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Once you are made REAL

I, like the velveteen rabbit, have been made REAL. I have gone through the process of seeing my own truest self and nature. I know WHO I am, and that can never be taken from me.
I am a slave hearted submissive with a heart the size of the ocean and an emotional capacity wider than the sky.
I am a woman of Faith, though a believer of the truth and validity many religions.
I am a singer, a trained chef, and an amateur artist of no remarkable talent ^__^.
I am above all else; myself, the velveteen slave.
The Man who "made me Real" has moved on from the chapter of my life, however I will always remain with the deep and abiding understanding of who I am; for "once you are made real you can never be made unreal again."

This blog is a catalogue of my journey. It includes the lessons that I've learned while walking down my path. It serves to help me remember those lessons that I might retain them. It is my hope that it can provide insight to others as well, perhaps spark an understanding or a feeling of camaraderie.

~The Velveteen slave; Faith; His Mikayla{MstrJ}

*The girl accepted MstrJ's collar on 2/10/22 and her new name; Mikayla <3
3 weeks ago. September 7, 2022 at 6:06 PM

For my friend wh =o offered an umbrella in the rain; who gave me the best advice I've ever received. Who was kind and selfless when I needed it most. 

I'm terribly deeply sorry for your hurt. 

I have no other words, aside from those You gave me years ago (hard to believe it has been that long..) Don't try to DO anything. Just sit with it. Sit within it. Let the emotions move over and through. They will feel overwhelming at the moment, but over time they will lessen like ripples in a pond until they no longer rock you with them. 

 

 

 

~Faith

(His Delilah, His slaveMikayla)

 

****note for those who can't read between the lines, this is NOT about me or my life. This is me reaching out in care for a friend.****

 

4 weeks ago. August 31, 2022 at 8:24 PM

Tonight I'm doing something i have literally never in my whole life allowed myself to do. I'm not going to share yet what it is, but it is enough to say that He has given me a gift I could not have imagined I'd be allowed to have. Ever. I'm really actually truly allowing myself to hope and dream. 

 

One of my rules for my own self preservation for a very long time was that I was not allowed to have expectations, or really hopes. A mental image or a plan of what I'd *like* in any given situation. 

 

If I had a hope, a desire, a plan... then I had something to lose. It was a disappointment waiting to happen. The word "fantasy" was a dirty word in my mind because it connotes something that cant really happen... so why in the hell would you want to dwell on that?! 

 

Yes, we make plans and they go awry. That's okay. That's life. However, when your life is a series of extremes in that at least for myself my only defense was to stop hoping. Accept what comes. Live in gratitude for the moment, and just exist. Yes, this is healthy to be mindful and live in joy of the present... but taken to the extreme of not allowing yourself to have hopes and dreams is detrimental. 

 

Today at work a male colleague told me the following: "So I heard you met Prince Charming... you deserve that." 

He isn't wrong. 

I know there will be ups and downs in the short term and the long. I know there are no such thing as fairytales for real. We will drive eachother nuts on occasion. I'm going to mess up and spill the paint on the deck. You're going to mishear something I say.. or I'm truly going to ram my foot so far down my throat that one would think I mustn't be able to breathe. Pills, Bills, and Everything in Between. 

 

But today, You have given me the gift of being allowed to hope and look forward to and actually look at something I've in my whole life not even one time ever allowed myself to look at with regards to myself, because YOU desire it for You, for me, for U/us. 

 

I hope just one time I ever manage to make You feel the way You make me feel. I truly pray that just one time in life I could let You hold my heart in Your hands and actually feel the way You make me feel. Thank You. I can't adequately put it into deeper words, so I'll suffice it at that. 

 

 

I will never be able to repay You for all of the ways You make my life better...but I'm going to work every single day to find a way. 

~His slave, His girl Mikayla

1 month ago. August 27, 2022 at 11:27 AM

Seems like a no duh thing, but it's easy to forget. 

Assurance and trust come from consistency... but healing comes from hardship. (oh those pesky typos! Dammit Jim!)

I've never told this story publicly, but I'm feeling led to today. 

 

MstrJ and I had gone back and forth getting to know one another sometimes from up close (metaphorically) and sometimes at a distance. W/we spent a lot of time just *talking* for HOURS about everything and nothing. Existing in and around eachother's space (over phone and internet)... but I was not *in*. More specifically I hadn't let Him in. I was interested, but I was very much in control of how much and what parts of me He saw. Best foot forward, right? 

 

One of O/our favorite pasttimes was kinky karaoke. One week about 3 or 4 months into talking I was feeling really on top of the world. The typical group leader had delegated the emcee job to another regular and myself. Now, when I'm feeling particularly funny my sense of humor can be off the walls. So I was joking around with the other host and things went sideways. I upset him, I had no intention to, so I apologized immediately, and sincerely. That went doubly sideways. MstrJ wasnt there for the beginning, but He was there when I apologized. I have never once in my life ever intended to upset or worse embarrass someone. 

The host went off on me in front of the whole group took everything sideways, and I took it HARD. 

I have Aspergers Autism, and I was very much in meltdown. I was crying so hard I couldnt breathe, feeling incredible anxiety, and all kinds of out of control. I couldnt order my thoughts or my words. 

 

For all intents and purposes MstrJ "followed" me, as best He could online. He was calling me immediately trying to find out what in the ever living hell had happened. He was not mad at me, He was not on my side either... there was no side to take. I thought hard about not picking up. I did not want Him to see me that way. I was embarrassed. I was hurt. I was frightened. I was very much not in control. I knew that if I did not pick up the phone that was kinda the nail in the coffin. In or out. 

I picked up and stayed where I was crying. He didn't ask me to stop. He didn't demand answers. He just sat with me. When I could speak I asked if W/we could talk about ANYTHING else. He talked to me about His day. He led the conversation to neutral territory until I took a deep breath and found my words to explain. 

I told Him everything that had happened from my side. I then couldn't even look at Him as I asked Him if I'd done wrong by Him, if I'd disappointed Him. (I had not, though He was very intentional to acknowledge there are always two perspectives and He wasnt there so His judgment there was limited.) 

 

That night was the night that I let Him in. It was the night I decided I was *in*, and He has never for one minute stopped being that man. The way He handled me showed incredible wisdom, restraint, patience, compassion, and empathy. I also appreciated the fact He was not blindly on my side. He cemented His judgment as fair in that moment. 

 

I've had a few more of those moments in which incredible emotional turmoil brought about deep healing (or strides towards it) because of His response to them, 

 

Last night I had another. I was walking through spaces I had not expected to hit me the way they did. I felt foolish. I felt stupid. I felt petty. I felt emotionally "too much" and "ugly". I didnt want to let Him see those spaces. People in the past have misunderstood them as manipulative. He is the first one to point out that if I don't WANT Him to see them, then it isnt that. No part of me is going: "ooh here are my emotions deal with them and change to suit them." I don't want any part of Him to change because of my emotions... it would be hollow. I'd rather hide those parts of me and deal with them on my own, but that isn't my decision to make. He owns those too. He owns the happy, the joy, the exhuberent, the dedicated, the attractive.... but He also owns the hurt, the shame, the uncomfortable, the shadow self. He owns the parts of me I dont even understand. 

 

The best part is when I didn't want to name it, He did. He knew exactly. No, He isnt a mind reader, no Dom should be expected to be... but He understands me to the fiber of my being. I don't know that I understand Him half as well, but I TRY, 

... and atop it all, He knows exactly how to touch those deeply wounded places to soothe them. No, it isn't a magic wand, but it is a salve. Over time, and with consistency and those terribly awful uncomfortable moments, healing will come. Like so many other areas one day I will look back and not recognize on a deeply associated level the spaces I'm in now. 

 

I don't *understand and identify* with the woman who was terrified to wake up in the morning and look at her phone afraid that He changed His mind. That is gone. 

I don't *understand and identify* with the woman who was afraid to be openly emotional in front of Him because "I'm not in the mood for what are you feeling today." 

That is gone. 

I don't *understand and identify* with the woman who used to feel ashamed and apologize for having other responsibilities because they infringe upon His time. 

That is gone. 

I don't *understand and identify* with the woman who used to deeply fear upsetting my person and what their reaction would be. 

That is gone. 

 

She has been replaced with the sure knowledge that He will be there, every single day, so long as it is in His power, and He will MAKE it possible. 

She has been replaced with someone who is very emotionally open, because I know that He can handle me, and He loves exactly me. Emotions included. Moreover, He understands and is not afraid to show me His emotions right on back. 

She has been replaced with a woman who is doing better regularly with feeling comfortable sharing "O/our time" and attending to these responsibilities for Him, because all of them are His domain. 

She has been replaced with the absolute comfort and faith knowing He is safe. His anger, His disappointment they are never DESIRED... but He is safe. 

 

 

Thank You for consistency. Thank You for knowing me so well that sometimes You voice the words I'm afraid to. Thank You for knowing how to put a soothing hand on all of those places, and never being too tired, too busy, too anything to do so. 

I will never be able to repay You aside from this... to never hide my appreciation for all You are. 

 

 

~His slave Mikayla,

His Delilah

1 month ago. August 21, 2022 at 3:35 PM

Words are such powerful things. The most precious and well placed words can bring a smile to your heart years and years down the line when you least expect them... 

How someone important mispronounced your name the very first time, and so every time you hear it that way afterward, it just reminds you of them. 

The greatest compliment someone ever gave you echoes in your heart whenever key words are said...

 

 

But words can be insidious deterimental devastating things. They can poison parts of your heart and mind that you thought were long cleansed. You had not thought about a person or the damage they wrought in you until something just rings a little too close and all of a sudden, you are keenly aware of exactly how unhealed that part of you is. How much deep heartache there is there. How much fear and uncertainty lives there... 

 

So you bring this honesty and all of the hurt and you acknowledge it. No it isnt His to fix. He didnt do the damage, but the damage is there none the less. He reminds you one more time why He is who He is... instead of seeing it as just one more in a list of "great, now I have to deal with this nonsense?!!" No... "Now i have an opportunity to help heal this!" 

 

Is it fixed? 

Not by a long shot. Still many many tears to cry. Lots to unpack there. However, I know without a shadow of a doubt that it WILL be okay. He has helped me to find healing in so many hard spaces, much harder than these. I've no doubt that this will be just one more in a list. Not the list of people who looked at me and said: "Nah... not worth it, too much." Nope. One more in the list of things He rolled up His sleeves and said: "I've got this. I'm different. W/we've got this. W/we're different." 

 

For all those on BOTH sides of the slash who find those actions or words that bring your world temporarily spinning down around you... you arent alone. I'm sorry for who and what hurt you. I'm sorry for who and what hurt me. For those on BOTH sides of the slash who are strong enough, brave enough, and bullheadded enough to stick with us.... thank you. Thank you for being different. 

 

 

~His slave Mikayla

missing you so badly words can not be found. Missing Home. Missing being of service, but grateful You are different. Grateful You love me differently. Thank You. 

1 month ago. August 19, 2022 at 9:14 AM

 

Partnership can take many forms. 

There is no connotation that partner means equal in any or all aspects. 

Anyone who does business knows that there are many different types and forms of partnership, and being a partner in a business does not necessitate that you have control, sway, or say in the goings on of the business. 

A Limited partnership by definition is one in which one or multiple secondary individuals provide financing for the business, but they do not control the decision making process or goings on of the business. 

I'm not going to try and show my VERY LIMITED knowledge of business at this point, because I know for dead sure there are folks on here who could definitely school me on it. 

Then there are a million other ways in which that term is used which also apply...

Any activity which requires people to work together is, in my opinion, a partnership. 

If I'm a teacher, it only works if my students are willing to do the work in learning. That makes it a partnership. 

A boss and employee are in a partnership of a kind. I can't actually FORCE my employees to do their work, it requires their buy in and effort. That is a partnership. 

 

Do my Master and I have a partnership? 

HELL YES WE DO. 

 

Actually, I quietly lost my mind when He introduced me as His partner to someone. I literally lost it. I don't want to be His "girlfriend" I'll never be His "girlfriend" that would be a huge step down from what I am. That isnt a brag at all. The point is "girlfriend" to me would definitely connote a vanilla "equal footing" stance, where "partner" means "there is stuff here that is bigger/deeper/ and not explained." It is the way that He acknowledges that I'm not His girlfriend, but I'm His. If He could get away with outright saying: "she's My slave. she's My property. she's Mine." Yeah, He'd do it... but there are times that just isnt appropriate. 

But none of this is really about what He says to others, in the end, my level of care for that only goes so deep. (and that's due to baggage from people who took advantage of my submissive nature to do damage there. )

More importantly W/we acknowledge that W/we are a partnership. 

THAT is a big and important deal and I want to explain why. 

 

I've heard some people I really respect question whether D/s is a partnership or not... and I feel very strongly that it is. I think you are robbing yourself if you don't look at it that way. 

We don't love in Mr. Grey world. MstrJ is not a billionaire. He is a 30 something normal guy (who is the worlds most AMAZING MAN imo, but that's mine to know ;)) He has limited time, limited energy, limited resources, and a normal life. 

Guess what! So do I!

I'm a normal woman, I've a normal life, normal responsibilities, normal limitations, and I work in a literal third world country. I'm not rolling in the resources here. I'm resourceful.... but I'm not full of unlimited resources. 

Add to that, I've been walking on this rock for closer to 30 than 40 years... I've gotten damaged and nicked and bruised and a bit worn around the edges on my travels. I'm not perfect inside or out. 

..... so is He. He is perfectly imperfect. He has been beaten up pretty well on His journey, and is working hard at rubbing off the dust and buffing out the dents. 

What's that got to do with partnership? 

 

If you are a billionaire with no constraints on your time, energy, finances, and you have no "baggage" to speak of then you can afford to go and find your perfect little ready made prince/princess doll. Go get a shiny new one out of the box that only needs to have the packaging opened and voila! Good to go!

You need nothing from your toy, aside from to exist. Sit there and look pretty. 

Guess what! That shiny new dolly wouldnt have any NEED or DESIRE to be a partner. They get to just be played with. What a glorious life. 

 

That isn't O/our reality. I am VERY okay with that not being O/our reality. 

One of the things MstrJ knows about me is that I get a lot of personal satisfaction from "doing very hard thing for Him as a way of showing Him what I would do or go through for Him." 

W/we are building a life TOGETHER. 

I'm not walking in to *poyfect house and home. DONE!*

I'm not walking in to *poyfect life put it in Instagram. DONE!*

I'm not walking in to flawless specimen of a man hunk who is 100% stable and together 100% of the time, he is a motivational speaker and a guru. DONE!* (I dont even know if that exists, I was struggling to find the person equivalent)

........................................................ 

but I wouldn't want any of that. 

 

i LOVE working WITH Him at HIS direction in HIS time and in HIS way to build that *poyfect Home... poyfect for Him and poyfct for U/us*

i LOVE working WITH Him at HIS direction in HIS time and in HIS way to build that *poyfect life.... poyfect for Him and poyfct for U/us*... and part of the perfection there is actually the work that goes into it from BOTH O/our sides. Even the mistakes along the way. I never want to get rid of the chaise lounger that W/we recovered... not when W/we are 80. It is NOT perfect, but W/we worked HARD to fix it, and it is BEAUTIFUL. 

It took BOTH of U/us to build. I couldn't do it alone. You bet I did it for Him, at His bidding, with my resources, and with both of our sweat and slight cussing and a lot of laughter... which is exactly right for U/us. 

You bet I spent what 2 hours with pliers ripping out old staples and fabric until I had a 3 inch blister on my palm while He half listened to Shits Creek with me and worked on sawing wood for a BBQ. ... But then I needed help to get the new fabric on while I stabilized it. I couldn't do it alone, and neither could He. It was a group effort... a partnership. 

 

I can't fix me alone. 

We all want to say that we have to fix ourselves to be good for someone else. 

I don;t think I could have fixed myself completely, because some ddamage that was done by "others" can only really be wiped out by having the similar situation go RIGHT ... over and over and over, until those fears of past failures, past damage, past abuse disappear. 

 

I can't do that alone. I need Him. 

 

He needs me. He is whole and complete all by Himself. 

He is an amazing man, and I truly do not believe I will ever know His like... He is my Hero in every way... but I add value to His life. I know because He is not afraid to tell me, to admit that, and to acknowledge the ways in which I help Him too. 

 

He is my Partner, and I am His. I can't do this lifestyle alone... it requires Him. 

He can't do this lifestyle without me (or another partner) it takes two to tango. 

 

I am a partner that follows His lead to the very best of my ability every minute of every day... but at the same time... He is a Partner that leads by listening and watching. He does not lead with an eye only out for His own goals and His own pleasure and His own road map. He leads by keeping His eyes and ears open for opportunities to guide me towards strength, wholeness, happiness, wellness, and fulfillment. 

He hears I'm struggling with pain from the new braces so much that I can't politely listen the way i would... I cant even THINK much less communicate... and He asks me to accept this pain for Him. Not because the sadist in Him is getting off on knowing I'm in pain. NO. He knows that I need a line to hang on to... that my sensory issues are struggling HARD. So He will use the tools in His toolbelt and fabricate that anchor to Him. 

"I want you to kneel for Me and concentrate. Center yourself on Me. Know that you are walking through this pain because I have asked it of you. Know that this pain is necessary to take another step into the form I desire for you. It is necessary to permanently alter my property into the form that will better serve Me. Find comfort in the knowledge that you are doing this for Me."

....Fuck that Man is brilliant. 

and I am incredibly beyond lucky to be allowed to be His partner. 

 

 

Thank You for all that You bring to O/our relationship. 

Thank You for Your time. 

Thank You for Your energy. 

Thank You for Your love.

Thank You for Your creativity.

Thank You for Your communication.

Thank You for Your trust. 

Thank You for all You provide tangible and intangible. 

Thank You for the gifts You have given not only me, but "big girl". 

Thank You most of all for the gift of You. 

 

I do not take You for granted. 

I do not take Your time, energy, effort, creativity, love, respect, communication, trust... I take none of it for granted. I know to the cells of my bones that I can not even contemplate the loss of You. I do not desire to be a controlling partner, I desire to follow Your lead. I do not desire to shape the flow of You or U/us, but I respect that You seek in all ways direct and indirect to know me; my heart, mind, spirit, body, the totality of past present and future to make the best decisions for U/us and me. 

 

Thank You for love like rain in the desert. 

*lays head on Your toes and kisses Your instep... because THAT is where my heart lives... not out of degradation, but out of devotion and gratitude.*

 

~His slaveMikayla

 

 

1 month ago. August 16, 2022 at 5:57 PM

I had the most surreal realization today, but I think it's actually true. It is only loosely D/s related, but it is very related to me being s service oriented submissive/slave. 

 

I missed my calling. 

 

I'm a GREAT teacher, don't get me wrong. I get immense satisfaction and I strongly believe in the work I do. 

 

However, from the standpoint of what I'm just innately amazing at, and would have never felt like I worked a day in my life, I missed it. 

I have never considered myself a "visionary", but looking at the moments in my life where I absolutely EXCEL, it is in this. I am an exceptional planner and organizer. I have amazing attention to detail. I'm talented at getting to the emotional heart of people and just finding ways to speak to that. I should have been an event planner. I know it sounds like a really silly frivolous job, but it is the career I think I would have truly shined at. 

 

I look back at moments in my life where I've been allowed to look at an event, a time, a milestone celebration, or even a space and been tasked with creating the *moment* surrounding it, and that is where I absolutely shine. 

 

i can spend countless hours researching and sussing out deals and itineraries. Even when it came to my uncle who wanted to do something special for my aunt for their 25th wedding anniversary... I managed to figure out that she really wanted to redo their vows and upgrade their wedding band. I pulled that off within a week and included really sentimental elements which she still talks about today. 

 

I think this all speaks very much to that service side of my personality in a way that teaching does not. 

 

Not really applicable to anyone else's journey, just a personal *eureka!* moment. 

 

~His slaveMikayla <3

 

 

1 month ago. August 15, 2022 at 8:41 AM

As with many in this lifestyle there are many different layers and levels to O/our dynamic. 

Some W/we write about often either because of comfort with the discussion, or because there is just more interaction right now in those spaces. 

Other levels to the dynamic just don't get brought up as much, usually because progress there is slower. 

Not only is MstrJ my Master, and Owner, as I am slave hearted submissive, but He is also my Maker. I have discussed this concept or alluded to it a few times, but there really isnt a lot there to SAY. Most of it is just day in and day out do the work to find success in areas that will bring Him long term pleasure. 

 

TODAY however, there is PROGRESS! ^_^ 

Last night/today is a big day and it deserves celebrating (at least by U/us)

 

So I've been on a long and continuing journey to reshape my body health wise in order to better suit my Maker's desires. That is a road that still has miles and miles to walk. Some I will be able to do through consistent intentional effort (I'm 80lbs down, though I did gain a bit when I was with Him because I lacked the equipment I rely on to do that everyday work... and neither of U/us made it a priority during this visit.) Side note: that is nothing for me to carry shame over. It is HIS choice to make something available or make it a priority or not. The consequences of those decisions are also His. I do NOT get to feel badly about following the priorities He sets, the goals He sets, or the outcomes thereof. Instead I get to smile and know I followed the priorities He set and THAT was good and right. *okay back on point*. 

 

So I've lost 80 lbs from my starting point and I've got a further 20-30 to go to be "ideal health" however that will likely not be enough. It will leave me with some issues related to skin and "perkiness" which will likely need to be addressed with medical help later. Again, mine is not to worry about the when and how, i follow the path and just *go with it*. 

Aside from the weight though, one of the things that was a major "issue" was my lower teeth. When I was a teen I had a bit of an accident and as a result I had 12 teeth cracked 4 of which were permanent. My permanent lower centrals were shattered and unstable. The dentist at the time used a cement to stabilizr the 4 bottoms together and glued the cracked piece back on. 20 years later that did not hold up and the cement cracked etc. Those lowers have migrated and just done weirdness. 

3 months ago I had a double root canal to handle the damage that was hidden, and begin the process of restoring myself and improving this area for Him. It took 3 months for the teeth to fully stabilize and for the bone density to return to levels in my jaw where the orthodontist could take it from there.... sooooo...........

drumroll..............

the girl now has BRACES! 

I didn't know when I went to the appointment that I'd be coming home with a full set of lowers all done, but I did! I thought we were just going to talk time and cost, but being in the country I'm in, stuff can either take FOREVER or just *boom* done. 

So I got there at 7pm, and walked out the door at 9pm with my braces! 

 

This is a big deal for U/us because it is the first PERMANENT change that has been made solely for the pleasure of Him. YES, I will reap some of the rewards. I look forward to seeing my smile without having to be sure my lower lip is touching the bottom of my top teeth. I look forward to being able to do certain other *cough* activities *cough* with less concern over angle etc because I had no idea how much one tooth out of place could be a major pain in the ass or well... pain in the *something*. *wink*. 

 

Most of all though I really enjoy the fact that I'm on the road to this permanent change, the first of many, for Him. 

 

Thank You for Your roadmap to success. 

Thank You for having a vision for what "perfection" looks like for me for You. 

Thank You for working with me to get there, because I do desire to be Your perfect doll. 

Now... to go and get some ibuprofen because my lower lip hates me ^__^ but I cant help but smile every time I'm aware of them, as they are a constant awareness of You. 

 

~His slave Mikayla

One of the first ways I knew that this all rung true for me was the "Don't replace her, change her" meme. Yes, I know HEATED feelings on all sides of that, but for *******ME******* it's good and right and I desire this concept. 

Not U/us, but getting there. Though on days, His arms could go toe to toe with dude man's. GUH I have a love affair with Your arms Master of mine. <3 <3 <3 ok... Your arms, Your hair, your smile, Your eyes, that one spot... and and and and. Yeah, I fucking adore You. Now if only I could get my own legs and arms to BEHAVE damnit :p. 

1 month ago. August 13, 2022 at 8:45 AM

 

When i come across a different opinion or perspective and I'm unable to see eye to eye with someone, it is very usual for me to say: "Master of mine, would You happen to have time to read a thing with me? I'd like to see if I'm off base on something." 

Then W/we will sit together and read it and discuss. I'm always on the lookout to be sure that my mentality and understanding is in line with His. How can I ensure that my behaviors are in line with His expectations? By ensuring my mentality is. No, W/we don't read every blog written by every person, but W/we do read quite a bit. It works as a good "jumping off point" for conversations. Many of these conversations have provided great opportunity for fruitful conversations which lead to growth or deeper understanding. 

 

This morning at o'dark thirty I brought one such article to His attention. I was concerned because I wasnt sure I'd explained myself very clearly. In the reply i got I felt a solid "push back" and wanted to be sure I was not off base with regards to His mentality. 

 

The timing was really opportune. We spent the vast majority of yesterday talking on and off. Yep, W/we both slept in the middle of the call at different times, and He went golfing, W/we both did dishes etc etc etc... but W/we always meet back and do U/us. W/we had MANY conversations throughout the day. One, however, was really relevant to the point. I slept about 5 hours in the middle of my night and then woke up to spend time with Him before He slept. Then I struggled to fall back asleep. I was TIRED, but I was wound. When W/we came back together I explained that my mind is at war with me. I've got some major conversations coming up with very big consequences. There are maybe 20 different possible answers from those conversations, and each one then presents maybe 100 different combinations of results. My own mentod of doing life is that I dont move forward until i have thought through every possible outcome and then planned my reaction and the "what then" to each... only when I know I can manage and cope with every possible outcome do i move forward. Because there are so many moving pieces to this one I'm spinning. I'm unable to find my peace because I KNOW I cant think it all through. Hello "J" type hell. So I set it all before Him. I told Him how I couldnt sleep because every time I try another scenario will pop up and I'll lay there trying to chess it out. 

He heard it all VERY patiently and then told me the following:

"My girl, I know and hear that your rabbit brain is jumping through all of these possibilities. I know this is how you cope with change. I  know that you would feel much more comfortable if you could work out every possibility and know exactly how to deal with each. When we are faced with usual situations and 5 or 6 possibilities, that is functional and positivie. In this case, however, with so many different potential answers and each one leading to different outcomes which then effect and play off of other answers we come to hundreds of potential outcomes. It is not possible for you to hampster wheel this one out. Like all things, we need answers. We can only make wise decisions with answers. Those answers will then narrow down the potential outcomes and THEN we can plan and figure out what the best way to more forward is. If you continue to worry over this, you will not sleep, you will have no peace, and you will drive yourself nuts. So. I want you to let the outcomes go for now. i know you are carrying the weight because the outcomes will affect Me and U/us. i know you want to do everything in your power to influence things to best serve Me, but for now, how you can best serve Me is to know and have faith and trust that W/we will handle whatever the answers are together. 

So W/we will be patient for the days or week or weeks it takes to get those answers. You will let your mind and heart rest until W/we have them, and when you do, you will bring them to Me and W/we will handle them. Understood?" 

 

Years ago my ex husband used to get very frustrated with me and tell me that I created the worst problems when I tried to solve things on my own. He demanded absolute transparency, but he was also not trustworthy to be helpful and kind and "good" with the information. He used it to tear me down and control me in abusive ways. At the same time, I stink at lying. Hiding things was a constant source of fear and weight for me. I had to hide things like having friends and buying food... normal things which I never should have HAD to hide. Much less could I come to him and talk about a problem I was having, because as far as he was concerned I should have no problems because nothing outside of his needs should exist. 

 

Other dominants in my past made me believe that my problems were just "too much". "You'd be a challenge for any dominant, much less an inexperienced one." or "I am not in the mood for "guess how I'm feeling today" Why can't you just directly say what you want?" 

 

MstrJ never does that. He has NEVER NOT ONCE NOT EVER made me feel bad for coming to Him with a problem or a stress, or any communication. He is always there, willing and wanting to listen. I remember one blog i read a long time ago that honestly pissed me off to no end. It was written by a Dom I  had respected a LOT which bothered me MORE! This man basically said that submissives shouldnt bother their Doms with their female communication. That that is what girlfriends are for. Doms arent there to listen to their petty blah blah blah. .....................................

0__0..... I was absolutely livid. It's not that I don't respect MstrJ's time, i DO!!!! I do with every fiber of my being. I respect and appreciate every single minute that He spends with me. I'm GRATEFUL for them. I KNOW He could be doing any one of a million other things, but instead He chooses to speak with me. I'm honored by that. One of the ways I honor Him back is by giving Him all of me. 

He owns ALL of me. 

He owns my body, you bet. 

He owns my heart, every single breath, 

He owns my energy, and my time and my goals.

He owns my MIND, and every mentality that i operate on. 

How can He be unaware of what is affecting any of those?! 

How can someone be in control of, in charge of, and responsible for all of those things and then not be given transparency regarding them?! 

 

How can a Dom (or a submissive) know that heart, mind, and body are connected ... and then pretend that when something is troubling one part of you think it wont affect the rest? DUH I tell Him everything... because if I don't He can't do what it is He has asked to do. He can't be responsible for what He has taken responsiblity for. 

 

The very first D/s lesson I was ever taught was: "Once you cede control of some aspect of yourself or your life you can NOT take it back unilaterally. It breaks the trust and the dynamic you have built." 

 

So no, I don't wait to talk to him until I have all the answers. They aren't my answers to unilaterally decide. 

I don't wait to talk to him until I have made a decision about what the path forward looks like... it isnt my path to choose alone. 

I don't wait to talk to him until i have all the words, because most of the time it is in the pouring myself out to Him transparently that I FIND the words, and part of that pouring out gives Him all of the information about the real real part of me He needs to know to make those decisions. 

 

To wait to talk to Him when I have answers, or decisions, or even words would steal from Him. It would rob Him of the knowledge and the right to knowledge and decision making that I've ceded to Him. It would rob Him of O/our dynamic. 

It would also rob ME! It would rob me of His comfort. It would rob me of my safe place. It would rob me of the feeling of closeness that giving it all to Him brings. It would rob me of my submission and all of the blessings that He gives to me; peace, comfort, and understanding chief among them. 

 

A vanilla wedding often includes the words "in sickeness and in health, in ease and adversity" ... and there is absolute wisdom in this. It is because depth and trust arent built in health and ease and joy.. it is built in the hard moments. It is built when it would be easier to say: "eh pass." But instead you stick around and roll up your sleeves and put in the hard work to earn trust equity, relationship equity. That is true on both sides. 

 

If you arent in a relationship where you are rolling up your sleeves and building relationship equity by allowing your Person to be there for ALL of it.... maybe it's time to ask why? Why are you robing yourself of it? 

 

". . . it is not uncommon for masters to pride themselves on the depth with which they know their slave girls; this depth is far greater in my opinion than that with which the average husband of Earth knows his wife; the slave girl is not simply someone with whom the man lives; she is very special to him; she is a treasured possession; he owns her; he wants to know, profoundly and deeply, the background, history, the mind, the intelligence, the appetites, the nature and the dispositions of his lovely article of property;..."
~Tribesmen of Gor Book 10 Page 42"

 

Thank You, Master for always having the time... for MAKING the time. 

Thank You Master, for desiring to know it all, and for being trustworthy with it all. 

Thank You Master for never treating me as "too much" 

Thank You Master for all of the ways You help me cope with life's changes and challenges and for never allowing me to walk it alone. 

Thank You Master for knowing this girl and all areas of her heart, body and soul because You desire to know it all. 

 

~His slave Mikayla

 

 

 

 

1 month ago. August 11, 2022 at 5:28 AM

So  walking back into this side of life has been HARD. That is completely and totally logical, it would be a very powerful and negative commentary on things if I could just switch on and off that part of me that found Home and Happy with Him. 

Coming back to this side of the world after being in His Home and living in service to my Master was very much a cycle of grief. In the first half of the month there I was blissfully happy, and really settling into life very carefree (well aside from being incredibly attentive to Him and His needs). Then as we inched towards the midway point around His birthday I stopped looking at the date. I was consciously refusing to even know what day of the week my flight was. I knew when I hit that roughly 1 week to go point, and internally I just got wound. It was a conscious refusal to deal with it not looking at my phone lest I accidentally see the date. Then I slipped and I saw it.... August 28 and my brain had this blind terror... is that 3 days? 4? Quick! 30 days has september april june and november... *sigh of slight relief* 31... ok so 28, 29, 30, 31, 1, 2.... 5 days left. My whole self dropped to the floor. He was at work when it happened and i just sat and cried. There was nothing else to do about it. There were no words. No arguments. Nothing to change... and no way to accept it. I just cried. 

 

I tried my best to put it out of my mind before He came home... I mean what is the point in ruining O/our time together? He deserved to come home to happy. You better bet I cooked the best meal of the whole darm month that night. Recleaned EVERY inch of the house, I mean it was SPOTLESS. 

The next day I put on a brave face until He went to work, but you better believe I had not slept a wink all night. I couldnt. I told myself I'd sleep that day... but nope. The realization had lit a fire under my ass. That day I packed. I pulled up my big girl pants for 3 minutes, pulled everything into the living room... stared at it.. lost my emotions again, and then spent two hours packing everything and keeping aside only the things I'd need for the last days. Why did I do it then? Because the last 3 days we'd have together and I didnt want Him to have to see me cry like that. I also remembered that one of the things He appreciated most on February was how well I handled the packing and moving us from place to place. I was good about finding time the night before a location change to pack everything so all He had to do was double check I'd missed nothing. 

 

The last two days were spent basically tethered to eachother. I was numb. The last time He came in from work i could not help it. I knew it was the last time I'd take off His shoes from work, and i just laid my head down on His toes and sobbed. He definitely understood. 

 

One of the things W/we learned last time in February is that it's really wise to find something memorable but not necessarily D/s related to do on the last day. In February W/we went to Medieval Knights. It was a fantastic experience, and it worked wonders to keep O/our minds off of it. This time He took U/us to a local Meadery. In a way, it was a continuation of the February visit. W/we spent the afternoon laying in hammocks under the trees, rocking in the breeze with glorious mead slushies. It was a bizarre parallel of February in the Caribbean. 

 

On the way to the airport I was exhausted. I'd done the best I could to keep it together, but man I was losing it. On the trip back, i was just exhausted. I was emotionally tired. I was physically tired. I'd not slept well in literally 5 days. Nothing felt "right". 

Getting back here just felt *wrong*. Nothing was okay. 

 

It has taken me solidly 8 days to finally start to pull out of it. This is not a reflection of anything bad or negative. The reason I'm writing this is for anyone who goes into and through a similar type of situation. For me, I dont really get "drop" after a scene. It CAN happen, but it just doesnt usually for me. I actually look forward to the day W/we go into spaces that are powerful enough to cause that. ^_^ LOL. I'll give Him a hell of a BRAVO. 

This for me was drop, and it was hard. It was a loss of motivation. I had no desire to do the things I'd so thoroughly enjoyed doing for Him. I didnt want to clean. i didnt want to cook. I didnt want to be incredibly productive. When I was there I'd go for 12 or 13 hours straight handling all of the things and just enjoy that effort. I didnt even really want to get back on my bike which i'd missed quite a lot when I was there. I didnt want to sleep, though my body desperately needed to. I wasnt depressed really. I was just numb. 

He has done an amazing job supporting me through it. 

#1 He has been consistent with His communication, making sure that I know He is still there and W/we are still growing even if I'm back here. 

#2 He did a good job preemptively setting up systems which would ensure that growth. 

#3 He found a mindset and words that would help me to keep a solid grasp on the mentality He desired. 

#4 He made sure to give me space to discuss how I was feeling, and never hid His own struggles. In a way it validated my own spaces. 

#5 He encouraged me to get back into routines for Him and to maintain them. 

 

The mentality is that now that W/we have the baseline I'm to practice and get better at certain things that He has and will continue to outline so that next time I'm better able to serve Him in those areas. The other mentality related to "extending His reach" I'll not outline here, as that is His brilliance to share, or keep as a trade secret. 

 

In the end, nothing can really prevent drop. There is no magic cure aside from time and care; both self care and care from your Partner. I can not imagine going through this alone. I know I would manage, but man I'd really not like to know what that looks like. 

 

This morning I feel like I've STARTED to turn the corner. Yesterday i forced myself to cook for the first time. I decided to cook something here that W/we enjoyed cooking together. One of he best and most memorable meals W/we cooked was orange chicken and W/we did it together. What I managed here was NOTHING compared to what I managed there... I dint have the tools, i dont have the same quality of ingredients... and most of all I dont have Him. Still, it was a start. It was comforting, and also deeply sad. 

I still didnt sleep well last night, but I know it will come. 

I'm back to sleeping sideways across the top of the bed, because I dont want to sleep *in* it. It's a "tell" for me apparently. No part of me feels at home here. However, this morning I finally woke with the motivation to do dishes, and do laundry, and get on the bike, and vacuum, and go to the bank... so I'm on the climb out of the pit of drop. Not yet "level" not yet Happy... and in no way shape or form "at home" ... but improving. 

 

 

Thank You Master for allowing me to come to Your Home and serve You. 

Thank You for understanding when I started to grieve the leaving. 

Thank You for being so wise as to put in place mentalities that made this bearable. 

Thank You for consistency. 

Thank You for communication.

Thank You for planning for the future, which gives me hope. 

I miss You every single minute of every single day with literally every breath. 

I wouldnt change that for the world. It just reminds me how clearly i know exactly where Home is. 

 

His slave Mikayla,

His Delilah girl <3

1 month ago. August 9, 2022 at 4:58 AM

<3 I had my David and Goliath, and You were there to walk me through it when everyone else let me down. 

 

Now You have the season of the Crow. 

 

So, to help You through it:

 

 

With all my love and support;

Your slaveMikayla; Your Delilah