Dancing in darkness and solitude

After movings things around a bit I came across some old writings I'd done years ago (decades at this point but who's counting right ^.^)

Thought I would share them here, a glimpse into my younger thoughts and psyche. 

Please do note these will range from happy, sad, detached etc as they were written in some of my darker and more troubled years.

Corner

As an old man sat in his street corner,

a young suit passed him by.

But he was forced to retrace his steps 

as he heard the old man sigh.

Perplexed he asked what was the matter,

was the old man in need of a home? 

Did his lack of food and clothing

make him feel all alone?

The old man looked on this young 'un

and shaking his head sighed again.

"I pity you boy, for though my journey is close to an end,

the one you are on is very far from done. 

You are right at the beginning.

But fear not for I will be here for you,

if you need a friend or a fresh point of view. 

My corner will always be open to you." 

The suit shook his head, dropped a penny and walked away,

but the old man just smiled and watched him make his way.

............................................................................................

As I dance along my path

I push my many memories aside. 

For though they are cherished and beloved greatly,

I have come to the awareness that only this moment in time 

has lasting value to me.

As I cast my lot in, 

move forward and back again,

in the intricate steps of the dance life is teaching me. 

..............................................................................................

I found a little piece of you 

floating above in the clouds.

As I passed by the river you called to me,

your golden voice tinkling, soft sweet words.

My spirit rose as the birds sang with you,

my feet followed their own path.

I blinked and found myself immersed in the waters,

the currents are buffering and caressing me, 

your tender touch conveyed by them

as they wash away my foolish worries. 

The sun is sinking low as the clouds fly by,

the warmth on my back, on my cheek.

Who could help but smile?

For in nature's purest moments 

I am with my maker again,

as I remember all life's wonders

and joyfully I am thankful for all my blessings. 

a

Over in Cork for a while and can't wait to see more of this beautiful country and its wonderful people ❤️.

Went for a lovely walk earlier and wanted to share some of the sights, really is an amazing place🥰.

A dear friend of mine posted something the other day that tickled a memory of another blog I had read a long time ago, but this was in fact years not months/days and I have no clue where to find it🤣. 

So I was wondering if anyone here had any suggestions, info or insights into the topic that could help us learn and explore it more.

Now I’m sure it’s not exclusive to little/middles at all but this was related to one specifically at the time (and would be used by some in future).

A color chart that breaks down words and emotions when the submissive is feeling too overwhelmed and cannot communicate properly.

Oftentimes when someone is in a deeply emotional place, overwhelmed or even extremely excited they lose their words, get jumbled up in what they’re trying to express/communicate or can become tongue tied by nerves and often crippling doubt.

This can also be known as word salad (where everything is just jumbled up inside and you know what you want to say but it comes out incoherently when you try to communicate it verbally).

Many times this is connected to triggers, trauma and situations where the person has been injured, hurt or been put into survival mode for long periods of time/similar situations.

Below is a vague recollection of what the post/blog described:

A circular chart, with base colors as the initial layer or starting point. This then has a words associated with it, and is broken down into similar words and more colors, which lead to descriptions of emotions or pictures if needed to convey the message one is trying to get across.

If anyone has any experience with this, insight or thoughts would love to hear it.

Better yet if anyone has any recommendations on how to get my hands on this kind of thing that would be even better thank you so much 🫶❤️

Rainbow bubbles and love to all, may it be a beautiful day ahead! 

I need to say in advance that my blogs over the next few weeks will most likely have triggers and potentially bring up some shit that is pretty deep (is most certainly for me). So anyone not in a good headspace or emotionally happy place may want to skip them🐾

The current frame of mind I’m in is a strange one, I feel a lot of things changing inside me. A shift of energies, emotions and consciousness, an awareness spreading that surprises me.

I recently tried to go on Tinder to make friends and try to socialise more, within a few days of being on there I quickly decided it was not for me.

With over 1300 matches and perhaps only 3 actual people I would consider talking to it quickly became very apparent that the bulk were just looking for hookups, and that there was no depth or connection to be found for the most part. Silly me for even trying right ?🤣🤦🏻‍♀️ in my defence I did try Bumble first, but they only allow you to actually communicate with people on a paid subscription and I just wasn’t keen to shell out that amount of money on something that might end up being a waste of time-which is actually exactly what tinder turned out to be🤦🏻‍♀️I got a special for a ridiculous price and decided to try a one month subscription, didn’t even last 2 weeks before the sheer unease set in, all these people “liking” me and nothing to show for it but an ill feeling of being used and a nauseating concern for how difficult just finding kindred spirits has become.

I did start speaking to a vanilla guy for a little while who I had thought had a bit of potential, only we meet for coffee and he goes in for a kiss at the end of it which for me felt very rushed , even though we’d discussed beforehand that I am Demisexual (he was unfamiliar with the term) and I’d mentioned in one of our conversations that I’d received unwanted sexual attention and touching as a child so I had some issues with a few things and wanted to take it slow🤦🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️.

Okay it’s just a kiss no biggie. But then we start talking about something, it was minor and really not a big deal (I don’t like guys spending money on me I prefer to take turns or go Dutch). He misread what I said and then it all blew out of proportion, and suddenly he’s telling me that he can understand why I’ve been ghosted so much before (another thing we’d discussed, I don’t hold back with most things I just filter them out as they come when it’s relevant). He was quick to say that it wasn’t right that I had been ghosted, but that I was in a cycle and wasn’t letting the guys in or allowing them to get to know me and that I had all these barriers up that he was having to work through etc.

All this over messaging while I’m at work already having a bit of a crappy day. After I’d already told him at the time before it all blew out of proportion that I would rather discuss and explain in person than try to in text because it could be misunderstood.

And boy was it 🤦🏻‍♀️here’s little ol me just wanting to say I’m independent and am working on allowing people to spoil me a little here and there (lots of history here for later blogs but let’s just say it’s a limit/phobia I’m trying to overcome and am aware of).

And here he goes into what I now mentally term asshat mode.

From Mr Nice guy getting to know me and willing to be patient straight to judgemental prick who’s suddenly telling me that every shitty thing that’s happened with guys in my past is my fault and I keep repeat the same behaviour blah blah blah.

And the WORST part is he can’t even SEE IT. He’s so busy pointing out that I’ll never find someone good enough for me and I won’t be happy until I “let someone in” that he doesn’t even realize what an emotional bomb he’s just dropped on me and how many triggers he’s set off by such causal disregard.

Here I am having barely known him for a week, having already told him a lot of deeply personal and vulnerable things and allowing him into my space, with my limited free time and energy only to be slammed with that and essentially shamed for my honesty and openness.

I ended the night in tears, deleting tinder and wondering if I was once again the reason for all the stupid fucked up shit and just a complete and utter lost cause.

Now I know beautiful Amethyst would tell me that he didn’t MAKE me feel any of these things and that it’s me needing to grow and move past them, but it doesn’t feel that way and that’s perhaps the tip of the needle here. A chain of events unfolding because of crossed wires and miscommunication. To actually FEEL.

Now in retrospect a lot of things went down that night that took a while to process. I told Mr Asshat I thought it was better we parted ways. He seems very surprised by this and tried to persuade me otherwise and then basically gave me an ultimatum and accused me of playing games.

He then messaged me in the morning and trying to talk me around.

I pointed out to him that a lot of his behaviour was red flags; and that he came across as very judgemental and hurtful which he seemed shocked to hear, and I said that I wasn’t in a space to emotionally deal with this and needed time to thing and process it all.

I also pointed out that nowhere in any of his messages did he apologise at all for upsetting me (I’d told him when he insisted on calling the night before to talk to me some more that I was unable to talk because I was quiet literally crying my eyes out and would be incoherent).

I said I didn’t understand why this was hitting me to hard and that I didn’t normally react that way to feedback (or in this case severe and very limited criticism) which I later realized was thanks in a large part to wonderful hormones, thank you Mother Nature for the joy of pms🫣😅.

But being more emotional didn’t change the fact that this brief encounter broke open a bit of a damn and helped me make some very strange and interesting connections and realisations that I will be discussing in my next few blogs.

And that I am actually very proud of myself for having handled things the way I did , and being able to walk away from the situation knowing that I am NOT the problem nor in some ridiculous stupid cycle pushing people away and being emotionally unavailable.

If I WAS he would never have gotten to the point of knowing so much about me and being able to upset me at all🤦🏻‍♀️ but that aside I do owe him some gratitude for helping me unearth some things and understand myself better and for that I  am grateful🐾🌷.

More to follow and hoping anyone reading this doesn’t relate (I don’t want people to feel the way I do 🥹) and that you are in a happy place having a wonderful day🦋.

I keep coming back to a strange struggle and have no idea how to move past it.

Time again I’ve had people tell me I’m too masculine, too strong or independent or assertive/aggressive. And in my younger years I’ve tried to change it or adapt to make things easier, now being older and wiser I’ve grown into myself more and can embrace/love the parts of me that others seem unable to accept.

The hard part for me is coming to the realisation that all through my life I’ve been surrounded by men but none are masculine figures in my life or been there to support/guide/protect me etc.

I can count on two fingers men that I would say behaved like the father I wish I had had, looking out for me and nurturing me in small ways. I can count another two men that have in their own way been great support structures and positive influences, but again no constant masculine presence.

There are so many times, ways and places I’ve literally ached inside silently wishing to have someone to lean on, turn to, even just a hand to hold-yet nowhere do they seem to be found.

It’s like at every turn when there’s something that needs to be done I have to step up and do it because the males just don’t. This began from my early childhood years and has been a pretty strong and consistent thing throughout my life.

In hindsight all my relationships have also not been masculine/feminine balance. My submissive side and need to care for/serve has been there in abundance and often mistreated or unappreciated but I feel I’ve been unable to bring out my feminine side and just let go because when it comes to things needing to be done I’m left standing alone and need to turn back to being self sufficient and independent again.

Don’t get me wrong I love being independent and able to take care of myself, not needing to run to someone for everything because I can get by on my own. But I don’t want to be that girl all the time, it’s exhausting.

How do I trust men and find positive masculinity when everywhere I seem to turn there is an absence?