Beauty in Bratting

I have never felt so deeply for a Dom as I do for the one who now calls me his. It is the same feeling I had with my first Dom before he ruined my trust in any Dom. No…any man. But this Dom. My Dom. He has stolen my heart. Well His heart now. I didn’t realize it until today when I looked at eternity collars.

Eternity collars scared me when I entered the community. The idea of having no control. Not ever being able to take it off scared me. A brat like me wants to hold onto that little bit of control that I could act out when I wanted. The idea of fully submitting. Of wearing a symbol of his ownership as long as he says, it scared me. But now. Now I beg for it. Crave it. Kneel for it. I must have it.

I want to have His grasp around my neck. I want to have Him with me every day, every moment, no matter what. I want to remember His control. His rules. His grip. I want Him to own all of me. Forever.

I honestly cried thinking about the day the metal would close around me and I would truly feel like His. When my training would be over and I will have known the pain, the discipline, the waiting brought me to that moment. Kneeling. Waiting on my Sir to grasp my neck forever. I yearn for the day. I want to be broken. Shattered. And made whole by Him.

It is crazy because it’s like a switch in my head went off. I no longer want to say no. I no longer want to fight. I want to kneel in obedience. Give my body in obedience. Respect every command. Every word. Every order. And do nothing but say “Yes Sir.” No matter the pain. No matter the fear. No matter the worry, the answer will always be “Yes Sir.” Oh I can’t wait. And I will work hard. This is my hearts desire. 

Sometimes I wonder if the pain is worth it. If reliving the past is worth the hope of the future. If having to force myself to choose trust is worth the hope of one day freely trusting again. If risking heartbreak is worth believing in love. If feeling damaged is worth one day feeling whole. If fighting this cancer is worth one day surviving. Sometimes I wonder if its worth it anymore.

There is something in my lifestyle which I cannot stand. Stop judging other peoples dynamics. Please just stop. 

What you and your Dom has is beautiful but so too is what me and my Dom have. Perhaps not the same. Perhaps what you want and what I want are different. But different does not mean wrong. Different means different. 

Perhaps I crave marks on my body. Bruises which remind me of the obedience desired by my Sir. Perhaps you see marks as disrespect or abuse. That is you. That is your opinion. But it does not make me a victim of abuse nor you a weakling. It makes us different. 

And is BDSM already not under enough judgement and attack. Why must we judge each other. Why must we tell each other what is wrong or what is right. I know my truth. I know my limits..and I will defend them. 

Now i understand and have experienced true abuse. I know when something truly abusive is happening we must step in. But when someone enjoys more impact play. More pain. Or even someone who were to enjoy CNC we cannot and must not call that abuse. 

Please let's be a community..a place where differences are treasured not shunned. A place where we accept each other and the beauty that makes us unique. We are a community and we need to be safe. 

Stop burning bridges and let's start building them. Let's learn from each others kinks not end them. Stop judging each other. Subs should not cut down subs or tell them to leave Doms..support is support. Support means being there and comforting not destroying. And that is my community. The one I believe in. The one i want..

Why is it so hard to heal

So hard to open up

So hard to make the voices stop and peace to enter my mind

Why is it so hard to have a man look at me and think I'm beautiful

Why is it so hard to imagine I will get my happily ever after

Why is it so hard to feel loved

All I seek is a Dom

A true Daddy. Or Sir

Someone who loves me as I am

Someone who saves me from myself

Someone who sees the true me and helps me find her

Why is that so far

I'm sorry I was on a hiatus. Self harm. Suicide attempts. All the self destruction came rushing back. I am still trying to find my submission. My forever. My peace. 

Sometimes it takes meeting someone right to make the brat crumble. Not be tamed for she is part of me. A thread in the fabric of my body. But just like you can never know every thread in every blanket....I dont know every piece of my tapestry. 

Perhaps. In the right hands. Perhaps I can find a thread which brings together both the brat and the sub. Which connects my desire to be punished with my desire to just let go. As I continue to explore me....all of me....I will seek this thread and the sower who threads it.

Sometimes the world keeps spinning and I just need it to stop. Today I lost a vanilla connection and got my car keys and wallet stolen. I blame myself for all of it and coped wrong. I just feel lost not being controllee..I'm an adult I know. I should know better. I should stop myself. But this is why I need BdSm not want...but need. I cant handle life without it. I need a collar around my neck bringing me to earth. I tried life without it. I cant. 

I sit here wondering what is right

When my life will make sense

Or at least have a shimmer of order

I sit here wondering what love is

If I will ever feel it 

Or even deserve it

I sit here wondering if my decisions were right

If they were sane 

If they will truly make me happy

I sit here wondering if I ran in fear

Fear of being hurt

Fear of changing

I sit here wondering when the world will stop spinning 

And then I hear his voice and suddenly

My world stops 

Wow. These past few days have been rough. From feeling protected, secured, and cared for to feeling so lost and vulnerable. It has sent me on a downward spiral I was not sure I wanted. 

Then going to the doctor and hearing I need a 4 grand operation to fix the jaw my abusive ex from 6 years ago broke...and not having Daddy to process that with was hard. I feel lost in the world now.

I dont know what to do so I do nothing. I dont know what to say so I say nothing. I dont know how to process my pain so I cut deeper. I dont want to connect so I retreat deeper.

It's hard feeling like you had the whole world and then it dissapeared. But I cant balance my vanilla love with the man I called Daddy. And sometimes I feel I chose wrong. I feel lost right now. I feel unworthy. I feel ugly. I feel everything Daddy made me feel I wasnt. I'm lost...and dont know if I will ever feel right again 

As you can see....I am uncollared now..a lot is going on in my life....my mental health is not where it should be and I just. I need a break. A moment to breathe. To find myself again. I'm broken. But I just cant anymore.

As you can see....I am uncollared now..a lot is going on in my life....my mental health is not where it should be and I just. I need a break. A moment to breathe. To find myself again. I'm broken. But I just cant anymore.