8 months ago. Feb 20, 2020, 9:50 PM
Rules, protocols, and rituals… all submissives have them in some form or fashion. Whether they’re written, spoken, or just generally understood, there’s an expectation that we act a certain way to please our Doms. And in turn, we have our own expectations of what we expect from them.
For Sir and I, this list of “expectations” (for lack of a better all-encompassing word) has grown and evolved over the past year. Some rituals were formed by natural habitual behavior. Some protocols were clearly and openly discussed. Some rules were just simply implied. Some we agreed to on day one, but most have come up as we’ve learned more about our likes, dislikes, and needs.
When the rules are black and white, it’s easy to know when they’ve been broken and to both expect that there will be a discussion and punishment of sorts. But when expectations are only implied, and the submissive fails to meet those expectations, it leaves the Dom in a place of questioning “Did she know better? Should she have known better? Should I punish her? Should I even mention it to her at all?” And when it’s clear that he is displeased, it leaves the sub questioning, “Was I wrong for doing that? If I knew I wasn’t supposed to, I wouldn’t have. But should I have known better anyways? If he didn’t tell me not to act this way, is it just my general personality that he finds displeasing?” And this line of thinking can send you both on a downward spiral.
While this is not a very common occurrence, this is something that Sir and I have dealt with on occasion. For example, there have been times when I failed to do something that I normally do but have never been told that I must do. So my failure to do the thing was upsetting to Sir (since I normally do it), and his obvious displeasure was upsetting to me (since he’d never told me I had to do it).
This equation of expectations becomes even more complicated when your relationship balances M/s, DDlg, Owner/pet and more. While some of the rules overlap, many of the expectations for each of these roles is different.
Sir and I have talked in the past few weeks about how he can more clearly set the tone for what type of mood he’s in (Master, Daddy, lover, etc.) and in turn, I can come to a better understanding of what my role is in the moment (slave, little, pet, etc.)
After thinking about this for a few weeks, I decided to compile a list for Sir. It encompasses the agreements we’ve come to over the past year, and the expectations we’ve discussed.
This is not a list of rules. It’s not a contract. It’s not going to be signed and used to hang over the other person’s head. This is just something in black and white that we can refer back to for clarification. And while it’s already exactly 50 line items, it’s really just a starting point. Something for us to mold over time. While the list isn’t expected to significantly grow in length, it is expected to evolve as our relationship does.
Sir was very pleased with my list. Both he and I were surprised at how many agreements we’ve come to over the past year. Our relationship typically flows so smoothly that we don’t even recognize that a lot of what we do day to day is part of a protocol or ritual that we’ve created. He is allowing me to share it with you all as a behind the scenes in insight to our relationship.
1. kitten will not remove her wrist collar at any time.
2. kitten will wear a neck collar of her choosing, unless specified by Sir, at all times.
3. kitten must always address Sir as “Sir” when speaking to him or to someone in the kink community. Sir agrees to refer to kitten as “kitten” in the same respect.
4. Sir may have complete access to kitten’s body at any and all times and locations.
5. If kitten doesn’t say “cherry,” Sir will ignore any and all other “safe words” that kitten may recklessly say.
6. If kitten says “cherry” all play will immediately cease and all binds will be removed.
7. kitten may never cum without Sir’s permission.
8. kitten will take her birth control as prescribed.
9. When Sir is home and the minis are not, kitten must sleep in the nude. Sir may make exceptions.
10. kitten must be in bed by 11PM from Sunday - Thursday nights unless she is out with Sir or he gives his permission for her to stay up late. If she is feeling little, she may ask Sir to read her a bedtime story.
11. kitten will sit or walk to Sir’s right at all times when possible. Sir may make exceptions.
12. When kitten joins Sir who is already sitting on the couch, she will assume her proper position is on the floor beside him unless he indicates otherwise. She may ask permission to sit on the couch, even if he has not already indicated it. Permission may or may not be granted.
13. kitten must hold Sir’s hand when they are walking in any area where cars may pass, or when walking in large crowds.
14. kitten must wait for Sir to open her car door when getting in or out of a vehicle.
15. In restaurants, kitten will tell Sir her meal preferences, if any, and Sir will consider her requests and order for both of them.
16. If kitten wants to pay for something while with Sir, she must ask permission first. She will not ask for permission in front of others.
17. If kitten wants to purchase something kink related (besides lingerie or little gear) she must ask Sir’s permission first.
18. kitten may not self-harm without prior permission from Sir.
19. kitten must never speak poorly of herself to Sir.
20. Swear words are not banned but should be limited. kitten should never swear at Sir and Sir will not swear at kitten in anger or frustration.
21. Neither kitten nor Sir will use yelling as a way to communicate when disagreements arise.
22. Sir will treat kitten’s stuffies like friends and never hurt them to punish her.
23. Sir agrees to never lick kitten’s face.
24. When Sir is away for more than 48 hours, kitten must write a blog post or journal entry, color or paint Sir a picture, or make him a craft or treat.
25. kitten should never sleep alone. If Sir is not home, she must sleep with at least one stuffie.
26. kitten must send Sir a picture of herself if she wears any kink or little gear while he is away.
27. kitten may not touch Sir’s ropes when she is alone without permission.
28. When kitten is feeling little, she will not tie her own shoes or put on her own seatbelt; she will ask Sir to do it. When Sir is in Daddy space, he will help kitten tie or put on her shoes and buckle kitten’s seatbelt to let her know he is in Daddy mode.
29. When Sir is in Daddy space he will call kitten his “little kitten,” “little one,” “tiny kitten,” or some equivalent.
30. During Daddy and little time, kitten is permitted to speak freely without fear of maintaining protocol, with the exception that she must always use honorifics and wear her collar.
31. Sir agrees that any punishments necessary during Daddy and little time will be commensurate to punishing a child so as not to harm kitten’s ability to maintain her little space and safety in the freedom to be “little”.
32. When kitten wakes before Sir, she will make him a cup of coffee.
33. kitten will not shower alone when Sir is home without his permission. Permission will only be granted during the times of exception, not as a regular practice.
34. When Sir requests that kitten prepare the shower, she will undress, start the shower water, turn on the light and fan, and kneel by the shower door until Sir is ready.
35. During showers, Sir will wash kitten’s body and she will wash Sir’s. kitten is not permitted to wash her own body in Sir’s presence, unless specifically directed to.
36. kitten will have primary responsibility for cooking meals eaten at home. Sir may choose to cook on occasion when it pleases him. Meals will be eaten at the table together unless otherwise stated by Sir. When presenting a plated meal, kitten will prepare and serve Sir’s plate before her own.
37. kitten will have primary responsibility for maintaining a clean home. Sir may choose to assist in household chores when it pleases him. The weekly minimum requirements for maintaining the home are vacuuming, sweeping, and cleaning the bathrooms. The daily minimum requirements are loading and/or unloading the dishwasher (to keep dirty dishes out of the sink), checking the cat’s litter box to make sure it is in acceptable condition, doing an evening “pick up” of the main living areas, wiping down kitchen counters after meals, and keeping dirty laundry to a minimum.
38. kitten will begin each play session in a kneeling position on the floor or bed, at various states of attention depending on tone, unless specifically instructed otherwise.
39. If kitten’s hands are free, she may touch Sir and seek his affection at any time.
40. Neither Sir or kitten will go to bed feeling unloved. They will tell the other how they feel because affirmations are important.
41. kitten must always tell Sir “good night” in person or text before going to sleep (if she fails to do so, her intent will be taken into consideration due to her struggles with insomnia).
42. kitten will not shave her cunt unless instructed to by Sir.
43. kitten will not cut her hair shorter than Sir’s agreed upon length.
44. kitten will maintain bi-weekly nail appointments and always ask Sir’s color preference prior to getting her nails done.
45. When Sir is in a M/s headspace he will call kitten his “slave” or some equivalent.
46. During M/s play, kitten will overuse honorifics, have superb manners, comply with all of Sir’s requests and demands without hesitation, and request permission before leaving his side for any reason.
47. kitten may never remove rope from her body unless there is an emergency of some sort. She must ask Sir to remove it or remind him if he has forgotten a remaining tie.
48. kitten may never bottom for another rope Top without Sir’s explicit consent, and Sir agrees not to tie with another rope bottom without notifying kitten first and confirming that she is comfortable with the arrangement.
49. When Sir is in the mood for pet play, he will call kitten his “pet” and ask her to get her ears and/or tail.
50. When wearing her ears and/or tail, kitten may only crawl unless permitted otherwise.