Accessional diary of a dyslexic dom.

Hum. So Christmas and new year; chronic insomnia for about a week, fell out with a friend on Wednesday. Last night I fell asleep at about 7, 00 PM, I did not have much planed, thought I might have a Marx Brothers marathon (DVDs I mean). As it was I just could not stay awake. I woke up at Midnight, for about an hour, woke up again at 4, 00 am. I am thinking, if I stay awake all day, maybe I will sleep tonight, but actually I feel like a nap right now. Happy new year all.

It has been two months since my last blog (is it me, but a lot of people who were on here two months ago do not seem to be here). I want to start writing again but the trouble is. . . Well the trouble is that, even before covid, I was really very boring. I used to write about insomnia, then I would write about Aspergers. Then I wrote my sadness and misery at not finding a sub. Then something about music, or something profound about BDSM, then insomnia again. It just got boring. Also, I do not know why, but I have recently found writing, in all its forms, to be very hard work. So, I'll see how it goes.

I feel more and more that I am defined by Aspergers. I was going to write a long piece about this (maybe I still will) but, in simple terms, the thing that I have noticed about Aspergers is that we just can not see how the world is viewing us (then again maybe no one can).

Those who read my blogs in the past might also like to know that I have given up. Well, almost but not quite; I still check out Fet Life most days and occasionally I message someone, but I do not expect anything to come from it any more.

Anyway happy Christmas, nice Cage people, more later, maybe. 

Sad and frustrated, looking for a new partner, sub, slave is frustrating. I was (and am) talking to two girls, both live abroad. One seems to just want to talk, the other asked me for money, now I suspect that she is just a scammer. She seemed like such a nice girl, but I think I have to finish with her, otherwise I will never know for sure. Plus every one who even looks at my profile lives on the other side of the world.

I start to feel that I am the one being humiliated.

This is cut and pasted from my other site. I think I wrote something almost exactly the same, on here, a while back. Life is an endless cycle of hope and disappointment. Ow well, enough self pity for today. 

I read a lot of blogs from ladies who have been verbally abused by men who seem to feel that they should submit after one or two messages, that kind of thing. I very much do not want to be or become one of these men, however I would like to share something that happened to me recently and see if anyone, honestly, thinks that I was in the wrong: I started to talk to a girl who I came across on a different site. From very early on her language was, what should I call it? encouraging. For example:

(this is from her message to me). "I would be honoured to be your slave and property if I fit into the picture".

That strikes me as fairly unambiguous, and I did become a bit emotionally invested. After about four messages she asked if I had ever owned or been served by a slave. I was a bit surprised by this because the answer was readily available on my profile. Now I do not have all that much experience and most of what I have experienced has been online / long distance. I do not want to turn this into an all purpose moan but I do not do well with women in general and subs in particular. Maybe this is because I have Aspergers syndrome or maybe because I was all ready in my 50s when I got interested in BDSM as a life style. In short I am all ways looking but do not have much luck. I have enjoyed my online relationships but I realise that they are not really substitutes for real life. 

Anyway; at this point she did a complete turn around: She seemed to imply that my experience was irrelevant:

 "You never really had a slave then if you never had a slave serve you. You only had an online communication with someone that lives far away".

There might be some truth in this but, dam it all, I have done my best to learn and understand the life style, which so many people will not even try to do. She also accused me of interrogating her, which was not accurate at all and of saying a few things that I had not said. In my reply I pointed out that she had clearly not read my profile. I ended by saying:

"I suppose you think that you can behave like this because you are pretty, and I suppose you can, but it's not nice".

Was I right / fair to say this? I suppose the conclusion is not to use language like "I would be honoured to be your slave" when you do not really know the person.

I was a bit fucked over for a few days, but I got over it, these things happen, but was my final message to her fair?

As a secondary question; how does a dominant gain experience. An inexperienced sub can learn by serving an experienced master, but how does the master learn? and are we not in danger of simply running out of experienced masters?

All comments welcome, but if you think that I am a dick then please consider the possibility of keeping that to your self.

I do not think I have ever written a blog this long before. It is surprisingly tiering. 

Sorry I have not been here for a while, but today is my birthday so I thought I would try to say something profound about B days. After a curtain point birthdays are not really celebrated. What do we do with them? Lie in, whisky in are morning coffee, count are blessings and try not to get depressed (does anyone disagree with this?) When I was thirty I was horrified; how could time and nature curse me with such a terrible thing as thirty. Now I am 58. It does not seem so bad, except that sometimes I can not remember what I have done with the time. It is like I just woke up and was 58. Anyway must go; having Tye food with friends and I promised one of my friends that I would make some effort with my appearance.

So I have not written in a week or two (or four) why; well insomnia has been worse than ever. Sometimes I wake up at 5, 30 in the evening, and then of cause I can not sleep the following night. I have probably written about this before, but the thing is there is not much to write about when you are either sleeping or wishing for sleep. I have done quite a lot of painting, I have no idea if it is going well or badly. No one phones me or knocked on my door. I used to get angry because my phone rang all the time. Now I'm angry because it doesn't.

I have just sent my children's book to a publisher (who seem quite interested after seeing samples from it). Nothing might come off it, or it might. In any case I thought that it was an excuse to share an otherwise irrelevant poem. (Sorry I can not share any of the illustrations, but you can find some on my flicker site) Enjoy.

Pizza and pasta (Italy)

For lunch your teacher

might have a pizza

but a yeti would 

not eat spaghetti.  

Can't sleep at night, and then I sleep all day, and nothing gets done, I am drifting into depression and frustration. Tonight it is so humid that I do not think I will even try to sleep before 6, 00 AM (in the UK it is 2, 30 Am now). Probably good that I live in the UK, it is probably much hotter where you all live. Also my foot is still hurting, not much now, but still painful and driving me crazy.

I put this in the forum, then I thought, lets put it as a blog as well, why not, its quite interesting;

First however I hope that this does not come across as kink shaming. I think that everyone should do everything and anything that they want (within obvious limits). I just am not sure if I fully understand it.

When I first got seriously into BDSM I did not worry too much about why the other person wanted what they wanted, just as long as we were both getting what we wanted. Then I thought I understood that submission was about hormones or theremodes (or something). Pain brings these chemicals into the body, and this gives you a better orgasm (again or something). I have also come to understand that if orgasm is denied, then it is better when you get there. However my observation is that there is a lot of denial in BDSM and, to someone like me, who still does not quite get it, this seems to defer the object.

In short, I thought that the point was to get the best orgasm posable, and maybe I was wrong.

But also I just can not see how denial is erotic. I was going to suggest that why not deny something ells, and let them have orgasms, but what? Denying someone food or the toilet is not exactly enticing and taking a favourite position away might just make them depressed.

Sorry; this is still very confused, but hope it gives a slightly clearer understanding of my question.

Can't sleep again, it's to humid and my foot is hurting. It does not feel like gout, maybe I sprained a muscle and did not notice because the gout hurt so much.

(Did I mention this before, on here? I don't think I did); Gout is more painful than any punishment or torture that I can think of. If you had a sub or slave with gout, you could just lightly poke their big toe and, I assure you, they would be in agony.