Standing up to abuse is never easy or simple, I really wish it was simple, I know I did the right thing to protect my safety and happiness and yet I still feel guilty and like it's wrong to stand up for myself, I know that's just the trauma and conditioning but it's ridiculous to think I never mattered to my entire family, I was only 6 years old, I never deserved anything that happened to me but they always said it was my fault even though I know that's bs. I'm 31 now and just cut ties with the last of my family because it was driving me nuts, I couldn't take the abuse anymore so I just blocked them on everything, I'm angry at myself for not doing it sooner but I know I'm not supposed to blame myself, I'm supposed to heal, I'm supposed to move on, I'm supposed to get over it, but how does someone get over never being loved by their own family since they were six, there's no manual on this type of abuse, I was beat so much, I was starved, I was imprisoned in my own house, a place that was supposed to be shelter, I had no one, or if I did, it wasn't for long, my grandparents were nice but they passed away when I was in middle school, my family is so abusive and everyone is guilty of so much it's baffling that they weren't charged and got away with it, from paying off cops to lying to them, to making me lie to them or else I'd be hit more, it was so extensive.. For 18 years until I finally escaped... I've been gone about 8 years now but it's still terrifying living a life without a safety net like a family, it's so hard to comprehend what on earth made them so violent and hateful, from racist neo nazi members of my family, complacent people who did nothing to protect me and enablers who took sides, I was so alone. I know it broke things in me I'll never get back and never be able to fix. I've done a decent job putting myself, and my life back together, but I still have to live with this, I still have to accept the reality, I still have to let it go, I still have to face the truth that I never had a family from the get go, they never wanted a daughter, they wanted a punching bag, it was so bad for so long and yet I have to deal with the recovery while they're living their lives like nothing happened. I'm so angry at them but I know anger is unhealthy in excess so I'm trying to make peace with it, but I don't know if I ever mentally, emotionally and physically will.. It feels impossible, but at least I finally closed the last door, at least they can't contact and hurt me anymore.. It's still a lot to deal with though. ?
3 months ago. February 1, 2025 at 11:44 AM
