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Hidden In Plain Sight

The philosophies and adventures of a girl, just trying to make her way in the world.
“I’ve done every damn thing in the book wrong”... this is the story of that journey.
3 years ago. Sunday, May 8, 2022 at 3:59 AM

A Dominant I was in the process of getting to know, liked to tell me when I expressed my feelings or thoughts, if he couldn’t understand what I was communicating, that it was in fact because I was wrong. He liked to invalidate my thoughts and feelings because he was too stubborn to acknowledge that perhaps what he was “reading” about me, or what he thought I was saying, was actually not what I was feeling or saying. Rather than taking the time to ask questions and perhaps help me unravel what was there, he preferred to steamroll me into him being right… about my thoughts and feelings.

It took me a while to see what he was doing. I couldn’t understand why bit by bit I felt like I was losing my voice around him. Why I felt increasingly frustrated. Why I felt so unheard and so misunderstood. Why my communication abilities had felt like they’d plummeted into an abyss. Of course, I took it all on myself. That’s why it took so long to see.

I have realised that there are many people in my life that I allow to do this to me. I don’t know when I stopped trusting myself. And I don’t know when I started allowing other people to steamroll my internal knowing of who I am. It makes me reluctant to share myself. I have come to realise that I can’t feel emotionally safe with someone who can’t accept that their assumptions at times may not be correct. This is the issue I have with self proclaimed “empaths.” We can never know how another person is feeling or experiencing something. If they try to tell you how it is for them, you don’t get to decide that’s not how it is… even if you think you know better. I’m here to tell you, you don’t.

3 years ago. Tuesday, May 3, 2022 at 2:56 AM

Sitting at the Starbucks drive-thru, I made peace with my heart. Finally after all this time. Or perhaps after all of my life, we came to an understanding. A weight lifted. I finally came to trust in her and her choices. This heart of mine, who I’ve condemned for so long. Who I’ve never trusted to make wise choices. This morning I finally came to understand her wisdom. It’s been there all along, and yet I could never see, or perhaps could never understand, or perhaps could never allow myself to believe. 


This peace allows me to let go of something that has been the struggle this whole time… believing I did it all wrong. It allows me to see now that I didn’t, and never did. It allows for a knowing that I will be ok. She will know again when it’s time. She will recognise love because she has done it very successfully throughout my life. I can trust that I will know when the right person for me comes along. 


I just needed a quiet place to rest for a while, so that I could heal enough to hear her soft voice again, because she only speaks in a whisper. This has been that place. You have all given me so much. So much support and encouragement. You have seen me. You have allowed me to be seen. You have allowed me to write and pour my hurt out, and you have never condemned me for that. I am so grateful. Thank you. 

 

If I am a little bit quieter these days, know it’s a good thing. I’m still here. I just don’t need to be so seen anymore. There are others who’s turn it is to bask in the beautiful support here, and to shine and feel nourished, being lifted from a lifetime of feeling hidden in plain sight. It’s time for me to pay it forward.

3 years ago. Sunday, May 1, 2022 at 6:54 AM

‘Love your partner in a way that moves you to transcend yourself.

Everyone hopes that if only they could just change something in their partner, if they were just this way or that way, things would be better. 

But really the only change that happens is if you crave the relationship and love the person enough that you’re willing to move beyond something in yourself.’

3 years ago. Wednesday, April 27, 2022 at 7:17 PM

It happened so quickly, before her mind had an opportunity to stop itself or to interfere. Her fingers brushed his hand gently, softly. ‘You have callouses,’ she said, a slight laugh with a hint of concern. The sudden realisation of such intimacy jolted her. It was so unexpected and unfamiliar. A small speckle of colour in what has felt like a world of grey for so long. She was surprised to feel, well, anything. She had given up expecting to feel anything towards another again, believing perhaps that her heart had gone into hibernation.

Yet here it was. Uncontrolled. Directed at the one person it shouldn’t be directed at. His presence was just so overwhelming. Like he consumes her somehow. Sucks the oxygen out of the room. She feels small and insignificant, yet seen. He sees her... that piercing gaze burns into her soul and exposes everything… the things she doesn’t want to even believe herself. He knows they’re there, laying dormant. Fuck. This can only go to a place that ends badly. But somehow it feels like the wheels are already set in motion. And that touch. That one touch. Spoke a thousand lifetimes.

3 years ago. Wednesday, April 27, 2022 at 7:00 PM

I hope you can understand.

I can’t let you into my heart again.

W/we wounded it too deeply and it has deemed U/us unsafe.

I will always love you, I will always be your friend, I will always be here for you on your journey the best way I can, I will always cherish what we once had.

What I won’t do, however, is give U/us another opportunity to hurt me beyond repair.

That can only happen once.

3 years ago. Saturday, April 16, 2022 at 9:43 PM

So I’m a big fan of recycling and upcycling. Being a bit of a gypsy these last few years has had me focusing a lot on streamlining my belongings to make for easier moves. With my latest move I decided it was time to upgrade my desk to something smaller and more practical… and definitely lighter, than this beautiful wooden one I’ve been hauling around all over the countryside. As much as I love it, this last year especially, has been a big one on me becoming brave enough and willing to let go of the lifestyle I have always identified with, and learning to accept where I am right here and now. In the physical, that has looked a lot like letting go of my kayak, bike, surf board, home-y stuff, sentimental stuff, and things I’m just tired of lugging from place to place with the hopes of “getting back to where I once was.” It has been difficult. And at times heartbreaking… or more aptly, re-heartbreaking. Especially because it’s what defined me as an adult and was the happiest time of my life. All I wanted was to recreate it in a healthier way. But I have slowly come to accept that change doesn’t work that way.


And yet sometimes, just sometimes… it can surprise us in the best ways… 

 

Being in lockdown as a close-contact yet again, has had me bored out of my brain sitting at home (and harassing people in chat with my incessant talking). As much as it has actually brought me back to books again, my lifelong passion, it has been a bit of a struggle. One night I decided to look for things I need to update, to fit better the lifestyle I live now. Having been looking for a desk for a while, I knew exactly what I wanted as I had narrowed down what would fit me best, over time. There has been no rush. Even though many of them had popped up, none were quite right. Either priced too high or too far to travel.

 

Until the other night. There it was. The desk. Not quite how I had envisaged… but if I was willing to overlook my expectations and accept it as is… it was free! I checked the small print to make sure, and yep, it surely was free. “It will be gone already,” I thought to myself. Nothing that good stays available for long. But I sent a message anyway, and asked if it was still available, if I could come and have a look. She replied that I could! It was still available! So I organised to go look. I was due to do a RAT test to come out of lockdown, so I did that and it was negative. Phew. And that morning my housemate did one that came back negative too! We were free! Yay! So, it was organised. The next day I would go with a friend (potential lifting power ?) to have a look. 


Now when I say this desk wasn’t quite what I was expecting… hmm ?… 

it’s a study desk. Very practical by design. A big drawer, a small drawer, and storage shelves with a cabinet door. Perfect for me. Generally white, as sold. Well, this had been a children’s desk. It was pink and white, and her daughter had decorated it. I could see something sparkly on the surface of the top in the pictures advertised, but couldn’t make out what. “You know what? I thought, “I’m just gonna have a look. If it’s not right, no harm done.” So, off we went. 

The moment I laid eyes on it I knew it was mine ? not only is it pink and white, the top is done with sparkly sloths. Lol. The irony. One of my spirit animals. Needless to say, it came home with me. 
As I sat here fixing little things here and there and tidying it up, pulling a few random stickers off here and there, something I hadn’t noticed before jumped out. I laughed out loud! Written on the drawer, with perfect grammar, ‘Hi, I’m Chicken Nugget.’ Perfect. This is my new desk, to match my new life. And I love it ?

 

3 years ago. Tuesday, March 29, 2022 at 8:36 AM

 

I Shall Believe

Song by Sheryl Crow

 

Come to me now

And lay your hands over me

Even if it's a lie

Say it will be alright

And I shall believe

 

I'm broken in two

And I know you're on to me

That I only come home

When I'm so all alone

But I do believe

 

That not everything is gonna be the way

You think it ought to be

It seems like every time I try to make it right

It all comes down on me

Please say honestly you won't give up on me

And I shall believe

And I shall believe

 

Open the door

And show me your face tonight

I know it's true

No one heals me like you

And you hold the key

 

Never again

Would I turn away from you

I'm so heavy tonight

But your love is alright

And I do believe

 

That not everything is gonna be the way

You think it ought to be

It seems like every time I try to make it right

It all comes down on me

Please say honestly

You won't give up on me

And I shall believe

I shall believe

And I shall believe

 

That not everythin' is gonna be the way

You think it ought to be

It seems like every time I try to make it right

It all comes down on me

Please say honestly

You won't give up on me

And I shall believe

I shall believe

I shall believe

I shall believe

And I shall believe

 

And I shall believe

Please say honestly

You won't give up on me

I shall believe

I shall believe

I shall believe

I shall believe

I shall believe

I shall believe

I shall believe

I shall believe

I shall believe

I shall believe

I shall believe

I shall believe

I shall believe

I shall believe

I shall believe

 

 

 

?Love is in the air on thecage at the moment. For some reason it brings this Sheryl Crow song to mind. Hearing this song always makes my heart melt. Something about it seems almost sad, yet beautiful at the same time… the truth of relationship. It speaks to me of the vulnerability of love. How brave it is for us to step into that space together and hope; to believe in each other and what is being created together. Belief, in my eyes, is the glue.

 

To those setting out on a journey together into the depths of what can be created within your connection, may you never stop believing in each other ?

3 years ago. Saturday, March 26, 2022 at 1:23 AM

Big…

 

and small…

 

3 years ago. Friday, March 25, 2022 at 6:36 AM

 

*not my interaction but it just gave me the giggles, so had to share.

3 years ago. Tuesday, March 15, 2022 at 6:21 PM

Let’s talk a little about rope. *smiles* (my happy place ?).


When people speak of rope, the most conditioned thing we hear them repeat that they’ve been told, is that rope is dangerous. And you know what? They’re absolutely right.

 


But, why?

 


What makes it so dangerous?

 


“Nerves.”

 


That’s the most common answer.

“There are certain points in the body where the nerves are closer to the surface of the body, so they’re more susceptible to damage…. so, know your anatomy,” is the common mantra.

Yes, all well and good, however…

 


Did you know that nerves can be damaged anywhere in the body?

 


Did you know that there are different ways in which those nerves can be damaged?

 


And what then, are the consequences of that?

 


I recently attended a rope bottom workshop, which was incredible. The wisdom in that room took my ropey-hearted breath away ? 

We spoke of many, many things.

What I want to speak of here though is something I believe is absolutely imperative if you want to play with rope (or any play for that matter):

 


Your Risk Profile.

 


Risk Profile? You ask. What is a Risk Profile?

 


Glad you asked…

 


Your Risk Profile is determined by sitting down with yourself and establishing what consequences you’re able/willing to live with should you sustain some kind of injury or harm.

 


Huh? 

 

Wrist drop is a very high possibility when it comes to rope, not just from misplaced ropes… nerve compression can simply occur over time (cumulative compression- a very real factor in long-term rope bondage). Wrist drop means that for a period of time, until it heals, you will be unable to use your hands. You heard that right… can’t wipe your bum, can’t drive, can’t work. If you work with your hands in an everyday capacity, as most of us do, this becomes a “real world” problem.

Can you afford to not work? Do you have someone willing to help you should this occur? Is the Top willing to help? Is that negotiated into your agreement?

 


Breath play is a more extreme example. There are consequences to having oxygen supply shut off from our brain… short-term perhaps, long-term (cumulative) more likely. Who will care for you should you experience brain damage? Is it worth the risk to you?

 


Basically put, it’s a very real sit down with ourselves to determine what injuries we are able/willing to potentially sustain within our personal lifestyle. That is a Risk Profile.

There is no right or wrong answer when it comes to determining this for yourself. However, it’s very important to be realistic and honest.

 


Rope isn’t just dangerous because it has the potential to compress some nerves. It’s dangerous because it can have life altering consequences. It’s great to take heed and listen to advice when given by others, however, more than just parroting what we’re told, it is very important to learn why we’re told these things. It’s more than just choosing someone we think will keep us safe. It is about learning for ourselves, and for those who play with us. Being a responsible play partner, regardless of whether you’re Topping or bottoming, is what helps to mitigate things going wrong. Rope is never “safe.” We can have ways to make it “safer,” however, there are no practices that completely erase the possibility for harm. It is your responsibility to negotiate well, know your partner, know yourself, and communicate all of those things in an ongoing capacity from the beginning of negotiations, through the scene, to parting ways after the negotiated later ending of a scene (including aftercare).
As I said above though, there is always risk… you’ve just got to choose which risks you’re willing to accept the possible consequences of.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


*Don’t know what R.A.C.K is?

Here’s some reading ?:

 

SSC vs RACK by Justin Medlin: 

Origin of RACK by Gary Switch: 

RACK and SSC from within Reality: