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Dancing in darkness and solitude

1 week ago. December 2, 2024 at 9:04 PM

Ever since I was a child I've always had a deep and often overwhelming urge to question, clarify, confirm that what I think I am hearing is being understood correctly.

That my thoughts are coherent, and what the person who's communicating with me is intending. Because my mind brings forwards a myriad of different possibilities and potential ways that my response can be interpreted. 

How the wording could possibly be misconstrued, misunderstood or possibly twisted to mean something else. Whether or not it can come back to bite me in the ass. 

I remember these thoughts constantly shouting in my mind, keeping me on guard and always having me second guess myself and everything that is "safe".

That my responses are reasonable and make sense, and cannot be held against me because my logic and thought processes constantly strive to resolve every potential issue before they could possibly arise.

I use to be practically catatonic with anxiety and fear, a deep and dire urge to please everyone around me. Fix all the problems, do everything that needed to be done ahead of time, so well that nothing could be faulted. 

I was raised believing that I wasn't allowed to be happy. That I was different from my siblings and that I had to have permission to do just about anything unless I was specifically instructed to do so. And when I showed emotions I was either pushed away, ridiculed or punished. Told I was too clingy. Too needy. Too noisy. Always too much and yet never enough.

 

As I grew older and broke these teaching, as I forced these ingrained behaviours out of my system and changed my outlook and responses,  I can look back and see so many instances of emotional and mental abuse.

 

Times of physical abuse and most often neglect. My earliest memories are blank blurs, very patchy and extremely difficult to place in a coherent timeline.

Most of my childhood is a black hole of nothing.

Nothing but a big patch of empty, hollow fleeting darkness. 

I know there were times of suicidal ideation. Of wondering what would happen if I suddenly disappeared, or never even existed. 

Some of the few things that brought me joy were my teddies (stuffies as some know them), animals and nature. Reading books and gaming when I was sporadically allowed to. I understand that these were all means of escape for me, and I feel that even now decades after all the miserable childhood drama us gone, they still serve as faithful and beautiful lights in those dastardly times.

These are some of the only times I felt something, and the only things that sparked even an ounce of joy in my life through some very difficult and troubling years. 

 

I'm sure I'm not alone in all this, as I'm positive many littles and middles experienced much the same in their lives, leading them here eventually. But I find it interesting and incredibly bittersweet that these things became my anchor, a coping mechanism that's carried me from those days to where I am now. 

Why am I sharing such somber and morose thoughts this evening? 

 

In case anyone else still struggles with these feelings and thoughts creeping up on them. Still has haunting moment where they freeze in horror wondering if something they've said has been taken the wrong way, or unknowingly created some kind of dilemma or struggle for another.

 

Because even years after these things are done and over, the shadows still linger and have a hold. The thoughts are just a whisper now, but they're always there, pushing and prodding for moments of weakness or vulnerability. 

And because I am so very happy and thankful that that is no longer my life. That those thoughts don't hold me hostage anymore, and are just passing visitors in small spaces of time. That I've grown strong enough to move past them, hold my head up high and say no matter what the outcome is I will rise and handle it. I will step forward and not be held down by the weight of that darkness, like a shroud of misery and sadness. 

 

These things will always have a place for me, but they are no longer a part of me. And for this I am grateful. 

 

 

2 weeks ago. November 28, 2024 at 11:21 AM

You can't log into Facebook anymore because EVERY. TIME. YOU. DO!!! You end up seeing books you want to read on KU and open them in a browser tab so you can add them to your tbr list.

And constantly have over 80 tabs open (even AFTER) you've saved a ton to your bookmarks) at least 75 of which are said books you're lining up to read...gah! Book addiction is a real thing people,  why oh why can't I just get paid to read? 🤣😱🥺🙈

2 weeks ago. November 25, 2024 at 10:16 PM

 

 

 

 

2 months ago. October 7, 2024 at 11:03 PM

Does it make sense when I say I am hollow?

That my feelings play hide and seek?

 

That I feel left out, and kept out and shunned by most around me.

 

That the ones who care and try to reach me, feel like distant echoes...

Like we're separated and they can't see what I see.

I can't feel what they want, its just an empty hollow hole.

 

And the place where I should be is covered in grey. 

 

Like I've been cut off from the living and have no place among the ghosts.

 

Unreal and indifferent, 

Cold and methodical.

 

Just a shadow of who I could be.

...

4 months ago. August 2, 2024 at 9:38 PM

My life bleeds away moment by moment,

Like the phases of the moon

The days rush by

Over in the blink of an eye.

 

I feel pieces of me come apart and drift away on the wind, 

between everyone and everything that I come into contact with.

 

I feel the energy drain away,

My voice it cracks and breaks.

I'm not who I was before and its all turning up blank.

Years are lost in a haze, 

like a bad mystery inside a maze.

 

And I trudge along the empty path, 

Between what once was and what I thought I'd have.

 

Forgotten bits carry in the wind, 

Memories of another being,

Another life, things once loved.

Empty arms and invisible hugs. 

 

A shadow crossing over me wnd whispering lost imaginings,

Of a time before when things might have been, but never will be again.

 

4 months ago. August 1, 2024 at 8:36 PM

Recently I was doing some laundry and offered to throw someone else's stuff in to have a full load. It was a guys stuff, we all use the washers and dryers and I'm used to doing my families laundry so doesn't phase me to mix stuff together.  His comment when handing me his stuff was "you can sniff my underwear or something along those lines 🤣" and my instinctive response was I only sniff my own undies (to which he blanked on a reply🤭). 

 

Thinking back I can't recall having ever sniffed another person's things before, but I have had a thing about smelling my own for a long while, especially after I've been aroused🤫.

I love the smell of sex, its one of my favourites, and while it occurs to me that this may be somewhat odd behaviour I'm sure I'm not the only one who does it 🤔😆. 

 

Does anyone else have any dirty little secrets they'd like to share that seem odd? Curiosity is tickling me what can I say...think the song says it best.

 

5 months ago. July 8, 2024 at 7:37 PM

This is just a wish sent out to the powers that be, its Mama Grey Eyes birthday today and I hope its the best one she's ever had-to date!! 

 

This wonderful and amazing woman has been a light and a shining star in my life ever since she came into it, and many times before on our past lives when our souls crossed before.

 

She has been so brave, courageous and steadfast throughout all her trials and taken everything that life has thrown at her not only in her stride, but reined it in and ridden it into the sunset to live her best life and achieve the happiness she's craved and fought for for so very long.

 

I admire, love and adore her and she is my guide, best friend and the closest thing I've had to a mother in my life, and I am truly blessed and so very grateful to have her in my life. 

 

Words are not enough to convey how much she means to me but I do hope they convey some of my happiness and honor at being able to have her in my world.

 

You are stunning, so very inspiring and truly one of the best people I've come across in my life mama, all my love (and da stuffiness!!!) ❤️ 

6 months ago. June 12, 2024 at 4:42 PM

Is it just me or does some days feel like nothing but effort and trauma when it comes to adulting? Like you'd rather be doing anything else and have to bully and force yourself to do the grown up stuff🥲🙄. 

 

Not sure if it's a little thing or just a general one but I frankly find it exhausting to constantly have to put on my big girl boots and do the doing things. There's never a break, never a gap or breathing space, then i just get into a funk because it feels like I'm at fault for not being able to manage it well enough 😅😮‍💨.

 

Just a rant, it's not as bad as it seems but sometimes it's nice to just stop and not have to do anything am I right?

 

Have a bewtiful day and I hope its filled with rainbow bubbles and butterflies 🌈🦋!

6 months ago. May 18, 2024 at 8:53 PM

If the seas and the sands sent a thousand whispers

around the world in search of you,

would you give them a chance to find you;

or would you elude me like you always do?

 

If the sun and the stars shone the brightest searchlight,

illuminating every place you might hide,

would you still find a place to creep into?

 

A shadow where you can't be found...

 

Would you slip through my fingers, 

just like time and time again.

 

Haunt my dreams as you whisper my name,

and come to me, soulmate, before I awaken from this dream;

to nearly see your face before you're gone again.

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Through shadows and mist I see your face,

and even though you see me so well 

I run away and hide in disgrace.

 

Because you can look inside me- see what I hide, 

when no one else can.

You seem to see what's in between the lies,

that I spin around myself in an attempt to hide. 

 

From the anger and the hatred, the shame and hurt.

From the many broken promises, the unkept words.

 

People say things, then take them back. 

Yet that doesn't take away the pain,

Yet you tell me it's not my fault.

That I have no reason to be ashamed.

 

Yet how do I explain to you- the only things I feel is dirty and used. 

Hollow and alone, like howling in pain.

So I hide myself instead, I turn away.

Turn my back on myself, just like everyone else.

 

And now you tell me not to, that I must take care of myself. 

But how? WHAT? WHY?? 

It never mattered before, so why do I matter now?

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Sometimes all it takes to feel loved

is a tender work, a kiss or hug.

When your days are wrong,

nothing going your way,

but then someone comes along and brightens your day.

 

They make you smile, laughing at your tunnel vision,

you realize you've been blinded.

Off on your own mission. 

And with that single dazzling smile are reminded,

that although your world revolves around you

the world at large spins to a different tune.

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If you're feeling lost, closed

blocked off,

all the rules you follow

apply only to you.

 

The boundaries are blurred,

you're a loner. An outcast.\

Your every decision shadowed with doubt.

 

Just remember one thing,

you are never alone!

There are many of us out there,

each different but as one. 

 

So gather your strength around you,

send happy waves of energy out. 

 

For those same vibes will return tenfold

showering love and joy about.

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6 months ago. May 18, 2024 at 8:12 PM

Electrifying impulses shoot through veins,

delectable, delicious, delirious. 

 

As my system is shocked awake,

pounded by a wave of emotion;

on a bloody red wave that crashes, courses;

shakes with the power and energy.

 

Your touch stings, breath scorches,

eyes wide open with a silent scream,

begging for this sweet pain to end.

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Essentially we are but one,

divided by our consciousness. 

PArted from each other eons ago,

as the centuries grew and lands fell apart.

As the histories transgressed, one against another,

families drifted away and the changes came about. 

But in the ending of this story we will all awake together,

in the same place and joined as before.

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An ode to the dissymmetry of the constellations.

 

Vibrant and  pulsing they shoot through the sky,

blinding or invisible to the naked eye.

 

Starry eyed lovers lay under them and sigh

star-struck children whisper wishes on their pillows,

gazing up at them as they dance and fly. 

 

Bursting apart in a flash of colour,

leaving a glittering pathway,

showering the galaxies with ancient histories.

 

Coalescing together to re-form and birth another,

twinkling with the twilight as the daylight fades away.

 

We will forever be enraptured with them, 

celebrating their glory. 

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 The tongue, such a splendid thing,

it can cast a spell or wreak destruction.

 

Can wash away pain and inflame a heart.

as it weaves a net of words, shooting wonderous sparks. 

 

It causes howling and anguish,shrieks of joy or pain,

but it can only manage to do so if wielded by a human.

 

As a form of communication, it is state-of-the-art,

but ultimately it will be what drives us apart.