How To Be A Dom

Before I publish this I thought long and hard about why some people get so upset when I share information some of my own and other's are just things I believe in why reinvent the wheel this is my blog and I like helping by sharing information if it keeps one sub safe I will take all the snarky remarks all I ask is what are you doing to help our community?

In short, S&M stands for Sadomasochism. But an answer like that is about as accurate as my grade ten math exam and as satisfying as the series finale of Sopranos.

The better and more inclusive term?

BDSM = Bondage & Discipline, Dominance & Submission, Sadism & Masochism.

Heavy sounding words with an entire universe of confusion and judgment surrounding it. And it does sound very dark.

You probably think of something like the black and white image of "Steppy Leather Lady".

And it's true.

However, would you think of something like this image with "Cat Girl"?

This adorable, little kitten is into Pet Play. Scratching behind the ears, stroking of the back, told she’s the cutest thing ever.

Yep, sign me up now!

WHAT EACH TERM MEANS

BONDAGE = being tied up or restrained for the purposes of erotic enjoyment, aesthetic display, or somatosensory stimulation. This can include, rope, tape, stocking, ties, or anything that renders the person immobile. 

And yes, the fuzzy pink handcuffs at the bottom of your draw count.

Next is...

DISCIPLINE = Using rules and punishments to control or correct behavior.

It might sound scary (like getting caught jerking off in a church by a nun ... or 10 of them), but this can be exercised in any degree you can imagine -- but only in degrees you consent to.

Punishments are always discussed and agreed upon ahead of time. It can include: lectures, physical pain, humiliation (e.g. standing in the corner, naked), psychological punishments, loss of freedom (e.g. losing your computer or phone privileges)

“Since you can’t hold still, I’m going to have to tie you up.” or “Handwrite ‘I will not be late’ three hundred times.”

Or, in m my case, "Do the multiplication table without a calculator or fingers ... or toes."

Yeah? F-you.

DOMINANCE & SUBMISSION = The power exchange between two people. One having control over the other's actions.

It can be done over the phone, email, text, or in person. If you hear the word “Switch”, it means the person goes both ways – dominant and submissive.

There are many reasons why people choose either role, but the exchange is to give BOTH parties pleasure, not just one.

SADISM & MASOCHISM  = This is where we get the S&M (although SM or S/M is the more commonly used acronym).

The pleasure derived from giving or receiving pain or humiliation. Not to be confused with the other usage of someone with cruel intentions. Aka. Assholes. 

DON'T SAY "I'M INTO BDSM"

It’s like saying, “I’m into sports”.

Okay. Fine. But which sport? 

You can like soccer, but loath hockey. You could have every Manchester United piece of sports paraphernalia and play on a wannabe pro team, or you could just kick around some balls once a month (which could also be deemed a BDSM activity, by the way). 

Someone might like many sports (and be well versed in all things related to their passion) but very few people like ALL sports.

Where is this sports rant going?

Mirror that with the umbrella term of BDSM and all its subcultures,

What do you get?

ONE SIMPLE FACT: There’s no one “right” way to be kinky.  

People have to do what works for them and their partner and not push it onto others (you can discuss, share, and disagree, but never push).

EXAMPLE: One girl could like being tied up but hate spanking while her friend is the opposite. A dude could get off wearing his wife’s underwear and ball gag while cleaning the bathroom, but only twice a year. You might like handcuffs, but not be interested in them after a few years.

It’s all okay.

Which brings us to the next important part...

TERMS AND CONCEPTS TO KNOW

A. CONSENT

One cornerstone of any healthy, respectful BDSM encounter. It is “an informed, uncoerced, enthusiastic, revocable permission for something to happen at or over the legal age of consent.”

People agree to play whether through a formal contract, verbal agreement, or casual conversation – it’s anything that clearly communicates they are aware of, educated on, and comfortable with the terms set forth.

Hell, my man and I know each other so well, a wink will do.

There’s also the word “revocable”, meaning they can take back the consent (aka changing their minds) and cease play at any time they want.

And just for fun ...

Here's an oldie but a goodie - something you probably watched in sex-ed class...

B. SAFE

Since BDSM walks into the realm of risky (in varying degrees) parties must be aware of and do everything that can to avoid or minimize possible unwanted injuries, disease, or danger.

Aka, you can hurt someone but not HURT someone.

To do this, one should research and understand the kink they’re about to explore.

EXAMPLE: What’s the cause of compression marks, rope burn, pinching, and bruising? Don’t know? Don’t get into Shibari (Japanese rope bondage) without some serious homework.

YEP, a huge amount of your kink world will be...

... reading and learning.

There is also the  ALL HOLY, ALL POWERFUL, NON-NEGOTIABLE ...

SAFE WORD

What is this word people keep going on and ON about?

It's a special word or designated movement which communicates to the person controlling the scene that there is a problem and play needs to immediately stop.

I know what  you're asking, "But why not just say "stop??"

You CAN. It's a perfectly acceptable choice.

But yep, you guessed it, there is a 'however" coming.

It needs to be something you normally wouldn’t scream in the middle of an intense moment. If you're in a scenario where you want to say "stop" BUT DON'T REALLY WANT THEM TO, then it's not a good choice - it will just confuse the shit out of your Dom/Domme.

Something like, “Pudding!” would be better.

A common choice is the traffic light system:

green (keep going)
yellow (getting near my limits)
red (immediately stop)
 

If you want more ideas, or watch some giggle-worthy videos, take a look at:

"Good Safe Words and Interesting Uses in Media"

Keep in mind:

This rule doesn’t apply to only the “bottom” (someone giving up control). “Tops” are totally within their rights to use safety words as well.

C. SANE

We're not talking about my friend's general consensus on my state of mind ... or lack thereof. 

It's having a healthy, sensible, and realistic frame of mind that is free from psychological derangement (here's where my friends tend to laugh and say I'm excluded)  

But being 100% serious...

Stay away from the batshit crazy play partners and predators posing as Doms/Dommes.

Good partners act responsibly and exercise good judgment.

They have appropriate self-control and are respectful.

Since we’re dealing with power-exchange, and handing over large amounts of trust, making sane (controlled) choices is paramount.

The absence of SSC (forcing or pressuring someone to perform a sexual act that they are not willing to do and doing something that can endanger them) is rape and/or abuse.

It makes me vomit in my mouth when people say (or even believe) that slapping the BDSM term on abuse makes it okay.

Disgusting.

No.

Go to jail. Do not pass go. Do not collect your f*ing 200 dollars.

LEARN ABOUT LIMITS

I know it's a lot of info but stay with me here.

Limits are something you should talk about before you even agree to play.

But there's not just one kind.

There are ...

Soft Limits – something a person is uncomfortable with, can be consented to but requires a cautious approach

“I’m willing to try anal beads, but we need to move really slowly and be prepared for a safety word.”

Hard Limits – under no circumstances can the action be done, violating a hard limit is just cause for ending a scene and sometimes a relationship.

“Under no circumstances can you slap me in the face or insult me.”

Requirement Limits aka Must Limits – something MUST happen in a scene/play.

“You need to give me lots of kisses.”

Time Limits – a set period of time in which a scene or relationship (e.g. contract) will last.

"We will play for one hour, and one hour only."

"No" Limits – total power exchange, consensual non-consent (highly controversial in the BDSM community).

5. GETTING INTO BDSM

It’s recommended you take your time and have LOTS of communication with your partner. It won’t happen quickly.

If you’re lucky you’ll find someone you can talk to and confide in, but please make sure they are they healthy kind of person to be around. If there is no one to talk to, don’t despair! There are TONS of material on the internet and in books.

You can tiptoe into the shallow end of the pool by trying:

Light spanking (very light)
Light biting
Tying up with fuzzy handcuffs
Light orgasm denial
Sexy/kinky clothing
 

The next part is where I get a bit ranty/preachy/whatever...

Read on if you want a funny story about a Japanese fetish party, or just skip to the end/

6. MISCONCEPTIONS & STIGMA

Society and, in a large part, media has misrepresented and painted these practices as something dark, violent, and disturbed (like an episode of Law and Order: SVU) – that only those who were abused or are bonkers like such things.

It’s a rather large injustice to a community that is full of wonderful, kind, open people.

We need to be careful not to pigeonhole people into categories based on a single glimpse or a thimbleful of knowledge about that person’s life.

Understand, it’s all measured in experience and perceived extremes.

One person might equate his lady donning a strap-on with an elephant-sized dildo as grounds for divorce, while another could call it a normal Saturday night.

Even hair pulling, biting, and scratching nails down someone’s back during sex falls within the BDSM realm – it’s just to the lighter side.

As long as it’s SCC between two (or three or four...) people, it’s really nobody else’s business.

For example Story Time in Japan

I went to a fetish party in Japan and watched a girl being tied up by a Bakushi Master (Bondage Master).

As he was pulling on the ropes, she started to bawl.

I mean, these were full-on sobs as if someone just told her she had to repeat high school, Santa wasn't real, and then kicked her puppy. My first instinct was that she was in trouble and the scene should stop.

I looked around the crowd of admirers.

WTF. 

Why no one was stepping in??

As I was mentally preparing to step up and fight for the reputation of the BDSM community and all things SSC, the girl’s boyfriend came up and tickled her – tears immediately ceased and she let loose a howling laugh.

It was immediately followed by a string of Japanese that loosely translated into, “Stop that, you (add explicative here) !” She then looked up and the Bukushi Master gave a little smile and asked him to continue.

Tears started again.

Yep, even for someone like me who adores BDSM and general kinkiness, there are moments of self-evaluation, re-evaluation, and getting my head out of my ass.

You’ve also heard the term “coming out” – it’s not only for the gay community. You can find it in the BDSM world as well.

Many people choose to keep their lifestyle a secret for fear of judgment or repercussions – like losing your job because your boss thinks you’re going to whip out a flogger in the middle of your business meeting (even though you haven’t in the five years of previous meetings). Some, however, choose not to hide their preferences. This is also classified as coming out.

 
One last thing to keep in mind – you can try something and not like it. It’s just as okay as trying something and loving it.

Explore, try, and test. But above all, be SAFE!

WHAT EACH TERM MEANS

WHAT IS BDSM? 6 ESSENTIAL CONCEPTS FOR BEGINNERS

You're probably here because you've come across the term S&M and it freaks you out ... but not enough to run away. There might even be a little curiosity budding under that sweet, vanilla exterior. 

The good news ...

This world isn't as terrifying as some media has painted it (or as ridiculously unhealthy as 50 Shades has portrayed).  In fact, the world is SO LARGE, there's something in there for everyone.

KEY TERMS AND CONCEPTS

In short, S&M stands for Sadomasochism. But an answer like that is about as accurate as my grade ten math exam and as satisfying as the series finale of Sopranos.

The better and more inclusive term?

BDSM = Bondage & Discipline, Dominance & Submission, Sadism & Masochism.

Heavy sounding words with an entire universe of confusion and judgment surrounding it. And it does sound very dark.

You probably think of something like the black and white image of "Steppy Leather Lady".

And it's true.

However, would you think of something like this image with "Cat Girl"?

This adorable, little kitten is into Pet Play. Scratching behind the ears, stroking of the back, told she’s the cutest thing ever.

Yep, sign me up now!

WHAT EACH TERM MEANS

BONDAGE = being tied up or restrained for the purposes of erotic enjoyment, aesthetic display, or somatosensory stimulation. This can include, rope, tape, stocking, ties, or anything that renders the person immobile. 

And yes, the fuzzy pink handcuffs in the bottom of your draw count.

Next is...

DISCIPLINE = Using rules and punishments to control or correct behavior.

It might sound scary (like getting caught jerking off in a church by a nun ... or 10 of them), but this can be exercised in any degree you can imagine -- but only in degrees you consent to.

Punishments are always discussed and agreed upon ahead of time. It can include: lectures, physical pain, humiliation (e.g. standing in the corner, naked), psychological punishments, loss of freedom (e.g. losing your computer or phone privileges)

“Since you can’t hold still, I’m going to have to tie you up.” or “Handwrite ‘I will not be late’ three hundred times.”

Or, in m my case, "Do the multiplication table without a calculator or fingers ... or toes."

Yeah? F-you.

DOMINANCE & SUBMISSION = The power exchange between two people. One having control over the other's actions.

It can be done over the phone, email, text, or in person. If you hear the word “Switch”, it means the person goes both ways – dominant and submissive.

There are many reasons why people choose either role, but the exchange is to give BOTH parties pleasure, not just one.

SADISM & MASOCHISM  = This is where we get the S&M (although SM or S/M is the more commonly used acronym).

The pleasure derived from giving or receiving pain or humiliation. Not to be confused with the other usage of someone with cruel intentions. Aka. Assholes. 

Mirror that with the umbrella term of BDSM and all its subcultures,

What do you get?

ONE SIMPLE FACT: There’s no one “right” way to be kinky.  

People have to do what works for them and their partner and not push it onto others (you can discuss, share, and disagree, but never push).

EXAMPLE: One girl could like being tied up but hate spanking while her friend is the opposite. A dude could get off wearing his wife’s underwear and ball gag while cleaning the bathroom, but only twice a year. You might like handcuffs, but not be interested in them after a few years.

It’s all okay.

Which brings us to the next important part...

TERMS AND CONCEPTS TO KNOW

A. CONSENT

One cornerstone of any healthy, respectful BDSM encounter. It is “an informed, uncoerced, enthusiastic, revocable permission for something to happen at or over the legal age of consent.”

People agree to play whether through a formal contract, verbal agreement, or casual conversation – it’s anything that clearly communicates they are aware of, educated on, and comfortable with the terms set forth.

Hell, my man and I know each other so well, a wink will do.

There’s also the word “revocable”, meaning they can take back the consent (aka changing their minds) and cease play at any time they want.

And just for fun ...

Here's an oldie but a goodie - something you probably watched in sex-ed class...

B. SAFE

Since BDSM walks into the realm of risky (in varying degrees) parties must be aware of and do everything that can to avoid or minimize possible unwanted injuries, disease, or danger.

Aka, you can hurt someone but not HURT someone.

To do this, one should research and understand the kink they’re about to explore.

EXAMPLE: What’s the cause of compression marks, rope burn, pinching, and bruising? Don’t know? Don’t get into Shibari (Japanese rope bondage) without some serious homework.

YEP, a huge amount of your kink world will be...

... reading and learning.

There is also the  ALL HOLY, ALL POWERFUL, NON-NEGOTIABLE ...

SAFE WORD

What is this word people keep going on and ON about?

It's a special word or designated movement which communicates to the person controlling the scene that there is a problem and play needs to immediately stop.

I know what  you're asking, "But why not just say "stop??"

You CAN. It's a perfectly acceptable choice.

But yep, you guessed it, there is a 'however" coming.

It needs to be something you normally wouldn’t scream in the middle of an intense moment. If you're in a scenario where you want to say "stop" BUT DON'T REALLY WANT THEM TO, then it's not a good choice - it will just confuse the shit out of your Dom/Domme.

Something like, “Pudding!” would be better.

A common choice is the traffic light system:

green (keep going)
yellow (getting near my limits)
red (immediately stop)

Keep in mind:

This rule doesn’t apply to only the “bottom” (someone giving up control). “Tops” are totally within their rights to use safety words as well.

C. SANE

We're not talking about my friend's general consensus on my state of mind ... or lack thereof. 

It's having a healthy, sensible, and realistic frame of mind that is free from psychological derangement (here's where my friends tend to laugh and say I'm excluded)  

But being 100% serious...

Stay away from the batshit crazy play partners and predators posing as Doms/Dommes.

Good partners act responsibly and exercise good judgment.

They have appropriate self-control and are respectful.

Since we’re dealing with power-exchange, and handing over large amounts of trust, making sane (controlled) choices is paramount.

The absence of SSC (forcing or pressuring someone to perform a sexual act that they are not willing to do and doing something that can endanger them) is rape and/or abuse.

It makes me vomit in my mouth when people say (or even believe) that slapping the BDSM term on abuse makes it okay.

Disgusting.

No.

Go to jail. Do not pass go. Do not collect your f*ing 200 dollars.

LEARN ABOUT LIMITS

I know it's a lot of info but stay with me here.

Limits are something you should talk about before you even agree to play.

But there's not just one kind.

There are ...

Soft Limits – something a person is uncomfortable with, can be consented to but requires a cautious approach

“I’m willing to try anal beads, but we need to move really slowly and be prepared for a safety word.”

Hard Limits – under no circumstances can the action be done, violating a hard limit is just cause for ending a scene and sometimes a relationship.

“Under no circumstances can you slap me in the face or insult me.”

Requirement Limits aka Must Limits – something MUST happen in a scene/play.

“You need to give me lots of kisses.”

Time Limits – a set period of time in which a scene or relationship (e.g. contract) will last.

"We will play for one hour, and one hour only."

"No" Limits – total power exchange, consensual non-consent (highly controversial in the BDSM community).

5. GETTING INTO BDSM

It’s recommended you take your time and have LOTS of communication with your partner. It won’t happen quickly.

If you’re lucky you’ll find someone you can talk to and confide in, but please make sure they are they healthy kind of person to be around. If there is no one to talk to, don’t despair! There are TONS of material on the internet and in books.

You can tiptoe into the shallow end of the pool by trying:

Light spanking (very light)
Light biting
Tying up with fuzzy handcuffs
Light orgasm denial
Sexy/kinky clothing

6. MISCONCEPTIONS & STIGMA

Society and, in a large part, media has misrepresented and painted these practices as something dark, violent, and disturbed (like an episode of Law and Order: SVU) – that only those who were abused or are bonkers like such things.

It’s a rather large injustice to a community that is full of wonderful, kind, open people.

We need to be careful not to pigeonhole people into categories based on a single glimpse or a thimbleful of knowledge about that person’s life.

Understand, it’s all measured in experience and perceived extremes.

One person might equate his lady donning a strap-on with an elephant-sized dildo as grounds for divorce, while another could call it a normal Saturday night.

Even hair pulling, biting, and scratching nails down someone’s back during sex falls within the BDSM realm – it’s just to the lighter side.

As long as it’s SCC between two (or three or four...) people, it’s really nobody else’s business.

But being 100% serious...

Stay away from the batshit crazy play partners and predators posing as Doms/Dommes.

Good partners act responsibly and exercise good judgment.

They have appropriate self-control and are respectful.

Since we’re dealing with power-exchange, and handing over large amounts of trust, making sane (controlled) choices is paramount.

The absence of SSC (forcing or pressuring someone to perform a sexual act that they are not willing to do and doing something that can endanger them) is rape and/or abuse.

It makes me vomit in my mouth when people say (or even believe) that slapping the BDSM term on abuse makes it okay.

Disgusting.

No.

Go to jail. Do not pass go. Do not collect your f*ing 200 dollars.

Understand, it’s all measured in experience and perceived extremes.

One person might equate his lady donning a strap-on with an elephant-sized dildo as grounds for divorce, while another could call it a normal Saturday night.

Even hair pulling, biting, and scratching nails down someone’s back during sex falls within the BDSM realm – it’s just to the lighter side.

As long as it’s SCC between two (or three or four...) people, it’s really nobody else’s business.

Robyn

A true Master shall take pride in the fact that a woman has chosen to devote her entire being to the satisfaction and fulfillment of his desires. Just as she, in return, can take pride that such a man has chosen her, above all others to provide that fulfillment. For openers, the female should decide that she may actually be a true submissive, and find the courage and commitment to put herself in the hands of a true Master. She must know that at that precise moment her option to make choices will end. He will do what he wants to do, completely apart from her preconceived ideas. I am not necessarily referring to physical discipline, and I am most definitely not referring to the extremes of physical discipline. There are always limits, and the true Master knows what they are. He also knows that those limits are different for every slave. But he also knows that regardless of those individually determined limits, every slave should at least once be forced to go one step beyond what she believes she can endure.

A Master should do what pleases him. The secret is to know the slave well enough so that while pleasing himself, he also provides her with fulfillment. But he should also once in a while take his slave (even for a brief moment) slightly beyond her own self-conceived limits. But in doing so, he must take care not to really hurt her. Again he must know the slave well. In short, a slave should, once in a while, be forced to beg to plead, "Oh God, please stop!" But after every session, a slave should also, if only just to herself, always say, "Oh God, I want him to have me again!"

As I said, it doesn't have to be physical discipline. If the female is lucky, she may someday find a Master who is also an expert at sensual "torture." If you have never experienced this, you may not believe it, but a Master who knows the art, and who is smart enough to learn what kind of a woman he is dealing with, will be able to "torture" her without hurting her at all!

The human body can voluntarily withstand only a certain level of sensual pleasure or sensation. That is why a man, when he has an orgasm, usually stops moving, because he just can't stand the sensation of having the tip of his penis stimulated while he is coming. That's also why a woman who has a true, full orgasm also usually stops moving, or arches her back and pulls her body taut, or fights or cries out or curls into a ball.

It is not that it hurts. It is just that the pleasure is unbearable! But suppose a woman were tied and exposed and helpless. And suppose that a man knew her well enough to be able to regularly bring her to full orgasm. And then suppose the Master did that and kept her there right at the peak for perhaps five minutes or ten or even twenty minutes! Imagine being at the peak of orgasm that didn't stop. Imagine straining at your bonds and screaming and pleading and begging for him to stop, and imagine him being good enough and strong enough to ignore the screams and to keep that sensual "torture" going on and on, because it pleases him to hear the screams and begging him to stop but not until he chooses to, for himself.

This same principle is true of actual physical discipline, for those Master/slave relationships where true discipline is involved. Suppose that a slave could, without being bound, voluntarily withstand thirty lashes of a whip across her back. But then suppose she was bound, arms stretched high overhead, her body naked and helpless, and her Master begins her "test." And because she is proud, and because she wants to provide her Master with as much pleasure as possible, she does not actually " break" until after forty lashes, but then she begs him to stop. If he is a true Master, and if it really brings him pleasure to continue, he should not stop. Perhaps he should continue for another five lashes, or maybe even ten, depending on his pleasure, of course, but also based on the knowledge he has, through experience, of just how much his slave can really endure, not simply what her body tells her she can endure. There is a difference.

If the Master is wise and has been accurate in his assessment of his slave's true stamina, the slave will realize that she actually did endure it after all. Even more important, she will be proud that she was able to provide her Master with that additional pleasure, and the next time perhaps she won't beg until after fifty lashes.

But of course, the Master may not stop then, either!

S/M can be the most exciting form of sexual foreplay ever experienced. Every "Master/slave" relationship should be based on a profound and deeply satisfying sexual relationship. Every meeting should include (and usually conclude with) some form of sexual activity that is satisfying to both. But that, of course, is generally true of every deep male/female relationship.

So what makes this any different?

The difference lies in the submission of one and the dominance of the other. That, of course, is what your own fantasies have been based on. In effect, you say you have dreamed of " submitting" yourself to a man, allowing yourself to be rendered helpless so that he can "rape" you. And that act of submission, you say, would enhance the excitement and pleasure you would derive from the sex act. (Indeed, the truth may be that this is the only way that you would be able to derive real pleasure from sex.)

But if this is as far as you've gone in your fantasies, you may well be asking yourself, "What is all the rest about?" Why does he/she talk about prolonged sexual teasing and torture? And what about real discipline ... actual pain, even if only at a very minor threshold level? Would a Master really whip me? Could you really whip her?

I have no idea, but the simple fact is that all these things, carefully selected and based on each partner's individual reaction, can be part of what becomes a much greater and much more rewarding and much more fulfilling sexual relationship. Sex, without some form of mutual love or deep feelings, is of little meaning and that, in turn, requires each partner to try to give the other as much pleasure as possible. For a submissive, that means "giving" herself to her Master, for his pleasure. The total submission of her mind and body are her gifts to him, for him to do with as he chooses, and he takes great pleasure in that gift.

Every Master is different, of course, but in general, takes tremendous pleasure in imposing dominance and will upon a submissive female, both mentally and physically. Using both her mind and body to demonstrate power over her. Make her think and feel like she has never felt before. Forcing her to experience the furthest extremes of sensual and physical sensations. Making her beg to stop either the pleasure or the pain.

Best of all, the male should love watching her face and her expressions as she realizes that, despite her pleas, he is not going to stop, at least not right that minute. And, finally, he should love watching her recognize his dominance over her, and then watching her resign her mind and her body to accept the previously unacceptable ... all for his pleasure!

Through all of this, and governing all of this, is the overriding "love" that he should feel for her and, in turn, it is her knowledge that he does care for her deeply, and the trust that that knowledge gives her, that allows her to give him that marvelous gift of her mind and body.

But what about the submissive one? What pleasure does she get? Again each is different, but there are some common denominators. First, a "slave" must deeply trust and deeply care for her Master. She should truly want to give him pleasure. And so, for most slaves, the first pleasure is the very deep pleasure derived from the act of giving ... a very profound pleasure because the gift she gives is also profound. .... She gives herself!

Second ( although there are some exceptions), a submissive female usually derives tremendous intellectual, sensual, and ultimately, sexual pleasure from the experience, assuming, of course, that the Master is really gifted and sensitive and understanding. I assure you that I have only scratched the surface. The Master should be able to teach the slave things about herself she had never dreamed of, exposing her to sources of pleasure of a kind and a level and an intensity she had never imagined!! The Master should explore every part of her mind and body, and would ultimately discover the keys to her deepest pleasures.

It may be strictly sensual. There may be certain special parts of her body that, properly stimulated, turn on all her sexual senses. It may be just the bondage and helplessness itself, together with her ability to commit herself to it. Most submissive women derive tremendous sexual pleasure simply from being bound. (Almost all of them become lubricated and ready for sexual intercourse while in bondage.)

She may find pleasure in pain. And if she does, it may be just a certain level of pain, or pain applied just to a certain part of her body. Many submissive people derive the most intense and exquisite sexual pleasure from the forced imposition of physical discipline, even to the point of orgasm.

You should know that " discipline" doesn't mean simply the whip. (Although, indeed, that phrase simply the whip" is totally misleading. There are literally hundreds of different kinds of whips, each capable of being used in a hundred different ways, so that in just this one "simple" area, there are an infinite variety of ways available to a knowledgeable Master to impose an equally infinite variety of torments.)

But there is so much, much more .... endless means, endless targets, endless degrees. To a really imaginative and experienced Master, a marvelous and exquisite and almost limitless choice ia available. But he must also have the sensitivity and the understanding and, yes, the love, to choose the right ones.

If he does, he will be successful in fulfilling his role as a Master. He will provide pleasure for himself, of his own choosing, but he will also provide his submissive partner either extreme pleasure or total psychological fulfillment or, often, both, depending on her own special nature and needs.

Then there is the whole area of submission without bondage. A true Master, using proper training, can teach a woman to be totally submissive without putting her in bondage. If you really have accepted a man as your Master, you should want to totally obey him without being "forced"

If he orders you to strip, you will strip. If he orders you to kneel, you will kneel. If he orders you to stand before him with your legs apart and your arms stretched high above your head, and not to move, you will do as he orders. And if while you are standing there, he chooses to whip you, you still will not move. And if he orders you to count the lashes, you will count them for him.

And if he orders you to kneel, naked next to his bed while he sleeps. and to remain there, instantly ready to serve him in any way should he awake, you will kneel there, silent and naked and ready, and you will stay there. And if he does not awake until morning, you will still be there ... still kneeling .... still naked .... still ready.

But then a wise Master will order you to join him, and he will acknowledge the great pleasure your obedience has given him, and he will reward you with that special marvelous pleasure of your own that he knows so well to give you.

So what's this all about? A wonderfully elaborate, infinitely varied, terribly exciting series of scenarios, carefully and lovingly selected and orchestrated by the Master to provide both himself and his submissive partner with the most exquisite and profound emotional and sexual pleasure, each scenario based on, taking advantage of, and dramatizing the dominant nature of one and the submissive nature of the other.

It is, of course, a tremendous challenge. First, there's the challenge to the submissive to accept and endure the torment of bondage and discipline by which her chosen Master tests her and throughout which he realizes the most profound pleasure. (A weak or sniveling "slave" provides little pleasure for a Master) Of course, there are limits and, of course, they must be respected. But there will be those special times when, after being queried by her Master, the proud submissive will take as deep a breath as her chains will permit, look him in the eye, and in her own special way and words say, in effect, "I'm here for your pleasure. Please don't stop until you are totally satisfied."

That is the challenge of the body. But there is also the challenge of the mind and the spirit. After all, a man is physically stronger than a woman, so physical domination (in its rawest sense, at least) is easy.

But intellectually it's a different matter because, in an ideal S/M relationship, both partners should be equal in intellect so that the dominant and submissive roles result from conviction and choice rather than imposition. In addition to being physically dominant, a "Master"- while not intellectually superior, must also be intellectually dominant ... dominant by nature and spirit and will .... choosing to dominate while the submissive chooses to understand and appreciate and ultimately submit to that will. That is a much subtle and a far more difficult challenge.

But you need two things:

1. A Master who really knows how to lead the slave to the far most pleasures.

2. A submissive with the courage to take the first step to try it.

Whatever the case. Take your time and go sloooow! :)

Brenda Sadi

"Within the S/M subculture, different people use the words 'submissive' and 'slave' to mean many different things. When submissives say 'I want to be your slave,' sometimes they mean only that they want to be tied up and whipped. Many professional dominants routinely refer to their (usually not very genuinely submissive clients) as 'slaves.' At the other extreme, there are people who want to be full-time personal servants, and who truly want to exist solely for their Dom(me)'s use, pleasure, and convenience. And there are many shades in between these two extremes."

THE OUTRIGHT NON-SUBMISSIVE MASOCHIST or KINKY SENSUALIST. Not into servitude, humiliation or giving up control; just pain and/or spiced-up sensuality, on the masochist's own terms and for the masochist's own direct pleasure (i.e. turned on solely/mainly by one's own bodily sensations rather than by being "used" to gratify one's partner's sadism).

PSEUDO-SUBMISSIVE NON-SLAVE. Not into even playing "slave," but into other "submissive" role-playing, e.g. schoolteacher scenes, infantilism, "forced" transvestism. Usually into humiliation, but NOT into servitude, even in play. Dictates the scene to a large degree.

PSEUDO-SUBMISSIVE PLAY SLAVE. Likes to play at being a slave; likes to feel subservient; may in some cases like to feel one is being "used" to gratify partner's sadism; may even really serve the dominant in some ways, but only on the "slave's" own terms. Dictates the scene to a large degree; often fetishistic (e.g. foot worshipers).

TRUE SUBMISSIVE NON-SLAVE. Really gives up control (only temporarily and within agreed-upon limits), but gets her/his main satisfaction from aspects of submission other than serving or being used by the dominant. Usually turned on by suspense, vulnerability, and/or giving up responsibility. Doesn't dictate the scene except in very general terms, but still seek mainly her/his own direct pleasure (rather than getting one's pleasure mainly from pleasing the dominant).

TRUE SUBMISSIVE PLAY SLAVE. Really gives up control (though only temporarily; only during brief "scenes" and within limits) and gets main satisfaction from serving/being used by dominant, but only for FUN purposes, usually erotic. May not be into pain. If so, is turned on by pain indirectly, i.e. enjoys being the object of one's partner's sadism, on which the submissive places very few requirements or restrictions.

UNCOMMITTED SHORT-TERM BUT MORE THAN PLAY SEMI-SLAVE. Really gives up control (usually within limits); wants to serve and be used by the dominant; wants to provide practical/nonerotic as well as fun/erotic services; but only when the "slave" is in the mood. May even act as a full-time slave for, say, several days at a time, but is free to quit at any time (or at the end of the agreed-upon several days). May or may not have a long-term relationship with one's Mistress, but, either way, the "slave" has the final say over when she will serve.

PART-TIME CONSENSUAL-BUT REAL SLAVE. Has an ongoing commitment to an owner/slave relationship and regards oneself as the property of the dominant at all times. Wants to obey and please dom(me) in all aspects of life-practical/nonerotic and fun/erotic. Devotes most of the time to other commitments (e.g. job) but Dom(me) has first pick of the slave's free time.

FULL-TIME LIVE IN CONSENSUAL SLAVE. Within no more than a few broad limits/requirements, the slave regards herself/himself as existing solely for the Dom(me)'s pleasure/well being. Slave in turn expects to be regarded as a prized possession. Not much different from the situation of the traditional housewife, except that within the S/M world the slave's position is more likely to be fully consensual, especially if the slave is male. Within the S/M world, a full time "slave" arrangement is entered into with an explicit awareness of the magnitude carefully, with more awareness of the magnitude of power that is being given up, and hence is usually entered into much more carefully, with more awareness of the possible dangers, and with much clearer and more specific agreements than usually precede the traditional marriage.

CONSENSUAL TOTAL SLAVE WITH NO LIMITS. A common fantasy ideal that probably doesn't exist in real life (except in authoritarian religious cults and other situations where the "consent" is induced by brainwashing and/or social or economic pressures and hence isn't fully consensual). A few S/M purists will insist that you aren't really a slave unless you're willing to do absolutely anything for your Dom(me), with no limits at all. I've met a few people who claimed to be no-limit slaves, but in all cases, I have reason to doubt the claim.

The above list isn't intended as a rigid classification. Most submissives don't fall neatly into one of these categories; there are still further shades in between. (For example, a live-in slave with an outside paying job would be category 7 1/2. Also the same submissive may attain different degrees of submission with different Dom(me)s. The list is intended simply to show the wide range of different possible meanings of the words "submissive" and "slave."

In the S/M subculture, the majority of "submissives" seek scenes in categories 1-3, whereas most of the Dom(mes) I know (including myself) seek slaves in categories 6-7. If you're a submissive in categories 1-3, you are probably best off seeking a relationship not with a Dom(me) but with a fellow "sub," or with a switchable person into both roles. The two can take turns acting out each other's "submissive" or masochistic fantasies.

When a submissive tells a dominant, "I want to be your slave," it is often hard to tell exactly what is meant. Lots of people fantasize about a much greater degree of submission than they are able or willing to attain in real life, and lots of "slaves," especially inexperienced ones, overestimate their own desire for real-life servitude. A dominant must carefully find out how far the "slave" really wants to go.

BDSM Learning Center

24/7: A relationship in which protocols are in place continuously.

Abrasion: Using something rough (such as sandpaper).

Adult Baby/Diaper Lover (ABDL): Adult babies receive gratification from role-playing an infant (this is known as paraphilic infantilism, a form of ageplay). This can involve submission on the adult baby's part, often to a designated "caregiver", e.g. a daddy dom.

Diaper lovers receive gratification from the wearing and often using diapers. Whilst these two paraphilias are distinct, it is common that a person who enjoys one will also enjoy the other to some degree.

Aftercare: The time after a BDSM scene or play session in which the participants calm down, discuss the previous events and their personal reactions to them, and slowly come back in touch with reality.

BDSM often involves an endorphin high and very intense experience, and failure to engage in proper aftercare can lead to sub drop (See Drop below) as these return to more everyday levels.

In some BDSM relationships, such as D/s, aftercare may involve the Dominant caring for the submissive if physical pain was inflicted, such as applying baby oil to areas that were struck during play.

Auctioned off: Dominant auctions off the slave to the highest bidder (usually supervised and for temporary use).

Bad pain: Good pain and bad pain are terms used lightheartedly by BDSM practitioners, signifying that whilst BDSM may include an element (often quite pronounced) consensual pain, there is a purpose to it, and some pain is consented to and accepted whilst other pain is not.

"Bad pain" is pain which is outside hard limits, non-mutual or non-valued, not wished for, and of limited or no value in this context.

Good pain and bad pain refer to pleasant vs. unpleasant pain. As a "vanilla" example, imagine soreness after a good workout at the gym versus the pain of stubbing your toe. Author Jay Wiseman suggests a correlation between perception of "bad pain" during BDSM play and subsequent injury.

Bastinado: The act of whipping the sub's feet, usually the sub would be tied up to restrict movement as the torture is being inflicted; part of impact play.

BDSM: Bondage/Discipline, Dominance/Submission, Sadism/Masochism: a combined acronym often used as a catchall for anything in the kink scene.

Bondage: Acts involving the physical restraint of a partner. Bondage typically refers to total restraint, however, it can be limited to a particular body part, such as breast bondage.

Bottom: One who receives physical sensation from a top in a scene; the receiving partner.

Breast bondage: The act of tying breasts so that they are either flattened against the chest or so that they bulge.

Breast torture: Torture of the female breasts.

Breath control play: The dominant controls the submissive's breathing.

Butt plug: Much like a dildo, but pear-shaped with a flared base. The flared base prevents the plug from being lost in the anal cavity; the pear shape helps hold the plug in place. They come in a variety of sizes; some can vibrate. Sometimes used in Petplay, with a tail attached.

Chastity: A form of erotic sexual denial or orgasm denial whereby a person is prevented from access to, or stimulation of, their genitals, save at the whim or choice of their partner, usually by means of a device (called a chastity belt or sometimes for men a cock cage) that prevents contact and is controlled by means of a lock by the partner.

Cock and ball torture (CBT): Torture of the male genitals for sexual gratification.

Collared: Submissive or slave who is owned, usually (but certainly not exclusively) in a loving intimate relationship. A dominant may have multiple persons collared.

Also: a pup's status, as differentiated from a "stray".

Collaring: The formal acceptance by a dominant, of a sub's service, or the "ownership" of a pup by a Master or Trainer. Also, the ceremony when a dominant commits to a sub (much like a wedding or other contract).

Consent: Mutual agreement to the terms of a scene or ongoing BDSM relationship.

Consensual non-consensuality: A mutual agreement that within defined limits, consent will be given as read without foreknowledge of the exact actions planned. As such, it is a show of trust and understanding and usually undertaken only by partners who know each other well or otherwise agree to set clear safe limits on their activities.

Contract: A written-out agreement between the dominant and submissive. It can be either formal or non and is usually written after much negotiation by the dominant and the sub, outlining what structure, guidelines, rules, and boundaries to the relationship are agreed upon by the two. It is not legally binding.

DDLG: Daddy Dom/Little Girl, a subset of Dominance and submission. The name of this lifestyle refers to the nurturing relationship between parent/child or teacher/student but does not imply that ageplay is involved.

DM: Dungeon Monitor, a person who supervises the interactions between participants at a play party or dungeons to enforce house rules – essentially, the bouncer of a BDSM event. They sometimes also play cruise director to keep/get the party going.

Dom: A person who exercises control (from dominant-contrast with sub).

Dominant: A person who exercises control – contrast with submissive.

Domme: Woman who exercises control (see also Dominatrix). Often associated with a particular brand of traditional femininity; many younger female dominants prefer to use the nongendered terms dom/dominant.

Drop A feeling of deflation or slight depression that comes after a kinky scene, party, convention, or conference. Usually caused by the removal of positive stimuli and the endorphins they produce either from play or being surrounded by others within the kinky community. It can happen to kinksters of any role.

D/s: Dominance/submission: play or relationships that involve an erotic power exchange.

Dungeon: Usually referring to a room or area with BDSM equipment and play space.

Edgeplay: SM play that involves a chance of harm, either physically or emotionally.
Because the definition of edgeplay is subjective to the specific players (i.e., what is risky for me may not be as risky for you), there is not a universal list of what is included in edgeplay.

However, there are a few forms of play that almost always make the cut, including fireplay, gunplay, rough body play, breath play, and bloodplay.

Sometimes used in reference to erotic sexual denial. (see also chastity).
Electro-Play: The practice of using electrical stimulation to the nerves of the body using a power source (such as a TENS, EMS, Violet wand, or made-for-play units) for purposes of sexual stimulation, body modification, tickling, or torture.

Endorphin rush: Endorphins are the chemicals responsible for the "high" people often get from activities such as sex, or high-risk sports, and is the body's response to heightened or intense experiences of certain kinds. BDSM activities, especially those incorporating a degree of sensation play often cultivate the endorphin rush as part of their "payoff" to the sub.

But also see aftercare for the care needed to ensure that sub drop does not occur afterward as the body returns to normal.

Erotic sexual denial: Keeping another person aroused while delaying or preventing resolution of the feelings, to keep them in a continual state of anticipatory tension and inner conflict, and heightened sensitivity. (see also tease and denial and chastity).

Erotic spanking: The act of spanking another person for the sexual arousal or gratification of either or both parties.

Fetish: A specific obsession or delight in one object or experience.

Figging: Insertion of a piece of peeled ginger root into the anus or vagina.

Financial Domination:(also known as money slavery or findom) is a sexual fetish, in a particular practice of dominance and submission, where a submissive (money slave, finsub, paypig, human ATM, or cash piggy) will give gifts and money to a financial dominant (money mistress, findomme, money domme or cash master).

Fire play: Using fire as an implement of BDSM. This can mean blowing the heat of a light torch onto a bottom, lighting pools of fuel on the bottom's skin, lighting flash cotton on the bottom, and other creative uses of heat.

Cupping is usually considered an offshoot of fireplay, although in sensation it is closer to the use of clips and clamps. Usually considered edgeplay.

Fisting: Inserting a hand into the vagina or rectum.

Genitorture: Torture of the genitals.

Golden showers: Urinating on, or being urinated on by, another person.

Gorean: A subgenre based upon the rituals and practices created within the world of Gor in the erotic novels by John Norman.

Gorean culture is based on stereotypical gender-based roles which are considered by many to be in conflict with BDSM, where there is freedom for either gender to act in any role (Male/Female as either Dom/sub or Top/bottom).

Gunplay: The practice of including actual (or simulated) firearms into a scene.

Handkerchief codes: Visible signs to indicate to others your area of BDSM interest; a color is worn on the left indicates a top, on the right indicates a bottom.

Hard limits: What someone absolutely will not do; non-negotiable (as opposed to "soft limits").

Harem: A group of subs serving one or more dominants.

Hogtie: To tie up a submissive's wrists and ankles, fastening them together
behind their back using physical restraints such as rope or cuffs.

Impact play: Part of sensation play, dealing with the impact such as whips, riding crops, paddles, floggers, etc.

Infantilism: Parent/child or parent/baby role-playing.

K-9 roleplay: Animal roleplay where the animal being roleplayed is a dog.

Kinbaku: Also known as Shibari which literally means "the beauty of tight binding".

Kinbaku is a Japanese style of bondage or BDSM which involves tying up the bottom using simple yet visually intricate patterns, usually with several pieces of thin rope.

Knife play: Slow, methodical sensation of the bottom with the edges and points of knives, usually without cutting the skin. Fear of the weapon plays a large part in the stimulus of the bottom.

Limits: What someone will not participate in (hard limits), or is hesitant to do so (soft limits).

Masochism: Act of receiving pain for sensual/sexual pleasure.

Masochist: A person who enjoys pain, usually sexually.

Master/slave: A consensual relationship in which one person receives control (the Master) when given it by another (the slave) for mutual benefit.

An extreme form of D/s which usually involves a 24/7 relationship rather than a short period of time (a scene or perhaps a weekend.) The slave will usually accept a collar from their Master to show that they are owned.

MDLB: Mommy Domme/Little Boy, the female-led version of DDLG, a subset of Dominance and submission. While this lifestyle may or may not involve ageplay, the name refers to the nurturing relationship of parent/child or teacher/student.

Mummification: Immobilising the body by wrapping it up, usually with multiple layers of tight thin plastic sheeting. Breathing and other safety measures must be appropriately taken care of, often by leaving the face (or at least the mouth and nose) open. Body temperature (maintained to an extent by movement) may also be affected so a warm environment and warm aftercare may be important.

Mummification is often used to enhance a feeling of total bodily helplessness, and incorporated with sensation play.

Munch: A group of people that are into BDSM meeting at a "vanilla" place in street-appropriate attire. Sometimes this is a club. You might see an announcement like, "This weekend's munch is at Denny's".

Needle play: Temporary piercings done with sterile needles of varying gauges, usually only for the duration of a scene.

Nose torture: A traditionally Japanese form of BDSM often involving nose hooks.

OTK: Over the knee (spanking).

Painslut: A person who enjoys receiving a heavy degree of pain but may or may not necessarily enjoy submitting.

Pegging: A sexual practice in which a woman penetrates a man's anus with a strap-on dildo.

Play party: A BDSM event involving many people engaging in scenes.

ProDom: Male professional dominant (charges money).

ProDomme: Female professional dominant (charges money).

Ponygirl or Ponyboy: Sub is dressed in a pony outfit, with mouth bit and anal plug with a tail. They are told to prance or behave like a pony.

Pup-play: Sub is made to act like a puppy. Sub barks, whines, eats from a bowl, etc. Such play is sexual but also focuses on the altered mind-space of bottom/pup and the complete dominance of his/her Trainer/Master.

Pussy torture: Torture of the female genitals for sexual gratification.

RACK – Risk Aware Consensual Kink.

Rape fantasy, ravishment: The pleasurable fantasy of inflicting or being a victim to an act of consensual play-rape.

Rhaphanidosis: Insertion of a piece a radish into the anus.

Rope-bondage: Way to tie someone with ropes. Comes from Japanese kinbaku-bi.

Sadism: The act of inflicting pain.

Sadist: A person who enjoys inflicting pain, usually sexually.

Safe, sane, and consensual – (SSC) a credo used by some BDSM practitioners to determine the appropriateness of BDSM play. Sometimes contrasted to RACK (risk-aware consensual kink).

Safeword – A codeword a bottom can use to force BDSM activity to stop – used especially in scenes that may involve consensual force.

Scat play: Feces play.

Scene: A time period of BDSM activities. Also used to refer to the BDSM community ("the Scene").

Sensation play: BDSM play where the intent is to push people's sensory limits, thus exploring texture, sensory deprival, through to whips, flagellation, and edgeplay.

Service-oriented submission: A person who enjoys performing a service in a sexual or BDSM environment.

Slave: A person (usually submissive) who consensually gives up total control of one or more aspects of their life to another person (their Master).

Soft limits: Something that someone is hesitant to do or is nervous to try. They can sometimes be talked into the activity, or preferably it may be negotiated at a trial or beginner level into a scene.

Sub drop: A physical condition, often with cold- or flu-like symptoms, experienced by a submissive after an intense session of BDSM play. This can last for as long as a week and is best prevented by aftercare immediately after the session.

Submissive, or "sub" for short: Person that gives up control either all the time or for a specified period (not to be confused with "bottom" or "slave").

Subspace: A "natural high" that a sub (or bottom) gets during a scene or when being controlled. The sub may feel disconnected from time, space, and/or their body, and may have limited ability to communicate.

It is critical that a Dom(me)/top take responsibility for the sub/bottom and be aware of their sub's well being if they are in subspace. Long-term dominance and submission relationships without impact play may alternatively define subspace as 'a mental state where the submissive feels a deep emotional resonance or connection with the dom'.

Switch: Someone who likes being both top and bottom, either in one scene or on different occasions.

Taken in hand: 24/7 Male dominance in monogamous marriage, with or without BDSM aspects.

Tease and denial: Keeping another person aroused while delaying or preventing resolution of the feelings, to keep them in a continual state of anticipatory tension and inner conflict, and heightened sensitivity.

Tit torture: The act of causing deliberate physical pain to the breasts and nipples.

TNG: The Next Generation. A tag commonly used by groups and organizations which cater to younger people involved in BDSM typically ages 18–35.

Top: Person "doing the action" (contrast with bottom – the person receiving the action). Not to be confused with Dom which is the person who "puts the scene together".

A male Dom could enjoy CBT and tell a sub what they are to do. In this case, the Top is the submissive (following the direction of the Dom) and the bottom is the Dom (receiving the attention of the top).

Topping from the bottom: A bottom who purports to be a submissive but who nonetheless wants to direct the top.

TPE or Total Power Exchange: A relationship where the dominant or owner has complete authority and influence over the submissive's life, making the majority of decisions.

Training: Either referring to a short period of time, or an ongoing effort of the dominant teaching the submissive how to behave for their own preferences.

Vanilla: Someone who is not into BDSM. Alternatively, sexual behavior which does not encompass BDSM activity. The term is sometimes used in a derogatory sense.

Warm-up: The period at a beginning of a BDSM scene which involves gentle play, allowing the bottom to begin endorphin production, enter subspace, and undergo physiological changes (such as bringing fluids to the surface before impact play) that will accommodate more intense play.

WIITWD: What It Is That We Do. A broad term referring to all forms of alternative sexuality.

Wax play: The top drips hot wax on the bottom.

Some people in the BDSM community begin dominant terms with an upper case, for example, Top, Master, Dom, Domme, etc., as well as to begin submissive terms with a lower case, even were normally incorrect, chiefly in acronyms and abbreviations, such as D/s for Dom/sub. Some extend this to honorifics and capitalization: for example, Master Rob's slave linda may refer to him as Sir and herself as i (or as "this slave", restricted from referring to themselves in the first person). Others are highly dismissive of this "slashy speak."

In addition, high protocol refers to groups or individuals that adhere to strict roles and role-based rules of conduct, whereas low protocol refers to groups or individuals that are more relaxed. Old Guard now usually refers to high protocol groups, particularly gay leather BDSM groups; people who use this phrase may be romanticizing a perception of leather history.

From Wikipedia,

According to the mythological story, a slut is a downtrodden woman who by nature or by circumstances is propelled to debase her body in sexual desires. And so the story goes: these sexual desires control her and her behavior is based on sexual impulses with no thought to consequences or ethics. A slut cannot take her place in a rational society, relegated to a shadowy existence because no decent man, woman, or child would or could relate to a woman who cannot control her sexual desires.

A slut is always a rejected woman who no man would acknowledge as being in a relationship with her. A slut has given up on her own mortality and therefore has no right to insist on kindness, respect or love. She cannot be redeemed; her broken spirit must accept this invisible deformity that manifests itself by an insatiable desire for sexual activity. She is a glutton for sex.

The myth instructs our young women who blossom with joy and excitement as their first sexual feelings begin to surface….control your feelings or you could become a slut. Adolescent girls that become school sluts are reviled by their peers because they like sex. So the hidden slut emerges in adolescence. Girls and boys who suppress their powerful sexual desires and will eventually lose touch with that part of themselves.

The hidden slut becomes the unknown part of the self and yet remains to propel and motivate the slut as he or she matures and experiences life with all its joys, disappointments, and pain. The slut makes incorrect choices and learns to live without sexual passion and release. The slut is locked in the soul and may remain hidden throughout one’s life.

BDSM offers a key to unlock the slutty soul. Our sluts are people who mature to a level of sexual freedom with dignity and ethics. Sexual feelings find expression instead of suppression. The body, mind and soul find comfort in sexual intimacy that flows to and from their partners. The slut is not confined by gender, age, or experience. A slut is giving, using his or her sexual energy to satisfy their partners and bring pleasure to those who embrace sluttiness as a virtue. To be called a slut is a compliment in the BDSM world. A slut is a giver who enjoys releasing sexual passion for the fulfillment and pleasure of others who can reciprocate in the exchange of intimacy in either BDSM or vanilla play.

A slut is dominant or submissive with the overwhelming desire to experience oneness with another by joining bodies in sexual play. A slut can achieve self-actualization in the scene by embracing his or her true nature for the mutual benefit of partners. Play reaches a spiritual level as emotional doors are opened, seen, and embraced instead of feared as the myth would have us believe.

Joy, release, and contentment flow through other aspects of life among family, friends, and the work environment because the slut knows where he or she belongs. BDSM offers a profound acceptance of the self through the expression of sexual passion that in turn enriches ones entire life and future experiences and decisions.

Slut M is a submissive who entered the scene in July 2008 by receiving her first spanking from her Dominant. She and her Dominant have been pursuing an M/s relationship since then and expect to fully achieve this status in the future. Otherwise, she is single-parent raising 2 teens and working.

Written by Guest Author

I am SexyLuv1 a 60-year-old black man; have been in the lifestyle seems like forever. I started in my early twenties with my first wife as swingers. We both enjoyed all the sex and excitement and adventure. We would sometimes run into new couples where the wife was afraid so my wife Fran and I would start to have sex in front of the couple just to watch their reaction.

We would start to kiss and fondle one another’s hands roaming all over each other. I would open her blouse and start to play with her great tits. Fran was a beautiful black woman with great breasts and an ass to die for. She was about 5’8″ 130 lbs of solid fuck me, black woman.

By now the couple is squirming in their seats as I slowly take off Fran’s top and bra, and now sucking on her naked breasts every once in a while we would look at the couple delighting in their discomfort, knowing how hot we were making them as I licked and sucked down Fran’s body.

I put my hand under her skirt and start to play with her pussy as she is kissing down my chest. At twenty 24 I was in great shape, 6′ 180 lbs of male with an I will break my dick off in your type body so we knew we were a good looking couple and of course we love to fuck. As I turned Fran’s legs so the couple could watch me, as I started to finger fuck her slow and easy Fran opened her legs to give the couple a good view.

She unzipped my pants and pulled out my fat 8.5-inch dick and we watch as the couple squeezed each other. I then bunched Fran’s skirt around her waist and removed her panties. She in turn opened the button on my pants so she could have full access to my dick. I licked down her belly to the top of her hairy cunt. By now she was moaning in pleasure and her juices were covering my fingers the smell of pussy was in the air.

I got down between her legs and started to eat that hot wet pussy knowing we were putting on a show that was driving the other couple crazy with lust as Fran squirmed and moaned. She grabbed my head and pushed her pussy hard against my face as she came one of many times that night. Fran pushed my pants to the floor and started to suck my dick like she couldn’t get enough. Every once in a while she would pull it out of her mouth and hold it in her hand on display for our audience to see as I became hard as a rock.

I got down between her legs and started to eat that hot wet pussy knowing we were putting on a show that was driving the other couple crazy with lust as Fran squirmed and moaned. She grabbed my head and pushed her pussy hard against my face as she came one of many times that night. Fran pushed my pants to the floor and started to suck my dick like she couldn’t get enough. Every once in a while she would pull it out of her mouth and hold it in her hand on display for our audience to see as I became hard as a rock. Fran called him over, looking back at his wife he slowly came to her. 

Fran took his throbbing dick out and brought it to her lips. I thought I was going to peel him off the ceiling once she closed her lips around it. There we were me fucking her pussy him in her mouth and his wife sitting all alone with her pussy on fire. This was done on purpose. She needed to learn what a hot wife was really about. As her husband started to cum we all did, and as we came back to our senses, I asked the husband if he would like to fuck Fran. A big grin crossed his face until he looked at his wife who had a hell no look on her face. So we dressed and left knowing tonight she wants all that dick for her hot pussy.

Just so you know they called us a day later and asked if we would fuck them. Of course, we said yes and they became one of our best friends and I spent many hours fucking and sucking her hot wet pussy.

I enjoy watching my women being fucked by other men. Yes, it’s a turn on for me, it gives me the opportunity to study her body and expressions of passion. One mistake women make when they see men get hard when seeing other men fuck them is they think their men like it. Most of us do but some don’t. Men are visual, that is why we get so turned on watching two women fucking. We might hate it but if we watch it we will get a hard-on.

So that is how it began for me. But, Fran and I divorced after 14 years. I became a single black bull. This is where my dilemma begins.

With the couples I bull with, most want me to be dominant which is easy because I am. Others want a nice guy they can share the wife with. When I share I want a nice guy to fuck my woman. I am allowing you to fuck the pussy. I control the pussy, not you.

The difference is when I bull  I know it may sound ridiculous, but part of cuckolding is surrendering to a black bull – giving up control to a force of nature. When I fuck, I want to pound the pussy into complete submission, to fuck her like the married white slut she wants to be, to make her come rather than helping her come. I want her to know that when I am fucking her I just own her body and can use it any way I want.

I am not borrowing a white wife for a bit of fun, I am taking her, fucking the hell out of her, and converting her into a black cock slut wife.

Over the course of many years, I have had a few women who played with me as my woman and I shared every one of them but most of the time I was alone black bull. As a single bull, I have done many things: I have fucked wives, girlfriends, couples, and sissy cuckolds of course. Some of the men wanted to suck my dick which was OK by me. 

Until a few years ago, unless you were part of the BDSM community, submissive was just a word. 

You’d probably have thought that submissive meant meek, respectful, compliant, and passive. And then 50 Shades of Grey arrived and the word took on a whole new meaning.

These days, the sexual side of the word ‘submissive’ means something else. It’s a descriptive word for a role that some people like to take during sex, role play, or within their kinky relationship.

The submissive partner can be either the male or the female. It’s also possible for people to take it in turns to be the submissive one, which is known as ‘switching’. Being submissive can be limited to during sex when the submissive partner might be on the receiving end of masochism, bondage or other forms of domination.

However, some submissive don’t limit their submission to within the bedroom and will be a ‘lifestyle’ submissive. A lifestyle submissive has sets of rules between themselves and their partners which govern their relationship.

It might be small things such as calling your partner a term like ‘sir’ or ‘master’, it could be doing domestic labor, or it could involve spending large amounts of time naked in a cage.

Every submissive and dominant relationship is different and has different levels of intensity and different rules. It is more common to keep the dominant and submissive roles to the bedroom (or to specific periods of time) rather than living the lifestyle 24/7, as it can be difficult to sustain a relationship with an inherent imbalance, especially if you have a family.

It can be hard to understand why another person wants to be submissive if that’s not something you’re personally interested in. It’s important to try to understand and not to judge. As we have written before, there is a real difference between kinky and abusive. That difference is active consent. Submissive relationships only work when they are based around consent. If you’re worried that a relationship has become toxic or dangerous, you should contact Relate or the National Domestic Violence hotline.

Rebecca Reid

Many years ago, I met a girl online who lived in Southern California. After some days of chatting online, she lobbied me for a phone call. We spoke for five hours. That began what you might call on phone dating, a daily mix of friendly and sexy IM exchanges, and phone conversations. This gal was unusually smart, charming, talented, and apparently really kinky. And she had some challenging, though not uncommon, emotional issues, which I didn't recognize right away. Or perhaps I was willfully blind to them. At that time, both my social and professional lives were, well, a bit comatose. I saw her as a lifeline.

A pattern developed between us. I felt that we belonged together, so I would try to pull her in closer. She had her doubts and would become grumpy or withdrawn. I would feel rejected and protest her resistance. She would dig in further. We liked each other, and we had lovely moments on occasion, so somehow we kept recovering enough from these spirals that we continued to perform them for a year and a half. I could see our dysfunctional dance, but I couldn't find a pathway out of it. That was maddening, as I like to imagine that if you can see it, you can solve it.

Over time, as my professional prospects revived, I regained some faith in myself. I began to see our inevitable entanglements as absurd. Her grumpy refusals at my offerings of intimacy were comical. I started laughing at them, out loud, sincerely. And voilà, that broke the spell; once I was laughing, she couldn't help but laugh too. I also stopped insisting that she was the perfect girl for me. I'm happy to say that we remain good friends.

Everyone has emotional vulnerabilities, weaknesses. Almost any time an event provokes a sudden, strong emotional response in you — anger, sadness, withdrawal, self-loathing, confusion, helplessness — the most likely culprit is one of these cracks in your psyche. The present situation or conversation has simply driven you into that fissure, triggering a response that's disproportionate to the moment.

But suppose an acquaintance insults you? Wouldn't anger or withdrawal be an appropriate response? No, a non-triggered response to that kind of random offense is bemusement or skepticism. He's probably having a hard day; it's him that's off, not you.

Emotional weaknesses and the responses that accompany them are typically formed in childhood when we're all naturally vulnerable because our boundaries and understanding of people are still forming. But they can develop later in life, given repeated hard experiences. Digging into the past to discover the roots of your emotional issues may be helpful, or it may not. The key to managing them is gaining self-awareness and learning good coping behaviors. Once you stop rehearsing them, they will naturally become less poignant with time.

Emotional issues can do serious damage to otherwise healthy relationships. When triggered, you stop thinking clearly, and may assign the current situation or loved one full blame for the strength of your hard feelings. Most lovers don't take this too well; disproportionate reactions are rattling, and being blamed for them is frustrating. The damage is even worse when one partner's reaction triggers an issue within the other, whose subsequent emotional response then re-triggers the first one. Such interlocking issues cause a kind of death spiral that's difficult to escape. Issue interlock is, in my view, the single most common killer of good relationships.

As I recounted above, it is possible to break through issue interlock. The key skill, which anyone can learn, but is surprisingly rare, is strong emotional boundaries — knowing where your own psyche stops and another's begins. You should assume that anyone's reactions, especially strong reactions, are about what's going on in their own head, not between the two of you. If you can remember that when your partner falls down, they're less likely to pull you over as well.

D/s relationships thrive on the exceptional, magical connection that forms between dom and sub, and the altered states that this bond allows them to venture into. When emotional issues are triggered for one or both of them, it can impinge on their D/s dynamic. If their leader and follower roles desert them, suddenly they're facing each other like egalitarian acquaintances, just when one most needs the other's support. The simplest means to stop a damaging interaction is for either partner to speak their safeword (or simply say "safeword"). Then stop talking; focus on your breathing. Then ask yourself what you have been doing to contribute to the discord. Then admit that to your partner, and ask their forgiveness. It's wise to wait a while before attempting to discuss that particular emotional vulnerability with them.

It is essential that you develop self-awareness of your issues—what triggers them and how you react. Know that it will take time and determination to do so. It's also important that as you gain awareness, you brief your partner on your vulnerabilities. An observant partner will tend to figure them out ahead of you and can try to steer you around or out of them, which helps in developing your own awareness. And it's crucial to learn to notice when you've fallen into one of your emotional fissures and to remind yourself that you're not thinking clearly and that whoever is in front of you at that moment is not the cause of your pain.

by Will

It is easy to get wrapped up in the ups and downs of emotionally abusive relationships. Victims too often miss the signs of emotional abuse, even though they are always there. 

 How to Stop Being Victimized

Most abusers have effectively learned how to bounce between attacking and retreating, keeping their victims off balance; undermining and lowering their self-esteem

Because the abuser suffers from internal discomfort and conflicts they don’t know how to address, no amount of logic, submissiveness or kindness will be enough to compensate or satisfy their insecurities.

They are not seeking to understand or respect others because they do not fully understand or respect themselves. They hide from their own weaknesses by trying to make others weak. They can’t control their own emotions, so they look to control others. While they may have positive qualities, they hold toxic and unrealistic expectations that cannot be met. Those who try to meet these expectations will end up feeling like a failure because it is a game they cannot win.

For those who are abused, it is important to remember, the abuse received seldom has anything to do with them. The actions of the abuser are not their fault. One of the hardest things to realize is one has little to no influence on making deep or lasting changes in the abuser.

Even if the abusers want to change, they seldom want to put any real effort towards changing. Victims of emotional abuse often think otherwise. They stick around hoping they can fix things and often end up blaming themselves for the state of the relationship.

Signs of Emotional Abuse

Abusers will tend to:

Tell lies and half-truths to avoid having to explain their actions.

Accuse and blame to divert attention away from themselves.

Refuse to accept the perspective of others while irrationally defending their own positions.

Withhold information in areas affecting the lives of those they are abusing – it gives them the control to manipulate future events.

 
Avoid acknowledging the feelings of others, while at the same time bringing up how their emotions are being affected.

Slight or take digs in a non-aggressive or joking manner, allowing the abuser to say he was just kidding while still being abusive.

Change the subject to divert attention from themselves.

Make others feel worthless in an attempt to lower their self-esteem and bring them down to the level of the abuser.

Threaten or hint of physical, mental, or sexual abuse.

Deny anything is wrong (not being responsible and lying to self).

Show inappropriate emotional outbursts (a form of distracting attention, confusing the abused or shifting blame).

Use controlling and domineering tactics to limit freedom of expression.

Forget commitments and promises.

Deny success by placing unreasonable demands, unjustly singling out, or constantly placing someone in the category of a loser.

Take advantage of vulnerabilities using shame, guilt, or fear.

Have actions and promises which are out of alignment. They say one thing and do another.

Only be nice when all other options have been removed, when they feel they are trapped or cornered.

Cut someone off so they are not allowed to speak. Suppressing self-expression.

Look to eliminate the choices of others, while gathering control for themselves.

Ask inappropriate questions or make insinuating comments to evoke emotional responses.

Humiliate others in public situations to show their superiority.

Keep pushing buttons and activating places of sensitivity.

Pretend to understand concerns and then disregarding them.

Slander the name, reputation, associations, or activities of those they can’t control.

The Long Term Effects of Abuse and Stress Ruin Lives

The long term cumulative effects of abuse are often difficult to quantify. Many victims successfully suppress or try and forget unwanted and painful memories. For them, the past becomes difficult to access or memory gaps exist. Others have feelings of detachment or isolation; their self-worth and self-esteem are lowered.

Unresolved feelings from past abuse can eventually contribute to emotional problems and disorders, including anxiety, panic attacks, stress, depression, and OCD.

Stress has been credited for up to 75% of all hospital stays. Studies have shown those who have not come to terms with past abuse, especially abuse suffered in childhood, have a harder time dealing with stressful situations later in life. As life progresses, situations associated with past abuse become more difficult to handle.

Understanding emotional and mental abuse is one thing. Effectively releasing the pain and emotions.attached to abuse is something completely different.

Suffering is Not Mandatory

Many don’t know the signs of emotional abuse, so they blame themselves for the failed relationship. Others don’t know how to let go of painful memories and some don’t want to forget.

Replaying scenarios over and over will only have the mind reliving negative experiences again and again, only prolonging the suffering. Some carry these events for years, even their entire lives because they didn’t know how to release these events.

Abusive actions never support the well being of anyone. They breed negative emotions, depleting the body’s energy, clouding the clarity of thought, and hurt future relationships.

If you are in an abusive environment, the first step is to get out. That may be a scary thought and the options may seem limited. It is what the abuser wants you to believe, that you have no power. But you do and you must find it within yourself to take the first steps. Having a social worker or legal counsel to assist you, in the beginning, is usually a good idea.

Healing From Abusive Relationships and Experiences

Work with a professional who can help you sort things out, raise your self-esteem, and assist you to release old negative emotions. To let go you must take action and make the needed changes necessary to move on with your life. Abuse tends to impede how we process thoughts and emotions. It very often contributes to PTSD, anxiety, and OCD.

Since abuse can touch a person at the core of their mental and emotional abilities, it can be a sensitive subject to approach. 

If past events still trigger anger, frustration, fear, hurt, rejection, shame, guilt, or other negative emotions;  they have a hold on you. If you are constantly feeling these emotions, they have a hold on you. You can’t begin living life in a new way if any part of you holds on to the old ways. Everyone deserves the opportunity to allow themselves to change.

Before You Begin Recovery

First, recognize the signs of emotional abuse. The next step is to get out of the abusive relationship. This is common sense. It’s hard to let go of traumatic memories, raise self-confidence and self-esteem, and move forward with life again if someone is still holding you down. While it is not always easy to do, you have to decide it’s time to move on, to put your needs front and center.

Next, identify the emotions you experience from the abuse. Is it guilt, shame, hurt, rejection, sadness, or anger. Take inventory and get in touch with the emotions your nervous system has been signaling you with.

Then get some help. It can be difficult to sort these things out on your own. Find someone who can help you process and work though the discomforts of your situation. Someone who will also help you obtain skills, so in the future you will not find yourself in the same situation again.

Nothing changes unless you give yourself a chance to change. Raise your awareness by recognizing the signs of emotional abuse. Decide it’s time to be different and support yourself, your mental and emotional needs in a meaningful and willful manner.

Remember, long term emotional abuse can create all sorts of uncertainty, self-doubt, and self-esteem issues, so give yourself some time to heal. 

Grief and Sadness

Guilt and Shame

Hurt and Rejection

Anger and Frustration
 

Ageplaying involves treating the sub like they are a certain age, usually younger, anywhere from toddler to teenager.  As a result, the sub treats their Dom like their Daddy.  He takes on the paternal role of protector and caregiver and administers discipline and training when needed. 

The sub becomes his “little” and relies on him emotionally, physically, and even sexually and sometimes financially.

Ageplayers are NOT pedophiles.  The definition of pedophilia is having sexual feelings towards children.  A sub is not a child but is a consenting adult.  A Daddy Dom wants to be with HIS little girl, not little girls in general.

Why is the DDlg Relationship so Fulfilling for Ageplayers? It can be hard to explain this lifestyle or know what things to say to someone who doesn’t understand this kink. Basically, age playing and DDlg satisfy both individuals involved on many levels:

The Daddy DomUsually men are naturally attracted to youth and innocence, and having a little meets that need continuously. They will also have the satisfaction of having someone rely and dote on them, and counting on them to “fix it” when things get hard. 

Littles are constantly seeking the praise and attention of their Daddy and will do their best to please him.  When his baby girl disobeys rules, a Daddy Dom also gets the fulfillment of disciplining her in any way he desires, (and she has consented to).  She will also come to him with her sexual needs, as he knows how best to please her.

The little girl in a symbiotic way, what makes the Daddy happy fulfills the little’s needs and vice versa.  She will be made to feel eternally youthful and beautiful, and he will spoil her and cherish her.  Subs that choose this relationship are usually emotionally fragile at times, and having a supportive, paternal figure is very soothing.  Likewise, being told they’re a “good girl” makes sub ageplayers feel extremely content.  And obeying rules and knowing they’re making their Daddy happy gives them immense reassurance.

How to Incorporate AgeplayingNow that you know the real definition for ageplay and what both the Daddy Dom and little girl get out of it, here are some ideas for making it work:

Outfits, Clothing, and Other Ways to Look the PartThe Daddy Dom ultimately chooses the clothing his little girl wears, but short skirts, dresses, and having their hair in braids or pigtails is the usual protocol.  Schoolgirl outfits are very popular, and Brazilian waxes are a great way to get that look and feel for ageplaying.

Daddy Dominant Traits and Things to SayLittles should refer to their Dom as Daddy, and always ask them for permission, just like a dependent child would.  Daddy's need to call their littles by appropriate names like Baby Girl and conversations and lectures are more enjoyable when she’s told to sit on his lap.  Littles also usually require a softer approach when being dominated. 

Good Daddy Dominant traits are being nurtured, caring but strict, being a good listener, and supportive. 

 Here are some ideas for things to say:

“Be a good girl.”
“Behave.”
“Do you need a spanking?”
“I’m proud of you.”
“You’re too little to do that, let me help you.”
“Be careful.”
“Let me touch/see your princess parts.”
“Use your words.”
“Let’s have a cuddle time.”
“Don’t worry, I’ll make it all better.”

DDlg Rules, Little Space, and Other Ideas DDlg revolves around wanting to please and fearing disapproval, so rewards and punishments are vital.  Pats on the head and forehead kisses mean a lot, and spankings are usually a must.  Keeping the attitude of “Daddy knows best” will also deepen intimacy.  

Good rules for littles include a set bedtime, no swearing, and keeping their room clean. The definition of “Little Space” is a state of mind submissive ageplayers enter when they’re deeply feeling little.  Here are some ideas for age-appropriate activities to help a sub enter little space more easily:

Coloring
Reading stories together
Having a stuffie
Keeping a journal
Cuddling
Watching cartoons
Going on outings together
Using stickers

Ageplaying is a great way to mix childlike innocence with naughty sexual curiosity. Don’t listen to people who try to say that ageplay is wrong.  The DDlg lifestyle can become the basis for a healthy BDSM relationship, and bring even more happiness to both the Dom and his sub.