Self and Worth
There are so many ways we measure and weigh our own value, see our own worth. We push and fight and strive to succeed in ways and things that without context or insight really have no meaning or purpose in our lives, other than the ones that have been placed there by others or events in our formative years.
It often astounds me that time and again I will stop with a sudden question of WHY, and not be able to answer the question readily and with understanding.
I remember as a child I ate what everyone else ate, my Mother takes great delight in telling me that I would savor and relish meat, it would be set aside as my special treat, even going so far as to lick it between bites and relish it, savoring it for last.
Then one day I felt ill and tried to understand why. This happened a few times, each time I began to realize it was in fact eating said meat that was making me feel this way. And so I came back to the WHY. Why was I eating it, did I really enjoy it? If I enjoyed it why did it leave me feeling unwell and unhappy? So little by little I stopped because I realized it was not my choice to do it but my upbringing and conditioning.
My Mother is also not a big meat eater, but oh did she try time and again to “make” me eat it. She would get it right on occasion till she turned away and I could sneak it off my plate of one of my siblings or run to the kitchen with my plate to hide the evidence, until I eventually decided I wasn’t eating it end of story and stood my ground. One of many mini victories in my life and small ways I would begin standing up for myself over the next few years.
The point I am trying to make is that in many ways our upbringing shapes us, forms us into very specific and often generic frames that we’re forced to conform to, till they snap, or twist, or we fall out or manage to extricate our selves in some way or another. Most often this is known as coping mechanisms, and yes EVERYONE has them.
Some cope by eating, others by starving, some by learning, others by being chaotic and wild. Often times substance abuse or some kind of addiction steps in to fill the empty spaces as we try to work through out internal dialogues and verbiage trying to align our inner foundation with the outer feedback and clashes that inevitably surface with time and life’s external stressors.
We look for validation and try to measure ourselves by these coping mechanisms, and often we gain some measure of success and thus some “pride and confidence” in our self and our value to others. We begin to hold ourselves to very strict and rigid patterns and ways of thinking, zoned in on that ever elusive “light at the end of the tunnel”. The be all and end all that will make all the suffering and pain and angst and turmoil worth it, and finally give us that validation and approval that we so desperately craved throughout our tortured misgivings.
My personal coping mechanism has always been work, it's been my best and strongest means of escape. And when it is jeopardized I falter, fall apart, lose my "face", like hitting an invisible brick wall full on with a BAM. I have always been the provider, being best at my job, working harder, a faster, doing more in a shorter span of time. I excelled in every area I set my hand at and it was MY thing. My way of shining and being accepted and proving my "value and worth". But even for all this the work was always to fix, an ever eternal black hole that has consumed years of my life, and replaced many other things that a "normal" person would have.
Because even in all of this there is still a very large part of WIIFM for most individuals, their thoughts, actions, reactions, behaviors etc all largely revolve around or are based on WIIFM.
So now what happens when there is no M in this equation? When you have no value or worth placed on the Me part of the equation…
Everything landslides and becomes unbalanced, and you spend a lot of time trying not to freefall, to just grab on to something, anything and hold on to it for all you can. Because if you don’t then you’ll just continue to tumble and crash around like you’re falling off the side of a very high mountain with no bottom in sight and a guarantee of no soft landing. In fact there’s a mighty high chance that NOT holding on for dear life will literally result in the END of said life.
A little too dramatic? Too much of a proverbial cliffhanger/you’ll survive/just go with the flow/everything will be okay/don’t worry so much/but you won’t know till you reach the end of the fall blah blah blah.
That’s the thing though, you don’t know. You never CAN know until it actually happens and your theory is proven right or wrong. You’re left with choices, really shitty choices that you’re literally fighting with every muscle and fiber of your essence and you don’t want to let go and find out. So you start pulling yourself up inch by agonizing inch, going by pure instinct and strength of will, by force of spirit and brutal determination, to get a better grip, so you can breath for just a second and you fanatically try to gain some footing on the sheer cliff face that you’re faced with, waning strength, quivering arms and screaming voices in your head.
“Don’t let go!/You’re not strong enough/Why can’t you do anything right!?/ Just let go and be done with it/ You’re pathetic, what is WRONG WITH YOU? Just hold on a little longer/ Go there!!/ No that’s stupid/ Look down there…/WAIT DON’T LOOK DOWN!.
And it all comes crashing down on you at once and.you.just.can’t.anymore…
Suddenly you’re falling, plummeting at break neck speed towards everything you’ve ever feared, certain doom, probable death, the end of YOU.
And just as suddenly your jerked backwards, something yanks you back and you feel your body react, respond instinctively without thought or reason, you feel a movement around you, inside you, within you, it’s like an embrace is suddenly wrapped around you and you're soaring, gliding and…FREE.
You hear noises, sense motions and currents as the wind stirs you and pulls you along and you sense…other…strangeness but yet an intrinsic familiarity.
You’re past the mountains now, the cliff far behind, you can’t think for the rushing of the wind in your ears, the blood pumping and coursing through your body and the heavy thump thud of your restless trembling heart.
You’re banking over a lake, the sights all around are breathtaking and you start to lose speed, momentum is failing and you begin to drift slowly down, you realize you’re in a downward spiral and you have NO idea what’s happening or how you’re going to land. A sudden jarring impact lets you know that it’s been taken care of, none to brutal but not exactly gentle either.
You lay there exhausted, shocked, shaking in the aftermath of all that’s come to pass.
Fall asleep, restless slumber, cold, tired, cramps. During your sleep you feel a heaviness settle over you, you’re body rest peaceful now, relaxed. You awaken to sunlight and glory all around you, and make your way to the waters edge of the nearby lake.
Standing there over the reflection of the water, you stare in awe and wonder as you try to understand what you see before you…you take in the shape and feel your body begin to flex, to move and stretch of its own accord. You see a bloody, battered wild looking soul, with ancient mysterious eyes gazing back at you, warriors spirit, fiery soul, you take a deep breath and for the first time you purposefully lift your arms and throw your head out, crying out in joy as you FINALLY let your wings unfurl.
