If anyone has questions about petplay / kitten play or bdsm history, all my previous blogs have tags now for easier navigation!
I also have love letters to sadists and other various categories!
Enjoy!
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Getting therapy twice a week for anxiety, depression, cptsd
Getting meds for my mental health issues
Treated like a person who's real and actually matters
Just got a job secured
Start that in a couple days
Weekend shifts but roughly 865$ a month
I can fix things slowly with that
Got health insurance coverage
All the things I needed to fix, are actually getting fixed here... And no one thinks I'm stupid, no one is screaming at me, no one is demanding I work from home, no one is demanding money that doesn't belong to them, no one is snooping my bank account, no one is saying give me money or out you go
People ask how I'm doing
People ask if I tried this job and that
People ask me what I wanna have a career in
People ask me what makes me happy
People ask me what motivates me
People ask me if we can color stuff together or hang out and walk to the dollar store up the road
People treat me like a person
Something my family and ex boyfriend never did or completely failed to continue to do
It's sad but running to a shelter was the best decision I've ever made..
It's helping put my life back together..
In real lasting ways.
Just wanted to let everyone know I made it safely to a shelter so I'll be okay
I don't know what is with this year - first my ex nearly makes me homeless then I think I find stable ground moving back in with my family only for all 3 of them to nearly throw me on the streets twice in a week
My brother has been spiraling for several weeks now but claims it isn't his fault and is some how my fault when we barely interact and all I do on a regular basis is sleep, apply for jobs, go back to sleep and try to set up interviews
He also tried to gaslight me into telling me that my bleeding issues aren't real when it's been documented medical history since I was 18
I admit that yes, I got upset on two different occasions in 7 months and that was it, and it was only between me and my mom and we already talked stuff out and worked things out and moved on
But for some reason my brothers took that as a major war crime and constantly use it against me like I'm not allowed to be human, feel things, make mistakes and work on junk
But then Mom said something unforgivable and said I was just as bad as my racist neo nazi psychopathic dad
... I tried asking for specifics but no one could list anything outside "oh you sleep a lot and should help with dishes more"
... I sleep cause the fatigue issues from anemia, this isn't a new thing, I've had it since I was 18
Then I tried asking what was a positive they have with me living here and they also couldn't list anything outside "we like playing board games with you"
... Is that really how little I mean to these people?
I know my family is a mess, but I thought one of them maybe still had humanity left
But seeing as that isn't the case and I had to call the cops on my brother for screaming at our mom
I can't live here anymore
I have no where else to go and I feel like the shelter is my only option
I'm in the East Peoria area of Illinois if anyone would like to adopt a kitty, I'm still good with manners, chores and other junk despite my family exhausting my soul
And no I'm nothing like my dad, I actively try my hardest to be everything he never wanted me to be like inclusive and multitheistic and kind to others????
I'm a better person because I genuinely hate his guts and never want to be like him
I wrote something for my ex for therapy sake
It's mostly just venting and clearing the cobwebs
--------
I believed in you
-
Because for the first time, I thought you were my plan A, I thought I could trust you, I thought we would have children, I thought we would grow old together, the part of me that loved you, she loved you with her entire heart, but you never cared from the start, I'm still grieving the future lost, the belongings, the emotional and psychological trauma, the me who you almost made homeless and left for dead
Did those nights I held you when you cried mean nothing?
Did I also mean nothing?
Did those dates mean nothing?
Of course not, why would they
It's silly to trust the person you love and see a future with right?
I guess I was silly then
For trusting someone to be a father to children, go grow old with someone by my side who I thought was my best friend
I know you don't care
You never did
You were so convinced I would hate you
I tried my hardest to hate you
But it never lasted because that hopeless romantic still cared about you
But now?
I don't hate you
But you're dead to me
I only feel that way about 3 people
It's not hate
It's an emptiness where the romance used to be
Like a wilted dried out rose, it's just dead now
But you probably don't care about that either
You're a piece of shit narcissist who nearly stole my future and life from me
I nearly went bye bye at the end of everything...
But you wouldn't care
You'd probably blame me for it
Or you'd play the victim and say how you're the worst person ever
Ya well
Maybe you are
I always said you weren't but you frankly rivaled my psychopath of a dad so no. You are the worst piece of shit I've ever had the displeasure of knowing
You dismantled my sanity, my ability to make friends and new relationships
You were never a Prince
You were never a Master
You were never a good person
You were and are a piece of shit
It's been about 130 days since everything fell apart and I still have 7 to 10 years of extensive therapy I'll need to undo all the damage that you did
Thanks asshole
Cause I totally wanted to be psychologically struggling in my 40s
I believed in you
I believed in our future
I believed in the happiest I was trying to create
But you never did
And now that girl that loved you? You're dead to her and it's never going to change
Because once someone is dead to me
It's a permanent mental lock
But you don't care
You'll never realize who you lost
You'll just continue to use and hurt those who love you
What a pathetic existence you decided to live
You don't get my empathy, sympathy or pity, you get nothing but my silence
So how am I doing now?
Ahahaha - terrible
Trauma is dumb, abuse is even dumber, ptsd is even worse..
It's been 80 days since everything happened yet it still only feels like it's been a week?
Oddly enough, found a lot of new singers writing songs about shitty ex's, I guess the universe doesn't want me feeling alone..
But why are all of us hurting? Why can't we just be happy?
Why do monsters, narcissists, psychos and others have to claw at our hope, love and kindness?
We only have so much...
It would run out eventually wouldn't it?
Some say I'm strong cause I survived, but I still feel broken
Others say I'm strong for crying, but I still feel weak and embarrassed and like an idiot..
Others say don't blame yourself, you did your best with what you had - but did I? I don't know... I'm probably being too hyper critical...
I've had 4 nightmares so far
1 violent panic attack in the middle of my sleep
So many nights I couldn't sleep and just stared at the ceiling or doom scrolling apps or just staring at the backs of my eyelids..
Insomnia is here to stay I guess
I didn't notice when it walked in but it's a resident now..
I think it's been two weeks since I've slept normal?
Even writing this, I've been awake since noon yesterday?..
I probably have anger at the situation somewhere but I just feel so exhausted and sad and tired...
I don't even have the energy to be angry..
I can call them bad people, I can call them names but I'm still crying trying to find all the pieces of my heart... They got scattered so far away in the dark... I'm still not even sure if I can find them all.. They were already scattered, then this mess just made everything worse.. I'm so tired..
I'm tired of being sad, of being lied to, of being abused, of being a physical or emotional punching bag for people..
I just want friends
I just want romance and love
I just want peace
I just want to sleep without crying into my pillow..
I know monsters target the soft ones on purpose but I'm too soft for this shit.
I'm not okay
I hate them so goddamn much
They fucked me up so bad that I'm going to need so much goddamn therapy and medication..
I hate them.
But I'm still crying even saying that..
I'm just so tired... Of crying... Of being hurt.. I just want peace... I want so badly to sleep without crying and shaking in fear..
Maybe I'll find it one day..
Hey guys, so some of you might be wondering what on earth happened after my last post explaining that I was basically abandoned in an apartment
Well it turned into a deeply traumatic experience (which I've already had several, this was entirely unnecessary and my ex is the worst pos I will ever have the displeasure of knowing)
I was left starving in that apartment for 6 weeks, I had barely access to rice, beans, cans of tuna and hot dogs, the starvation was enough that now eating regular food is physically difficult and it takes me a really long time to finish eating as well as I had to be very careful with eating too much too fast and have had to be careful for weeks while I try to recover
So why did I stay in the apartment? Well I tried to handle the situation, be an adult, get a job, visit food pantries, I tried a lot of things but it wasn't working, the food pantries weren't open, the churches kept pushing back their food drive days and I was turned down from 25 different jobs
I came very close to giving up on life but for a last ditch effort, I called my mom, she drove 16 hours with my brother and they got me immediately the next day
First week was sleeping on an air mattress but I now at least have a bedroom to myself with a proper bed and desk and what not
So I am safe - my brothers are awkward around me as we haven't seen each other for 10+ years and were mostly no contact but ever since I got here, they've been worried about me and making sure I am okay (which is confusing considering our past drama / trauma but hey I'll take it)
What now?
Well I'm still recovering emotionally, physically and psychologically, but it's a bit annoying cause the entire shit show with my ex made me wanna completely give up on the bdsm community cause our relationship started out that way (there's definitely a story there about the dangers of Dom's vs abusers somewhere but I'll write that article later when my mind isn't fucky)
What I actually did - I trashed my 10 year collection of bdsm gear, outfits and supplies because it felt tainted and traumatizing to hold onto (especially since I got a majority of that stuff for him)
I kept some favorite things but that's about it, at the end of the day, it's just stuff and given most was already several years old, a new collection was already long over do, so that'll be a fresh start down the road
Relationship and romance - my brain wants to give up on society and go live on a farm, but since that's not exactly healthy or productive, I'm more putting a pause on things for quite a while, I want to be a healthy partner to people but I can't be that if I'm traumatized, in the middle of an identity crisis and going to take years to recover emotionally and psychologically.
So what will I do? I'll still try to take care of myself, it's been about 25 days since I left the apartment, so it's still fresh and a mess mentally speaking, but I'll keep trying to eat, hydrate, bathe, yadda yadda, I live in a new state now so I gotta fuss with setting up doctors and everything once I'm a little more mentally sound, but I just wanted to say hey, I'm okay, (not really) and I'm alive so at least there's that.
So due to my ex being a bigger pos than I imagined, I had to completely move and restart my life.
After several job interviews going no where, I said f it and called my mom, she immediately came to get me so I moved 2 states away from my ex and I'm at least in a cozy house with access to regular groceries
Why my ex is a scum bag - through turning in my keys to the apartment people, we learned he had an entire plan to make me homeless, something I knew nothing about.
He was getting into drinking and hiding stuff from people so I don't fully know what happened to him but I frankly don't care, no one deserves to be homeless, so to know the guy I wasted 7 years on was perfectly okay doing that to me, f him.
A lot of me is traumatized and going to take a long time to recover and heal let alone trust someone again
A lot of me wants to become cynical, hateful and give up on the concept of romance and people as a whole
But I don't wanna give that pos the satisfaction of breaking me
He's done enough damage, I'm not losing my soul over this
I'm still heart broken and devastated by everything but then I got angry looking at my bank statements and how over the years, he only gave me 3 grand after begging for gas money for work or groceries, meanwhile i had sent him 12 grand over the years on top of buying all the furniture for the apartment because I thought he was someone worth loving. But no, he's just a lost sad pos who's now sleeping on his mom's couch and lost everything, including me.
I have no idea how to start my life over from scratch, I almost don't even want to be a kitten again because that side of me is so emotionally exhausted
But I moved to a state that's lgbtq friendly / kink friendly, they have so much visibility here and it's helped me feel safer seeing all the flags everywhere.
So screw the past, I'll make the best of this new chapter of my life even though I'm terrified of a lot.
I just lost my 2 room mates and suddenly have to figure everything out on my own
Reasons this is a horrific traumatic experience
Room mate 1 was my ex, my safe space and someone who was well aware of my ptsd, panic disorders and adhd
We had been fighting for about 3 weeks but then everything hit a boiling point when he broke my frying pan and me and room mate 2 told his family all the drama and agreed it was best to try and seperate everyone so everyone could calm down
My accountability - I wasn't usually the one starting fights, a lot was happening because my ex had behavioral issues and refused to go to therapy, refused meds and anything else, he was basically hell bent on his own self destruction, I tried to help him a lot of times but it never got through to him, he views people trying to help him as "people trying to punish him" so it was a losing battle and we ended up breaking up last year because of it. The reason we fought recently is he basically told me out of the blue he was already planning on moving out and ditching me cause he wasn't even planning on telling me anything. He was also out late drinking with co workers for several hours past when he should have been home so of course we kept getting worried, then there was a mess where he left for 2 days and we had no idea what he was doing and didn't tell us either, he was also extremely inconsiderate about my anxiety disorder and the constant crying I had from being told I have to figure out somewhere new to live by Christmas
Drama with room mate 2 - he was arrested, I'm honestly not sure why, the cops couldn't tell me much but it seems like he's going away for a long while
I called my ex to try and figure stuff out with him, but he said he probably wasn't coming back and was probably done living with me entirely
So now I'm just on my own with maybe 3 weeks worth of food
I'm still struggling daily trying to find a job and don't totally know how to handle everything emotionally when I've been shaking and crying so much from anxiety I fainted twice yesterday
I don't share this out of pity but as a way to keep track of my own records and events and facts of the situation as best as I know them.
Any advice would of course be appreciated but honestly even just a "hey that sucks" would at least help me feel emotionally validated
All the drama with my ex prior is also why I haven't made any articles lately, I was so mentally stressed out I couldn't focus on writing anything
Additional note, I almost moved out last year on my own but then I got sick with a lung injury and couldn't do anything because I ended up bed ridden for several months
I admit my self care tanked majorly at the moment given the trauma I'm currently dealing but that can be fixed with time so that's such a smaller issue at the moment
(to the Dom's / sadists about to grill me about the importance of self care especially during trauma, shh, I know, gimmie some time lol)
I just needed to vent and try to track my own life events somehow.
What can I say, I'll always be bias, but I have a little gift for you darlings
Since so many of you have a never ending craving for psychology, understanding and so on, I figured it might be fun to share some things from the perspective of a masochist.
Now firstly I should explain, that I'm not the most masochistic out there, extreme masochists tend to confuse me but even they share similar things I've felt or thought or could understand in my own ways.
And additionally, this is just sorta a collection of various things I've researched over the years or figure out on my own just from talking to fellow masochists.
But one thing I always find is that no, you're not a terrible person just cause you wanna hurt someone for fun time
In fact, we use the beautiful pain you give us as therapy, it's as much therapy for us as it is you.
Many Sadists and masochists I found suffer from extreme abuse, anxiety / panic disorders, neurodivergent things and lots of PTSD or C-PTSD - For whatever reason, pain connects us both and is in our own ways, a form of therapy for us both
Now some studies believe it's because it gives us a sense of control over our pain in a time where maybe we didn't have that, it also helps many with their anger issues and actually helps teach people a deeper sense and understanding of empathy
Other studies have found that reliving painful situations with a level of control and awareness can help someone overcome traumas
This is probably found most in the hypnosis community, the extra lovely Sadists who specialize in getting comfortable in your head and fixing whatever they can and throwing out trash and helping you cope mentally and emotionally, they work a very hard and tiring job but I'm greatful for them as well as I myself have had a couple and those people genuinely helped me stop having nightmares or overreactions to triggering stimuli
Now this doesn't mean professional mental health doctors aren't still worth their stuff
But for many in the scene, I've learned a lot of standard therapy doesn't really work for people who have been through incredibly terrible things but Sadists come in to fill that gap and responsibility a lot of the time
Now I will say always try typical medicine and therapy first before experimental avenues but know that it isn't always dangerous or even a big deal dipping your toes into "alternative medicine" sometimes it really does wonders for people
I've personally known a handful of people who tried tons of therapy and medicine for years only for it to barely scratch the surface or do absolutely nothing but then they paired up with a Sadist who knew what they were doing and they researched their specific issues for weeks and helped them majorly more than any doctor did, and I think that's just amazing.
Because a thing I hear a lot "a therapist and psychologist and so on will go home after their session and forget about you, you only exist in that one hour they see you during the week"
A sadist is a dedicated person willing to research whatever it takes to help you through trial and error because they genuinely just want to see you safe and happy, they genuinely devote themselves to their submissives and it's honestly precious when they go above and beyond for someone else just to make them be okay and a functioning member of society
But I also think you sweethearts should be treated a lot better than you are, the media and misinformed areas always call you terrible things, words like "monster" and "demon" fly around so much that so many of you use it as a meme of sorts just cause you're tired of hearing it
But you're not a monster, you never were, a monster wouldn't spend several days and nights with no sleep researching the intricacies of a mental disorder just to help someone, a monster wouldn't be strict about manners, etiquette and how someone carries themselves, a monster wouldn't lecture you for hours about why punching someone is a bad thing, a monster wouldn't make you write hand written apologies to someone you wronged unfairly.
You've never been a monster, so many of you are convinced you are just cause you have anger issues or a sadist streak or empathy issues
You're not a monster, you're someone traumatized just like the rest of us
Everyone has issues and I don't think it makes any sense at all that you're so unfairly villainized like all the time.
You've been nothing but a hero to me and thousands of others for years, millions if you wanna get technical about the history of our shared existence
I'm proud to be a masochist and I'm greatful for your existence as well.
It's because of people like you I found my empathy, my faith in humanity, my happiness and myself as a person, the constant encouragement, the constant training to be a better person, the constant safety you provide, all of it is what helped shape me into who I am today, and while I'm not perfect, I love myself a lot more than I did before I met the lovely Sadists in my life.
So ya, Merry Christmas hehe ??