I've run into a little confusion. And by that I mean I've crashed face first into an identity crisis. I am in a LDR that was supposed to have become a no distance relationship earlier this year, but thanks COVID, not in the cards for us.
We spent a good three months together during the pandemic, but I had to come home before my visa ran out. During those three months we relished each other's company, our dynamic was relaxed but so loving and so involved. The level of trust and devotion was intoxicating. Just being able to touch each other was.... the most affirming thing I could have imagined.
Since being home I've been reeling. I got very comfortable with the dynamic we could have being together and once that was gone I've found it very hard to adjust back. Not being able to just reach out for a hand to hold, or having feet to sit at, just these small things I took for granted while I had them had become key stones of our relationship and then, they were gone.
This has had a range of consequences, from me developing some big insecurities, to having a huge impact on our play times with both of us mourning the fact that we can't have physical contact anymore. The hurt that we were feeling (me more loudly and far more messily than him) made me struggle through various unhealthy coping strategies. Of course he has been doing his best to help me, often putting his own struggles on the back burner.
I feel like I'm finally at a place where we have worked enough out that we're stable and this reprieve has given me time to reflect on my role, my position. Before now I'd been happy enough to be called a little, to be identified that way and to be treated as that as my main role. But somewhere in this mess a phrase has looped itself around my brain over and over. "Just a little". It became a terrible mantra for anytime I felt like I'd disappointed him. I'm just a little, of course I'm not enough, of course I'm messing up. I don't mean this in any way to hurt anyone who identifies with that title, just that it doesn't fit right anymore. More than that even, I've turned it into a bad thing for me, honestly I've spoiled something that used to be such a happy place for me.
But I need to be more than "Just a little", I need to not see myself as a disappointment anymore, I need to feel like this matters, like I'm being taken seriously as a submissive and that I am taking seriously my position as a submissive. I know this is something that he is fully enthusiastic about exploring with me, but I am having a world of trouble even defining what I want and need for myself, let alone trying to put it into cohesive thoughts to give to him.
