Kitten's Enthsiastic Articles

I don't  know what is with this year - first my ex nearly makes me homeless then I think I find stable ground moving back in with my family only for all 3 of them to nearly throw me on the streets twice in a week

My brother has been spiraling for several weeks now but claims it isn't his fault and is some how my fault when we barely interact and all I do on a regular basis is sleep, apply for jobs, go back to sleep and try to set up interviews

He also tried to gaslight me into telling me that my bleeding issues aren't real when it's been documented medical history since I was 18

I admit that yes, I got upset on two different occasions in 7 months and that was it, and it was only between me and my mom and we already talked stuff out and worked things out and moved on

But for some reason my brothers took that as a major war crime and constantly use it against me like I'm not allowed to be human, feel things, make mistakes and work on junk

But then Mom said something unforgivable and said I was just as bad as my racist neo nazi psychopathic dad

... I tried asking for specifics but no one could list anything outside "oh you sleep a lot and should help with dishes more" 

... I sleep cause the fatigue issues from anemia, this isn't a new thing, I've had it since I was 18

Then I tried asking what was a positive they have with me living here and they also couldn't list anything outside "we like playing board games with you"

... Is that really how little I mean to these people? 

I know my family is a mess, but I thought one of them maybe still had humanity left

But seeing as that isn't the case and I had to call the cops on my brother for screaming at our mom

I can't live here anymore

I have no where else to go and I feel like the shelter is my only option

I'm in the East Peoria area of Illinois if anyone would like to adopt a kitty, I'm still good with manners, chores and other junk despite my family exhausting my soul

And no I'm nothing like my dad, I actively try my hardest to be everything he never wanted me to be like inclusive and multitheistic and kind to others???? 

I'm a better person because I genuinely hate his guts and never want to be like him

So how am I doing now? 

Ahahaha - terrible

Trauma is dumb, abuse is even dumber, ptsd is even worse.. 

It's been 80 days since everything happened yet it still only feels like it's been a week? 

Oddly enough, found a lot of new singers writing songs about shitty ex's, I guess the universe doesn't want me feeling alone.. 

But why are all of us hurting? Why can't we just be happy? 

Why do monsters, narcissists, psychos and others have to claw at our hope, love and kindness? 

We only have so much... 

It would run out eventually wouldn't it? 

Some say I'm strong cause I survived, but I still feel broken

Others say I'm strong for crying, but I still feel weak and embarrassed and like an idiot.. 

Others say don't blame yourself, you did your best with what you had - but did I? I don't know... I'm probably being too hyper critical... 

I've had 4 nightmares so far

1 violent panic attack in the middle of my sleep

So many nights I couldn't sleep and just stared at the ceiling or doom scrolling apps or just staring at the backs of my eyelids.. 

Insomnia is here to stay I guess

I didn't notice when it walked in but it's a resident now.. 

I think it's been two weeks since I've slept normal? 

Even writing this, I've been awake since noon yesterday?.. 

I probably have anger at the situation somewhere but I just feel so exhausted and sad and tired... 

I don't even have the energy to be angry.. 

I can call them bad people, I can call them names but I'm still crying trying to find all the pieces of my heart... They got scattered so far away in the dark... I'm still not even sure if I can find them all.. They were already scattered, then this mess just made everything worse.. I'm so tired.. 

I'm tired of being sad, of being lied to, of being abused, of being a physical or emotional punching bag for people.. 

I just want friends

I just want romance and love

I just want peace

I just want to sleep without crying into my pillow.. 

I know monsters target the soft ones on purpose but I'm too soft for this shit. 

I'm not okay

I hate them so goddamn much

They fucked me up so bad that I'm going to need so much goddamn therapy and medication.. 

I hate them. 

But I'm still crying even saying that.. 

I'm just so tired... Of crying... Of being hurt.. I just want peace... I want so badly to sleep without crying and shaking in fear.. 

Maybe I'll find it one day.. 

Hey guys, so some of you might be wondering what on earth happened after my last post explaining that I was basically abandoned in an apartment

Well it turned into a deeply traumatic experience (which I've already had several, this was entirely unnecessary and my ex is the worst pos I will ever have the displeasure of knowing) 

I was left starving in that apartment for 6 weeks, I had barely access to rice, beans, cans of tuna and hot dogs, the starvation was enough that now eating regular food is physically difficult and it takes me a really long time to finish eating as well as I had to be very careful with eating too much too fast and have had to be careful for weeks while I try to recover

So why did I stay in the apartment? Well I tried to handle the situation, be an adult, get a job, visit food pantries, I tried a lot of things but it wasn't working, the food pantries weren't open, the churches kept pushing back their food drive days and I was turned down from 25 different jobs 

I came very close to giving up on life but for a last ditch effort, I called my mom, she drove 16 hours with my brother and they got me immediately the next day

First week was sleeping on an air mattress but I now at least have a bedroom to myself with a proper bed and desk and what not

So I am safe - my brothers are awkward around me as we haven't seen each other for 10+ years and were mostly no contact but ever since I got here, they've been worried about me and making sure I am okay (which is confusing considering our past drama / trauma but hey I'll take it) 

What now? 

Well I'm still recovering emotionally, physically and psychologically, but it's a bit annoying cause the entire shit show with my ex made me wanna completely give up on the bdsm community cause our relationship started out that way (there's definitely a story there about the dangers of Dom's vs abusers somewhere but I'll write that article later when my mind isn't fucky) 

What I actually did - I trashed my 10 year collection of bdsm gear, outfits and supplies because it felt tainted and traumatizing to hold onto (especially since I got a majority of that stuff for him) 

 I kept some favorite things but that's about it, at the end of the day, it's just stuff and given most was already several years old, a new collection was already long over do, so that'll be a fresh start down the road

Relationship and romance - my brain wants to give up on society and go live on a farm, but since that's not exactly healthy or productive, I'm more putting a pause on things for quite a while, I want to be a healthy partner to people but I can't be that if I'm traumatized, in the middle of an identity crisis and going to take years to recover emotionally and psychologically. 

So what will I do? I'll still try to take care of myself, it's been about 25 days since I left the apartment, so it's still fresh and a mess mentally speaking, but I'll keep trying to eat, hydrate, bathe, yadda yadda, I live in a new state now so I gotta fuss with setting up doctors and everything once I'm a little more mentally sound, but I just wanted to say hey, I'm okay, (not really) and I'm alive so at least there's that. 

So due to my ex being a bigger pos than I imagined, I had to completely move and restart my life. 

After several job interviews going no where, I said f it and called my mom, she immediately came to get me so I moved 2 states away from my ex and I'm at least in a cozy house with access to regular groceries

Why my ex is a scum bag - through turning in my keys to the apartment people, we learned he had an entire plan to make me homeless, something I knew nothing about. 

He was getting into drinking and hiding stuff from people so I don't fully know what happened to him but I frankly don't care, no one deserves to be homeless, so to know the guy I wasted 7 years on was perfectly okay doing that to me, f him. 

A lot of me is traumatized and going to take a long time to recover and heal let alone trust someone again

A lot of me wants to become cynical, hateful and give up on the concept of romance and people as a whole

But I don't wanna give that pos the satisfaction of breaking me

He's done enough damage, I'm not losing my soul over this

I'm still heart broken and devastated by everything but then I got angry looking at my bank statements and how over the years, he only gave me 3 grand after begging for gas money for work or groceries, meanwhile i had sent him 12 grand over the years on top of buying all the furniture for the apartment because I thought he was someone worth loving. But no, he's just a lost sad pos who's now sleeping on his mom's couch and lost everything, including me. 

I have no idea how to start my life over from scratch, I almost don't even want to be a kitten again because that side of me is so emotionally exhausted

But I moved to a state that's lgbtq friendly / kink friendly, they have so much visibility here and it's helped me feel safer seeing all the flags everywhere. 

So screw the past, I'll make the best of this new chapter of my life even though I'm terrified of a lot. 

I just lost my 2 room mates and suddenly have to figure everything out on my own 

Reasons this is a horrific traumatic experience

Room mate 1 was my ex, my safe space and someone who was well aware of my ptsd, panic disorders and adhd

We had been fighting for about 3 weeks but then everything hit a boiling point when he broke my frying pan and me and room mate 2 told his family all the drama and agreed it was best to try and seperate everyone so everyone could calm down

My accountability - I wasn't usually the one starting fights, a lot was happening because my ex had behavioral issues and refused to go to therapy, refused meds and anything else, he was basically hell bent on his own self destruction, I tried to help him a lot of times but it never got through to him, he views people trying to help him as "people trying to punish him" so it was a losing battle and we ended up breaking up last year because of it. The reason we fought recently is he basically told me out of the blue he was already planning on moving out and ditching me cause he wasn't even planning on telling me anything. He was also out late drinking with co workers for several hours past when he should have been home so of course we kept getting worried, then there was a mess where he left for 2 days and we had no idea what he was doing and didn't tell us either, he was also extremely inconsiderate about my anxiety disorder and the constant crying I had from being told I have to figure out somewhere new to live by Christmas

Drama with room mate 2 - he was arrested, I'm honestly not sure why, the cops couldn't tell me much but it seems like he's going away for a long while

I called my ex to try and figure stuff out with him, but he said he probably wasn't coming back and was probably done living with me entirely

So now I'm just on my own with maybe 3 weeks worth of food

I'm still struggling daily trying to find a job and don't totally know how to handle everything emotionally when I've been shaking and crying so much from anxiety I fainted twice yesterday

I don't share this out of pity but as a way to keep track of my own records and events and facts of the situation as best as I know them. 

Any advice would of course be appreciated but honestly even just a "hey that sucks" would at least help me feel emotionally validated

All the drama with my ex prior is also why I haven't made any articles lately, I was so mentally stressed out I couldn't focus on writing anything

Additional note, I almost moved out last year on my own but then I got sick with a lung injury and couldn't do anything because I ended up bed ridden for several months

I admit my self care tanked majorly at the moment given the trauma I'm currently dealing but that can be fixed with time so that's such a smaller issue at the moment

(to the Dom's / sadists about to grill me about the importance of self care especially during trauma, shh, I know, gimmie some time lol) 

I just needed to vent and try to track my own life events somehow.