Enter the Void

Figured I'd join the crowd Haha. 

~

1: My favourite childhood toy.

My teddy bear. I still have him, he watches over the bedroom from my dresser Haha. Only real consistency in my life growing up so I grew very attached. 

2: Favourite album.

Evanescence's "Fallen"

3: Favourite childhood TV show.

*Favorite* was probably Rugrats. 

4: First film at the cinema

Oh geez... I honestly don't remember at all. I mean, I think the earliest I can recall right now is the Jimmy Neutron movie but that *definitely* wasn't the first. 

5: First crush Celebrity and Personal

I mean I told people I had a crush on Lance Bass as a kid lmao. But honestly, I've never had a celebrity crush. Lied for years because I definitely didn't understand my Demisexuality and I'm sure no one else would have, so I tried to fit in. 

My first and *only* crush, is definitely my Wolfy 💙

6: Favourite animal

In case the name isn't enough of a giveaway Haha, foxes :P

7: Favourite film

Fox and the Hound was always my answer. I don't think that's true now, though. 

I think it's actually Hocus Pocus.

8: First kiss who and where

Wolfy. In her apartment when I flew to meet her for the first time ^^

9: First real contact with the Kink world

Wolfy, again. And I think if you're asking like, play/scene it was something simple like trying her down. 

10: Only one person to be left on a Island with for a year 

This is... so hard.

If I *know* our son will be taken care of by family we trust? Then Wolfy. 

Otherwise as much as I would go crazy without Wolfy... I'd have to choose my son. I'd have to make sure he's safe. 

If it's *stranded* on an island, like no supplies, then probably Wolfy... And I'd hope my son will be brought to family. He'd prolly already be there if we were on a trip or something Haha. I worry I wouldn't be able to care for him properly by myself in a *stranded* situation. 

This question is so much harder and scarier with the Dudemin being a factor now XD 

I've been a huge fan of rope for a good, long time. Rigging is something I want to get really good at, and be able to fully enjoy with my Wolfy. 

Finally around Christmas time, I was able to get some Twisted Monk rope, and then, well... 

Life with a 1 year old means very little time to learn new skills XD So I only just recently started to actually play with the rope. Today I finally tried it on Wolfy! 

Had some fun with pics, and I'm sharing off my favorites 💙 

My gorgeous love. 

Clearly new to rope so it's not the nicest and most professional ties Haha, but, we had fun and that's what matters. Just gotta find the time to keep working at it. 

So tired of people not respecting me and my profiles on sites.

I have it stated as loud and clear on my profile that I am ONLY here to learn, and make friends. I don't want to hook up, be dominated/dominate people, fuck around. I just want to learn. So I can discover myself, and grow. I also have my partner's name attached to mine, hoping to further drive home the point of, I'm already with someone, leave me alone.

Yes, poly is a thing, but my point still remains - read profiles before messaging people. Because I also state I'm in a monogamous, closed marriage.

People CONSTANTLY message me without two seconds of respect to check my profile and make sure that, ya know, I actually want to be propositioned. Or I'd be okay with it. And I'm tired of it. I'm tired of being disrespected and treated like I'm just some... Thing, for people to use.

So when I get these messages, I'm very to the point and blunt. I don't go out of my way to be mean, but you can only be so nice when telling someone they're being rude and ignoring what you've put out there to answer their question before its asked. But I'M the mean one. For telling them they don't read or telling them no because they're disrespectful.

They're not at all mean or rude for coming onto me even though I have it VERY OBVIOUSLY STATED that I don't want that. No, not at all.

A lot of times I even get people playing the victim card.

YOU came to ME and disrespected me. Nah, you're not the victim here because I told you no.

Especially not when I get two or three FURTHER messages clearly trying to guilt me into feeling bad and letting them serve me. Or even worse, the pricks who dare to say, "But I can take care of you better than your partner could".

Fuck. You.

Why is disrespect so RAMPANT online? I'm so tired of it.

Are any other kinksters participating in NaNo this year? I like collecting friends, and since I redid my profile, I have pretty much none, so I'm looking to add more people on there who are trying to write for all of November! 8D 

Let me know if you are, and we can exchange NaNo names! 

(Also, I know I haven't been around much lately. Thinking I'm gonna try to get back into blogging again... Even if it's just to ramble about my day-to-day. We've been super busy lately.) 

I can't stand being so emotional. 

I can't stand these hormones anymore... The postpartum depression and anxiety... 

Feeling alone...

Wolfy has been gone a lot the past few days, for work and prior commitments, leaving me alone at home with the baby and my dad. My dad has been stressing me out a lot, and despite him being there, I feel even *more* alone for some reason. And our little one has a horrible time sleeping during the day... so I end up stressed and frustrated. I feel like I never get a break from him. Which would he fine if he wasnt so... inconsolable, which makes me feel like a failure of a mother. 

I was looking forward to finally having him back all day tomorrow. Only having him leave for an hour or so. But now... it's looking like our plans for D&D are cancelled and I'm scared he's going to be gone all day again because of it. 

I shouldn't feel this way. It shouldn't be so hard to be alone. I shouldn't feel like he needs to be home with me all the time. But the thought of another day "alone" has me wanting to cry backstage while I wait for his show to be  over. I want to go with him tomorrow but I don't know if its smart or worth it, or fair... 

God I hate being so emotional. I hate feeling like I'm breaking down. I'm supposed to be getting more control over myself, bettering myself, for him, for me, for our son... but I'm doing the opposite. I'm failing. 

I want to ask for nothing to change tomorrow. Just an hour away. But I dunno if that's fair of me to ask. 

I hate feeling stuck at home... like I can't have a life anymore or be a part of things. 

I love my family. I love my son. I hate feeling so emotional. 

I hate being scared. Selfish. 

Weak... 

Dunno why but my last post disappeared... Trying again. 

~

I'm currently *desperate* for sex. 

But being not quite 3 weeks post-partum and stitched up, I can't have it. 

So how does one get enjoyment when they can't do anything down there other than maybe masturbation? 

They take their love, of course! He can't get inside me right now but there's nothing stopping me from getting inside him ;) 

Had my wolf dress up for me, and then took some pictures to enjoy later before spending time prepping him and finally taking him. 

And I got to have one of his firsts, which I didn't think would ever happen due to me not being his first relationship Haha - I got him to cum from Anal.

Pretty big confidence boost, and it was sexy as hell to feel him getting off from it. The sounds he made in my ear... I'm addicted and already wanting a round 2 in hopes of making him cum for me that way again Haha. 

But for him being such a good boy I'll share some of what I took today~ Enjoy my sexy, gorgeous love 💙

Hello all, 

My love and I have gotten more into discord lately and were displeased with the selection of lifestyle-related servers, so we decided to take it upon ourselves to create one! We've wanted to run our own community for different things for a long time, but Discord made it so much easier. 

The goal for us is to create a RACK and SSC-centered server where all people-kinky or vanilla - could come to learn, meet people, get advice, ask questions, whatever their heart desires!

It's still in its baby stages but we are trying really hard to build it up! We have several sections to keep NSFW separated, a "library" we want to fill with helpful, kink-related resources, and the ability for mentoring! If we feel someone has a good handle on the lifestyle and is easy to talk to, and friendly with our members, we may choose to allow them the "Mentor" role - meaning we have validated them as trustworthy and their advice is good, safe, and helpful!

Anyway. I'm just... really excited about this Haha. So I wanted to ramble on about it. Not going to share a link here but if anyone is curious and wants to ask more, message me or comment here so I can message you :) 

I'm going to try to be active more here, too, now that the creation of the server is out of the way. So maybe I'll see you all around! :P 

My love went above and beyond for me today. Instead of using his day off to rest and relax, as he has had a hellish week, he used it to make my life easier, because my week hasn't been the greatest, either. 

At work, I was asked to pick up a weekend or two while we waited for our two open positions to be filled. I agreed, as long as I was asked and told first what days - the end of this month and almost all of next month was/is busy for the two of us, and I wasnt willing to change my plans. Some of those plans included payments that either we couldnt get back or wouldn't get in full, I wasnt willing to lose that money. 

I was told I would be needed the last weekend of March - next weekend. Great! We had nothing planned. I wanted the weekend just to rest and recoup, but, I also care about my friends. I couldnt let them suffer. So I accepted. 

Did they schedule me for next weekend?

No. They scheduled me for this weekend. And I didn't notice until Thursday. I had a show this weekend and because of them, I had to miss it. (Luckily I was only stage managing, not performing, and it was an easy enough gig for managing that Wolfy could take over. But still.) 

Not only did I close on Saturday night, which I am NOT supposed to do anymore and I was told it would only be opening shifts, but I then had a dinner we had to go to for the show, which went until midnight, and THEN I had to OPEN today. I /never/ open on Sundays as we have church and we teach CRE. This has been a thing since I started. Well before I got morning shifts. 

Manager fought me on it, I had no way to prove I didnt agree to work these days, so I had to work. And they were MISERABLE. We had an entire days worth of dishes to do Saturday night, when morning dishes are supposed to be done before the afternoon shift comes in, and they weren't busy at all so there is no excuse. Plus, I had to prep an entire day's worth of food because Sunday was understaffed. 

To that note, this morning, it was supposed to be my friend (supervisor), and myself doing morning prep, then another girl coming in at 0900 when we open, one more at 1000, two at 1100, and three at 1300, when they were trying to let me leave because I did NOT want to stay til 1500 when I had been screwed over. 

Our 0900? No call, no show. Her number was disconnected. Our 1000? "Sick". And I say that because she pulls this all the time so I dont believe her. 

It was just my friend and I for 3 hours. On a shift that requires 4 or more. And then everyone else who came in basically, save for the second supervisor, was new. So they didnt help much (not to their fault of course). They tried which was great, but it wasnt much. 

I had to stay til 1500. Worried poor Wolfy too cause I hadn't texted in forever (I can usually sneak off now and then haha) and he thought I was coming home early. 

As I bought groceries and tried to come home I got really, really upset over someone's rude message on a different site toward our relationship. So I came home shaking and pissed. 

My love... my sweet love... He had done mountains of laundry that we still had to finish. Picked up the house a bit. Borrowed one of my dresses (We're still working on clothes for him Haha, but honestly, no reason not to share ~),  got all prettied up (he is getting so good with his makeup <3), and sprayed on some of my favorite body spray. He had candles lit in the bathroom. He told me that after we ate he had some surprises for me - I'm usually wary with surprises as, well, I am not involved in their planning. But I was too tired and the idea of not deciding things sounded wonderful for a bit. So I was left to shower, clean up after my crappy day, and when I came out he had warmed up some baby oil and had me lay down on the bed. 

My love gave me the most /amazing/ full-body massage. Started with my back, popping tons of knots that really, really needed relief (I had no idea my back was so bad...) and ended with the most amazing frigging orgasm his fingers have ever given me *///*

Once I was as cleaned up from the oil as I could be, he showed me that he had drawn a bath for me, candles still lit and filling the air with my favorite scent, music going, lights off (just enough ambiance coming from the frosted windows)... Bath bomb made the water blue and sparkly, it was so pretty, and he brought in tea, and ice cream... I thought the ice cream weird but it had a purpose. 

He had turned up the heat on the bathroom radiator, used hot water, and closed the door to turn our bathroom into a sauna basically. And it. Was. Perfect. I had the best tea ever, and the ice cream helped to cool me down when it started getting a little too hot but I wasn't ready to come out. 

When I did finally come out, free of oil, I was laid down once more, with a leash in hand, to make him get me off with his delicious mouth. And by the end of that, I was no longer bothered by my day. 

I love this man so much. He knew exactly what would make me feel better and he put forth so much effort. And for the first time in a while, even hours after it's done, I feel at peace. 

It was such a beautiful moment for me. So needed and sweet. 

I need to better myself for him. I need to find myself a good, stable job so I can allow him to stay at home like we both want. He needs this. He seemed so happy today, even though he was so busy. 

Goals are set. 

Yup. I'm the one who fucked up. 

It's all on me. 

Nothing like this has ever happened before but somehow I was supposed to know and anticipate this.

Totally not up to you to know what you've been rehearsing for a couple months now. 

Totally unfair of me to have my own shit set up to my cues, not yours. 

Totally my fault. 

I'm the worst. I ruined everything. 

Whatever helps you sleep at night. 

(Not about Wolfy and I. Just because I know that will be asked.)

"Power is of two kinds. One is obtained by the fear of punishment and the other by acts of love. Power based on love is a thousand times more effective and permanent than the one derived from fear of punishment."

- Mahatma Gandhi

I completely agree. 

And for this reason, I do not believe in rules and punishments. Now, no one is wrong for doing such things - if you're doing it right, the punishments and rules should come from a place of love and respect, anyway. So it's still falling under "power by love" in my mind. If it works for you, then go for it.

But for me... my partner knowing I love him and knowing that he can come to me and my reactions and responses are out of love, opens us up so much more than him worrying about punishment. I used to unintentionally punish him, from a lack of emotional control. And it caused him to withdraw and... not keep things from me per se, but just... not bring them up. If I asked or prodded he would have spoken. But neither of us wanted that.

I'm still not perfect and in times of high stress I break a bit and lose some control of emotions. I make it kinda difficult to talk sometimes. But, no longer (I hope at least!) Is there a fear of unintentional punishment. He knows that, even if we disagree, I will still love him and still be by his side. 

He would have to do something morally wrong for me to ever falter in my love for him. And the same for me. 

Trying to love people in general, not just my husband, has helped me out in the world as well. I've been able to better a relationship with a supervisor because I continued to care about him even though he royally messed up and hurt a friend of mine, as well as a few other coworkers, while everyone else turned their back on him. And I am seeing the appreciation and respect growing from him because of that. 

I'm able to push aside more things that used to trigger an emotional response from me. More so than before. 

I dont worry as much about the negative thoughts that plague my mind, try to make me worry about subjects that dont matter or events that never happened. I've started getting more control over my anxiety... I feel a difference. 

Love is truly the most powerful force in this world. And when you start to allow it to rule you... to influence and build you... you can feel it. 

Love is the power I want.