Hey guys, so some of you might be wondering what on earth happened after my last post explaining that I was basically abandoned in an apartment
Well it turned into a deeply traumatic experience (which I've already had several, this was entirely unnecessary and my ex is the worst pos I will ever have the displeasure of knowing)
I was left starving in that apartment for 6 weeks, I had barely access to rice, beans, cans of tuna and hot dogs, the starvation was enough that now eating regular food is physically difficult and it takes me a really long time to finish eating as well as I had to be very careful with eating too much too fast and have had to be careful for weeks while I try to recover
So why did I stay in the apartment? Well I tried to handle the situation, be an adult, get a job, visit food pantries, I tried a lot of things but it wasn't working, the food pantries weren't open, the churches kept pushing back their food drive days and I was turned down from 25 different jobs
I came very close to giving up on life but for a last ditch effort, I called my mom, she drove 16 hours with my brother and they got me immediately the next day
First week was sleeping on an air mattress but I now at least have a bedroom to myself with a proper bed and desk and what not
So I am safe - my brothers are awkward around me as we haven't seen each other for 10+ years and were mostly no contact but ever since I got here, they've been worried about me and making sure I am okay (which is confusing considering our past drama / trauma but hey I'll take it)
What now?
Well I'm still recovering emotionally, physically and psychologically, but it's a bit annoying cause the entire shit show with my ex made me wanna completely give up on the bdsm community cause our relationship started out that way (there's definitely a story there about the dangers of Dom's vs abusers somewhere but I'll write that article later when my mind isn't fucky)
What I actually did - I trashed my 10 year collection of bdsm gear, outfits and supplies because it felt tainted and traumatizing to hold onto (especially since I got a majority of that stuff for him)
I kept some favorite things but that's about it, at the end of the day, it's just stuff and given most was already several years old, a new collection was already long over do, so that'll be a fresh start down the road
Relationship and romance - my brain wants to give up on society and go live on a farm, but since that's not exactly healthy or productive, I'm more putting a pause on things for quite a while, I want to be a healthy partner to people but I can't be that if I'm traumatized, in the middle of an identity crisis and going to take years to recover emotionally and psychologically.
So what will I do? I'll still try to take care of myself, it's been about 25 days since I left the apartment, so it's still fresh and a mess mentally speaking, but I'll keep trying to eat, hydrate, bathe, yadda yadda, I live in a new state now so I gotta fuss with setting up doctors and everything once I'm a little more mentally sound, but I just wanted to say hey, I'm okay, (not really) and I'm alive so at least there's that.