Greetings, stay awhile and listen. This is one of the new style I am trying out. A daily blog of random thoughts, feelings, events of the day, and anything that comes to mind. Going to see how this works out and if this outlet will help me purge some negative feelings so I can grow and evolve. So here goes something:
Recently, I experienced something I haven't since my days in the Army, a panic attack to include the tears, racing heartbeat, cold sweat, and blurred vision. Oh and this started while I was driving 80 mph through Tennessee on the way to a job interview. Yeah, fun place to have that I know. Thank god there was a rest area 1 mile from the starting point so I was able to pull off the road before hurting myself or someone else. The cause of this was the fear of leaving a place I knew my whole life for someplace I did not know very well. I ended up turning around and coming back home feeling defeated, weak, and hurt that I couldn't keep my word to the people that offered me this new job. After taking two days to reflect and well frankly calm down, I realized something, I didn't have a panic attack over changing jobs or even driving 17 hours one way to the interview. I had the attack because I couldn't let go. If you have seen my previous post with the music video, it will start to make sense why I chose that song now.
Letting go of your comfort zone is the hardest thing for anyone to do. Letting someone into your comfort zone is equally hard to do. I was trying to do all that at once without reassurances. And as I sit here trying to find the words to put to this screen, I now understand that I was wrong by turning around and running away from my fear. I allowed weakness to overcome something I was all for as a younger person. I am a drifter, wanderer by nature. I joined the Army to see the world but only saw GA and sand. I allowed the rules of society to hold me back and keep me in the place I was born instead of taking the risk to see a different view. For that, I want to apologize to anyone and everyone that has read my previous blogs. Some of you will say that I do not need to apologize and some will accept it, but this is something I must do.
So where do I go from here and the answer is quite simple. The interview has been rescheduled and I have steeled my resolve. Good, bad or indifferent this is the moment of change. This is the tipping point that I need to set out to learn more. I do not know everything nor will I claim to be great. I can only evolve and keep learning every day as they come. This is the message I want to put out there, do allow fear to hold you back. You might fail but without knowing you have already lost. I know my original reason for the move were not the right reasons and I am OK with that now. Those reasons are still a driving force behind me wanting to move but now I have a new purpose. I need to conquer this fear, just like I did the first time sky diving, mountain climbing, surfing, and snowboarding.
So this is my open letter to anyone and everyone that recent events showed me that I lost a part of me by growing older. The part of me that was fearless against the unknown. Unflinching in the face of the uncertain. That part of me has returned. I was born and raised a hunter. I lost those instincts till now. I am excited for the thrill of adventure, the adrenaline of exploration. It is time I start taking my advice and start living my life. I take what I want and claim what is mine(happiness in myself). I am a southern gentleman but also a southern redneck. An Army grunt but a compassionate human being. This is my vow to myself to never forget who I am and never allow moments slip away. I may not have the perfect life but it will be filled with people that want to stand by my side. People who will give everything to me as I give everything to them(do not mean sexual in case your wondering).
First step of solving a problem is admitting there is a problem. I had a problem with anxiety now I have a thirst for the horizon.
Thank you everyone who made it this far in the blog. I know I jumped around a bit and might have rambled on in places. These daily blogs will be like this. Just random thoughts given form. I will be posting educational blogs once a week from here on out. I will try to post music video blogs twice to three times a week as music is the form of expression I am comfortable with. Not sure the timetable on this daily blogs as I lead a time consuming life but I will do my best to post them daily. As always thank you for the support, everyone is awesome and it feels good to be back in the community. Stay safe and stay happy.