Enter the Void

Why is it so hard for people to believe Dom/mes can be shy? 

How I am around other people who I dont know has no bearing on how I am in a relationship. You dont have to be dominant to everyone to be a Dominant. You dont have to be submissive to everyone to be a submissive. 

I'm shy as hell til I get comfortable with someone. Doesnt make me any less of a Domme to my love. 

And last I checked... theres a good number of Dom/mes just like me. So I'm definitely not an oddball. 

Why do people constantly have to judge? Its exhausting. 

Sometimes, the best way to rearrange the room, is to bend over the bed and fuck so hard things move. Let sex decide where that stupid nightstand goes. Who needs symmetry anyway? 

Yes, this Domme enjoys bottoming sometimes Haha. 

A good doggy-style can be quite enjoyable. Not gonna deny it. 

Plus, getting off before bed is a good sleep aid ;)

Just felt the need to share. :p

Wish people would realize this. 

You can be jealous without it having ANYTHING to do with trust. 

I'm a rather jealous person. But it's not from having no trust in my love. 

Yes, I get jealous if he looks at other people. But, it's not because I worry he's going to want them over me. It's because, umm, I'm right here! Give /me/ your attention! 

Yes, I get jealous if he pays more attention to friends rather than me. Not because I think he's bored with me. But because I want /all/ his attention. 

Yes, I would get jealous if we were to add another into our household and he played with them on his own or he gave them more attention than me. Not because I fear he'll like them more than me. But because, again, I want his attention. 

I get jealous of people who have better jobs than me, because I want what they have. 

I get jealous of people with children, because I so /badly/ want a baby right now. 

I'm jealous of people who work at home, because I would love to be able to set my own schedule, and be able to help with the house instead of it always being slightly cluttered. 

I'm jealous of the people in the theater who are better at acting/singing than me, because I wish I was good. 

None of that has anything to do with trust. 

But, I'm still a jealous person. 

I don't /allow/ myself to give in to these issues - I fight my jealousy daily. I don't allow myself to steal 100% of Wolfy's attention because, let's face it, that's ridiculous. I want it, but I very much accept I can't have it. I don't let my mind bum me out if he does look elsewhere, because two seconds later, those same, gorgeous eyes are right back on me, and in the end, it doesn't matter (Even if it doesn't make sense to me, haha, because of my sexuality). I don't really care if others are better at things than I am, if they have better jobs/homes, or any of that. Because it means I have goals to work to. 

I don't /act/ on those jealous emotions (Most days, I mean, I'm human haha). I get over it. 

But, I'm still jealous. 

And that DOES NOT MEAN I don't trust my husband. Jealousy =/= Lack of trust. More people need to understand that. 

I fully agree that it's wrong to be a jealous person but either ignore it or just not do anything to better yourself. But you're not terrible because you're /jealous/. I feel like jealousy is something many people don't understand fully. 

And, at the end of the day, my love still loves me regardless of my issues. So... Who are you to judge? 

This is more open and honest and sexual than my normal posts so... be warned haha.

Tonight, I decided that I had to take Wolfy. It hasn't been long since we've fooled around, even just earlier today he had snuggled up to me and stuck his hand down my pants to play with me while we watched YouTube which was sexy as hell Haha, but... it's been a while since I've had him inside me. 

I had intent of just... being together. Kinda slow, loving, rather vanilla actually Haha. I'm about to go back to work tomorrow so I wanted one more loving moment before I was gone for a good chunk of the day again, before my stress levels skyrocketed again.  

I dont know what it was... But, when I told him to get on the bed, and he went to lay down, he parted his legs just enough to flash me all of him. Member, balls, taint, butt... Just for a second. He, being slightly innocent and shy sometimes, quickly closed his legs again and hid everything from me. One of my biggest turn-ons though, that playful shyness. I dont understand what about that specific, brief view triggered it, but in that moment, staring at my love on display for me, my mind instead went from, "love him" to "devour him". 

I've always thought I had primal urges and I thought I had that mindset once or twice before, but now I'm realizing that wasnt true. For the first time, I didnt think. I didn't worry. I just did. I was. I ate him, bit him, licked him, clawed him, fucked him. He was mine, mine alone, to do whatever I wanted to him, and however I wanted. He made sounds I had never heard before (hes not very vocal to begin with and usually puts on a show because he knows I like it, but something about these sounds was just so... delicious...), sounds that made this new voice in my head appear that told me to mark him, make him mine, claim him. And, I did try. But... I'm so gentle I cant even leave hickies on him because even when I try I'm too gentle >.> Haha. And my knees are bad so I rely too much on my hands to try and claw at him. But, I wanted to  mark him, and leave signs of my claim on him so bad, for the first time of my life. Nothing mattered other than using him and taking him and devouring him. 

And... I think the orgasm I got from everything was one of the best I've ever had. For once in my life, I didnt even think about it. I didn't worry. Because he was mine and i was going to do whatever the hell I wanted to him until I came and that was all that mattered. No thoughts, just action. Instinct. Make him mine. 

And afterward, he seemed so happy. So content. He made sure to tell me that I did everything right. Everything the way he would have wanted the night to go. Which was a big deal to me as usually my self-consciousness and insecurity makes me awkward and I mess up and feel like I didnt do a good job Haha. I've been having to learn a lot lately in my attempts to be more dominant in the bedroom. 

Tonight was just... amazing. And I'm sure not many people are going to care about this Haha, but I'm in such a good mood and so happy about how things went, and already wanting to figure out more about this new mood of mine, that I had to write it all down somewhere. Was a big step for me imo and has me really excited Haha. 

... And now as I recount it, I find myself wanting him again. 

Damn hormones >.>

This is a safe place to share whatever you want, as long as it doesn't actually break laws, I get that. And I definitely don't want to scare people off from sharing what they please. 

But sometimes... You need to think about others. 

Sometimes the things you write, share, create, ect, can be actual fears/worries/trauma for others. If you don't put some sort of warning about the subject of your content... It can really mess people up. 

Yeah, sure, the thing that now has me paranoid and feeling shakey could have been avoided if I realized what the story was about and stopped reading. But sometimes, like a car-wreck, you just... Can't stop. Can't look away. And until they broke the realm of realizm, that's what happened. 

All of this to say... I really wish that some people would realize some things need warnings. Even if you think it's silly, to someone else, it could be really traumatic. If there was a warning, I would've just moved on. 

I'm fine, I'm probably making a bigger deal out of this than I should be, but I really, /really/ didn't need to start my day off this way. So now I'm ranting... Sorry everyone. 

Feel free to just ignore this. Lesson learned and I will be completely avoiding some people's blogs just to try and spare myself. 

I'm so possessive... and I hate it. 

I'm easily jealous... I wish I wasn't. 

I assume things that aren't true... And hurt myself over it. 

I pretend none of this is true... but dreams remind me of this dark mind.

I don't always trust... because I struggle to realize other people's mistakes don't carry on to others. 

I hurt... because it makes me feel better. 

I want to change... it's just so, so hard, and the other side feels so far away. 

Why do I have to be so... broken... sometimes? Why can't I just take advice to heart and stop caring so much about the wrong things? 

I can't control anyone. Their actions aren't controlled by me. If they leave... it's not up to me. I should just have faith, believe in the power of raw, unblemished, true love. For all the kinds of love.

But (sorry for getting religious here), Satan has the power he does for a reason... those terrible sins we must fight every day are strong. He whispers constantly into my ear, things to make me question love. Things to drive me crazy and beat me down. 

I can't let him win... But even with the most powerful allies on my side, the battle against my inner demons is so, so tiring. 

Pride and Wrath... they're the hardest to beat.

These struggles... I want them to be over. I want to move on. 

Why can't I just... love...? And believe in its power completely? 

Damn insecurities...

From this canid family in Germany with love! 

I'm not sure why it seems to be such a big deal that Wolfy and I don't partake in rules and punishments. For us, it just... seems highly unnecessary. He's an adult, he can figure out what is needed without threats of punishment. Not to belittle or make fun of those who do use punishments. It just... feels so unnecessary to us. 

But apparently that makes me a bad Domme, or him an unruly sub. Its /so/ hard for people to understand that we don't use punishments and rules? 

 ... What?

Okay, so... you could argue that we do have rules. Because there/are/ things he cant do, but they're things /I/ cant do, either, as terms of our relationship. No outside partners, no intentional flirting, letting each other know where we're going and when we will be back... And /technically/ there is a punishment if either of us were to break one of these guidelines, because we would have to face the consequences of our actions. But... I don't have /rules/ for him. I don't punish him when he's bad. Hell, I /like/ when he talks back and acts bratty sometimes and has his own opinions and actions. Makes him more human. 

Cause that is what he is... he's human. He is his own person with his own mind and, at the end of the day, I don't /actually/ control him. At any given point he could up and leave or take back his submission and there isn't anything I could /actually/ do about that. But he /chooses/ not to, he chooses to let me lead and to follow my decisions. So in that sense yes, I control him. 

But... to punish him like a child because he didnt make me tea in the morning, or because /I/ decided that he was flirting when /he/ was just being nice? That just... doesn't make sense to me. I'll talk to him about it, find out the truth, and if anything needs to change, then make the change. There's no reason to ban him from chat or something because of a misunderstanding. No reason to make him feel guilty. If he actually did something wrong, his "punushment" is living with the consequences. Why make it worse? 

I don't care if others think rules and punishments are necessary. Whatever works for you! That's the great thing about this lifestyle, everyone lives it differently and it's beautiful in all styles. 

I just don't understand why my relationship needs judgement because we don't do one minor part of it. It wouldn't work for us. We couldn't take it seriously. So leave it be. I don't judge you, don't judge me. 

I'm just... tired of my way of dominatuon being judged. I already worry because I'm so new and still have so much to learn... I don't need people trying to make me feel worse because I don't "conform". 

Actually had to do some aftercare today... but, when its aftercare for a woof, it must involve another woof. 

(This was after he was cared for, so luckily she didnt mess up his needs haha) 

Silly Mädchen, wanting to help momma take care of daddy. 

I probably shouldn't be writing right now but... I'm too emotional to not rant, and unable to vent anywhere else at the moment. 

I messed up tonight. Like I mess up all the time. I don't know why I cant ever seem to talk right... why I always say the wrong things, I turn conversation to myself and my own needs, I hurt instead of help... 

I begged him to tell me what was on his mind... I wanted so bad to know. And I felt I could help, ease his mind, for so much of what he was saying. But hearing that I was doing things I did that he was struggling with,  things I did that forced him to have to question what he was doing... I took to the defensive... I started breaking down instead of building up... when there was no accusation, no attack, no intent of hurt... 

I'm so insecure and I have so many issues with myself and I second guess so much that I twisted what I heard. And now instead of supporting something that was so hard to be brought up in the first place... I started to destroy. All because of insecurity. 

I hate this... 

I shouldn't be jealous... I should be loving, supportive, encouraging. I shouldn't ignore needs, I should fulfill them. I shouldn't take offence... I should understand and assist. 

Tonight, I was a terrible person. A terrible lover. A terrible wife. A terrible Dominant. And I do this all the time. 

I had questions and concerns I wanted to address, brought up by the things in my love's mind, but him opening up was /not/ the right time to vent myself... I should have stored it away, taken care of and reassured him, and then tried to take care of myself, probably in the morning or a later date so as to not step on toes. 

But no. I stole his time. Made him vulnerable and then stomped on him... intent or not, I was so, so very wrong. 

Why is it /so/ hard for me to simply let him talk? Why do I struggle so much with knowing when it's the right time to help, and when it's the right time to shut the fuck up and listen, be supportive? Why do I/always/ fuck this up? 

Why do I always hurt the one I love most? 

Why do I keep stomping on him? 

Why cant I just get things right? 

I feel like such a terrible person right now... and having to try to sleep on these thoughts is nearly impossible. All day today I've been fucking up. It's been one big day of self-doubt and self-pity. I want to blame hormones, blame the fact that it's a bad time of the month for me and say that's the reason for my emotional state. And it might be an aid to my instability. But... I cant place all the blame on being a woman. That's not how this works. 

I'm so sorry, my love, for hurting you how I did... I hurt you on levels I've never touched before and your reactions made me feel so bad my desire to fix got worse... but when I try to fix, I seem to just... destroy. 

I should have dropped it sooner, or apologized and tried to backtrack a little to save the night before I got too far. Why do I have such trouble with seeing myself losing control? 

I bottle so much up... that I cant release it in small doses... you pop the cork and I just... explode. 

Its not healthy... and I'm sorry that I keep subjecting you to this. 

Maybe I... need help... but help is so expensive and so few people understand our kind of love, I'm so afraid of people judging you or trying to say /you/ are what's wrong. 

And after my past with "help"... I dont trust people who are "qualified". So I dont know how helpful that would really be... 

I cant keep doing this to you... I need to figure something out... because what I'm doing isnt healthy, for either of us. 

I dont know why I'm so bad at this... 5 years and I feel like im still so far away from decent communication...