Wading through the oceans

If you respect me, keep me safe and cherish me. I would do anything you ask.  And I would obey. For you I would crawl, stand , sit , stay. If you asked me things I've never told anyone. I would tell you the truth. If you bent me over and had me tied in place. I would not whimper or talk. All I wish in return is to cuddle when you feel I've earned it. And to fall asleep next to you when it's time for bed. To eat with you . To cook for you. To thank you for your patience with me. Is that too much to ask , you see....

This time this post on my blog will not just be poetry but also a flowing means of truth and if you read this it will tell you more than you probably wanted to know. This is going to be part of me being able to give myself permission to grow, let go of bs, forgive myself for certain things and also accept and love myself and learn to be kind to myself. For many years I have hated so many parts of myself because others always treated me like shit and taught me that who and what I am is not ok, from a young age. It only got worse over time.  So here we go. The honesty begins. I am what is known as highly sensitive or for my safety reasons that is what we will stick with. I am a bisexual which I have known from the age of about 13. I will date based not on age, race, or gender but based on the connection and the persons personality. I am a spiritual being. I am entangled with the metaphysics of earth. I work in what is known as a mans business or a mans world. I am pretty tall and have a lot of muscle and many find this intimidating. I have a very extensive sexual appetite. I am into kink. ect. We will not go into anymore detail there. But basically I have been let down, put down, burned, lied to, cheated on, and treated like shit or like I do not exist for one or multiple reasons listed above. 

Dear Brittauneia,

Dear self,

It is oooo fucking kkkk to be you. Fuck what everyone else and says. You are a sensual being but then again you were not meant for everyone, only.....him whoever he might be. Bisexual is fine. Just remember who you are. Follow both your heart and keep your code of ethics. If it does not feel right to you then do not do it. Be kind to yourself, you are worth it. You are beautiful inside and out. You are a strong and caring individual and you will eventually find him. The one that can accept you and help mold you into who and what you are absolutely capable of being. Just hold on. I know that it hurts and you want to break down, but babygirl . He is out there somewhere and until then all you have to do is keep your head up. Walk with one foot in front of the other and improve you in every way and any way that you know how. Do not let anyone tell you differently. You will be loved and accepted you just have to be patient that is all.

Self pep talk over for now. Thank you for listening or reading in this case. Stay tuned for more soon. lol

A woman with so many complexities and exceptions to the average eye. When her Dom talks to her, her mind stops wandering. When her Dom whispers to her, her mind unlocks. No complexities left. When he touches her, her body folds into pure heat and surrender. And as he commands she follows. And as he sets bars she rises. She lives to please him. He wills to make her his masterpiece, his love, his property.

How did you really feel like we would make it at all? I trusted you. You fell asleep, ignored and pretended you wanted me. And so here I fall into myself. Into the black hole. Back into my skull. And still my silence bleeds. And every part of me still has needs. But I will not beg unless you are my truth. And I will not plead unless you are the roots that came from me. Again into my skull I wake. Alone in every aspect of awake.

Today I fell apart and I didn't mean to. I fell apart at the seams. Fell to my knees and cried. For the first time I just wanted to be held. I don't want to decide. This stupid thing that we call pride. All bs aside. I just want to be held. A best friend. A confidant. Someone who is patient and kind and will understand when I do not want to decide. Who will understand that I am broken and I have trust issues and body image is my enemy. If only. If only this person existed. I would respect them, and cherish them, cofide and listen. Always aim to please and to succeed and to follow through and through. However with each passing day and every conversation. I have come to realize you may not exist. It may be but a fairy tale after all. But it was a great dream to end the fall.

She goes about her daily life same thing every day. The same vanilla life the same vanilla sex and making decisions all the time. In charge of this and that . Responsible for a few. Wary, she longs to be dominated. To be truly dominated. To be told what to do. Never having to think about those decisions while under her Dom's control. The thought of being doninated sending waterfalls down between her thighs. While her nipples become peaks. As she begins to fall asleep she dreams of when he takes control. 

She fell onto her knees.

She only wanted less time to have to think.

She only begged for him to decide.

When he told her what to do and how to do it .

She was able to relax, fall away and only please him.

All stress was gone. All pain was pleasure.

He stretched her limits, her mind and her holes.

In turn she had nothing but respect and loyalty .