The Internal & External Struggles of Submission
"What internal struggles are you currently feeling in your submission? Are they riddled with interference?"
The internal struggle: Presently, I'm working through a substantial emotional block that arose after choosing to break some old toxic relationship patterns and exchanging them for healthier things like boundaries, communication, and enthusiastic consent. Making these new choices meant choosing different, less traveled paths. Now I'm in new map altogether, opening new dialogue trees, and trying to stay safe... while feeling wildly insecure of every step.
The interference: fearful, guarded/mistrusting, avoidant, overworked, burnt-out, poor basic-self care, illness, mental health
Now that I'm making different choices, I feel less secure and my "monkey mind" does not like that. So I've become guarded and walled off from the vulnerability I need to access to feel the way I want to feel and play the way I want to play.
Additionally, this insecurity has led to a persistent cycle of avoidance, overwork, and burnout. Instead of showing up for myself in the areas that matter I put in longer and longer hours at work. Who has time for kink, or art, or dance, or magick when you're doing important adult things like making money? I can't hear the negative self-talk over the sound of all this productivity!
I inevitably over-do it though, and get sick because my self-care went out the window with the baby and bathwater, exacerbating my anxiety and depression.
"What external struggles are you having to work around?" I work around 60 hours every week so my free time is limited. My work requires me to interact and socialize with clients near constantly, due to my introverted nature this means my energy/spoons are limited too. I also live in close proximity to my clients and workspace, so privacy is extra important.
"What external struggles are overwhelming you? How should you conquer them?" Time management! If I could implement a schedule, I think I'd not only be able to make time for myself but be more effective at work too. Guess it's high time I get on that (and not just binge admin day and bujo videos).
Reset Your "Feel Submissive" Button
When was the last time you felt the need to take a submissive break? It's been years since I have been in service to anyone. I imagine that I would need a break during illness or an emotionally challenging event.
Does needing to take some time away mean that you aren't really a full-time submissive? It certainly does not.
Do Dominants need similar breaks? Why or why not? Of course they do! A Dominant or Top may need break for any of the same reasons a submissive or bottom might. They're human beings too!
ACTIVITY: Proactive, Reactive, and Anticipatory Service
(1) I would feel happiest if I made my Dominant a drink before being asked.
(2) I would be most satisfied if my Dominant praised me each time I followed their instruction.
(2) I feel most disappointed in myself when I realize that I was expected to follow on-going instructions from days ago.
(2) I would feel happiest if my Dominant gave me specific instructions each time they wanted a task done, even if the task has become part of our routine.
(1) I would be most satisfied if I could anticipate my Dominant's basic needs with as little prompting from my Dominant as possible.
REFLECTION: Reactive Service
So according to the numbers above (most 2's), I'm primarily driven by Reactive Service. I don't love those results but this is to be expected given that I'm not serving anyone presently. I'm sure I'll grow into more Proactive or Anticipatory Service when I know what perfect looks like to the Dominant I serve.
Its true, don't want to guess, I want to get it right the first time! If I'm to please, I'd prefer to be guided and shown how. I am absolutely the submissive that does the dishes I was tasked to but leaves the dirty clothes untouched. Mind, this is not because I didn't notice, but because I don't know if I'm allowed to touch the clothing or if there are preferences that exist. I prefer to assume my Dominant is particular in all things until I'm told otherwise. You could say I'd rather ask first, than apologize for overstepping boundaries or doing something wrong after.
And feedback! Please give me feedback! How else can I guarantee that I did something right if I'm not told? Praise is most certainly an ego boost, but more importantly it also gives me direction. Am I even on the right track? If not, I want to know so I can correct errors as soon as possible. Moan, pet me and tell me I'm a good girl, tell me that you like what I'm doing. I want to know!
- Anima