Dancing in darkness and solitude

What is it about some that makes people shy away, keep their distance and disappear? 

I was once told by my birth mother that there is a darkness in me that scares people. Yet in many ways she’s a large part of why the darkness is there. The reasons for scars, hurts and cuts so deep they may never heal. Her and countless others that have helped the darkness grow.

People can’t handle damaged goods. It makes them aware of their own demons, inadequacy and shame. They don’t know how to be around it and just accept, they either hide and scurry away of try to fix/solve/cover it up. 

I am fine with my darkness, it blankets me and keeps me safe from other demons , my monsters fight for me and protect me, as I make my weaknesses my strengths.

But it can be oh so get tiring and lonely, always on the outside looking in and wondering why the rules always feel so different for me and that there’s no connection.

Always wondering what might have been if the darkness was never let in…

She smells of sex and madness

A fiery mix of thunder and hints of sadness

Shrouded in mystery, bathed in abandon

She hides away searching for magic and unspoken chances…

Biding time and chasing clouds

On butterfly wings and the wild imaginings.

She is the calm before the storm, the eye in the centre and the tranquil peace that comes after,

All rolled into a bundle of joy and bubbly laughter.

The hilarity of the situation as a whole is just gobsmacking🤣🙈🤭.

I don’t do pics, I hate them. And yet for some unknown reason I was totally game to post my second ever butt pic for Jack’s challenge, only to be thwarted by my lack of subscription and be denied the ability to do so🥹. I feel scandalised that what would have essentially been me getting past a hurdle/fear of mine has resulted in this🤦🏻‍♀️😂.

I specially put on a g string and had a good few giggles while trying to figure out how the heck to get a half decent butt pick while trying not to topple over in the process. And then I wondered why it’s so seemingly easy for me to do so now, when I balk at it when asked from others one on one🤔 very curious indeed.

Or not because I can’t post it apparently 🤦🏻‍♀️

This is a question I find coming back to me frequently of late, and it’s something I don’t have an answer to just yet. I can say with resounding certainty that what is currently going on in my life is not it, but what “it” is remains uncertain.

I have things I would wish for, hope for, am trying to work towards but at the end of the day they all just seem to be whispers in the wind that drift away amongst the clouds. I know there is a lot more to life than I am currently capable of, and there are so many wonderful beautiful things, places and adventures to be had. But it seems I always fall back into the same cycle of biding my time while waiting for better days.

You have to reap before you sow, I understand this and it’s one of my constant reminders, I just feel a little directionless and empty, which is most certainly not where I’d hoped to be at this point in my life.

I ask this because it’s not about handling it, it’s about how to let go once it’s already taken place and detach from the emotions  behind it.

I know we cannot blame others for how we feel or say they caused certain feelings or emotions by their words and actions, but at the same time we can be hurt and affected by others behaviour and most definitely be triggered by it as well.

At the end of the day it’s easy to say that rejection from others doesn’t mean anything if you love and value yourself, but in practice and when things come down to it there’s still that little voice that says it’s because we’re not good enough or lacking in some way, and would be happier or liked better if we do blah blah blah.

That craves the reassurance and connection that comes from positive interactions and validation.

Would love to hear feedback and thoughts on this as it’s something I’m struggling with a bit mentally to process.

So many times in the last few weeks I’ve found instances where I come across something and know inside I could have done it better, been more organised, put in more effort or detail.

Simple things, small ways to make my life easier in the future and that I would normally do without a second thought. And it bothers me more than I think it should ( let’s be realistic here there’s a sliding scale of how “good/bad” things are and how guilty you should feel about it). 

This then leads to thoughts on how this came about, what changed or altered my inherent behaviours and when did I start slipping, spinning for lack of a better word. I understand intellectually that this is part of emotional burnout , and that some of the things I expect of myself falls under perfectionism and toxic productivity, but there’s still that niggly little part of me that expects more of myself, and that whisper of disappointment that goes with it when these instances occur. 

I have resolved to try my best not to let it get to me too much , and to make small adjustments as I go to gradually improve things overall so that’s at least some progress if nothing else. 

Sometimes even just knowing that you’re struggling and deciding to gently work on it is improvement enough 🐾🦋🌸.

Has anyone had similar experiences and/or have advice on this?