Once you are made REAL

When I first met my Master the very first thing He decided to tackle was my inability to accept appreciation. I didn't know how to accept other people's words as truth for a plethora of reasons...

I was too hurt... I didn't like myself very much... just a lot. 

We had talked about how in a previous very very abusive relationship I'd flat out broken down when the person said "I'm proud of you". I could hear and accept LOVE easily. "I love you" was easy. "I'm proud of you" damn near broke me. 

A different previous partner used to tell me on the regular that I needed to trust myself more as a parent. That was something I definitely did not do. I don't think he was telling me that because He trusted me as a parent, but rather because he was on his way out the door and didn't want to have to give a sh** anymore. 

So when MstrJ and I got down to business He decided that that was the first thing He needed and wanted to tackle with me. He has done an exceptionally good job at helping me walk past all of that. Past the inability to hear His words and accept them as true. Past my own self doubt and into reasonable judgment of the self. There are times I'm VERY proud of myself, there are times I am not. There are times I really adore myself, and there are times I let myself down. That's a reasonable rubric. 

Over a year ago now someone important suggested that I revisit my needs posts and explain or describe how MstrJ meets those, and I've sat down more times than I can count to do just that... but then I stop. I've never been sure WHY I stop... it just hasn't felt *right*. Today I believe I understand why. I didn't understand or hadnt settled on a purpose, on a noble intention. I was deeply uncomfortable with it. One part of me felt like it would come off badly as "showing off" or rubbing this relationship in people's faces. That's ugly. Another part of me just didn't see the point in doing it publicly. I speak my appreciation directly to Him every single day, in many ways; meaningful ways. Words are words, but actions mean so much more... so WHY write it here? What was the point in that? It came across my mind yet again today and a lightbulb went off *finally*. Just as it has taken me a very long time to "get good at" accepting words of affirmation, I also struggle sometimes with saying them meaningfully. I speak with my actions, with my time, with my care, YES I say them, but I place much lower value on the spoken words, but something I do know is that words of affirmation are actually one of His primary Love Languages. So as much as He took the time to help me accept His, I need to take the time to make that my meaningful purpose; to speak those words in meaningful ways not just in ways I'm personally comfortable. So here goes stepping into my own discomfort and let's hope I get a bit better at it. 

Time has always been a big need of mine. 

When we met I was very very hurt. I did not hide this. I had done a lot of work on myself to be able to come to a relationship from a place of healing, but bless that man for all He had to put up with. One of the first things He knew is that in my most recent very important relationship I'd experienced a lot of loss in regard to *time*. I'd watched the time I was given go from hours a day down to waiting for just 10 minutes a day. Constantly being "on call" and "on alert" so that I didn't miss my time. Then out of literally nowhere everything was abruptly cut off and I was once again *dropped*. A relationship prior to that had really ingrained a massive fear of abrupt abandonment. Multiple times I'd just woken up to "I'm gone" out of nowhere. I had no trust, really, and time was one indicator that I held on to. I needed to know that He was reliable, that He would make time intentionally for me, and that He would not disappear. One of the very first promises He made to me is that no matter what, in some form or another, He would see me *every single day*. I would see His face EVERY. SINGLE.DAY. .... and in over 3 years not a single day has passed that He has not kept that promise. 

At first it was just consistency that mattered. For sure we were in that honeymoon excited getting to know you stage where we could talk about new subjects every single day for 15 hours a day and be excited to do it all over again. It's that "getting to know you" ... but as the years have passed of course there is less and less to discover, but that hasnt made the time any less fun or desired or valuable. See, it isn't just *time* that He spends. It's how intentional and giving He is with His time. He makes U/us a priority, every. single. day. 

Over the years the time we spend varies by season (literal or metaphorical), but what has also changed is the motivation behind it. I am no longer afraid of losing time. Not because I take him for granted, or his time for granted... but because I have learned the hardest thing; to believe Him, believe in Him, and to rely on it. I KNOW that if W/we don't have much time today it isn't because He is bored, or annoyed, or looking elsewhere. I know it in my bones. I don't even have to question it. I KNOW He wants to spend time, but at the same time Time for U/us is also time handling family, and friends, and hobbies, and work... because all of those things are areas of life W/we share! When He is with family, He is saying "hi" for me, and sharing about what's going on in my world with them. When He is playing golf He is having a great time doing something W/we have made memories together with. 

W/we spend time with O/our little nuclear family just the three of U/us. I know too that that time is WANTED... this is another way He is different and exceptional. People before Him made me feel like my responsibility to my kiddo was something they had to "put up with" and that time with her was a burden. (reason why I did not like myself very much) I can't tell you how many times He PICKS family time, genuinely. How much it helps ME when He tells ME that it's good and right to prioritize that time either the three of U/us or she and I. 

His time is one of the greatest gifts He gives to me, and I can not begin to express my gratitude for that gift. 

~His slaveMikayla

This morning I woke up on the last real weekend I have here, and I cut the grass. While doing so I was thinking of one of the best pieces of advice I could give to someone from this summer...

While cutting the lawn I was thinking about the concept that if you treat a house and look after a house like a million dollar home, someday it will be. Likewise if you treat it like a piece of trash starter home, it will only and always be.

The same is true for your people.... yesterday I asked to go to a store because I needed to get work clothes. When W/we went to checkout Master told me that He was getting them for me, because I'm worth the investment. That may sound like a strange turn of phrase, but it's incredibly powerful. Treat your girl like she is your dream girl and in the end she will be. Treat her like a "good for the moment" and you better bet she will be only that, for the moment. 

A few days ago I was out caddying for MstrJ. We had been behind a foursome of men, and as we caught up to them on hole 5 going to 6 one of the men turned round and caught sight of me carting the bag and he said loudly "Well lookit that. What a lucky guy!" To which MstrJ didn't miss a beat and replied "Damn straight!" I could not have smiled wider.

Thank You for this summer. 

Thank You for O/our home. 

Thank You for teaching me to caddy for You. 

Thank You for all te ways You invest in me and U/us. 

~His slaveMikayla

I adore a good bit of comedy. Some of my favorite memories are when scenes haven't gone as planned, or have just had a hiccup or two which has sent me into spasms of laughter and giggle fits. One of my absolute favorites saw one toy sliding out and skittering across a ceramic tile floor with me (tied up pretty decently) trying to scramble after it using toes and mouth to put it back all while both of us are in stitches. 

Another relates to a golfball .... let me tell you, some of the best toys can be improvised! 

I'm very sure I've posted these over the years, but for anyone needing a laugh today:

This is my all time favorite...

a newly found favorite:

We often use bits of this.... Yes Ma'am we're gonna have some Church today! 

Oh boy how can I relate.... well.... I am a teacher and HoD... 

and a few more for good measure ;)

~His slave Mikayla

In the course of my life my picture of Heaven on Earth has changed many times over. There are also quite a few times when I could not have answered you as to what it might be. 

I have a new vision of Heaven on Earth, and I could not have dreamed it up if I'd tried. 

Standing in the yard in 12C weather, paint splatter all over (most notably on His graphic comic spiderman shirt that I was allowed to borrow for paint purposes), and the running shoes that now have holes in the soles and toes because I've run through this 3rd pair too (shoes we picked out together last summer.) All paint spattered. 

Birdsong and cold wind, both blissful change from the silence of the desert. 

Most importantly, the feeling of success, accomplishment, and the surefire knowledge that I've earned my "Good Girl" for finishing the project for this summer... completely knocking down and refurbishing, putting back up, and painting the back fence.... and painting the whole rest of the fence for good measure.... 

I couldn't love that moment more. This summer has been absolutely tremendous on every single level. I'm beyond grateful for all that it has been. 

I've done a ton of weeding and getting areas ready for future planting, there is a lesson in that which I've been very mindful of, but that is a topic for a different day. 

For now, off to get ready to welcome Him Home for the weekend

On Master's table tonight: 

fresh green beans

pan seared Cod with Beurre Blanc

rice pilaf with lemon and brown butter sauce

fresh salad with homemade vinaigrette 

for dessert: homemade lemon curd with Amaretto whipped cream 

and a glass of Pinot Grigio 

https://i.ytimg.com/vi/wowMsteskho/hqdefault.jpg?sqp=-oaymwExCOADEI4CSFryq4qpAyMIARUAAIhCGAHwAQH4AdQGgALgA4oCDAgAEAEYfyBHKCAwDw==&rs=AOn4CLBztXfjHWoSMTOGLGnHsD9d-KGbew

His slaveMikayla

I'm not quite over the hill, but I'm creeping up to the top. 

Tomorrow I turn 39. For the first time in all those years I can honestly say that I want and need for nothing. I don't need a party to feel loved or remembered. I AM loved and remembered every single day. I don't want any gift because the truth is that most times a birthday gift has been one of the few moments people stop to show they are paying attention and noticing me and saying "hey, I am being thoughtful, see!" .... He is thoughtful ALL the time, without needing an occasion, in ways that make a planned moment feel forced. 

Sure, it would be better if I had been able to get there a week earlier so that I'd wake up next to Him... but it was a choice to push the visit later into the summer. It was a choice He made for U/us. It's the RIGHT choice, and I do not feel deprived. 

It's a beautiful feeling right now sitting here and having this feeling of absolute contentment knowing that literally nothing more is needed. 

Thank You for all the ways You love me every single day, care for me and about me every single day, and are thoughtful beyond all measure all the time. Thank You for walking up this hill with me. I'm looking forward to sitting on the top of the mountain with You, and for the slide down the other side. I am looking forward to the fun!

~His slave Mikayla

A path is only a path, it is not inherently good or bad, right or wrong. It is simply a path. There is no harm in walking a path to its end, wherever that may be, and however long it takes. The only difference is in the heart of the path. A path with a heart is a joy to walk. It takes no difficulty. A path with no heart will drain you to the point that when you realize it is the wrong path, it has nearly killed you. Find the path with a heart. (concept by Carlos Castenada )

People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.

All of this we have heard before… at least I have… but it’s no easier to distinguish the paths and the purposes. At least not for me. At least it *wasn’t.*

I’ve been very quiet the last year and a half comparatively to  how I was for the decade and a half prior.

For the last few years I’ve been walking a path that at the outset looked so very similar to all other paths. I had hope. I saw potential. I was, as I always am, optimistic that it could be beneficial… but let’s be real there was no hallelujah chorus singing or anything… there was nothing to give me any reason to say “THIS… THIS will be DIFFERENT!”

Not even the journey itself was remarkably different. I am who I have always been. I am me. I grow… I work hard… but the mettle of me is not different. Neither was He. He is an amazing man, don’t get me wrong… but then, so was every single other person I’d let into my life. Everyone had a REASON… a “draw”.

The only standout difference was the method by which we approached the journey. I’ve been in more D/s relationships than I’d like to count, mostly long term, a few short lived. Quite a few in person, and a few that never made it off the ground so to speak… and all of them taught me things… yet like the concept above, all of them took something from me, wounded me, to varying degrees.

Many of them had common paths, and I just thought “this is what it’s supposed to look like” because it’s what every relationship I respected looked like. That is until Him. Standing at the start, it looked like every other path…. But around each twist and turn that is where the differences have shown up. Now, standing where I am I can say that this path looks NOTHING like any of the other paths. The rest looked the same because they were all the same in one regard… they were not paths with a heart.

Make no mistake, He and I have been paths without a heart for others… it is not something unique to him, or to me… it is just that this path for the two of us does not drain us, but builds, constantly. I have literally had a previous D type tell me that he was an ink pen run dry, and you could get no more ink out of a dry pen… I was his path without a heart.

MstrJ and I loved to attend workshops together, it allowed us to talk about new ideas and explore what they might mean individually and collectively. One of the best ones we ever attended was called Trauma and the Incoming Slave. We did a lot of talking about how important the concepts were.

There is a reason that I’ve not shared a ton of the ins and outs of O/our path here, and it is because of the above understandings…. This path only has a heart because it is U/us and O/our path. It isn’t a roadmap for anyone else. Were you, whoever you are, to try and journey on this path it would do nothing for you. No one can tell him how to Master me, and I can not advise anyone how to look for a “good Dominant” … I’m sorry, but at this point in my journey I truly with all my heart of hearts believe that. What I CAN say is that there was one best piece of advice given to me by a Master I still respect with all my heart; MasterArach. One day he chided me and told me I will paraphrase… “You can’t submit that which you don’t fully own. How can you expect someone to Master you when you can not even define what it is you want. I’d rather be served one single day by a Woman of Worth” . He was discussing the fact that I hadn’t done enough work to be able to list my own needs. I was focusing too much on what I could give, and not enough on what I needed in return. The point being that by so doing I was constantly running on empty myself, and being bled dry, I was constantly “reaching” for energy from my D type which then in turn drained them. I can’t claim that he absolutely KNEW that that was a problem in my path… but it was; NOW I know it was.

So I embarked upon the Needs List project. I looked at every past relationship and every memory I held dear in order to identify what was it that I actually valued and needed in a relationship. Long after this relationship was on its path MasterArach asked me if I would consider revisiting it and acknowledging how it was that MstrJ touched these needs. He said THAT would be a worthwhile read. I have not been ready to do that yet, but I think it’s just about that time.

In 24 days I will be going Home for 2 months. W/we have had time together, several times now… but this feels big and important. Two months feels different. I’m excited. I’m relieved. I’m happy. I’m at peace.

So I’m going to revisit the needs series, but I may deviate and add along the way. So for today I begin by acknowledging that He is my path with a Heart.

I’d also like to point out that people misquote this poem all the time, and it is NECESSARY to correct that.

The Road Not Taken 

BY ROBERT FROST

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,

And sorry I could not travel both

And be one traveler, long I stood

And looked down one as far as I could

To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,

And having perhaps the better claim,

Because it was grassy and wanted wear;

Though as for that the passing there

Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay

In leaves no step had trodden black.

Oh, I kept the first for another day!

Yet knowing how way leads on to way,

I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 Though as for that the passing there

Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay

In leaves no step had trodden black.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When the traveler looks at the paths at the outset he notes that there is NO significant difference. It is NOT less travelled. It is NOT visibly different at all, aside from the clarity of ability to see. It is only in the looking back that the traveler says it was less travelled by, and better, but from the outset, that was unclear.

When you begin your path you have no way to know if it will be a path with a heart or a path that will drain you. There is NO shame in travering any path, the only shame comes when you know it has no heart, and yet you fear to break from it.

I hope we all find our path with a heart.

MstrJ, I can only thank You for being exactly who You are, who You have always been. I can only thank You for seeing me, and needing me, exactly who I have always been. 

His slaveMikayla,

Delilah girl,

always, Faith

I've struggled with what to write recently, as the vast majority of the things that are important to me would only be of importance to One. Yes, there is always learning, but that learning is only relevant to U/us. Couple that with the fact that long distance does not get easier with time, it gets harder to live with. Very much worth it, but harder none the less. 

After much thought I do have something I can share. this trip He introduced me to a new favorite toy ^_^. W/we are both big fans of discrete public play. This particular toy is definitely a surprise win in that regard. 

https://www.condomsgalore.com/Mouth-Full-Dildo-Face-Mask_p_567.html

Dun dun dun daaaaa!

Not sure if this is where He got it. 

So when I arrived at the airport He decided to do something W/we have talked about for a long time now. The first thing after a giant bear hug (and a second intentional three breath hug for a dear Friend) he handed me a bag. Inside the bag were the things He intended me to disappear to put on for our first adventure back home. 

There were warm comfy clothes (it was still winter), then there were the *fun* items ^_^

most importantly we will focus on the dildo gag. I don't think there would be a way to get away with it prior to covid and the normalcy of seeing masks around. They certainly werent prevalent anymore, but at the same time no one batted an eye. The first thing to note is that it was absolutely impossible to communicate in any meaningful way around it. The second thing to note is that it was impossible to close my lips completely so I was very grateful for the neck scarf I was wearing. It served double duty. #1 had it not been for the muffler my teeth/mouth would have been FREEZING, #2 drool was a problem. A legitimate real immediate problem. Due to the length/girth of the dildo it was impossible to swallow my own saliva. Finally, the last important note is that I had to be cautious and aware of it at all times as it was long enough to cause some internal concern over my breath. I would NOT have wanted to wear it had my hands been restrained. 

Now to the experience... luckily the mask covered everything very well, so there was no concern over anyone knowing what was going on. Walking out of the airport was no problem, though the awareness of the cold and of my immediate saliva issues were a bit of a mental game. Once in the car He checked in on me and I explained all I just have. Then off we went on our adventure. I had it (and other things) going on in the car, and I absolutely loved every single minute of it. A brief stop off at a restaurant which necessitated its removal, then on to a very public grocery store. A lot was going on at that point, but suffice to say it was one of the most excellent experiences of my kink life to date. Focusing just on the gag though, again, had it not been for the scarf it would have been an exercise in public humiliation as there would have been NO way to hide the drool that was going on. As it was, however, it was simply an added level to the other things going on. It gave me a greater sense of lack of control, and of ability to just give in and turn my brain off and follow. 

He will have to speak for His side of it, but I know that I for one got a great amount of fun out of it (and still do). 

If it sounds up your alley I'd definitely recommend it. 

Had it not been for the gag there were definitely a few times I'd have sounded like this:

https://nypost.com/2023/05/01/woman-has-full-body-orgasm-during-la-philharmonic-concert/

;) The author may not have known what was what... but W/we all sure do ;) 

~His slaveMikayla

More to come when writing won't take me out of the moment, however I wanted to quickly poke my head in to do a happy dance. Honestly, life with Him is exactly that, dancing. 

Yes, we have the growth moments, but even those are dancing. When I'm with Him all is right with the world. 

Thank you Cage for the growth that I've found here, the support, and most of all for bringing U/us together. This is the real deal. This is what I've been searching for, working for, striving for for 20 years. It's worth every minute of not having it, not finding it for this right here. Right now. 

Thank You my Master for jumping, for all the work You have done, for trusting in my strength, and for all the ways You exist. Thank You for playing in the snow, napping on the couch, asking me to jump, fantasies played out, communication through miscommunication, hilarity, singing karaoke through a cock gag, lunch with family, planning surprises, aftercare tea.... And everything else. You are absolutely the love of my life, and I'm so grateful for every single thing that brought me HOME to You. I pray I always add value to Your life. I'm lucky to be Your girl. 

His slaveMikayla 

It's interesting how each trip carries different emotional weight and substance. 

From the excitement and nervous energy of the uncertainty to the longing and joy of welcoming Master to the satellite campus. This trip is different in that it doesn't carry the "new" nerves. It is solidly in the "coming home". I have missed Him and Home desperately. That isn't to say that it's not exciting or there is nothing to discover,there always is. This is a comfortable feeling though. 

The girl is getting ready to board a plane for the long trip home. It's a very short trip, but I know it will not be short on love, memories, or growth within O/our dynamic. 

Thank You for all the plans You make. Thank You for bringing me home. Your girl can't wait for all that is to come.

His slaveMikayla 

This is not an April Fools joke, it wouldn't be funny if it were. 

I'm sharing this because had it not just happened to me, I would not have believed it possible. 

I know that there are a few people on here, who, like me, have been kicked down the street and back in their past. 

So to make this very brief... I was married at 18 and had a child at 19. I was all in on my marriage, but on our 1 year anniversary I found out that he wasnt. It was deeply painful. However, as a direct result of that I found myself as a submissive. 

Lots of terrible nasty acrimoniousness followed... a divorce, and the loss of my son. I have spent the last 18 years feeling SO ANGRY. SO HURT. SO WRONGED. I was. I was wronged. That does not change. 

I have had no reason to have any contact with my exhusband in the last nearly 9 years. I think the last time I saw him was walking out of a hotel loby when he dropped off our son for a visit when he was 11. 

This year my Master has sent the intention that it would be "a year of transformation". We are in the midst of fasting and praying together for Ramadan. One of the things that He set as an intention for me (and U/us) was not to be afraid of opportunities which showed up; opportunities for growth and healing. 

Two days ago as I was getting ready to host a dinner for my students I was cleaning out my old email and I stopped short when I saw a profile picture of my ex husband. ... It took me about 18 hours to decide what to say, or if I should say anything at all. Then I wrote an email. 

In the email I simply sought to acknowledge *her* and tell her that at one point in time when we were young she told me something about herself that must have taken courage. I took it sincerely in the context it was presented, but I never pressed the issue. Clearly, I did not do enough or offer enough help or support at the time, because it took her a further half of her life to make whatever changes and realize whatever she needed to to decide to be who she told me she was. I wished her well, happiness, and peace. 

A few hours later I received a reply. It acknowledged that I had asked for no reply, but in the interest of mutual healing, she felt she owed me an apology in return. She thanked me for my acknowledgement and apologized for the hurt that she caused me. She apologized for not loving me how I needed to be loved. She did NOT apologize for the damage in relation to our son, I'm conscious of this... but I was grateful for what was offered. 

When I wrote the email it was not to get "closure" it wasn't for or about me. So when I received the reply I did, it was much more deeply felt, spontaneous if you will. Thus felt more sincerely. 

We will not be friends. We will not communicate again. However I can acknowledge that today I feel just a little less internally angry. 

It took 18 years to have a sincere conversation. It took 18 years to give and receive any kind of acknowledgement or apology. I'm glad to feel just a little less angry. 

~His Mikayla