A break up is never easy. Regardless of who initiates it.
My first break up was somewhat implicit. They were two-timing me and then eventually they ghosted me. We talked it out a couple of months later and we remained on friendly terms.
My second one, I initiated it. I was getting dependent and my needs were not being met or even considered. Still, ending it was hard and I had to disappear for a while just so I wouldn't fall right back into where I was. It was a D/s relationship and the healing afterwards was... Difficult.
My third and last one was today. They were my friend. My best friend. We would have celebrated our second anniversary in June, had I forced myself to endure it a bit longer. But I ended it. Because I was hurting. And they weren't seeing it. I didn't want to say anything at first, I convinced myself I was being needy and unreasonable, and they had a busy life, I couldn't possibly demand time or attention. "Look what happened last time.", I'd tell myself. Who was I to demand these things? Eventually, someone had to drill it into my head that those were basic needs and that I had every right to want them. I started leaving hints, then outright saying that I was upset, but except an apology and a little effort for a couple of days, nothing truly changed.
And I was tired. So very tired.
Still, I said nothing because I didn't want to hurt them. I was their first relationship. I couldn't ruin it for them the same way my first relationship broke my heart.
I thought I was trying to not be selfish. Except, the opposite of being selfish isn't being selfless.
I was breaking my own heart by enduring the distance, the neglect, the half-assed efforts, the lack of communication... It wasn't all bad. Because we were friends. But I felt like that was all we were. There was no love there. I couldn't feel it. Not anymore.
And it hurt.
It took me a while to understand that others' emotions and feelings weren't my responsibility. Not when it's at my expense.
The break up wasn't easy. I didn't know how to bring it up, but they knew. They gave me time to think of my words, to express myself. They knew it was coming. And they were okay with it.
And it was only when I was done that I realized... That was the most emotion I ever showed them. Because I was wearing a mask the whole time.
I had to cut my camera to cry for a bit while they talked about their upcoming projects. I asked questions, I kept the conversation going, and if they heard me crying, they didn't comment on it.
I did the right thing. For myself. But I still feel sad. I feel bad. There's always this guilt that says I could have sucked it up longer. But until when? And to what end?
Perhaps I am simply not cut out for long distance.
I'll just go to bed and rest. Moving on will be hard, but going forward is the only way I can go now.
- LB
