Dancing in darkness and solitude

Capable, competent and confident.

All three of these words mean similar things, all bleed into one another and for the most part would be found together.

Over the years people learn skills, coping mechanisms and behaviours that allow them to adapt to their lifestyles, give them the best advantages possible and let them manage their stress and day to day life.

Ideally these would also help build self assurance, a solid disposition and a humble yet courteous demeanour over time.

But what happens when the sense of self is taken out of the equation? When the lifeskills learned as a child become destructive over time and lead to toxic productivity, obsessive perfectionism and suffocating performance standards that are impossible to maintain?

If the inherent lessons that should be learned as a child -essential building blocks of life as it were- are completely removed and have been surpassed by decades and somehow left behind , the foundation that was built will eventually come crumbling and crashing down falling apart around a bewildered and highly efficient but ultimately socially and emotionally inept person drowning in a disconnected void , trying to mesh together loose wires and missing pieces with no idea how to go about it.

I think that over time this has been everyone to some extent or another, walking around with a simmering low key trauma and emotional deluge of emptiness that they try their best to wade through as they navigate all the crazy new emotions, sensations and energies they come across in life.

What is most likely needed is new building blocks to help buffer and strengthen old skills and habits/coping mechanisms that do work, while replacing the older ones that may have helped in survival mode but no longer serve a purpose on the current journey.

If anyone has advice or experience in this I would love some feedback and input as this is something I’m currently struggling with myself.

Wishing whoever is reading this a wonderful day and some happiness wherever you may be🦋🐾

New place, new pace, new start. Things are finally progressing and I am now newly arrived in the UK for new adventures. Only time will tell how things go from here, but I for one am keen to see what life has in store for me and to make the most of it. I have a lot of learning to do, reading to catch up on and things to explore. I very much look forward to it with what I hope will become joyful anticipation 🐾☺️😍

Just when I think things are getting a semblance of normalcy something else comes along and shakes my globe, unsettling it all again and causing more chaos. 

Something that should have been an exciting, joyful and wonderful experience has now dragged along and become on of the most trying and emotionally exhausting periods of my life, and tainted the entire experience. 

The journey forward instead of being an adventure is now shadowed with dark clouds of doom and gloom, emotional distress and great imbalance and although my mind and heart know I'm making the best decisions I can given the circumstances, that doesn't make it any easier to do. 

Sometimes I wish everything could just fade away for a little while so I could actually breath again, if only for a little while. 

When do you start to feel again? When does the hollow emptiness go away and just let you breathe? When does the rigid nothingness slip away and allow the other feelings to settle in?

Because the constant physical and emotional drain is exhausting, and the mental backlash of it is soul numbing.

The darkness enveloping and carrying you forward in the blink of an eye, days...weeks-months fly by and you're just floating in the constant dreary blankness of it. Feels like you should be screaming, crying, happy, angry or sad but there's just nothing. Just the emptiness and no energy to even care.

Like reading a blank book, no beginning or end.

Family reunion and meeting the new additions 🤗☺️🐾🦋they are love and happiness to me, the light after a very dark place ❤️

It never ceases to amaze me how whenever there's a new thing in front of us the first instinct is usually to reject.

To walk away, stall and avoid. The passive internal cock block of personal growth.

The ever constant need to fight change.

Yet the very thing prompting these actions is usually a deep and often unacknowledged need and craving for exactly that - change. The everyday becomes so suffocating, paralyzing and emotionally numbing and yet there's that something...that empty dead weight that seems to hold you back.

And then the thoughts begin. The second guessing, the internal debate of how necessary all of it is. The best to worst case scenario (and if you're an overthinker like moi every other reason and possible outcome under the sun follows🤣🤷🏻‍♀️🙄).

You're left with a dead weight inside of you, just a blank empty nothingness and an enormous blanket of mental and emotional exhaustion, yet another diversion from your mind and subconscious trying to "save" you from yourself. 

So you learn to shut it all out. The good thoughts with the bad ones, you don't look down or contemplate, you take a deep breath, hold it and teach yourself to jump before thinking, because thoughts become your enemy just as surely as waiting does. And neither thinking or waiting will bring you any closer to your end goal. 

Sometime you just have to suck it up and take the plunge, because that's how the first step begins.