It had been a rough week. He was arriving Friday, and suddenly my day blew out- an extra shift, an appointment, a hospital visit. My energy depleted, I began dreading his arrival. With that dread came an annoyance. I had suggested shifting our visit to the following weekend but he had said it would be ok. He wanted to see me. I wanted to see him, but there was a resistance. He felt like another burden added to my week. The thought of demands or expectations or even having to simply “host” a visitor, just seemed too much.
When he arrived I was withdrawn. We spoke about our plans for the weekend. He told me about his week. We fucked. We relaxed into our familiar routine. But I couldn’t shake the feeling of resistance. I shared with him that I was feeling super flat and just wasn’t feeling it. He listened and allowed me to share- reminding me I was safe, care emanating from every part of him. He offered the opportunity to cut his visit short if I felt the need. We simply relaxed and talked. He gave me space and offered comfort. At the height of my resistance I considered asking him to leave. He shared a concern that he was invading my needed “me” time. A part of me wanted to ask him to go, but another part of me was comforted simply by his presence. So I sat with it. And he sat with me, doing his own thing. Without trying to save or fix. Nor take anything on personally. I love that.
We talked some more. We had spoken of my resistance to others seeing me at my worst. He held me in that space with tenderness.
Finally, we went to the place of unspoken, and brought everything to light. It allowed me to remember to see him, and not the stories I create. And the strangest thing happened. Everything dropped away.
We ended up having a wonderful second night and following day, full of intimacy, insatiable sex, lightness and laughter. He helped me come out of my head and back into my body. Slowly. Gently.
His patience is unwavering.
He gave me permission to show up in any way, which ironically gave me the freedom to let go and connect deeper.
He scares me because he is a promise. A promise of a future I could have. A future I don’t feel ready for. Or maybe deserving of? I’ve sent so many prayers out to the universe, hoping. But I never actually expected anything to show up. Yet here he is. And I can list a million reasons as to why he’s not the right one. But something tells me otherwise. I don’t know what. It feels like it’s something beyond my comprehension, perhaps because it’s the unknown.
I read an interesting passage tonight that spoke of the difference between trust and faith. Trust requires a relationship and knowledge about the character of the person you are committing yourself to. Whereas faith is believing that if you jump you’ll be caught. I trust him. I just don’t have the capacity for faith right now. I shared this with him and he told me that’s ok. He isn’t going anywhere of his own accord, and there’s no pressure for me to be at any place other than where I am right now. I believe him when he tells me these things. And I agree. I don’t need to be anywhere else other than where I am.