So how am I doing now?
Ahahaha - terrible
Trauma is dumb, abuse is even dumber, ptsd is even worse..
It's been 80 days since everything happened yet it still only feels like it's been a week?
Oddly enough, found a lot of new singers writing songs about shitty ex's, I guess the universe doesn't want me feeling alone..
But why are all of us hurting? Why can't we just be happy?
Why do monsters, narcissists, psychos and others have to claw at our hope, love and kindness?
We only have so much...
It would run out eventually wouldn't it?
Some say I'm strong cause I survived, but I still feel broken
Others say I'm strong for crying, but I still feel weak and embarrassed and like an idiot..
Others say don't blame yourself, you did your best with what you had - but did I? I don't know... I'm probably being too hyper critical...
I've had 4 nightmares so far
1 violent panic attack in the middle of my sleep
So many nights I couldn't sleep and just stared at the ceiling or doom scrolling apps or just staring at the backs of my eyelids..
Insomnia is here to stay I guess
I didn't notice when it walked in but it's a resident now..
I think it's been two weeks since I've slept normal?
Even writing this, I've been awake since noon yesterday?..
I probably have anger at the situation somewhere but I just feel so exhausted and sad and tired...
I don't even have the energy to be angry..
I can call them bad people, I can call them names but I'm still crying trying to find all the pieces of my heart... They got scattered so far away in the dark... I'm still not even sure if I can find them all.. They were already scattered, then this mess just made everything worse.. I'm so tired..
I'm tired of being sad, of being lied to, of being abused, of being a physical or emotional punching bag for people..
I just want friends
I just want romance and love
I just want peace
I just want to sleep without crying into my pillow..
I know monsters target the soft ones on purpose but I'm too soft for this shit.
I'm not okay
I hate them so goddamn much
They fucked me up so bad that I'm going to need so much goddamn therapy and medication..
I hate them.
But I'm still crying even saying that..
I'm just so tired... Of crying... Of being hurt.. I just want peace... I want so badly to sleep without crying and shaking in fear..
Maybe I'll find it one day..