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Enter the Void

Ramblings and musings of a fox who is struggling to pull herself together and regain the confidence that was once broken and stripped from her. Will most likely be nothing more than a mind dump when things are getting rough.
5 days ago. Fri 15 Mar 2019 09:21:50 PM IST

Yup. I'm the one who fucked up. 

 

It's all on me. 

 

Nothing like this has ever happened before but somehow I was supposed to know and anticipate this.

 

Totally not up to you to know what you've been rehearsing for a couple months now. 

 

Totally unfair of me to have my own shit set up to my cues, not yours. 

 

Totally my fault. 

 

I'm the worst. I ruined everything. 

 

Whatever helps you sleep at night. 

 

(Not about Wolfy and I. Just because I know that will be asked.)

1 week ago. Tue 12 Mar 2019 11:02:47 AM IST

"Power is of two kinds. One is obtained by the fear of punishment and the other by acts of love. Power based on love is a thousand times more effective and permanent than the one derived from fear of punishment."

- Mahatma Gandhi

 

I completely agree. 

 

And for this reason, I do not believe in rules and punishments. Now, no one is wrong for doing such things - if you're doing it right, the punishments and rules should come from a place of love and respect, anyway. So it's still falling under "power by love" in my mind. If it works for you, then go for it.

 

But for me... my partner knowing I love him and knowing that he can come to me and my reactions and responses are out of love, opens us up so much more than him worrying about punishment. I used to unintentionally punish him, from a lack of emotional control. And it caused him to withdraw and... not keep things from me per se, but just... not bring them up. If I asked or prodded he would have spoken. But neither of us wanted that.

 

I'm still not perfect and in times of high stress I break a bit and lose some control of emotions. I make it kinda difficult to talk sometimes. But, no longer (I hope at least!) Is there a fear of unintentional punishment. He knows that, even if we disagree, I will still love him and still be by his side. 

 

He would have to do something morally wrong for me to ever falter in my love for him. And the same for me. 

 

Trying to love people in general, not just my husband, has helped me out in the world as well. I've been able to better a relationship with a supervisor because I continued to care about him even though he royally messed up and hurt a friend of mine, as well as a few other coworkers, while everyone else turned their back on him. And I am seeing the appreciation and respect growing from him because of that. 

 

I'm able to push aside more things that used to trigger an emotional response from me. More so than before. 

 

I dont worry as much about the negative thoughts that plague my mind, try to make me worry about subjects that dont matter or events that never happened. I've started getting more control over my anxiety... I feel a difference. 

 

Love is truly the most powerful force in this world. And when you start to allow it to rule you... to influence and build you... you can feel it. 

 

Love is the power I want. 

2 weeks ago. Tue 05 Mar 2019 08:20:57 PM IST

Nothing brings a session from a low to a high like laughter. 

 

Joking around with Wolfy after I've been stroking him and going down on him, giggling after we've cum and we're in the middle of post-sex snuggles, tickling and mleming (a silly thing we do that involves tiny licks and making that sound), old inside jokes... 

 

Those moments, when you can be silly with your partner, despite still having them inside you/being inside them, or still covered in sweat, or even in the middle of things... those moments are the best, in my opinion at least. 

 

I was always awkward and nervous with joking around during things, when Wolfy and I would meet up for a week or two here and there (I was a virgin when we started dating). I didnt understand how something so "serious" (thanks, mom and dad, for instilling nerves and fear into me -.-) could be better with laughter. But now, I love it <3 

 

Wishing we weren't out til God-awful hours every night right now, cause I want a round 2 >.> 

2 weeks ago. Fri 01 Mar 2019 03:39:42 PM IST

Been having a rough time lately... rough enough that I'm starting to contemplate seeing someone to talk to about it, despite my distaste of therapy/councelling, because of bad past experiences. 

 

I ended up hurting Wolfy twice between last night and this morning... not intentionally, but I did some stupid things that resulted in some arguing and hurt feelings. Everything is fine now, but still, I regret deeply that I hurt him and wish I could take it back. 

 

But my cute, sweet, loveable wolf is such a love, that despite /him/ being the one hurt, he went out of his way to bring these to me at work, so he could brighten/my/ day: 

 

It was such a sweet, unexpected surprise... I almost wanted to cry in the middle of the lunch rush Haha.

 

So many times, he does things so sweet, unexpected, and wonderful things. I find myself constantly amazed by the amount of love this man has in his body... I'm so blessed. <3

 

I love you Wolfy. My sweet mate <3 

2 weeks ago. Thu 28 Feb 2019 10:46:30 AM IST

I've worked here for almost a year and a half. You've only been here for 3 months.

 

I have expertly passed all exams, trainings, tests. You havent even taken them all yet. 

 

I have some of the fastest times in my store, on all positions. And yet, until now because it's the game you're playing, I dont brag about it. I just do my damn job. 

 

Just because you're training to become a supervisor, doesnt mean you know better. Guess what? I'm being trained for it too. Just not officially because there are no slots open. But you didnt know that, did you? Because you dont frigging need to. 

 

You cant even handle more than one sandwich at a time. I stack the grill with 5+ and barely slow. 

 

You wanna play the one-up game? I'll play. And you won't like it when I start, because I can actually back up my claims. Dont talk shit if you cant support it. 

 

If your store was so good... why were you sent here to train? 

 

If your store is so good... why do they never get higher than an 80 on inspections, while we consisitantly get the highest score of 100?

 

If your store is so good, and "makes so much more" (I've seen your numbers... no, you dont), why couldnt you keep up on even our slowest days? 

 

Your store is bigger, yes. But it isnt better. The scores alone prove that. Your actions vs ours back it up. 

 

I know what I'm doing. Shut up, stop incorrectly telling me what to do, and let me do my job so I can fix the shitty times you're making. Customers shouldn't have to wait 5+ minutes for a damn cheesesteak. 

 

Its not a hard job. Get your shit together before you try to act all high and mighty. 

 

I cant fucking stand one-uppers. I'm doing so well at biting my lip, but I've almost bitten it off... 1400 cant come fast enough. I cant wait til she leaves. 

3 weeks ago. Mon 25 Feb 2019 09:27:11 PM IST

It's crazy to me, how you know all the right ways to get my engine roaring. 

 

Snuggling up to me, resting a hand on my thigh, my breast, my stomach... And just barely, faintly, softly, breathing against my neck. I don't think you even realize you do it, but you do. And it feels divine. 

 

Biting your lip when I pull you close, bending your knee just enough to make it so I am finally the same size as you or taller. Looking up at me through your (unfairly!) gorgeous lashes. 

 

Draping your legs over mine (Especially when you're in your skirt so I can easily pet your legs <3), and wrapping your arms around my neck, to snuggle me. 

 

Bending over to pick something up/put something down, and teasing /me/ when I come up to playfully hump you (I'm so glad you put up with my butt-i-ness :P), by pressing back against me and grinding on me when you come back up. 

 

Making sure to reach over and touch me now and then if we're out of the house and around other people, to remind me that you're mine, you're here, I'm not forgotten. Making eye-contact if, for whatever reason, we're not next to each other, to do the same. 

 

Moaning for me, because you know I like it. 

 

Obeying every command, without making me repeat myself. 

 

Being mine. 

 

I can't wait 'til things slow down with the theater so we can have more time together again. While I love being there and helping out... The exhaustion from never being home, makes it so hard to take you, make love to you... 

 

I can't wait to have more time alone. <3 x

1 month ago. Wed 20 Feb 2019 07:29:14 PM IST

Wolfy is gone pretty much all day on Wednesdays now because of school. Comes home just in time for bed. 

 

So on days like today when I'm horny and there is no Wolfy to pounce, I get especially bitter. It sucks not being able to take advantage of the silly name. 

 

Screw you hump-day -.- haha

1 month ago. Sun 17 Feb 2019 08:44:47 AM IST

Move aside Elsa - there's a new queen in town;D 

Jokes aside, I couldnt help myself when this was the first thing I saw in the ice bar we went to. Holy crap I had so much fun. Poor Wolfy, not so much - he cant stand being cold, but he was such a good sport for me <3 I've wanted to visit one for over a decade, since I heard about the first one opening. This wasnt the original, since we were in Prague, but holy crap am I glad we went <3 

 

I wanted a pic of Wolfy kneeling in front of me here but... didn't feel it appropriate to ask total strangers to take that pic for us ^^; Haha. Oh well. 

 

Thought the pic was fun and decided to share :P 

1 month ago. Thu 14 Feb 2019 11:36:22 PM IST

 ... He gets rewarded. <3 

 

My love was a huge help making dinner, bought me a new, gorgeous bike (I was walking to work until now so that is a HUGE help!), and was super frigging snuggly all day, so he had to get some loving <3 

 

Happy Valentine's day, fellow Kinksters ;)

 

1 month ago. Sat 09 Feb 2019 02:55:50 PM IST

Breathe. Stop freaking out over every little thing. Sometimes, not being in control of everything is okay. Remember that. 

 

Don't go overboard with the planning. Not every second of every day needs to be accounted for. And that's totally okay. 

 

Just relax. Enjoy the moment. Stop stressing til you give yourself a headache. 

 

R. E. L. A. X.

 

You got this, Dark Fox. Just breathe. <3