(some thoughts and feelings while listening to audio erotica)
I'm listening to the moans of a strange man I don't know, his pleading and cajoling voice ringing in my ears at he gets closer and closer to orgasm...why do I do this to myself? Why do I subject myself to things I can never have? Why do I fantasize about things that will never happen?
The answer lays hot in my chest.
It feels so delicious to want. It creates a soft slow burn inside, like igniting a hot coal of desire. So agonizingly slow, it's delicious.
I went through 5 years of a pirate's curse of grey nothing. Nothing, that is, except dark crushing thoughts. Everything else, everything good, was gone, colors literally looked leached of life. My laughs were perfunctory, but my tears were necessary.
Desire and wanting were wispy dreams of nothing, mere memories of different times.
But then came therapy, and medicine, and a long time of hoping for change, but fear that it would never come.
And then one day, a smile. A simple smile that I felt on the inside as well as the outside. That's all. Just a spark that burned through the layers, a glimpse of warmth.
And it felt amazing. After that, things began to change, smiles came more easily, laughter felt more real. Slowly, slowly, the curse receded, giving my life meaning and colors back.
So now, desire, unrequited or otherwise, is novel and delicious. Longing is a slow burn in my chest, lighting me up again from the inside. Something I knew I missed, but couldn't remember well enough to miss it. Like an equation you can never solve because you don't have all the variables.
Desire felt so foreign to me in the midst of depression.
To feel the familiar flames licking me from the inside is...heaven. It's a blessing, a balm.
I find myself thanking this man, thanking him for sharing his desire and need, for reigniting long dead embers. I'm there with him, as he cums, begging him, cheering him on, entranced by his passion.
And it's a revelation for me, that the expression of passion can reignite fires in others.
That is what this journey has been for me, since the colors came back: a revelation.