1 week ago. Tue 06 Nov 2018 05:08:03 PM IST
As a child, I struggled through a lot of hard times. My parents divorced, seemingly (to my 9yo self) out of nowhere. My father was kept away from me, because he was angry and my mother did not trust him (Though there was no reason for it). I had to claim I was sick and refuse to go to school before I got to visit with him again. While the divorce was happening, I learned it all started because my mother had simply fallen out of love with my father and cheated on him. She didn't even give him the courtesy of talking to him about it, and leaving him before finding someone else. I started off having a terrible view of what a marriage was, and I feel now like that's where some of my trust issues began.
Shortly after that, my mother went to jail. Embezzlement. She was gone for two years of my life, and sadly, two very formitive years, leaving my father to try and raise a confused girl on the brink of her teens. Not having a strong figure to guide me, started to break down my previous strong and leading personality.
Because of the divorce, I moved around. A lot. All within the same state, and not too far of an area, but I went to many different schools, had to leave behind numerous friends, and by the time I ended up at the school I would be in for the rest of my child-teen years... I felt numb.
In my second-to-last school, I started to struggle with anxiety. I was afraid of going because so many people knew my parents there and knew what happened. As I feared, I started to be bullied pretty quickly. Teased for being the daughter of a felon. Mocked for keeping my head down and not really talking much. Ignored whenever I did finally try to speak up and make friends.
I think that's where my self-confidence issues started. I had never been bullied before. I had a pretty easy life before that - Everyone loved me, I had a natural charisma about myself even at 5 years old that made it so easy to make friends, even if I hung out with the "weird ones" (When I left schools, until the one mentioned above, there was virtually no more bullying in my grade. I made sure everyone followed rules and was nice to one another, I brought classes together). Everyone naturally flocked to me and seemed to want to listen to me and do as I asked, though I feel like, even as a child, I was fair with this, and only asked anything once I knew it was the right choice. But this new school... I was already feeling weighed down with the fear that I was never going to see my mother again (We all catostrophize at that age), not understanding why she and my father weren't together anymore, and struggling with the fact that I now had this other man in my life, trying to be some sort of parental figure to me (While I was a jerk to him in HS, my step-father is one of my biggest supporters now and I love him to death. But it was still hard to get used to it all). So to have kids, for the first time ever, actually try to make me feel worse about everything? I couldn't handle it.
Even when I made friends there - one of whom is still my best friend (Outside of my husband) to this day and who I can't imagine life without - I still struggled. I was broken. I couldn't think or feel for myself anymore. Other people had to defend me. I lost my spine.
Before long though, I ended up moving - again - to my final school. I only spent about 4 months at the other school, but those 4 months were enough to make it so that, at my final one, which I'll refer to as RV if needed, I came in shy, timid, afraid.
Things were... Even worse, here. Everyone knew my family. We were huge in the area that school was in, as my dad did so much for the community there. Everyone knew where my mother was. And they planned to use it against me. Luckily, one girl whose father was friends with mine, decided she was going to take me under her wing. I'm going to call her Jessica. At first I felt relieved that, right away, someone wanted to be my friend. She chased off the people who sought to hurt me. She made sure that I always knew where to go and what to say. She helped me feel welcome. And through her, I made other friends, even branching off into a slightly different group that made me feel a little more welcome. But Jessica was always there, regardless.
Unfortunately, that didn't last. By the time the next school year rolled around, and we finally hit our teens, things changed drastically. Jessica's newfound friends started convincing her that boys were more important than anything else. She started to ditch and ignore me for other people. She began to kind of keep me around as more of a pet than a friend. And for someone who used to be so headstrong and have such a leading personality, that really, really messed me up. But by that point, I believed so little in myself, that I simply accepted the fact that I wasn't important anymore, and instead I forced myself to do as she said in order to try and hold on to what little friendship I had left. I felt desperate to please her because I felt like I had no where else to go and no one to turn to. So I destroyed what little of my original self I had left, to become what she wanted.
In the end, she left me, told me she hated me and she didn't want anything to do with me now. Once we got to High School, she cut me off, and we never spoke, for almost the entire 4 years.
It was in no way a healthy friendship. Now, as adults, we've talked about things and she's apologized for what she did to me. And I forgave her. But it doesn't change what happened, and it didn't magically help me gain my old self back.
I made other friends, one of whom I thought was my best friend - even called her my Twin, we were so close - but even that friendship ended in heartache. She got jealous when I started dating my now-husband, and ended up chasing me away and blaming me for our friendship ending. I'm sure I wasn't a saint and I did mess up, but hearing her talk so horribly about me and spin the story so that I Was this evil person, only helped to drag me down more. She ended up chasing off some of my other friends and leaving me to fight to pick up the pieces and get them back. I haven't talked to her in almost 5 years, and it still kills me to this day. I have the ability to, I can find her on FB and message her there, but I'm terrified to.
I was fine for the longest time, just being this broken girl who had built up a wall around her mind and her heart to keep people from getting too close. But, as I met my husband and we started talking, I found myself wanting to break down that wall, let him in, and try to trust again.
Unfortunately, having been so hurt by people in the past... I still have that wall. 5 years we've been together. Married for 3. And I still hide my pain from him. I still feel afraid to talk to him about some things, because I'm scared I'll chase him off, even though he's given me absolutely no reason to think that way. I've been trying so hard over the past year, after a long time of self-reflexion and some scares to snap me back to reality, to rediscover myself. I've been trying so hard to regain the confidence I once had, and to return to my old self. Especially being married to a 100% pure submissive... He brings out thoughts and tendancies in me, that I haven't felt before. He's driving out that old dominant side to myself, that I haven't seen in over a decade. He's making me want to be a better person. To take care of him and of us and the family we hope to start growing in the near future. And yet... I'm having such a hard time doing so.
Am I completely broken? Is it going to now be impossible for me to return to my old ways and old personality? That's my biggest fear right now, for two reasons - One, I don't want my husband being forced to be someone he's not, because he married someone who possibly isn't a dominant. We've talked about it numerous times, and he's assured me that, no matter what, he's with me 'til the end. But I can't do that to him, not willingly at least. I've hurt him enough over the past few years from not really understanding him or myself. And two, I'm tired of not being me. I'm tired of being tired all the time, from fighting this wall, and from living life in a way that doesn't make me happy. I don't like this "new me". I want the old me back. The old child who had no issue being herself and who was happy to take charge and run everything to make sure that her friends and family were cared for. I want to be able to be myself again so that I don't freak out every time I need to decide something for my family, because there's no reason for it. But, even after 5 years of nothing but endless love and support... I still can't break that wall down. It's crumbling now, but... It's still way stronger than I'd like.
I don't know what to do or where to go from here. I don't even really know why I'm posting this, maybe for advice, but I'm not necessarily looking for that. Maybe I'm just hoping if I ramble about all of this, I'll feel a little better.
I just... Am so tired, of being a strong, dominant personality stuck in the body of a weak, spineless girl.