The lotus flower is remarkable for it is rooted in mud, surrounded by water and darkness, yet somehow it finds a way to bloom and grow. A lotus is a survivor, it pushes its way through muddy waters and finds the sunlight. It raises itself above the murk to bloom unstained. For this reason, it is often a symbol of divine perfection and the realization of inner potential, of beauty in the face of adversity.
I aspire to be like the lotus, to bloom despite the adversity I've experienced in my life. For years I had convinced myself that I would never find love, nor know peace, or acceptance. Even if I found a way, I would never be worthy anyhow. I thought that my experiences had not only broken me, but that they had marred me in ways I could never recover from and had damaged me fundamentally as a person. What rational and loving Dominant would ever want me? I've got so much baggage! I'm a such a complicated mess, no Dominant in the world would ever want to put in the effort, none could, and any that would say they'd try are either full of shit or just abusers in-waiting. I have done so much over the years out of fear and despair. Though these doubts and fears were valid given all I'd been through, it was still a very toxic mindset.
After much inner-work and therapy, I am finally realizing how wrong I've been. I was always Worthy, I just didn't know it. I was never broken, just hurting. A Lot. And not in a sexy way. I'd pour all my energy into my relationships so I didn't have to do the work I needed to. I had this unconscious expectation that my partner could heal my pain for me. To be owned and collared may be like the ultimate expression of love, peace, and acceptance to me, but I'd been approaching things all wrong. A collar is not going to heal me and all my inner BS isn't going to fuck off and die just because my Dominant gave it The Look TM and used The Voice TM (subs know what I'm talking about). Healing doesn't work that way and it was unfair to my partners to expect it to. The Bestest most Uberest Alpha Domly-Dom/me in the Universe can only help me towards healing, they can't do it for me. The most glamourous eternity collar is a poor substitute for real essentials like Self -Love, Forgiveness, Self-Respect, and Self-Compassion. Only I can give myself that.
Inner-work is hard. Growing is more than a little uncomfortable. But for the first time in years, I'm actually excited to begin developing my submission again! I even bought a workbook from submissiveguide.com because I like structure when I'm taking on so much abstract. Don't get me wrong, I still have plenty of emotional-traumatic muck to work through, but I'm finally starting to feel the most encouraging sensation anyone who's ever been stuck has felt: Progress.
The lotus is survivor and so am I. The rest is just mud.
- Anima
