How To Be A Dom

As a Dom who had one sub for 17 years and now she has gone. It leaves a big hole in my heart we didn't scene or go to events but we played she was my slut, my whore the love of my life.

As I try to get back out in the community I find things have changed it seems there are so many false Doms and subs that want to top from the bottom.

I feel that fifty shade of gray was such a false portrayal of this beautiful lifestyle it seems like all the fake Doms are in it for the sex and leave many of their subs broken and untrusting. 

As for the subs they jump in without knowing the Dom they picked and end up hurt and confused.

I am an ole school Dom I don't want to be called Sir until I have earned it. I don't want to have sex with you until I have feelings for you. 

What I want is a friend I want to date you and get to know you as a person what are your hopes and dreams are, I want a long term relationship what do you want?

Tell me why are you interested in the lifestyle what dynamic interest you what do you want to learn?

Do you understand the power you give me and my responsibility to care for and to protect you?  

Yes, I know what I seek and so far have not been able to find a sub, a slut, a whore, and the love of my life there is more much more but we will walk that road together. Oh by the way I love to spank that ass.

My feeling of dominance is not about forcing people to do things. There is no joy in exerting power over people per se. The joy is what they do for you because they do obey. I do not purposely humiliate or intimidate people to do what I say, but rather expect them to obey me of their own free will. It's about them respecting my position of power and willingly giving themselves to me for my pleasure. I know they are also coming to me to fulfill their fantasies and to have their pleasures, but everything in our meeting is center on them serving and pleasing me.

When I speak with a new sub for the first time I ask her if they are willing to do as I say, and if she agrees to serve me as I wish, then I continue the discussion. I have never had to reprimand or remind a sub that they said they would obey me. They just willingly submit to me, and all of us enjoy a great amount of pleasure.

1) She Must Be Pretty
2) She Must Be Sweet
3) Sluts willing to be my personal slut and fuck men or woman for my pleasure, she will be my slut I will share with others
4) She Must Be Young 25-60 and look good have a tight body
5) She Must Be Honest
6) She Must Be Ready to Assume My Leadership
7) She Must Be Willing To Cook And Clean if asked  

The term ‘Acid Test’ is an old prospecting term. A powerful acid can dissolve most base metals in a matter of minutes. However, gold will stand up to most acids. So the ‘Acid Test’ was an easy way for people to make sure they had a real nugget of gold and not a lump of the ‘fool’s’ variety. In the same way, these tests are meant to be quick ways to identify fake Doms. Passing all these tests is no guarantee either, there is no replacement for getting to know your prospective partner as well as possible before you even meet in person.

Now most of these tests are designed in mind for a submissive female trying to sort through men claiming to be Doms online. They are largely based on the many questions I get asked by my female friends still searching for a Dominant partner. Some of them can probably be used by male subs as well, but for the most part, these tests are best for ferreting out male fakes. Vanilla males are usually after ‘easy sex’ and this motive makes them easier to identify than a lot of the fake Dommes out there.

__Step One: Do the Math__

Various estimates and surveys have placed the ratio of real (i.e. natural) male sexual Dominants to female sexual submissives at about one to ten. However, a quick count in any given BDSM oriented chat room would lead you to believe that male Doms outnumber the subs at about two to one. Now if there is actually only one male Dom for every ten female subs, that means that 19 out of the 20 “Doms” you see online have to be fakes. Keep this in mind. There is a 95% chance that any man you talk to online claiming to be a Dom is no such thing. This leads us to our first rule, a rule that all statisticians and scientists already know by heart: “When in doubt, throw it out!”

Your search for a suitable Dominant partner (especially if you are seeking a serious long-term relationship as well) could easily take years. That’s hardly surprising, most people spend years looking for that special lover, be they ‘vanilla’ or otherwise. So don’t be disheartened by all these drastic ratios. But don’t waste your time either. If any of the prospects you are chatting with online makes you feel uncomfortable for any reason, drop him. Don’t give him ‘three strikes’ or ‘extra chances to win.’ Block out his screen-name and move on. There was only a one in twenty chance he was legitimate anyway. Trust your instincts!

__Step Two: Know Your Enemy__

We call them Snerts. We call them HNG’s (Horny Net Geeks). We call them Wannabes. We call them Control Freaks. And sometimes, tragically, we even find some that can only be called rapists and predators. They are all your enemies. Don’t bother thinking they are anything less. Even a more or less well-meaning Snert can land you in a hospital. Real BDSM is not for dilettantes or amateurs: Not, no, and never! Even if he turns out to be a more or less nice guy, if he’s not a Dom, he’s not going to give you what you really need. He will likely give you many things you don’t need, like medical bills and other assorted headaches.

Snerts are basically looking for easy sex. They are counting on the (highly inaccurate) assumption that sexual submissives are simply sexually promiscuous. Nothing could be farther from the truth, but that doesn’t deter them at all. They are typically middle-aged to somewhat older men. They are often married. They are usually trying to bolster their flagging vanilla sex lives with some casual screwing around. They target submissives because they think that they won't make demands on their sexual prowess (another bad assumption). They can be easily spotted because they almost always demand or at least emphasize sexual intercourse being a part of their ‘scenes.’

HNG’s are usually the most harmless (and yet often the most annoying) of the enemy types. Most are teenagers and young men looking for some quick cyber-sex or even phone-sex. They are usually pretty sophisticated about their BDSM jargon and the ‘scenes’ they describe to you can be pretty elaborate. Geeks do their homework. They scour the porno sites for ideas and hang out in BDSM chats for hours on end learning the lingo. They are most easily spotted because they want to move on to cyber-sex and phone sex very quickly. They like to offer online collars, and spend hours on end in chat rooms ‘playing’ with their ‘subbies.’ Don’t waste your time with them.

The second most dangerous type of enemy is the Control Freak. Control freaks are what most psychologists and therapists call ‘controlling personalities.’ They are basically obsessed with control of everything around them, especially the people in their lives. They want all their family, friends, and even coworkers to behave exactly as they say. They are extremely manipulative people. These men can be dangerous because many really have convinced themselves that they are Dominants as a way to justify their dysfunctional lives. Many inexperienced submissives find themselves ‘naturally’ attracted to these men because outwardly they seem so ‘in command’ of things all the time. The truly ironic (and sad) thing is, a controlling personality is actually the closest thing to the opposite of a sexual Dominant.

Controls Freaks can be spotted because they often talk about ‘taking care of you’ and also ‘knowing what’s best for you.’ They almost always try to play on your emotions; especially guilt. They also usually criticize and even resent the advice you get from other people. They often talk about 24/7 BDSM relationships without going into any details about what kind of actual scenes they play. They are fond of telling you that they prefer the ‘mental aspect’ of Domination and submission. They tend to be both demanding and argumentative. Nothing you do will ever be quite right. While all this may seem very repulsive and easy to avoid, be on your guard, the average control freak often seems very charming initially. Once they have their hooks into you its very hard to get untangled.

The last and most dangerous type of enemy is the rapist or predator. These are the men most likely to damage or even end your life. The truly frightening thing about these evil men it that there is NO easy way to spot them. Rapists can be anything from bums to bank mangers, and anyone from family members to total strangers. One in four women has suffered an attack from this vile creature, and one in seven men as well! Their motive is violence. The best defense is never to make yourself too vulnerable.

To defend yourself from predators, learn all the ins and outs of setting up a good Safety Net. Follow these procedures religiously. Most important of all take your time getting to know your prospective play partners. This is good advice in any case. If you know your partner well, you’re more likely to have a good time with him, because you will feel more comfortable during that first scene. Predators are more likely to move on in search of easy prey, they do tend to be impulsive. If a ‘Dom’ you have been talking too suddenly seems to lose interest in you after a period of time, you may have just saved your own life. Don’t go chasing after anybody. A true Dom doesn't need to play ‘hard to get.’

__Step 3: Know your goal!__

Take the time to figure out what you want. It’s often hard for newbie subs to do this because sometimes they lack knowledge of what choices are available to them. So arm yourself with knowledge! There are many fine publications, books, and internet websites that cater to sexual submissives. So start reading! Learn about the different types of play and how they should be conducted. Learn everything you can about how to set up a Safety Net. Learn all the dos and don’ts of meeting others and playing safely. Decide what your limits are and set them down on paper. This may seem like a lot of homework to do in the name of fun, but also keep in mind that it’s your ass that’s (literally) on the line here.

Know what a real Dom acts like. Remember, you are probably a sexual submissive because you are in control the rest of the time. You are strong! Likely even ambitious as well. You have a career, or goals, or a lifestyle that demands this high level of energy and control. So giving away your control is a beautiful respite from everyday life. Your power and energy are things you only want to give to someone you trust, and in intimate situations at that. It’s a very personal thing for you!

Well, guess what, sexual Dominants are usually the compliment of this. We are often strong people too, and we do tend to be intelligent. We are often highly trained professionals or skilled craftsmen. However, we tend to avoid lifestyles and careers that demand we be in control all the time. We tend to be easygoing. I have never in my life met, or even heard of, an uptight sexual Dominant. We like being in control in intimate situations. It’s a respite from the way we live our everyday lives. We are not really the opposite of you, but we are the ‘puzzle piece’ that fits next to you snugly. In other words, don't look for a Dom that’s exactly like you. You won’t find him. Don’t look for a Dom that wants to run your whole life; he doesn’t exist.

Above all, if you’re prospective Dom seems like a generally nice guy, you’re likely on the right track! Take the time to get to know him. Don't let the five control freaks on the other side of the chat room demand your attention. A real Dominant isn’t likely to make ‘demands’ until its time to play.

__Step 4: Memorize the Acid Tests!__

_Test #1: When in doubt, throw it out!_ Don’t waste your time with people that make you feel uncomfortable. Even if the guy was a real Dom, if his personality makes you feel uncomfortable, he’s not going to be fun to play with.

_Test #2: “You’d better call me Sir!”_ is the mating call of a HNG or control freak. Real Doms don't have to ask for titles, we earn them. Most real Doms will say things like “please, call me Mike…”

_Test #3: “I want you to take my collar before you play with me.”_ This is another common demand of fakes, most often made by control freaks. They have to isolate you from other people and their advice, and sometimes a little ole “cyber-collar” is just the thing! Cyber-collars are worth less than the leather required to make one.

_Test #4: If you get an Instant Message that says something like “On your knees, you [slave, slut, bitch, whore, etc.]”_ This is the mating call of the HNG. Use some common sense here. Why waste time with somebody that’s not even polite? There’s a time and a place for these endearing terms, and it isn’t online!

_Test #5: “I don't have to answer that question!”_ or “It’s not proper etiquette for you to ask a Master that.” are examples of some the dangerous lies that control freaks and snerts use. This is the Acid test I personally think is the most important! A Dom had better be ready to at least try and answer every question you have, and honestly at that! It’s literally your ass that’s on the line! Never forget this!

_Test #6: “It’s my way or the highway!”_ or words to that effect, are the mating cry of the common control freak. Doms can have Limits too, but it’s your Limits that count FIRST. Don’t let any would-be ‘Dom’ tell you differently. Don’t let any of the wannabe subs tell you differently either. Where Male Dom/Fem sub play is concerned, it’s always lady’s choice!

_Test #7: Don't bother with online collars._ Don't make decisions about a prospective partner based on his online play style. It’s a very simple test if you think about it: would a real-life Dominant waste much time on cybersex? Please take my word for it; the answer is no. Forget it, once you’ve done the real thing, cyber is just too damn dull.

_Test #8: Ask your prospect if he’s ever made any mistakes during a scene._ If he says ‘no,’ run for your life! If he says, ‘very rarely,’ at least be suspicious. Everyone makes mistakes, even if they are experienced and skilled. Sometimes submissives have Limits they don't even know about, and even the most careful and skilled Dom the world will trip over these occasionally. Remember, according to our good friends of the Christian faith, the last perfect guy to walk this planet got nailed to a tree for his trouble. So expect competence, but not miracles.

_Test #9: “I’m a [bank president, captain of industry, combat photographer, self-made millionaire… yadda yadda yadda.]”_ Wouldn’t it be nice to meet a rich Dom too? Sure it would! But use some common sense too. How many captains of industry have hours to spend in an AOL chat room? Also, think about this personality profile; if this super successful, always-in-control person is really into BDSM, he’s likely a submissive! Worse yet, it could very likely mean he is a control freak. I have met a lot of submissives that fit this ambitious profile, but not one Dom yet!

_Test #10: “I’m 33 years old, and I’ve been a Master for 15 years.”_ Gimme a break! What are the odds? When you ask about a Dom’s level of experience (and it’s a good idea to do so) remember to do the math as well. 18-year-old boys don’t care about the intricacies of BDSM; they want to get laid. Trust me on this one Ladies, I was an 18-year-old boy once! I personally believe that people do become what they are (be it gay, straight, Dom or sub) very early in life, but it takes maturity and training to be a Master. What are the odds a person became a Master when they were still using Clearasil?

_Test #11: Ask for references!_ Especially if he claims to be ‘very experienced.’ Talk to the references on the phone. Lots of HNG’s have female screen-names set up to act as ‘references’ for them! I notice that a lot of newbies seem to have trouble with this concept. Which is understandable since in the vanilla world it’s considered rude to talk to a guy’s ex-girlfriend. However, in the BDSM Scene it’s the opposite, experienced Dominants should accept and accommodate this kind of request gladly.

_Test #12: “I have three real-life collared slaves right now, but you can't talk to them.”_ Okay, when you consider the ratio and all, this sounds possible. What makes this an acid test failed (and failed miserably at that) is the last part. I have met couples (and even triples) that really were looking for an extra person to add to the mix. This is not uncommon at all in the Scene. But these couples were looking together. If a ‘Dom’ has anyone already collared to them, you probably ought to talk to her first!

_Test #13: “I don't need safe words.”_ Well of course he doesn’t! If he said this he’s likely a snert and therefore he’s never really been in a scene! Of course he might be a predator too, and then he wouldn't need safewords either. Need I say more?

_Test #14: “My slaves trust me to set their Limits for them.”_ If you hear a ‘Dom’ say this it’s most likely because these slaves only exist in his mind. Or worse still, his ‘slave’ is simply the victim of spouse abuse. Even so-called TPE (Total Power Exchange) and other sorts of 24/7 (i.e. full time) BDSM relationships should involve careful and thorough negotiation.

_Test #15: "I'm Married, my wife can't know about us"_ If I have to explain this one too you, you've got problems. I have played with many married submissives in my time, but only with the express permission (and more often than not, participation) of their husbands. Safe BDSM requires complete honesty. You can't build a good Scene on lies. There are plenty of people that will be willing to tell you differently; but please note, they will all turn out to be adulterers (and hence, liars) themselves.

_Test #16: Insert your own Acid Test here:_ You will learn much from your mistakes and missteps. If you form an online contact with a "Dom" that falls through, analyze why it fell through. Don't make the same mistakes twice if you can help it.

__Step 5: It’s not just the men you have to screen!__

Finding some female submissives to be buddies with you on your quest is a very good idea. Especially if they are experienced players; they can give you unique perspectives, emotional support, and even references to legitimate Doms to play with. They can also, most importantly, provide a Safety Net for you during those first meetings with the men you meet. The benefits of teaming up with other women in your search should be obvious!

However, be just as cautious about what you hear from other women online as well. If you are so inclined to search for a Domme for instance, the Acid tests should apply just as well. Be very cautious about the women you meet online that claim to be submissives as well. There are a great number of female HNG’s who live their BDSM lifestyle in the vacuum of cyber-space. Their advice and experiences are not only useless in the real world, they can be dangerous. Another class of “female enemy” is even more tragic and dangerous; the Victim.

A Victim is just that; a victim of physical and/or mental abuse that uses BDSM as an excuse to continue denying the reality of her tragic situation. These people are disturbingly common as well. They are dangerous to you too! These women are not just full of very dangerous advice, but they are usually very vehement about telling you that their lifestyle is the only “real BDSM.” They can fill your head full of doubts faster than one of the male enemy types.

Spare little sympathy, tell them to get help, and stay the heck away from them (in exactly this order). It may seem mercenary, but it is in fact the right thing to do. This is my training as a CASA (Citizens Against Spouse Abuse) volunteer talking. An abuse victim can only save herself, and then only when she is ready to do so. If you let her vent her frustrations and fears on you, she will then go back to her familiar little hell, leaving you emotionally drained and likely scared too. Your quest for safe play partners is going to be tough enough as it is. Avoid Victims completely if you can, and if you can't, urge them to get help. It’s not your job to save the world, keeping yourself safe and happy is enough work.

__In Closing__

This all seems like a lot of work. It is. Some of it sounds awfully scary too. It should. So why bother with this quest at all? Why not just stick “cyber only” in your profile and forget real-life BDSM? Why not just drop it altogether? I can give you only one good reason; when it is done safely, and it suits your needs, it can be one of the most profoundly fulfilling experiences in your life! I used to cringe at terms like “sex magic,” but now that I know the spells, I’m an unabashed Wizard! Besides, any student of psychology can tell you that denial has its own dangers too. The easy roads are not the ones that lead to interesting places. So arm yourself with knowledge, find yourself some trustworthy friends to share the journey, and start walking. Just don’t forget to bring your Acid Tests too!

__GLOSSARY__

BDSM - an acronym that combines abbreviations for Bondage and Discipline, Domination and Submission, and Sadism and Masochism (B&D + D/s + S&M = BDSM). It is meant to be an all-inclusive term for these related erotic fetishes.

B&D – abbr. for Bondage and Discipline.

Collar - a symbol of possession used to denote some sort of committed relationship between a sexual Dominant and a sexual submissive.

Control Freak - slang for a person with a dysfunctional personality type usually referred to as a “controlling personality.” See section 2, paragraph four.

Credo, The – (a.. k. a. the BDSM Motto) The BDSM Credo is usually taken to be “Safe, Sane, and Consensual.” All of these ideals are generally considered to be of equal importance and interdependent. It is worth noting that the Credo’s definition of Sanity, rather than delving into psychology, goes thus: The only Sane reason to do BDSM is for the mutual enjoyment of all people involved.

Cyber - slang for being online. Often refers to Cyber-sex.

Cyber Sex - interacting with another person online for the express purpose of sexual arousal.

D/s - abbr. for Domination and Submission.

Dom - abbr. or slang for a (usually male) sexual Dominant.

Dominant - (i.e. Sexual Dominant) A person that derives sexual and mental satisfaction from taking control of intimate erotic encounters. They are often simulated by using techniques such as sexual sadism, bondage, domineering role-play, and generally taking a commanding role in intimate situations.

Domme - abbr. or slang for a (usually female) sexual Dominant.

HNG - acronym for “Horny Net Geek.” See section 2, paragraph two.

Limit - something that either partner in a BDSM relationship will not do, or does not like. Basically, a specific preference concerning BDSM play. The submissive’s Limits should always take precedence over the Dominant’s. Limits should always be discussed and set out before a Scene ever starts. Respecting Limits is not an option, it’s a requirement.

Master - A title of honor for a (usually male) sexual Dominant that usually denotes either a high level of experience or competence. Also used (voluntarily) as a title of respect for Dominants that have served the BDSM community as a whole. Alternatively used as a term of endearment for the Dom in a Scene featuring “Master/slave” role-playing, or in the context of a long-term relationship. Similar titles include Sir, Lord, and Daddy, etc.

Mistress - A title of honor for a (usually female) sexual Dominant that usually denotes either a high level of experience or competence. Also used (voluntarily) as a title of respect for Dominants that have served the BDSM community as a whole. Alternatively used as a term of endearment for the Domme in a Scene featuring “Mistress/slave” role-playing, or in the context of a long-term relationship. Similar titles include Ma’am, Lady, and Momma, etc.

S&M or S/m - abbr. for Sadism & Masochism, or Sadomasochism.

SafeWord - a code word used by the submissive to signal his/her Dominant partner to either stop, slow down, or even completely end a Scene. “Safe Signals” must be substituted when the submissive is gagged or cannot otherwise speak. These are not an option for safe play, they are a requirement.

Safety Net - a person or persons who take the responsibility to make sure that your real-life meeting with a prospective play partner is safe. This can range from actually “chaperoning” the meeting to set up “safe calls” and so forth. This is a requirement for submissives, not an option, as it is the only defense they have against predators, rapists, and con artists. Learn how to set one up and set them up religiously. Even vanilla women should learn to do these things when going on a blind date!

Sexual Masochist - a person that can experience profound arousal and/or euphoria from controlled doses of pain and other extreme stimuli. Such stimuli outside the context of a consensual or erotic experience are not usually enjoyable to a sexual masochist.

Sexual Sadist - a person that can experience profound arousal and/or euphoria from inflicting carefully controlled doses of pain and other extreme stimuli on sexual Masochists. They DO NOT generally enjoy inflicting pain for its own sake. Nor do they enjoy using such stimuli on people that do not find it enjoyable.

Slave - a title of endearment and ownership given to sexual submissives that are participating in Master/slave lifestyles or role-playing. This usually signifies that the submissive wears the “Collar” of a particular Dominant. Alternatively used (voluntarily) as a title of respect for submissives that have served the BDSM community as a whole. Similar titles include boy, girl, or sissy, etc.

Sub - abbr. or slang for a sexual submissive.

Submissive – (i.e. Sexual Submissive) A person who derives sexual and mental satisfaction from having control taken away from them in intimate situations. They are often (but not always) sexual masochists. They often derive pleasure from bondage and generally taking a subservient role in intimate situations.

Scene - slang for relating to BDSM. As in “Yes, she’s a legitimate player in the Scene.” Also slang for a specific session of BDSM. As in “I was in this wonderful Scene last night.” Often used as a verb in the same case; “They Scened at the party last night.”

Subbie - common endearment for a sexual submissive, usually (but not always) for a female submissive.

Vanilla - slang for things that are not “kinky” or not related to BDSM and similar fetishes.

Victim - a victim of abuse that claims to be in a BDSM “lifestyle” to rationalize/legitimize their tragic situation. See section 5, paragraph 2.

Wannabe - derogatory; most often refers to a person that pretends to be a legitimate real-life practitioner of BDSM, while actually having little or no practical experience.

The term ‘Acid Test’ is an old prospecting term. A powerful acid can dissolve most base metals in a matter of minutes. However, gold will stand up to most acids. So the ‘Acid Test’ was an easy way for people to make sure they had a real nugget of gold and not a lump of the ‘fool’s’ variety. In the same way, these tests are meant to be quick ways to identify fake Doms. Passing all these tests is no guarantee either, there is no replacement for getting to know your prospective partner as well as possible before you even meet in person.

Now most of these tests are designed in mind for a submissive female trying to sort through men claiming to be Doms online. They are largely based on the many questions I get asked by my female friends still searching for a Dominant partner. Some of them can probably be used by male subs as well, but for the most part, these tests are best for ferreting out male fakes. Vanilla males are usually after ‘easy sex’ and this motive makes them easier to identify than a lot of the fake Dommes out there.

__Step One: Do the Math__

Various estimates and surveys have placed the ratio of real (i.e. natural) male sexual Dominants to female sexual submissives at about one to ten. However, a quick count in any given BDSM oriented chat room would lead you to believe that male Doms outnumber the subs at about two to one. Now if there is actually only one male Dom for every ten female subs, that means that 19 out of the 20 “Doms” you see online have to be fakes. Keep this in mind. There is a 95% chance that any man you talk to online claiming to be a Dom is no such thing. This leads us to our first rule, a rule that all statisticians and scientists already know by heart: “When in doubt, throw it out!”

Your search for a suitable Dominant partner (especially if you are seeking a serious long-term relationship as well) could easily take years. That’s hardly surprising, most people spend years looking for that special lover, be they ‘vanilla’ or otherwise. So don’t be disheartened by all these drastic ratios. But don’t waste your time either. If any of the prospects you are chatting with online makes you feel uncomfortable for any reason, drop him. Don’t give him ‘three strikes’ or ‘extra chances to win.’ Block out his screen-name and move on. There was only a one in twenty chance he was legitimate anyway. Trust your instincts!

__Step Two: Know Your Enemy__

We call them Snerts. We call them HNG’s (Horny Net Geeks). We call them Wannabes. We call them Control Freaks. And sometimes, tragically, we even find some that can only be called rapists and predators. They are all your enemies. Don’t bother thinking they are anything less. Even a more or less well-meaning Snert can land you in a hospital. Real BDSM is not for dilettantes or amateurs: Not, no, and never! Even if he turns out to be a more or less nice guy, if he’s not a Dom, he’s not going to give you what you really need. He will likely give you many things you don’t need, like medical bills and other assorted headaches.

Snerts are basically looking for easy sex. They are counting on the (highly inaccurate) assumption that sexual submissives are simply sexually promiscuous. Nothing could be farther from the truth, but that doesn’t deter them at all. They are typically middle-aged to somewhat older men. They are often married. They are usually trying to bolster their flagging vanilla sex lives with some casual screwing around. They target submissives because they think that they won't make demands on their sexual prowess (another bad assumption). They can be easily spotted because they almost always demand or at least emphasize sexual intercourse being a part of their ‘scenes.’

HNG’s are usually the most harmless (and yet often the most annoying) of the enemy types. Most are teenagers and young men looking for some quick cyber-sex or even phone-sex. They are usually pretty sophisticated about their BDSM jargon and the ‘scenes’ they describe to you can be pretty elaborate. Geeks do their homework. They scour the porno sites for ideas and hang out in BDSM chats for hours on end learning the lingo. They are most easily spotted because they want to move on to cyber-sex and phone sex very quickly. They like to offer online collars, and spend hours on end in chat rooms ‘playing’ with their ‘subbies.’ Don’t waste your time with them.

The second most dangerous type of enemy is the Control Freak. Control freaks are what most psychologists and therapists call ‘controlling personalities.’ They are basically obsessed with control of everything around them, especially the people in their lives. They want all their family, friends, and even coworkers to behave exactly as they say. They are extremely manipulative people. These men can be dangerous because many really have convinced themselves that they are Dominants as a way to justify their dysfunctional lives. Many inexperienced submissives find themselves ‘naturally’ attracted to these men because outwardly they seem so ‘in command’ of things all the time. The truly ironic (and sad) thing is, a controlling personality is actually the closest thing to the opposite of a sexual Dominant.

Controls Freaks can be spotted because they often talk about ‘taking care of you’ and also ‘knowing what’s best for you.’ They almost always try to play on your emotions; especially guilt. They also usually criticize and even resent the advice you get from other people. They often talk about 24/7 BDSM relationships without going into any details about what kind of actual scenes they play. They are fond of telling you that they prefer the ‘mental aspect’ of Domination and submission. They tend to be both demanding and argumentative. Nothing you do will ever be quite right. While all this may seem very repulsive and easy to avoid, be on your guard, the average control freak often seems very charming initially. Once they have their hooks into you its very hard to get untangled.

The last and most dangerous type of enemy is the rapist or predator. These are the men most likely to damage or even end your life. The truly frightening thing about these evil men it that there is NO easy way to spot them. Rapists can be anything from bums to bank mangers, and anyone from family members to total strangers. One in four women has suffered an attack from this vile creature, and one in seven men as well! Their motive is violence. The best defense is never to make yourself too vulnerable.

To defend yourself from predators, learn all the ins and outs of setting up a good Safety Net. Follow these procedures religiously. Most important of all take your time getting to know your prospective play partners. This is good advice in any case. If you know your partner well, you’re more likely to have a good time with him, because you will feel more comfortable during that first scene. Predators are more likely to move on in search of easy prey, they do tend to be impulsive. If a ‘Dom’ you have been talking too suddenly seems to lose interest in you after a period of time, you may have just saved your own life. Don’t go chasing after anybody. A true Dom doesn't need to play ‘hard to get.’

__Step 3: Know your goal!__

Take the time to figure out what you want. It’s often hard for newbie subs to do this because sometimes they lack knowledge of what choices are available to them. So arm yourself with knowledge! There are many fine publications, books, and internet websites that cater to sexual submissives. So start reading! Learn about the different types of play and how they should be conducted. Learn everything you can about how to set up a Safety Net. Learn all the dos and don’ts of meeting others and playing safely. Decide what your limits are and set them down on paper. This may seem like a lot of homework to do in the name of fun, but also keep in mind that it’s your ass that’s (literally) on the line here.

Know what a real Dom acts like. Remember, you are probably a sexual submissive because you are in control the rest of the time. You are strong! Likely even ambitious as well. You have a career, or goals, or a lifestyle that demands this high level of energy and control. So giving away your control is a beautiful respite from everyday life. Your power and energy are things you only want to give to someone you trust, and in intimate situations at that. It’s a very personal thing for you!

Well, guess what, sexual Dominants are usually the compliment of this. We are often strong people too, and we do tend to be intelligent. We are often highly trained professionals or skilled craftsmen. However, we tend to avoid lifestyles and careers that demand we be in control all the time. We tend to be easygoing. I have never in my life met, or even heard of, an uptight sexual Dominant. We like being in control in intimate situations. It’s a respite from the way we live our everyday lives. We are not really the opposite of you, but we are the ‘puzzle piece’ that fits next to you snugly. In other words, don't look for a Dom that’s exactly like you. You won’t find him. Don’t look for a Dom that wants to run your whole life; he doesn’t exist.

Above all, if you’re prospective Dom seems like a generally nice guy, you’re likely on the right track! Take the time to get to know him. Don't let the five control freaks on the other side of the chat room demand your attention. A real Dominant isn’t likely to make ‘demands’ until its time to play.

__Step 4: Memorize the Acid Tests!__

_Test #1: When in doubt, throw it out!_ Don’t waste your time with people that make you feel uncomfortable. Even if the guy was a real Dom, if his personality makes you feel uncomfortable, he’s not going to be fun to play with.

_Test #2: “You’d better call me Sir!”_ is the mating call of a HNG or control freak. Real Doms don't have to ask for titles, we earn them. Most real Doms will say things like “please, call me Mike…”

_Test #3: “I want you to take my collar before you play with me.”_ This is another common demand of fakes, most often made by control freaks. They have to isolate you from other people and their advice, and sometimes a little ole “cyber-collar” is just the thing! Cyber-collars are worth less than the leather required to make one.

_Test #4: If you get an Instant Message that says something like “On your knees, you [slave, slut, bitch, whore, etc.]”_ This is the mating call of the HNG. Use some common sense here. Why waste time with somebody that’s not even polite? There’s a time and a place for these endearing terms, and it isn’t online!

_Test #5: “I don't have to answer that question!”_ or “It’s not proper etiquette for you to ask a Master that.” are examples of some the dangerous lies that control freaks and snerts use. This is the Acid test I personally think is the most important! A Dom had better be ready to at least try and answer every question you have, and honestly at that! It’s literally your ass that’s on the line! Never forget this!

_Test #6: “It’s my way or the highway!”_ or words to that effect, are the mating cry of the common control freak. Doms can have Limits too, but it’s your Limits that count FIRST. Don’t let any would-be ‘Dom’ tell you differently. Don’t let any of the wannabe subs tell you differently either. Where Male Dom/Fem sub play is concerned, it’s always lady’s choice!

_Test #7: Don't bother with online collars._ Don't make decisions about a prospective partner based on his online play style. It’s a very simple test if you think about it: would a real-life Dominant waste much time on cybersex? Please take my word for it; the answer is no. Forget it, once you’ve done the real thing, cyber is just too damn dull.

_Test #8: Ask your prospect if he’s ever made any mistakes during a scene._ If he says ‘no,’ run for your life! If he says, ‘very rarely,’ at least be suspicious. Everyone makes mistakes, even if they are experienced and skilled. Sometimes submissives have Limits they don't even know about, and even the most careful and skilled Dom the world will trip over these occasionally. Remember, according to our good friends of the Christian faith, the last perfect guy to walk this planet got nailed to a tree for his trouble. So expect competence, but not miracles.

_Test #9: “I’m a [bank president, captain of industry, combat photographer, self-made millionaire… yadda yadda yadda.]”_ Wouldn’t it be nice to meet a rich Dom too? Sure it would! But use some common sense too. How many captains of industry have hours to spend in an AOL chat room? Also, think about this personality profile; if this super successful, always-in-control person is really into BDSM, he’s likely a submissive! Worse yet, it could very likely mean he is a control freak. I have met a lot of submissives that fit this ambitious profile, but not one Dom yet!

_Test #10: “I’m 33 years old, and I’ve been a Master for 15 years.”_ Gimme a break! What are the odds? When you ask about a Dom’s level of experience (and it’s a good idea to do so) remember to do the math as well. 18-year-old boys don’t care about the intricacies of BDSM; they want to get laid. Trust me on this one Ladies, I was an 18-year-old boy once! I personally believe that people do become what they are (be it gay, straight, Dom or sub) very early in life, but it takes maturity and training to be a Master. What are the odds a person became a Master when they were still using Clearasil?

_Test #11: Ask for references!_ Especially if he claims to be ‘very experienced.’ Talk to the references on the phone. Lots of HNG’s have female screen-names set up to act as ‘references’ for them! I notice that a lot of newbies seem to have trouble with this concept. Which is understandable since in the vanilla world it’s considered rude to talk to a guy’s ex-girlfriend. However, in the BDSM Scene it’s the opposite, experienced Dominants should accept and accommodate this kind of request gladly.

_Test #12: “I have three real-life collared slaves right now, but you can't talk to them.”_ Okay, when you consider the ratio and all, this sounds possible. What makes this an acid test failed (and failed miserably at that) is the last part. I have met couples (and even triples) that really were looking for an extra person to add to the mix. This is not uncommon at all in the Scene. But these couples were looking together. If a ‘Dom’ has anyone already collared to them, you probably ought to talk to her first!

_Test #13: “I don't need safe words.”_ Well of course he doesn’t! If he said this he’s likely a snert and therefore he’s never really been in a scene! Of course he might be a predator too, and then he wouldn't need safewords either. Need I say more?

_Test #14: “My slaves trust me to set their Limits for them.”_ If you hear a ‘Dom’ say this it’s most likely because these slaves only exist in his mind. Or worse still, his ‘slave’ is simply the victim of spouse abuse. Even so-called TPE (Total Power Exchange) and other sorts of 24/7 (i.e. full time) BDSM relationships should involve careful and thorough negotiation.

_Test #15: "I'm Married, my wife can't know about us"_ If I have to explain this one too you, you've got problems. I have played with many married submissives in my time, but only with the express permission (and more often than not, participation) of their husbands. Safe BDSM requires complete honesty. You can't build a good Scene on lies. There are plenty of people that will be willing to tell you differently; but please note, they will all turn out to be adulterers (and hence, liars) themselves.

_Test #16: Insert your own Acid Test here:_ You will learn much from your mistakes and missteps. If you form an online contact with a "Dom" that falls through, analyze why it fell through. Don't make the same mistakes twice if you can help it.

__Step 5: It’s not just the men you have to screen!__

Finding some female submissives to be buddies with you on your quest is a very good idea. Especially if they are experienced players; they can give you unique perspectives, emotional support, and even references to legitimate Doms to play with. They can also, most importantly, provide a Safety Net for you during those first meetings with the men you meet. The benefits of teaming up with other women in your search should be obvious!

However, be just as cautious about what you hear from other women online as well. If you are so inclined to search for a Domme for instance, the Acid tests should apply just as well. Be very cautious about the women you meet online that claim to be submissives as well. There are a great number of female HNG’s who live their BDSM lifestyle in the vacuum of cyber-space. Their advice and experiences are not only useless in the real world, they can be dangerous. Another class of “female enemy” is even more tragic and dangerous; the Victim.

A Victim is just that; a victim of physical and/or mental abuse that uses BDSM as an excuse to continue denying the reality of her tragic situation. These people are disturbingly common as well. They are dangerous to you too! These women are not just full of very dangerous advice, but they are usually very vehement about telling you that their lifestyle is the only “real BDSM.” They can fill your head full of doubts faster than one of the male enemy types.

Spare little sympathy, tell them to get help, and stay the heck away from them (in exactly this order). It may seem mercenary, but it is in fact the right thing to do. This is my training as a CASA (Citizens Against Spouse Abuse) volunteer talking. An abuse victim can only save herself, and then only when she is ready to do so. If you let her vent her frustrations and fears on you, she will then go back to her familiar little hell, leaving you emotionally drained and likely scared too. Your quest for safe play partners is going to be tough enough as it is. Avoid Victims completely if you can, and if you can't, urge them to get help. It’s not your job to save the world, keeping yourself safe and happy is enough work.

__In Closing__

This all seems like a lot of work. It is. Some of it sounds awfully scary too. It should. So why bother with this quest at all? Why not just stick “cyber only” in your profile and forget real-life BDSM? Why not just drop it altogether? I can give you only one good reason; when it is done safely, and it suits your needs, it can be one of the most profoundly fulfilling experiences in your life! I used to cringe at terms like “sex magic,” but now that I know the spells, I’m an unabashed Wizard! Besides, any student of psychology can tell you that denial has its own dangers too. The easy roads are not the ones that lead to interesting places. So arm yourself with knowledge, find yourself some trustworthy friends to share the journey, and start walking. Just don’t forget to bring your Acid Tests too!

__GLOSSARY__

BDSM - an acronym that combines abbreviations for Bondage and Discipline, Domination and Submission, and Sadism and Masochism (B&D + D/s + S&M = BDSM). It is meant to be an all-inclusive term for these related erotic fetishes.

B&D – abbr. for Bondage and Discipline.

Collar - a symbol of possession used to denote some sort of committed relationship between a sexual Dominant and a sexual submissive.

Control Freak - slang for a person with a dysfunctional personality type usually referred to as a “controlling personality.” See section 2, paragraph four.

Credo, The – (a.. k. a. the BDSM Motto) The BDSM Credo is usually taken to be “Safe, Sane, and Consensual.” All of these ideals are generally considered to be of equal importance and interdependent. It is worth noting that the Credo’s definition of Sanity, rather than delving into psychology, goes thus: The only Sane reason to do BDSM is for the mutual enjoyment of all people involved.

Cyber - slang for being online. Often refers to Cyber-sex.

Cyber Sex - interacting with another person online for the express purpose of sexual arousal.

D/s - abbr. for Domination and Submission.

Dom - abbr. or slang for a (usually male) sexual Dominant.

Dominant - (i.e. Sexual Dominant) A person that derives sexual and mental satisfaction from taking control of intimate erotic encounters. They are often simulated by using techniques such as sexual sadism, bondage, domineering role-play, and generally taking a commanding role in intimate situations.

Domme - abbr. or slang for a (usually female) sexual Dominant.

HNG - acronym for “Horny Net Geek.” See section 2, paragraph two.

Limit - something that either partner in a BDSM relationship will not do, or does not like. Basically, a specific preference concerning BDSM play. The submissive’s Limits should always take precedence over the Dominant’s. Limits should always be discussed and set out before a Scene ever starts. Respecting Limits is not an option, it’s a requirement.

Master - A title of honor for a (usually male) sexual Dominant that usually denotes either a high level of experience or competence. Also used (voluntarily) as a title of respect for Dominants that have served the BDSM community as a whole. Alternatively used as a term of endearment for the Dom in a Scene featuring “Master/slave” role-playing, or in the context of a long-term relationship. Similar titles include Sir, Lord, and Daddy, etc.

Mistress - A title of honor for a (usually female) sexual Dominant that usually denotes either a high level of experience or competence. Also used (voluntarily) as a title of respect for Dominants that have served the BDSM community as a whole. Alternatively used as a term of endearment for the Domme in a Scene featuring “Mistress/slave” role-playing, or in the context of a long-term relationship. Similar titles include Ma’am, Lady, and Momma, etc.

S&M or S/m - abbr. for Sadism & Masochism, or Sadomasochism.

SafeWord - a code word used by the submissive to signal his/her Dominant partner to either stop, slow down, or even completely end a Scene. “Safe Signals” must be substituted when the submissive is gagged or cannot otherwise speak. These are not an option for safe play, they are a requirement.

Safety Net - a person or persons who take the responsibility to make sure that your real-life meeting with a prospective play partner is safe. This can range from actually “chaperoning” the meeting to set up “safe calls” and so forth. This is a requirement for submissives, not an option, as it is the only defense they have against predators, rapists, and con artists. Learn how to set one up and set them up religiously. Even vanilla women should learn to do these things when going on a blind date!

Sexual Masochist - a person that can experience profound arousal and/or euphoria from controlled doses of pain and other extreme stimuli. Such stimuli outside the context of a consensual or erotic experience are not usually enjoyable to a sexual masochist.

Sexual Sadist - a person that can experience profound arousal and/or euphoria from inflicting carefully controlled doses of pain and other extreme stimuli on sexual Masochists. They DO NOT generally enjoy inflicting pain for its own sake. Nor do they enjoy using such stimuli on people that do not find it enjoyable.

Slave - a title of endearment and ownership given to sexual submissives that are participating in Master/slave lifestyles or role-playing. This usually signifies that the submissive wears the “Collar” of a particular Dominant. Alternatively used (voluntarily) as a title of respect for submissives that have served the BDSM community as a whole. Similar titles include boy, girl, or sissy, etc.

Sub - abbr. or slang for a sexual submissive.

Submissive – (i.e. Sexual Submissive) A person who derives sexual and mental satisfaction from having control taken away from them in intimate situations. They are often (but not always) sexual masochists. They often derive pleasure from bondage and generally taking a subservient role in intimate situations.

Scene - slang for relating to BDSM. As in “Yes, she’s a legitimate player in the Scene.” Also slang for a specific session of BDSM. As in “I was in this wonderful Scene last night.” Often used as a verb in the same case; “They Scened at the party last night.”

Subbie - common endearment for a sexual submissive, usually (but not always) for a female submissive.

Vanilla - slang for things that are not “kinky” or not related to BDSM and similar fetishes.

Victim - a victim of abuse that claims to be in a BDSM “lifestyle” to rationalize/legitimize their tragic situation. See section 5, paragraph 2.

Wannabe - derogatory; most often refers to a person that pretends to be a legitimate real-life practitioner of BDSM, while actually having little or no practical experience.

PHONY: Just a simple word with so much meaning: not genuine; fraudulent.a fraudulent person or thing. act dishonestly or unfairly in order to gain an advantage, especially in a game or examination. a person who cause (someone) to believe something that is not true, typically in order to gain some personal advantage. a person who pretends to be someone else in order to deceive others, especially for fraudulent gain

She comes to you with tales of woe someone has taken advantage of her in the lifestyle but with no great details as an elder, you try to soothe and comfort give advice and be a friend they pump you for information about you and your family and subs but being in the lifestyle you know to give limited information.

When you ask her about anything they shut you down won't even share what city they live in, you have no idea if you are communicating with a man or a woman. But try to be patient but start to suspect something doesn't feel right so you ask more direct questions and wait and wait and wait for answers that never come. 

Then someone tells you that you have been cast as dangerous or threatening in some way or fashion That is when it hits you that you were getting to close to the truth and she couldn't lie and put off anymore not answering my questions so they did as all fakes and frauds do they ran and tried to blame me for trying to be a friend

Relationships don’t drive themselves, someone has to wear the pants and make sure things run smoothly and keep moving forward.

To be clear, it doesn’t matter who is wearing the pants in a relationship, just as long as they wear them well. There is no advantage to ‘the man’ always being the one in charge, but as a man, it is your responsibility to make sure someone is behind the wheel. If your relationship is without a driver, it’s your job to step up and take control.

The first thing you need to understand to wear pants well, is what you need, and what you want, from your relationship.

Assess your own needs

It’s really important to understand the difference between what you need and what you want. You need to be very honest with yourself about these things because without knowing how to answer this question, it’s going to be impossible for you to be the confident, dominant, competent man you want to be.

For example, you may want a girl who will pick up girls at the bar to bring home with you at the end of the night. But is this something you need to be happy in a relationship? You may really enjoy hanging out with your friends and smoking weed, but if a girl says that’s a deal-breaker, is it something you need in your life or are you willing to give it up?

You need to know what makes you happy, and what keeps you sane. Once you know how to tell between what you need and want, you are prepared to put one leg into those pants.

Never compromise on a need

The only thing you need to know to avoid being ‘whipped’ in a relationship is this one piece of advice: never compromise on something you need.

If you have been honest with yourself on what you need versus what you want then compromising on a need is never an option. For a relationship to function, you need to first look out for yourself. If you are not happy and healthy, you are entirely unable to assist your partner. If there is something you need, whatever that may be, then there is no room for discussion: needs are non-negotiable. If you are ever faced with the choice of your need or her, you need to make sure the need is actually a need and not a want, and if so she will always lose. If you compromise a need, then your relationship is doomed to misery and failure. Don’t put yourself into that situation.

Now that you are prepared to wear the pants, the next step is knowing what to do when you have them on.

Put her first

If you are going to take on the role of making the decisions in a relationship, then you need to understand that every decision you make is for the benefit of her and your relationship. The happier she is, the better off you two will be, and the more willing she will be to let you continue to wear the pants. Being in control is not about being selfish, it’s not about you getting what you want, it’s about you both getting what you need and avoiding as many mistakes as possible.

When you are going out to eat, choose the place you think she would most enjoy (and you are happy to eat at). Make sure to always put her needs as being crucial to every choice you make.

If she needs to go against your wants, she wins.

If your needs go against her wants, she loses.

But if your wants go against her wants, she should win just about every time.

When someone has to give, it should always be you. While this sounds entirely selfless, it’s not: by making her the happiest girlfriend she could possibly be, she will be the best girlfriend you could ever have hoped for.

She will go out of her way to make your life better because you are worth it. The better you are to her, the better she will be to you. This is the crux of a functioning relationship.

Know when to relax

This advice is not intended to give you the impression that only a full power exchange can be a healthy relationship. The most important skill in all of this is knowing when to relax, and give up the control. Remember, you are driving the relationship, not her. You need to give her the amount of freedom she needs and support her.

The more honest, open, and communicative you are, the more information you will have to base all your decisions on. But when you don’t have enough information, you need to be sure to get it or to make sure she has the information she needs to make the decision herself. Relationships are a joint effort. If you are making the decisions, it’s because she has chosen to let you.

Just make sure not to go too far with any of these. Your job is to maintain a happy, functioning, relationship, not bow to her every whim or to turn her into your slave. You are looking for a balance where you can both be comfortable and confident. But most of all, you need to ensure you don’t drop the ball. If you take on the responsibility of wearing the pants in a relationship, you are not allowed to let things fall apart out of neglect.

Done properly, she will have less stress, and both of your lives will be better off for it.

Firstly, please don’t be fooled by the flashy title. I’m not encouraging women to play dumb, be in a ‘housewife’ role, or have no opinions. Being submissive to a man is not about that at all.

I’m also not encouraging women to be submissive all the time – being submissive is just another role that a woman can take up every now and then in her relationship with a high value, masculine man.

The reason I’m talking about being submissive is that it can bring more passion, strength, and life to a healthy relationship if it’s received by a man with love and respect. The key point here is that you need to do this inside a healthy relationship. If you want to know if your relationship is healthy, here are 10 Ultimate Signs of A Healthy Relationship.

1: You both feel like you add value to each other

Now, this doesn’t always have to be 50/50. Because there will be times when one of you is very sick or exhausted or just not in the right space of mind to add value that you normally would to the other person. We don’t always have to look for equality because that can take away from our vulnerability and natural gifts.

2: You both intend the best for each other

In other words, you build each other up. You both genuinely want the best for each other.

Of course, the intent is something that is difficult to measure, but it’s easy to feel if it’s there. So make sure you allow yourself to feel for not just your lover’s intent, but your own good intentions as well.

It’s great to have a playful banter and rivalry in your relationship, but at the end of the day, you want to know that your intention isn’t to suppress or take away confidence, worth, and esteem from your lover.

In other words, you not caught in a cycle of making each other small in order to feel better about yourself.

3: You are willing to face and deal with inevitable conflicts without having to push them down or avoid them altogether

Here’s the truth, in an intimate relationship, conflict is necessary, I repeat, necessary for that relationship to grow. And if the relationship doesn’t grow, it dies!

I know it can sometimes be easy to avoid conflict in order to keep the peace, but that doesn’t work long term. Ultimately the purpose of conflict is for us to understand and appreciate each other at a deeper level.

Men and women are inherently so different, biologically, psychologically, and spiritually.

What makes a relationship healthy is the strength of love that you both grow together AS A RESULT of going through tough conflicts and painfully challenging times together.

Remember this – Love not tested by conflict isn’t worth anything. You wouldn’t know if it’s real or not because it’s never tested. You would not have that sense of certainty.

So face those conflicts, and don’t walk away from your lover, no matter how difficult it may be. I promise you will become stronger, more confident, and resilient as a result.

4: You have no need to keep weapons in the relationship
What do I mean by weapons?

Power trips, guilt trips, shaming, anger, aggression, passive-aggressiveness, words that cut deep.

Now I can understand the use of some of these weapons as a last resort to try to get what you want in a relationship. However, just know that these weapons are always desperate and low-value ways to get what you want.

And they are always only just short term solutions to long term problems.

There are much better ways to go about it. You can inspire something different by adding value first. You can get what you want by adding value first, so much so that it’s reciprocated.

5: You HOLD emotional space for each other

In other words, you don’t consciously or subconsciously invalidate your lover's feelings. The term holding space has become rather popular in the last few years and it just means that you give space in your relationship for each other’s feelings.

You don’t belittle their feelings, you don’t ignore them. And most of all, you don’t try to talk your lover out of their feelings. Feelings are there to be acknowledged, not ignored.

Feelings don’t need to be solved, they need to be felt.
Ultimately our emotions are here to serve us and it’s important for all of us to feel through our emotions. Otherwise, we hold it all in, and eventually, it turns into resentment and comes out one day in a pathological and destructive FIREBALL.

The longer you deny your own anger and hurt, the more you let someone violate your boundaries, the more “damaged” you become, and the less emotionally “healthy” you become. Which in turn, makes you less fit for a truly healthy relationship and a secure attachment.

6: Your relationship is multi-dimensional

It other words, it’s not all about the sweet, ‘light’ energies. You also embrace other parts of yourself. We all have many different parts to us, and it’s important to be aware and appreciate those different parts.

For your relationship to be strong, you need to connect the different parts of you with the different parts of your lover.

So an ultimately healthy relationship isn’t all just full of light feminine energy and light masculine energy… because after a while, that gets really boring. If you’ve ever had boring sex, you know what I’m talking about. In a healthy relationship, we have to also embrace the dark energies that exist inside of every one of us.

And to do that, it’s important to not make any part of yourself wrong or any part of your lover wrong either.

By the way, It’s FINE to feel like you’re not ready for something. That’s totally OK and I hope you don’t do something you’re not ready for.

7: You embrace each other's fears and face them together

In other words, you don’t abandon your lover to face his or her fears alone. You make sure your lover knows that you are in this together and that you can depend on each other to build each other up.

In order to do that, you have to volunteer yourself to be responsible for each other’s feelings, especially fear. Because ultimately a healthy relationship requires both individuals to participate fully. And one person’s fear is going to cripple that process.

You see, we all have deep fears whether we admit it or not. And it’s even more challenging to identify, feel, and respond to a man’s fears because they hold it in much more so than women do most of the time.

So sometimes in order to do this, we need to know our lovers better than they know themselves.

8: You are both emotionally invested in each other’s future

As we mentioned just before, if your relationship isn’t growing, it’s dying. Some relationships die a painful death. Some die of a slower but soul-destroying process.

In order for a healthy relationship to grow, there must be a compelling future. There must be a sense of a greater future head for the relationship, whatever that may be.

In order to grow together, there has to be a level of emotional investment. Emotional investment means that if you win, I win. You’re in it together.

It’s not a game of I win you lose, it’s a game of you win I win.

You want to make sure that neither of you are being treated as a “backup option”. I often see men and women in these situation-ships where one person is devoted to trying to make the relationship work, but the other person doesn’t value the connection or the relationship.

If someone isn’t serious or was never serious about the relationship and is just dabbling around out of convenience, that leaves the other wasting their time and valuable reproductive and emotional resources.

Again, this is where attunement comes in. It is important to be attuned to your partner and where they are at. Attunement is healthy. Blindly trying to keep someone around out of fear of losing them is not necessarily healthy. I mean, it’s definitely not “wrong”, but it’s not really healthy.

Stay attuned to not only yourself and how you feel, but to the person, you are invested in. Feel outside of yourself into them. Feel where they are truly at. Feel whether they are truly emotionally connected to you and emotionally attracted to you.

9: You both know that your first duty is to yourselves

You cannot give to another person if you don’t give that to yourself first. You can’t give strength, joy, and love unless you cultivate it inside of yourself first.

So you need to be adding value to yourself, appreciating yourself, reassuring yourself, and letting yourself know that you are worthy. You have to make it a habit to replenish yourself first, physically, emotionally, spiritually.

In a relationship, if one person continually feels unworthy, the relationship cannot grow! In fact, the state of that relationship will be dragged down for as long as that person feels unworthy.

So perhaps it’s time to tell yourself today: “I appreciate you so much. I appreciate you just for existing. You are a wonderful expression of life and an infinite creation of the universe.”

And most of all, give yourself permission to believe it.

10: You both have a strong sense of identity outside of the relationship

What does that mean? It means that you both have ways to meet your sense of worthiness outside of the relationship so that you’re not both always feeling dependent on the relationship.

So that you’re not always looking to take value from the relationship in order to fill up. Instead, you come into the relationship already filled up.

You see, it doesn’t matter how we want to twist it, every human being has a need for connection. Even the ones who seem like they don’t need it or are very “independent” (people with an avoidance- attachment style, perhaps…)

Every human being also has a need to feel significant….sometimes we try to deal with having these needs by pretending we don’t have them, or pushing them down. But really? The best way to deal with needing to feel important and significant is to meet your needs for significance in several ways – not just within your intimate relationship.

Being submissive is NOT something that you do with an abusive man.

It is just another part of you that you might want to bring out sometimes.

Being submissive – whether in a joking or serious way can awaken the most masculine yet tender character in a man. Submission is almost never about admitting you’re ‘wrong’ or less worthy than a man. Being submissive just allows for a man to feel more like a man around you, and – as a result, have that extra bit of passion.

And, part of being in touch with your femininity is feeling all the different parts of yourself that you can feel in your body – and how to ‘go there’ when you need to. Submission is a part of learning to become more feminine as well.

So, the question of how to be submissive leads me to bring up some things that you will need to understand and therefore be able to be submissive at times.

The ‘how’ will come to you through an understanding of the reason behind it. Our society has encouraged women to keep their guard up, wear masks (instead of being comfortable in their feminine core/essence), be ‘right’ all the time, and be like steel in the face of conflict. That is definitely not how to be submissive at all.

Opening up about submissive relationship

I’ve mentioned it before and I’ll mention it again – that a man really wants his woman to be open to him, and to let him in (emotionally, mentally, sexually, spiritually). The problem with the way we’re educated (or not educated) at school, is that it’s turned a lot of women into these intensely dominating creatures that completely emasculate the men around them.

The problem with this is that in the face of conflict in a relationship (there always IS conflict and always will be, it’s natural and good) women use these steel masks to cover up the natural parts of themselves that would come out when in moments of connectedness with a man.

Women can feel the MOST vulnerable.

As a result, they have to use masks more than anything, to survive in a world that doesn’t honor sensitivity – and that’s sensitivity to how people are treating us, how others feel, and how we feel.

Our society seems to value being socially acceptable. There’s nothing wrong with that – until we’ve practiced it so long that we bring the same need to be ‘acceptable’ and fake in our intimate relationships.

In the face of conflict, a woman can decide to open up to her man and remove the mask. Decisions shape your future, and it’s as simple as making a decision, and focusing on the positives of doing this rather than the comfort of doing things the same way you always have.

Let him in and try to let him take the lead – try to trust him even when it feels unfamiliar.

(Sorry for the generalizations – but for the purpose of this post, they are useful).

The truth is, in general, men are built naturally physically stronger than women.

And, they operate differently to women mentally too (think about a woman’s handbag, and how she magically fits in the contents of an entire HOUSE in it; versus a man who only carries a wallet with a few cards and some money.

Deep down, all women have vulnerabilities and deep fears and feelings of uncertainty, especially in the face of violence.

A trustable man wants you to show him this!

It’s a simple word of ‘I am afraid’ or ‘this scares me.’

Trust

The trends in our society have also led women to become less trusting of men; one feminist even claiming that ‘all men are rapists’. raises eyebrows

But, every day there are men being heroic and standing up for what is right, and protecting and taking care of people.

Being submissive is also about trusting your man enough to let him show you the way sometimes. Many women ask how not to be boring in their relationship. And guess what, this is just one of the ways to not be boring.

And, asking him for help. Or asking him for his opinion, or asking him for solutions.

Many men who are in touch with their masculinity at their core would jump at the chance to help a woman with something – really! It makes him feel needed and useful. Not to mention manly 🙂

So, ask him for help even with the smallest things like bringing the shopping in, opening a jar, carrying something heavy, undoing a knot, etc. Give him trust where you know it is deserved, and do it without question.

The masculine energy wants to be trusted. If you doubt your man all the time, it feels hurtful. It drains from the relationship bank!

He wants to have a good direction to add to your life – to be trustworthy to you, but if there’s a cycle of you not being willing to TRY to trust him, it makes it hard for him to BECOME more trustworthy, as each mistrust is possibly stripping him of hope, as well as stripping him of his trust in you.

Now, this isn’t just about trusting him not to cheat on you. That can be a part of this. However, it’s more about learning to try to trust his direction in life. So, even if you have a man who isn’t very smart, evolved and correct in his direction – you don’t HAVE to pretend he’s right when you know he’s wrong – you just have to behave like a woman who is willing to show that you are open to him even when he is wrong.

For example, your man wants to invest every last cent in a stock that you already know isn’t looking good. Do you tell him he’s WRONG and it’s a horrible decision? Or would you prefer to suggest to him that it makes you feel scared and nervous because of (list reasons)?

As a woman who is learning to give a man the gift of being submissive, of course, you would choose the second option. As it shows you’re willing to TRY to trust him and still be open to him.

Of course, if this is a man who is constantly making bad decisions, you may not want to stay with him long-term, however, the principle of learning to show up more submissive and open in your feminine energy is the same – choose to value openness MORE than cutting him down and emasculating him.

Why?

Because that adds to the connection inside of a relationship, whereas being domineering just takes value from the relationship and ruins the connection.

Question: have you seen men with their little girls/daughters? They don’t want to let ANYTHING hurt their little girl! The same goes for their wife or girlfriend if only she could show a little innocence and submission – looking up to him as the leader.

Innocence is precious. Innocence can also erode with a very high number of sexual partners as well as with the number of bad relationships you have been in. We live in a society that doesn’t value innocence. We are encouraged to do things that basically ruin our innocence from a young age. So, that’s why some women do end up quite jaded – but that can be fixed.

Just imagine the innocence and purity of a happy little girl. A girl who is well-loved and who feels pretty and beautiful. What does her energy feel like? Is she warm or cold? Is she hyperactive or calm? Is she vengeful or vulnerable?

Despite you having a possibly traumatic upbringing, CAN you find it within yourself to connect to an innocent and pure girl within you? As she is your gateway to greater openness and feminine energy.

You see, no high value, masculine man wants to fail at leadership, especially with his woman. And that’s why, if you can give him the gift of feeling successful around you, he will WANT to be around you and he will perceive value by being with you.

Ability to be uncertain

This is where being submissive is especially powerful and strong, on the woman’s part. To be submissive, a woman has to be OK with being uncertain.

She has to let her guard down, peel off the mask and look of ‘steel’ and be free. Just look to your man as a possible source of strength for you when you might need it.

This is incredibly strong on the woman’s part.

A lot of people think that by not trusting people, they are being strong, independent, and smart.

But, where does a lack of trust get us, really?

It gets us a whole world of pain, that’s what it does. We walk around, holding ourselves back, not able to be free and to let go and to fully enjoy what life has to offer, and not able to give people a chance to show their better side (often if you trust someone, they want to please MORE, as I was saying above about not trusting a man and how this can sometimes push him to betrayal).

The happiness and freedom you are able to experience in your life now, and in the future is in DIRECT PROPORTION to the level of UNCERTAINTY you can comfortably handle.

The same goes for your intimate relationship! The quality of your relationship with your man is in direct proportion to the level of uncertainty that you can handle.

Surrendering and Being Submissive

Part of knowing how to be submissive, and knowing that it doesn’t mean you are inferior is understanding that by surrendering to a man’s leadership and strength at times, you allow your relationship to flow, be real and just be free. Without so much pent up anger and negative association that plagues many modern marriages and relationships.

Men can grow to resent a woman who is always fighting to be more significant. Women who always want to be the expert, be dominant, be ‘enough’ – they often struggle in relationships or any sort, let alone with a masculine man.

As the report ‘What Men Think’ reveals, most men who took part in the survey indicated that the most respected and admired a woman who was comfortable with her femininity and able to let her guard down, thereby letting him in: being open to him. Making a man’s role real and worthy.

Also, being able to surrender shows that you have plenty of self-confidence, esteem as a woman (not having to prove yourself and be in CONTROL all the time). You can also be charming when you “surrender” at the right time and to the right person.

The root of our anxiety in a relationship with a man and the root of our conflict with men is not being able to understand them. What men perceive as high value is often very different from what we perceive value in as women. If you want to learn how to add value to men, then check out Understanding Men.

Alright, so I am just going to assume you’re a new sub. You’re a newbie to this whole BDSM lifestyle that’s why you’re here right now reading how you can please your dom. For a beginner, you’re doing well. Kudos to you for doing your homework. The bond that a Dominant and submissive has, isn’t like your ordinary relationship after all. It needs more digging into.

There are way too many misconceptions surrounding BDSM that needs clearing up. Take for example the popular belief that BDSM relationships involve violence and abuse. This isn’t true at all. It’s a false belief that’s been harming the BDSM community for too long. This flawed information needs to fade away soon. The truth is, BDSM relationships involve a lot of trust and mutual consent from both partners. The Dom and the sub just want to create a place of safety where they can both let go of this society’s standards. They just want to be their dominant or submissive selves without any danger of being judged or abused.

How to Please your Dom?

For a sub, finding someone who wants to share that special experience with you isn’t easy. There are a lot of people out there who pretend to be Doms when they are in fact just out to abuse someone. So if you’ve finally found a Master worthy of your servitude, you want to play your role well, and please him in any way you can.

Researching how to serve him with the best quality is one way to show commitment to your Dom. You’re off to a good start and already on the right track to being an exceptional submissive. I am of course willing to steer you further towards pleasing your Dom. So buckle up your seat belts. Or in this case, tighten your restraints, because you’re about to learn how to please your dom

Choose the right Dom

If this is your first time venturing in the BDSM world, you have to do your choose your dom wisely. As we’ve said, there are some people who pretend to be “doms” when they’re not. They’re dangerous people and you might seriously get hurt if you don’t choose well. No one should coerce you into entering the submissive lifestyle. Even if it’s your partner who’s convincing you to do it, you should say no if you don’t want to do it. The decision is entirely yours so choose your dom well. Put to mind that your safety will be in his hands. If you want to enjoy BDSM, you should enter it willingly and through your own choice and yours only.

Call your Dom “Sir” or “Master.”

A name holds power. Calling your Dom “Master”, or “Sir” or whatever name your Dom insists upon is already an act in itself that shows you’re submitting to his demands. A Dom gets off knowing that he has someone who looks up to him for guidance. You are his little pet. You are his to care for, his to command, his to punish, and his to reward. Every time you address him properly, you remind him of the hold he has in you. And nothing pleases your Dom more than to hear his submissive give him her full attention and respect.

Know your Dominant by heart.

Just as your Dom needs to learn about your limits and turn-ons, you as the sub, need to reciprocate that. Get to know your dom. Gather as much information as possible. What are his likes and dislikes? Does he prefer you stand by his side with your head bowed down or does he prefer seeing you down on your knees? Does he like the sound of your screams or does he prefer hearing the sound of your whimpers? Even tiny details like how he wants his coffee, what his favorite color is, and what time he leaves for work, can be of value to you as his sub. It’s a lot easier to please your Dom when you’re actually aware of the things that please him.

Anticipate your Dom’s next move.

If you want to please your Dom, you have to know him well. If you know your Master well enough, you’re going to be conscious of his little quirks and learn to anticipate his next move. Without him telling you, you already know that he wants you to turn on the TV, and switch to his favorite channel. Or that you have to wait for him to finish eating before you start with your food. Or that you’re not allowed to speak until he’s given you permission. This level of compatibility with your Dom takes time to develop. But when you do reach this point, it’s when you truly embrace the joys of relinquishing power over to someone and being of service to him.

When in doubt, ask for permission.

No matter how good you are at anticipating his next move, there’s always going to be a limit to that. You’re not a mind-reader so whenever you’re in doubt of what you’re supposed to do next, ask your Dom what he wants you to do. Do you get home and immediately go upstairs to strip? Or do you leave your clothes at your front door? Can you sit on his lap while he reads you a bedtime story? Are you allowed to masturbate while he’s away? Or are you only allowed to do it when he gets back? Voice out your questions but do so in a respectful manner. Don’t forget you need to address him properly.

It’s different for every couple, but some practice BDSM 24/7. Some have an allotted time for their BDSM play scenes. For couples who do it throughout the day, constantly asking for permission on everything that you can do can be hard to keep up with. It’s better if you can create a set up with your Dom where the boundaries are clearly established.

Learn to read his mood

There are also going to be times when he wants to keep his silence. You have to be really observant to learn when your Dom is in that mood. It’s a bit frustrating for you as a sub because you want attention from your master. Whether it’s him giving you mundane tasks or checking up on you if you’re following his rules. But you need to take into consideration that your Master needs his space every now and then.

A good master though knows never to leave his sub for too long. He’s not going to let you feel like he’s abandoned you. And more often than not, whenever he’s in one of his quiet moods, he’s going to want you close to him. Close but quiet. And if that’s what he wants you to do, stay beside him. Offer him your comforting presence, and patiently wait for his next command. If you want to please your dom, you have to learn how to do this.

Express your submission in words.

Learn to talk the talk. It’s not enough that you’re addressing him with “Master” or “Sir”. You have to show your true devotion to your Dom by using words like “Please, Master”, or “I’m begging you, Sir”, if there’s something you want your Dom to do for you. It’s never a guarantee that your Dom is going to give you what you asked for just because you’re being polite. But it doesn’t hurt to try. And besides, as a sub, the torture of being denied of something by your Dom is pleasurable in itself.

When your Dom does give in and reward you for being such a good slave, you have to show you’re grateful by saying, “Thank you, Master”. Always show your Dom that you appreciate what he does for you. He may be in charge and enjoys having you at his mercy, but he gains his pleasure knowing that his slave is enjoying the reward or the torture he’s dishing out.

Another way of using words to express your complete submission to your Dom is by saying something along the lines of “I’m here to serve you, Master” or “What’s your next command, Sir?”. You’re letting your Dom know that you’re always ready for whatever he wants you to do and you’re not just ready, but you’re also eager to serve him.

Accept your punishment and relish in it.

Your Master creates the rules and you are to follow every single one of them. Failure to do so results in some form of punishment. This is how a Dom disciplines his sub. There are many forms of punishment that your Dom can try. It can be through impact play, where the Master hits the sub’s body with an object. It can also be by tease and denial play, where the Master teases the sub close to orgasm but never letting her finish. Or maybe it can be is through tickle play where the Master stimulates the ticklish parts of the sub. Your Dom takes pleasure in inflicting pain on you but he’s also aware that you’re getting pleasure for every punishment he gives. Let him hear your sounds of agony—both from pain and pleasure, amplifies the satisfaction your Dom receives.

Sometimes a sub acts out just to get attention from her Master. A slight power struggle can make for some great fun spanking but your Dom expects you to be obedient. He’s not going to be pleased at all if you keep trying to get his attention by constantly doing the exact opposite of what he said. If you want your Dom’s attention, follow his rules and you’re going to be rewarded for it.

The takeaway

Pleasing your Dominant is your main goal as a sub. Keep in mind that you want to give your true submission to your Dom because pleasing him pleases you too. If you’re worried that the stuff mentioned here is too advanced for you, you can go slow. It’s totally up to the two of you how much control you’re willing to relinquish and how much the Dominant is willing to take responsibility for. Follow all the tips mentioned here, tweak them to your situation. Before you know it, you’re going to have your Dom’s complete approval. Be rewarded for being such a hardworking slave.

So you’re probably here because you’re thinking about training a sub. You’re a dom and you like to take charge and control things. However, you probably don’t just like the idea of someone following your every command. It’s more about intimacy, isn’t it? Somebody who’s willing to lose herself completely to you and serve you with every inch of herself because she trusts you— completely. It is with this mindset that we desire to train our subs

Why we need to train our subs

So you need to ask yourselves first why do you want to train a sub? What is the goal? What do you want to get out of it? Until you can answer those questions clearly and thoroughly, you shouldn’t go any further. Spend time and consider those questions carefully because there are three major reasons or goals for submissive training:

Skills Development

The first is general skill development. Maybe you want your sub to know how to massage you or cook for you or clean your house. You don’t have to be the actual person to do the training. Especially if you don’t even have any idea how to do it yourself. You can send them elsewhere where other people can do the training for you.

Dom’s Preferences

The second purpose of training is to teach them the things that you prefer. For example, how you like your food prepared. For this one, you can’t send them to training schools because this is something unique to only YOU. Unless you have an alpha slave, it’s you who have to do all the heavy lifting on this one. This is to refine the general skills that they’ve learned. You can send them to a yoga class or ask them to train for a marathon to improve their flexibility, stamina, and endurance but knowing how far apart you want their knees when they’re kneeling requires specialized instruction from you.

Sub’s Personal Goals

This one is primarily for the sub. Maybe there are things that the sub wants to learn or change. It can be a bad habit that she wants to get rid of. Maybe she wants to stay on track on a project that she’s long put on hold. It can be about a diet that she wants to start and maintain. It can also be about helping her make time for a hobby that calms her. These are only some of the things that makes a dom’s relationship with a sub important and special. It’s a common misconception among people outside the BDSM community that doms just want to enslave someone. A true dom cares for his sub and ensures that her desires are also taken care of.

Determining what the sub is getting from the relationship

For outsiders, they can’t quite grasp the idea that someone will be willing enough to lose themselves completely to someone else. But the sub has her own reasons and you must take that into consideration because these factors will determine whether you are in a compatible relationship and whether training is likely to result in a strong, positive relationship. It would also determine the training approach that is most likely to be successful.

So once and for all, what fulfills subs and drives their submission?

Actively serving others—They genuinely want to be of service to someone. They get pleasure from doing things for others like cooking or performing oral sex.

Passive service—things that the subs allow to be done to them for the pleasure or benefit of others, such as getting whipped, getting “used for sex”.
Sub’s independence – They want to act on their own, without the direct intervention or command of the dom.

Selflessness –Pleasing others motivates them

You must not only consider this before continuing the relationship. You must also give proper attention to the training you want to embark on. For example, a person who derives pleasure from being in service does not need to be punished very often. If you are not careful and you punish them a lot or don’t show any facial expression of satisfaction for the things they are doing, they may interpret it as an “undesirable behavior”. As such, they will stop doing that just because you were not careful with the feedback you are sending. You will learn more about this as you read on.

At other times, the sub may get fulfillment, not from the task itself but the control it represents. Getting controlled is getting attention. Subs would occasionally misbehave intentionally to get punishment. Not because they like to get punished but because you will now pay attention to them. This also reminds them of the power you have over them. They need that reminder, or they will seek it from you by acting out. So be proactive about it.

Conditioning your sub

The primary goal in training our subs is to present them with a “stimulus” and have them react the way we prefer. If you’ve heard of Pavlov, then maybe “Classical Conditioning” will ring a bell to you (did you see what I did there?). The simplest way to understand the concept is through Pavlov’s dog. Every time he would feed the dog, he will ring a bell to signal that food is to be given. He did this repeatedly until eventually, even when there is no food, just the ring of the bell would make the dog salivate.

Training a sub is essentially like that. I’m not saying that you need to train your sub to be a dog. What we want is for your sub to react CONSISTENTLY to you. When you issue a command or suggestion, it should be good as done.

A simple translation of this concept to the kink is when you use a particular sex toy. For example, a dildo. If you use it frequently enough, it could elicit a desired sexual arousal response. Or even just a simple command. For example, you say “Spread your legs, slave.” Done correctly, just saying these words could trigger your slave to be wet and execute the command instantly. The command is the stimulus.’

Rewards and Punishments

This is still technically part of conditioning your sub but this is where we will delve even deeper. This is what most people think of when you talk about training a sub. It’s about rewards and punishments. It’s about what the dom does that could encourage or discourage a sub’s behavior. This includes EVERYTHING you do. From your facial expressions, body language to the words you use and the way you talk to them. Everything. Our brains are programmed to pick up on patterns very quickly and adapt to them. That is why it’s important that you must be very careful with using rewards and punishments.

For example, you want to train your sub to say “please” and “thank you” when she wants something. When she wants you to bite her neck, and she doesn’t say “please” like how you commanded her to, you can slap her or whip her. Punishment for her non-compliance with your previous instruction. Eventually, she will learn that if she doesn’t say those magic words, she will be met with negative consequences. As such, she will do it permanently for every request from then on.

Just remember though that punishment isn’t always about a “physical punishment” (i.e slapping, whipping). It can be removing a positive thing that the sub likes. For example, if she failed to do your laundry, you can “punish” her by not letting her orgasm for a whole week. In this instance, you removed something that she desires and would cause her distress.

Furthermore, punishment is not the only way you can reinforce the behavior. This is what rewards are for. There are two kinds of rewards: positive and negative. A positive reward is pretty straightforward. You give the sub a smile or a “good job!”. The negative reward is something like this: for example, you give her nipple clamps. These are very uncomfortable for her. But then you say that if she is good and obedient, you will take it off at night. The reward is the comfort she will feel once you remove the object causing her discomfort.

The important thing to remember in all of this is consistency. Consistent actions which let them know what is expected of them and what they can expect from you is the way to do it. If you make use of rewards and punishments correctly, they will do your command immediately even without explicit directions or reminders. You know you’ve trained your sub effectively when you don’t even have to say a single word out loud about it.

Kinds of Training

Play training is a fantasy roleplay exercise. The real goal is to have a hot fun time. You’re not expected to learn anything. This doesn’t mean it’s not important. Having fun is important in power exchange. Just make sure that both of you are on the same page. For example, if you’re training your sub to be a maid then make it clear that you want them to repeat the training every week or whatever you want them to do.

Preference Training

This one pertains to the training that the dom prefers like the specific etiquette, protocol, or rituals that he likes. For example, a sub might have been trained to wait for permission before eating but her new dom finds it annoying. So she must adapt to the preference of the new dom.

Furthermore, the truth is, as doms, we enjoy preference training and we don’t like it if someone else has done the training for us. For example, it’s nice that the sub has already been trained to bring us coffee every morning. But it is better to have a sub that we ourselves have trained to bring coffee in bed every morning and who did everything exactly according to our preferences. If the sub has already been trained to do what you like, it deprives us of the pleasure of conducting the training ourselves and making it more personalized to suit us.

Skill Training

Skill training is acquiring skills that are useful for the dom like cooking or massage.

Insight Training

This is the kind of training that can help someone become fundamentally better at submission.

Subs are called upon to clearly communicate their boundaries and darkest desires. To remain respectful and obey even when the temptation to do otherwise is great. To be transparent about their most vulnerable feelings and reactions. These things are hard to do. These take self-awareness, discipline, sensitivity, and a strong grasp of intimate communication.

So, the core of submission isn’t about memorizing the rituals or positions. It’s about knowing yourself, managing your emotions, and communicating clearly and compassionately–and those skills can be trained.

6 Don’t forget the aftercare

People who are new to BDSM or are just venturing to BDSM must remember this: domination is not about abuse. The goal is not to force your partner beyond their limits. You might not believe this but the sub is the one really holding the power in the relationship. She’s the one who WILLINGLY gave you control over her because she trusts you. A good dom knows the sub holds the power because she controls brakes.

When a session is over, regardless of how or why it ended, you must spend some time with your sub. Calming, communicating, cuddling, or whatever is available. Your tasks can be tiring, both mentally and physically so you should also set some bonding time to wind down and get some feedback on how to improve on the next round. Build upon every round to get a bit better each time. Because ultimately, it’s not just about how you train your sub but how you improve your relationship with her.

24/7: A relationship in which protocols are in place continuously.

Abrasion: Using something rough (such as sandpaper).

Adult Baby/Diaper Lover (ABDL): Adult babies receive gratification from role-playing an infant (this is known as paraphilic infantilism, a form of ageplay). This can involve submission on the adult baby's part, often to a designated "caregiver", e.g. a daddy dom.

Diaper lovers receive gratification from the wearing and often using diapers. Whilst these two paraphilias are distinct, it is common that a person who enjoys one will also enjoy the other to some degree.

Aftercare: The time after a BDSM scene or play session in which the participants calm down, discuss the previous events and their personal reactions to them, and slowly come back in touch with reality.

BDSM often involves an endorphin high and very intense experience, and failure to engage in proper aftercare can lead to sub drop (See Drop below) as these return to more everyday levels.

In some BDSM relationships, such as D/s, aftercare may involve the Dominant caring for the submissive if physical pain was inflicted, such as applying baby oil to areas that were struck during play.

Auctioned off: Dominant auctions off the slave to the highest bidder (usually supervised and for temporary use).

Bad pain: Good pain and bad pain are terms used lightheartedly by BDSM practitioners, signifying that whilst BDSM may include an element (often quite pronounced) consensual pain, there is a purpose to it, and some pain is consented to and accepted whilst other pain is not.

"Bad pain" is pain which is outside hard limits, non-mutual or non-valued, not wished for, and of limited or no value in this context.

Good pain and bad pain refer to pleasant vs. unpleasant pain. As a "vanilla" example, imagine soreness after a good workout at the gym versus the pain of stubbing your toe. Author Jay Wiseman suggests a correlation between perception of "bad pain" during BDSM play and subsequent injury.

Bastinado: The act of whipping the sub's feet, usually the sub would be tied up to restrict movement as the torture is being inflicted; part of impact play.

BDSM: Bondage/Discipline, Dominance/Submission, Sadism/Masochism: a combined acronym often used as a catchall for anything in the kink scene.

Bondage: Acts involving the physical restraint of a partner. Bondage typically refers to total restraint, however, it can be limited to a particular body part, such as breast bondage.

Bottom: One who receives physical sensation from a top in a scene; the receiving partner.

Breast bondage: The act of tying breasts so that they are either flattened against the chest or so that they bulge.

Breast torture: Torture of the female breasts.

Breath control play: The dominant controls the submissive's breathing.

Butt plug: Much like a dildo, but pear-shaped with a flared base. The flared base prevents the plug from being lost in the anal cavity; the pear shape helps hold the plug in place. They come in a variety of sizes; some can vibrate. Sometimes used in Petplay, with a tail attached.

Chastity: A form of erotic sexual denial or orgasm denial whereby a person is prevented from access to, or stimulation of, their genitals, save at the whim or choice of their partner, usually by means of a device (called a chastity belt or sometimes for men a cock cage) that prevents contact and is controlled by means of a lock by the partner.

Cock and ball torture (CBT): Torture of the male genitals for sexual gratification.

Collared: Submissive or slave who is owned, usually (but certainly not exclusively) in a loving intimate relationship. A dominant may have multiple persons collared.

Also: a pup's status, as differentiated from a "stray".

Collaring: The formal acceptance by a dominant, of a sub's service, or the "ownership" of a pup by a Master or Trainer. Also, the ceremony when a dominant commits to a sub (much like a wedding or other contract).

Consent: Mutual agreement to the terms of a scene or ongoing BDSM relationship.

Consensual non-consensuality: A mutual agreement that within defined limits, consent will be given as read without foreknowledge of the exact actions planned. As such, it is a show of trust and understanding and usually undertaken only by partners who know each other well or otherwise agree to set clear safe limits on their activities.

Contract: A written-out agreement between the dominant and submissive. It can be either formal or non and is usually written after much negotiation by the dominant and the sub, outlining what structure, guidelines, rules, and boundaries to the relationship are agreed upon by the two. It is not legally binding.

DDLG: Daddy Dom/Little Girl, a subset of Dominance and submission. The name of this lifestyle refers to the nurturing relationship between parent/child or teacher/student but does not imply that ageplay is involved.

DM: Dungeon Monitor, a person who supervises the interactions between participants at a play party or dungeons to enforce house rules – essentially, the bouncer of a BDSM event. They sometimes also play cruise director to keep/get the party going.

Dom: A person who exercises control (from dominant-contrast with sub).

Dominant: A person who exercises control – contrast with submissive.

Domme: Woman who exercises control (see also Dominatrix). Often associated with a particular brand of traditional femininity; many younger female dominants prefer to use the nongendered terms dom/dominant.

Drop A feeling of deflation or slight depression that comes after a kinky scene, party, convention, or conference. Usually caused by the removal of positive stimuli and the endorphins they produce either from play or being surrounded by others within the kinky community. It can happen to kinksters of any role.

D/s: Dominance/submission: play or relationships that involve an erotic power exchange.

Dungeon: Usually referring to a room or area with BDSM equipment and play space.

Edgeplay: SM play that involves a chance of harm, either physically or emotionally.
Because the definition of edgeplay is subjective to the specific players (i.e., what is risky for me may not be as risky for you), there is not a universal list of what is included in edgeplay.

However, there are a few forms of play that almost always make the cut, including fireplay, gunplay, rough body play, breath play, and bloodplay.

Sometimes used in reference to erotic sexual denial. (see also chastity).
Electro-Play: The practice of using electrical stimulation to the nerves of the body using a power source (such as a TENS, EMS, Violet wand, or made-for-play units) for purposes of sexual stimulation, body modification, tickling, or torture.

Endorphin rush: Endorphins are the chemicals responsible for the "high" people often get from activities such as sex, or high-risk sports, and is the body's response to heightened or intense experiences of certain kinds. BDSM activities, especially those incorporating a degree of sensation play often cultivate the endorphin rush as part of their "payoff" to the sub.

But also see aftercare for the care needed to ensure that sub drop does not occur afterward as the body returns to normal.

Erotic sexual denial: Keeping another person aroused while delaying or preventing resolution of the feelings, to keep them in a continual state of anticipatory tension and inner conflict, and heightened sensitivity. (see also tease and denial and chastity).

Erotic spanking: The act of spanking another person for the sexual arousal or gratification of either or both parties.

Fetish: A specific obsession or delight in one object or experience.

Figging: Insertion of a piece of peeled ginger root into the anus or vagina.

Financial Domination:(also known as money slavery or findom) is a sexual fetish, in a particular practice of dominance and submission, where a submissive (money slave, finsub, paypig, human ATM, or cash piggy) will give gifts and money to a financial dominant (money mistress, findomme, money domme or cash master).

Fire play: Using fire as an implement of BDSM. This can mean blowing the heat of a light torch onto a bottom, lighting pools of fuel on the bottom's skin, lighting flash cotton on the bottom, and other creative uses of heat.

Cupping is usually considered an offshoot of fireplay, although in sensation it is closer to the use of clips and clamps. Usually considered edgeplay.

Fisting: Inserting a hand into the vagina or rectum.

Genitorture: Torture of the genitals.

Golden showers: Urinating on, or being urinated on by, another person.

Gorean: A subgenre based upon the rituals and practices created within the world of Gor in the erotic novels by John Norman.

Gorean culture is based on stereotypical gender-based roles which are considered by many to be in conflict with BDSM, where there is freedom for either gender to act in any role (Male/Female as either Dom/sub or Top/bottom).

Gunplay: The practice of including actual (or simulated) firearms into a scene.

Handkerchief codes: Visible signs to indicate to others your area of BDSM interest; a color is worn on the left indicates a top, on the right indicates a bottom.

Hard limits: What someone absolutely will not do; non-negotiable (as opposed to "soft limits").

Harem: A group of subs serving one or more dominants.

Hogtie: To tie up a submissive's wrists and ankles, fastening them together
behind their back using physical restraints such as rope or cuffs.

Impact play: Part of sensation play, dealing with the impact such as whips, riding crops, paddles, floggers, etc.

Infantilism: Parent/child or parent/baby role-playing.

K-9 roleplay: Animal roleplay where the animal being roleplayed is a dog.

Kinbaku: Also known as Shibari which literally means "the beauty of tight binding".

Kinbaku is a Japanese style of bondage or BDSM which involves tying up the bottom using simple yet visually intricate patterns, usually with several pieces of thin rope.

Knife play: Slow, methodical sensation of the bottom with the edges and points of knives, usually without cutting the skin. Fear of the weapon plays a large part in the stimulus of the bottom.

Limits: What someone will not participate in (hard limits), or is hesitant to do so (soft limits).

Masochism: Act of receiving pain for sensual/sexual pleasure.

Masochist: A person who enjoys pain, usually sexually.

Master/slave: A consensual relationship in which one person receives control (the Master) when given it by another (the slave) for mutual benefit.

An extreme form of D/s which usually involves a 24/7 relationship rather than a short period of time (a scene or perhaps a weekend.) The slave will usually accept a collar from their Master to show that they are owned.

MDLB: Mommy Domme/Little Boy, the female-led version of DDLG, a subset of Dominance and submission. While this lifestyle may or may not involve ageplay, the name refers to the nurturing relationship of parent/child or teacher/student.

Mummification: Immobilising the body by wrapping it up, usually with multiple layers of tight thin plastic sheeting. Breathing and other safety measures must be appropriately taken care of, often by leaving the face (or at least the mouth and nose) open. Body temperature (maintained to an extent by movement) may also be affected so a warm environment and warm aftercare may be important.

Mummification is often used to enhance a feeling of total bodily helplessness, and incorporated with sensation play.

Munch: A group of people that are into BDSM meeting at a "vanilla" place in street-appropriate attire. Sometimes this is a club. You might see an announcement like, "This weekend's munch is at Denny's".

Needle play: Temporary piercings done with sterile needles of varying gauges, usually only for the duration of a scene.

Nose torture: A traditionally Japanese form of BDSM often involving nose hooks.

OTK: Over the knee (spanking).

Painslut: A person who enjoys receiving a heavy degree of pain but may or may not necessarily enjoy submitting.

Pegging: A sexual practice in which a woman penetrates a man's anus with a strap-on dildo.

Play party: A BDSM event involving many people engaging in scenes.

ProDom: Male professional dominant (charges money).

ProDomme: Female professional dominant (charges money).

Ponygirl or Ponyboy: Sub is dressed in a pony outfit, with mouth bit and anal plug with a tail. They are told to prance or behave like a pony.

Pup-play: Sub is made to act like a puppy. Sub barks, whines, eats from a bowl, etc. Such play is sexual but also focuses on the altered mind-space of bottom/pup and the complete dominance of his/her Trainer/Master.

Pussy torture: Torture of the female genitals for sexual gratification.

RACK – Risk Aware Consensual Kink.

Rape fantasy, ravishment: The pleasurable fantasy of inflicting or being a victim to an act of consensual play-rape.

Rhaphanidosis: Insertion of a piece a radish into the anus.

Rope-bondage: Way to tie someone with ropes. Comes from Japanese kinbaku-bi.

Sadism: The act of inflicting pain.

Sadist: A person who enjoys inflicting pain, usually sexually.

Safe, sane, and consensual – (SSC) a credo used by some BDSM practitioners to determine the appropriateness of BDSM play. Sometimes contrasted to RACK (risk-aware consensual kink).

Safeword – A codeword a bottom can use to force BDSM activity to stop – used especially in scenes that may involve consensual force.

Scat play: Feces play.

Scene: A time period of BDSM activities. Also used to refer to the BDSM community ("the Scene").

Sensation play: BDSM play where the intent is to push people's sensory limits, thus exploring texture, sensory deprival, through to whips, flagellation, and edgeplay.

Service-oriented submission: A person who enjoys performing a service in a sexual or BDSM environment.

Slave: A person (usually submissive) who consensually gives up total control of one or more aspects of their life to another person (their Master).

Soft limits: Something that someone is hesitant to do or is nervous to try. They can sometimes be talked into the activity, or preferably it may be negotiated at a trial or beginner level into a scene.

Sub drop: A physical condition, often with cold- or flu-like symptoms, experienced by a submissive after an intense session of BDSM play. This can last for as long as a week and is best prevented by aftercare immediately after the session.

Submissive, or "sub" for short: Person that gives up control either all the time or for a specified period (not to be confused with "bottom" or "slave").

Subspace: A "natural high" that a sub (or bottom) gets during a scene or when being controlled. The sub may feel disconnected from time, space, and/or their body, and may have limited ability to communicate.

It is critical that a Dom(me)/top take responsibility for the sub/bottom and be aware of their sub's well being if they are in subspace. Long-term dominance and submission relationships without impact play may alternatively define subspace as 'a mental state where the submissive feels a deep emotional resonance or connection with the dom'.

Switch: Someone who likes being both top and bottom, either in one scene or on different occasions.

Taken in hand: 24/7 Male dominance in monogamous marriage, with or without BDSM aspects.

Tease and denial: Keeping another person aroused while delaying or preventing resolution of the feelings, to keep them in a continual state of anticipatory tension and inner conflict, and heightened sensitivity.

Tit torture: The act of causing deliberate physical pain to the breasts and nipples.

TNG: The Next Generation. A tag commonly used by groups and organizations which cater to younger people involved in BDSM typically ages 18–35.

Top: Person "doing the action" (contrast with bottom – the person receiving the action). Not to be confused with Dom which is the person who "puts the scene together".

A male Dom could enjoy CBT and tell a sub what they are to do. In this case, the Top is the submissive (following the direction of the Dom) and the bottom is the Dom (receiving the attention of the top).

Topping from the bottom: A bottom who purports to be a submissive but who nonetheless wants to direct the top.

TPE or Total Power Exchange: A relationship where the dominant or owner has complete authority and influence over the submissive's life, making the majority of decisions.

Training: Either referring to a short period of time, or an ongoing effort of the dominant teaching the submissive how to behave for their own preferences.

Vanilla: Someone who is not into BDSM. Alternatively, sexual behavior which does not encompass BDSM activity. The term is sometimes used in a derogatory sense.

Warm-up: The period at a beginning of a BDSM scene which involves gentle play, allowing the bottom to begin endorphin production, enter subspace, and undergo physiological changes (such as bringing fluids to the surface before impact play) that will accommodate more intense play.

WIITWD: What It Is That We Do. A broad term referring to all forms of alternative sexuality.

Wax play: The top drips hot wax on the bottom.

Some people in the BDSM community begin dominant terms with an upper case, for example, Top, Master, Dom, Domme, etc., as well as to begin submissive terms with a lower case, even were normally incorrect, chiefly in acronyms and abbreviations, such as D/s for Dom/sub. Some extend this to honorifics and capitalization: for example, Master Rob's slave linda may refer to him as Sir and herself as i (or as "this slave", restricted from referring to themselves in the first person). Others are highly dismissive of this "slashy speak."

In addition, high protocol refers to groups or individuals that adhere to strict roles and role-based rules of conduct, whereas low protocol refers to groups or individuals that are more relaxed. Old Guard now usually refers to high protocol groups, particularly gay leather BDSM groups; people who use this phrase may be romanticizing a perception of leather history.

To be a great Dom and have a strong, healthy, relationship it’s imperative to make honesty the focal point of every interaction you have.

The most common reason most relationships, vanilla, and kink alike fail is a lack of honesty. Just about every single movie or TV show with relationship drama could have been completely avoided if the couple had just been honest from outset. Unfortunately, it seems the “only as honest as I need to be” mentality is seen as the standard.

If you want to be a great Dom, you need to make honesty your number one priority.

Honesty is Hard

Honesty is hard and sometimes terrifying. It’s always easier to choose not to tell a partner something you know will upset them. What they don’t know can’t hurt ‘em, right?

This choice runs the risk of turning a small issue into a large one. It risks you losing trust, and can end relationships. No matter how crafty you think you are, the truth has a way of coming out.

It takes bravery to be truly honest. It takes confidence. As a man, especially as a Dom, it is your job to have the balls to step up.

For the Vanillas and the Freaks Alike

While honesty and communication is crucial for all relationships, it’s much easier to avoid it in the vanilla world. The risk seems smaller, and the possibility of getting away withholding seems greater. Despite this, if you’re in a vanilla relationship don’t think you’re exempt.

For those in the BDSM world, honesty and communication are absolutely crucial. It is impossible to play around with a D/s power dynamic, or explore any kink adequately without it. If you are not capable of telling someone you love, or desire, something they should hear, even though it may ruin your chances with them, then you are not qualified to call yourself a Dom.

If you can’t push honesty to its absolute limits you have no place playing around in this world. You will never be great, and you will risk leaving a trail of wrecked, angry, broken subs in your wake.

Integrating Honesty with Dominance

Most good Doms will tell you they are very honest with their subs. And while I’m not saying they’re mistaken, I don’t believe most of them take it far enough. If your goal is just to be a good Dom, then you need to re-evaluate your choices in life. If you’re going to choose to commit to something your goal should be to be great. To be the best possible version of yourself you can possibly be.

In order to have a good scene, a Dom needs to be pushing the limits of their subs. This doesn’t mean they need to be doing anything extreme, or even doing anything they haven’t already done before. It’s about pushing her to the point of full emotional experience. Being put into a state where she is experiencing every moment fully, without her mind being splintered in many different directions.

Some call this subspace, some call it zen, some call it the zone.

In order to do this, a Dom must be paying attention to the current emotional and physical state of their sub. You need to be reading her body language without hesitation or misunderstanding. To do this properly, you need to be able to fully trust the verbal and physical feedback you are getting is entirely accurate. If you’re not operating in a place of pure honesty, this is simply not possible.

Accomplishing this takes more than agreeing to be honest. You need to set the tone and dynamic of your relationship to be built on the idea of honest interactions.

To give you an idea of what I mean when I say many good Dom’s believe they are being honest, but aren’t taking it far enough:

A common rule Doms will give their sub is to always address them as Sir, Master, Daddy, or something of the like. This is a mistake.

If you can’t push honesty to its absolute limits you have no place playing around in this world. You will never be great, and you will risk leaving a trail of wrecked, angry, broken subs in your wake.

Honesty is More than Words

It took me far longer to learn this lesson than I would like to admit. It doesn’t matter if you repeatedly tell a sub something if your actions contradict your words. That is not honesty, it’s barely halfway there.

The most common time people in the BDSM world run into this issue is when it comes to being polyamorous. The man will tell a new crush explicitly that they are poly, and that they see other girls. Despite having reservations about this, most likely because she’s new to the dynamic, she agrees to give it a chance.

Despite having been honest in their words, the Dom will go on to see this girl exclusively, never talk about other girls, other dates, or anything of the sort. He has told her he is poly but has acted entirely monogamously, not wanting to upset her, make her jealous, or whatever other fears he has.

Once the time comes when the Dom finally does go out with another girl or brings it up, serious problems arise. The sub has issues with it, is jealous, is insecure. Despite having been “clear” when you met, the initial stages of the relationship were based on her not experiencing the poly dynamic at all. She made a choice to commit to you, based on the experience you gave her. Changing it entirely on her, on the grounds of “well I said it” isn’t an honest approach.

On the plus side, you will be shocked to find far more often than not the honest approach has the results you hoped for. Telling them what you think they want to hear is always a mistake, always.

Having a woman address you as Sir is a sign of respect. A sign of submission and of a power dynamic hierarchy. You should only ever want to hear this when you deserve their respect. If they do not feel at that moment you deserve to be placed above them, it would be a lie for them to say the words.

On top of this, you want to afford your sub the freedom to choose to break your rules. They will be punished as a result, but that is always their choice to make. But you need to know if they are breaking your rule out of rebellion, or out of lack of respect for your authority. This is one reason you should be very careful when making rules.

Use Honesty as a Weapon

Honesty doesn’t have to be all hard work. It’s the best weapon for any man, but especially those who aren’t extremely confident being vocal while in a scene. Many men are quiet during sex or don’t know what to say, causing them to resort to repeating lines from the past, or sounding like an actor in some porno from the early ’90s.

Instead of stressing about what to say, just lean on honesty. When you have the notion to say something but aren’t sure what, stop thinking and say the absolute most honest thing you can possibly think of at that moment.

Instead of saying “yeah baby, suck it”, you’ll have more effect blurting out your most honest thoughts “you look so unbelievably sexy right now on your knees. I can’t wait to watch you gag on my dick.”

You’re typically having to ignore these thoughts to try and think of something to say. Instead, just say what’s on your mind “oh my god I can’t believe you’re here in my bed. I have jerked off thinking about this moment for months.”

Honesty is hot. And when your words come from a place of honesty, they will be heard and accepted. No girl has ever been impressed by hearing a man tell her she looks hot. But she will find herself smiling about that guy who told her he had to come over to tell her she’s the prettiest thing he has seen all day.

One Last Tip

In an article Words Matter, Speak with Purpose, they talked about the power of words, and the importance of choosing the best words for the situation. This may seem to be at odds with the honesty approach, but they actually join together beautifully.

A good Dom is always prepared. Part of this preparation can be planning wordings for future use. Here’s how it works:

You know of a scenario that will be happening to you in the near future.
You know from experience how you will likely be feeling at that moment.
You can plan a powerful grouping of words fitting that feeling you anticipate.
When the moment comes, and you feel as you had anticipated, you can deliver your planned wording with full honesty at the moment.

The catch is your planning will go entirely to waste if you don’t encounter the situation, or feel differently than you had anticipated when it comes. Don’t worry about it, just abandon the plan and default back to honesty instead.

If you make it a point to make your interactions with your subs, and potential new subs, you will see a marked improvement in the quality of your relationships and your skills as a Dom.

It’s scary, but it’s easier than you think, and it will benefit every single person, regardless of circumstance.

by domcoaching