I ordered a surprise for my girl for her next visit from a distributor that typically encloses free gifts with each order. Gifts that I strongly suspect are shit no one would buy, and so they give it away in order to empty warehouse space. In this order, for a free gift, they gave me... I don't even know what they are actually called. I've always called them "pocket pussy." A silicone sheath supposed to be a masturbatory aid for men. Sort of the flip side of the coin from a dildo, I suppose.
Only,... Apparently, they sent me one for a leprechaun. My dick is bigger than the entire thing. And the hole that I'm somehow supposed to get my dick in is no bigger than the hole in my dick! What the fuck?
Amused as hell (and confused only slightly less), I decided to try it anyway, just for shits and giggles. I mean, it was free. And there was no sending it back. And it wasn't like I was going to bother trying to figure out something else to do with this lump of silicone. So, I wouldn't be out anything when I tore it up and reduced it to trash.
Only, apparently, I used a little too much lube. So, my hand slipped as I was trying to slip this thing on my cock (which is bigger than the whole thing, much less the hole) and it shot out of my hand and across the bed. Fuck!
It's a little hard for me to maintain an erection when I'm laughing hysterically. So, it took a minute for me to (once I'd retrieved it) get myself back into condition, and back in position. Only to have it slingshot across the room again! Fuck!
Now, conventional wisdom would dictate that I might as well give it up. Particularly since, while I was still bent over the arm of my chair gasping for breath from laughing so hard, my dog had snagged it up and taken off to the other room with it (fuck!) But, I can be a mite stubborn. And I am a firm believer in giving something three tries before I admit it just ain't gonna happen. So, after retrieving it from the dog (in exchange for a soup bone), and washing it, I gave it one more try.
And, to my amazement, actually managed to penetrate the thing. Granted, it was virtually turned inside out. And it looked something like a chest burster from Alien, the way it was bulging. But, I was in. Sort of. So, I set about trying to figure out just what the appeal might be. Trying to slide it up and down my shaft as best I could. (Although, it was a little more like rolling a sock up and down.)
It took a little while. Longer than if I'd just used my hand. And, possibly longer than if I'd used a sock, rolling it up and down. (I still don't get the appeal.) But, the moment finally arrived. I blasted a load of cum in this sleeve, which I had come to the conclusion was just supposed to be a cum catcher to save on tissues or something.
And felt something on the backs of my fingers. I'd blown out the other end of the damn thing when I'd cum! Fuck!
When my girl got back from her parents and contacted me, I told her about it. And she laughed. As I'd intended.
And told me, "I told you, you were big! Did you think I was just saying it to appease your ego when I told you that you were so wide it felt like you were going to split me in two? Or that my mouth... I can't take you comfortably sideways because you are too wide? I still want you to take my ass. But, I don't know how we are going to get me big enough to take you."
Fu-u-uck. So much for dumping hormones, since I was right back to square one. (Although, yeah. I had actually thought she was just saying it to be nice or whatever.)
"So, what were you thinking about while you were fucking your new toy? Were you thinking about fucking me, your tight little fucktoy?"
Oops. Fuck. I hadn't been but had been trying to find something in porn sexy enough that it might offset the hilarity. (Although in retrospect, maybe I should have been cruising blooper reels.)
But, now I was. Remembering her riding me, with my hands on her waist, guiding her movements as I fucked up into her. And imagining her flying off across the bed when my hands slipped... Bwahahahaha! F-f-f-fu-u-uck!
Me being me, I shared with her the mental image. Which made her laugh too. And then reassure me.
"Well, when I come to see you again in a few days, just hold onto my hair and the ropes you have me bound in, while you take me from behind, and it should be no problem. And, fuck! Now, I'm fucking horny. What are you going to do about it, my Lord and Master? Are you up to training your slave tonight?"
MMmmmmm. Fuck.
Sadly, she fell asleep after only four orgasms. With the vibrators still in her pussy and ass. Fuck.
So, I'm sitting here listening to her snore and typing up this fucking story that nobody is going to give a fuck about. Or fucking believe anyway. Fuck.
