Dancing in darkness and solitude

I ask this because it’s not about handling it, it’s about how to let go once it’s already taken place and detach from the emotions  behind it.

I know we cannot blame others for how we feel or say they caused certain feelings or emotions by their words and actions, but at the same time we can be hurt and affected by others behaviour and most definitely be triggered by it as well.

At the end of the day it’s easy to say that rejection from others doesn’t mean anything if you love and value yourself, but in practice and when things come down to it there’s still that little voice that says it’s because we’re not good enough or lacking in some way, and would be happier or liked better if we do blah blah blah.

That craves the reassurance and connection that comes from positive interactions and validation.

Would love to hear feedback and thoughts on this as it’s something I’m struggling with a bit mentally to process.

So many times in the last few weeks I’ve found instances where I come across something and know inside I could have done it better, been more organised, put in more effort or detail.

Simple things, small ways to make my life easier in the future and that I would normally do without a second thought. And it bothers me more than I think it should ( let’s be realistic here there’s a sliding scale of how “good/bad” things are and how guilty you should feel about it). 

This then leads to thoughts on how this came about, what changed or altered my inherent behaviours and when did I start slipping, spinning for lack of a better word. I understand intellectually that this is part of emotional burnout , and that some of the things I expect of myself falls under perfectionism and toxic productivity, but there’s still that niggly little part of me that expects more of myself, and that whisper of disappointment that goes with it when these instances occur. 

I have resolved to try my best not to let it get to me too much , and to make small adjustments as I go to gradually improve things overall so that’s at least some progress if nothing else. 

Sometimes even just knowing that you’re struggling and deciding to gently work on it is improvement enough ???.

Has anyone had similar experiences and/or have advice on this? 

Capable, competent and confident.

All three of these words mean similar things, all bleed into one another and for the most part would be found together.

Over the years people learn skills, coping mechanisms and behaviours that allow them to adapt to their lifestyles, give them the best advantages possible and let them manage their stress and day to day life.

Ideally these would also help build self assurance, a solid disposition and a humble yet courteous demeanour over time.

But what happens when the sense of self is taken out of the equation? When the lifeskills learned as a child become destructive over time and lead to toxic productivity, obsessive perfectionism and suffocating performance standards that are impossible to maintain?

If the inherent lessons that should be learned as a child -essential building blocks of life as it were- are completely removed and have been surpassed by decades and somehow left behind , the foundation that was built will eventually come crumbling and crashing down falling apart around a bewildered and highly efficient but ultimately socially and emotionally inept person drowning in a disconnected void , trying to mesh together loose wires and missing pieces with no idea how to go about it.

I think that over time this has been everyone to some extent or another, walking around with a simmering low key trauma and emotional deluge of emptiness that they try their best to wade through as they navigate all the crazy new emotions, sensations and energies they come across in life.

What is most likely needed is new building blocks to help buffer and strengthen old skills and habits/coping mechanisms that do work, while replacing the older ones that may have helped in survival mode but no longer serve a purpose on the current journey.

If anyone has advice or experience in this I would love some feedback and input as this is something I’m currently struggling with myself.

Wishing whoever is reading this a wonderful day and some happiness wherever you may be??

New place, new pace, new start. Things are finally progressing and I am now newly arrived in the UK for new adventures. Only time will tell how things go from here, but I for one am keen to see what life has in store for me and to make the most of it. I have a lot of learning to do, reading to catch up on and things to explore. I very much look forward to it with what I hope will become joyful anticipation ?☺️?

Just when I think things are getting a semblance of normalcy something else comes along and shakes my globe, unsettling it all again and causing more chaos. 

Something that should have been an exciting, joyful and wonderful experience has now dragged along and become on of the most trying and emotionally exhausting periods of my life, and tainted the entire experience. 

The journey forward instead of being an adventure is now shadowed with dark clouds of doom and gloom, emotional distress and great imbalance and although my mind and heart know I'm making the best decisions I can given the circumstances, that doesn't make it any easier to do. 

Sometimes I wish everything could just fade away for a little while so I could actually breath again, if only for a little while. 

When do you start to feel again? When does the hollow emptiness go away and just let you breathe? When does the rigid nothingness slip away and allow the other feelings to settle in?

Because the constant physical and emotional drain is exhausting, and the mental backlash of it is soul numbing.

The darkness enveloping and carrying you forward in the blink of an eye, days...weeks-months fly by and you're just floating in the constant dreary blankness of it. Feels like you should be screaming, crying, happy, angry or sad but there's just nothing. Just the emptiness and no energy to even care.

Like reading a blank book, no beginning or end.