Hello, Operator. I'm in something of a bind.
I'm lying naked in my kitchen and my penis
Has turned a frightening shade of blue. Please don't laugh, ma'am.
I was in a chatroom yesterday and met a mistress
Who told me all about a lovely whip and matching cuff
And collar set that she'd let me wear, if I'd be her slave.
I pictured myself as an abject, leather-clad slave
With a stern and lovely lady who would tightly bind
Me with colored ropes, or perhaps she'd choose to handcuff
Me to her bed--Oh no! Can't think of that! My poor penis
Already hurts! How could she be such a cruel, cruel mistress?
You don't need to rub it in. I should have known better, ma'am.
"What will you do for me?" Mistress asked. "Anything, Ma'am!"
She entered my home and I became her willing slave;
I bought her furs, fine gowns, shoes-- anything my Mistress
Asked for, she received, which put my wallet in quite the bind.
The financial bind is nothing compared to my penis,
Which is sorely suffering in this awful metal cuff!
I beg you to send someone to undo this damned cuff!
I'd rather do it myself, but I really can't, ma'am;
My hands are tied behind my back, trapped like my penis,
My poor penis that's trapped because I thought I was a slave!
I only have myself to blame for getting in this bind--
Yes, I should have known from the start that bitch was no mistress!
Please don't tell anyone about this awful mistress
Business; make up some tale of how I fell on this cuff
Doing a magic trick; that's how I got in this bind!
Your constant laughter is not reassuring at all, ma'am.
I shouldn't be left to your mercy; I'm not your slave!
If you don't send help, I'll sue you if I lose my penis!
Don't hang up! I dialed with my nose! My poor penis
Is ready to fall off and that woman, that mistress,
Left with all my money, escorted by her new slave.
Now I am penniless except for this collar and cuff
Ensemble made in China. I promise I'll be good, ma'am!
Save me and get me out of this humiliating bind!
Do I hear sirens? Oh save my penis from the bind
I put it in! Rid me of this slave-wear! I'm free, ma'am.
Thank you for saving me from the mistress and the cuff!
