Kitten's Enthsiastic Articles

.... And by new friend I mean I somehow now have a buddy who's a hells angel.. 

I don't even know how the hell I pulled that off, not the first one I've met, but we were being idiots at work for weeks and suddenly today he drops the rank tats and shows me everything and it's like oh, okay, anyway I like this sandwich over that one (I'm not easily phased) and told him how I had a very colorful history with biker and thug people who I genuinely am greatful for and how I view most these days as the ones to turn to during bs

But it got me thinking, we're both part of a society that's never supposed to break code, but dumbass here is like hey wanna see my ink and I'm just sitting here like

There's no way this idiot is sharing this freely, this is important for some reason

So I plan to share my rank and lifestyle thing discretely next time I see him

Cause fair is fair and even I've been wondering what the hell the cross over is like and if he'd even understand

Like... Do bikers know about the lifestyle? Let alone the convoluted hell that is pets and our bs? 

He says he protects rock bands a lot so... Given tons of them are drenched in the lifestyle and regular dungeon goers.. Uh,.. He's probably aware of something, not sure how deep this rabbit hole is about to go but ya

Now am I being dumb as hell breaking our number one rule of we don't say shit to people? 

Absolutely

Granted yes I will be discreet and private and careful about it but ya

I never do this

Like.. Maybe once in a while or if people clock me in two seconds, which has happened plenty before

But this wasn't clocking, this was different, and now I'm fascinated by his bs

.... So ya the cat found the cat nip and ya I'm already drafting my eulogy to whatever sadist catches wind of this massive glaring transgression lmfao

Speaking of, how is you, hows your community, yall have been quiet and I can tell it's not an accident, yall are always plotting shit

But I noticed your community got extremely quiet lately and ya, I'm curious about that too, but I know better than to paw when you're busy at your world domination, or whatever you guys got going on

.... This is what happens when people leave animals unsupervised lmao

And god... I have been very very unsupervised at work.. 

Granted I do fine but ya

Funnily enough, the extensive research I did on Hell's angels did in help me learn something about myself too

Specifically, wtf is my rank, the cat bs has entirely intricate hierarchy structures

Big cats at the top, domestic at the bottom, 

Started reassessing my previous rank and where I've come since then and how I've changed and my prestige and past relationships and everything

Given my stuff, I've moved from domestic maincoon to still domestic but more independent Savannah cat

Not big boss energy, don't really care for that, but enough has gone down where ya.. I'm not as soft or domestic as I used to be.. 

Lately people wanted to date me too (not biker guy but attractive other people) 

And I'm just... Romantically and sexually frustrated cause I can't even date.. 

Cause God did I wanna say yes... I was weak, pulling pretty boys, cute hood types, beautiful types, gorgeous guys with beautiful long hair... And they treated me right too... It physically hurt saying no to them and having to explain I'm off the market because of needing therapy cause my ex was a fuckass

But then the biker dude had me deep in myself in thought... Like, I haven't done a lifestyle thing for... A minute... And it'll be a while before I even agree to be with a master again... 

... I probably need a protector first before intimate bs again.. 

But I was trying to figure out wtf I even am these days

... But seeing as I mopped up blood at work a while back... Ya.. Definitely not a house cat.. 

And history of exes aren't exactly regular people or safe people, not that I was danger seeking, but been with plenty of folks who did have caliber and their own credentials.. 

And given our ranks change based on several factors, ya.. Had to really reasses for a couple hours

Cause it was like, how in the flip fuck do I explain I'm not just a bubbly clerk and was specially trained for high society rich people bdsm? 

... That's not exactly something I can blurt willy nilly

..... If Cammy knew anything he would chain me to a wall and then lecture me to death I'm sure

But eh, what he doesn't know doesn't hurt him and he's been screwing around in Europe for years now.. 

Still.. Not someone I wanna ever see down a dark alley

Biker pal was worried I would judge him and it's like haha, cute, ya no, you're not the bs that keeps me up at night like Cammy's ass does

Still wonder wth that guy even got up to these days.. But ya there's at least 3 past owners i would never wanna meet in a dark alley lmfao

But a hells angel bestie? Wee, that's so much more safe compared to the bs I've already 

Dealt with, biker pals are common at my jobs and we usually get along great

But I have to wonder if he already has suspicions yet or not

Meanwhile I am 85℅ convinced my boss already clocked me weeks ago and has been acting dommy as fuck with me, not in a bad way but absolutely in the high protocol military rules bs ways... Cause he slipped some of his own tells lately too and ya.. 

Can't ever escape you dorks can I? 

Cammy trained me too well and I'm even shotty these days and still clocked in public at random. 

Annoying... 

But oh well, not like I can suddenly leave after 14 years deep and still going

Am curious about the scene here and in Chicago but too busy and skittish to really reach out

Maybe I'll check out a pride event down the road or something.. 

We'll see... 

Sometimes I do wonder if I should poke the high society stuff again but God.. It's so mentally exhausting and classist and elitest and I got so burned out

But people still clock things and can tell my behavior isn't just "oh I grew up in the ghetto"..no, they argue about how I'm a lady and shouldn't be touching trash and proceed to argue that they should take the trash instead because I deserve that level of respect (I wish I was making this up) 

Im still dumbfounded by that.. 

I'm treated very highly at this gas station

It's kinda nuts... 

Is it me? My aura? My personality? I don't get it... I want to... But it's confusing me so much.. 

And God.. I hate being single, I want to date, I want to have fun, I want to tell those pretty boys yes but I can't and that's a special kind of agonizing hell. 

So instead, I got therapy work books, a cactus plant to raise and a projector to watch tv and took myself to dinner at hardes.. 

Cause I can at least romance myself

But god saying no to pretty boys makes me wanna eat the fucking drywall ... Like God, I hate this.. A cat in heat is not a happy cat, a cat not allowed to date is even worse

It's pretty quiet here, occasionally I'll hear a faint hum of someone's tv, idle chit chat down the hallway or someone's small doggy

Other than that it's rather quiet, peaceful and not much to bother me

I don't miss the loud as fuck hand dryer from the shelter nor the slamming of lockers

It's oddly quiet and I'm not sure what to think about that.. 

I did finally order my air mattress and will get that over the weekend, and a four foot teddy bear cause I can lmao. 

I get paid weekly and occasional over time so little by little I'll make this apartment a cozy home

Doing laundry today, the machine was pretty simple to figure out

Today at work though, I had someone hit on me and ask for my number

He was way too eager and probably just wanted to smash which I'm not about that

But it made me question, am I pretty? 

I mean I know I'm cute and I have curves and lost like 20 lbs but.. I've had 3 different hot guys tell me my eyes are pretty or asking if I had a man and it's like no? I'm working on myself? 

Some coworkers joked saying I should of let myself have fun

But sex without love and devotion feels empty and useless to me

I'm still someone who needs a connection before sex and wants to only have sex with the one I'm devoted to

I'm still healing tho.. 

I heard a saying "heal your wounds so they don't bleed onto others"

I say fully aware that I ran out of lexopro and had to move my mental health appointment to the end of April

(Shhhhh, if the sadists don't find out I'm playing hookie, what's the harm) haha.... 

... And I was supposed to have a therapy zoom call at some point but haven't bothered cause I haven't felt I really need anything? 

I feel mostly stable, a bit sad and bored but nothing major

... I say as if I didn't eat just rice and tuna last week and picked this week for soup because I feel so utterly lazy and don't wanna bother with the stove

I'll get better groceries soon, just trying to get used to everything again and ya fine, I am burned out emotionally

... And worked 49 hours.. 

Usually it's 32 to 36 but we had someone walk out so we all got extra hours.. 

I did finally get myself a pillow so at least I'm not sleeping on a stiff towel anymore

I'll have an air mattress, actual pillows, blankets and a teddy bear by the weekend

Just gotta be comfy until then.. 

.. And okay fine if someone wants to yank me for playing frogger today and almost losing, you can lmao... 

To be fair I genuinely did look both ways before crossing the street today and I was in the clear but then there was a van and they honked at me but I'm fine and carried on with my shopping

But given that intersection is a mess, ya, I'm done with that.. 

I just really didn't wanna bother with Walmart today so I waddled over to dollar tree instead

.. And ya next time I'll Uber

Oh ya, speaking of uber, between using that and the bus system, I have found pros and cons of both

Uber is usually 13 bucks, today they wanted 50. I said fuck that and waddled my happy ass up to the bus stop

Ya I was 15 mins late to work but my boss let me stay an extra hour and he's understanding since half his staff also uses the bus or walks there. So no biggie there

As for how I feel about the job, I actually don't mind the gas station.. They treat me right and customers really appreciate how bubbly I am.. 

They said I have a good work ethic but I'm just cleaning all the time cause I'm bored and there's several hours we don't have anything to do or anyone there? 

I saw one customer with an eternity collar a few weeks back.. I instantly smiled, over joyed they may have found their person and told them to take it easy in the snowy weather we had prior.. 

As for the neighbors, met a couple, it's mostly just elderly or disabled folks or others with ptsd like me who needed somewhere quiet to live

That's all I have for now. 

Been here a few days

It's quiet... Little hums of neighbor's tvs or one tiny doggy, not much noise beyond that

I don't miss the slamming of locker doors

I don't miss the loud as fuck hand dryer

I'm overjoyed I have a bathtub again

So far I was given a couch, a little dining table and two chairs, a microwave and some dishes

I got 3 blankets too which is cozy

Sleeping on the couch has been really nice

It's a nice couch

The shelter beds were really firm futon type things, not very comfortable

The couch is soft and I sink a little and cuddle into it and it's nice

The weather here has been all over the place

Hot one day, snow the next, tornado warnings, wind from hell etc

Used the public bus system I was trying my hardest to avoid using

The good news, it did get me from point a to point b a couple times

The bad news

You feel every pot hole

It is the bumpiest thing known to mankind

It made me 15 to 20 mins late to work

There's no seat belts and you're josseled around like hell

.... Ya, not really something I would recommend.. 

I still gotta use it a little as I got stuck in between pay days

Just 2 more days to go then I'll be fine

Thankfully my boss has been cool and understanding about everything lately

But I guess I'll confess that ya, getting the apartment kinda took everything for a second, in paid weekly so it's not a big deal but oof

So yea I'm living off rice bowls, ravioli and canned meat, but I have had juice and veggies for several meals so I'm trying haha.. 

The oats were too expensive here and I didn't really wanna live off oatmeal lmao

But I've been making snazzy rice bowls for cheap so I'm trying to make sure I'm alright

And I'll get real groceries once pay day lands

Lately I've been better about taking my meds and doing my skin care

Even took care of my feet

I can tell I lost a lot of weight though.. 

My curves are extremely pointy and my thighs got thinner. 

I know I was like 315 lbs at some point last year, then 305 lbs, then 295 lbs, then 285 lbs so I think I'm like 275 lbs ish currently? I'll have to get a scale and see... 

Between last may and now... It's been a lot.. 

My brain lately feels like

Last May feels like it happened 6 months ago

Living 6 months at mom's feels like it never happened

Living 3 months at a shelter felt like 3 weeks

And honestly.. I feel like I was fake living at the shelter... Like some days it felt obvious I was acting and wearing a mask and other days felt genuine.. But the "friends" I made... Were we even friends? It felt shallow and surface level even coming from me, no real deep connections.. Everyone was like oh you gotta visit some time or invite me for dinner and I was like haha ya....... Probably never gunna actually happen.. Others are like, give yourself time, you'll make friends.. And I'm just.. Over it?... I'm still healing from bs, and grieving things and I feel like I'm being a rude person by not wanting to make friends... I want to but I'm so exhausted and burned still that I genuinely can't right now.. I wish Arkansas never happened..

I should be asleep right now but nooo, my brain is trying to figure out groceries and bills and furniture and god, can someone just Dom me for 5 minutes and remind me wtf breakfast and lunch ideas are 

I figured out rice and tuna for dinners for a week.. (Shush, I know it's not healthy, we gotta go super cheapo here for at least the first week) 

But I can't for the life of me figure out cheap breakfast or lunch that isn't bread and hot pockets

So open to any ideas that are cheap that I can make on the stove easily

(And someone should tell me to stop obsessing over math) 

It's an apartment that's 30℅ based income in a good / quiet neighborhood

I move out of the shelter this coming Tuesday

Been at the shelter over 80 days

Feels like it was 3 weeks

Feels like a fever dream I finally get to wake up from soon

Living with my abusive family for 6 months doesn't even feel like it ever took place

I'm already forgetting what they look like

I forgot what my ex looks like.. 

I'm still crying over the bs

But I'll have my own place soon

It'll be empty for a bit but I'll make it a home for me and myself

It's still a lonely feeling not having anyone with me

But I'll focus on me to the best of my abilities

I just, I really dunno what to do with my life now

I was gunna get married and have kids

That went down the drain

Now what? 

I dunno.. 

It feels like I'm floating through life but I'll just take it one day at a time

Still crazy to think I survived this far let alone handled the shelter craziness

It actually went really well, I was a bundle of nerves but it went well and I meet with them again next week and they said roughly 2 to 3 months and I should have housing

For now I just save money and wait

I can wait

Waiting is easy

It was the uncertainty that drove me nuts lately

The stupid paper that legally says my ex was a douche

That he was a coward who could never be a master, prince or guardian

But still, I broke down last night

While housing news in fantastic news

I was still grieving the love that I was supposed to give him

He's dead to me these days

But it wasn't supposed to be that way

He was supposed to be the one I loved

But he only loved the convenience

He didn't love me

Love doesn't leave people starving and homeless

Love doesn't sign legal papers explaining they're throwing you away like trash

I thought he would of fought for me

I thought he would of begged me to stay

I thought he would have apologized

I thought he would have talked to me

But all I have left of him is that cold penmanship that says "I no longer need you or want you"

And so I cried for 3 hours last night like an idiot

It's been nearly a year since he left me for dead

And I'm still rebuilding

I just really hate that paper

And him

I hate him a lot

I almost sent him a scathing email but he isn't worth the time or energy and probably wouldn't care about what I had to say anyway

So I've just been trying to figure out how to love myself

Like replacing my books and having a cute kitchen down the road etc

A message I'll never send to my ex - purely venting exercise -

-----

What i would send -

You're a piece of shit, i don't wish for your death but i also wouldn't prevent it, i really fucking hope you hate my guts like you made me hate you, i worshipped your existence, your cock, your soul, your birthday, your breath at night, did that mean fucking nothing you absolute piece of garbage? You left me for fucking dead, i almost drowned myself in that stupid fucking apartment i didn't even want, i was living on nothing but beans and rice for 5 weeks before giving up and calling my mom, i got abused by her and Jason when i tried to live with them and now I'm in a fucking homeless shelter because you wanted to be a piece of shit coward when Jacobi got arrested, we could of figured out bills, we could of tried to fix things, i still loved you at that time you fucking garbage can, but now? 5 weeks with not a single check in, nearly a year with no check in, you're just a fucking coward, i can't believe i worshipped you like a god, i really thought you could be mine, i really thought we could grow old together, i really thought i could have a future with you, i really thought i could trust you, HOW FUCKING DARE YOU SING ME TO SLEEP AND LEAVE ME CRYING ON THE FLOOR BY MYSELF - HOW FUCKING DARE YOU HOLD ME WHEN I WAS CRYING JUST TO VANISH WHEN I NEEDED YOU MOST - I DON'T CARE THAT WE BROKE UP, I CARE THAT YOU WERE A PIECE OF SHIT TO SOMEONE WHO USED TO BE YOUR PET - i was supposed to be your world, cause you were mine you fuck ass - even when i was mad, i still wanted to be nice to you, even when you left me for dead, i still blamed myself, even when i loved you i still hated myself for trusting you.

These days you're dead to me and it can't ever change because my brain switched over. I hate you for making me hate you, i didn't want to hate you, i wanted a life with you you fucking idiot

I don't know why I'm even writing this, I'm worthless to you and apparently have been for longer than i realized at the time, but even i still remember April 29 - i bet you don't even care what that day used to be, i still remember December 24th, i bet you don't care about it anymore, i still remember our dates, but you were probably just going through the motions weren't you?

Did you ever fucking love me? Was it all a lie? Did you just get bored of me or lose interest in the sex?

My only regret is loving someone i thought was genuine

But you never fucking were, were you?

I'm glad you haven't contacted me, it gave me time to realize what a piece of shit you are

You aren't a Master, a sadist or a prince, you're a goddamn coward who ran the second life got hard

News flash dumbass, life was never easy

But I'm sure you'll run all your life

That's a lonely pathetic existence and i don't pity you

Frankly, you get what you deserve

Also - even setting aside the relationship, d/s and living together for years

WHO THE FUCK LEAVES ANOTHER PERSON HOMELESS ON PURPOSE

YOU'RE A FUCKING MONSTER

Are you entirely fucking devoid of empathy and a goddamn conscious?

I can't believe I ever fucking loved you, what a fucking waste of the years I wasted on you

------------------------

Figured I'd give a check in

Got away from my family last month ☑

Got to a shelter ☑

Got into their 90 day program ☑

Got a job ☑

Will work on income based housing applications next week ☑

.... But what do I do with my life? 

I genuinely loved Chris and now it's like I wouldn't blink if he got hit by a car

I'm still a hopeless romantic but it has no where to go

I'm in this weird limbo where I'm fixing things but still having no idea what I'm supposed to do with my life

I devoted my life to Chris

Now there is no Chris

The life plan feels empty

I wanted to get married and have kids and grow old together

Now I'm just floating in existence and dunno what to do with it

Like ya I'm achieving stuff but it feels like I'm just going through the motions

My love is exhausted

My mind is exhausted

My romance is exhausted

My body is exhausted

I'm beyond burned out and been running on empty for over a year

If anyone has questions about petplay / kitten play or bdsm history, all my previous blogs have tags now for easier navigation! 

I also have love letters to sadists and other various categories! 

Enjoy! 

🐱

Getting therapy twice a week for anxiety, depression, cptsd 

Getting meds for my mental health issues

Treated like a person who's real and actually matters

Just got a job secured

Start that in a couple days

Weekend shifts but roughly 865$ a month

I can fix things slowly with that

Got health insurance coverage

All the things I needed to fix, are actually getting fixed here... And no one thinks I'm stupid, no one is screaming at me, no one is demanding I work from home, no one is demanding money that doesn't belong to them, no one is snooping my bank account, no one is saying give me money or out you go

People ask how I'm doing

People ask if I tried this job and that

People ask me what I wanna have a career in

People ask me what makes me happy

People ask me what motivates me

People ask me if we can color stuff together or hang out and walk to the dollar store up the road

People treat me like a person

Something my family and ex boyfriend never did or completely failed to continue to do

It's sad but running to a shelter was the best decision I've ever made.. 

It's helping put my life back together.. 

In real lasting ways.