I remember early memories of me actually topping myself in my own mind. It was not just sexual . The thoughts were just there even though I lived in a small rural town in Kansas. I was never exposed to any alternative lifestyle . Maybe I have been dominated before in another life. I'm a very strong being but, I had this need to be owned by someone.
I actually asked some of my boyfriends to talk to other girls and flirt with them in front of me because it gave me a feeling of submitting to the scenario. I felt like If I watched patiently and stayed quiet I was a good girl even though it made me jealous.
I had thoughts of being restrained and looked after and told what to do. I thought of someone being in charge of me . I felt like that bond and connection would be so deep that I would know when the person was around even if I could not physically see them. I would know if they came into a building that I was in even if they were on the other side . I could feel them and sense them. The thoughts had a lot of masochism. I would give myself pain to satisfy the needs. I would hear in my mind what they would be saying to me, how they would talk to me to comfort me and tell me that I was good. They would tell me they knew I could take it for them . That's how it all started......
I tried to live in vanilla relationships. I dont know why i didnt actually seek out the lifestyle but I just accepted my life how it was and kept trying. Of course I never fit in.
In 2009 I was on my second marriage when I watched a show about swingers. I convinced my husband to start going to parties. Even though I know that swinging is not bdsm . I just knew that the show allured me because it was not something normal people did. One of the swingers parties led me to speaking to a couple that lived bdsm. They invited me to a local party. I dragged my husband along . I seen a demonstration of a Master and slave and she was strapped to the table ...i had to be held back because I wanted it to be me.
Fast forward to now. That marriage ended long ago and I did start getting some experience in the lifestyle. I need it on a very deep spiritual level. Its from what I can tell is older school ways. I have met someone that I feel is my true Master and Mate. Everything He is is how I always knew it would be. There are certain things that are not ordinary even for bdsm that were in my thoughts .My Master has always carried out in actions and thoughts and words the scenarios that were exactly in my mind.
People often overlook that deep bdsm is carried over into every part of life. He is always there in my mind. We have had a lot of bumps along the journey but from the very first conversations , if I go back to them and feel them even if he is not talking to me , all of me reacts, including my energy and soul and spirit.