Reading always leads me to places...
Like how Sadists aren't the issue, it's posers and actual psychopaths, I've had all 3 and it's always been members of the Sadist community that help me heal, recover psychologically and so on..
Spent several hours reading history things again, trying to understand why the hell we as a community have to hide in the first place.. It seems to boil down to the dumb puritanical culture we currently have and the messy Christian wars, but Sadists and kittens are two communities that have been around for eons. At least the 1400s for kittens and so on... And we always circle back to each other because I guess we make good pets for you introverted dorks (I say this with love)
But now I'm a kitten with an issue and wondering questions about a possible protection dynamic
I'm still way too psychologically messed up from my ex to date anyone let alone have a Master, Handler or Owner, those take level of devotion and intimacy I just don't have right now, but I'm getting restless with being a stray as it's not something I do well with.. Some people thrive being alone, and, in some ways, I did, but, I'm exhausted, in the deep bone and brain ways and miss having someone to talk to,
All I really do is go to work, come home, sleep, repeat, occasionally go to hardes or the craft store or grocery shopping
The loneliness is starting to drag me down
The quiet is starting to feel like a shirt I don't want to wear
It's not so much my depression spiking as it is absolutely a loneliness spike, and I argue, those are worse
Cause I'm just in a box with my thoughts
With no where for them to go outside these posts or my diaries
But I miss the structure
I miss having someone to talk to
I miss being nagged if I drank water (which I'm good about but it still feels nice to be reminded and shown active care and effort)
The way my ex broke me I'm looking at several years of therapy before I can date someone again, and it's from 5 to 8 years of intense therapy before I'll be stable again (currently in therapy / constantly doing homework etc)
I hate him for that because he broke what many of your community already spent tireless hours trying to fix and reroute and help me heal from
My heart wants the intimacy, comfort, devotion for someone and romance
But my mind is so deeply terrified of people
I can't even make friends with this mess
I laugh and talk with people but I hear how sharp, hallow and empty I sound..
And I hate that I can't fix this easily or right away
Cause I want friends, and an Owner who's happy to have me as their pride and joy
But I can't cause my brain is extremely at high risk of self sabotage and ruining things
And I don't want to risk hurting anyone emotionally because I don't wanna be toxic like my ex was
But it's getting murky trying to do everything independently
So I was thinking about maybe getting a protector, at least if anyone wants to have a kitten who's currently a messy work in progress, I can't offer devotion which feels like I broke somewhere, but ya.. Anyone wanna foster a kitty? I'm still a good one.. Just.. Rusty, neglected and traumatized, which is annoying.