my mouth is a fire escape

Lots of self-disclosure in this blog.... I'm not bragging, I'm just citing my sources. 

I am a third year doctoral student in the social sciences. As such, I am also a researcher and and educator. Many say social sciences aren't a real science... well, the statistics software that is currently eating up my computer's memory begs to differ. My work influences public policy and social work practice. I also teach masters level students and have the opportunity to present at national conferences. 

In addition, I have over 15 years of practical experience in my field. I've spent in the non-profit and government levels of my area of work, did direct care work, middle management, supervised interns, trained etc. Again, I say this to set up my argument and cite my sources, not to toot my own horn (I'm actually fairly humble about most things... ask Djinni... she'll tell you, errr I think). 

I've spent the last two years taking classes giving me theoretical knowledge about my field. I've taken policy courses, theory/philosophy courses, methods courses, stats classes, pedagogy classes, etc. I'm in the process of writing a nastily exhausting 60 page exam proving my competency. I'm happy to talk to you about du Bois, Freire, Crenshaw, Durkheim, Weber, Marx, bell hooks, Judith Butler, etc. Want me to run statistics? Descriptive, inferential, correlations or regressions? I can tell you, using evidence to back up my opinion, why I think that my thoughts work. I can provide grades, offer writing suggestions, design a course, and on and on. 

Know what all my mentors and professors say will be my greatest asset as an educator and research is and will be? My practical experience. Praxis (the ability to connect theory/knowledge to practice). The fact that in addition to doing the above, I can share with students what life in our field is really like. Reading can't tell you what it's like to get your first client housed, get screamed at by a person you are trying to help, celebrate with a kid finally away from abusive parents, cry when a client dies. Rote learning can't teach you how to survive in the non-profit industrial complex, balance how much you talk to people outside the field about your work cause they just won't get it, how "self care" isn't just taking a bath or drinking a glass of wine. 

What I'm trying to say is, ESPECIALLY in kink, words without experience to back them up are (to me) basically pointless. I am friends with a lot of real-life educators. One of my exes is a national presenter/educator about piercing. He refused to accept this title until he truly mastered his craft. Just like my example above, the basics are fine, but that's all they are. He also takes responsibility for his students. If they screw up, he takes it upon himself to correct their mistakes and own that he may not have taught that. Education requires that you balance self-assurance and humility, and have critical thought about your own pedagogy. I've seen plenty of "educators" in the scene who entered a dungeon 6 months ago try to teach advanced topics and fail miserably. I'm not saying they shouldn't educate, they should just stick to what they know. I've also seen folks with decades in the community fuck up one time and never be able to present again. In real life you are held accountable for your actions, so I sure hope you're not compiling your knowledge from other people's work and chatAI (which is basically a tool for plagirism... it steals from other people's work). 

I'm not knocking anyone personally, and again, I'm not saying any of this to brag (frankly I'm not 100% sure I made the right choice to go back to school at 40),  I'm sharing my own pedagogical opinions and experience. I want to contribute positively to this community since it's where I met my Beloved (who is probably going to yell at me for taking time out of studying to write this blog) and thus is special to me. Most of the time I try to sit back but there are times I'll jump in because it's something important to me and this is one of those times. In my field we say that those who finish their masters degree are the gatekeepers of the profession. We are the ones responsible for the future generations, and I look at kink in the same way. 

(p.s. Figging hurts a lot more if you let it warm up to room temperature after taking the ginger out of the fridge. Caning (or any impact) makes you clench down on it harder. I don't recommend tying a string around the base of it because it can act like a garrote and cut off the base if tied too tightly, and be really careful if you use slivers in places cause they can get lost up there and that sounds fucking miserable). 

If your idea of dominance is that women are in need of a man and feminists are keeping you from finding a submissive,  you're not dominant, you're codependent, fragile, and a misogynist. Quit looking for a submissive and get some therapy. 

Just sayin'.

Each and every morning I wake up and thank the Lord that they made me a lesbian cause I've never had a problem finding a functional, fun, and fulfilling relationship and now I've won the relationship lottery with the Love of my life. 

We shine up real nice. Guess who's boot is whose.

A little bit more than three years after we met in the chat room on this site, Djinni and I got married last weekend!!

We're calling it our SCOTUS shotgun wedding. We got engaged in April of 2021 and planned on marrying in August of this year. In late May our venue fell through and we scrambled. Ultimately we decided that we we'd get married next summer, since I'm in school and there's no way I can participate in a wedding in the midst of classes, research, writing, comprehensive exams, teaching, and living my life. 

And then the Supreme Court invalidated Roe. And in his decision, Clarence Thomas made mention of revisiting several other decisions, including Loving v. Texas (protecting the right to non-cis/het relationships) and Obergfell (clarifying that marriage is open to same sex couples). And once again we scrambled. I spent the majority of my life not worried about marriage because according to the law I wasn't allowed to have one. Then in 2015 the Obergfell decision happened, followed by my meeting Djinni in 2019. Both of these changed my outlook on marriage. 

So, on a bit of a whim we chose the only day available in September to get a marriage license and set to work planning a small, legal ceremony. We invited immediate family and a few local friends who are family to be witnesses. In the scope of a week we threw together a beautiful, simple wedding. My sister officiated, our 8 year old nephew (who we absolutely adore) was the ring bearer, best man, walked with us down the "aisle", and signed as our witness. We ate Olive Garden pasta and indulged in a lot of absolutely delicious cake. There was laugher, tears, jokes, promises, threats, and so much love. 

We still want to have a "wedding"/party so that our out of town friends can come celebrate with us and we are still hoping for next summer. It's a shame that we had to rush it, and not fair at all, but when your rights are on the line you do what you can to protect them. (I'm throwing this is because fuck the rules, but please take our story into consideration when filling out your ballots in the next month. Who you vote for determines the supreme court, and they are coming for our rights. Consider the hurt and fear that we felt reading that decision, hearing the way that people in this country talk about queer people right now... groomers, pedophiles, etc. Consider how much more difficult folks who aren't cis, white, middle class, educated women have it). 

I don't have the words to explain how deeply I love this woman and how thrilled I am to be her boi, partner, and now wife. She is my Beloved and I am hers. Forever.

Time for my annual happy Pride post for all my fellow queers. While the usual Denver Pride festivities are not happening this year, we still have a lot of safer activities going on around town and since we're vaccinated I'm so excited to get to spend them with my Love. 

A few reminders:

The first Pride was a riot led by trans women of color. Research Stonewall. Keep the Stonewall Inn open!

Leather and kink representation absolutely belong at Pride. There are some Gen Zers arguing against this and it's time for them to learn their history. Leather folks were/are on the front lines of fighting for sexual freedom and that needs to never be forgotten. 

Straight pride isn't a thing. While we love our allies, straight folks (white ones at least- hopefully you all honor that POC and mixed race folks have absolutely experienced this same discrimination) have never had to fight for their rights to marriage, job security, children, housing, health care, THEIR LIVES. 

Trans folks,especially trans women of color, are still being murdered at terrifying rates. 2021 is on track to be the deadliest one ever with at least 28 trans and gender non-conforming folks killed. 

Queer and trans kids are at higher risks of homelessness, sex trafficking, and suicide than any other demographic of youth. This is disgusting. 

Jokes like "Well I identify as a 21 year old" are not funny and invalidate people's identities. 

Gender identity and sexual orientation are not political. If I see transphobia or homophobia in a post I'm going to speak up and we all notice when people don't. 

Our allies are fiercely important to us. We need you. 

Pride is, at it's heart, a celebration of unconditional love and radical sex positivity. Have a FUN and safe month and remember it's not just about cheap drinks and scantily clad twinks (though I'm totally here for all the Leather men dressed up...woof). 

Important links:

The Trevor Project- suicide prevention for queer youth https://www.thetrevorproject.org/

The National LGBTQ Task Force https://www.thetaskforce.org/

The National Center for Transgender Rights https://transequality.org/

The Matthew Shepard Foundation https://www.matthewshepard.org/

PFLAG- Parents, Families, and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (and BTQ+) https://pflag.org/

Here are some resources to read about Leather history and how it is inherently queer:

The Leather Archives and Museum https://leatherarchives.org/

Urban Aboriginals by Geoff Mains

LeatherFolk by Mark Thompson

Life, Leather, and the Pursuit of Happiness by Steve Lenius

Literally anything by Patrick Califia

The Leather Quilt Project https://www.leatherquilt.com/

Please share any resources you might have! 

Trans issues, gender identity, sexual identity ARE NOT DEBATABLE. 

If you don't want threads to get overtaken then police your fucking people and have them stay on topic without bringing in identity. It's fucking simple. 

I never ask people not to comment on my blog but today I am (just like all the snowflakes who do it on a daily basis). If you feel like defending or "debating" identity kindly fuck right off. You will be deleted (man, I sound like a cis-hetero person in the forum!). You all would be laughed out of a real life community. 

The Cage has become a safe space and breeding ground for transphobia and homophobia all in the name of pseudo-intellectual debate. 

Djinni and I are engaged. I popped the question just about a month ago. I have spent every single day of the last nearly two years thinking about how I want to spend forever with her. And now I get to. For years and years and years I was vehemently opposed to marriage as an institution... what was so great about this contract that I legally couldn't sign because of how I'm wired? Now, 6 years after the Obergfell decision that "gave" me the same rights as everyone else toward marriage, I see why it is important. I value its meaning. Heck, I'm even pushing for us to get married in my very progressive Lutheran church. I did fail to realize that with a proposal comes the need to plan a wedding (I'm conveniently starting a doctoral program in the fall so much of this will be left to my Love to plan, lol). There is a TON of planning that goes into one of these things- I'm a throw a spur of the moment party kinda gal who asks her friends to bring a 6 pack and meat of their choice to grill. I'm grateful that D loves to plan these kind of things, because I suck at it. I am excited to walk through the process together with her, though. I want to be involved, this is just way out of my wheelhouse. My areas of expertise include appetizers (giant nacho/totcho table?!?), dessert (Funfetti cake and artisan ice cream?!?) and music choice (must include "Somebody's Getting Married" from the Muppets and all the 90's love ballads from every genre). 

Getting to my point.... Last weekend D mentioned that there was a bridal show in town. The very first thing I asked was "does it say anywhere that it is queer friendly?" This is important. Also important is that I look "traditionally" lesbian. Short hair, I dress fairly masculinely, etc. Ain't no femme-ing up this old boi. I needed to know that I would be safe at this bridal show. We live in Colorado, home of the Masterpiece Cake Shop, you know, the one that took not selling cake to people like me all the way to the Supreme Court and won. I don't want to attend an event that doesn't want me, and more so I don't want Djinni to have that kind of experience leave a tarnished mark on our wedding planning process. 

I've been out and proud for almost 20 years. At this point homophobia stings, but mostly rolls off my back. Despite a shitty cake shop in a shitty suburb, we are lucky that Colorado is fairly progressive and D and I have not encountered any issues. And I intend to do everything in my power to keep D from ever having to feel the pain of exclusion, or begin to look for the signs that people are judging us because we are together. So we didn't go to our first bridal show. Heteronormativity kept us from what should have been our first foray into the world of wedding planning. 

Before we go further, let me define this naughty word that stirred up so much "drama" and "trolling" according to others. "Heteronormativity, predicated on the gender binary, is the belief that being heterosexual (which is attraction only to a different gender) is the only normal and natural sexual orientation. Since it is based on the conception that there are only two genders, heteronormativity does not accurately reflect the reality that gender exists on a spectrum and that attraction to only similar genders or to all genders exists and are normal."(https://www.verywellhealth.com/heteronormativity-5092451)

Yes, weddings are inherently heteronormative BECAUSE QUEERS  HAVE NOT BEEN LEGALLY ALLOWED TO DO SO UNTIL THE LAST SIX YEARS in the US. 1 in 6 young people currently identify as queer (https://www.washingtonpost.com/dc-md-va/2021/02/24/gen-z-lgbt/). This is far greater than the 1 in 10 myth that still comes up (for fuck's sake people, do some reading if you're going to spout things like you know them). Using these numbers, we can assume that roughly 16-17% of marriages will be queer somehow, even if they don't look it on the surface. While it's not the majority, it's still a significant number of people who will be engaging in non-hetero weddings. This is actually a significant number of people. 

Yet, they aren't "weddinbg shows" they are "bridal shows". Let's not even get started on how many men don't get to engage in the planning of their own wedding because heteronormativity dictates that they let the women do it. I joked above about D doing most of the planning, and while she will be because she loves it and I will be teaching and in school full time, I know that I still have input and that it's not weird for me to want to help plan. Heteronormativity harms everyone- straight folks, queer folks, cis-folks, trans folks. 

We are attending an LGBTQ+ friendly wedding show in July and are both looking forward to it. I'm a little intimidated by how many rainbows will be there (Djinni's the rainbow lover, not me) but I'm grateful that there is a place where we can both feel safe to plan our wedding, and where we know that we won't be denied services because there are two brides. Here's the thing though- even though it is specificially for queer folks, straight people are welcome as well. No one is denied entry or service, which is a direct result of being NON-heteronormative. I won't have to hear people ask my fiancee over and over who her husband is, I won't feel like I need to protect her from being discriminated against, I won't feel judged for being there in my cargo shorts and Chacos (I'm so grateful that cargos are back in style....SO many pockets), and I can hopefully taste cake with the straight couple in there shopping for their own wedding. 

A group of us who hopped in the thread after someone said something homophobic were labelled trolls who shut down a thread because we want drama in the name of "advocacy". Fuck that. I don't want the fucking drama. Just like above, I want to fucking be able to taste the cake without listening to assholes deny the legitimacy of my (or my queer siblings) existence, and point to their own superiority. Here's something- maybe, if you don't want drama, don't say things that are shitty and wrong. People can have whatever opinion they want. I'll debate those till I'm blue in the face. But when you conflate "opinions" with judgements about somebody's actual existence, I'm going to hop my queer ass in there and make a stand, and derail it if needed. Police your own people if you don't want others to do it. 

I met the love of my life on this website, yet it still blows my mind that there is so much accepted transphobia, homophobia, and racism that is accepted here. Glossed over, and when people call it out  they are labelled trolls and rabblerousers. Excuses are made, we are asked to just accept peoples' "opinions" about our very real lives, and asked to be good little gay stewards of the kink lifestyle. Thank God that is not how we do things anymore. You all have no idea how hurtful it is to read that someone really thinks that their life is more "normative" than yours because they choose to stick their (bio) dick into a (bio) vagina. You hide behind your middle school concepts of science and your Sunday school morality and forget that there are real people whose lives are affected by the very words you choose. So yeah, if I have to keep "trolling" (okay Boomer....) to make sure that other people like me on this site know that this isn't tolerated, then fe, fi, fo, fum motherfuckers. 

The Cage operates like the bridal show I talked about above. My queer ass can get in the door, get some funny looks, but be generally allowed as long as I behave. The minute I try to get a piece of cake from the Masterpiece Cake Shop that everyone else can get cake from, I'm told to quit making a big deal over things, to accept their opinion and their right to discriminate becuase I chose to attend this event where I might not be welcome. But here's the thing.... I'm not going to deny my Beloved the opportunity to attend another bridal show because I'm scared again, just like I'm not going to stop making waves when someone's saying homophobic things. 

Seriously?

I can sit over here and craft new stupid posts to be reported all night, because it's Grey's Anatomy night and I'm here with my love and I am really just amused at this point. 

If this is what not letting insecure whiny men get away with homophobia is, then let it be so.