How To Be A Dom

According to the mythological story, a slut is a downtrodden woman who by nature or by circumstances is propelled to debase her body in sexual desires. And so the story goes: these sexual desires control her and her behavior is based on sexual impulses with no thought to consequences or ethics. A slut cannot take her place in a rational society, relegated to a shadowy existence because no decent man, woman, or child would or could relate to a woman who cannot control her sexual desires.

A slut is always a rejected woman who no man would acknowledge as being in a relationship with her. A slut has given up on her own mortality and therefore has no right to insist on kindness, respect or love. She cannot be redeemed; her broken spirit must accept this invisible deformity that manifests itself by an insatiable desire for sexual activity. She is a glutton for sex.

The myth instructs our young women who blossom with joy and excitement as their first sexual feelings begin to surface….control your feelings or you could become a slut. Adolescent girls that become school sluts are reviled by their peers because they like sex. So the hidden slut emerges in adolescence. Girls and boys who suppress their powerful sexual desires and will eventually lose touch with that part of themselves.

The hidden slut becomes the unknown part of the self and yet remains to propel and motivate the slut as he or she matures and experiences life with all its joys, disappointments, and pain. The slut makes incorrect choices and learns to live without sexual passion and release. The slut is locked in the soul and may remain hidden throughout one’s life.

BDSM offers a key to unlock the slutty soul. Our sluts are people who mature to a level of sexual freedom with dignity and ethics. Sexual feelings find expression instead of suppression. The body, mind and soul find comfort in sexual intimacy that flows to and from their partners. The slut is not confined by gender, age, or experience. A slut is giving, using his or her sexual energy to satisfy their partners and bring pleasure to those who embrace sluttiness as a virtue. To be called a slut is a compliment in the BDSM world. A slut is a giver who enjoys releasing sexual passion for the fulfillment and pleasure of others who can reciprocate in the exchange of intimacy in either BDSM or vanilla play.

A slut is dominant or submissive with the overwhelming desire to experience oneness with another by joining bodies in sexual play. A slut can achieve self-actualization in the scene by embracing his or her true nature for the mutual benefit of partners. Play reaches a spiritual level as emotional doors are opened, seen, and embraced instead of feared as the myth would have us believe.

Joy, release, and contentment flow through other aspects of life among family, friends, and the work environment because the slut knows where he or she belongs. BDSM offers a profound acceptance of the self through the expression of sexual passion that in turn enriches ones entire life and future experiences and decisions.

Slut M is a submissive who entered the scene in July 2008 by receiving her first spanking from her Dominant. She and her Dominant have been pursuing an M/s relationship since then and expect to fully achieve this status in the future. Otherwise, she is single-parent raising 2 teens and working.

Written by Guest Author

I am SexyLuv1 a 60-year-old black man; have been in the lifestyle seems like forever. I started in my early twenties with my first wife as swingers. We both enjoyed all the sex and excitement and adventure. We would sometimes run into new couples where the wife was afraid so my wife Fran and I would start to have sex in front of the couple just to watch their reaction.

We would start to kiss and fondle one another’s hands roaming all over each other. I would open her blouse and start to play with her great tits. Fran was a beautiful black woman with great breasts and an ass to die for. She was about 5’8″ 130 lbs of solid fuck me, black woman.

By now the couple is squirming in their seats as I slowly take off Fran’s top and bra, and now sucking on her naked breasts every once in a while we would look at the couple delighting in their discomfort, knowing how hot we were making them as I licked and sucked down Fran’s body.

I put my hand under her skirt and start to play with her pussy as she is kissing down my chest. At twenty 24 I was in great shape, 6′ 180 lbs of male with an I will break my dick off in your type body so we knew we were a good looking couple and of course we love to fuck. As I turned Fran’s legs so the couple could watch me, as I started to finger fuck her slow and easy Fran opened her legs to give the couple a good view.

She unzipped my pants and pulled out my fat 8.5-inch dick and we watch as the couple squeezed each other. I then bunched Fran’s skirt around her waist and removed her panties. She in turn opened the button on my pants so she could have full access to my dick. I licked down her belly to the top of her hairy cunt. By now she was moaning in pleasure and her juices were covering my fingers the smell of pussy was in the air.

I got down between her legs and started to eat that hot wet pussy knowing we were putting on a show that was driving the other couple crazy with lust as Fran squirmed and moaned. She grabbed my head and pushed her pussy hard against my face as she came one of many times that night. Fran pushed my pants to the floor and started to suck my dick like she couldn’t get enough. Every once in a while she would pull it out of her mouth and hold it in her hand on display for our audience to see as I became hard as a rock.

I got down between her legs and started to eat that hot wet pussy knowing we were putting on a show that was driving the other couple crazy with lust as Fran squirmed and moaned. She grabbed my head and pushed her pussy hard against my face as she came one of many times that night. Fran pushed my pants to the floor and started to suck my dick like she couldn’t get enough. Every once in a while she would pull it out of her mouth and hold it in her hand on display for our audience to see as I became hard as a rock. Fran called him over, looking back at his wife he slowly came to her. 

Fran took his throbbing dick out and brought it to her lips. I thought I was going to peel him off the ceiling once she closed her lips around it. There we were me fucking her pussy him in her mouth and his wife sitting all alone with her pussy on fire. This was done on purpose. She needed to learn what a hot wife was really about. As her husband started to cum we all did, and as we came back to our senses, I asked the husband if he would like to fuck Fran. A big grin crossed his face until he looked at his wife who had a hell no look on her face. So we dressed and left knowing tonight she wants all that dick for her hot pussy.

Just so you know they called us a day later and asked if we would fuck them. Of course, we said yes and they became one of our best friends and I spent many hours fucking and sucking her hot wet pussy.

I enjoy watching my women being fucked by other men. Yes, it’s a turn on for me, it gives me the opportunity to study her body and expressions of passion. One mistake women make when they see men get hard when seeing other men fuck them is they think their men like it. Most of us do but some don’t. Men are visual, that is why we get so turned on watching two women fucking. We might hate it but if we watch it we will get a hard-on.

So that is how it began for me. But, Fran and I divorced after 14 years. I became a single black bull. This is where my dilemma begins.

With the couples I bull with, most want me to be dominant which is easy because I am. Others want a nice guy they can share the wife with. When I share I want a nice guy to fuck my woman. I am allowing you to fuck the pussy. I control the pussy, not you.

The difference is when I bull  I know it may sound ridiculous, but part of cuckolding is surrendering to a black bull – giving up control to a force of nature. When I fuck, I want to pound the pussy into complete submission, to fuck her like the married white slut she wants to be, to make her come rather than helping her come. I want her to know that when I am fucking her I just own her body and can use it any way I want.

I am not borrowing a white wife for a bit of fun, I am taking her, fucking the hell out of her, and converting her into a black cock slut wife.

Over the course of many years, I have had a few women who played with me as my woman and I shared every one of them but most of the time I was alone black bull. As a single bull, I have done many things: I have fucked wives, girlfriends, couples, and sissy cuckolds of course. Some of the men wanted to suck my dick which was OK by me. 

Until a few years ago, unless you were part of the BDSM community, submissive was just a word. 

You’d probably have thought that submissive meant meek, respectful, compliant, and passive. And then 50 Shades of Grey arrived and the word took on a whole new meaning.

These days, the sexual side of the word ‘submissive’ means something else. It’s a descriptive word for a role that some people like to take during sex, role play, or within their kinky relationship.

The submissive partner can be either the male or the female. It’s also possible for people to take it in turns to be the submissive one, which is known as ‘switching’. Being submissive can be limited to during sex when the submissive partner might be on the receiving end of masochism, bondage or other forms of domination.

However, some submissive don’t limit their submission to within the bedroom and will be a ‘lifestyle’ submissive. A lifestyle submissive has sets of rules between themselves and their partners which govern their relationship.

It might be small things such as calling your partner a term like ‘sir’ or ‘master’, it could be doing domestic labor, or it could involve spending large amounts of time naked in a cage.

Every submissive and dominant relationship is different and has different levels of intensity and different rules. It is more common to keep the dominant and submissive roles to the bedroom (or to specific periods of time) rather than living the lifestyle 24/7, as it can be difficult to sustain a relationship with an inherent imbalance, especially if you have a family.

It can be hard to understand why another person wants to be submissive if that’s not something you’re personally interested in. It’s important to try to understand and not to judge. As we have written before, there is a real difference between kinky and abusive. That difference is active consent. Submissive relationships only work when they are based around consent. If you’re worried that a relationship has become toxic or dangerous, you should contact Relate or the National Domestic Violence hotline.

Rebecca Reid

Many years ago, I met a girl online who lived in Southern California. After some days of chatting online, she lobbied me for a phone call. We spoke for five hours. That began what you might call on phone dating, a daily mix of friendly and sexy IM exchanges, and phone conversations. This gal was unusually smart, charming, talented, and apparently really kinky. And she had some challenging, though not uncommon, emotional issues, which I didn't recognize right away. Or perhaps I was willfully blind to them. At that time, both my social and professional lives were, well, a bit comatose. I saw her as a lifeline.

A pattern developed between us. I felt that we belonged together, so I would try to pull her in closer. She had her doubts and would become grumpy or withdrawn. I would feel rejected and protest her resistance. She would dig in further. We liked each other, and we had lovely moments on occasion, so somehow we kept recovering enough from these spirals that we continued to perform them for a year and a half. I could see our dysfunctional dance, but I couldn't find a pathway out of it. That was maddening, as I like to imagine that if you can see it, you can solve it.

Over time, as my professional prospects revived, I regained some faith in myself. I began to see our inevitable entanglements as absurd. Her grumpy refusals at my offerings of intimacy were comical. I started laughing at them, out loud, sincerely. And voilà, that broke the spell; once I was laughing, she couldn't help but laugh too. I also stopped insisting that she was the perfect girl for me. I'm happy to say that we remain good friends.

Everyone has emotional vulnerabilities, weaknesses. Almost any time an event provokes a sudden, strong emotional response in you — anger, sadness, withdrawal, self-loathing, confusion, helplessness — the most likely culprit is one of these cracks in your psyche. The present situation or conversation has simply driven you into that fissure, triggering a response that's disproportionate to the moment.

But suppose an acquaintance insults you? Wouldn't anger or withdrawal be an appropriate response? No, a non-triggered response to that kind of random offense is bemusement or skepticism. He's probably having a hard day; it's him that's off, not you.

Emotional weaknesses and the responses that accompany them are typically formed in childhood when we're all naturally vulnerable because our boundaries and understanding of people are still forming. But they can develop later in life, given repeated hard experiences. Digging into the past to discover the roots of your emotional issues may be helpful, or it may not. The key to managing them is gaining self-awareness and learning good coping behaviors. Once you stop rehearsing them, they will naturally become less poignant with time.

Emotional issues can do serious damage to otherwise healthy relationships. When triggered, you stop thinking clearly, and may assign the current situation or loved one full blame for the strength of your hard feelings. Most lovers don't take this too well; disproportionate reactions are rattling, and being blamed for them is frustrating. The damage is even worse when one partner's reaction triggers an issue within the other, whose subsequent emotional response then re-triggers the first one. Such interlocking issues cause a kind of death spiral that's difficult to escape. Issue interlock is, in my view, the single most common killer of good relationships.

As I recounted above, it is possible to break through issue interlock. The key skill, which anyone can learn, but is surprisingly rare, is strong emotional boundaries — knowing where your own psyche stops and another's begins. You should assume that anyone's reactions, especially strong reactions, are about what's going on in their own head, not between the two of you. If you can remember that when your partner falls down, they're less likely to pull you over as well.

D/s relationships thrive on the exceptional, magical connection that forms between dom and sub, and the altered states that this bond allows them to venture into. When emotional issues are triggered for one or both of them, it can impinge on their D/s dynamic. If their leader and follower roles desert them, suddenly they're facing each other like egalitarian acquaintances, just when one most needs the other's support. The simplest means to stop a damaging interaction is for either partner to speak their safeword (or simply say "safeword"). Then stop talking; focus on your breathing. Then ask yourself what you have been doing to contribute to the discord. Then admit that to your partner, and ask their forgiveness. It's wise to wait a while before attempting to discuss that particular emotional vulnerability with them.

It is essential that you develop self-awareness of your issues—what triggers them and how you react. Know that it will take time and determination to do so. It's also important that as you gain awareness, you brief your partner on your vulnerabilities. An observant partner will tend to figure them out ahead of you and can try to steer you around or out of them, which helps in developing your own awareness. And it's crucial to learn to notice when you've fallen into one of your emotional fissures and to remind yourself that you're not thinking clearly and that whoever is in front of you at that moment is not the cause of your pain.

by Will

It is easy to get wrapped up in the ups and downs of emotionally abusive relationships. Victims too often miss the signs of emotional abuse, even though they are always there. 

 How to Stop Being Victimized

Most abusers have effectively learned how to bounce between attacking and retreating, keeping their victims off balance; undermining and lowering their self-esteem

Because the abuser suffers from internal discomfort and conflicts they don’t know how to address, no amount of logic, submissiveness or kindness will be enough to compensate or satisfy their insecurities.

They are not seeking to understand or respect others because they do not fully understand or respect themselves. They hide from their own weaknesses by trying to make others weak. They can’t control their own emotions, so they look to control others. While they may have positive qualities, they hold toxic and unrealistic expectations that cannot be met. Those who try to meet these expectations will end up feeling like a failure because it is a game they cannot win.

For those who are abused, it is important to remember, the abuse received seldom has anything to do with them. The actions of the abuser are not their fault. One of the hardest things to realize is one has little to no influence on making deep or lasting changes in the abuser.

Even if the abusers want to change, they seldom want to put any real effort towards changing. Victims of emotional abuse often think otherwise. They stick around hoping they can fix things and often end up blaming themselves for the state of the relationship.

Signs of Emotional Abuse

Abusers will tend to:

Tell lies and half-truths to avoid having to explain their actions.

Accuse and blame to divert attention away from themselves.

Refuse to accept the perspective of others while irrationally defending their own positions.

Withhold information in areas affecting the lives of those they are abusing – it gives them the control to manipulate future events.

 
Avoid acknowledging the feelings of others, while at the same time bringing up how their emotions are being affected.

Slight or take digs in a non-aggressive or joking manner, allowing the abuser to say he was just kidding while still being abusive.

Change the subject to divert attention from themselves.

Make others feel worthless in an attempt to lower their self-esteem and bring them down to the level of the abuser.

Threaten or hint of physical, mental, or sexual abuse.

Deny anything is wrong (not being responsible and lying to self).

Show inappropriate emotional outbursts (a form of distracting attention, confusing the abused or shifting blame).

Use controlling and domineering tactics to limit freedom of expression.

Forget commitments and promises.

Deny success by placing unreasonable demands, unjustly singling out, or constantly placing someone in the category of a loser.

Take advantage of vulnerabilities using shame, guilt, or fear.

Have actions and promises which are out of alignment. They say one thing and do another.

Only be nice when all other options have been removed, when they feel they are trapped or cornered.

Cut someone off so they are not allowed to speak. Suppressing self-expression.

Look to eliminate the choices of others, while gathering control for themselves.

Ask inappropriate questions or make insinuating comments to evoke emotional responses.

Humiliate others in public situations to show their superiority.

Keep pushing buttons and activating places of sensitivity.

Pretend to understand concerns and then disregarding them.

Slander the name, reputation, associations, or activities of those they can’t control.

The Long Term Effects of Abuse and Stress Ruin Lives

The long term cumulative effects of abuse are often difficult to quantify. Many victims successfully suppress or try and forget unwanted and painful memories. For them, the past becomes difficult to access or memory gaps exist. Others have feelings of detachment or isolation; their self-worth and self-esteem are lowered.

Unresolved feelings from past abuse can eventually contribute to emotional problems and disorders, including anxiety, panic attacks, stress, depression, and OCD.

Stress has been credited for up to 75% of all hospital stays. Studies have shown those who have not come to terms with past abuse, especially abuse suffered in childhood, have a harder time dealing with stressful situations later in life. As life progresses, situations associated with past abuse become more difficult to handle.

Understanding emotional and mental abuse is one thing. Effectively releasing the pain and emotions.attached to abuse is something completely different.

Suffering is Not Mandatory

Many don’t know the signs of emotional abuse, so they blame themselves for the failed relationship. Others don’t know how to let go of painful memories and some don’t want to forget.

Replaying scenarios over and over will only have the mind reliving negative experiences again and again, only prolonging the suffering. Some carry these events for years, even their entire lives because they didn’t know how to release these events.

Abusive actions never support the well being of anyone. They breed negative emotions, depleting the body’s energy, clouding the clarity of thought, and hurt future relationships.

If you are in an abusive environment, the first step is to get out. That may be a scary thought and the options may seem limited. It is what the abuser wants you to believe, that you have no power. But you do and you must find it within yourself to take the first steps. Having a social worker or legal counsel to assist you, in the beginning, is usually a good idea.

Healing From Abusive Relationships and Experiences

Work with a professional who can help you sort things out, raise your self-esteem, and assist you to release old negative emotions. To let go you must take action and make the needed changes necessary to move on with your life. Abuse tends to impede how we process thoughts and emotions. It very often contributes to PTSD, anxiety, and OCD.

Since abuse can touch a person at the core of their mental and emotional abilities, it can be a sensitive subject to approach. 

If past events still trigger anger, frustration, fear, hurt, rejection, shame, guilt, or other negative emotions;  they have a hold on you. If you are constantly feeling these emotions, they have a hold on you. You can’t begin living life in a new way if any part of you holds on to the old ways. Everyone deserves the opportunity to allow themselves to change.

Before You Begin Recovery

First, recognize the signs of emotional abuse. The next step is to get out of the abusive relationship. This is common sense. It’s hard to let go of traumatic memories, raise self-confidence and self-esteem, and move forward with life again if someone is still holding you down. While it is not always easy to do, you have to decide it’s time to move on, to put your needs front and center.

Next, identify the emotions you experience from the abuse. Is it guilt, shame, hurt, rejection, sadness, or anger. Take inventory and get in touch with the emotions your nervous system has been signaling you with.

Then get some help. It can be difficult to sort these things out on your own. Find someone who can help you process and work though the discomforts of your situation. Someone who will also help you obtain skills, so in the future you will not find yourself in the same situation again.

Nothing changes unless you give yourself a chance to change. Raise your awareness by recognizing the signs of emotional abuse. Decide it’s time to be different and support yourself, your mental and emotional needs in a meaningful and willful manner.

Remember, long term emotional abuse can create all sorts of uncertainty, self-doubt, and self-esteem issues, so give yourself some time to heal. 

Grief and Sadness

Guilt and Shame

Hurt and Rejection

Anger and Frustration
 

Ageplaying involves treating the sub like they are a certain age, usually younger, anywhere from toddler to teenager.  As a result, the sub treats their Dom like their Daddy.  He takes on the paternal role of protector and caregiver and administers discipline and training when needed. 

The sub becomes his “little” and relies on him emotionally, physically, and even sexually and sometimes financially.

Ageplayers are NOT pedophiles.  The definition of pedophilia is having sexual feelings towards children.  A sub is not a child but is a consenting adult.  A Daddy Dom wants to be with HIS little girl, not little girls in general.

Why is the DDlg Relationship so Fulfilling for Ageplayers? It can be hard to explain this lifestyle or know what things to say to someone who doesn’t understand this kink. Basically, age playing and DDlg satisfy both individuals involved on many levels:

The Daddy DomUsually men are naturally attracted to youth and innocence, and having a little meets that need continuously. They will also have the satisfaction of having someone rely and dote on them, and counting on them to “fix it” when things get hard. 

Littles are constantly seeking the praise and attention of their Daddy and will do their best to please him.  When his baby girl disobeys rules, a Daddy Dom also gets the fulfillment of disciplining her in any way he desires, (and she has consented to).  She will also come to him with her sexual needs, as he knows how best to please her.

The little girl in a symbiotic way, what makes the Daddy happy fulfills the little’s needs and vice versa.  She will be made to feel eternally youthful and beautiful, and he will spoil her and cherish her.  Subs that choose this relationship are usually emotionally fragile at times, and having a supportive, paternal figure is very soothing.  Likewise, being told they’re a “good girl” makes sub ageplayers feel extremely content.  And obeying rules and knowing they’re making their Daddy happy gives them immense reassurance.

How to Incorporate AgeplayingNow that you know the real definition for ageplay and what both the Daddy Dom and little girl get out of it, here are some ideas for making it work:

Outfits, Clothing, and Other Ways to Look the PartThe Daddy Dom ultimately chooses the clothing his little girl wears, but short skirts, dresses, and having their hair in braids or pigtails is the usual protocol.  Schoolgirl outfits are very popular, and Brazilian waxes are a great way to get that look and feel for ageplaying.

Daddy Dominant Traits and Things to SayLittles should refer to their Dom as Daddy, and always ask them for permission, just like a dependent child would.  Daddy's need to call their littles by appropriate names like Baby Girl and conversations and lectures are more enjoyable when she’s told to sit on his lap.  Littles also usually require a softer approach when being dominated. 

Good Daddy Dominant traits are being nurtured, caring but strict, being a good listener, and supportive. 

 Here are some ideas for things to say:

“Be a good girl.”
“Behave.”
“Do you need a spanking?”
“I’m proud of you.”
“You’re too little to do that, let me help you.”
“Be careful.”
“Let me touch/see your princess parts.”
“Use your words.”
“Let’s have a cuddle time.”
“Don’t worry, I’ll make it all better.”

DDlg Rules, Little Space, and Other Ideas DDlg revolves around wanting to please and fearing disapproval, so rewards and punishments are vital.  Pats on the head and forehead kisses mean a lot, and spankings are usually a must.  Keeping the attitude of “Daddy knows best” will also deepen intimacy.  

Good rules for littles include a set bedtime, no swearing, and keeping their room clean. The definition of “Little Space” is a state of mind submissive ageplayers enter when they’re deeply feeling little.  Here are some ideas for age-appropriate activities to help a sub enter little space more easily:

Coloring
Reading stories together
Having a stuffie
Keeping a journal
Cuddling
Watching cartoons
Going on outings together
Using stickers

Ageplaying is a great way to mix childlike innocence with naughty sexual curiosity. Don’t listen to people who try to say that ageplay is wrong.  The DDlg lifestyle can become the basis for a healthy BDSM relationship, and bring even more happiness to both the Dom and his sub. 

As a Dom who had one sub for 17 years and now she has gone. It leaves a big hole in my heart we didn't scene or go to events but we played she was my slut, my whore the love of my life.

As I try to get back out in the community I find things have changed it seems there are so many false Doms and subs that want to top from the bottom.

I feel that fifty shade of gray was such a false portrayal of this beautiful lifestyle it seems like all the fake Doms are in it for the sex and leave many of their subs broken and untrusting. 

As for the subs they jump in without knowing the Dom they picked and end up hurt and confused.

I am an ole school Dom I don't want to be called Sir until I have earned it. I don't want to have sex with you until I have feelings for you. 

What I want is a friend I want to date you and get to know you as a person what are your hopes and dreams are, I want a long term relationship what do you want?

Tell me why are you interested in the lifestyle what dynamic interest you what do you want to learn?

Do you understand the power you give me and my responsibility to care for and to protect you?  

Yes, I know what I seek and so far have not been able to find a sub, a slut, a whore, and the love of my life there is more much more but we will walk that road together. Oh by the way I love to spank that ass.

My feeling of dominance is not about forcing people to do things. There is no joy in exerting power over people per se. The joy is what they do for you because they do obey. I do not purposely humiliate or intimidate people to do what I say, but rather expect them to obey me of their own free will. It's about them respecting my position of power and willingly giving themselves to me for my pleasure. I know they are also coming to me to fulfill their fantasies and to have their pleasures, but everything in our meeting is center on them serving and pleasing me.

When I speak with a new sub for the first time I ask her if they are willing to do as I say, and if she agrees to serve me as I wish, then I continue the discussion. I have never had to reprimand or remind a sub that they said they would obey me. They just willingly submit to me, and all of us enjoy a great amount of pleasure.

1) She Must Be Pretty
2) She Must Be Sweet
3) Sluts willing to be my personal slut and fuck men or woman for my pleasure, she will be my slut I will share with others
4) She Must Be Young 25-60 and look good have a tight body
5) She Must Be Honest
6) She Must Be Ready to Assume My Leadership
7) She Must Be Willing To Cook And Clean if asked  

The term ‘Acid Test’ is an old prospecting term. A powerful acid can dissolve most base metals in a matter of minutes. However, gold will stand up to most acids. So the ‘Acid Test’ was an easy way for people to make sure they had a real nugget of gold and not a lump of the ‘fool’s’ variety. In the same way, these tests are meant to be quick ways to identify fake Doms. Passing all these tests is no guarantee either, there is no replacement for getting to know your prospective partner as well as possible before you even meet in person.

Now most of these tests are designed in mind for a submissive female trying to sort through men claiming to be Doms online. They are largely based on the many questions I get asked by my female friends still searching for a Dominant partner. Some of them can probably be used by male subs as well, but for the most part, these tests are best for ferreting out male fakes. Vanilla males are usually after ‘easy sex’ and this motive makes them easier to identify than a lot of the fake Dommes out there.

__Step One: Do the Math__

Various estimates and surveys have placed the ratio of real (i.e. natural) male sexual Dominants to female sexual submissives at about one to ten. However, a quick count in any given BDSM oriented chat room would lead you to believe that male Doms outnumber the subs at about two to one. Now if there is actually only one male Dom for every ten female subs, that means that 19 out of the 20 “Doms” you see online have to be fakes. Keep this in mind. There is a 95% chance that any man you talk to online claiming to be a Dom is no such thing. This leads us to our first rule, a rule that all statisticians and scientists already know by heart: “When in doubt, throw it out!”

Your search for a suitable Dominant partner (especially if you are seeking a serious long-term relationship as well) could easily take years. That’s hardly surprising, most people spend years looking for that special lover, be they ‘vanilla’ or otherwise. So don’t be disheartened by all these drastic ratios. But don’t waste your time either. If any of the prospects you are chatting with online makes you feel uncomfortable for any reason, drop him. Don’t give him ‘three strikes’ or ‘extra chances to win.’ Block out his screen-name and move on. There was only a one in twenty chance he was legitimate anyway. Trust your instincts!

__Step Two: Know Your Enemy__

We call them Snerts. We call them HNG’s (Horny Net Geeks). We call them Wannabes. We call them Control Freaks. And sometimes, tragically, we even find some that can only be called rapists and predators. They are all your enemies. Don’t bother thinking they are anything less. Even a more or less well-meaning Snert can land you in a hospital. Real BDSM is not for dilettantes or amateurs: Not, no, and never! Even if he turns out to be a more or less nice guy, if he’s not a Dom, he’s not going to give you what you really need. He will likely give you many things you don’t need, like medical bills and other assorted headaches.

Snerts are basically looking for easy sex. They are counting on the (highly inaccurate) assumption that sexual submissives are simply sexually promiscuous. Nothing could be farther from the truth, but that doesn’t deter them at all. They are typically middle-aged to somewhat older men. They are often married. They are usually trying to bolster their flagging vanilla sex lives with some casual screwing around. They target submissives because they think that they won't make demands on their sexual prowess (another bad assumption). They can be easily spotted because they almost always demand or at least emphasize sexual intercourse being a part of their ‘scenes.’

HNG’s are usually the most harmless (and yet often the most annoying) of the enemy types. Most are teenagers and young men looking for some quick cyber-sex or even phone-sex. They are usually pretty sophisticated about their BDSM jargon and the ‘scenes’ they describe to you can be pretty elaborate. Geeks do their homework. They scour the porno sites for ideas and hang out in BDSM chats for hours on end learning the lingo. They are most easily spotted because they want to move on to cyber-sex and phone sex very quickly. They like to offer online collars, and spend hours on end in chat rooms ‘playing’ with their ‘subbies.’ Don’t waste your time with them.

The second most dangerous type of enemy is the Control Freak. Control freaks are what most psychologists and therapists call ‘controlling personalities.’ They are basically obsessed with control of everything around them, especially the people in their lives. They want all their family, friends, and even coworkers to behave exactly as they say. They are extremely manipulative people. These men can be dangerous because many really have convinced themselves that they are Dominants as a way to justify their dysfunctional lives. Many inexperienced submissives find themselves ‘naturally’ attracted to these men because outwardly they seem so ‘in command’ of things all the time. The truly ironic (and sad) thing is, a controlling personality is actually the closest thing to the opposite of a sexual Dominant.

Controls Freaks can be spotted because they often talk about ‘taking care of you’ and also ‘knowing what’s best for you.’ They almost always try to play on your emotions; especially guilt. They also usually criticize and even resent the advice you get from other people. They often talk about 24/7 BDSM relationships without going into any details about what kind of actual scenes they play. They are fond of telling you that they prefer the ‘mental aspect’ of Domination and submission. They tend to be both demanding and argumentative. Nothing you do will ever be quite right. While all this may seem very repulsive and easy to avoid, be on your guard, the average control freak often seems very charming initially. Once they have their hooks into you its very hard to get untangled.

The last and most dangerous type of enemy is the rapist or predator. These are the men most likely to damage or even end your life. The truly frightening thing about these evil men it that there is NO easy way to spot them. Rapists can be anything from bums to bank mangers, and anyone from family members to total strangers. One in four women has suffered an attack from this vile creature, and one in seven men as well! Their motive is violence. The best defense is never to make yourself too vulnerable.

To defend yourself from predators, learn all the ins and outs of setting up a good Safety Net. Follow these procedures religiously. Most important of all take your time getting to know your prospective play partners. This is good advice in any case. If you know your partner well, you’re more likely to have a good time with him, because you will feel more comfortable during that first scene. Predators are more likely to move on in search of easy prey, they do tend to be impulsive. If a ‘Dom’ you have been talking too suddenly seems to lose interest in you after a period of time, you may have just saved your own life. Don’t go chasing after anybody. A true Dom doesn't need to play ‘hard to get.’

__Step 3: Know your goal!__

Take the time to figure out what you want. It’s often hard for newbie subs to do this because sometimes they lack knowledge of what choices are available to them. So arm yourself with knowledge! There are many fine publications, books, and internet websites that cater to sexual submissives. So start reading! Learn about the different types of play and how they should be conducted. Learn everything you can about how to set up a Safety Net. Learn all the dos and don’ts of meeting others and playing safely. Decide what your limits are and set them down on paper. This may seem like a lot of homework to do in the name of fun, but also keep in mind that it’s your ass that’s (literally) on the line here.

Know what a real Dom acts like. Remember, you are probably a sexual submissive because you are in control the rest of the time. You are strong! Likely even ambitious as well. You have a career, or goals, or a lifestyle that demands this high level of energy and control. So giving away your control is a beautiful respite from everyday life. Your power and energy are things you only want to give to someone you trust, and in intimate situations at that. It’s a very personal thing for you!

Well, guess what, sexual Dominants are usually the compliment of this. We are often strong people too, and we do tend to be intelligent. We are often highly trained professionals or skilled craftsmen. However, we tend to avoid lifestyles and careers that demand we be in control all the time. We tend to be easygoing. I have never in my life met, or even heard of, an uptight sexual Dominant. We like being in control in intimate situations. It’s a respite from the way we live our everyday lives. We are not really the opposite of you, but we are the ‘puzzle piece’ that fits next to you snugly. In other words, don't look for a Dom that’s exactly like you. You won’t find him. Don’t look for a Dom that wants to run your whole life; he doesn’t exist.

Above all, if you’re prospective Dom seems like a generally nice guy, you’re likely on the right track! Take the time to get to know him. Don't let the five control freaks on the other side of the chat room demand your attention. A real Dominant isn’t likely to make ‘demands’ until its time to play.

__Step 4: Memorize the Acid Tests!__

_Test #1: When in doubt, throw it out!_ Don’t waste your time with people that make you feel uncomfortable. Even if the guy was a real Dom, if his personality makes you feel uncomfortable, he’s not going to be fun to play with.

_Test #2: “You’d better call me Sir!”_ is the mating call of a HNG or control freak. Real Doms don't have to ask for titles, we earn them. Most real Doms will say things like “please, call me Mike…”

_Test #3: “I want you to take my collar before you play with me.”_ This is another common demand of fakes, most often made by control freaks. They have to isolate you from other people and their advice, and sometimes a little ole “cyber-collar” is just the thing! Cyber-collars are worth less than the leather required to make one.

_Test #4: If you get an Instant Message that says something like “On your knees, you [slave, slut, bitch, whore, etc.]”_ This is the mating call of the HNG. Use some common sense here. Why waste time with somebody that’s not even polite? There’s a time and a place for these endearing terms, and it isn’t online!

_Test #5: “I don't have to answer that question!”_ or “It’s not proper etiquette for you to ask a Master that.” are examples of some the dangerous lies that control freaks and snerts use. This is the Acid test I personally think is the most important! A Dom had better be ready to at least try and answer every question you have, and honestly at that! It’s literally your ass that’s on the line! Never forget this!

_Test #6: “It’s my way or the highway!”_ or words to that effect, are the mating cry of the common control freak. Doms can have Limits too, but it’s your Limits that count FIRST. Don’t let any would-be ‘Dom’ tell you differently. Don’t let any of the wannabe subs tell you differently either. Where Male Dom/Fem sub play is concerned, it’s always lady’s choice!

_Test #7: Don't bother with online collars._ Don't make decisions about a prospective partner based on his online play style. It’s a very simple test if you think about it: would a real-life Dominant waste much time on cybersex? Please take my word for it; the answer is no. Forget it, once you’ve done the real thing, cyber is just too damn dull.

_Test #8: Ask your prospect if he’s ever made any mistakes during a scene._ If he says ‘no,’ run for your life! If he says, ‘very rarely,’ at least be suspicious. Everyone makes mistakes, even if they are experienced and skilled. Sometimes submissives have Limits they don't even know about, and even the most careful and skilled Dom the world will trip over these occasionally. Remember, according to our good friends of the Christian faith, the last perfect guy to walk this planet got nailed to a tree for his trouble. So expect competence, but not miracles.

_Test #9: “I’m a [bank president, captain of industry, combat photographer, self-made millionaire… yadda yadda yadda.]”_ Wouldn’t it be nice to meet a rich Dom too? Sure it would! But use some common sense too. How many captains of industry have hours to spend in an AOL chat room? Also, think about this personality profile; if this super successful, always-in-control person is really into BDSM, he’s likely a submissive! Worse yet, it could very likely mean he is a control freak. I have met a lot of submissives that fit this ambitious profile, but not one Dom yet!

_Test #10: “I’m 33 years old, and I’ve been a Master for 15 years.”_ Gimme a break! What are the odds? When you ask about a Dom’s level of experience (and it’s a good idea to do so) remember to do the math as well. 18-year-old boys don’t care about the intricacies of BDSM; they want to get laid. Trust me on this one Ladies, I was an 18-year-old boy once! I personally believe that people do become what they are (be it gay, straight, Dom or sub) very early in life, but it takes maturity and training to be a Master. What are the odds a person became a Master when they were still using Clearasil?

_Test #11: Ask for references!_ Especially if he claims to be ‘very experienced.’ Talk to the references on the phone. Lots of HNG’s have female screen-names set up to act as ‘references’ for them! I notice that a lot of newbies seem to have trouble with this concept. Which is understandable since in the vanilla world it’s considered rude to talk to a guy’s ex-girlfriend. However, in the BDSM Scene it’s the opposite, experienced Dominants should accept and accommodate this kind of request gladly.

_Test #12: “I have three real-life collared slaves right now, but you can't talk to them.”_ Okay, when you consider the ratio and all, this sounds possible. What makes this an acid test failed (and failed miserably at that) is the last part. I have met couples (and even triples) that really were looking for an extra person to add to the mix. This is not uncommon at all in the Scene. But these couples were looking together. If a ‘Dom’ has anyone already collared to them, you probably ought to talk to her first!

_Test #13: “I don't need safe words.”_ Well of course he doesn’t! If he said this he’s likely a snert and therefore he’s never really been in a scene! Of course he might be a predator too, and then he wouldn't need safewords either. Need I say more?

_Test #14: “My slaves trust me to set their Limits for them.”_ If you hear a ‘Dom’ say this it’s most likely because these slaves only exist in his mind. Or worse still, his ‘slave’ is simply the victim of spouse abuse. Even so-called TPE (Total Power Exchange) and other sorts of 24/7 (i.e. full time) BDSM relationships should involve careful and thorough negotiation.

_Test #15: "I'm Married, my wife can't know about us"_ If I have to explain this one too you, you've got problems. I have played with many married submissives in my time, but only with the express permission (and more often than not, participation) of their husbands. Safe BDSM requires complete honesty. You can't build a good Scene on lies. There are plenty of people that will be willing to tell you differently; but please note, they will all turn out to be adulterers (and hence, liars) themselves.

_Test #16: Insert your own Acid Test here:_ You will learn much from your mistakes and missteps. If you form an online contact with a "Dom" that falls through, analyze why it fell through. Don't make the same mistakes twice if you can help it.

__Step 5: It’s not just the men you have to screen!__

Finding some female submissives to be buddies with you on your quest is a very good idea. Especially if they are experienced players; they can give you unique perspectives, emotional support, and even references to legitimate Doms to play with. They can also, most importantly, provide a Safety Net for you during those first meetings with the men you meet. The benefits of teaming up with other women in your search should be obvious!

However, be just as cautious about what you hear from other women online as well. If you are so inclined to search for a Domme for instance, the Acid tests should apply just as well. Be very cautious about the women you meet online that claim to be submissives as well. There are a great number of female HNG’s who live their BDSM lifestyle in the vacuum of cyber-space. Their advice and experiences are not only useless in the real world, they can be dangerous. Another class of “female enemy” is even more tragic and dangerous; the Victim.

A Victim is just that; a victim of physical and/or mental abuse that uses BDSM as an excuse to continue denying the reality of her tragic situation. These people are disturbingly common as well. They are dangerous to you too! These women are not just full of very dangerous advice, but they are usually very vehement about telling you that their lifestyle is the only “real BDSM.” They can fill your head full of doubts faster than one of the male enemy types.

Spare little sympathy, tell them to get help, and stay the heck away from them (in exactly this order). It may seem mercenary, but it is in fact the right thing to do. This is my training as a CASA (Citizens Against Spouse Abuse) volunteer talking. An abuse victim can only save herself, and then only when she is ready to do so. If you let her vent her frustrations and fears on you, she will then go back to her familiar little hell, leaving you emotionally drained and likely scared too. Your quest for safe play partners is going to be tough enough as it is. Avoid Victims completely if you can, and if you can't, urge them to get help. It’s not your job to save the world, keeping yourself safe and happy is enough work.

__In Closing__

This all seems like a lot of work. It is. Some of it sounds awfully scary too. It should. So why bother with this quest at all? Why not just stick “cyber only” in your profile and forget real-life BDSM? Why not just drop it altogether? I can give you only one good reason; when it is done safely, and it suits your needs, it can be one of the most profoundly fulfilling experiences in your life! I used to cringe at terms like “sex magic,” but now that I know the spells, I’m an unabashed Wizard! Besides, any student of psychology can tell you that denial has its own dangers too. The easy roads are not the ones that lead to interesting places. So arm yourself with knowledge, find yourself some trustworthy friends to share the journey, and start walking. Just don’t forget to bring your Acid Tests too!

__GLOSSARY__

BDSM - an acronym that combines abbreviations for Bondage and Discipline, Domination and Submission, and Sadism and Masochism (B&D + D/s + S&M = BDSM). It is meant to be an all-inclusive term for these related erotic fetishes.

B&D – abbr. for Bondage and Discipline.

Collar - a symbol of possession used to denote some sort of committed relationship between a sexual Dominant and a sexual submissive.

Control Freak - slang for a person with a dysfunctional personality type usually referred to as a “controlling personality.” See section 2, paragraph four.

Credo, The – (a.. k. a. the BDSM Motto) The BDSM Credo is usually taken to be “Safe, Sane, and Consensual.” All of these ideals are generally considered to be of equal importance and interdependent. It is worth noting that the Credo’s definition of Sanity, rather than delving into psychology, goes thus: The only Sane reason to do BDSM is for the mutual enjoyment of all people involved.

Cyber - slang for being online. Often refers to Cyber-sex.

Cyber Sex - interacting with another person online for the express purpose of sexual arousal.

D/s - abbr. for Domination and Submission.

Dom - abbr. or slang for a (usually male) sexual Dominant.

Dominant - (i.e. Sexual Dominant) A person that derives sexual and mental satisfaction from taking control of intimate erotic encounters. They are often simulated by using techniques such as sexual sadism, bondage, domineering role-play, and generally taking a commanding role in intimate situations.

Domme - abbr. or slang for a (usually female) sexual Dominant.

HNG - acronym for “Horny Net Geek.” See section 2, paragraph two.

Limit - something that either partner in a BDSM relationship will not do, or does not like. Basically, a specific preference concerning BDSM play. The submissive’s Limits should always take precedence over the Dominant’s. Limits should always be discussed and set out before a Scene ever starts. Respecting Limits is not an option, it’s a requirement.

Master - A title of honor for a (usually male) sexual Dominant that usually denotes either a high level of experience or competence. Also used (voluntarily) as a title of respect for Dominants that have served the BDSM community as a whole. Alternatively used as a term of endearment for the Dom in a Scene featuring “Master/slave” role-playing, or in the context of a long-term relationship. Similar titles include Sir, Lord, and Daddy, etc.

Mistress - A title of honor for a (usually female) sexual Dominant that usually denotes either a high level of experience or competence. Also used (voluntarily) as a title of respect for Dominants that have served the BDSM community as a whole. Alternatively used as a term of endearment for the Domme in a Scene featuring “Mistress/slave” role-playing, or in the context of a long-term relationship. Similar titles include Ma’am, Lady, and Momma, etc.

S&M or S/m - abbr. for Sadism & Masochism, or Sadomasochism.

SafeWord - a code word used by the submissive to signal his/her Dominant partner to either stop, slow down, or even completely end a Scene. “Safe Signals” must be substituted when the submissive is gagged or cannot otherwise speak. These are not an option for safe play, they are a requirement.

Safety Net - a person or persons who take the responsibility to make sure that your real-life meeting with a prospective play partner is safe. This can range from actually “chaperoning” the meeting to set up “safe calls” and so forth. This is a requirement for submissives, not an option, as it is the only defense they have against predators, rapists, and con artists. Learn how to set one up and set them up religiously. Even vanilla women should learn to do these things when going on a blind date!

Sexual Masochist - a person that can experience profound arousal and/or euphoria from controlled doses of pain and other extreme stimuli. Such stimuli outside the context of a consensual or erotic experience are not usually enjoyable to a sexual masochist.

Sexual Sadist - a person that can experience profound arousal and/or euphoria from inflicting carefully controlled doses of pain and other extreme stimuli on sexual Masochists. They DO NOT generally enjoy inflicting pain for its own sake. Nor do they enjoy using such stimuli on people that do not find it enjoyable.

Slave - a title of endearment and ownership given to sexual submissives that are participating in Master/slave lifestyles or role-playing. This usually signifies that the submissive wears the “Collar” of a particular Dominant. Alternatively used (voluntarily) as a title of respect for submissives that have served the BDSM community as a whole. Similar titles include boy, girl, or sissy, etc.

Sub - abbr. or slang for a sexual submissive.

Submissive – (i.e. Sexual Submissive) A person who derives sexual and mental satisfaction from having control taken away from them in intimate situations. They are often (but not always) sexual masochists. They often derive pleasure from bondage and generally taking a subservient role in intimate situations.

Scene - slang for relating to BDSM. As in “Yes, she’s a legitimate player in the Scene.” Also slang for a specific session of BDSM. As in “I was in this wonderful Scene last night.” Often used as a verb in the same case; “They Scened at the party last night.”

Subbie - common endearment for a sexual submissive, usually (but not always) for a female submissive.

Vanilla - slang for things that are not “kinky” or not related to BDSM and similar fetishes.

Victim - a victim of abuse that claims to be in a BDSM “lifestyle” to rationalize/legitimize their tragic situation. See section 5, paragraph 2.

Wannabe - derogatory; most often refers to a person that pretends to be a legitimate real-life practitioner of BDSM, while actually having little or no practical experience.

The term ‘Acid Test’ is an old prospecting term. A powerful acid can dissolve most base metals in a matter of minutes. However, gold will stand up to most acids. So the ‘Acid Test’ was an easy way for people to make sure they had a real nugget of gold and not a lump of the ‘fool’s’ variety. In the same way, these tests are meant to be quick ways to identify fake Doms. Passing all these tests is no guarantee either, there is no replacement for getting to know your prospective partner as well as possible before you even meet in person.

Now most of these tests are designed in mind for a submissive female trying to sort through men claiming to be Doms online. They are largely based on the many questions I get asked by my female friends still searching for a Dominant partner. Some of them can probably be used by male subs as well, but for the most part, these tests are best for ferreting out male fakes. Vanilla males are usually after ‘easy sex’ and this motive makes them easier to identify than a lot of the fake Dommes out there.

__Step One: Do the Math__

Various estimates and surveys have placed the ratio of real (i.e. natural) male sexual Dominants to female sexual submissives at about one to ten. However, a quick count in any given BDSM oriented chat room would lead you to believe that male Doms outnumber the subs at about two to one. Now if there is actually only one male Dom for every ten female subs, that means that 19 out of the 20 “Doms” you see online have to be fakes. Keep this in mind. There is a 95% chance that any man you talk to online claiming to be a Dom is no such thing. This leads us to our first rule, a rule that all statisticians and scientists already know by heart: “When in doubt, throw it out!”

Your search for a suitable Dominant partner (especially if you are seeking a serious long-term relationship as well) could easily take years. That’s hardly surprising, most people spend years looking for that special lover, be they ‘vanilla’ or otherwise. So don’t be disheartened by all these drastic ratios. But don’t waste your time either. If any of the prospects you are chatting with online makes you feel uncomfortable for any reason, drop him. Don’t give him ‘three strikes’ or ‘extra chances to win.’ Block out his screen-name and move on. There was only a one in twenty chance he was legitimate anyway. Trust your instincts!

__Step Two: Know Your Enemy__

We call them Snerts. We call them HNG’s (Horny Net Geeks). We call them Wannabes. We call them Control Freaks. And sometimes, tragically, we even find some that can only be called rapists and predators. They are all your enemies. Don’t bother thinking they are anything less. Even a more or less well-meaning Snert can land you in a hospital. Real BDSM is not for dilettantes or amateurs: Not, no, and never! Even if he turns out to be a more or less nice guy, if he’s not a Dom, he’s not going to give you what you really need. He will likely give you many things you don’t need, like medical bills and other assorted headaches.

Snerts are basically looking for easy sex. They are counting on the (highly inaccurate) assumption that sexual submissives are simply sexually promiscuous. Nothing could be farther from the truth, but that doesn’t deter them at all. They are typically middle-aged to somewhat older men. They are often married. They are usually trying to bolster their flagging vanilla sex lives with some casual screwing around. They target submissives because they think that they won't make demands on their sexual prowess (another bad assumption). They can be easily spotted because they almost always demand or at least emphasize sexual intercourse being a part of their ‘scenes.’

HNG’s are usually the most harmless (and yet often the most annoying) of the enemy types. Most are teenagers and young men looking for some quick cyber-sex or even phone-sex. They are usually pretty sophisticated about their BDSM jargon and the ‘scenes’ they describe to you can be pretty elaborate. Geeks do their homework. They scour the porno sites for ideas and hang out in BDSM chats for hours on end learning the lingo. They are most easily spotted because they want to move on to cyber-sex and phone sex very quickly. They like to offer online collars, and spend hours on end in chat rooms ‘playing’ with their ‘subbies.’ Don’t waste your time with them.

The second most dangerous type of enemy is the Control Freak. Control freaks are what most psychologists and therapists call ‘controlling personalities.’ They are basically obsessed with control of everything around them, especially the people in their lives. They want all their family, friends, and even coworkers to behave exactly as they say. They are extremely manipulative people. These men can be dangerous because many really have convinced themselves that they are Dominants as a way to justify their dysfunctional lives. Many inexperienced submissives find themselves ‘naturally’ attracted to these men because outwardly they seem so ‘in command’ of things all the time. The truly ironic (and sad) thing is, a controlling personality is actually the closest thing to the opposite of a sexual Dominant.

Controls Freaks can be spotted because they often talk about ‘taking care of you’ and also ‘knowing what’s best for you.’ They almost always try to play on your emotions; especially guilt. They also usually criticize and even resent the advice you get from other people. They often talk about 24/7 BDSM relationships without going into any details about what kind of actual scenes they play. They are fond of telling you that they prefer the ‘mental aspect’ of Domination and submission. They tend to be both demanding and argumentative. Nothing you do will ever be quite right. While all this may seem very repulsive and easy to avoid, be on your guard, the average control freak often seems very charming initially. Once they have their hooks into you its very hard to get untangled.

The last and most dangerous type of enemy is the rapist or predator. These are the men most likely to damage or even end your life. The truly frightening thing about these evil men it that there is NO easy way to spot them. Rapists can be anything from bums to bank mangers, and anyone from family members to total strangers. One in four women has suffered an attack from this vile creature, and one in seven men as well! Their motive is violence. The best defense is never to make yourself too vulnerable.

To defend yourself from predators, learn all the ins and outs of setting up a good Safety Net. Follow these procedures religiously. Most important of all take your time getting to know your prospective play partners. This is good advice in any case. If you know your partner well, you’re more likely to have a good time with him, because you will feel more comfortable during that first scene. Predators are more likely to move on in search of easy prey, they do tend to be impulsive. If a ‘Dom’ you have been talking too suddenly seems to lose interest in you after a period of time, you may have just saved your own life. Don’t go chasing after anybody. A true Dom doesn't need to play ‘hard to get.’

__Step 3: Know your goal!__

Take the time to figure out what you want. It’s often hard for newbie subs to do this because sometimes they lack knowledge of what choices are available to them. So arm yourself with knowledge! There are many fine publications, books, and internet websites that cater to sexual submissives. So start reading! Learn about the different types of play and how they should be conducted. Learn everything you can about how to set up a Safety Net. Learn all the dos and don’ts of meeting others and playing safely. Decide what your limits are and set them down on paper. This may seem like a lot of homework to do in the name of fun, but also keep in mind that it’s your ass that’s (literally) on the line here.

Know what a real Dom acts like. Remember, you are probably a sexual submissive because you are in control the rest of the time. You are strong! Likely even ambitious as well. You have a career, or goals, or a lifestyle that demands this high level of energy and control. So giving away your control is a beautiful respite from everyday life. Your power and energy are things you only want to give to someone you trust, and in intimate situations at that. It’s a very personal thing for you!

Well, guess what, sexual Dominants are usually the compliment of this. We are often strong people too, and we do tend to be intelligent. We are often highly trained professionals or skilled craftsmen. However, we tend to avoid lifestyles and careers that demand we be in control all the time. We tend to be easygoing. I have never in my life met, or even heard of, an uptight sexual Dominant. We like being in control in intimate situations. It’s a respite from the way we live our everyday lives. We are not really the opposite of you, but we are the ‘puzzle piece’ that fits next to you snugly. In other words, don't look for a Dom that’s exactly like you. You won’t find him. Don’t look for a Dom that wants to run your whole life; he doesn’t exist.

Above all, if you’re prospective Dom seems like a generally nice guy, you’re likely on the right track! Take the time to get to know him. Don't let the five control freaks on the other side of the chat room demand your attention. A real Dominant isn’t likely to make ‘demands’ until its time to play.

__Step 4: Memorize the Acid Tests!__

_Test #1: When in doubt, throw it out!_ Don’t waste your time with people that make you feel uncomfortable. Even if the guy was a real Dom, if his personality makes you feel uncomfortable, he’s not going to be fun to play with.

_Test #2: “You’d better call me Sir!”_ is the mating call of a HNG or control freak. Real Doms don't have to ask for titles, we earn them. Most real Doms will say things like “please, call me Mike…”

_Test #3: “I want you to take my collar before you play with me.”_ This is another common demand of fakes, most often made by control freaks. They have to isolate you from other people and their advice, and sometimes a little ole “cyber-collar” is just the thing! Cyber-collars are worth less than the leather required to make one.

_Test #4: If you get an Instant Message that says something like “On your knees, you [slave, slut, bitch, whore, etc.]”_ This is the mating call of the HNG. Use some common sense here. Why waste time with somebody that’s not even polite? There’s a time and a place for these endearing terms, and it isn’t online!

_Test #5: “I don't have to answer that question!”_ or “It’s not proper etiquette for you to ask a Master that.” are examples of some the dangerous lies that control freaks and snerts use. This is the Acid test I personally think is the most important! A Dom had better be ready to at least try and answer every question you have, and honestly at that! It’s literally your ass that’s on the line! Never forget this!

_Test #6: “It’s my way or the highway!”_ or words to that effect, are the mating cry of the common control freak. Doms can have Limits too, but it’s your Limits that count FIRST. Don’t let any would-be ‘Dom’ tell you differently. Don’t let any of the wannabe subs tell you differently either. Where Male Dom/Fem sub play is concerned, it’s always lady’s choice!

_Test #7: Don't bother with online collars._ Don't make decisions about a prospective partner based on his online play style. It’s a very simple test if you think about it: would a real-life Dominant waste much time on cybersex? Please take my word for it; the answer is no. Forget it, once you’ve done the real thing, cyber is just too damn dull.

_Test #8: Ask your prospect if he’s ever made any mistakes during a scene._ If he says ‘no,’ run for your life! If he says, ‘very rarely,’ at least be suspicious. Everyone makes mistakes, even if they are experienced and skilled. Sometimes submissives have Limits they don't even know about, and even the most careful and skilled Dom the world will trip over these occasionally. Remember, according to our good friends of the Christian faith, the last perfect guy to walk this planet got nailed to a tree for his trouble. So expect competence, but not miracles.

_Test #9: “I’m a [bank president, captain of industry, combat photographer, self-made millionaire… yadda yadda yadda.]”_ Wouldn’t it be nice to meet a rich Dom too? Sure it would! But use some common sense too. How many captains of industry have hours to spend in an AOL chat room? Also, think about this personality profile; if this super successful, always-in-control person is really into BDSM, he’s likely a submissive! Worse yet, it could very likely mean he is a control freak. I have met a lot of submissives that fit this ambitious profile, but not one Dom yet!

_Test #10: “I’m 33 years old, and I’ve been a Master for 15 years.”_ Gimme a break! What are the odds? When you ask about a Dom’s level of experience (and it’s a good idea to do so) remember to do the math as well. 18-year-old boys don’t care about the intricacies of BDSM; they want to get laid. Trust me on this one Ladies, I was an 18-year-old boy once! I personally believe that people do become what they are (be it gay, straight, Dom or sub) very early in life, but it takes maturity and training to be a Master. What are the odds a person became a Master when they were still using Clearasil?

_Test #11: Ask for references!_ Especially if he claims to be ‘very experienced.’ Talk to the references on the phone. Lots of HNG’s have female screen-names set up to act as ‘references’ for them! I notice that a lot of newbies seem to have trouble with this concept. Which is understandable since in the vanilla world it’s considered rude to talk to a guy’s ex-girlfriend. However, in the BDSM Scene it’s the opposite, experienced Dominants should accept and accommodate this kind of request gladly.

_Test #12: “I have three real-life collared slaves right now, but you can't talk to them.”_ Okay, when you consider the ratio and all, this sounds possible. What makes this an acid test failed (and failed miserably at that) is the last part. I have met couples (and even triples) that really were looking for an extra person to add to the mix. This is not uncommon at all in the Scene. But these couples were looking together. If a ‘Dom’ has anyone already collared to them, you probably ought to talk to her first!

_Test #13: “I don't need safe words.”_ Well of course he doesn’t! If he said this he’s likely a snert and therefore he’s never really been in a scene! Of course he might be a predator too, and then he wouldn't need safewords either. Need I say more?

_Test #14: “My slaves trust me to set their Limits for them.”_ If you hear a ‘Dom’ say this it’s most likely because these slaves only exist in his mind. Or worse still, his ‘slave’ is simply the victim of spouse abuse. Even so-called TPE (Total Power Exchange) and other sorts of 24/7 (i.e. full time) BDSM relationships should involve careful and thorough negotiation.

_Test #15: "I'm Married, my wife can't know about us"_ If I have to explain this one too you, you've got problems. I have played with many married submissives in my time, but only with the express permission (and more often than not, participation) of their husbands. Safe BDSM requires complete honesty. You can't build a good Scene on lies. There are plenty of people that will be willing to tell you differently; but please note, they will all turn out to be adulterers (and hence, liars) themselves.

_Test #16: Insert your own Acid Test here:_ You will learn much from your mistakes and missteps. If you form an online contact with a "Dom" that falls through, analyze why it fell through. Don't make the same mistakes twice if you can help it.

__Step 5: It’s not just the men you have to screen!__

Finding some female submissives to be buddies with you on your quest is a very good idea. Especially if they are experienced players; they can give you unique perspectives, emotional support, and even references to legitimate Doms to play with. They can also, most importantly, provide a Safety Net for you during those first meetings with the men you meet. The benefits of teaming up with other women in your search should be obvious!

However, be just as cautious about what you hear from other women online as well. If you are so inclined to search for a Domme for instance, the Acid tests should apply just as well. Be very cautious about the women you meet online that claim to be submissives as well. There are a great number of female HNG’s who live their BDSM lifestyle in the vacuum of cyber-space. Their advice and experiences are not only useless in the real world, they can be dangerous. Another class of “female enemy” is even more tragic and dangerous; the Victim.

A Victim is just that; a victim of physical and/or mental abuse that uses BDSM as an excuse to continue denying the reality of her tragic situation. These people are disturbingly common as well. They are dangerous to you too! These women are not just full of very dangerous advice, but they are usually very vehement about telling you that their lifestyle is the only “real BDSM.” They can fill your head full of doubts faster than one of the male enemy types.

Spare little sympathy, tell them to get help, and stay the heck away from them (in exactly this order). It may seem mercenary, but it is in fact the right thing to do. This is my training as a CASA (Citizens Against Spouse Abuse) volunteer talking. An abuse victim can only save herself, and then only when she is ready to do so. If you let her vent her frustrations and fears on you, she will then go back to her familiar little hell, leaving you emotionally drained and likely scared too. Your quest for safe play partners is going to be tough enough as it is. Avoid Victims completely if you can, and if you can't, urge them to get help. It’s not your job to save the world, keeping yourself safe and happy is enough work.

__In Closing__

This all seems like a lot of work. It is. Some of it sounds awfully scary too. It should. So why bother with this quest at all? Why not just stick “cyber only” in your profile and forget real-life BDSM? Why not just drop it altogether? I can give you only one good reason; when it is done safely, and it suits your needs, it can be one of the most profoundly fulfilling experiences in your life! I used to cringe at terms like “sex magic,” but now that I know the spells, I’m an unabashed Wizard! Besides, any student of psychology can tell you that denial has its own dangers too. The easy roads are not the ones that lead to interesting places. So arm yourself with knowledge, find yourself some trustworthy friends to share the journey, and start walking. Just don’t forget to bring your Acid Tests too!

__GLOSSARY__

BDSM - an acronym that combines abbreviations for Bondage and Discipline, Domination and Submission, and Sadism and Masochism (B&D + D/s + S&M = BDSM). It is meant to be an all-inclusive term for these related erotic fetishes.

B&D – abbr. for Bondage and Discipline.

Collar - a symbol of possession used to denote some sort of committed relationship between a sexual Dominant and a sexual submissive.

Control Freak - slang for a person with a dysfunctional personality type usually referred to as a “controlling personality.” See section 2, paragraph four.

Credo, The – (a.. k. a. the BDSM Motto) The BDSM Credo is usually taken to be “Safe, Sane, and Consensual.” All of these ideals are generally considered to be of equal importance and interdependent. It is worth noting that the Credo’s definition of Sanity, rather than delving into psychology, goes thus: The only Sane reason to do BDSM is for the mutual enjoyment of all people involved.

Cyber - slang for being online. Often refers to Cyber-sex.

Cyber Sex - interacting with another person online for the express purpose of sexual arousal.

D/s - abbr. for Domination and Submission.

Dom - abbr. or slang for a (usually male) sexual Dominant.

Dominant - (i.e. Sexual Dominant) A person that derives sexual and mental satisfaction from taking control of intimate erotic encounters. They are often simulated by using techniques such as sexual sadism, bondage, domineering role-play, and generally taking a commanding role in intimate situations.

Domme - abbr. or slang for a (usually female) sexual Dominant.

HNG - acronym for “Horny Net Geek.” See section 2, paragraph two.

Limit - something that either partner in a BDSM relationship will not do, or does not like. Basically, a specific preference concerning BDSM play. The submissive’s Limits should always take precedence over the Dominant’s. Limits should always be discussed and set out before a Scene ever starts. Respecting Limits is not an option, it’s a requirement.

Master - A title of honor for a (usually male) sexual Dominant that usually denotes either a high level of experience or competence. Also used (voluntarily) as a title of respect for Dominants that have served the BDSM community as a whole. Alternatively used as a term of endearment for the Dom in a Scene featuring “Master/slave” role-playing, or in the context of a long-term relationship. Similar titles include Sir, Lord, and Daddy, etc.

Mistress - A title of honor for a (usually female) sexual Dominant that usually denotes either a high level of experience or competence. Also used (voluntarily) as a title of respect for Dominants that have served the BDSM community as a whole. Alternatively used as a term of endearment for the Domme in a Scene featuring “Mistress/slave” role-playing, or in the context of a long-term relationship. Similar titles include Ma’am, Lady, and Momma, etc.

S&M or S/m - abbr. for Sadism & Masochism, or Sadomasochism.

SafeWord - a code word used by the submissive to signal his/her Dominant partner to either stop, slow down, or even completely end a Scene. “Safe Signals” must be substituted when the submissive is gagged or cannot otherwise speak. These are not an option for safe play, they are a requirement.

Safety Net - a person or persons who take the responsibility to make sure that your real-life meeting with a prospective play partner is safe. This can range from actually “chaperoning” the meeting to set up “safe calls” and so forth. This is a requirement for submissives, not an option, as it is the only defense they have against predators, rapists, and con artists. Learn how to set one up and set them up religiously. Even vanilla women should learn to do these things when going on a blind date!

Sexual Masochist - a person that can experience profound arousal and/or euphoria from controlled doses of pain and other extreme stimuli. Such stimuli outside the context of a consensual or erotic experience are not usually enjoyable to a sexual masochist.

Sexual Sadist - a person that can experience profound arousal and/or euphoria from inflicting carefully controlled doses of pain and other extreme stimuli on sexual Masochists. They DO NOT generally enjoy inflicting pain for its own sake. Nor do they enjoy using such stimuli on people that do not find it enjoyable.

Slave - a title of endearment and ownership given to sexual submissives that are participating in Master/slave lifestyles or role-playing. This usually signifies that the submissive wears the “Collar” of a particular Dominant. Alternatively used (voluntarily) as a title of respect for submissives that have served the BDSM community as a whole. Similar titles include boy, girl, or sissy, etc.

Sub - abbr. or slang for a sexual submissive.

Submissive – (i.e. Sexual Submissive) A person who derives sexual and mental satisfaction from having control taken away from them in intimate situations. They are often (but not always) sexual masochists. They often derive pleasure from bondage and generally taking a subservient role in intimate situations.

Scene - slang for relating to BDSM. As in “Yes, she’s a legitimate player in the Scene.” Also slang for a specific session of BDSM. As in “I was in this wonderful Scene last night.” Often used as a verb in the same case; “They Scened at the party last night.”

Subbie - common endearment for a sexual submissive, usually (but not always) for a female submissive.

Vanilla - slang for things that are not “kinky” or not related to BDSM and similar fetishes.

Victim - a victim of abuse that claims to be in a BDSM “lifestyle” to rationalize/legitimize their tragic situation. See section 5, paragraph 2.

Wannabe - derogatory; most often refers to a person that pretends to be a legitimate real-life practitioner of BDSM, while actually having little or no practical experience.

PHONY: Just a simple word with so much meaning: not genuine; fraudulent.a fraudulent person or thing. act dishonestly or unfairly in order to gain an advantage, especially in a game or examination. a person who cause (someone) to believe something that is not true, typically in order to gain some personal advantage. a person who pretends to be someone else in order to deceive others, especially for fraudulent gain

She comes to you with tales of woe someone has taken advantage of her in the lifestyle but with no great details as an elder, you try to soothe and comfort give advice and be a friend they pump you for information about you and your family and subs but being in the lifestyle you know to give limited information.

When you ask her about anything they shut you down won't even share what city they live in, you have no idea if you are communicating with a man or a woman. But try to be patient but start to suspect something doesn't feel right so you ask more direct questions and wait and wait and wait for answers that never come. 

Then someone tells you that you have been cast as dangerous or threatening in some way or fashion That is when it hits you that you were getting to close to the truth and she couldn't lie and put off anymore not answering my questions so they did as all fakes and frauds do they ran and tried to blame me for trying to be a friend