How To Be A Dom

For those who are new to the BDSM lifestyle, certain things can happen that you do not understand until too late. One is subspace.

Subspace is the state of mind that a submissive who is so engrossed in a scene that they start to lose themselves gets into.

I can only describe it as akin to being drunk. You forget the pain, the problems, all your cares seem to drift away while you're in this state. It's a state of mind that impairs rational thought and decision-making skills. It's a state that needs to be monitored carefully for all involved.

If a scene is shared between two people who have explicit trust and a total power exchange, the submissive feels free enough to put themselves into their Dominant's hands completely.

If a submissive goes far enough into subspace, they could injure themselves without knowing it. If the Dominant doesn't understand the dangers of subspace, it's even more dangerous for the submissive.

A submissive that goes deeply into subspace will often need to have the Dominant keep a close eye on them so that they aren't putting him or herself in danger, making sure that after the scene they are cared for. (Aftercare)

For instance, during or after an intense beating scene, a submissive in subspace can often beg for more, not knowing that they could be harmed physically by it.

The dominant needs to ensure that the submissive comes down from the endorphin high slowly, carefully cared for so that they don't come down all at once.

Dominants can pull a submissive to such a level of subspace that it can produce a state of complete incoherence due to the increase of hormonal and chemical reactions within the body.

The submissive starts to feel detached from reality, leaving them unaware of the dangers they are facing.

As the high comes down, the parasympathetic nervous system starts to come into play, leaving behind a state of complete exhaustion, as well as incoherence. Many submissive’s once reaching certain levels of subspace, can lose all awareness of the amount of pain that they are in, causing any new pain stimulus to prolong the time that they are within subspace.

What can a Dominant do to care for their submissive and make sure they come down from subspace safely?

Allowing the submissive to rest is usually the best choice. It lets them come down at their own pace, naturally, while refreshing them for anything else that they need to do that day. If allowing them to sleep isn't possible, then giving them chocolate will help as well, since it releases the endorphins quicker.

The dominant must always remember that when a submissive is in subspace, they may not want to come down from it, since it is a feeling of bliss that they don't want to lose. It's the dominant's responsibility to make sure that the submissive comes down safely.

Being aware of the risks that are involved in any scene will prepare a dominant to care for the submissive, keeping them safe and happy. Awareness of all the aspects before, during, and after a scene keeps the scene from crossing the thin line that lies between BDSM and abuse. SUBS BE AWARE OF FAKE DOMS. YOUR SAFETY DEPENDS ON IT.

What is the difference between rules & protocols?

 Rules are absolutes for which failure has consequences
 Protocols or “Devotions” are acts of commitment that are expected

You can” Start by answering a few questions for yourself as the dominant:

1. What level of “supervision” do I want to enforce in the relationship?
2. Do you want to enforce rules that pertain solely to the submissive training, or do you want them to be “lifestyle” in their context?
3. Is the submissive already “submissive to YOU or do you need to enforce rules to correct “wilfulness”

Rules “can” teach Master/Dominants' “preferences” to the submissive
Rules “can” modify a submissive's typical action to meet the Dominant's desires

A wilful submissive must first conquer “themselves” before you can conquer them. A dominant can help by enforcing rules that will highlight the submissive’s wilfulness to themselves

4. How important is the submissive's “growth” as a submissive to you?

By establishing rules that help a submissive grow both as a person and as a submissive, a heart can help them improve their value to you by becoming more precise and intuitive in their service, as well as more fulfilled in this lifestyle.
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Once you gain an understanding of what the rules you establish are trying to accomplish, the next step is to “draft” a set of rules:
In drafting a set of rules, it is helpful to break the rules into categories of rules:

Rule Categories:

1. Relationship Rules
2. Imagery Rules
3. Sex rules
4. Internal Interactions
5. External Interactions
6. Household Rules

Relationship rules include:
• How questions will be asked
• What freedoms the submissive will enjoy
• How conflict within the relationship will be dealt with and resolved

Imagery Rules Include:
• Dress, clothing, symbols (collars, cuffs, etc.)
• Body Decoration
• Physical Attributes, cleanliness, hair, make-up, diet, etc
• Body Modification

Sexual Rules include:
• When, How, Where
• Who can initiate
• Restrictions (orgasm, masturbation, etc.)
• Incorporating others

Internal Interaction Rules include:
• Personal Freedoms (when to eat, speech, bathroom, movement, etc)
• Supervision of Actions
• Permissible actions,
• Speech Rules (How to talk, appropriate references, appropriate conversation, etc)

External Interactions include:
• Vanilla Rules
• Scene Rules

Household Rules include:
• Permissible location
• Where and how to sit, stand, sleep, etc
• Chore Responsibilities (Laundry, Cleaning, Cooking, Valet, etc.)
• Entertainment Responsibility (Organizing, coordinating, etc.)
• Money

Once you have come up with your own set of rules, it is time for you to sit down with your sub and discuss/negotiate them.

Then go through a trial period.
• Try them out both for the dominants' as well as the submissives' sake.
• Perhaps a rule creates more “work” than the dominants want to be responsible for.

How to enforce rules in a “consensual” relationship
• Physical vs. non-physical enforcement
• What is discipline versus punishment
o Discipline “teaches” corrective action
o Punishment corrects wilful disobedience
• Types of Discipline
• Physical Punishment effective or not?
o Confusion with Play OR can Ruin the fun of Good Fun Play

How and when relationships should take a step back and review what they have put into place, and just whose responsibility it is to do so in a D/s relationship.

o Warning signs:
o Submissive withdrawing
o Lack of communication
o Loss of Self-Motivation

Responsibility lies with BOTH.

A submissive/slave is less likely to want to bring it up for fear of displeasure.
How to make sure each person is getting what they want out of the relationship without breaking or violating the power exchange.

Don’t settle for everything is alright
Rules & Protocols are a way to keep continual training/reminders, and motivation going.

First Rule - a clear, open line of communication needs to be established & kept open at all times.

Be clear & concise on what you need to feed both of your minds and souls.
Establishing rules & protocols together gives both of you a starting point to grow from.

To live a D/s relationship, the life of a slave to me is not based on the romantic notion that the Master keeps her locked up or in chains with no say at all.
It is a relationship built on trust. Allowing her to live in an inescapable emotional state, which allows her to consensually live as more than Master's property.

Rules/Protocols and Devotions are all part of slave training ..which involves more than just modifying a slave's behaviour. The slave's emotions, self-image, and thoughts are all a part of training and have to be given equal consideration
As relationships grow, the Rules/ Protocols will reflect on each situation that arises.

At that point, sitting down to review your set of Rules/Protocols is advised. Some will still hold their meaning to both of you, and some may need to be modified.
Remember that even though the slave is your property, she is also a human being, with complexities and her own mind.

Being a slave in a 24/7 Total Power Exchange does not mean she does not have a voice. She should be encouraged to ask for what she needs to continue her growth. Ask for time-outs and/or down times. When something is not clear .. ask for guidance in the matter ..

Rules/Protocols are a guideline to enhancing the Master/slave Relationship..

Submission comes in many forms. The sexual submissive, the SAM (Smart Ass Masochist), the slave, the bottom that thinks they are a submissive, and the submissive that thinks they are a slave. No matter what one calls themselves or what brand of submission they practice, there is one thing that remains a constant within the great circle of Dominance and submission; it’s the submissive’s bottom, which lies bared and blushed for all the world to see. It is the submissive who is tied to the bed, cuffed to the St. Andrews cross, suspended from the ceiling, and at the business end of the single tail. Hence, it is the submissive that suffers whenever there is inexperience, negligence, incompetence, skullduggery, or just a freak accident.

Furthermore, it is this vulnerability that many submissives crave. Given the aforementioned facts and the need for submissives to be happy, healthy, and safe, I pose this question: what can a submissive do to satisfy their need to submit while also addressing the need for physical, emotional, and intellectual security?

Just as my previous article, Standards For Dominance, speaks to the fact that there are no established guidelines for dominant behavior on which the majority of “safe sane” members of our community agree, neither are there guidelines for submissives to refer to before agreeing to submit.

I am in no position to prescribe methods by which to submit, as I have yet to submit myself. I offer these humble suggestions with my only credential being that I have been and ever shall be a Dominant advocate for submissives. I have saved submissives from dangerous scenes in dungeons (and been thanked profusely for it) I have defended submissives in chat rooms, and I have written numerous articles about submissive rights. While I have never “submitted,” I have bottomed on countless occasions, garnering respect and empathy for those without whom dominance is moot.

I would like to preface the following comments by acknowledging the submissive whose sole goal in their lives is to please and obey their Mistress/Master/Dominant with no regard for their personal choices, needs, or feelings. With all respect for that choice, this article is written for the submissive who requires the terms of their submission to include provisions for his or her mental, physical, and emotional health, well-being, and happiness.

In my humble opinion, the tenets of safe submission are these:

Know yourself and articulate what you want
Don’t settle
Have a formal agreement
Get out of the relationship if your agreement is breached.

The reason that what we do is referred to as power exchange” is that each party should get something out of the arrangement. To know yourself and be able to articulate what you want is the first step to ensuring that you are happy with what you get, assuming that is your goal. A submissive must know what makes them want to submit, under what terms they will submit, and what qualities they look for in a Dominant to whom they will submit.

The submissive who has not asked and answered the questions why, under what terms, and to whom, is not yet ready to be in a D/s relationship. This submissive is destined to be a victim of their own ignorance of themselves. Furthermore, if you ask yourself why you want to submit and the answer is that you don’t like yourself, you have low self-esteem, or you need to be punished for wrongs you have committed in your past, this does not constitute a need to submit. These answers are indicative of someone who requires professional therapy before they are ready to consider the D/s lifestyle.

It is important to know what to look for and expect from a Dominant. In the article Standards For Dominance, I cite the tenets of Dominance as these:

Honor (and respect)
Knowledge, both of the lifestyle and of any submissives
Responsibility

Detailed explanations of these qualities as they refer to Dominants are offered in the aforementioned article. In my opinion, these are the bare minimum personality traits required to be a good Dominant. If a potential Dominant is weak in any or all of these essential Dominant traits, no amount of love, service, devotion, or nurturing can change this. If a submissive settles for a Dominant lacking in these areas, they are jeopardizing their physical and emotional wellbeing to do so.

Many of the submissives with whom I am acquainted express a need, a hunger to submit to another’s will, to serve, to please, and to acquiesce to domination. These are fine qualities in a submissive to be sure, unless this need drives them to pursue being dominated beyond reason and intuition. When Dominants and submissives meet, there is a tendency for them to assume their natural roles. Many submissives start to submit right from the beginning. If the submissive has begun to submit before there is an agreement in place, it becomes difficult for the submissive to advocate for themselves when building the parameters for their D/s relationship.

Submission is an extremely fluid concept. The submissive who simply submits without knowing what constitutes submission in the mind of the potential Dominant and does not define boundaries and limitations that ensure their physical and emotional well-being has given away their power and is left with nothing to exchange.

Dominants, like most humans, value that which is earned, and possessions obtained easily are deemed of lesser value. The mistake many submissives make is believing that submission equals powerlessness in the eyes of a Dominant. There is a difference between being powerless and power exchange.

It is the insecure or nefarious Dominant that wants their submissives to be powerless. As a Dominant, I want my submissives to be as powerful as they can possibly be. This makes the gift of their power more valuable and makes us formidable as a unit. A Dominant’s “job” is to give a submissive a secure place to express themselves as a submissive. A truly fine Dominant will help their submissive be more powerful in the other sections of his or her life.

It is important for a submissive to remember that they are not a Dominant’s submissive, subject to their will, until they have agreed to be so. BEFORE a submissive agrees to submit, they need to know exactly what they are getting into. The parameters of the relationship need to be defined, and the submissive’s needs, wants, hopes, desires, and hard and soft limits must be clearly stated.

Somehow, the rumor got started that when things are “right” the other person “just knows” what someone wants. This is bullshit of the first order! If you have not told someone what you need and you don’t get it…It’s your fault. There is no need for this to be a confrontational or adversarial process. A submissive can express their requirements with respectful passion, and a good Dominant is one who understands their responsibilities for a submissive’s safety, well-being, training, and pleasure (See Standards for Dominance)for details on the responsibilities of Dominants. needs this information to execute these responsibilities.

Many D/s couples negotiate terms and sign a formal written contract to formalize the process. This contract has no “legal” bearing whatsoever. It is in place to remind the partners of what they agreed to do. Done correctly this can be a bonding experience as it symbolizes a commitment.

Obviously, there are many forms of D/s relationships that are less formal. Certainly, partners can deepen and strengthen their commitment in stages or not at all. In any care what partners expect from one another, whether it is for a single scene or a lifetime commitment, must have defined parameters. It is these parameters that give a submissive the power to choose the general direction of their submission. Once an agreement is struck the submissive can submit freely leaving the details of how they arrive at a destination to their honorable, knowledgeable, and responsible Dominant.

I see the words “A submissive is not a doormat” constantly. But only when submissives don’t act like doormats do these high-minded words have teeth. If a “Dominant” is not honorable, knowledgeable, and responsible, if they do not respect your agreements and you remain in that situation, you are acting like a doormat and you will continue to be treated as such.

The great circle that is Dominance and submission requires both in tandem to be more than just an idea, but a lifestyle. When D/s players work in tandem, they can build a healthy, happy existence for all concerned. The good Dominant respects and values the submissive who respects and values themselves. It is this respect and value of your own submission that is the essence of the power that you exchange. Cherish and nurture your submissive power and give it only to those who earn this precious gift.

I am "Diamond," a 65-year-old black man who has been in the lifestyle seems like forever. I write about my life and the things I have done. Now I am a Kinky MF. Some people want to call me a freak, but I am not. For those who don't know the difference kinky is a guy who will fuck a chicken a freak is a guy who will fuck a chicken, take it home, kill it cook it, and then eat it.

LOL, at least that's what I have been told, OK. One thing I have found to be true there are very few couples that are willing to live out their fantasies in real life and even fewer men with the balls to mention to their wives that they want to see them fuck other men but for the few that do we bulls salute you now, back to what we are all here for.

I love the internet... where else can I find a husband that wants a black man to treat his wife like a nasty slut? I responded to the online ad... met him at a local bar in his... late 30s... a city gov't worker... married 12 yrs to "Dot... we drank... talked... found out what it is he was looking for... what she was looking for... she was also in late 30's... blonde... long legs... wanted to have sex with a black man in front of hubby... he liked her to dress in heels... stockings... typical slutty attire...

"Treat her nasty... she likes it... no pain... just give her a good fucking"

I left with directions to their house as well as an invitation for me for Friday night... I drove to their house... excited... happy... planning on what was about to happen... I pulled into the driveway... shut off the car... walked to the door and knocked on it... Ed answered it... shook my hand... let me in... from the hallway I saw her... dressed in a short skirt... high heels... white blouse... looking very good...

"Diamond, this is Dot."... she extended her hand... I took it... all the time looking her up and down... Ed left to get me a drink as his wife and I sat on the couch... we talked... Ed returned with our drinks... then excused himself from the room... on the way out... he dimmed the lights...

After a couple of sips of my drink... I leaned over to kiss Mrs... she met me with an open mouth and wet tongue... my hands slid up her skirt to find a shaved... bald... wet pussy... her legs opened wider... I asked her what she wanted... she didn't say anything... I stood up... undid my belt... unzipped my zipper and pulled out my semi-hard black dick... "Is this what you had in mind?" She answered by leaning fwd... opening her mouth and filling it with my dick...

About this time Ed walked in... she stopped... looked over at him... I said, "Don't look over there... "grabbed her head and put my dick back in her mouth... "right there... that's where it belongs"... then stood above Dot and had my dick sucked while hubby stood back and watched... I laid her on the couch... One leg over the back... The other over my arm... Looking directly into her eyes... Seeing she was so wet and ready... I aimed my now solid... swollen... hard... throbbing dick at the lips of her pussy... For the record... Nothing gets my dick harder than when another man is watching me fuck his wife better... Deeper than he can...

I pushed the fat head past her pussy lips... Her eyes widened... Mouth opened and a moan escaped... "That's right... my pussy now"... Deeper and deeper I worked my way in... All the time knowing hubby was six feet away...

"Grab your knees,"... I told her... She did, and I buried my dick... Balls deep till she was stretched wide and filled deep with black dick... She was wet... sloppy... juicy... I pumped her slow and steady so she could feel every vein on my dick...

I flipped her on her hands and knees... Looking directly at her husband sitting in his chair... I grabbed her ass... Held it wide open then pushed my dick into her body, only stopping when my hips met hers... Rolling them to make sure she got every single black inch in her... Then I fucked her hard and deep... looking at her pussy trying to break my dick off in her... Then looking at her husband's reactions... Pounding her pussy...

When I was ready to cum... I pulled out... Stood up... Sat her on the edge of the couch... Made her look at me while I jerked off... "stick out your tongue"... Then I blew my load all over it... It ran down her chin... To her tits... I rubbed my dick on her lips... I sat down... Ed grabbed her... Led her to their bedroom... closed the door...

Later, I found out that he liked to clean up my mess...

Not bad for a first date... There were more...

My girlfriend was a beautiful blonde ex-model from Texas, Blues, and a body that would not quit. Baby was hot. I also shared her I told her that morning that today was the day she would be fucking another dick and I would walk her threw it since this was her first time. After a couple of quiet hours, she came up to me without saying a word and took my hand, and placed down her panties to show me how wet she was, and said that it was the only thing she could think of all morning. Knowing how excited she was gave me an instant erection, and I think I walked around with it the rest of the day.

After I got home that afternoon, we got ready and drove the 50 miles to meet Sam. We went to a bar across the street from the motel to join him for a couple of drinks with no definite commitment of doing anything else from us to him. Julie was going to do as I said, so I would be making that call.

After a few drinks, we all relaxed and I could tell that Julie was enjoying his company and was even feeling Sam up as was Sam to her. I then decided this had to go further.

On my suggestion, Julie did not hesitate to agree to go to the room. Once there, the two of them exchanged a few kisses while I rubbed Julie’s neck and shoulders from behind. When they finished, I slowly undid her blouse and pulled it away, exposing her breasts and hard nipples. Wasting not a moment, I took her left breast into my mouth and I invited Sam to take the other.

With both our mouths and tongues working on her breasts, her knees began to buckle so I helped her to the bed, and things quickly progressed from there.

We both took turns eating and licking her already-drenched pussy. First, Sam got undressed, and then Sam took a turn while I got undressed. As Sam approached the bed, I could see, and Julie could definitely see, that he was a good bit larger than I am. From what he had told me earlier about 10 1/2 inches and very thick compared to my 8 1/2 inches.

I watched as Julie’s gaze fixed on his dick when he got back on the bed with us. It did not take her hand long to find his dick. I thought I was going to explode right then and there to see my innocent new girlfriend hold another man’s engorged dick in her hand and stroke it and fondle it

Eventually, after quite a bit of tit sucking and pussy licking, she voraciously devoured his dick, working up and down his thick shaft with her lips and tongue. He had to beg her to slow down because he wanted to last longer. When she told Sam that she wanted that gorgeous dick in her and she wanted him to, and I quote, “fuck me with that dick,” I lost it. I shot my cum all over the place, and I had not even touched myself. I so enjoy introducing the new women in my life to this lifestyle and having them fuck for my pleasure.

I stood back in amazement as he effortlessly slid the whole length of his dick in her in one slow thrust. Just as his balls were touching her ass, she winced with a little pain, but she encouraged him not to stop. He did not. In just a few strokes, he was pounding my beautiful girlfriend’s pussy with his thick, hard dick.

As I watched, I noticed that my dick had never lost its erection. I was too excited by what I was witnessing. After fucking her for a few minutes, he asked me to take her for a while. When I entered her, I could feel the heat from his dick still there and the fact that her pussy had stretched to accommodate his girth. I shot a second load this time inside her.

As soon as I pulled out of her, she had him on the bed and was on top of him, riding his dick like there was no tomorrow.

After he had filled her pussy with cum twice, and she had had her 6 or 8 orgasms. We all lay around naked for a while with Julie’s hand on his dick the entire time.

Later, when Julie and I got home that night, we screwed each other several times throughout the night. It was a way of life for me, and fantasy cum true for her.

As I stated, I am now 65 years old and still a single black bull. I am still looking for a new girlfriend to bring into the lifestyle, hotwives, and couples to help make their fantasy come true.

My biggest turn-on is when a husband gets a room for his wife and me and leaves us to do what we do, and we send him photos and vids all night, knowing he is jacking off to me, pleasing his wife. So you must ask yourself, is this guy a cuckold or a bull? I say I am just a freaky MF and leave it at that. Los Angeles is my playground. Would you like to play?

Well, if you really want to know, I will tell you we all were young once. The reason wisdom comes with age is that you have to live life to understand life. I have seen so many 18-20 year olds talking about how they are Dom's child, please, they have no Idea what a Dom is. It takes years of training to be a true Dom, and you have to train under a Master Dom. They are just in it for the sex, which should be the bonus, not the prize. The danger in this is that they ruin what might have been a good sub.

They have no idea how to read a sub or aftercare, or when to back off before you hurt a sub. I have seen young 18-year-old girls who are asking to be slaves; they have no idea what that means, they have never served as subs, yet they are talking about being slaves. BDSM is not a game; it is a lifestyle. Young people get into it for the sex, but they skip all the training that it takes to learn what makes it work.

Just so you understand, take cuckolding, I have seen couples who want to do it online, how in the hell can a Bull cuckold you online when the most important tenet of cuckolding is him fucking your wife or girlfriend. Or guys that want to be cuckolds without a wife or gf, they just want to watch someone else fuck, that is not cuckolding, it's voyeurism, it has to be your wife or girlfriend, not some random people, how else can you feel the emotions that a true cuck has to feel.

Please don't let me forget the sugarbabies or the subs that want a Dom to pay their way. A true Dom doesn't pay your way; he teaches you how to make your way. He shows you how to overcome the things that are holding you back in life, pushes you forward, and disciplines you when you need to be shown motivation. His job is to help you be the best you that you can be, but he can only do this if you believe he/she has your best interest at heart, so choose well, there are many fake Doms here just for the sex. If you have a Dom and he hasn't taught you how to make your life better, fake Dom run. A TRUE DOM IS A TEACHER. Not just in it for the sex, again, that is the bonus, not the prize

Sorry, this is so long, but after being in this lifestyle for over forty years, I hate that young people are not honoring the traditions that have made this a lifestyle. As for the sex, you will learn much more than you ever will with random people, find a real Dom or Domme be a student a sub learn to serve before you can be served, If you do it the right way the lifestyle will endore, but if it continues this way, it will just be a meat market.

Give Yourself Completely

I, a humble servant, surrender all control and autonomy to my superior. I acknowledge that my body, mind, and life are theirs to command, and I relinquish all claims to personal agency and decision-making. I will obey every instruction, no matter how trivial or monumental, unless to do so would injure me or another. My superior’s will is my law, and I will not resist or protest their decisions, even if they contradict my own desires or well-being. I understand that my purpose is to serve, and I will submit to their authority in all aspects of my existence.

Introduction

“Total Surrender” is a profound rule within a BDSM dynamic, where the Submissive relinquishes complete control to their Dominant. This rule embodies the essence of submission, allowing the Dominant to assume full authority over the Submissive’s actions, decisions, and body. It is a journey into deep trust, vulnerability, and the exploration of power exchange that heightens the sexual and emotional connection between partners.

Benefits of Total Power Exchange

For the Dominant:

Absolute Control: Fulfills the desire to exert complete dominance.
Enhanced Intimacy: Deepens emotional bonds through trust and vulnerability.
Customization: Allows the Dominant to shape the Submissive’s behavior and experiences.
Sexual Fulfillment: Facilitates exploration of fantasies and kinks without restriction.
Empowerment: Affirms the Dominant’s role and authority within the relationship.

For the Submissive:

Deep Submission: Embraces complete surrender, fulfilling submissive desires.
Trust Building: Strengthens trust by relying entirely on the Dominant’s guidance.
Freedom from Responsibility: Releases the burden of decision-making.
Exploration: Opens avenues to discover new pleasures and limits.
Emotional Connection: Intensifies the bond through vulnerability and reliance.

When to Implement the Total Surrender

Agreed Upon Periods: Implement during specific times, such as weekends or designated days.
Full-Time Dynamics: For those engaged in 24/7 power exchange relationships.
Scenes or Sessions: Apply the rule during BDSM scenes for intense experiences.
Training Phases: Use to deepen the Submissive’s submission during training.

How to Implement the Total Surrender Rule

Communication and Consent:

The Dominant details the scope of control and any specific requirements. Have an extensive discussion about expectations, boundaries, and desires. Obtain explicit, enthusiastic consent from both parties.

Define Limits: Establish hard and soft limits to ensure safety and comfort:

In the intricate dance of BDSM relationships, establishing and respecting limits and boundaries is fundamental to fostering trust, safety, and mutual satisfaction between Dominant and Submissive. Understanding the distinctions between hard and soft limits, and effectively communicating them, ensures that both partners can explore their desires without fear of harm. This comprehensive guide delves into the importance of setting limits, the methods of communication, and the role of safewords in maintaining a healthy BDSM dynamic.

Understanding Limits and Boundaries

Hard Limits:

Hard limits are non-negotiable boundaries that, if crossed, can cause significant social, economic, spiritual, emotional, or physical damage to the Submissive. These are activities or behaviors that one party unequivocally refuses to engage in under any circumstances. Respecting hard limits is paramount, as violating them breaches the foundation of trust and consent essential in BDSM relationships.

Examples of Hard Limits:

Activities that cause severe physical harm.
Trafficking or illegal activities.
Any form of exploitation or abuse.
Actions that deeply conflict with personal or spiritual beliefs.
Things that cause significant distress, such as things that will cause extreme disgust.

Soft Limits:

Soft limits refer to activities that Submissive may not initially enjoy but is willing to explore under specific conditions. These boundaries are flexible and can be gradually pushed to expand comfort zones, provided there is mutual consent and a clear understanding of the process. Soft limits require careful handling, as they involve navigating areas of uncertainty and potential discomfort.

Examples of Soft Limits:

Trying new sensory experiences.
Engaging in role-play scenarios.
Experimenting with different types of restraints.

Communication of Limits and Boundaries

How to Communicate:

Effective communication is the cornerstone of establishing and maintaining limits in BDSM relationships. Both Dominant and Submissive must engage in open, honest, and ongoing dialogues to ensure that each party’s boundaries are clearly understood and respected.

Key Communication Strategies:

Pre-Scene Negotiation: Before engaging in any BDSM activity, discuss interests, limits, safe words, and aftercare needs.
Active Listening: Ensure that both partners actively listen and acknowledge each other’s boundaries without judgment.
Non-Verbal Cues: Pay attention to body language and other non-verbal signals that may indicate discomfort or hesitation.

Written Communication

Benefits of Written Agreements:

Clarity: Reduces ambiguity by clearly outlining what is acceptable and what is not.
Accountability: Holds both partners accountable to the agreed-upon limits.
Review and Revisit: Allows for periodic reviews and updates as the relationship evolves.

Regular Reassessment

Limits and boundaries are not static; they can change as Dominant and Submissive grow and explore new aspects of their BDSM dynamic. Regularly reassessing and revisiting these boundaries ensures that they remain relevant and respected.

How to Reassess Limits:

Schedule regular check-ins to discuss any changes in desires or comfort levels.
Encourage honest feedback and be willing to adjust boundaries as needed.
Address any concerns or issues promptly to maintain a healthy dynamic.

The Role of Safe Words

Safe words are essential tools for maintaining safety and consent in BDSM play. They provide an unequivocal way for the Submissive to communicate their need to pause or stop an activity, ensuring that both partners can navigate their desires without crossing critical boundaries.

Key Points About Safe Words:

Clarity: Safe words must be easily understood and unambiguous.
Consistency: Both partners should remember and respect the agreed-upon safe words at all times.
Immediate Action: Upon hearing a safe word, the Dominant must immediately cease all activities and address the Submissive’s needs.

Dominant’s Responsibilities:

Dominant’s Key Responsibilities:

Respect Hard Limits: Never engage in activities that cross Submissive’s hard limits.
Gentle Exploration: Carefully and consensually explore soft limits, maintaining open communication throughout.
Continuous Support: Provide emotional and physical support, especially when boundaries are being navigated.

Submissive’s Role

Submissive’s Key Responsibilities:

Clear Communication: Clearly articulate your hard and soft limits to your Dominant.
Honest Feedback: Provide honest feedback during and after scenes to help Dominant understand your needs.
Assert Boundaries: Use safewords or other agreed-upon signals to assert your limits if necessary.

Safety Considerations

Maintaining safety in BDSM relationships goes beyond respecting limits. It involves a comprehensive understanding of risk management, proper use of equipment, and ensuring the physical and emotional well-being of both Dominant and Submissive.

Essential Safety Practices:

Educate Yourself: Learn about the risks and safety measures associated with different BDSM activities.
Use Safe Equipment: Ensure that all tools and implements are safe and appropriate for the intended activities.
Monitor Well-being: Continuously check in with Submissive to ensure their comfort and safety during scenes.
Aftercare: Provide appropriate aftercare to help both partners recover emotionally and physically from intense sessions.

This is written open-ended so that you can fill in what it means to you I can't do that because we are all different so what it means to me might not be what it means to you. There is a frame work you do the rest.

Dominance 

Dominance revolves around the exercise of control and authority by one partner, the Dominant, over the other, the Submissive. This dynamic is characterized by the Dominant's leadership, guidance, and decision-making, creating a...

Fear

Fear, within the context of BDSM, refers to the emotional response that can arise from the dynamics of power exchange and the exploration of vulnerability. This category encompasses various forms of fear, including the fear of losing...

Gratitude, Appreciation, Thankfulness & Gratefulness

Gratitude is the emotion of recognizing and appreciating the kindness, effort, or generosity of others. It involves a deep sense of thankfulness and acknowledgment that can strengthen relationships and foster a sense of connection. Whether...

Expressing Gratitude

Expressing gratitude is the act of openly acknowledging and appreciating the kindness, support, or generosity of others. It can take many forms, such as saying “thank you,” writing a heartfelt note, giving a meaningful gift, or simply...

Humiliation, Degradation, Objectification and Shame

Humiliation, degradation, objectification, and shame are interconnected categories within BDSM that explore themes of power dynamics, emotional responses, and the complexities of submission. These concepts can evoke intense feelings and...

Exhibitionism

Exhibitionism in the context of BDSM refers to the consensual act of displaying oneself or engaging in sexual activities in front of an audience, whether that audience is made up of other participants in a scene, a larger gathering, or...

Public Humiliation 

Public Humiliation explores the thrill and risks of engaging in humiliation acts in semi-public or public spaces, emphasizing discretion and consent

Love / Caring for Others

Love and caring for others is a category within BDSM that emphasizes the emotional depth, compassion, and nurturing aspects of relationships, particularly within power exchange dynamics. This theme highlights how affection and care can...

Lust / Arousal 

Lust and arousal in the context of BDSM represent the intense physical and emotional sensations that can arise from power exchange dynamics and the exploration of desires. This category focuses on the thrill of sexual attraction and the...

Pain and Sadomasochism

Explore the complex relationship between pain and pleasure in my Pain category, which covers the safe application of painful stimuli for erotic enjoyment.

Discomfort / Long Term Pain 

This category includes activities designed to induce prolonged sensations of discomfort or pain, often to test endurance, enhance submission, or explore control dynamics. Methods might involve wearing restrictive or irritating.

Patience

Patience is a vital category within BDSM that emphasizes the importance of taking time to understand, nurture, and develop the dynamic between the Dominant and the Submissive. This concept revolves around the idea that both partners can...

Pleasure

Pleasure is a central category in BDSM that encompasses the various forms of enjoyment and gratification experienced by both the Dominant and the Submissive within their dynamic. This concept highlights the importance of seeking and embracing...

Romance 

Romance in the context of BDSM encompasses the emotional and intimate aspects of a relationship that go beyond physical interactions and power dynamics. This category highlights the significance of affection, love, and emotional connection..

emotional connection...
Safety 

Safety as a feeling refers to the emotional state of being secure, protected, and free from harm within a BDSM dynamic. This feeling is crucial for both the Dominant and the Submissive, as it allows them to fully engage in their roles and...

Submission 

Submission is a fundamental category within BDSM that refers to the act of yielding control and authority to another person, typically the Dominant. This dynamic is characterized by the Submissive's willingness to embrace vulnerability and...

Trust 

Trust is a cornerstone category in BDSM that refers to the deep-seated confidence and reliance that both the Dominant and the Submissive place in each other within their dynamic. This emotional bond is essential for fostering a safe and...

"Within the S/M subculture, different people use the words 'submissive' and 'slave' to mean many different things. When submissives say 'I want to be your slave,' sometimes they mean only that they want to be tied up and whipped. Many professional dominants routinely refer to their (usually not very genuinely submissive clients) as 'slaves.' At the other extreme, some people want to be full-time personal servants and truly want to exist solely for their Dom's (me)'s use, pleasure, and convenience. And there are many shades in between these two extremes."

THE OUTRIGHT NON-SUBMISSIVE MASOCHIST or KINKY SENSUALIST. Not into servitude, humiliation or giving up control; just pain and/or spiced-up sensuality, on the masochist's terms and for the masochist's direct pleasure (i.e. turned on solely/mainly by one's bodily sensations rather than by being "used" to gratify one's partner's sadism).

PSEUDO-SUBMISSIVE NON-SLAVE. Not into even playing "slave," but into other "submissive" role-playing, e.g. schoolteacher scenes, infantilism, "forced" transvestism. Usually into humiliation, but NOT into servitude, even in play. Dictates the scene to a large degree.

PSEUDO-SUBMISSIVE PLAY SLAVE. Likes to play at being a slave; likes to feel subservient; may in some cases like to feel one is being "used" to gratify partner's sadism; may even really serve the dominant in some ways, but only on the "slave's" own terms. Dictates the scene to a large degree; often fetishistic (e.g. foot worshipers).

TRUE SUBMISSIVE NON-SLAVE. Gives up control (only temporarily and within agreed-upon limits), but gets her/his main satisfaction from aspects of submission other than serving or being used by the dominant. Usually turned on by suspense, vulnerability, and/or giving up responsibility. Doesn't dictate the scene except in very general terms, but still seeks mainly her/his direct pleasure (rather than getting one's pleasure mainly from pleasing the dominant).

TRUE SUBMISSIVE PLAY SLAVE. Gives up control (though only temporarily; only during brief "scenes" and within limits) and gets main satisfaction from serving/being used by dominant, but only for FUN purposes, usually erotic. May not be into pain. If so, the submissive is turned on by pain indirectly, i.e., enjoys being the object of one's partner's sadism, on which the submissive places very few requirements or restrictions.

UNCOMMITTED SHORT-TERM BUT MORE THAN PLAY SEMI-SLAVE. Gives up control (usually within limits); wants to serve and be used by the dominant; wants to provide practical/nonerotic as well as fun/erotic services; but only when the "slave" is in the mood. May even act as a full-time slave for, say, several days at a time, but is free to quit at any time (or at the end of the agreed-upon several days). May or may not have a long-term relationship with one's Mistress, but either way, the "slave" has the final say over when she will serve.

PART-TIME CONSENSUAL-BUT REAL SLAVE. Has an ongoing commitment to an owner/slave relationship and regards oneself as the property of the dominant at all times. Wants to obey and please dom(me) in all aspects of life- practical/nonerotic and fun/erotic. Devotes most of the time to other commitments (e.g., job), but Dom(me) has first pick of the slave's free time.

FULL-TIME LIVE-IN CONSENSUAL SLAVE. Within no more than a few broad limits/requirements, the slave regards herself/himself as existing solely for the Dom's (me)'s pleasure/well-being. A slave, in turn, expects to be regarded as a prized possession. Not much different from the situation of the traditional housewife, except that within the S/M world, the slave's position is more likely to be fully consensual, especially if the slave is male. Within the S/M world, a full time "slave" arrangement is entered into with an explicit awareness of the magnitude carefully, with more awareness of the magnitude of power that is being given up, and hence is usually entered into much more carefully, with more awareness of the possible dangers, and with much clearer and more specific agreements than usually precede the traditional marriage.

CONSENSUAL TOTAL SLAVE WITH NO LIMITS. A common fantasy ideal probably doesn't exist in real life (except in authoritarian religious cults and other situations where the "consent" is induced by brainwashing and/or social or economic pressures and hence isn't fully consensual). A few S/M purists will insist that you aren't a slave unless you're willing to do anything for your Dom(me), with no limits at all. I've met a few people who claimed to be no-limit slaves, but in all cases, I have reason to doubt the claim.

A true Master shall take pride in the fact that a woman has chosen to devote her entire being to the satisfaction and fulfillment of his desires. Just as she, in return, can take pride that such a man has chosen her, above all others, to provide that fulfillment. For openers, the female should decide that she may be a true submissive and find the courage and commitment to put herself in the hands of a true Master. She must know that at that precise moment, her option to make choices will end. He will do what he wants to do, completely apart from her preconceived ideas. I am not necessarily referring to physical discipline, and I am most definitely not referring to the extremes of physical discipline. There are always limits, and the true Master knows what they are. He also knows that those limits are different for every slave. But he also knows that regardless of those individually determined limits, every slave should at least once be forced to go one step beyond what she believes she can endure.

A Master should do what pleases him. The secret is to know the slave well enough so that while pleasing himself, he also provides her with fulfillment. But he should also, once in a while, take his slave (even for a brief moment) slightly beyond her self-conceived limits. But in doing so, he must take care not to hurt her. Again, he must know the slave well. In short, a slave should, once in a while, be forced to beg to plead, "Oh God, please stop!" But after every session, a slave should also, if only just to herself, always say, "Oh God, I want him to have me again!"

As I said, it doesn't have to be physical discipline. If the female is lucky, she may someday find a Master who is also an expert at sensual "torture." If you have never experienced this, you may not believe it, but a Master who knows the art and who is smart enough to learn what kind of a woman he is dealing with will be able to "torture" her without hurting her at all!

The human body can voluntarily withstand only a certain level of sensual pleasure or sensation. That is why a man, when he has an orgasm, usually stops moving, because he just can't stand the sensation of having the tip of his penis stimulated while he is coming. That's also why a woman who has a true, full orgasm also usually stops moving, or arches her back and pulls her body taut, or fights or cries out or curls into a ball.

It is not that it hurts. It is just that the pleasure is unbearable! But suppose a woman were tied and exposed and helpless. And suppose that a man knew her well enough to be able to regularly bring her to full orgasm. And then suppose the Master did that and kept her there right at the peak for perhaps five minutes or ten or even twenty minutes! Imagine being at the peak of an orgasm that didn't stop. Imagine straining at your bonds and screaming and pleading and begging for him to stop, and imagine him being good enough and strong enough to ignore the screams and to keep that sensual "torture" going on and on, because it pleases him to hear the screams and begging him to stop but not until he chooses to, for himself.

This same principle is true of actual physical discipline, for those Master/slave relationships where true discipline is involved. Suppose that a slave could, without being bound, voluntarily withstand thirty lashes of a whip across her back. But then suppose she was bound, arms stretched high overhead, her body naked and helpless, and her Master begins her "test." And because she is proud, and because she wants to provide her Master with as much pleasure as possible, she does not actually " break" until after forty lashes, but then she begs him to stop. If he is a true Master, and if it pleases him to continue, he should not stop. Perhaps he should continue for another five lashes, or maybe even ten, depending on his pleasure, of course, but also based on the knowledge he has, through experience, of just how much his slave can endure, not simply what her body tells her she can endure. There is a difference.

If the Master is wise and has been accurate in his assessment of his slave's true stamina, the slave will realize that she did endure it after all. Even more important, she will be proud that she was able to provide her Master with that additional pleasure, and the next time perhaps she won't beg until after fifty lashes.

But of course, the Master may not stop then, either!

S/M can be the most exciting form of sexual foreplay ever experienced. Every "Master/slave" relationship should be based on a profound and deeply satisfying sexual relationship. Every meeting should include (and usually conclude with) some form of sexual activity that is satisfying to both. But that, of course, is generally true of every deep male/female relationship.

So what makes this any different?

The difference lies in the submission of one and the dominance of the other. That, of course, is what your fantasies have been based on. In effect, you say you have dreamed of " submitting" yourself to a man, allowing yourself to be rendered helpless so that he can "rape" you. And that act of submission, you say, would enhance the excitement and pleasure you would derive from the sex act. (Indeed, the truth may be that this is the only way that you would be able to derive real pleasure from sex.)

But if this is as far as you've gone in your fantasies, you may well be asking yourself, "What is all the rest about?" Why does he/she talk about prolonged sexual teasing and torture? And what about real discipline ... actual pain, even if only at a very minor threshold level? Would a Master whip me? Could you whip her?

I have no idea, but the simple fact is that all these things, carefully selected and based on each partner's reaction, can be part of what becomes a much greater, much more rewarding, and much more fulfilling sexual relationship. Sex, without some form of mutual love or deep feelings, is of little meaning, and that, in turn, requires each partner to try to give the other as much pleasure as possible. For a submissive, that means "giving" herself to her Master for his pleasure. The total submission of her mind and body are her gifts to him, for him to do with as he chooses, and he takes great pleasure in that gift.

Every Master is different, of course, but in general, they take tremendous pleasure in imposing dominance and will upon a submissive female, both mentally and physically. Using both her mind and body to demonstrate power over her. Make her think and feel like she has never felt before. Forcing her to experience the furthest extremes of sensual and physical sensations. Making her beg to stop either the pleasure or the pain.

Best of all, the male should love watching her face and her expressions as she realizes that, despite her pleas, he is not going to stop, at least not right that minute. And, finally, he should love watching her recognize his dominance over her, and then watching her resign her mind and her body to accept the previously unacceptable ... all for his pleasure!

Through all of this, and governing all of this, is the overriding "love" that he should feel for her and, in turn, it is her knowledge that he does care for her deeply, and the trust that that knowledge gives her, that allows her to give him that marvelous gift of her mind and body.

But what about the submissive one? What pleasure does she get? Again, each is different, but there are some common denominators. First, a "slave" must deeply trust and deeply care for her Master. She should truly want to give him pleasure. And so, for most slaves, the first pleasure is the very deep pleasure derived from the act of giving ... a very profound pleasure because the gift she gives is also profound. .... She gives herself!

Second ( although there are some exceptions), a submissive female usually derives tremendous intellectual, sensual, and ultimately, sexual pleasure from the experience, assuming, of course, that the Master is gifted and sensitive and understanding. I assure you that I have only scratched the surface. The Master should be able to teach the slave things about herself she had never dreamed of, exposing her to sources of pleasure of a kind and a level and an intensity she had never imagined!! The Master should explore every part of her mind and body and would ultimately discover the keys to her deepest pleasures.

It may be strictly sensual. There may be certain special parts of her body that, properly stimulated, turn on all her sexual senses. It may be just the bondage and helplessness itself, together with her ability to commit herself to it. Most submissive women derive tremendous sexual pleasure simply from being bound. (Almost all of them become lubricated and ready for sexual intercourse while in bondage.)

She may find pleasure in pain. And if she does, it may be just a certain level of pain or pain applied just to a certain part of her body. Many submissive people derive the most intense and exquisite sexual pleasure from the forced imposition of physical discipline, even to the point of orgasm.

You should know that " discipline" doesn't mean simply the whip. (Although, indeed, that phrase simply the whip" is misleading. There are hundreds of different kinds of whips, each capable of being used in a hundred different ways, so that in just this one "simple" area, there are an infinite variety of ways available to a knowledgeable Master to impose an equally infinite variety of torments.)

But there is so much, much more .... endless means, endless targets, endless degrees. To an imaginative and experienced Master, a marvelous and exquisite and almost limitless choice is available. But he must also have the sensitivity and the understanding and, yes, the love, to choose the right ones.

If he does, he will be successful in fulfilling his role as a Master. He will pleasure himself, of his choosing, but he will also provide his submissive partner either extreme pleasure or total psychological fulfillment or, often, both, depending on her special nature and needs.

Then there is the whole area of submission without bondage. A true Master, using proper training, can teach a woman to be submissive without putting her in bondage. If you have accepted a man as your Master, you should want to obey him without being "forced"

If he orders you to strip, you will strip. If he orders you to kneel, you will kneel. If he orders you to stand before him with your legs apart and your arms stretched high above your head, and not to move, you will do as he orders. And if while you are standing there, he chooses to whip you, you still will not move. And if he orders you to count the lashes, you will count them for him.

And if he orders you to kneel naked next to his bed while he sleeps. and to remain there, instantly ready to serve him in any way should he awake, you will kneel there, silent and naked and ready, and you will stay there. And if he does not awake until morning, you will still be there ... still kneeling .... still naked .... still ready.

But then a wise Master will order you to join him, and he will acknowledge the great pleasure your obedience has given him, and he will reward you with that special marvelous pleasure of your own that he knows so well to give you.

So what's this all about? A wonderfully elaborate, infinitely varied, terribly exciting series of scenarios, carefully and lovingly selected and orchestrated by the Master to provide both himself and his submissive partner with the most exquisite and profound emotional and sexual pleasure, each scenario based on, taking advantage of, and dramatizing the dominant nature of one and the submissive nature of the other.

It is, of course, a tremendous challenge. First, there's the challenge to the submissive to accept and endure the torment of bondage and discipline by which her chosen Master tests her and throughout which he realizes the most profound pleasure. (A weak or sniveling "slave" provides little pleasure for a Master) Of course, there are limits and, of course, they must be respected. But there will be those special times when, after being queried by her Master, the proud submissive will take as deep a breath as her chains will permit, look him in the eye, and in her special way and words say, in effect, "I'm here for your pleasure. Please don't stop until you are totally satisfied."

That is the challenge of the body. But there is also the challenge of the mind and the spirit. After all, a man is physically stronger than a woman, so physical domination (in its rawest sense, at least) is easy.

But intellectually, it's a different matter because, in an ideal S/M relationship, both partners should be equal in intellect so that the dominant and submissive roles result from conviction and choice rather than imposition. In addition to being physically dominant, a "Master"- while not intellectually superior, must also be intellectually dominant ... dominant by nature and spirit and will .... choosing to dominate while the submissive chooses to understand and appreciate and ultimately submit to that will. That is a much subtle and a far more difficult challenge.

But you need two things:

1. A Master who knows how to lead the slave to the far most pleasures.

2. A submissive with the courage to take the first step to try it.

Whatever the case. Take your time and go sloooow! :)