Dancing in darkness and solitude

I keep coming back to a strange struggle and have no idea how to move past it.

Time again I’ve had people tell me I’m too masculine, too strong or independent or assertive/aggressive. And in my younger years I’ve tried to change it or adapt to make things easier, now being older and wiser I’ve grown into myself more and can embrace/love the parts of me that others seem unable to accept.

The hard part for me is coming to the realisation that all through my life I’ve been surrounded by men but none are masculine figures in my life or been there to support/guide/protect me etc.

I can count on two fingers men that I would say behaved like the father I wish I had had, looking out for me and nurturing me in small ways. I can count another two men that have in their own way been great support structures and positive influences, but again no constant masculine presence.

There are so many times, ways and places I’ve literally ached inside silently wishing to have someone to lean on, turn to, even just a hand to hold-yet nowhere do they seem to be found.

It’s like at every turn when there’s something that needs to be done I have to step up and do it because the males just don’t. This began from my early childhood years and has been a pretty strong and consistent thing throughout my life.

In hindsight all my relationships have also not been masculine/feminine balance. My submissive side and need to care for/serve has been there in abundance and often mistreated or unappreciated but I feel I’ve been unable to bring out my feminine side and just let go because when it comes to things needing to be done I’m left standing alone and need to turn back to being self sufficient and independent again.

Don’t get me wrong I love being independent and able to take care of myself, not needing to run to someone for everything because I can get by on my own. But I don’t want to be that girl all the time, it’s exhausting.

How do I trust men and find positive masculinity when everywhere I seem to turn there is an absence?

What is it about some that makes people shy away, keep their distance and disappear? 

I was once told by my birth mother that there is a darkness in me that scares people. Yet in many ways she’s a large part of why the darkness is there. The reasons for scars, hurts and cuts so deep they may never heal. Her and countless others that have helped the darkness grow.

People can’t handle damaged goods. It makes them aware of their own demons, inadequacy and shame. They don’t know how to be around it and just accept, they either hide and scurry away of try to fix/solve/cover it up. 

I am fine with my darkness, it blankets me and keeps me safe from other demons , my monsters fight for me and protect me, as I make my weaknesses my strengths.

But it can be oh so get tiring and lonely, always on the outside looking in and wondering why the rules always feel so different for me and that there’s no connection.

Always wondering what might have been if the darkness was never let in…

She smells of sex and madness

A fiery mix of thunder and hints of sadness

Shrouded in mystery, bathed in abandon

She hides away searching for magic and unspoken chances…

Biding time and chasing clouds

On butterfly wings and the wild imaginings.

She is the calm before the storm, the eye in the centre and the tranquil peace that comes after,

All rolled into a bundle of joy and bubbly laughter.

The hilarity of the situation as a whole is just gobsmacking???.

I don’t do pics, I hate them. And yet for some unknown reason I was totally game to post my second ever butt pic for Jack’s challenge, only to be thwarted by my lack of subscription and be denied the ability to do so?. I feel scandalised that what would have essentially been me getting past a hurdle/fear of mine has resulted in this??‍♀️?.

I specially put on a g string and had a good few giggles while trying to figure out how the heck to get a half decent butt pick while trying not to topple over in the process. And then I wondered why it’s so seemingly easy for me to do so now, when I balk at it when asked from others one on one? very curious indeed.

Or not because I can’t post it apparently ??‍♀️

This is a question I find coming back to me frequently of late, and it’s something I don’t have an answer to just yet. I can say with resounding certainty that what is currently going on in my life is not it, but what “it” is remains uncertain.

I have things I would wish for, hope for, am trying to work towards but at the end of the day they all just seem to be whispers in the wind that drift away amongst the clouds. I know there is a lot more to life than I am currently capable of, and there are so many wonderful beautiful things, places and adventures to be had. But it seems I always fall back into the same cycle of biding my time while waiting for better days.

You have to reap before you sow, I understand this and it’s one of my constant reminders, I just feel a little directionless and empty, which is most certainly not where I’d hoped to be at this point in my life.