Once you are made REAL

A few times over the years I've shared some of the tools in the proverbial toolbox which have been incredibly effective. No, not literal tools, toys etc; metaphorical ones. Ones that people tend to overlook, or underrate. 

Yesterday a dear friend wrote about how dedication and kindness will get more out of a girl than any amount of cajoling ever would. 

This morning at one point I was curled up in MstrJ's arms and I asked Him if I'd told Him recently how smart He is. He asked why and I explained that He is the most emotionally intelligent man I've ever known. 

Emotional Intelligence is defined as is the ability to understand, use, and manage your own emotions in positive ways to relieve stress, communicate effectively, empathize with others, overcome challenges and defuse conflict.

I find it is one of the most underrated yet most effective if not absolutely essential tools in the Dominant's toolbox. 

I have been in a domineering relationship where I finally said to my ex husband: "You know you could accomplish more with a flyswatter sometimes than a hammer!" He took every problem and made it Mt. Everest. Some Dominants take correction the same way. They get home and find her less than perfect in her patience, fail to take a moment to think WHY and immediately call her to the carpet (literally in many cases). Sure, it will work, and for some girls it might be the most effective tactic. However, for THIS girl, sometimes having my Master stand up from where He is seated despite having just sat to a meal, having Him wrap His arms around my neck in a tight hug from behind and having Him just hold me then making the intentional choice to lay in bed and watch a show with me *before* passing out after a very long night at work.... You are the smartest most emotionally intelligent Man I've ever met. It is one more reason THIS GIRL would walk across coals, or fly over oceans, and gladly gratefully dedicate her life to You. 

Advice to Dominants reading: You can practice your fun toys till the cows come home, and work on Your "I'm very serious!" tone and look, but unless it is balanced out with a healthy dose of Emotional Intelligence and practiced patience Your toolbox might do with some rounding out. 

Take it away Ms. Elle X!

~HisslaveMikayla{MstrJ}

I kneel

by The Velveteen Slave

https://i.pinimg.com/originals/13/e4/e3/13e4e36dd13b62c4757a0826b7d6a65d.gif

For me:

When the world is moving way too fast,

When worries and the troubles seem to over run,

When the hurts and anger feel like they will last,

and it seems that everything is spinning, dizzy, and confusing....

I kneel.

For You:

When life has given you one more burden to shoulder,

When I see the chaos in your tired eyes,

When the stresses seem like they will cause you to falter,

and I see You weighted down by it all..

I kneel. 

For me:

You call me to my place,

I come with quick and quiet feet

and you lift my chin to look up into Your face

THIS is the safest space;

my calm, my arbor, my fort, my home. 

I kneel.

For You:

Looking down at what is Yours,

Watching how my mood immediately shifts,

through this simple act, the mood lifts:

devotion, calm, tranquility, desire, and need

I kneel. 

For U/us:

A simple act

A deeper meaning

reminding us both of the most important fact

I am Yours..You are Mine... I am Yours.

I kneel. 

~Faith; The Velveteen Slave

https://media.tenor.com/images/d6549fc599cdf5d1f7e0ee59f75c6393/tenor.gif

I'm not sure of this will end up being worked into a "Needs" post... but it is one I must write for me. I've never addressed here WHY I write these, but it is pertinent now. I write them because it helps me solidify ideas that are floating around in this muddled up head of mine. If I dont solidify them into something I can see and touch (in a way reading them again is just that) then I will never fully grasp them. 

I have two concepts that are interrelated lessons and I don't quite know what their convergence will be... but they have been circling around my life path for four years and it is imperative that I learn this lesson NOW. I need to be done with this particular loop. 

#1: Respect. No one will give it to you unless you insist upon it for yourself. Respect is not a dominant only trait. No one will argue that you should respect your Dominant partner, but they dont have a monopoly on this. As a submissive you are also worthy of respect. You can be of service, even enjoy all forms of humiliation, degradation, objectification... but even then you are still worthy of respect. Respect for the things you do, respect for the person you are, and respect of the needs you have. Any right to be degraded, objectified, humiliated, or put in a place of service of any kind is a right you give and thus worthy of respect. A side tangent here... even giving of those actions can be a form of respect. It is respecting you enough to accept that it is your right to ask for those things, to want them, to need them, and to have them in a safe, sane, and consensual manner. Denying you the right to ask for those things or like those things is a form of disrespect. Respect starts with yourself... with how you hold yourself. You must hold people to the line of your boundaries, and you must insist upon respect. "give em an inch and they will take a mile" is a very accurate statement here, sadly. 

#2 Being accepted for that which im not, is the same thing as being rejected for that which I am.  

*flails* This one is one that came about absolutely unintentionally. When I was faced with the prospect of returning to a previously imploded relationship I was afraid of rejection. He had denied me a part of who I am... and in a single moment it came out of my mouth... Accepting only a part of me is the same thing as rejecting who I am. That single realization was a HUGE leap forward for me. In that moment I understood that if he was only willing to have a part of me... he was still rejecting me. I can't do that. It isnt fair to him, it isnt fair to me. I dont want to just be accepted ... the word means nothing... I want to be accepted and loved and treasured for ALL of me. 

I'm still working on how these two converge... anyone who has any input here... I'm all ears. 

~The Velveteen Slave

Everything original artist: Alanis Morsette 

my rendition: https://voca.ro/gfBlVOJW2x5

Needs Series Index: 

Taken to Task: https://thecage.co/blog/userblog.php?blog_id=60944&postid=33947

#1 Time: https://thecage.co/blog/userblog.php?blog_id=60944&postid=33971

#2 Growth: https://thecage.co/blog/userblog.php?blog_id=60944&postid=34002

#3 Seen, Heard, Understood: https://thecage.co/blog/userblog.php?blog_id=60944&postid=34083

#4 Safety & Consistency: https://thecage.co/blog/userblog.php?blog_id=60944&postid=34741

#5 R.E.S.P.E.C.T: https://thecage.co/blog/userblog.php?blog_id=60944&postid=35049

#6 Love: https://thecage.co/blog/userblog.php?blog_id=60944&postid=35678

#7 Acceptance: https://thecage.co/blog/userblog.php?blog_id=60944&postid=35883

Finale: The tamed to the Tamer: https://thecage.co/blog/userblog.php?blog_id=60944&postid=36310

Follow up: The Gauntlet: EARN ME! https://thecage.co/blog/userblog.php?blog_id=60944&postid=36373

Needs #4 Safety/Consistency

I read a post two months back and it was the first thing that literally made me cry. It brought my soul to my knees because of how deeply it resonated with me. In the post the Dominant was dealing with the concept of Wants vs needs, which most of us have read a million times over. However the example he used knocked me back ten steps. In it he discussed how it is much more difficult to truly identify wants and needs inside aspects of a relationship and gave the following example: "The situation complicates because in most cases we are not dealing with simple subjects.  We are not dealing with things but with aspects of our relationship.  Does she want the excitement of being bound to your bed each night or does she need it as a representation of being held within your sphere.  In one case, it is a hot kick which is fun and you can do it or not, and in the other it is a symbol of your surrounding her with your protection and you had best NOT forget about it." ~Master Arach theeroticist.com ( full post: https://theeroticist.wordpress.com/2017/01/12/wants-and-needs/)

I sat on my bed and had to put the phone down and cry. He had hit the nail completely on the head. So many times we place a deeper emotional meaning on specific actions and how they make us feel. It definitely can very on both sides of the slash, and sometimes we may not think to communicate how the action really affects us internally... maybe we dont even think to, or it doesnt occur to us at the time. Maybe we aren't even completely aware of it. 

One of my greatest... I'd say top 2 NEEDS in a relationship is to feel safe. I dont mean physically safe, that should be a given. i mean safe to be emotionally vulnerable. i need to know that my hurts will be heard and cared about. I need to know my joys will be cared about too. My concerns matter. That my past isnt just swept under the rug and pretended like it has no bearing on my present. 

Safety also in relation to expectations. I need to know that I know the limits. My mom always told me as a little girl that children feel safer when the limits are clear and enforced. That they will push those limits to test to be sure that they would hold firm. I can look back at the moments in my relationships when I felt particularly like they were unsure and I can see where I pushed. Not hard. But i did. It was me saying... "have you still got us?" "Are you still holding firmly?" A friend on here posted the most wonderful video on here a week ago which she felt displayed a healthy brat dynamic very well. while i do not consider myself a brat in the least... i can absolutely see elements of this in myself when things are shaky. A book I once read but can no longer recall the name of used to identify these as "Conquer me Feelings"... and it is absolutely apt. It is those moments when I desperately need to feel that hold on me, on my metaphorical or literal leash to say "I've got you." Sometimes i just fucking need it. 

original blog post: https://thecage.co/blog/userblog.php?postid=34078&blog_id=68569 <3 you 

Consistency is one surefire method to making me feel that safety. Consistency I think underpins it. If consistency is there both in action and expectation then i never have to feel those wheel spinning in the dirt, flailing, falling feelings. 

When have I felt that safety and consistency? 

I had one Master who would make sure to tuck me in every single night. I used to regularly fall asleep laying on my tile floor with my phone pressed to my ear. When I would wake he would be there ***EVERY TIME** and he would say "Do you think you can sleep for me, my sweet slave?" ... he would remind me to check my locks and gas and ask me to tell him when I'd gotten into bed. He had something very specific he would say. Years later i still have every word memorized. Every word was intentionally chosen. It was the most safe I ever felt, despite my life was in massive turmoil.

I've mentioned Mr. Richard by name in a previous post. He was absolutely military in his consistency with communicating with me. I knew I had from 10pm to 12am. I knew where i was to be waiting, and how. 99.9999% of days he would be there, and if he was not, there was a damn good reason. I also knew that that time belonged to him. I had only two rules: Do not divide your attention. Tell me if you need to handle something else. Promptly at midnight I knew no matter WHAT was going on he did not want a single message from me. I better put my damn phone/computer down and go to sleep! God help me if i messaged after midnight. *lol* It was not because there was someone on his side that he was concerned about disturbing... no. it was because he knew what time i had to wake in the morning and it was incredibly important to him that he did not do me ill. he needed to know that that time was his without feeling guilty that he was keeping me from sleep i needed to be a healthy and productive member of society. It freed him as much as it freed me. The times that he was not there, in every circumstance save 2 he had informed me prior where he would be, what he would be doing, and **WHEN he would communicate with me again**. << i should have thanked him for this more. ... The two occasions were absolutely nothing he could control, and he came home to find me "curled up on his chair" once ... and "sleeping in his spot" the other. 😁 (It made him smile) 

I think he was a fantastic example of consistency and how it positively affects my quality of life. 

I think micro rituals and protocols are so positive for me because they underscore that consistency and sense of safety. It sets the parameters for me (maybe for U/us both) such that it becomes second nature. That does not mean they should be just a tick-box to say "yep did it done!" No. These things should always be mindfully done, intentional, and with purpose... but that is a topic for a different post. 

I believe that that specific passage about how being bound to someone's bed could be a symbol of their care and protection struck me so deeply because at one point... my Master KNEW this. He knew it. He is the one who opened that door for me.... but I did not ask for that consistency. I did not tell him how much it mattered, or how much I ached for it. I was not honest with him or myself. I regret this. 

~The Velveteen Slave

As always, ending with a song <3

Needs: Consistency/Safety https://voca.ro/hiGszow1eCr 

original artist: Jacki Velasquez sung by yours truly. 

Needs Series Index: 

Taken to Task: https://thecage.co/blog/userblog.php?blog_id=60944&postid=33947

#1 Time: https://thecage.co/blog/userblog.php?blog_id=60944&postid=33971

#2 Growth: https://thecage.co/blog/userblog.php?blog_id=60944&postid=34002

#3 Seen, Heard, Understood: https://thecage.co/blog/userblog.php?blog_id=60944&postid=34083

#4 Safety & Consistency: https://thecage.co/blog/userblog.php?blog_id=60944&postid=34741

#5 R.E.S.P.E.C.T: https://thecage.co/blog/userblog.php?blog_id=60944&postid=35049

#6 Love: https://thecage.co/blog/userblog.php?blog_id=60944&postid=35678

#7 Acceptance: https://thecage.co/blog/userblog.php?blog_id=60944&postid=35883

Finale: The tamed to the Tamer: https://thecage.co/blog/userblog.php?blog_id=60944&postid=36310

Follow up: The Gauntlet: EARN ME! https://thecage.co/blog/userblog.php?blog_id=60944&postid=36373

*disclaimer: If you have not read the first three blog posts in this series, please move backwards in time and do so. It will not make as much sense if you do not know why I am writing this. The first post in the series is: "Taken to Task". Thank you.

Need #3 to be seen, heard, understood

Some might opt to break these three into separate needs, but for me it is all part of one fluid process.

". . . it is not uncommon for masters to pride themselves on the depth with which they know their slave girls; this depth is far greater in my opinion than that with which the average husband of Earth knows his wife; the slave girl is not simply someone with whom the man lives; she is very special to him; she is a treasured possession; he owns her; he wants to know, profoundly and deeply, the background, history, the mind, the intelligence, the appetites, the nature and the dispositions of his lovely article of property;..." ~Tribesmen of Gor Book 10 Page 42

My hubris (okay one of them) is that I'm well aware of my own intelligence. I will not "one true way" things, so yes, there are plenty of submissives and slaves out there that are truly desirous of having no say in their life. Of being simply told what to do, and being allowed to be mindless. Bless them. I am not among their ranks. I crave the knowledge that my Master holds me completely and entirely. Knows all of me. Knows my past and my present so he can best chart a path forward to the future. He knows my fears and doubts... those tapes that play on in the back of my mind, knows where those demons came from and then can best know how to tame them. Knows the things that I am proud of, and does not feel intimidated by them or feel the need to blow my candle out to make his shine brighter, rather knows that my successes are feathers in his own cap. 

In order to get there is a tried and true path... you have to see someone, all of them. The things that are easy to show, and then the things they are afraid or hurt to expose. I need you to see it all. I need you to HEAR me, not just the words I say, but the words of my heart, the things that words fail to express. The things body language and breath express best. The things that are said when you know what every expression truly means. When you know exactly what a tight lipped smile means vs when my teeth show. Hear not what you are afraid I am saying, or what someone in the past meant when they said "ABC". Then I need you to use all of your wisdom and intellect as well as your own heart and soul to understand me. 

Someone important to me has been pounding it into my thick skull that "we do not see others how they are, we see them how we are. "~ Anais Nin. 

They drove the idea home that very often we paint onto others words the inflections, backgrounds, intentions, and meanings we either: wish to see, or are afraid to see. Both are equally as likely. It is very hard for people to stop writing their own narratives over situations and experiences and accept them for the truth of what the other party is offering based upon the totality of themselves. 

What does it look like when I'm seen, heard, and understood? 

I received a box once upon a time... inside it were a few very special and important items... i will only discuss one: Inside was a shirt inside a ziplock double lock bag. The shirt I had seen worn for weeks and weeks. I knew the minute i saw it inside the plastic bag exactly what it was. Only last week did I take the shirt out of the bag entirely. Over the last year i have just opened one tiny corner of the bag to touch it, or smell it, or hold it close inside the bag. Last week, i took it out of the bag, buried my face in it and cried harder than I have in two years. The shirt, and everything else in the box which was entirely unprompted made me feel very seen, heard, and understood. 

I received a message from someone else entirely different at one point... it was in reply to a message I sent answering some questions. The person had asked questions on an open forum, and they were incredibly thoughtful, deep, and thought provoking. I wrote back with the depth they deserved. What I received back was the single greatest piece of writing I've had the honor of receiving. The man wrote me about a shirt of his own he loved. He wrote me fully 6 pages of different experiences that this shirt saw him through, and how it was a memento of all of those times. It ended with telling me how he would never have another time to say, "perhaps i love this shirt best because" for it is buried along with a part of my heart... and shared that hurt with me. I have rarely ever felt so well met and on even ground. 

a Dominant of mine who did me great hurt, and I did him equally... came back to me one day and asked me for A DAY. One day to get it all right where we got it wrong. One day to replace all the shit we had been through. One day to hang onto. Fuck I loved that man. In that day; he put me in his pocket and carried me around. He tucked me in for the only second time he EVER did, and actually stuck around until I fell asleep. He read me a story that he wrote himself, which I still have entirely memorized. The most important moment came at lunch when he called me for the first time in countless months. I sat in an empty classroom where he told me he was proud of me and I again cried, not ugly broken tears, but deeply needed healing ones. I did not cry when he told me he loved me. I did not cry when he told me he missed me. I cried when he told me he was proud of me. Those were the words my soul most longed to hear. 

That day I felt, seen, heard, and understood. 

A Master who was incredibly special and important in my life never had to have me explain myself. He always knew. The pocket didnt come a year into a broken relationship. "I'm proud of you" and "I love you" were not so foreign as to cause tears when heard. Rather he felt like he always knew me, because at one point of time, he was me. This was never better shown than how I felt the first time he spoke softly to me and pulled my little put from under every blanket and pillow she had been hiding under ... where I didnt even know she lived. It shocked him every bit as much as it shocked me. I felt very much seen, heard, and understood.

~The Velveteen Slave 

will add music once the workers who are installing my porch covering are gone. <3

Needs Series Index: 

Taken to Task: https://thecage.co/blog/userblog.php?blog_id=60944&postid=33947

#1 Time: https://thecage.co/blog/userblog.php?blog_id=60944&postid=33971

#2 Growth: https://thecage.co/blog/userblog.php?blog_id=60944&postid=34002

#3 Seen, Heard, Understood: https://thecage.co/blog/userblog.php?blog_id=60944&postid=34083

#4 Safety & Consistency: https://thecage.co/blog/userblog.php?blog_id=60944&postid=34741

#5 R.E.S.P.E.C.T: https://thecage.co/blog/userblog.php?blog_id=60944&postid=35049

#6 Love: https://thecage.co/blog/userblog.php?blog_id=60944&postid=35678

#7 Acceptance: https://thecage.co/blog/userblog.php?blog_id=60944&postid=35883

Finale: The tamed to the Tamer: https://thecage.co/blog/userblog.php?blog_id=60944&postid=36310

Follow up: The Gauntlet: EARN ME! https://thecage.co/blog/userblog.php?blog_id=60944&postid=36373

*disclaimer: If you have not read the first two blog posts in this series, please move backwards in time and do so. It will not make as much sense if you do not know why I am writing this. Thank you. 

#2 Growth

ο δ ανεζεταστος βιος ου βιωτος ανθρωποι ~Socrates

You may not know it, but while this site is my HOME, it is not actually the site I've been on longest, or most actively. The place I most often frequent I host a thread entitled: Lessons Learned that invites submissives and Dominants to share the deep and meaningful or small and silly lessons that their dynamics teach them. Now, truth be told I do the majority of the posting (which is why here is home, and there is not), still, that says a lot about who I am and what is important to me. 

The unexamined life is not worth living. If you are standing still, if your growth as an individual, as a submissive, an *insert your descriptor here* is stunted and you are at ease... you are doing it wrong. Countless people; both living and dead, who are FAR more wise than I will ever be have attempted to get this point through to us. Marcus Aurelius said, "At dawn, when you have trouble getting out of bed, tell yourself: “I have to go to work — as a human being. What do I have to complain of, if I’m going to do what I was born for — the things I was brought into the world to do? Or is this what I was created for? To huddle under the blankets and stay warm? So you were born to feel “nice”? Instead of doing things and experiencing them? Don’t you see the plants, the birds, the ants and spiders and bees going about their individual tasks, putting the world in order, as best they can? And you’re not willing to do your job as a human being? Why aren’t you running to do what your nature demands? You don’t love yourself enough. Or you’d love your nature too, and what it demands of you.When they’re really possessed by what they do, they’d rather stop eating and sleeping than give up practicing their arts. Is helping others less valuable to you? Not worth your effort? When you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning, remember that your defining characteristic— what defines a human being — is to work with others. Even animals know how to sleep. And it’s the characteristic activity that’s the more natural one — more innate and more satisfying."

More recently and personally, someone incredibly important to me used to say over and over again, "You can only fail at being what you TRULY are." 

What does any of that have to do with growth? At my core I'm a student of life. I'm a servant of the universe. I'm a teacher. I'm many many many things, but what I'm not content to be is stagnant. Nothing makes my teeth itch and my skin crawl and makes me feel like I'm running internal circles and pacing the floor like when I'm forced to sit and wait ungrowing, unchanging, untended. 

A Dominant of mine once said to me sarcastically that I always sought out my "gurus". He bemoaned that I had better go seek my "lesson". He had a habit of paying me the greatest compliments in ways he believed were criticisms? *smiles*. Telling. He will be gratified to know that one of my greatest teachers and confidantes right now is an amazingly wonderful, brilliant, and protective woman. *sticks out tongue playfully at his memory* See, it CAN be a woman, it just needs to be one I feel I've got a lot to learn from, who is strong enough to teach me. 

Strong enough? Yes. More recently I was told that, "It's hard to raise a stubborn daughter." Yes, it is. I'm stubborn because I dont just learn on the surface. I will fight a lesson, fight to understand it, to understand every part of it. To conquer it, and then to own it. I'm not a sponge in my learning... I'm not a sheep. These are not judgments of others' learning styles, but acknowledgement of my own. I do not need a lesson beaten into me! It will not work. 

What will work? How do I learn? What do I need to learn? 

.... I do not know. It takes a wise, patient, and immensely intelligent Man to Master me. You can not do so if you are not my better. You can not do so if you can not stomach and APPRECIATE my need to truly comprehend. You can not do so if you have not the time, patience, or derive pleasure from watching one under your hand grow. It must be a part of who you are and what you need in your very core being, as much as it is mine. 

Here is the catch: Growth is, to my mind, a cyclical breathing exercise. It should be self perpetuating! My growth from things you bring to me should spark conversation, dialogue, action which in turn sparks growth in you. It is not a one way parasitic thing. If I can not and do not challenge you, if you do not see me as capable of teaching YOU and inspiring changes in YOU, then this is not the relationship for you either; for as much as I'm a student of life, im at my soul level a teacher. To be allowed the privileged of knowing that I have impacted your own journey is not a statement of your weakness, but of your strength and an acknowledgement of my own. If this frightens you, or is not something you want... then I am not something you want. I will never be haughty or prideful that I "taught you a lesson". it is HUMBLING and gives me a great sense of gratitude that you allowed me to have that connection with you. 

When are times that I have experienced this wonderful growth in my life? 

I had a Dominant in my life at one point who was wholly unlike anyone else I've ever met. I do not usually enter into relationships that it is clear they will never be anything more than online. Still, I was drawn to conversing with him from day 1. He was not emotionally open, which is also not something i'm usually drawn to. He was completely closed off. Our original interaction came because he complimented my username and welcomed me to a site. I thanked him and asked him why he was there. He gave me a very terse reply and said there are only two reasons a man is on a site like that: he is either socially inept or lonely and unsatisfied. I said that there was a third he missed. I proceeded to outline the third. His demeanor completely and utterly changed. He messaged me back in great detail telling me he had given me bones and straw. I had drawn on it muscles and flesh, color and life. 

He told me over time that he mat indeed give me a ladder to get over his walls, but that remained to be seen. Over time i asked how many rungs it would take to climb that wall. So I crafted a ladder... a very small very intricate ladder with many rungs and sent it to him. When i would do something that massively pleased him, and brought me one step closer to being over that wall, he would tell me i may add a step to the ladder. I put many roses each hand-stitched onto the ladder, every time I'd gain a step. 

This Man was one of the greatest teachers on my life. I saw his face only twice (if you ever read this, i hope you have continued to work on your smile) and heard his voice only once. He did however, give me the gift of his TIME only sparingly. He taught me me many many many lessons. The greatest of which, I believe, was about the ages of love. I had no idea that love had distinct ages. It helped me to understand so very much. I will be forever grateful to you; Mr. Richard. Thank you for allowing me to climb that wall. Thank you for sending me on my way when you felt it was the time for me to continue my path. 

Another time I learned a painful lesson: I had asked my Master to take care of a situation that was painful to me. I had asked him to be an intermediary between myself and someone else. However, in the middle of it, i replied to the person he was dealing with at my bequest. When he knew he sat me down differently than any other time in the past. He told me alright, his hands were off. He would no longer deal with this matter. I sat silently and cried. He asked me if that was fair? I choked out a reply: "No, Master, please. It is not." "why not? Clearly you believe that you can handle this situation better than I can. your actions say that you do." "No, Master, I do not. I'm sorry. You are right, my actions said that, but it was wrong. I do need your help and wisdom in this matter. I can not handle it alone. It is too big and too scary for me. Please, do not give the responsibility back to me. Please help me carry it." ... and he did. This may not seem in keeping with my saying that I would let POSITIVE memories dictate my needs. How is this a positive memory? The growth and closeness that hard lessons bring deepens the trust in the relationship. After that I never attempted to "take back" a responsibility he had accepted to carry and one I had offered to him. The lesson hurt, the relationship grew. Thank you, Grumps, for teaching me what it truly meant to give in and let you carry the weight. 

Finally, I remember one time my Master sat me down and told me "Sit down! You are not to move from that spot until you can tell me exactly what is wrong with that sentence. You are not to move. you are not to distract yourself. Think. You have it in you to make this lesson take as long or as short as you desire. You are capable. You have the answer. Tell me when you know it." 

So I sat there, on the floor of the office i do believe I was damn near naked though luckily it was not cold at the time. It took less than an hour for me to come back to him and say, "When I say the words "do you understand" it questions your dominion over me. It questions your knowledge of me. It questions your ability to lead me. When I ask "do you understand" it is a clear sign of doubt. Lastly, when I say "Do you understand" it puts the emphasis in the wrong place. I should be a bit less concerned with whether you understand, and far more concerned with whether I do. If you do not understand something you will find a way to ask it, or know it, before asking me to do something. I have acknowledged you as my Master, by doing so I acknowledged your understanding of me... asking this calls that into question. I am sorry, Master." That answer helped us grow and work together towards the growth he needed from me with farrrrr less difficulty. Thank you for truly knowing me. 

I need you to: discover the parts of me that are stagnant. Identify places that i need to grow. Have the wisdom to know when it is the right time to help me do so. Decide how best that growth should happen. Praise me when i have succeeded. Correct me when I have fallen from the path you lay. Push me and hold me accountable if i am not keeping up the pace. Punish me if i have been willful or obstinate. Hold high expectations of me. Have mercy when it is warranted. Be my biggest supporter in my struggles. Take the time to clearly set out the expectations for growth, make sure i understand them before jumping to conclusions about my failures. Be man enough to adjust expectations and admit miscalculations. Give me ways to make you PROUD. Never accept less than what will make you proud to be my owner... because I'm responsible TO the relationship, to you. You are responsible FOR the relationship, for me. 

~The Velveteen slave. 

https://voca.ro/B9JSVfIx5C3 

Needs Series Index: 

Taken to Task: https://thecage.co/blog/userblog.php?blog_id=60944&postid=33947

#1 Time: https://thecage.co/blog/userblog.php?blog_id=60944&postid=33971

#2 Growth: https://thecage.co/blog/userblog.php?blog_id=60944&postid=34002

#3 Seen, Heard, Understood: https://thecage.co/blog/userblog.php?blog_id=60944&postid=34083

#4 Safety & Consistency: https://thecage.co/blog/userblog.php?blog_id=60944&postid=34741

#5 R.E.S.P.E.C.T: https://thecage.co/blog/userblog.php?blog_id=60944&postid=35049

#6 Love: https://thecage.co/blog/userblog.php?blog_id=60944&postid=35678

#7 Acceptance: https://thecage.co/blog/userblog.php?blog_id=60944&postid=35883

Finale: The tamed to the Tamer: https://thecage.co/blog/userblog.php?blog_id=60944&postid=36310

Follow up: The Gauntlet: EARN ME! https://thecage.co/blog/userblog.php?blog_id=60944&postid=36373

The task of identifying and laying out my needs is indeed a daunting one. I had to first determine how to even set about that task. After a bit of contemplation, I believed it was best to allow my positive collective memories to drive this. None of these are a result of a negative place of "I didn't get", no. They are instead a product of sitting quietly and living in the positive moments. When did I feel most at home, most comfortable in my life? What was going on that caused me to feel that wonderful sense of peace that comes when all is right in the world? That is not to say that all should be peaches and roses, absolutely not. We will get to the pokes and prods for growth that are an absolute necessity, those things that do not necessarily feel fantastically awesome in the moment, but afterward lead to a depth of relationship and a new closeness in the growth that it brings. Those things will also come. 

#1 Time. 

I'm sure that everyone here is familiar with love languages, I would be highly surprised if they did not. Many people have a clearly dominant love language that they best speak and hear. I'm one of those unique minority people who has three equally spread love languages. Fun times. Time is one of my three primary love languages. I need time. I need to be around and with my Person in order for all to be right with the world. I'm also an introvert, so that time does NOT necessarily need to happen with us constantly interacting with each other. That would overwhelm me and wear me out rather quickly. By time I mean time spent existing, in tandem, in any way. When I imagine a night spent with my Person a lot of the time I imagine us just sitting together. Him working on his laptop, or playing a game, reading a book, writing, whatever... me beside doing the same. Sometimes I see myself sitting on the floor cross-legged with my back resting on his leg. I'm reading a book, and occasionally he touches my head and hair. Sometimes I turn my head just to kiss his knee. Other times I see us together watching a movie. Me curled up in between his legs on the sofa my head on his lap. I see us sitting knee to knee talking on occasion, discussing some point of mutual interest, or sharing about something personally important. 

I'm the kind of person who appreciates every single little thing someone does, and I tend to say it. Pointedly, and often. I will thank my Person for their time, because it matters. I appreciate when my person wants to talk to me first thing in the morning, even if they are all groggy voiced and eyes half open still blurry with sleep. It makes me all forms of happy. I appreciate being allowed to "ride with them" to work, with the phone in the passenger seat or safely in a phone holder on the dash, just so that we can share that time. Nothing pleases me more than when my Person finds the time to call me when they or i am on break at work. When i get so excited to see their name pop up on my phone and i have to quietly whisper a title excitedly as i answer the phone, because i REFUSE to not.... it is too important and too special. 

Time to hear about his day, and his stresses. Time to listen to mine, and actually care. Time to be involved in the big and small things in life. 

Time to tuck me into bed every night, because he understands that it is very hard for me to sleep if he doesnt. It gives me permission to sleep. My mind will stay active and awake and "on" just incase he needs me. Even if it is 3 am, I'm not really asleep. My phone is in my hand on vibrate and I'm barely dozing because I've not really been "released" to sleep. 

When he messages me or better yet calls me to tell me "go to sleep baby girl" ... then and only then can my mind really and truly rest. It puts my heart and mind at ease, because i know he would not release me to sleep if i had not done everything for him that day that I could or should. 

Time to share my joys and triumphs, to be proud of the things i do... and allow me to be proud of the things he does. 

Time to help me battle the big bad scary things in my life... to sit up with me when the world is too big. 

A few of my favorite memories and experiences with being granted the gift of time:

In no particular order:

A Dominant of mine once sat up with me and read to me as I held my very very sick child. She had stridor and whooping cough and i was afraid to sleep. I was so tired. I'd done it alone for 36 hours and i knew i had another 24 to go. i was so afraid I would fall asleep. He stayed with me. He read to me all night and helped me keep watch. I was grateful for his gift of time. 

A Dominant of mine once used to call me every day at lunch (my lunch). He would be sure to take his break at the same time just so he could be sure to hear my voice. I remember a recording he sent me, he was telling me how pleased he was with something I'd done and he looked at the time and said: "Whoops! I've got to end this, I'm late in calling you, and I'm sure you are worried. You will be looking at your phone and messaging me "Daddy! Where are you?!" God i love it when I hear your voice so happy to hear me like that. I will never get tired of it." (He did, sadly, but such is life, and it moves on.) The memory still warms my heart. as does the memory of my students noting the stupid grin on my face as I quietly spoke to him during lunch, my phone tucked to my ear. 

A Dominant of mine once used to love to surprise me some mornings and put me in the car with him on his drive. He would sometimes let me see his face while he drove and we talked. If the weather was particularly poor, or the weather particularly lovely he would turn the camera so i could "sit in the passenger seat" and watch the drive. I would still know the way to his house by heart. If I was in a car I would be able to close my eyes and know when we were getting close just by counting the turns. It always made me feel so freaking loved that he wanted to share that time with me. 

Time. My first need is Time. 

https://voca.ro/fVqHkD4xca8 << edited. Hopefully this one plays nicely! 

~The Velveteen slave

Needs Series Index: 

Taken to Task: https://thecage.co/blog/userblog.php?blog_id=60944&postid=33947

#1 Time: https://thecage.co/blog/userblog.php?blog_id=60944&postid=33971

#2 Growth: https://thecage.co/blog/userblog.php?blog_id=60944&postid=34002

#3 Seen, Heard, Understood: https://thecage.co/blog/userblog.php?blog_id=60944&postid=34083

#4 Safety & Consistency: https://thecage.co/blog/userblog.php?blog_id=60944&postid=34741

#5 R.E.S.P.E.C.T: https://thecage.co/blog/userblog.php?blog_id=60944&postid=35049

#6 Love: https://thecage.co/blog/userblog.php?blog_id=60944&postid=35678

#7 Acceptance: https://thecage.co/blog/userblog.php?blog_id=60944&postid=35883

Finale: The tamed to the Tamer: https://thecage.co/blog/userblog.php?blog_id=60944&postid=36310

Follow up: The Gauntlet: EARN ME! https://thecage.co/blog/userblog.php?blog_id=60944&postid=36373

Life lessons have been the theme that I gave my own life. I have long been of the opinion that you should always be open to learning lessons, that never stops being important. Lessons can be learned in the most unlikely of places, and from the most unlikely of sources. Some lessons we are ready and willing to learn, others we are taught reluctantly, and sometimes kicking and screaming they are pounded into our thick skull. 

One of the things I've been taken to task for recently from a few sources is the fact that I have never really "negotiated" my needs in a D/s relationship. Hold the shock and judgment please. It isnt what it sounds like. Negotiations over MANY things happened, but one of those things has just never happened to be my own life and emotional needs. 

How could this be?! 

Well, just like I've never gone to a bar or club looking to "hook up" with someone. I've never actively and concertedly sought out a partner. I've always just put myself into the universe, been openly and unabashedly me, and allowed the Universe to lead me where I belonged. If someone and I meshed well as friends and chemistry was there, it would just naturally evolve. If it was a D/s based relationship we would end up discussing needs and wants as it pertains to that, and see where it went. 

Was I aware that there was a gap in the process? 

Yes. I was never concerned by it though. If I was far enough in the communication that I'd even be WILLING to discuss the D/s nitty gritty with someone than I trusted them, that means I trusted them to be good to me as a person and care about my well being as a human, a woman, a mother without having to make demands. I trusted them because they had already done so up until that point. 

When a relationship flounders the only way I personally can move forward is to find *the lesson*. I can't wrap my head around a failure of any kind until I can identify the causes, and then determine a path forward to prevent myself from making the same mistake again. "First time shame on them, second time shame on you (me), third time that's just plain stupidity.", was the advice given to me by my grandfather. I rarely make the same mistake repeatedly, once identified. Now I might have incorrectly identified the ROOT of a problem, and solved symptoms or side shoots and never gotten to the root, that can cause repeat failure, but it is never for lack of trying. 

I began this post by saying I'd been taken to task from several different directions over this. One of those sources has repeatedly told me how important it is for his property to be aware of and able to express her needs. The concept being, how can he possibly accurately answer the question of whether he can be what she needs if she can not even give him a fair shot at it. It goes hand in hand with the frustration many on the Dominant side of the slash feel with regard to being expected to be mind readers. 

One of the things I've had to do the work on before I could even approach writing this blog and beginning this project was to identify WHY it was so hard for me to just come out and lay my needs down. Many people who do not know me well, and felt like they had the brilliance and right to analyze me without knowing me well enough will scoff and say *pfftttt that's an easy one! You lack self confidence.* Good try, wrong answer. Thank you for playing. 

No, for me, the reason is vulnerability. I have stood through more than my fair share of the storms of life. I've been through the hurricanes and come out the other side, most of the time very much alone. I've gone without food, shelter, any personal possessions, friends, family, etc. I've known what it is to lose everything, and be absolutely alone. So identifying a NEED is hard for me. One of my defense mechanisms is to identify pretty much everything as a blessing, a bonus. It is a safety for me. If I admit that I WANT much less NEED something, then it has more weight, and when (not if) it is taken away from me it does me far more damage. This may not be the most pleasant outlook, but it is the truth. 

It is a vulnerability in another sense as well; it is me being vulnerable to my partner and communicating to them that this *thing* is important to me, and I need it. it is a dangerous prospect. If I have not communicated something as a need, and they do not step up and provide it, then I've given them a built in loophole. I've given them the excuse. It is a lie I give myself, because in reality I do not trust people to be worthy and dependable. It has nothing to do with me not believing I'm WORTH it, it has everything to do with me believing sincerely that people suck. People break promises, hell most people don't even have the foggiest idea what it would look like to KEEP a promise. That is probably true on both sides of the slash, this is not a rant against one side at all. However, because I only have experience being on this side, I can say that I'd be tempted to believe that we have an easier time keeping promises because we have a lot of built in experience pushing through tough things despite: not feeling like it, not wanting to, pain, difficulty etc. It's kinda built into the definition of submission. "Submission is not found in the easy things, in the things i WANT to do. It is not in the kinky sexy fun. Submission begins and lives in the things I'd rather say "no" to, but instead find the grace and strength to say, "as you wish." or "for you, I can." 

I've been loathe to view the start of a D/s relation ship process as a job interview, but I'm half tempted to add a Q&A section, with the top question being: "and tell me a time that you stuck with a promise despite it being incredibly difficult for you, and you'd rather have walked away." 

What has the result been? 

Well, when I finally hit a brick wall in a relationship, when I've let my guard down and come to rely on someone (this may not be part of the D/s you practice, and that is alright. I'm not claiming that this is necessary or wanted in all relationships, but in the kind of relationship I seek and am in, it is) when I allow someone in enough to actually RELY on them, and then my needs are not being met it hurts deeply. I will push them away for a long long time (unless my person actually communicates and ASKS me how I am. I swear to God I will wholeheartedly kiss the feet of the man who has the intuition to ask the question i ask him every single day "Is there anything I can do to make your day better, easier, or happier?" ... certainly not in that way. I had ONE Master in my life who did, and I did not understand at the time exactly what a treasure it was. He would begin every single day by asking me "How are my slave's heart, mind, body, and soul today?" But the minute that they flat out refuse to meet a sincere need that I've kept as long as I possibly can, it damages the trust and the relationship. 

Everything I just described is a form of topping from the bottom. I'm guilty. We all are on occasion, it is human nature. It may have been to a degree subconscious, but it was. The roots of that are the underlying messages they imply: "I do not trust you to meet my needs if I share them." "I do not trust you to be dependable." "I believe you need a loophole, because you will inevitably let me down." 

None of these things are because I feel like I'm not WORTH my needs being met. Quite the opposite. It takes a hell of a lot for me to view someone as worthy of me, and at the same time, life has taught me that everyone will let me down, no matter how good a man he is. I tend to believe that I will put in far more work into the relationship than my partner will. 

I trust me to fight through problems and difficulties. I do not trust others to do the same. 

Catch 22:

This backfires. It became a self fulfilling prophecy. See.... he, whoever he was at the time, would be meeting my needs more than enough for me to be more than happy in the relationship until things in his life went to hell. It was never a case of him not wanting to meet my needs, those he was aware he was filling, and those he was unaware of his contribution to, or the importance of. He was just naturally doing it. When his life (not one his, this is a pattern which is why it must be addressed.) was not alright, when things in his life went to hell he would pull back to handle his things and inevitably some of my needs would go unmet. This is where I'd eat it, I'd be patient and quiet. Do my best to be supportive and understanding. It is only when we are both in crisis at the same time that my needs **can not** be ignored because they are truly that, needs. Not wants. Not me being a demanding prissy princess bitch. No. They are true real NEEDS NEEDS. If they are so pressing and important as to me needing to actually call things to the carpet and actually confront, things are dire.... but at the same time the reality is that if things in HIS life have gotten to the point that he has let it get there, his own life is such that he absolutely CAN NOT be there to meet them. I will give the benefit of the doubt now and say: "can not" not "will not". 

And there is the crux of the issue. I created the mess. I didnt give him a snowball's chance in hell, because I did it wrong from the beginning. I didn't lay out those needs in black and white so that when his life was getting into crisis he absolutely knew that I needed ABC. He could not make intelligent informed decisions about his own behavior and mine. He could not lead, because I'd buried the leash. Perhaps this is not giving enough credit. I'm not sure. Either way, I certainly had done enough of "filling my bowl" with hurts and perceived slights so that when it came to that moment of "I fucking need you!" and he had to say "I can not" my bowl was full, and he was entirely unaware that it was.  It creates an impasse that no one is equipped to handle. 

I am well aware I will be taken to task for this as well. I can already mentally SEE your: "oh excuse me, once again, the Queen of thinking she is responsible for all things in the world. Let me bow to your ability to control the fucking wind." ~ wry laugh. 

I have a dear friend who has been gently kicking my ass over a concept that we disagree on. I made the comment that in every situation that goes wrong, I carry a measure of responsibility. I should have been able to prevent in some way. His reaction was a bit hurtful at the time ^the above^ but at the same time, we both had a point. I'm really good at taking responsibility for my own actions and mistakes, i'm not good at placing blame, and I rarely take credit. It is a symptom of everything I just said. I trust me to be responsible, I do not trust others. 

So what ARE my needs? I'm going to work on identifying those over the coming *however long*. I'm not putting a time limit on it. It will be hard for me to truly differentiate wants from needs, because I works so damn hard to not differentiate them, putting everything into the wants column. 

I would like to end this with putting a very important piece of advice here as written by a dear friend, whom I'm immensely grateful to. 

"The issue of wants and needs is often discussed in terms of those on the right side of the slash, /s.  It is often said that it is the submissive’s or slave’s responsibility to expose to their Dominant/Master/Owner all their perceived wants and needs (not necessarily an easy introspection) and it is the Dominant’s or Master’s responsibility to decide which are in actuality a want even if perceived by the sub/slave as a need and vise versa.

It is also important for an equal or greater introspection on the part of the Dominant/Master/Owner to understand Their wants and needs, also a difficult task. From people I respect it is generally thought to have an order of priority:

submissive’s needs
Dominant’s needs
Dominant’s wants
submissive’s wants
It is important to note, thought not the point of this post, that the submissive’s needs come first.  Get used to it." ~Master Arach; http://theeroticist.com/

Thank you for being my friend. I'm honored by the time you spend with me. I'm grateful that you chose to do so. I'm also grateful for your compassionate supportive kicks in the behind. 

~The Velveteen Slave

https://voca.ro/o5mXISgQTMN

Needs Series Index: 

Taken to Task: https://thecage.co/blog/userblog.php?blog_id=60944&postid=33947

#1 Time: https://thecage.co/blog/userblog.php?blog_id=60944&postid=33971

#2 Growth: https://thecage.co/blog/userblog.php?blog_id=60944&postid=34002

#3 Seen, Heard, Understood: https://thecage.co/blog/userblog.php?blog_id=60944&postid=34083

#4 Safety & Consistency: https://thecage.co/blog/userblog.php?blog_id=60944&postid=34741

#5 R.E.S.P.E.C.T: https://thecage.co/blog/userblog.php?blog_id=60944&postid=35049

#6 Love: https://thecage.co/blog/userblog.php?blog_id=60944&postid=35678

#7 Acceptance: https://thecage.co/blog/userblog.php?blog_id=60944&postid=35883

Finale: The tamed to the Tamer: https://thecage.co/blog/userblog.php?blog_id=60944&postid=36310

Follow up: The Gauntlet: EARN ME! https://thecage.co/blog/userblog.php?blog_id=60944&postid=36373