my mouth is a fire escape

2 weeks ago a 16 year old non-binary high school student was beaten to death in the girl's bathroom at school in Owasso, Oklahoma. Specifics about the case are still unclear, but the implications are clearer than my mother's crystal. This beautiful child was MURDERED as a result of the beating in the bathroom, arguably one of the least safe places in public for any trans, non-binary, and gender nonconforming person. After several minutes, a teacher interceded, and no medical treatment was provided to Nex (the school stated that the students were looked over by the nurse. If they had been the extent of Nex's injuries should have triggered medical intervention (cuts, wounds, and scratches all over their head, amongst other things). to add insult to injury (death?) the school suspended Nex for 2 weeks for "fighting." They later collapsed and went to the hospital, where they died.  

We are just hearing about this now. Major news outlets are still slow in reporting what happened and many are misgendering Nex intentionally (initially in their grief, Nex's parents misgendered them as well. They have since issued a statement apologizing and ensuring that Nex's headstone, etc. will be properly gendered). The school has issued a CYA statement outlining the steps that were taken and stating that a nurse.  The police department is refusing to make a case of this yet, as they are "not sure if there were other health conditions that caused Nex's death." 

It doesn't fucking matter if there were any outlying health conditions; the beating that Nex suffered was surely a mitigating factor and caused any sort of flare up, if this even occured. Some people have said that Nex had a tendency to run their mouth. Is a teenager running their mouth a death sentence? If so I would have been gone long ago; I was a good kid but my mouth had no limits, especially when it came to my parents. 

The school district had been targeted by the group Libs of Tiktok. This is a far-right hate group founded by known agitator Chaya Raichik, to bring light to left-wing issues and to target anyone with a non-hateful agenda. An Owasso teacher was targeted for encouraing students to love themselves despite outside pressures, adding that “if your parents don’t accept you for who you are, fuck them.” This teacher was harassed and had multiple death threats, leading to their resignation.

Instead of taking this targeting seriously, the superintendent rewarded Raichik by offering her a position supervising school libraries and choosing what books are and are not appropriate. 

This is why I am so anti "discussion." The time has come for people to educate themselves (the resources are out there and I'm working on a comprehensive list of them) and quit relying on trans, non-binary, and gender non-conforming folx to make themselves vulnerable to hate by engaging in these "discussions." ESPECIALLY on a site focused on expression of sexual freedom. There isn't time to argue about the validity of identities or how you want people to tell you what's between their legs. Now is the time to simply fucking ACCEPT. You don't have to fuck or date anyone you don't want to. You don't need to "understand" someone's experience to accept them. You literally just have to not be an asshole and let people live their lives. 

Discuss dynamics. Favorite toys. Relationship issues. Roles. Sex positions. History. The best kind of boots (haha jk. The only answer to this is Wescos). But not people's inherent identities. 

A beautiful baby is dead because people are dragging the discussion out for far too long. 

This is why I refuse to shut the fuck up. 

Rest in Power, Nex Benedict. I'm sorry we failed you. 

How many cis het people ever hold their bladder cause they get hassled in the library bathroom? 

This is why bigotry disguised as discussion (and I will double down on that phrase, even if you disagree) is an issue and something I don't keep my mouth shut on. 

I'm a researcher and will happily post plenty of peer reviewed literature later. 

But not right now. Cause I have to go find a fucking toilet to piss in. 

I've been accused of causing chaos but there is literally no one who causes it more than this guy.

Meet Stanley. He's a 4 month old Chinese Crested. There are some cuties on this site but sorry... This guy takes the cake.

Hockey season is full of ups and downs. 

One of my favorite bands of all time. Losing Dolores O'Riordan right before I was supposed to see them was devastating. RIP. 

Zombie is easily one of their best songs. 

Another head hangs lowly
Child is slowly taken
And the violence caused such silence
Who are we mistaken?
But you see, it's not me
It's not my family
In your head, in your head, they are fighting
With their tanks and their bombs
And their bombs and their guns

In your head, in your head,

they are crying
In your head, in your head
Zombie, zombie, zombie-ie-ie
What's in your head, in your head?
Zombie, zombie, zombie-ie-ie-ie, oh
Do, do, do, do
Do, do, do, do
Do, do, do, do
Do, do, do, do
Another mother's breaking
Heart is taking over
When the violence causes silence
We must be mistaken
It's the same old theme
Since nineteen-sixteen
In your head, in your head, they're still fighting
With their tanks and their bombs
And their bombs and their guns
In your head, in your head, they are dying
In your head, in your head
Zombie, zombie, zombie-ie-ie
What's in your head, in your head?
Zombie, zombie, zombie-ie-ie-ie
Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh, eh-eh oh, ya-ya

Other folx may be miserable and lonely but I'm surrounded by my Beloved and our brand new puppy and my life couldn't be better. I'm a leader in my Leather community, killing it in my career, and am wrapped in the love of my beautiful, diverse, community. 

This site (it's not a community, by any means) actually is important to me  because it's where I met my Beloved and it saddens me that a bunch of folx with views that do not align with the spirit of kink (ummm thank your queer and trans ancestors for the openness of kink or quit co-opting your fictitious views of "old guard" and Leather). I hate that new trans folx might come on here and have to read threads poking fun at how they identify, or expect them to constantly do the labor of teaching about themselves. I'm called entitled but I'm not the one asking people to designate what's between their legs with an acronym. Cishetero folx have no right to ask this and can kindly keep their ignorance in their PMs or blogs. 

I might come off as an asshole, but I'm an asshole who cares a lot more about the lives of my trans and queer siblings than your cishetero feelings. 

So, I'll continue living my beautiful life and pitying those whose lives suck so much that they have nothing better to do than come on here and spew hate. 

🦆🦆🦆🦆🦆🦆🦆🦆

"Life was easier when you were what you were born,"

"They isn't grammatically correct,"

"I just don't understand it, it's too complicated,"

"I need someone to explain it to me."

"Why did you *choose* to be that way?"

Nobody who identifies differently than you owes you any sort of information about their identity or especially what's in their pants. It's 2024- there are plenty of sites where folx have already done the emotional labor to explain these topics. A kink site is literally the last place where ignorance should rear its ugly head in the name of "education" or "curiosity." You have no idea how time consuming and tiring it is to be expected to be an on demand dictionary for someone who doesn't want to do the work of educating themselves first. When someone chooses to disclose what's between their legs is up to them, and then it's up to you to decide if that's something you want. Joking about people creating acronyms to tell you what's between their legs is just tacky and would get you laughed out of the real life scene (if you're associating with anyone decent, which I suspect many on here wouldn't). 

We don't need new acronyms. There is plenty of language to describe who and what we are. If you don't understand it, it's on you to learn. Just like if I were to go to a country with a different language I wouldn't pick some rando who looks like they might be from there and expect them to explain it all to me, I'd use a damn website or app. Make relationships and then learn the culture this way. It's really not hard, and I'm tired of seeing it on this site. 

Some redneck kid in my neck of the woods checked out Djinni's ass today and yelled a compliment to her from his truck. I looked over from my car to agree and he yelled "fuck you dyke" to me as he drove away. We had a shared experience of thinking that Djinni has a GREAT ass and I wasn't going to yell at him, I was going to agree ( I have a bit of a kink for people thinking my partners are hot- I get to take them home, not the commenter, lol. No jealousy at all). Instead, he decided to limit his experience of me to what I look like. I am a dyke, and I look like a dyke. But he didn't know she was with me and he interpreted me, using his limited understanding, to be an angry lesbian. I shouldn't have had to educate him in that moment- he's a big boy, old enough to drive his daddy's truck, and he should know it's 2024 and we don't talk like that anymore (and really he shouldn't cat call women in Dutch Bros parking lot, but like I said, a compliment's a compliment). 

It's exhausting to live as someone "different" and I'm not even trans. I'm a cisgender woman and I identify with the sex I was assigned at birth. I'm a bit more masculine than center, but still all she/her. Feeling defensive everytime I walk into a bathroom outside of urban areas is ridiculous. I don't owe it to homophobic old women to let them know that I'm one of them; that I have the perceived bits and pieces to be allowed to pee in that bathroom. 

I say all this to make it clear that the thinly veiled homo and transphobia that occurs on this site isn't missed. Making jokes about identifying in one way or another "Oh I'm a man but I identify as a lesbian, haha," "I'm not cis, I'm normal," Life was easier when..." is hurtful and shaming. People go through a lot to figure out their identities and a kink site is not where you should be touting your ignorance. 

I've said it time and time again, but bigotry is not owed conversation. I'm tired of how queer and trans people are talked about on this site and I'm going to get snarky and I don't care if someone feels that they are morally superior because they can "converse" about it. Our identities are not up for discussion or requirements to disclose. In this political climate it is danger to look like me, or identify as trans, or gender queer, or anywhere on that spectrum. You can disagree all you want, but I posted an experience I had not even an hour ago. 

I get that this is a site mostly for folx who'll never step foot in the real life scene, but that's a bummer, because you'd have the opportunity to face the people you speak so cavalierly of. The community I surround myself in is diverse and beautiful, and none of us require check-ins about our genitalia. Old people need to get over their entitlement to "understand" and do the god damn work themselves, then build some fucking relationships if you want to experience the life of someone different than you. 

Ignorance doesn't deserve a conversation. 

Lots of self-disclosure in this blog.... I'm not bragging, I'm just citing my sources. 

I am a third year doctoral student in the social sciences. As such, I am also a researcher and and educator. Many say social sciences aren't a real science... well, the statistics software that is currently eating up my computer's memory begs to differ. My work influences public policy and social work practice. I also teach masters level students and have the opportunity to present at national conferences. 

In addition, I have over 15 years of practical experience in my field. I've spent in the non-profit and government levels of my area of work, did direct care work, middle management, supervised interns, trained etc. Again, I say this to set up my argument and cite my sources, not to toot my own horn (I'm actually fairly humble about most things... ask Djinni... she'll tell you, errr I think). 

I've spent the last two years taking classes giving me theoretical knowledge about my field. I've taken policy courses, theory/philosophy courses, methods courses, stats classes, pedagogy classes, etc. I'm in the process of writing a nastily exhausting 60 page exam proving my competency. I'm happy to talk to you about du Bois, Freire, Crenshaw, Durkheim, Weber, Marx, bell hooks, Judith Butler, etc. Want me to run statistics? Descriptive, inferential, correlations or regressions? I can tell you, using evidence to back up my opinion, why I think that my thoughts work. I can provide grades, offer writing suggestions, design a course, and on and on. 

Know what all my mentors and professors say will be my greatest asset as an educator and research is and will be? My practical experience. Praxis (the ability to connect theory/knowledge to practice). The fact that in addition to doing the above, I can share with students what life in our field is really like. Reading can't tell you what it's like to get your first client housed, get screamed at by a person you are trying to help, celebrate with a kid finally away from abusive parents, cry when a client dies. Rote learning can't teach you how to survive in the non-profit industrial complex, balance how much you talk to people outside the field about your work cause they just won't get it, how "self care" isn't just taking a bath or drinking a glass of wine. 

What I'm trying to say is, ESPECIALLY in kink, words without experience to back them up are (to me) basically pointless. I am friends with a lot of real-life educators. One of my exes is a national presenter/educator about piercing. He refused to accept this title until he truly mastered his craft. Just like my example above, the basics are fine, but that's all they are. He also takes responsibility for his students. If they screw up, he takes it upon himself to correct their mistakes and own that he may not have taught that. Education requires that you balance self-assurance and humility, and have critical thought about your own pedagogy. I've seen plenty of "educators" in the scene who entered a dungeon 6 months ago try to teach advanced topics and fail miserably. I'm not saying they shouldn't educate, they should just stick to what they know. I've also seen folks with decades in the community fuck up one time and never be able to present again. In real life you are held accountable for your actions, so I sure hope you're not compiling your knowledge from other people's work and chatAI (which is basically a tool for plagirism... it steals from other people's work). 

I'm not knocking anyone personally, and again, I'm not saying any of this to brag (frankly I'm not 100% sure I made the right choice to go back to school at 40),  I'm sharing my own pedagogical opinions and experience. I want to contribute positively to this community since it's where I met my Beloved (who is probably going to yell at me for taking time out of studying to write this blog) and thus is special to me. Most of the time I try to sit back but there are times I'll jump in because it's something important to me and this is one of those times. In my field we say that those who finish their masters degree are the gatekeepers of the profession. We are the ones responsible for the future generations, and I look at kink in the same way. 

(p.s. Figging hurts a lot more if you let it warm up to room temperature after taking the ginger out of the fridge. Caning (or any impact) makes you clench down on it harder. I don't recommend tying a string around the base of it because it can act like a garrote and cut off the base if tied too tightly, and be really careful if you use slivers in places cause they can get lost up there and that sounds fucking miserable). 

If your idea of dominance is that women are in need of a man and feminists are keeping you from finding a submissive,  you're not dominant, you're codependent, fragile, and a misogynist. Quit looking for a submissive and get some therapy. 

Just sayin'.

Each and every morning I wake up and thank the Lord that they made me a lesbian cause I've never had a problem finding a functional, fun, and fulfilling relationship and now I've won the relationship lottery with the Love of my life.