Once you are made REAL

My Master does so many things to add value to my life. He teaches me. He guides me. He protects me (mostly from myself). He provides for me. He spends time with me. He helps me be healthier. He helps me to do better with regard to work and my family. One of the greatest things He does is He supports me. I'm His cheerleader, but the truth is, He is mine too. His words of pride, acknowledgement, and praise are the loudest and most important. He is never ever stingy or shy with them. He tells everyone around Him who will listen exactly how proud of me He is, and I think I have not told Him how much this matters to me. 

Once upon a time I was married to a man who never even told his closest friends that he was married. Had I met his friends on the street they would not have known I was his wife and the mother of his child. This was a deep hurt that I bore quietly. Never again could I. See, MstrJ's work friends know me by face and name LONG before I ever meet them. When they finally do, they greet me with warm smiles and hugs like an old friend, because they have heard alllll of the stories. It has healed this part of me so much that I could never ever accept less. When He met me I did not know how to accept praise or a compliment. It made me deeply uncomfortable, and because I could not hear and accept praise I had some serious flaws in my self confidence. 

I also didn't know how to ask for help. I had always felt like I was a burden, and that asking for help took away from my value. This was something that really hurt my previous D/s relationships. I did not know how to rely on someone, and for some that is a very important part of the dynamic. I'm a very capable woman, but knowing that I CAN ask for help when it is needed and He will celebrate that as a chance to "show up" has been hugely healing. 

Tonight I'm watching a series that He and I have not watched together, but a scene in it just made my heart happy and I needed to share it. 

Who else sees the amazing D type that is "the Raptor" in The Resident? DAMN I adore that man as a character. The similarities between him and MstrJ are few and far between (and I FAR prefer MstrJ. Would not trade Him for literally 100 million dollars. Would not trade Him for 20 more years of life. I can honestly say, there is nothing on this earth that could be offered that would make me turn my face from Him) however, they have two things in common #1 is that they will move heaven and earth to show up for their person and #2 they are their person's greatest and loudest cheerleaders. 

I wish there was a clip, but season 2 episode 19. When he walks through a blizzard to get there because she needed him, then he gets there only to find out she didnt need him and his reaction was to shout for pride and joy that she did not need him, and cheer her on. DAMN what a man. 

Here's to the D types who lead by example and are proud as hell of their partners. 

Thank You for all of the ways you add value to my life. Thank You for being my Partner, my Master, my Maker, the One I can turn to, and the One who will always share my failures and successes with. You are the greatest gift in my life and I will never take that for granted. 

His slave Mikayla

I have a useless superpower... I can take a licking and keep on ticking. 

When I tell even small parts of my life to people they have pretty much the same reaction: YOU NEED TO WRITE A BOOK. 

MstrJ's reaction is a bit different: "That can't happen... then YOU" 

. He's heard it all, I think, by now... and He's seen enough of the first hand proof to know I'm not lying about any of it. 

The result of this insane life is that I can walk through fire and keep going. I have PTSD, but very few people see it. I have Anxiety... but it's under control and if you told anyone around me they would laugh and say "no way!" 

I have a superpower... I compartmentalize like a boss. I put these things into a box and stuff it high on a shelf where I can't get to it. Then "out of sight out of mind." It's not an unhealthy thing in most cases. Yes, we all know the adage about not dealing with things and bottles and corks; but there are some things you just can't deal with. You simply have to keep on walking. 

The thing is it's also a useless superpower when it comes to drop. It's a counterproductive superpower when it comes to D/s and M/s especially O/our kind. I can't put Him in a box. I can't put my feelings for Him in a box. I can't put the ache of missing the shit out of every single thing about Him in a box. I can't put the hole that is EVERYWHERE in a box. I used to try. I think I actually did at one point and how He had patience with me I'll never know. This year I've vowed to myself and to Him not to do that, not to wall off my feelings for self preservation's sake. I'm not talking about Love or Respect or Dedication... I mean the longing for Him. Today I'm hitting it HARD. 

I do not want to be here. I hate everything except my kids. I love my students, and I love my career with a passion. I have a damn good reason for being here, and I make a difference. It would matter to them if I didn't come back. I have 5 kids who are staying in school just for my sake. This year the Senior class will be different. They are the first group that I have a personal relationship with, and they are excited to see me and be with me. I adore them... but it's not even close to the hole that is EVERYWHERE. 

Nothing feels like Home. When I walked into His space again it was immediately *sigh of relief; HOME!* When I walked in this door it was "where in the hell am I?!" 

When I lay in my bed the emptiness is like the Tardis, bigger than it appears. 

I walked down my street the first day back and walked in the raw sewage that has been an issue for literally 2 years, looked at the buildings which are basically spackled together, the trash in the streets, and the looks that I get from people and the smile that has been plastered on my face for 65 days was immediately erased. I've got a headache so bad from the constant pressure that is my mind and my head and the frown that I can't seem to do anything about. 

I have reminders of Him everywhere, don't get me wrong. He makes damn sure of that. Every stitch of clothing I wear has come from Him, whether bought by Him or picked by or with Him. Every single piece of food I've eaten since I got back has been cooked on or in equipment that I came back with (There's a strong possibility that I'm the only person in this country with a CrockPot... you can't get that here. I've no idea why). I sleep wrapped up in the fuzzy purple blanket that was my birthday present and it still smells of Him and U/us... He is everywhere and yet His absence is more present. My superpower is useless, and counterproductive. I would not trade it for the world though. I accept this grief this longing for what W/we have, and I know if I'm feeling it He is doubly so. I know I've got O/our daughter. I've got hugs from my kids. I've got cuddles from her. He does not. 

For now, this sucks. I know it will get better, but in the meanwhile I just need to acknowledge it and allow it to suck instead of compartmentalizing it. It won't kill me. It won't even damage me in the long run, so I'll let it exist. 

I'm sorry that my life choices made this separation necessary. I'm sorry that this is the way things are. You deserve (I don't know the word. Better isn't it... different?) I just know that I have no way to thank You for patience with this, for accepting me and this situation. For viewing me as worth it in the long run, for waiting for me. I do not take it or You for granted. 

~His slaveMikayla

https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcSIHWM8NeNEwoioopRCVh5BupIPTFOEqMBpug&s

"This has been the best most fulfilling summer of my whole life!" These words have been spoken over and over these past two months. 

~W/we had a family birthday for my 40th and in the process had life changing deep conversations with family. 

~Those conversations directly led to a family member reevaluating their life and making huge and positive choices... and W/we will be forever family; the kind you PICK, not the kind you are born with. 

~W/we did almost or just over 30 rounds of golf ... damn! He broke 80!!! A ball now dubbed the "Jesus ball" "walked on water" to save that 78! It's forever sitting on the desk. (oh! I need the donut ball out of your bag!)

~W/we went to a party and made two AMAZING friends. I'd say they are our first "married couple" friends. Okay, so none of us are married... but we're gonna be! Seriously, I adore them and they adore us. 

~I met His "work wife/wives" shhhh they will fight over Him... no seriously. And I adore them and they adore me. I know for dead sure He is in very good/safe hands when I'm not here. I know all I have to do is poke them on Whatsapp and they will hug the shit out of Him for me.. and that is peace of mind. 

~W/we did a ton of outdoor fun stuff... camping, rafting, kayaking... and had some life changing deep moments which will now be a tradition for U/us. 

~W/we made lifestyle friends and had some pretty "big" experiences in that regard. 

~W/we also had our first difficult moments, and handled them well too. <3 

~I ran a 5K obstacle course with all of the ladies in His family and He and His dad came out to support. 

~W/we did some home care projects (and I found out that He has a sensitive stomach ROFL... He would NEVER change diapers that's for sure!)

Most of all W/we filled our hug-o-meters and reaffirmed exactly how perfect W/we work together. 

At one time I explained that if W/we are puzzle pieces some puzzle pieces can fit together in a plethora of ways... and still make beautiful pictures, and other puzzle pieces are annoyingly intricate. They really only work *one way*. He is the first, and I'm the second. I'm so grateful that He found me, that He has been so beyond patient (I swear this Man is a saint), and how trustworthy He has been. I'm never ever going to be able to explain all of the ways that He is incredible, but one more time I'm saying "Thank You for loving me. Thank You for finding me. Thank You for all of the ways You support our kiddo and me. Thank You for Home."

Now the unthinkable part.... Friday I have to get on a plane and leave. I have to go back halfway around the globe to a place that is far less stable and feels NOTHING like Home, and I have to be the adult and "do the right thing". I do not want to. Every fiber of my being is screaming at the top of my lungs and ripping my heart out because I wan to be RIGHT HERE. I want to be here at Home caring for the space, making Him insanely good food, I want to get into a better health regime, I want to be laying beside Him at night and be there when He wakes up every morning. I want to be His caddy and secretary, and all of the other very good and totally dirty things that I am for and with Him.... but for now, that can't be. The slightly better news is that this year we should get to see each other 3 times not 2.... and that sounds only marginally better, but honestly if W/we can make it to January/Feb then it's just a little hop to March/April and then June/July is in sight. We can do this! Just keep swimming just keep swimming... so until then I'm going to hang onto Home. 

and O/our spundtrack from this year:

~with all of my heart and soul, I'm only going back so I can run right back to You. 

"spin me like a globe and drop Your finger on me. You push me in circles, I can't go any further until I start coming back to You." 

His slaveMikayla; "silverchild you are Mine, and you are LOVED"

In my experience people make the mistake of thinking that vulnerability is "one size fits all", it looks the same from person to person. No one would directly say that of course, but their actions play it out as an inner truth. 

I'm neurodivergent, and I can tell you that the realization that vulnerability looks different from person to person has been very important. It's also been really necessary to help me understand how other people misperceive me and my own communication. 

When I share a story about my past that is potentially hurtful, or brings up emotions this is NOT vulnerability for me. I carry no weight at all over my past. It's a fact, every bit as much as 2+2. Yes, it might stir up emotions, but I'm very comfortable with that too. It's not vulnerable. 

I have learned that people around me can misunderstand my openness to sharing and my willingness to "be vulnerable" (their misperception) as "intimate"... and thus they misunderstand my level with them. <<< whoops! 

So here's the thing... none of that is intimate, vulnerable, or any signal of "closeness" or "affection". I'll share all that with the mail lady, if it would help her in any way. 

What IS vulnerable for me is walking into spaces which my past has taught me might "shift the status quo" or be "dangerous" ... 

Vulnerability for me is coming to MstrJ and telling Him that I'm anxious as fuck. I've been surreptitiously released because I had the audacity to be anxious and tell a "Dom" I needed support. .... TWICE. 

Mind, I never asked anyone to solve my problems for me.. or fix it... or anything, simply the act of walking through spaces that caused me to feel anxiety and expressing those needs was too much for two individuals I had held in trust. So  THAT is vulnerable for me. 

Vulnerable for me is being willing to face the thing that scares the fuck out of me more than anything else on the planet.... legal stuff. I have to handle some paperwork stuff which in my brain equates to legal stuff... and that is absolutely terrifying for me. Logic says, it's just paperwork! It's no problem! It will solve so many issues, I'm so late on it... should have been handled almost 20 years ago.... could open so many doors... and yet that almost paralyzes me with fear, because in my life the past is "logic has nothing to do with it, and legal stuff can go so far sideways so quickly it could ruin my life. My luck I'm going to try to sort things and end up in jail for the next 20 years somehow. Logic be damned.

.... terrifying. and THAT is vulnerable for me. 

Vulnerable for me is trusting that if I rock the boat and IF things go sideways, or are anything but smooth sailing that He will still be there.... None of that has anything to do with Him. HE has been trustworthy. HE has never ever let me down. HE has never given me any reason to fear... but being honest that my past has left these particular scars on me and they are real, and even if I wish it were different, for right now it isn't different... THAT is vulnerable for me. 

Sharing all of this out in the open, THAT is not vulnerable for me, again... it's 2+2.... but the willingness to tell HIM, THAT, is. 

~His slaveMikayla

Thank You for being trustworthy. Thank You for knowing and being able to speak Your needs, wants, and boundaries. Thank You for not "holding the bucket"... most of all, thank You for being safe with me, safe for me. 

Good morning, good afternoon, good evening, and good night! 

It has been a bit, eh? 

These weeks I've been Home have been deeply tremendously needed, and I'm sorry I'm not sorry I could not spare even a minute to focus on anything but just filling my "hog-o-meter" and doing the growing that needed to be done. This past month MstrJ and I have been BUSY every single minute of every single day. W/we have been on the go from jump doing amazing and fun things, spending time with family, making new friends, and growing U/us. 

W/we have had the opportunity to get more involved with O/our local community which has yielded some amazing new opportunities and friendships as well. 

A few days ago W/we went on a camping trip together which was a fantastic and joyous experience as well! While W/we work well together and communicate very well together, there are always new lessons to learn <3 I had not been camping since the 4th grade so learning to put up a tent again was comical to say the least. 

Nothing like a night or two sleeping on the ground to remind you of your age, eh? ^_^

No, it was great. I always love the opportunity to be of service in the packing and providing realms, and it was a lovely moment to give Him the chance to head to work and come home and find everything ready, packed, and make His life markedly easier. I also loved sharing "camping food" with the family that travelled with U/us. 

Now, the purpose of the trip was leisure, yes, but also deeper. A few days ago was my son's birthday, and those of you who have known me a while know those are some difficult spaces for me to walk. My Master and a close friend/relative gave me the opportunity to use that space for some deeper healing, and apparently it was NEEDED. So I spent Matty's birthday curled on on MstrJ's knee crying on a beautiful soft sand beach, toes in the water, looking up at rocky cliffs and the most blue sky I could ever imagine. I'm a deeply emotional person, but somehow this was an emotion that I had not allowed myself to truly live, or release. It was needed. In the process of that moment, MstrJ had His own very powerful moment that I have permission to share. Vulnerability looks different for me, and this moment was one of the more vulnerable moments that He has been physically present for me with. That was not lost on Him. MsrtJ has given me many names over the years. He has named my Little heart, He has named my slave Heart and both of those were intentionally done. In this moment, however, as He sat with my head on His knee as my heart broke into a million pieces and I cried decades of hurt, disappointment, injustice, and deep seated loss out onto His knee He rubbed my head and hair and the following words came to Him unbidden: "Silver child, you are Loved and you are Mine." 

Now W/we are still trying to unpack what Silver child represents for Him and for me... yes, in that moment it related to the strands of hair that are beginning to show my age (and the fact that in that moment they were beautiful to Him), but it is deeper than that. Perhaps it has to do with the childhood which I was denied in my youth childhood marked by joy and instead being replaced by the deep sadness which I was coping with, so maybe it is a hope that I will be able to let go of that sadness and find the child like joy? I dunno. Working on it. 

He had another powerful moment when the same dear friend remarked aloud that she could see the love and respect I have for Him. 

Today MstrJ is at work, and I'm home tending house and missing Him already. W/we have reached the halfway point in the trip and I'm trying hard not to start thinking about it. I know this year should be easier as W/we have plans to see eachother 3 times not 2... but at the same time it's always a hard thought to consider the time apart. I want to stamp my feet and cry and say "not enough!" "I want to be HOME!" and that's fair... that's so fair, and good and right... but by the same token some of the beauty for both of U/us is in the cycle W/we live being reminded of how drastically W/we improve eachother's lives by the moments and seasons of physical separation. The way within 3 days of my coming Home that He can look around and say "Fuck you make My life better!" by the cleanliness, organized spaces, smell of cooking, and the physical presence of me.... and vice versa too... how yes, I can go back and "do life" but man it absolutely is pale compared to life with Him. 

In the coming weeks W/we still have so much to do! W/we have a MasT meeting coming up which W/we are both looking forward to. W/we are planning a rafting/kayaking outing both with ourselves and with some fun kink community friends W/we made. W/we have a food festival to go to with a work friend and his wife... just soooooooo much good. That's not even touching all the growth that has and is happening within O/our relationship itself. 

I pray this season has been as positive and filled with growth for all of you. More to come! 

Thank You for all you do to take care of my Heart.... Thank You for allowing me to be a part of Your family, and in the process allowing me to find family of my own. Thank You for being open to learning and growing spaces and lessons of Your own, not being stuck in outdated mentalities that do not serve You or U/us. Thank You for all the ways You protect me, support me, and help me to grow. Thank You for constant open communication. Thank You for never shutting down. Thank You for learning to set reasonable boundaries for Yourself, for me, and for U/us. You are the greatest gift in my life. Thank You for being reliable, dependable, and trustworthy. Thank You most of all for the ways You love me... (and for saving me from big ass porcupines in the middle of the night). 

His slaveMikayla; 

silver child.... Faith. 

Sooooo much has happened in the last two weeks. I can not even comprehend that I have not even yet BEEN HERE two weeks! It's been nonstop  awesome at every turn. 

I had my 40th birthday. W/we spent time with family, did some kayaking in the mountains, went to a VR games thing, went to the Science Center, went to O/our first Munch here (He will write more on THAT) and have done some work on the house and the yard. Oh, He played in a huge tournament for His golf club (and placed) managed the best round of golf He has ever played (broke 80) and W/we got invited to a play party (which W/we will be doing later in the month).

So! He got me my birthday presents! #1 a super insanely fluffy/soft purple blanket which is ALSO waterproof ^_^... it's now my comfy/play blanket cause well sometimes waterproof is necessary ;) 

and then my second present was late getting here... but it's definitely story time worthy! 

So on Monday before the Munch He went down to the post office and came back with a package. I was told to be careful opening it. when open I saw it was bright pink and a very hefty plastic. It reminded me of the material dodgeballs were made of in 80s-90s Gym class. Everyone who ever experienced those knew EXACTLY what I mean. So I started guessing. I saw the pump and guessed it was a yoga ball (MstrJ has a black one which He loves to use for His exercise and calesthenics). "Close"... so then I laughed and said "What does it have a dildo on it?" at that exact moment I saw it did in fact have just that! But wait... there's more! It's a twofer! So I started cracking up like mad. He said to keep looking then I realized what I had in my hands was this....

https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcRX73nnQJavXPaakSJRNpLSa4LEUPyJy1Qo7pfDoeaTsJjclhcH7DwINpzgT_16aW_0_MY&usqp=CAU

oookay.... so after pumping it up (which, in and of itself was comically suggestive, given that the blowing up was hand pump action... so I played that up well. Then to inspect it. Okay that sucker is NOT 6 inches! Fuck off. It's quite a bit larger... and the plug is VERY solid so that was intimidating. I'm not a brat, but whatever possessed me I brightened up and said, "Oh! This could be good to practice... (grabbed the handles and immediately went to deep throat it and came up gagging "OH THAT'S FOUL!" *instant regret*

The taste on that was just beyond horrific. It's everything you could possibly imagine from licking a dodgeball and more. YUCK! 

So it will NOT be used for deep throat practice after all, but it DID give MstrJ his money's worth of a laugh attack that's fir sure! It also provided some chuckles on the retelling at the Munch. ^__^

Now I need my foot to stop being all  Von Willebrand's and stop with the stupid so I can try it out! 

(I have a bleeding disorder, so simple injuries can end up just deciding to be a pain in the ass in not fun ways). 

Cheers!

His slaveMikayla

Now I'm going to be honest that that title is absolute clickbait... but it's also hilarious. 

Ok, so I've been debating about posting this for a WHILE... and I'm actually hoping it will bring some smiles and some levity. 

Some important back story. MstrJ has been my kiddo's father figure for just under half of her actual life. Actually, she does not consciously remember a time that He wasn't there. Every single tooth she has ever lost has been "with Him", to the extent that the one time she lost a tooth while He was at work she insisted that I get on the gosh darn phone and call Him because He was the only thing that would comfort her. She has a very mildly wiggly tooth right now and she was arguing with me before I left that she wanted to get it pulled just so that it wouldn't fall out while I was gone (in which case she couldn't call Him).. (He did not know that until reading this). 

In fact, His name here: MstrJ is actually from HER. When she was 4 1/2 she wrote Him a card and didn't know how to spell yet, so MISTER came out Mstr. Well, W/we both adored it so much that that became His name, and the card is still on the fridge. It has also become His monogram which is sewn onto His golf shoes ^_^. 

Which brings me to today's story. Before MstrJ there were a few significant others in my life. I do not think she has any memory of two of them (Thank Fuck) but she apparently has some conscious memory of one. A few weeks before I came back for the summer I received an email from that significant person. I was reading it beside her when she looked over and she lost her ever living mind at me. "Is that NAME?" "Yes. I didn't know you remembered him" (she cut me off mid sentence) "Does MstrJ know?! MOM I'm telling Him! Give me the phone!" (I bust out laughing) "Baby, yes, MstrJ knows, actually I introduced them and W/we are all in a group chat together." (she was huffy and crossing her arms and just visually perturbed) So I opened the chat I have with MstrJ and opened a voice message and proceeded to greet Him and tell Him that O/our kiddo would not be calm until she made SURE that He knew I was conversing with *other person* and that it was okay with Him and that I was not irrevocably messing up our lives. Could He please confirm for her that it was okay." Then I sent it and showed her that the grey check marks meant that it had been sent. Then I let her keep the phone in her hands until she saw the checkmarks turn blue indicating that He had seen it. Then the angel girl took the phone to her room until she read what He sent telling her that it was completely okay. 

THAT right there is freaking gold. I love that my kiddo loves Him and U/us so much that she would go to such lengths to be sure that it's safeguarded, even from me. 

Now, that night He and I had a conversation with her while she was wrapped tightly in my arms. W/we explained that one of the promises He has made me is that even of something completely unforeseen happens and He exits the relationship with me, He will never exit her life. He has promised me that He will maintain that relationship with her in whatever capacity He can. She broke down crying and then visibly relaxed. I had no idea that she was holding that fear/worry. No parent who has had a divorce or been through significant relationships that have ended WANT to create abandonment issues in their kids. I'd like to take a moment to shoutout to all the D types who step up to the bat and actively work to prevent it. The D types who stand up to the challenge of being a good fill in parent; pills, bills, and everything in between. Y'all deserve recognition and a round of applause. Especially ones who never intended to have kids of their own, but decided that they could manage that responsibility and understand the privilege but also depth of what that means. 

Thank You for creating such a strong bond with "Big Girl". Thank You for being the most amazing Man I've ever known. Thank You for helping me parent her and show her what honest and healthy communication looks like. Thank You for helping me ease that fear I did not know was there. 

I love that she apparently thinks she loves You even more than I do. <3 I'll accept that. 

https://www.youtube.com/shorts/iKMBhWNijDY

PS... this would be Him ^_^ He's 100% do this. 

https://www.youtube.com/shorts/DkAb1fQpuMM

~His slaveMikayla

I'm from a relatively developed country where life is pretty stable and easy. 

I live in a very different situation in a country where life is not stable, and nothing is easy. 

Every summer I get to rejoin life in a "stable" country with Him...

It's bizarre moving back and forth between the two. Apparently I'm pretty mailable as far as what I can handle goes, which is bizarre because I would have said that change is hard for me. 

One of the things I LOVE is the ability to come and "make a Home" here. This morning as I was going about my cleaning I had the following thought: 

Give me an old ratty t-shirt and some water and I'll have the house spic and span inside of 24 hours. THANK YOU 3rd world cleaning skills! 

... but give me 1st world cleaning products and I swear to God I'll happily spend 10 hours a day cleaning house and still manage to find things to do in a week! ^__^

Things I'm immensely grateful for at the moment: 

windows that close and keep out the dust

SWIFFER! fuck Iove you Swiffer!

Easy Off oven spray <3

"Steel wool" that doesnt cut my hands to shreds

self checkout lines

the little white rags that I can wash... and a washing machine that is reliable! omfg I love the washing machine. 

dish soap that is kind to my hands and still gets the job done. 

Shower doors that keep the water *inside*

GRASS (and even the lawnmower to cut it!)

the crockpot. I could write a poem to a crockpot I swear to God. 

Rice cookers are freaking magic. 

Costco... I can not words how much I love Costco

Central heating and air... you do not appreciate your life if you have not understood what life is without them and most importantly THE AIR FILERS RELATED. 

Windows that let light in....

Reliable power without rolling power outages.

Sidewalks. 

Paved streets. 

Bikes outside. 

vegetable gardens with actual dirt... brown/black dirt. 

Insect sound and birdsong. 

Gophers. I'm sorry I adore them. I get that they are considered a nuisance, but I adore them.

The rain. 

Clouds. 

The mountains... and rivers and the sound of moving water. 

My breadmaker which I have YET to make anything even remotely good in... but I will manage! 

CARPETS! 

Family. 

I am sitting here writing that list with tears of gratitude. 

I love my life. I love my work. I love my kiddo. I would give anything for this to be our life *always*... for her to get to understand that this life exists too. For now I have to look at the kids' wet socks hanging on the fence of the community playground... the bikes resting in the grass, and watch the kiddos who would be her friends and thank God for giving me a Master who is patient enough to wait for this to be forever. Who loves her and us both enough to find the patience. Thank You for having the patience to wait for forever.... You are the greatest gift in my life. I swear I will never ever take all of this for granted. 

~His slaveMikayla

Sooooo as promised this is before and after at the 48 hour mark. There is still swelling to go down, but I have to say that is a hell of a difference! 

His slaveMikayla

https://ibb.co/rc3WxcR  <<< before

https://ibb.co/cgkVsJy  <<< after

^ had to be done. No apologies. 

Ok, so I know I went quiet about two weeks ago, that was right about the time that the school year was wrapping up (read busy to the extreme) and also right when He and I agreed that I'd take the step I took yesterday. 

So a bit of background for those who may not be familiar with MstrJ and my dynamic... W/we are a long distance TPE M/s couple. W/we have been together for over 4 years now. One of the most common questions W/we get revolves around the concept of how can we be TPE or even M/s while living literally halfway around the globe. Yes, O/our dynamic is a bit more complicated and takes some finessing differently than it would if W/we lived in the same space 24/7. W/we both wish W/we did, and W/we look forward to when W/we will... but it is a sacrifice that W/we both make for very necessary reasons. 

Yesterday was the first *serious* step in a line of steps that W/we have been discussing and working towards for years now. For myself, I'm a slave, what makes me so is that my absolute driving desire is to be of use and of pleasure in every way possible. There is no part of who I am or what I do that is outside the realm of His control *if and when and how He desires.* That's an important distinction, because if W/we defined it such that He micromanages every single action every single minute of the day, then nope, THAT is not possible halfway around the world. 

What it looks like on an everyday basis is W/we talk through the day and all foreseeable things in advance. I know what it is He expects of me at home, at work, and with regard to O/our daughter. If things go sideways I understand in which circumstances I'm to make my best judgment call and when I'm supposed to pause and contact Him for decision making/directive. If I get it wrong in the moment, that is okay... it's a learning opportunity for next time. You better believe I don't get it wrong a second time though! 

That brings us to long term goals and plans... those are all His jurisdiction. He gives me the map or sometimes just one step in advance and I do my utmost to follow it. One of the maps W/we are following brings us into another area of O/our preferred dynamic. I also enjoy the concept that He is helping make me into His physical ideal. I mean I'd be hard pressed to find a slave who, when asked, would not want to be her Master's absolute ideal in every way. It just seems logical to me. So for years now W/we have been working on my physical health. I've lost over 70lbs (and gained a bit back), I've become much more physically fit (but I'm not anywhere near "done"). I've gotten braces on my lower teeth. I keep my nails to the length and shape He prefers. I do not cut my hair because He far prefers it long (long enough to use as a leash if desired). At one point I lost too much weight and it affected my behind in a way He did not prefer, so some was gained back to round that back out. The point of this is to say W/we are now moving into the more "serious" /tangible aspects of that map. It's exciting... it's terrifying... it's fucking painful... and it's so incredibly worth it. 

Last year there was a day I went to school dressed in a new floor length gown and a student of mine stood looking at me in absolute awe. Her chin on the ground and she exclaimed Miss Mikayla, you look like a PRINCESS! Now... what I realized in that moment is that THAT is the exact look I hope to be on His face someday. It's a ways away. 

On the map is likely: I am going to need some surgery to fix loose skin from weight loss. I definitely need and want to get my boobs fixed. I was at one time a 38 HHH. Now I'm a 32 DDD. That amount of weight and the weight loss have not done fantastic things, add to it that I'm a mom of two and definitely nursed both of my kids for years... so yep that needs to be handled. 

Some Men would look at all of that and walk away looking for their ready made insert label here. MstrJ however, has decided that who I am as a person, as a slave, as a mother, as a teacher, as a human, and as His property is far FAR more impossible to find, teach, or replicate... and the other things can and will be altered so that He ends up with the "whole package". I could not be more grateful. Yes, I am generally pleased with how I look, but for me it is most rewarding to "do hard thing for the sake of my Person, my Master." Yesterday was incredibly difficult. I'm terrified of needles, so the two weeks after W/we decided this would be done was nerve wracking! I was certainly a bundle of nerves and I was researching all the time. Yesterday pretty much all I could do was pace. 

He had to work, sadly, which meant He gave me a pep talk on the way out the door and kept tabs on me throughout the day. I wore a shirt He bought me, the bra He bought me, the pants He provided... the shoes He sent me back with last time... and His cologne. I also took my bear in my bag. Sitting there I had the book I've been reading which is His family's autobiographical novel about immigrating to the US. I sat in the waiting room reading the novel His mom edited for His great grandmother about HER mother and father. No, it was not pleasant. Yes, it hurt like a bitch. Yes, I cried. Yes, I nearly tapped out when the doc hit two very deep spaces that were NOT numbed. Yes, last night was terrible and this morning was no better... but it's getting better now. However hearing Him tell me how grateful He is and how proud of me He is that I'm willing to walk through these spaces to please Him in this way... <3 THAT is where my slave heart finds joy. I HOPE that the end result is what He envisioned. W/we won't know for a bit yet. I go back to the doc next Thursday and Master will decide if W/we get the other half of the syringe or not... Yes, part of me prays to everything holy that the half W/we did is enough. I fucking do not want to do that again! I hate needles... but if He decides that W/we need to finish it then that is what W/we will do. I definitely think that this cemented for me that I'd personally prefer to do the surgeries where He is... or at the very least have Him here to help me in the beginning... but that is a decision He will make when the time comes. 

Until then I'm holding on to two mental pictures: #1 hoping that He looks at me the way my student did when all is said and done... 

#2 hoping that in 12 days He really enjoy the look of my new and improved lips being very busy ... *cough* *wink* 

~His slaveMikayla

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