Kitten's Enthsiastic Articles

So how am I doing now? 

Ahahaha - terrible

Trauma is dumb, abuse is even dumber, ptsd is even worse.. 

It's been 80 days since everything happened yet it still only feels like it's been a week? 

Oddly enough, found a lot of new singers writing songs about shitty ex's, I guess the universe doesn't want me feeling alone.. 

But why are all of us hurting? Why can't we just be happy? 

Why do monsters, narcissists, psychos and others have to claw at our hope, love and kindness? 

We only have so much... 

It would run out eventually wouldn't it? 

Some say I'm strong cause I survived, but I still feel broken

Others say I'm strong for crying, but I still feel weak and embarrassed and like an idiot.. 

Others say don't blame yourself, you did your best with what you had - but did I? I don't know... I'm probably being too hyper critical... 

I've had 4 nightmares so far

1 violent panic attack in the middle of my sleep

So many nights I couldn't sleep and just stared at the ceiling or doom scrolling apps or just staring at the backs of my eyelids.. 

Insomnia is here to stay I guess

I didn't notice when it walked in but it's a resident now.. 

I think it's been two weeks since I've slept normal? 

Even writing this, I've been awake since noon yesterday?.. 

I probably have anger at the situation somewhere but I just feel so exhausted and sad and tired... 

I don't even have the energy to be angry.. 

I can call them bad people, I can call them names but I'm still crying trying to find all the pieces of my heart... They got scattered so far away in the dark... I'm still not even sure if I can find them all.. They were already scattered, then this mess just made everything worse.. I'm so tired.. 

I'm tired of being sad, of being lied to, of being abused, of being a physical or emotional punching bag for people.. 

I just want friends

I just want romance and love

I just want peace

I just want to sleep without crying into my pillow.. 

I know monsters target the soft ones on purpose but I'm too soft for this shit. 

I'm not okay

I hate them so goddamn much

They fucked me up so bad that I'm going to need so much goddamn therapy and medication.. 

I hate them. 

But I'm still crying even saying that.. 

I'm just so tired... Of crying... Of being hurt.. I just want peace... I want so badly to sleep without crying and shaking in fear.. 

Maybe I'll find it one day.. 

Hey guys, so some of you might be wondering what on earth happened after my last post explaining that I was basically abandoned in an apartment

Well it turned into a deeply traumatic experience (which I've already had several, this was entirely unnecessary and my ex is the worst pos I will ever have the displeasure of knowing) 

I was left starving in that apartment for 6 weeks, I had barely access to rice, beans, cans of tuna and hot dogs, the starvation was enough that now eating regular food is physically difficult and it takes me a really long time to finish eating as well as I had to be very careful with eating too much too fast and have had to be careful for weeks while I try to recover

So why did I stay in the apartment? Well I tried to handle the situation, be an adult, get a job, visit food pantries, I tried a lot of things but it wasn't working, the food pantries weren't open, the churches kept pushing back their food drive days and I was turned down from 25 different jobs 

I came very close to giving up on life but for a last ditch effort, I called my mom, she drove 16 hours with my brother and they got me immediately the next day

First week was sleeping on an air mattress but I now at least have a bedroom to myself with a proper bed and desk and what not

So I am safe - my brothers are awkward around me as we haven't seen each other for 10+ years and were mostly no contact but ever since I got here, they've been worried about me and making sure I am okay (which is confusing considering our past drama / trauma but hey I'll take it) 

What now? 

Well I'm still recovering emotionally, physically and psychologically, but it's a bit annoying cause the entire shit show with my ex made me wanna completely give up on the bdsm community cause our relationship started out that way (there's definitely a story there about the dangers of Dom's vs abusers somewhere but I'll write that article later when my mind isn't fucky) 

What I actually did - I trashed my 10 year collection of bdsm gear, outfits and supplies because it felt tainted and traumatizing to hold onto (especially since I got a majority of that stuff for him) 

 I kept some favorite things but that's about it, at the end of the day, it's just stuff and given most was already several years old, a new collection was already long over do, so that'll be a fresh start down the road

Relationship and romance - my brain wants to give up on society and go live on a farm, but since that's not exactly healthy or productive, I'm more putting a pause on things for quite a while, I want to be a healthy partner to people but I can't be that if I'm traumatized, in the middle of an identity crisis and going to take years to recover emotionally and psychologically. 

So what will I do? I'll still try to take care of myself, it's been about 25 days since I left the apartment, so it's still fresh and a mess mentally speaking, but I'll keep trying to eat, hydrate, bathe, yadda yadda, I live in a new state now so I gotta fuss with setting up doctors and everything once I'm a little more mentally sound, but I just wanted to say hey, I'm okay, (not really) and I'm alive so at least there's that. 

So due to my ex being a bigger pos than I imagined, I had to completely move and restart my life. 

After several job interviews going no where, I said f it and called my mom, she immediately came to get me so I moved 2 states away from my ex and I'm at least in a cozy house with access to regular groceries

Why my ex is a scum bag - through turning in my keys to the apartment people, we learned he had an entire plan to make me homeless, something I knew nothing about. 

He was getting into drinking and hiding stuff from people so I don't fully know what happened to him but I frankly don't care, no one deserves to be homeless, so to know the guy I wasted 7 years on was perfectly okay doing that to me, f him. 

A lot of me is traumatized and going to take a long time to recover and heal let alone trust someone again

A lot of me wants to become cynical, hateful and give up on the concept of romance and people as a whole

But I don't wanna give that pos the satisfaction of breaking me

He's done enough damage, I'm not losing my soul over this

I'm still heart broken and devastated by everything but then I got angry looking at my bank statements and how over the years, he only gave me 3 grand after begging for gas money for work or groceries, meanwhile i had sent him 12 grand over the years on top of buying all the furniture for the apartment because I thought he was someone worth loving. But no, he's just a lost sad pos who's now sleeping on his mom's couch and lost everything, including me. 

I have no idea how to start my life over from scratch, I almost don't even want to be a kitten again because that side of me is so emotionally exhausted

But I moved to a state that's lgbtq friendly / kink friendly, they have so much visibility here and it's helped me feel safer seeing all the flags everywhere. 

So screw the past, I'll make the best of this new chapter of my life even though I'm terrified of a lot. 

I just lost my 2 room mates and suddenly have to figure everything out on my own 

Reasons this is a horrific traumatic experience

Room mate 1 was my ex, my safe space and someone who was well aware of my ptsd, panic disorders and adhd

We had been fighting for about 3 weeks but then everything hit a boiling point when he broke my frying pan and me and room mate 2 told his family all the drama and agreed it was best to try and seperate everyone so everyone could calm down

My accountability - I wasn't usually the one starting fights, a lot was happening because my ex had behavioral issues and refused to go to therapy, refused meds and anything else, he was basically hell bent on his own self destruction, I tried to help him a lot of times but it never got through to him, he views people trying to help him as "people trying to punish him" so it was a losing battle and we ended up breaking up last year because of it. The reason we fought recently is he basically told me out of the blue he was already planning on moving out and ditching me cause he wasn't even planning on telling me anything. He was also out late drinking with co workers for several hours past when he should have been home so of course we kept getting worried, then there was a mess where he left for 2 days and we had no idea what he was doing and didn't tell us either, he was also extremely inconsiderate about my anxiety disorder and the constant crying I had from being told I have to figure out somewhere new to live by Christmas

Drama with room mate 2 - he was arrested, I'm honestly not sure why, the cops couldn't tell me much but it seems like he's going away for a long while

I called my ex to try and figure stuff out with him, but he said he probably wasn't coming back and was probably done living with me entirely

So now I'm just on my own with maybe 3 weeks worth of food

I'm still struggling daily trying to find a job and don't totally know how to handle everything emotionally when I've been shaking and crying so much from anxiety I fainted twice yesterday

I don't share this out of pity but as a way to keep track of my own records and events and facts of the situation as best as I know them. 

Any advice would of course be appreciated but honestly even just a "hey that sucks" would at least help me feel emotionally validated

All the drama with my ex prior is also why I haven't made any articles lately, I was so mentally stressed out I couldn't focus on writing anything

Additional note, I almost moved out last year on my own but then I got sick with a lung injury and couldn't do anything because I ended up bed ridden for several months

I admit my self care tanked majorly at the moment given the trauma I'm currently dealing but that can be fixed with time so that's such a smaller issue at the moment

(to the Dom's / sadists about to grill me about the importance of self care especially during trauma, shh, I know, gimmie some time lol) 

I just needed to vent and try to track my own life events somehow. 

What can I say, I'll always be bias, but I have a little gift for you darlings

Since so many of you have a never ending craving for psychology, understanding and so on, I figured it might be fun to share some things from the perspective of a masochist. 

Now firstly I should explain, that I'm not the most masochistic out there, extreme masochists tend to confuse me but even they share similar things I've felt or thought or could understand in my own ways. 

And additionally, this is just sorta a collection of various things I've researched over the years or figure out on my own just from talking to fellow masochists. 

But one thing I always find is that no, you're not a terrible person just cause you wanna hurt someone for fun time

In fact, we use the beautiful pain you give us as therapy, it's as much therapy for us as it is you. 

Many Sadists and masochists I found suffer from extreme abuse, anxiety / panic disorders, neurodivergent things and lots of PTSD or C-PTSD - For whatever reason, pain connects us both and is in our own ways, a form of therapy for us both

Now some studies believe it's because it gives us a sense of control over our pain in a time where maybe we didn't have that, it also helps many with their anger issues and actually helps teach people a deeper sense and understanding of empathy

Other studies have found that reliving painful situations with a level of control and awareness can help someone overcome traumas

This is probably found most in the hypnosis community, the extra lovely Sadists who specialize in getting comfortable in your head and fixing whatever they can and throwing out trash and helping you cope mentally and emotionally, they work a very hard and tiring job but I'm greatful for them as well as I myself have had a couple and those people genuinely helped me stop having nightmares or overreactions to triggering stimuli

Now this doesn't mean professional mental health doctors aren't still worth their stuff

But for many in the scene, I've learned a lot of standard therapy doesn't really work for people who have been through incredibly terrible things but Sadists come in to fill that gap and responsibility a lot of the time

Now I will say always try typical medicine and therapy first before experimental avenues but know that it isn't always dangerous or even a big deal dipping your toes into "alternative medicine" sometimes it really does wonders for people

I've personally known a handful of people who tried tons of therapy and medicine for years only for it to barely scratch the surface or do absolutely nothing but then they paired up with a Sadist who knew what they were doing and they researched their specific issues for weeks and helped them majorly more than any doctor did, and I think that's just amazing. 

Because a thing I hear a lot "a therapist and psychologist and so on will go home after their session and forget about you, you only exist in that one hour they see you during the week"

A sadist is a dedicated person willing to research whatever it takes to help you through trial and error because they genuinely just want to see you safe and happy, they genuinely devote themselves to their submissives and it's honestly precious when they go above and beyond for someone else just to make them be okay and a functioning member of society

But I also think you sweethearts should be treated a lot better than you are, the media and misinformed areas always call you terrible things, words like "monster" and "demon" fly around so much that so many of you use it as a meme of sorts just cause you're tired of hearing it

But you're not a monster, you never were, a monster wouldn't spend several days and nights with no sleep researching the intricacies of a mental disorder just to help someone, a monster wouldn't be strict about manners, etiquette and how someone carries themselves, a monster wouldn't lecture you for hours about why punching someone is a bad thing, a monster wouldn't make you write hand written apologies to someone you wronged unfairly. 

You've never been a monster, so many of you are convinced you are just cause you have anger issues or a sadist streak or empathy issues

You're not a monster, you're someone traumatized just like the rest of us

Everyone has issues and I don't think it makes any sense at all that you're so unfairly villainized like all the time. 

You've been nothing but a hero to me and thousands of others for years, millions if you wanna get technical about the history of our shared existence

I'm proud to be a masochist and I'm greatful for your existence as well. 

It's because of people like you I found my empathy, my faith in humanity, my happiness and myself as a person, the constant encouragement, the constant training to be a better person, the constant safety you provide, all of it is what helped shape me into who I am today, and while I'm not perfect, I love myself a lot more than I did before I met the lovely Sadists in my life. 

So ya, Merry Christmas hehe ??

... Which is what, half of you guys? If not more? I know a majority of you guys are very shy introverts but anyway

Hi sweeties, how are you doing? I haven't really asked you darlings, you're always so fussy about asking others how they are, well, how are you? How's your diet? How's your mental health? How are you handling holiday stress, etc

I'm happy to listen to you cuties whine if you need to, but I also hope you've been okay, you're always so preoccupied with tens of thousands of things, please make sure at least one or two are about yourself, okay hunny? ??

I guess I was missed a bit, it's cute knowing how much people genuinely care on this site, I guess people noticed when I disappeared for a minute. (To the sadist community at large, hi sweetie, I'm okay, pls chill, y'all are too damn adorable istfg) 

What was I up to you're probably wondering, honestly not much, tried getting a new job, that was a shit show in less than 9 days so looking for a new job again (at least I was only there like a week so no biggie) 

How is my mental health? Surprisingly, a lot better than this time last year, I think it's cause I got sick (pesky virus played tag you're it and been sick for about 8 days now) 

(And yes I was a good girl™ and stayed home while sick and did my best to take care of myself and yes I tried my best with eating healthy and drinking water, don't y'all start lmao) 

Still fighting the dumb virus but just kinda chilling at home and resting off and on, was debating what to write in the future (I admit I got sorta shy cause everyone was nice to me on here and I got shy lmao) 

But ya, figured a little update was probably needed since I could tell several have been lurking or wanting to check on me (none of you dorks are subtle god, but it's so goddamn adorable)

The sadist community - "fear us cause we're evil and smart and blah blah psychology nerds blah blah"

Also the sadist community "sweetie are you okay ??? We love you ?" 

Like I can't get over how cute you dorks are. 

(You idiots made me blush so I totally reserve the right to do it right back haha) 

But really, thank you to everyone who's been checking on me or was worried, I'm okay, mostly, minus the head cold and slight work drama but I'm a tough kitty! I'll be okay! We got 9 lives for a reason!! ??

That might sound blunt and demanding, but after the morning I had today, I am left utterly bewildered and confused

Two friends who are extremely deserving of gifts and nice things told me they either never get gifts or rarely get gifts, I was baffled and so utterly confused when to me, it's perfect logic and totally deserved as they're good people who absolutely deserved the Christmas gifts I gave them today

My heart honestly broke for them both when they both said the same things.. 

I don't understand.. 

I know people can be terrible but goddamn

Please, if you have someone in your life who is deserving of gifts, get them something, it doesn't even have to be something big, even the smallest gift can mean the world to someone

Is someone in your life ignored? Over looked? Taken for granted? Treated badly? Be kind this holiday season, it's still important and still needed. 

I'm still in shock that my friends aren't regularly appreciated in their lives

Don't let yours go unappreciated either. 

Just felt sentimental and like leaving them a bread crumb in case they ever see this or wanna say hi again some day

Sir Cammy : Hello Sir, I gotta admit, I didn't... Exactly stay the proper kitten you left me as.. Life was a mess when you found me and then kinda got worse when you left, I don't blame you nor hold it against you, I truly hope you graduated college.. I'm doing my best to take care of myself at least but ya, even by my writing, you can probably tell the high protocol and way you left me didn't stick entirely, but I still try to mind my manners and be polite more often than not. Also, yes, I did finally move away from my parents and all that drama, moved several states away lmao. The things you did for me, the safety you gave me, the education, everything, all of it, they're still invaluable things I cherish deeply. 

Sir Black : Heya,... Forever still wondering what happened that one day with "Kitty" cause I am probably gunna wonder that for years haha. As for the expectations you left me with.... Okay ya they uh... Didn't really reach them.. But ya know.. I try to live healthy and safely as much as I can.. It's not always easy but I'm trying.. Ps, I still think your tummy is cute. ♡

Sir Ash : I miss your hugs, you gave the best hugs and I miss cuddling you but I truly hope your life got better

Sir Johnny : You told me you still felt that even after all these years that my happiness and safety was a priority for you... Andy eventually tried to get in contact with me again and I blocked him after like a day of talking for one final time, I know you'll probably scold me for even talking to him but I was curious but ya. I won't forget how you went out of your way to warn me and try to keep me safe even if I wasn't your kitten anymore and hadn't been for years. I still appreciate what you did for me. 

It's been some years and I can't remember all my past owners because of trauma and memory issues but if I missed anyone (cause I know I'm missing a few) 

Just know I probably still appreciate you and still have fond memories even if I can't totally remember everything

Love - Mittens / Shadow etc (I don't even remember all my given names lmao) 

So I've met people that follow this strictly and also people that have no idea what that even is

I think for most, people have probably heard some of it or something about it so I just wanted to go through it for my own sanity to have as a reference and for others in case they ever needed one, it seems like people either don't know or if they know they don't often educate others, so I'm gunna do that instead

Now I'm not sure where this higherarcy originally comes from, at most I think it had something to do with the "Old Guard" or people from that time but it might honestly be a lot older than that.

Whatever the case, the higherarcy as it was explained to me when I was first getting in this community, it came from reading things from a bdsm website, the site isn't around anymore but they had tons of information on the lifestyle and old traditions and so on, my first Owner Sir Cammy, gave me the website as a massive bdsm crash course on everything I needed to know, it was paramount I understood everything I was getting into before he agreed to be my Owner and protector, he stressed constantly that I was educated and understood things and would spend hours explaining something if needed be, he had to be double, triple and quadruple sure I understood everything before agreeing to anything and I still respect that about him because he made my safety as a complete noob feel like the most vital thing in the universe. 

The higherarcy goes as follows

At the top of the list - Regionals, Kings and Queens, Princes and Princesses, Enforcers, Slave Drivers, Militants, Sadists, Daddys/Mommys

In the middle - switches, wild pets, littles as they out rank the majority of the pet community

At the bottom - pets, general submissives, slaves always came last as they're at the very very bottom

I'm probably forgetting a couple terms or roles and power levels but that's what I remember off the top of my head and generally what I go by, and I've seen tons of people follow similar or they at least know roughly about the higherarcy and all that. 

Hope this helps!