Dancing in darkness and solitude

Family reunion and meeting the new additions 🤗☺️🐾🦋they are love and happiness to me, the light after a very dark place ❤️

It never ceases to amaze me how whenever there's a new thing in front of us the first instinct is usually to reject.

To walk away, stall and avoid. The passive internal cock block of personal growth.

The ever constant need to fight change.

Yet the very thing prompting these actions is usually a deep and often unacknowledged need and craving for exactly that - change. The everyday becomes so suffocating, paralyzing and emotionally numbing and yet there's that something...that empty dead weight that seems to hold you back.

And then the thoughts begin. The second guessing, the internal debate of how necessary all of it is. The best to worst case scenario (and if you're an overthinker like moi every other reason and possible outcome under the sun follows🤣🤷🏻‍♀️🙄).

You're left with a dead weight inside of you, just a blank empty nothingness and an enormous blanket of mental and emotional exhaustion, yet another diversion from your mind and subconscious trying to "save" you from yourself. 

So you learn to shut it all out. The good thoughts with the bad ones, you don't look down or contemplate, you take a deep breath, hold it and teach yourself to jump before thinking, because thoughts become your enemy just as surely as waiting does. And neither thinking or waiting will bring you any closer to your end goal. 

Sometime you just have to suck it up and take the plunge, because that's how the first step begins. 

Sometimes things happen in our lives.. To us or around us, in our work or our personal spaces. Some of them are minor, others are game changers. World shaking and foundation breaking.

We are forced into situations we never even dreamed possible and have to make choices that we feel are against everything we want or need. Change happens, life moves on and the world keeps spinning. Time moves on and life carries on like nothing has happened. But to you everything irrevocably has.

And one day you sit with this, reassess and come to the scary shocking understanding that maybe the choices were made for you and you were being redirected because the path you were on held nothing for you. A dead end, closed doors, heartache or so many other possibilities, but not the ones you needed-to flourish and grow.

And the realization dawns on you that had you been given the option, you would not have made the choice you now have in front of you.

With this hindsight comes the knowledge of things you didn't know at that time, conversations you never heard. Thoughts and actions you would never be privy to. Words said and thought that resulted in actions that may not have ever been in your best interest, and in no way served you in the person you are becoming. You see a different side of life, people, human nature. You see walls fall and facades crumble when you no longer serve the purpose they needed you for. 

And although you weep for the shattered possibility of what may have been, you also have happy tears of gratitude for the new life and understanding that these changes bring.

Like a huge storm that passes and clears out so much darkness, washes away the deep hurt and pain you didn't even see creeping up on you. It brings wisdom and new insights into the you before, and the people you thought you knew.

Like a seed that grows roots before branches, sometimes we need storms to uproot us and carry us away to a different place in our lives. And once the storm has passed, and we settle the roots and once again dig deep, we can then reach out towards the sky and grow in ways not possible before the changes were forced upon us with a strength we never knew we had.

Sometimes I have to just sit for a while.

Just be and think and process.
Let all the pieces of me jumping around inside just sink and settle in.

Allow the thoughts and jumbled up memories, wishes wants and needs die down into a peaceful whisper, a silent acknowledging of what is.

My heart trembles with want, as mind grieves in memory, and thought aches with what could have been.

But it all sits there in the silence and just basks in the crazy unraveling.

Marvels at the universe of infinite change, the uncomfortable growth and the little things-the tiny seeds that go with the need to let go and just breathe.

https://fb.watch/gzlK6tRe1N/