy, and one was a pathological liar. My dad was a co-dependent sissy, and so he would discipline us and ride our ass hard for no fucking reason other than to make the amount of discipline "even" among all of the children for his psychologically abusive partners. I'm not even going to talk about my 'step-father.'

 

My brother and I had to grow up early, me at 12, him at 11. We had to raise our little brothers and sisters basically with no help other than my Dad's poor wages (for what it's worth, he had good work ethic). We kept the home, taught the siblings, and protected them the best we could from our parent's bad decisions. We also both kept straight A's. I was always a great student and loved school, but I always had it in the back of my head "I gotta get out of here, and I better work hard to do it." I could've made bad decisions and excuses, but I didn't. My siblings depended on me.

 

The point I am trying to make is that I am a great example of what happens to a person who does well and makes good decisions, only to be criticized, neglected, judged. What happens when good behavior is met with negative reinforcement. When a person constantly sucks it up only to be shot down, looked over, or criticized. 

 

I expect no sympathy. My actions are my own. Throughout my adult years I have struggled with a twisted perception I didn't even know I had. I would be so productive and proud of my self and life, and then something would happen, and boom I'd start letting everything fall apart. It wasn't good, and I'm glad I can look back and learn from it. But I would be doing really great, and then someone would wrong me. Usually the person I was working so hard to make proud of me. 

I went through a few things I'm sure a lot of people go through, like being cheated on, my lifestyle being sabotaged because someone wanted to get back at my family, always having critical in-laws (holy shit how tf do you people deal with it). The point is I have spent my entire life surrounding myself with users. I did it. My actions. I would not have healthy boundaries, and then a relationship that was for a moment thriving, would become really toxic. I would do all these things for them to try to make them love me better(I'm a sub through and through and through), and it just doesn't work like that. But I didn't know that at the time.

 

Ok back to the present...

 

People have a right to correct themselves. People have a right to establish boundaries, and then reform those boundaries if they aren't healthy or are abusive. I am owning the part where I set shitty non-self preserving boundaries.

 

Now I am doing what I need to do for myself and my children, and getting help, and learning what I've done to get me to where I am at. I am learning to let things go if they aren't good for me. My kids and my Alpha depend on me. Real life shit. 

 

Due to having an extreme fear of abandonment, I have had problems letting go of friendships and relationships with others that weren't healthy. Don't get me wrong. I really love those people. With my whole heart. Like I said, everyone has a right to correct themselves. Everyone has a right to ask for help, and everyone has a right to stand up for or explain themselves.

 

What you shouldn't do is try to help them and try to fix them so much that you don't help yourself and you break. You'll end up and anxiety ridden, self-judgmental idiot like me. That isn't good for me and certainly not good for those that I care about. 

We've all been talking about ghosting. I don't like it at all. Being ghosted on without knowing a reason is really destabilizing to some people. So I don't do that. But what do you say to a person who you are trying to say goodbye to? If you give them honesty it will be perceived by someone toxic or ill as degrading them. People say they want a reason as to why they get ghosted, but sometimes the ill ones take it as justification of their behavior, and it does no good. So all you can do is say your peace and let go. 

 

It will never hurt them as much as it hurts you when you let go, and people need to know that, and hear it when they start judging themselves. Don't get stuck in a pattern like I did.

 

You miss the person you wanted them to be. Not the person they are. As much as you want to help someone, if they don't help themselves, it will become a burden on your life, and a wound in your soul. 

 

So to all the people trying to fix someone by loving them, remember to love yourself. Others might depend on you. Real life shit.

 

As much as I know I will love this person all my life, it will never be a two-way street. And so it's time to let go. So glad I came across this poem today. Because of the 'anniversary' of the 'stuff' I mentioned being tomorrow. I realllly fucking needed to hear this poem today. Been judging myself, and it's time to break the cycle. Hope it helps someone else gain perspective the way it did for me.

 

Thanks for reading this far if you did. This blog is very cathartic for me, and I appreciate being able to get things off of my chest. For the most part, this site gives me a safe space to do that, and I love all of you for it. ❤❤❤❤❤❤

 

To let go doesn't mean to stop caring;
It means I can't do it for someone else.

To let go is not to cut myself off...
It's the realization that I can't control another...

To let go is not to enable,
but to allow learning from natural consequences.

To let go is to admit powerlessness,
which means the outcome is not in my hands.

To let go is not to try and change or blame another,
I can only change myself.

To let go is not to care for, but to care about.

To let go is not to fix, but to be supportive.

To let go is not to judge,
but to allow another to be a human being.

To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,
but to allow others to affect their own outcomes.

To let go is not to be protective,
It is to permit another to face reality.

To let go is not to deny, but to accept.

To let go is not to nag, scold, or argue,
but to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.

To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires,
but to take each day as it comes and cherish the moment.

To let go is not to criticize and regulate anyone,
but to try to become what I dream I can be.

To let go is not to regret the past,
but to grow and live for the future.

To let go is to fear less and love more.

 

❤❤❤❤

 

 

I'm back!!! 😈

 

I just want to start off by saying thank you to everyone who sent me messages. Thank you for everyone who checked in on me. ❤

 

Update:

 

I am enrolled in college!

 

For those of you that know me a little bit, this is a big thing for me!

I put off college in 1999 to find myself and have kids. I was a straight A student with a 3.8 GPA.

I've been told more than once I should have went. I just wanted to find myself and grew up with ptsd. I found myself and sewed my wild oats. It was a needed thing. I just didn't expect to have 3 kids and put it off for so long!

 

I start in August! I'm majoring in Geology. (what a surprise, lol)

 

~~~~~~~~~~~

 

A lot has changed in the past few months! I've been busy for most of it, cranking out accomplishments here and there, trying to get my home ready for the summer/fall. I had a lot on my plate to get done, deadlines that if I didn't concentrate on would have made everything that much harder.

 

Alpha and I have had a spring "adjustment," we find as the seasons change (or things happen) there's always a phase of missed signals, re-calibration, another storm before another norm. Taking a year that almost took both of us out, and taking it out, looking at it, and then letting it be a lesson learned.

 

We're still not out of choppy waters, that's where in the past I showed my grit and felt useful, if my life taught me anything it was how to take shit and polish the hell out of it. This time though, it's different. I'm getting treatment. I'm being trained to not always prepare for another turd to come down the line.

 

Always needing to be prepared for the worst (however smart it may seem) has at times stolen the trust out of my relationships, taken the joy out of something wonderful, and rendered me unable to be on the same page with the majority of people I encounter.

 

I'm learning that instead of always preparing for the worst, I should see that people deserve the best things that can happen to them, and everyone deserves to be happy and not live in a world where the darkness is just around the corner at every turn. What a self-fulfilling prophecy that can be, especially for an intelligent person like me.

 

However, I can still do what makes me happy. I can still help others.

 

I found myself needing to check out a few weeks ago. Adulting was becoming a bit too much.

Needless to say I needed my little space and found it and have been here since, playing video games, sitting on my bed snuggled up under my soft, fuzzy covers (covered up and hiding or sleeping on the really hard days).

 

Someone important came back into our lives, and I needed to gauge this new dynamic. Do I want to see it through eyes that prepare for the worst? Of course!

 

What good has this been for me in the past? It's either:

 

    1.  Made me unable to enjoy something wholesome for fear of it being taken away, and
    2.  Made me actually manifest the worst of my fears out of my own need for ignorance.
 

This was my mindset, with all the stress, and seeing cascading failure before something even happens.

 

Whatever way a person chooses to challenge the shit that is happening in life, I don't judge you. Just know you're a badass for challenging it in the first place.

 

So back to my fuzzy covers. I needed to check out. To not see deadlines coming. To relieve some of the stress of life.

 

So I've been taking some downtime, not worrying about much, in a kiddish way, fight or flight for my little brain. Letting the extremities of life go a little and caring for the guts, taking time to refind what it is I live this life for. Allowing myself to re-learn and understand my importance and purpose.

 

Which is where it comes full circle. 💞💞💞 I need to help people. I need to be able to be a submissive, helpful, humble person in service. It's such a huge part of who I am. For so long I didn't serve healthily, surrounding myself with users and narcissists. 😞😞😞

 

Now I'm learning healthier boundaries. Being able to take a break has allowed me to look at the whole of things from the outside, consider it, challenge my unproductive thoughts, and help put the dark parts of the past year and put them in a place I can look at them and learn, without judgement.

 

Now I can be helpful again. I can help someone, but in a way that isn't co-dependent. I can let others guide me, instead of preparing and telling everyone what it is they truly want and should do.

 

It's ok to help others, as long as they help themselves. I hold myself to the same expectation.

But it's time for me to stop 'topping from the bottom.' I can't want to help someone so much that I forget to take care of myself.

 

People need to decide for themselves what they want, and then ask for help. Letting myself have those boundaries has made some of these self-fulfilling prophecies crumble away, and allowed me to be more honest with people in my life.

 

Learning this has been one of the most helpful things I have ever learned.

 

💕💕💕💕

 

Now!

 

I can get back to sharing and helping! I can get back to what I love! And I can start blogging and journaling again. I can start helping other subs again! I can be a little and still be a guiding light.

 

And most importantly for me, I can start serving again. I can start helping Daddy help me. And together we can't change the world, but we can be a positive influence.

 

~~~~~~~~~~

 

Okay! Now you've been half-ass updated. Hopefully I can find my new 'norm' (such ironic word usage, I know, lol) on the Cage, and get to know some of the wonderful people that I know have been joining in droves as of late.

 

Maybe one of you wonderful submissives is the "Unicorn" 😍 👨‍👧‍👧   Alpha and I have been waiting and hoping to meet! One of the many reasons I love the Cage: You don't come here for the porn. You don't come here for the sex.

 

You come here for the PEOPLE. The people here are amazing, and we've made friends for life!

 

The potential for true love exists here. 👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩👭 👫 That's special.

 

Have a good week everyone! See you around. 😊😊😊

I know everyone is celebrating Weed today.

Just try to remember the 13 kids that died that awful day 20 years ago. And their loved ones.  😥

Until you've been on the wrong side of a gun, running for your life, you will never know how much your 'gun' culture scares the living shit out of us.

We don't need assault weapons. When Columbine happened we banned assault weapons for 10 years. During that time we had 31 school shootings.

When Congress decided to let the assault weapons ban expire in 2009, they sentenced hundreds of children to death.

288 school shootings since 2009.

141 children have died since. Let that number sink in for a minute. One. Hundred. Forty. One.

As of May 2018, more people, including students and teachers, were killed in 2018 in schools in the United States than were killed in military service for the United States, including both combat and non-combat military service.  :'(

Please, just for once for these children, put down love of guns and your pride and patriotism and see the families of all of the children who have lost what NO parent should ever lose.

Assault weapons aren't for defending yourself, or hunting for food.

They are instruments of death and terror.

Here are their names.

Cassie Bernall
A 17-year old junior who had dabbled in witchcraft and drugs had turned her life around two years before she was killed. She became active in her church and was restructuring her life. (Unfortunately, the story that circulated about her martyrdom was not true.)

Steven Curnow
A 14-year old freshman, Steven loved aviation and dreamed of becoming a Navy pilot. He also loved to play soccer and to watch the Star Wars movies.

Corey DePooter
A 17-year old who loved the outdoors, Corey loved to fish, camp, golf, and inline skate.

Kelly Fleming
A quiet 16-year old who liked to spend time in the library writing short stories and poetry.

Matthew Kechter
A shy, sweet sophomore, Matthew was a football player and a straight-A student.

Daniel Mauser
A smart but shy 15-year old sophomore, Daniel had recently joined the debate team and the cross-country squad.

Daniel Rohrbough
A 15-year old freshman, Daniel loved to play hockey and Nintendo with his friends. Often, after school, he helped his father in his electrical store.

William "Dave" Sanders
A long-time teacher at Columbine, Dave was the girls' basketball and softball coach and taught business and computer classes. He had two daughters and five grandchildren.

Rachel Scott
A 17-year old who loved acting in plays, could play the piano by ear, and had a strong belief in Christianity.

Isaiah Shoels
An 18-year old senior, Isaiah overcame heart problems (two heart surgeries) to become a football player and a wrestler.

John Tomlin
A 16-year old with a good heart and a love of Chevy trucks. A year before he was killed, John traveled to Juarez, Mexico to help build houses for the poor.

Lauren Townsend
A beautiful 18-year old senior who loved Shakespeare, volleyball, and animals.

Kyle Velasquez
A 16-year old sophomore, Kyle had only been a student at Columbine for three months. His family remembers him as a "gentle giant" and he was a big fan of the Denver Broncos.

Please put down your guns and hate today.

Please. For the 14 children who lost their life that day. And for the countless thousands that have been traumatized by guns since.

😥❤

- source: Wikipedia, Washington Post

Music Series #6 - BDSM

 

Music is always an option when it comes to enhancing a lot of things.

Music enhances life as well as sex, and so it was a natural decision to write about the relation between sex and bdsm.

 

There are so many songs I could list, but I will have to settle for now. I made a list of 10 of my favorite songs about submission, bondage, and masochism. Some of these songs were a bit of inspiration to me…and how I discovered that I was, maybe, just a little bit unorthodox. I've listed them and wrote a little bit about each song. I will embed a few for listening and viewing, but I recommend discovering these songs on your own, or just add them to your Spotify/Google Play fuck list. Don't pretend you don't have one.

 

Stripped - Rammstein
 

Depeche Mode is one of the greatest groups in music history. When I was 19, I bought a widely unknown album called For The Masses. It contains covers of Depeche Mode songs. Critics panned it. Stupid, stupid, critics. For the Masses is one of the iconic albums of my life. Stripped is one of the last songs on the album, and it is a very primal sounding version.

 

Master & Servant - Depeche Mode
 

Again, Depeche Mode. Master & Servant is bluntly about bdsm. Almost an advert about kinky sex, it very clearly sex positive. Again, I discovered this song when I was 19 from the For the Masses album. I was introduced fully to the world of music at 19, the first time I had home internet. Being a virgin at the time, this song made me blush and moist in the panties. So it's no surprise I discovered my kinkiness and became a submissive at that age.

 

Pagan Poetry - Bjork
 

Bjork is one of the craziest, most mysterious, and creative creatures on the planet. The first Bjork song I ever heard was "Quiet." Such a quirky and unique song. Pagan Poetry, on the other hand, is dark, beautiful, and masochistic. The video was originally banned from cable and network TV for life. Somewhere in 2004-ish, the rules regarding adult content on television changed, and this video could be shown on weekends after midnight eastern standard time. It's wildly masochistic, and Bjork bares her beautiful naked body.

 

Red Riding Hood - Elysian Fields
 

Just wow. This song is so hottt. With three t's. Everyone knows the story of Little Red Riding Hood. But there is a niche in this very community of wolf obsessed kinksters I know that will wholly enjoy this song. A seduction song from any omega to their Alpha. *chills*

 

Good Enough - Evanescence
 

Good Enough is a beautifully written and composed song. The lyrics speak for themselves. I can't say no to you. I shouldn't be letting you conquer me, but I can't say no to you.

 

Meet Your Master - Nine Inch Nails
 

Anyone who knows anything about Nine Inch Nails knows the song Closer and how sexually primal and animalistic it is. This song is even better.

 

Desire - Meg Myers
 

This song is for the Dommes. I saw Meg Myers at a concert/fest called Pointfest in 2016. Alpha and I and our children go every year. A lot of people don't listen to or appreciate rock music anymore, and our family was raised on it. KPNT, the Point (who put on the fest every year), is my favorite radio station. Admittedly I was not impressed with Meg Myers' lack of stage presence. However, the guitar in this song is done by - surprise! - Meg herself. That IS impressive.

 

Ache - FKA Twigs
 

Yep. The same FKA Twigs I have blogged about. More shibari. And pain, and giving. She really does the bondage her videos, as seen by the marks in her skin. Ache compares the sex and submission to a moth drawn to the light. Love it.

 

Stroker Ace - Lovage & Nathaniel Merriweather
 

I LOVE THIS SONG! Stroker Ace is for all the Pet Play lovers and pussy strokers, haha. Mike Patton is featured in this song, and I fucking love him. He's one of the greatest unknown famous musicians that there is. And he's cute and funny, and vulgar and sexy, and a experimentally great singer/songwriter. Anyone know of Anthony Keidis of Red Hot Chili Peppers? This guy was doing Anthony's act/style before Anthony, yet the whole world believed that Mike Patton was ripping off his style. Anthony barred Mike Patton from touring with him. I like RHCP, but Anthony, you're a piece of shit for that. I love you Mike.  Faith No More inspired so much music we listen to today, and no one gives Mike credit. Mike Patton FTW!

 

Say It - Flume & Tove Lo
 

I discovered this song last spring. I am an audiophile and I love how complex musical compositions are becoming. And I love the lyrics of this song. Sometimes a 24/7 sub will want to submit to a bedroom Dom, simply because lust is a strong emotion and blinds the fuck out of us. Sometimes we stay collared because of the sex, and lie to ourselves, because of our nurturing, giving nature; we look to prevent someone else's heartbreak before remembering to care for our own heart. It's not healthy, but it exists. This song speaks to me like that.

 

 

Like I said, that's only 10 of the dozens of songs on my Fucklist. Maybe I'll do this type of blog periodically just to introduce some more. For me, discovering the music that other people listen to lets me into their brain, and it's always been my favorite way of communicating; doing anything really.

 

Does anyone else want to share some of their Fucklist?

 

Hope you all enjoy these spicy musical morsels. 💖

 

🐺🎶💞~Shiro~💞🎶🐺

Music Series #5 - Natalie Merchant "Cowboy Romance"

 

If I had to choose a singer whose vibrato closely matches my own, I would choose Natalie Merchant. We both have a rapid but smooth vibrato. (I am also in love with her silver hair, I hope mine looks like hers someday, heh <3)

 

NPR, or National Public Radio has a program where they talk about current events called All Things Considered. Based on the name, they created a music program on the station, called All Songs Considered; both are hosted by Bob Boilen.

 

Sometimes the program will put on a 'Tiny Desk Concert,' where they will have a musician or group come into the actual office and put on a concert there in the office of the radio station. There have been so many great performances, and if anyone hasn't checked it out, I HIGHLY recommend it. Look on YouTube. You will NOT be disappointed.

 

"Cowboy Romance"

 

(Song starts at 12:00 and ends at 18:35, if you don't want to watch the entire concert)

 

To me, this is a beautiful song about a Master and his submissive and the love they can share. And it's such an honest song. And I hope that the love language I use in my life sounds like this song.

 

A drunken meet up, In a crude saloon

In a poor Rocky Mountain town

He's a scoundrel, And she's no pearl

And together they are two, lovers cruel

 

I always heard *true* here, and so this will forever be the word I sing when I sing this song, and I think it carries more meaning. And he's a scoundrel, and she's no pearl. I think that says something about no one is perfect or above the other in any loving relationship. They are better and whole because of each other.

 

Got her balanced on his knee..He knows exactly what to say

"You ain't been born 'till you get out of town,

And honey, You might come with me, you might come with me."

"If you do...Spare the innocent ones, I'll take you with me

Together we will be,  drifters free."

 

A woman scorned will sometimes search, but won't see what is right in front of her when she's searching. So used to having no trust, used to hating having to take control, but having no choice. And once the search unearths what could be true love, she will still have to convince her brain to listen to her heart.

 

Got her tangled,tangled in his arms, And she's, she's a lusting, trusting fool..

"No man born can rule me,That I've sworn,

But stranger if you do, I'll belong to you."

"If you do...

"Would you spare the innocent ones? Would you take me with you?"

"Can you love the land? - And love me too?"

An Alpha can sometimes get caught up in having so much to see to, and to have a beautiful slave give their submission and trust over is a treasure an Alpha will hold high and feed his life energy to. When you put in the love and work, you become a Master that can be depended on to take care of business.  Sometimes this comes with feeding energy into the sub herself. Not every sub is a Stepford Wife. Some of us are broken, and you, Alpha, hold us together. It takes a strong love and a strong person to understand the amount of giving needed to appreciate the gifts of a loyal submissive.

But, alas..

As he grows sober….Sees his love anew,

In morning light so true.

And He - He gets on the move,

On the move…

 

Puppy love fades, soft skin wrinkles and ages. Friends and family come and go, and so do hard times. Nothing is perfect. But when a Master and his submissive both understand the gift they are giving when they give it and what it means and needs to last..it takes on a life of its own. It gives you the last bit of energy to get through the last bit of your day, so you can go home and feel comfort in the arms of your little one. A love strong enough to see the person as you saw them the moment you fell in love with them. It doesn't come natural, and it sure doesn't come easy. Life is one fucking Jigsaw room after another.

 

Honest, trusting, sacrificial love will always be the Master(s) key, and some of us will wait a long time to find it.

 

<3

I've had quite a few busy days in a row, so I haven't been keeping up sharing my music...so I'm continuing that now. 

Thanks for anyone who reads and listens. :)

 

Music Series #4 - Tracy Chapman "Gimmie One Reason" "Talkin' Bout a Revolution" "For My Lover"

 

Tracy Chapman is an artist I hold very dear to my heart. And here is a story about the wisest man who ever lived. :)

 

My grandfather was an ill man from smoking too much, among other things. So during the last segment of his life - which is the bulk of mine - he lived in his room. He was bound to a wheelchair, so he lived in his room with a TV, stereo, word processor, Omnichord, and his bed.

 

He had no teeth, had dentures but never wore them. Never stopped him from eating though, he even ate Doritos with us, lol. He had Parkinson's disease, and so even though there was a time he could play guitar and piano, he couldn't play because of the shaking, so he learned to play the Omnichord. It's hard to describe just what an Omnichord is. But it was the last thing my Grandfather was able to play, and we loved it.

 

It's worth noting that my Grandpa was the pillar of the family, and all of our family's inspiration and mentor. Losing him changed our family's dynamic forever. To me, he was the wisest man who ever lived, and I have based every decision I have ever made on what he would do, or who he was.

 

My Grandmother had four children with four different men, and when my Grandpa asked about dating her, he was told that she had a lot of kids. My Grandpa didn't care. He walked right up to her door, saw all four of them - including my father - through the screen door, and proceeded to ask my Grandmother out in front of them. He never once saw it an issue she had kids, and my dad and aunt and uncles never felt fatherless.

 

That speaks volumes about a man.

 

That four young children would get together and go ask a man if it was ok if they called him "Dad."

 

I never knew my Grandpa was not my flesh and blood until HE told me that story. And with tears streaming down his lovely face. He had a dozen grandchildren that loved him more than the world, and we never knew the difference.

 

We would oft go back into his bedroom, (because he was 95% confined to a wheelchair, and the hallway was very narrow) and spend time talking to him. A group of us children, or any of us individually. Our parents, and even their friends would travel down that hallway to sit on his bed and spend hours talking, learning, and regaling old and wise stories with him. He was a master of raunchy humor, and wrote a collaboration of short "dirty joke" stories called "Pissing in the Wind" that my brother (comic, author, publisher) has since published. He would sometimes say to me "I don't like kids." "I love em." The first line he was so good at saying he always sold it, then the next line would induce the giggles. He used to start counting my freckles at some random number in the millions, always gradually increasing the numbers over the years, lol.

 

He wrote letters to presidents and politicians and received personal letters back. He helped me write political speeches and honed my political knowledge and my articulation and vocabulary.

 

He emphatically made us kids cringe when telling us about the birds and the bees, and demanded we be sex positive, and argued with our parents for not talking to us and being lame and teaching us to feel shame. I'm a far better Mom, and an LGBTQ warrior because he gave me the vocabulary, dynamic, and bravery to speak for people so they wouldn't be exposed and denigrated.

 

He taught me about God, and he was the wonderful person who introduced me to the Blues. <3

 

Many years after he died, my Grandmother and I happened upon some of his cassette recordings one night, reminiscing through boxes of pictures and memories, and of course we dusted off the cassette player and popped it in. He did some covers of a beautiful Jules Sonnier song, and a few gospel songs. At one point he started to record a song (Lorelei) with his Omnichord; and he's singing away and Grandma and I are lost in it and enjoying the song and I guess his shaky hand hit the wrong key, and he huffs and says "Well, SHIT!" My grandmother and I both just busted into laughter and weeping at the same time.

 

It was like a piece of his humanity was shown and in that instant it reminded us both of how much we loved him and missed him.

 

Grandpa wrote music too. He wrote a song called Lorelei, about a WWII soldier who goes off to war and leaves his beloved Lorelei behind. The first verses are letters, and the last verses are them communicating through ghost lament and prayer. It's absolutely beautiful and my Grandma sang the female part. My sister Lorelei is named after that song. I think it's worth mentioning the girls' names in my family:

 

Melissa - Sweet Melissa - ABB

Jessica - Jessica - ABB

Lorelei - Lorelei - Frank Charboneau

 

I was born into music, and I feel blessed for that, and for getting to know the great man that was Frank Charboneau, descendant of Toussaint Charbonneau: rebel rouser, bullshitter, and womanizer, expeditioner and trapper extraordinaire.

 

And it would come as no surprise that he showed me the raw beauty that is Tracy Chapman. Sitting on his bed; talking, joking, singing and listening to music, was the first time I ever heard her music. He showed me "Gimme One Reason," and I instantly knew that even though I was just a 14 year old girl, this song would always have an importance in my life. I have since performed her song several hundred times at dozens of bars. And afterwards I would have people come and ask me "What is that song?! It reminds me of a memory."   (sigh) 

 

Her music is incredible, so bluesy and folksy. And raw honesty about life, love, God, and the times. Listening to her music has shaped my political narrative, and made me a smarter woman.

 

As a kid of a musician slash boilermaker slash bar fly, I wholly related to her music about love, foolish men, and stubborn women. I get it honest.

 

Ahhhh…music is beautiful.

 

I'm extremely lucky to have such an enriched musical appreciation and history, and I love that my memories always have a soundtrack. And that my wonderful Grandfather existed in this universe and in my life, even if only for the first 17 years.

 

For anyone who read this far, thank you. To me, being able to share my stories of him like he did makes me even more proud to have been his grand-daughter, and proud of who I have become.

 

His life deserved recognition and respect, and sharing his love of music does that for me, and I appreciate everyone for reading and being able to share these snippets of my life, love, and music.

 

<3

 

edit: book title correction

I fucking hate the sun

It makes me thirsty as fuck,

Sweaty as fuck, dry as fuck

(Yes, there too.)

 

Sure, the sun helps the flowers grow,

 

But I don't give a shit about flowers.

 

I love the Moon....

 

And I would fuck it if I could.

 

~<3 <3 <3

 

Music Series #3 - Kimbra "Settle Down" "Withdraw"

 

I wanted to write about Kimbra next, after writing about FKA Twigs, because Kimbra is the other artist that my long lost friend David introduced me to, and it would be more meaningful to tie the two together because of the correlation, for me personally anyway.

 

I was introduced to Kimbra one day back in February or March of 2012 while talking to David. We happened to be talking about Joseph Kony, and the whole marketing thing (Kony2012) that happened around the controversy.

 

We were talking about the video on YouTube and somehow (like always) the conversation turned to music. He mentioned that he had found this awesome show that puts its content on YouTube. It's a radio station in Australia called Triple J. And they had this segment ran by two guys called "Like A Version." Essentially Like a Version has artists come on the show and do covers of other artists' songs. If anyone hasn't heard of it before I encourage them to check it out. There are some epic performances.

 

He told me he discovered a singer from New Zealand on the show and he was 'going to marry her someday so don't even think of trying anything,' lol. He was absolutely smitten. He told me to look up 'Kimbra - Two Weeks/Head Over Heels' on YouTube. For anyone not familiar with amazing 80's music, "Two Weeks" is a hit done by the Grizzly Bears; and "Head Over Heels" is done by the one and only Tears for Fears. <3

 

Kimbra seemlessly smashes the two songs together and hints at her ability to use a Voice Touch and her own voice to make the music composition and the background vocals she sings to. Not to mention how breathtakingly stunning she is and how beautifully her mouth and body moves when she is in the music.

 

It was LOVE at first sight.

 

 

Imagine watching that video and being jealous that your bestie hypothetically 'claimed' her imaginary betrothal to him. HAHA. That is how stunning and entrancing she is. And that was only a cover video. I immediately dropped everything and went on an hours long Kimbra listening/watching session. I was hypnotized. She is so unique and for the life of me I cannot figure out why she is not ADELE level huge. She is one of the most amazing singers/songwriters I have ever heard!! Her talent is underestimated!!

 

Imagine being one of the most amazing musicians in the world and you're known as 'the chick in that Gotye video.'

 

She only got better with every song I heard and video I watched. "Settle Down" is an amazing song that she never does the same way live twice. And that is her trademark Voice Touch song. The coolest version I have heard to date is not the official, but the SXSW version she did several years ago live.

 

 

I have fallen in love with pretty much every song she has ever done, and most of her collaborations. She does an amazing collaboration called "Warrior" with Foster the People. She sings on John Legend's song "Made to Love" and doesn't even really get credit!! And of course the only place anyone who knows her from usually, Gotye's "Somebody I Used to Know."

 

 

One of my favorite collections of Kimbra's is a series of YouTube videos called the 'Sing Sing Sessions,' done and Sing Sing studio in Melbourne, Australia. Such raw versions of some of her best songs. And as always, she is beautiful and stunning and the music flows through her.

 

"Withdraw" though. THAT is my favorite Kimbra song.

 

 

Initially when you hear Withdraw you think that she is talking about a lover she holds higher than her other lovers, and in that alone the song is strong and emotional. When you listen closer though, you realize she is talking about God, and talking to God. It's then that you listen to every lyric and feel entranced as each word begins to hold more meaning and depth. I fell in love with Withdraw twice. Once, because there's always the love of your life that you hold above the rest; perhaps your first love, or one you lost. Twice, because - damn - my faith is strong and it has gotten me through some dark moments in my life and sometimes it has caused its own pain, but your faith or spirituality or mantra, whatever GOD each individual lives by, is unique and strongly personal. For some reason this song is hard to find. It was supposed to be on her Vows album, but it is getting harder to find. My favorite version is the one above; the one she does for Billboard Tastemakers Sessions Series.

 

O - K ! I gushed a little bit and posted a few more videos than I planned to, but those who hang in there, read, and watch and listen will be rewarded. Music is all about how it hits you…and this girl smacks me in the face and heart from all sides.

 

Her music is my favorite to sing. I love emulating her style and adding it to my own. She is priceless. <3

 

Enjoy ~

 

Music Series #2 - FKA Twigs "Pendulum" "Two Weeks"

 

When music is such a big part of your history and your life, you find that along the way some of the friends that you make are because of your common tastes in music. I've met many people at festivals, and met sooo many people over internet. I have lifelong friends who I met on Playstation. I'm drawn to people who either share my tastes in music, play music, or have a deep appreciation for music.

 

In 2010 I met a guy on Playstation while running around on Playstation Home and acting like I was cool. He was from NYC, and he could talk shit with the best of the best. He was hilarious. I wish we were still friends but over the years he has become more and more mentally ill and only shows up sporadicly at points in my life, in our circle of friends' life.

 

We all consider eachother real friends. There is no difference between real life and internet for me, I have met and lived with and partied with and just plain enabled many friends who I have met through the net. I find it easier to find friends who fit my mentality than to limit myself to just those people who happen to be in my community (which is very limiting seeing as I am a liberal and everyone around here is conservative). I guess everyone on this site dually understands that, because of the family dynamic we have here..elsewhere I usually have to preface because people with discount the other people you care about if you don't live down the street from them. That really gets to me.

 

Back to NYC guy. I get along with New York City/Jersey guys. I can't explain it. I think it might have something to do with my mother's side of the family being from Bayonne. Everyone here thinks they are being scolded when a New Yorker talks to them; I feel like I'm talking to my Jersey family, and I can be blunt and honest. And I have a soft spot for my puertoriquenos. I have many Puerto Rican friends and mamas. I love how close puertoriquenos are to their mamas and since I lost mine so young I guess it always has been a relationship dynamic I have sought out because of missing out on it. I got to talk to my Orlando mama Lillian just the other day on video chat and she told me how beautiful I age and what is that on my face young lady?!? (I have labret snake bite peircings, lol) The second day I knew her in May 2011 she went to town on my hair and braided all of my hair (all 3.5 feet of it) into two braids. She takes a step back and chuckles and says "chica, you look like frikkin Pocahontas!" We both almost died laughing. I dated her son for several months and I think when I look back on it all, we spent so much time together I guess I was actually dating her, LOL.

 

Ok, if I don't stop myself I will get caught up in memories and never get back to the point.

 

My bronx off/on bestie's name is David. When we met, both of also met this Native American guy from Texas named Jerry, and we all became best friends. Like blood brother best friends. We'd gameshare and buy eachother games. We'd call eachother when we were on the city bus going to work. We would wire eachother money through Western Union for weed if one of us was broke and the other had extra, lol.

 

David used to add a secret question when he would Western Union transfer money to me and it would always be, "Who am I?" And I would always have to look the cashier in the face and say "DADDY."  Hahahaha. I don't know why it took me so long to figure out what to do about it til I sent him money the next time and made him answer the same question. With the same answer.

 

Since then I have met and dated my Master and the circle became one bigger. People have come and gone over the years but through it all 3-4 of us have stayed close. David comes and goes. He feels happy for a while, then he gets bitter and none of us can help him.

 

David is one of my musical soulmates. I'm sure you can understand the notion; some people just have an ear for sound that is just like yours, and you can depend on their taste. Over the years we have introduced each other to different artists, usually when he would come back around for a while. He has the voice of an angel. He has introduced me to some of the best artists I have ever heard. I have a rich musical background but he has introduced me to 2 artists on this series list.

 

One of those artists is FKA Twigs.

 

The name sounds weird right? When she started out her stage name was just Twigs; people called her Twigs because she was a dancer and her bones would crack and pop. Somebody apparently was called Twigs before her so she just changed it to FKA Twigs.

 

She sings a perfect high breathy soprano, and her music is very avant garde. Her body is sexual and beautiful and it itself a piece of art. It is very apparent in her videos. The only mainstream recognition she has gotten I believe is that her song "Two Weeks" was used in a murder scene in the show 'Mr. Robot.'

 

FKA Twigs is very much a submissive. She shows that in her videos. In "Pendulum" her own hair is used in  shibari and suspension bondage while she sings. It is about how lonely it can be even when you are with someone but you want more. It is artistic and beautiful and I absolutely love it.

 

I'm a sweet, little love maker..

Finding time, to make my words better.. 

FKA Twigs also has a song called "Papi Pacify" that is so sexy and so incredibly BDSM and I encourage anyone who reads my blogs to check out her videos. You will not be disappointed.

"Two Weeks" is her most popular song. The video she does has her doing several one take videos in different positions and then editing them all together flawlessly. She is an egyptian goddess and the statues next to her are her, and her harem are all her…her council, again all played by her. And she is painted gold and is extremely sexy.

I don't know as much about FKA Twigs as I do my beloved SRV, so most of my story about her is how I met the person who introduced me to her. And how I instantly fell in love with her music, and how different she is.

 

And sometimes it's important to have the song and the memories of long, chaotic, but true familial relationships we find with others out there in the aether. Here's to lost friends and lovers. 

 

<3