How To Be A Dom

One of the most common topics dominant men want to talk to me about is the rules for their submissive, more specifically what rules to create, what rules to avoid, and how to enforce them.

The entire concept of the D/s dynamic is a relationship built around a ruleset. Some of these rules are inherent to the dynamic, while the others are enforced as a reaction to it. It’s crucial to understand the goal of these rules to avoid making mistakes along the way.

I am a proponent of honest dynamics. What I mean by this is I, personally, am only interested in truly honest reactions and interactions with a sub. To push a sub’s limits, you need to have enough information to know exactly where her limits lie, and how you can push on them in a positive, beneficial manner. The more information you have, the more able you will be to accomplish this and the greatest source of information from your sub will always be interactions, honest to the core.

This mentality is in direct conflict with one of the most common rules enforced by Doms new and old: forcing your sub to always refer to you as Sir (Master, Lord… whatever). My honest interaction mentality is my absolute number one rule. This means I only want to be referred to as Sir, if she feels at that moment I deserve that respect. If she doesn’t feel that way, then I don’t deserve to hear it.

What rules to make as a Dom, and what rules to avoid

When choosing rules to enforce, you need to plan ahead. Creating a rule that you can’t actually enforce, or a rule that is impossible to follow undermines your dominance.

For example, what about a rule where your sub is required to strip to her panties as soon as she enters your home? This is another common rule Doms will come up with, but what happens when she comes over with her mom? Or when you have some vanilla friends over?

If your sub has to try and decide if you would want her to break your own rule or not, the rule is a failure. Rules and orders shouldn’t leave any room for interpretation or guesswork.

For this reason, I suggest you are very careful about creating any persistent rules. Before you do you want to carefully think through three things:

What are all the possible scenarios in which this rule may be obsolete or impossible to follow?

Would this rule be more effective if it was implemented on a per-scene basis?

Could this rule force dishonest interactions?

Going back to our first example, of having them always address you as Sir, this rule has possible issues with both number 1 and number 3 on that list. Instead, I make it clear to my subs that it pleases me greatly to be addressed with respect. If I am doing my job, deserving of their respect, instilling a genuine desire to please me, then I will always be addressed as I desire, regardless of any rules.

The only persistent rules I have with my sub are as follows:

She is never allowed to remove her collar without permission.

She is never allowed to enter my bed without permission.

If she is put on her knees, or all fours, she isn’t allowed to rise, without permission.

That’s it. All other rules are given with a time constraint on them.

Note: I’m not mentioning any relationship rules we have, just the ones related to the BDSM side of our relationship. The details of how you run your relationship will be tied into the BDSM roles you take on, but they shouldn’t be confused as being the same. If you are interested in the rules and concepts used for managing a poly relationship, let me know.

Rules for BDSM scenes

When it comes to rules for a scene, the only limit is your imagination. Since a scene is something you have nearly complete control over, you don’t have to be nearly as vigilant with the rules you put into play. As long as the rule won’t undermine your authority, make logical sense, and is created with a purpose, you’re good to go.

Common BDSM rules:

Enforced eye line: Your sub must look straight ahead, and only straight ahead, at all times.

I consider this rule to be a discipline/mental blindfold. Instead of her vision being passively entirely restricted, it’s partially restricted but requires great effort and control. If you push her hard enough, her eye line will almost certainly break, forcing punishment.

Speech restriction: Your sub is not allowed to speak unless spoken to.

This one is very common and is used in the majority of BDSM scenes. Just be sure she’s clear this rule never usurps her need to speak a safeword or to voice a legitimate concern. It might seem obvious, but you never want to put a sub into a position where she has to choose between her own safety and feeling she will be a disappointment.

A variation of speech restriction also used, sometimes in perpetuity, are banned words. While some Doms simply have words they dislike to hear, I tend to use this as a tool to correct a sub’s poor grammar. Specific common mistakes will be banned, speaking them will incur punishment. For rules like this, the punishment should be known in advance, for example, Any time you say “anyways” you will get 11 strikes with the paddle.

Procedure: Your sub must remember, and obey, a set of commands.
The procedure is an element of play I don’t use enough of myself. As the name implies, it has your sub follow set procedures based on input. The most simple example of this is using hand signals and having your sub memorize a series of positions.

Some Doms take the procedural play to the extreme, with great success. If you are more of a task-minded person or were in the military, this might be an angle for you to explore in detail.

Vocal Queues: Your sub must respond, vocally, to specific actions.

The most common example of this is having your sub count strokes in impact play. It’s also common to have them thank you for specific actions. For example, any time I let you touch me, I expect you to thank me.

Any other rules you want to enforce are up to you. Just be very sure the rule will add to the scene, instead of hampering it. If you do feel a rule is causing friction in a scene, abolish it. It’s never wrong to make changes to things not working as you had intended.

How to give orders to your sub

As a Dom, every choice you make should be made for a reason. If you’re just doing things without thought, simply because it seems hot, or it’s something you saw in a video, you’re setting yourself up to make mistakes, failure, or inconsistency. As we learned in grade four physics: every action has an equal and opposite reaction. Your job as a Dom is to focus on the reactions first. Every choice you make should be made in an effort to emotionally manipulate your sub in the desired direction.

When giving an order you should follow these guidelines:

Every order should have an intended result.
Every order should be perfectly clear, without any need for interpretation.
Every order should be framed to fit the scene and the dynamic.
Every order should be spoken clearly, with authority.
If you want to be a great Dom, your orders should never be two dimensional. Take this as an example:

I want you to strip for me.

That on its own seems like a perfectly fine order. It’s simple, and the intended result is having her rendered nude. Every Dom reading this has given this very order many times without thinking twice. But if you want to be the best Dom you can be, you need to go deeper than this.

Having her naked is a physical reaction. As I have mentioned countless times before, sex (and BDSM) is almost entirely mental. When you give an order (or make any choice) it should be with an intended emotional reaction in mind. Remember: your job is emotional manipulation. She can get naked on her own any time.

The more you push, and the deeper your sub sinks into a scene, the less lucid her thoughts will be. It’s possible to put her into a state where lucid thoughts are nearly impossible. On top of this, any order you give should leave absolutely zero room for interpretation.

The order “strip” seems basic, but it’s actually missing a lot of information. Instead, this order should be framed differently:

I want you to stand up, stand facing me in front of the fireplace, and remove your shirt.

After having her remove all her clothing, the physical result is identical. But instead of her feeling no different, only now being naked, your series of most basic orders have removed any semblance of “free will” from the order and has forced her into a position capable of making only a single choice: to obey or disobey.

It’s these little details which separate a man dabbling in kink, and a Dom transcending typical sexuality. Anyone can try to tell someone to do something they think is hot. To be a great Dom you should be giving orders with a purpose, and you should frame them in a way you will enjoy as well. While everything we do as Doms is focused on the ultimate pleasure of our subs, you should always find a way to package what you do in a way you will enjoy to your core. It comes back to the wants versus needs. You give her what she needs, in the way you want it.

by domcoaching 

Did your girl ask you to dominate her, but you fear you’re going to hurt her, or don’t know where to start?

This is, bar none, the most common reason men will seek out advice and coaching for BDSM. To one degree or another, the majority of women in the world are sexually submissive. The ones who crave to be dominated will at some point tell their man it’s what they want. They may say it in little hints, asking you to tie them up or choke them. They may come right out and say they want you to dominate them, force them to serve, and please you, as your sub.

Some men will tie up their girl, thinking that’s what they wanted, and maybe crank up the dirty talk. Other’s won’t even get that far. But just being tied to the bed is not what she needs or wants, she needs you to dominate her, emotionally and physically.

It’s a Lot Like Roleplay

If you’re anything like me, I’ve never really gotten too excited about the idea of roleplay. I have a hard time enjoying myself if I’m too busy pretending to be something else. But the principles of a Dominant/Submissive power dynamic are still based on the same ideals.

A good BDSM D/s scene is the beautiful contrast between reality and perception.

The reality: without any caveats, the reality of almost any D/s scene is the understanding that the submissive has the ultimate power and control. She gets to choose to give up her control to you, she has the power and ability to stop a scene if it’s not what she wants (this is where safewords come into play), and every choice you make as a Dom is made to be the best possible positive choice for her, your dynamic, and your relationship.

In other words, it’s a healthy relationship in which both of you are working together towards the same goal. It’s a relationship based on trust and respect.

The Perception: This is what I commonly refer to as the frame. The frame we build, the scene we set, is the exact opposite of the reality. This is where the overlap with roleplay begins. While you are acting like yourself, the frame you build is that of you holding utter, ultimate, control. It’s about using her as a toy to please you. The frame puts you above her in all aspects, physically and emotionally.

Obviously it’s only possible to achieve this level of power-exchange on a constant healthy level if both of these things are in balance. If you make the scenes and choices purely about you, your desires as a Dom, then you are walking a dangerous road to failure.

You’re Afraid of Hurting Her

Most men balk at the idea of hitting, slapping, choking, ragdolling their woman for fear of hurting them. If this is you, congratulate yourself. Causing pain, fear, anxiety, and distress to someone you love goes against everything you should hold dear. And this is the way it should always be, for reality. It’s your job as a man, a Dom, and a partner to protect and encourage your woman.

But when it comes to the frame, the rules of reality no longer apply. When a woman asks or begs, you to hurt her, or choke her, or pull her hair, then the best choice you can make, for her, is to give her what she desires in that scene. The line you have to walk is giving her enough punishment to sate, without causing any serious, lasting harm.

Where this line is drawn will be different for every person, in every relationship. Many girls don’t want to be bruised or marked in any way. Some want nothing more than to feel sore for weeks to come. It’s up to you to make sure you are following the two rules of sadism in BDSM:

No matter what she thinks, or says, she wants, it’s your job to know when to say no. If a woman asks you to punch her in the face and leave her with a black eye (this is an extreme example), chances are she’s caught up in the moment, and giving in to this request would negatively affect her life (and possibly yours) in the days to follow. It’s never okay to cause lasting future harm for current gratification.

It has to be about her, always.

The second rule is the only way to understand the line between kinky sex play, and domestic abuse. If you slap your woman because nothing you could do would turn her on more at the moment, then you are making a great choice. If you hit your woman because you’re upset, and are blowing off steam, that is abuse, pure and simple.

Despite being the Dom and being in control, you never get to give in to your own emotions and act purely on your own desires. Playing with a sub is not about you, it’s about her. It’s about giving her what she needs, and having the strength to take it as far as you need, and no farther.

Humans Are Tough Animals

All men are capable of terrifying destructive power. All men are capable of killing another human with their bare hands. All men have the ability to take a scene too-far and cause serious trauma. This is why all men fear hurting their subs.

What you need to understand is that the human body is incredibly resilient. With just a few pointers, it’s easy to avoid ever going too far hurting someone, without having to whimp out, and not give her the punishment she craves.

Start low and slow, and ramp-up. If you don’t know how aggressive you need to be, start low and slowly increase the intensity until you reach the desired level.
Choose your spots carefully. The fleshy part of the ass can take an incredible amount of punishment, but skin over the bone can not. You should never be hitting someone on the spine, the back of the head, the eyes. You should never be using a solid, hard, toy on ribs.

The goal is to punish her, not to destroy her.

It’s better, and safer, to increase duration rather than intensity. If you want to spank your woman until she cries, you don’t need to start swinging as hard as you can. Instead, you can just find a good solid slap, and continue until the pain grows unbearable. The more you spank the same spot, the more it’s going to hurt. By the end, you can be swinging softer than you were in the middle, but causing twice as much agony.

You want to be smooth. When you’re pulling hair, you’re grabbing it near the base and applying smooth constant pressure. Healthy hair can support the entire weight of a human body, but any jerking or twisting can have terrible results. Smooth and constant.

Never use any toys on the face. Be careful with slapping the face as well, it’s very easy to miss, hitting cheekbones, jaws, or eyes. In addition, a face-slap has far more of an emotional reaction than you may expect. Sometimes it will be negative, others positive.

Safe Words Will Set You Free

Finally, you want to embrace the glory of safe words. The standard safewords are ‘yellow’ and ‘red’.

Yellow: This means she’s reaching the end of her rope, no longer enjoying this particular sensation, and doesn’t want it to continue.

When you get a yellow, it’s your job to understand exactly why she safe-worded, and then move on with the scene. Always choose something contrasting to move to. If you’re beating on her ass and she says yellow, start giving her pleasure instead. Reward your subs for saying yellow, if they feel they need to say it, then it’s important you hear it.

Red: This is the vanilla equivalent of ‘No’ ‘Stop’ and ‘Don’t’. A scene ends on red, always.

Chances are, if you’re being a responsible Dom, you will never hear red spoken. But there are situations where it will happen, especially if your sub suffers from anxiety or panic attacks. If you get a red, the only thing left to do is have an honest discussion and provide the amount of comfort she needs. You should never continue a scene after hearing red, and you should probably never consider starting again that same night. Take red very seriously.

If you use these safewords, you can relax knowing they’re your safety net. If your woman asks you to spank her, and once you start she starts to cry and say “no, it hurts, no more, stop” the reality says it’s time to stop, you’ve gone too far. But the frame is different, for many women this is the sexiest part, being forced to take it after it stops being fun, being spanked past the point of tears and sobs.

If you trust your sub and are confident she knows and will use the safewords if she needs them, then her saying “no more, stop, it hurts” is part of the scene. If she actually needs you to stop, she will say yellow. This means what you are doing is correct, you’re hurting her as much as she needs to be hurt at this time.

As with anything in BDSM, everything you have read here is contingent on an extremely large amount of trust and communication with your partner. If she wants to use a safeword but doesn’t out of fear, that’s a very big problem. If you don’t have complete trust between the two of you, you should not be pushing any limits in BDSM, in any way.

Don’t Forget About the Law

The final note is this: everything I have talked about in this article is illegal.

It doesn’t matter if she asks for it. It doesn’t matter if you fill out a contract, explicitly stating exactly what she wants from you. In North America physically attacking another human is illegal. There is no form of consent that can usurp a law.

Let me be perfectly clear: it is absolutely possible for a woman to ask you to beat her, enjoy every second of it, thank you when you are done, and then go to the police and charge you with criminal assault.

For this reason, you need to be careful to never play with anyone you don’t fully trust.

by domcoaching 

Did your girl ask you to dominate her, but you fear you’re going to hurt her, or don’t know where to start?

This is, bar none, the most common reason men will seek out advice and coaching for BDSM. To one degree or another, the majority of women in the world are sexually submissive. The ones who crave to be dominated will at some point tell their man it’s what they want. They may say it in little hints, asking you to tie them up or choke them. They may come right out and say they want you to dominate them, force them to serve, and please you, as your sub.

Some men will tie up their girl, thinking that’s what they wanted, and maybe crank up the dirty talk. Other’s won’t even get that far. But just being tied to the bed is not what she needs or wants, she needs you to dominate her, emotionally and physically.

It’s a Lot Like Roleplay

If you’re anything like me, I’ve never really gotten too excited about the idea of roleplay. I have a hard time enjoying myself if I’m too busy pretending to be something else. But the principles of a Dominant/Submissive power dynamic are still based on the same ideals.

A good BDSM D/s scene is the beautiful contrast between reality and perception.

The reality: without any caveats, the reality of almost any D/s scene is the understanding that the submissive has the ultimate power and control. She gets to choose to give up her control to you, she has the power and ability to stop a scene if it’s not what she wants (this is where safewords come into play), and every choice you make as a Dom is made to be the best possible positive choice for her, your dynamic, and your relationship.

In other words, it’s a healthy relationship in which both of you are working together towards the same goal. It’s a relationship based on trust and respect.

The Perception: This is what I commonly refer to as the frame. The frame we build, the scene we set, is the exact opposite of the reality. This is where the overlap with roleplay begins. While you are acting like yourself, the frame you build is that of you holding utter, ultimate, control. It’s about using her as a toy to please you. The frame puts you above her in all aspects, physically and emotionally.

Obviously it’s only possible to achieve this level of power-exchange on a constant healthy level if both of these things are in balance. If you make the scenes and choices purely about you, your desires as a Dom, then you are walking a dangerous road to failure.

You’re Afraid of Hurting Her

Most men balk at the idea of hitting, slapping, choking, ragdolling their woman for fear of hurting them. If this is you, congratulate yourself. Causing pain, fear, anxiety, and distress to someone you love goes against everything you should hold dear. And this is the way it should always be, for reality. It’s your job as a man, a Dom, and a partner to protect and encourage your woman.

But when it comes to the frame, the rules of reality no longer apply. When a woman asks or begs, you to hurt her, or choke her, or pull her hair, then the best choice you can make, for her, is to give her what she desires in that scene. The line you have to walk is giving her enough punishment to sate, without causing any serious, lasting harm.

Where this line is drawn will be different for every person, in every relationship. Many girls don’t want to be bruised or marked in any way. Some want nothing more than to feel sore for weeks to come. It’s up to you to make sure you are following the two rules of sadism in BDSM:

No matter what she thinks, or says, she wants, it’s your job to know when to say no. If a woman asks you to punch her in the face and leave her with a black eye (this is an extreme example), chances are she’s caught up in the moment, and giving in to this request would negatively affect her life (and possibly yours) in the days to follow. It’s never okay to cause lasting future harm for current gratification.

It has to be about her, always.

The second rule is the only way to understand the line between kinky sex play, and domestic abuse. If you slap your woman because nothing you could do would turn her on more at the moment, then you are making a great choice. If you hit your woman because you’re upset, and are blowing off steam, that is abuse, pure and simple.

Despite being the Dom and being in control, you never get to give in to your own emotions and act purely on your own desires. Playing with a sub is not about you, it’s about her. It’s about giving her what she needs, and having the strength to take it as far as you need, and no farther.

Humans Are Tough Animals

All men are capable of terrifying destructive power. All men are capable of killing another human with their bare hands. All men have the ability to take a scene too-far and cause serious trauma. This is why all men fear hurting their subs.

What you need to understand is that the human body is incredibly resilient. With just a few pointers, it’s easy to avoid ever going too far hurting someone, without having to whimp out, and not give her the punishment she craves.

Start low and slow, and ramp-up. If you don’t know how aggressive you need to be, start low and slowly increase the intensity until you reach the desired level.
Choose your spots carefully. The fleshy part of the ass can take an incredible amount of punishment, but skin over the bone can not. You should never be hitting someone on the spine, the back of the head, the eyes. You should never be using a solid, hard, toy on ribs.

The goal is to punish her, not to destroy her.

It’s better, and safer, to increase duration rather than intensity. If you want to spank your woman until she cries, you don’t need to start swinging as hard as you can. Instead, you can just find a good solid slap, and continue until the pain grows unbearable. The more you spank the same spot, the more it’s going to hurt. By the end, you can be swinging softer than you were in the middle, but causing twice as much agony.

You want to be smooth. When you’re pulling hair, you’re grabbing it near the base and applying smooth constant pressure. Healthy hair can support the entire weight of a human body, but any jerking or twisting can have terrible results. Smooth and constant.

Never use any toys on the face. Be careful with slapping the face as well, it’s very easy to miss, hitting cheekbones, jaws, or eyes. In addition, a face-slap has far more of an emotional reaction than you may expect. Sometimes it will be negative, others positive.

Safe Words Will Set You Free

Finally, you want to embrace the glory of safe words. The standard safewords are ‘yellow’ and ‘red’.

Yellow: This means she’s reaching the end of her rope, no longer enjoying this particular sensation, and doesn’t want it to continue.

When you get a yellow, it’s your job to understand exactly why she safe-worded, and then move on with the scene. Always choose something contrasting to move to. If you’re beating on her ass and she says yellow, start giving her pleasure instead. Reward your subs for saying yellow, if they feel they need to say it, then it’s important you hear it.

Red: This is the vanilla equivalent of ‘No’ ‘Stop’ and ‘Don’t’. A scene ends on red, always.

Chances are, if you’re being a responsible Dom, you will never hear red spoken. But there are situations where it will happen, especially if your sub suffers from anxiety or panic attacks. If you get a red, the only thing left to do is have an honest discussion and provide the amount of comfort she needs. You should never continue a scene after hearing red, and you should probably never consider starting again that same night. Take red very seriously.

If you use these safewords, you can relax knowing they’re your safety net. If your woman asks you to spank her, and once you start she starts to cry and say “no, it hurts, no more, stop” the reality says it’s time to stop, you’ve gone too far. But the frame is different, for many women this is the sexiest part, being forced to take it after it stops being fun, being spanked past the point of tears and sobs.

If you trust your sub and are confident she knows and will use the safewords if she needs them, then her saying “no more, stop, it hurts” is part of the scene. If she actually needs you to stop, she will say yellow. This means what you are doing is correct, you’re hurting her as much as she needs to be hurt at this time.

As with anything in BDSM, everything you have read here is contingent on an extremely large amount of trust and communication with your partner. If she wants to use a safeword but doesn’t out of fear, that’s a very big problem. If you don’t have complete trust between the two of you, you should not be pushing any limits in BDSM, in any way.

Don’t Forget About the Law

The final note is this: everything I have talked about in this article is illegal.

It doesn’t matter if she asks for it. It doesn’t matter if you fill out a contract, explicitly stating exactly what she wants from you. In North America physically attacking another human is illegal. There is no form of consent that can usurp a law.

Let me be perfectly clear: it is absolutely possible for a woman to ask you to beat her, enjoy every second of it, thank you when you are done, and then go to the police and charge you with criminal assault.

For this reason, you need to be careful to never play with anyone you don’t fully trust.

by domcoaching 

Did your girl ask you to dominate her, but you fear you’re going to hurt her, or don’t know where to start?

This is, bar none, the most common reason men will seek out advice and coaching for BDSM. To one degree or another, the majority of women in the world are sexually submissive. The ones who crave to be dominated will at some point tell their man it’s what they want. They may say it in little hints, asking you to tie them up or choke them. They may come right out and say they want you to dominate them, force them to serve, and please you, as your sub.

Some men will tie up their girl, thinking that’s what they wanted, and maybe crank up the dirty talk. Other’s won’t even get that far. But just being tied to the bed is not what she needs or wants, she needs you to dominate her, emotionally and physically.

It’s a Lot Like Roleplay

If you’re anything like me, I’ve never really gotten too excited about the idea of roleplay. I have a hard time enjoying myself if I’m too busy pretending to be something else. But the principles of a Dominant/Submissive power dynamic are still based on the same ideals.

A good BDSM D/s scene is the beautiful contrast between reality and perception.

The reality: without any caveats, the reality of almost any D/s scene is the understanding that the submissive has the ultimate power and control. She gets to choose to give up her control to you, she has the power and ability to stop a scene if it’s not what she wants (this is where safewords come into play), and every choice you make as a Dom is made to be the best possible positive choice for her, your dynamic, and your relationship.

In other words, it’s a healthy relationship in which both of you are working together towards the same goal. It’s a relationship based on trust and respect.

The Perception: This is what I commonly refer to as the frame. The frame we build, the scene we set, is the exact opposite of the reality. This is where the overlap with roleplay begins. While you are acting like yourself, the frame you build is that of you holding utter, ultimate, control. It’s about using her as a toy to please you. The frame puts you above her in all aspects, physically and emotionally.

Obviously it’s only possible to achieve this level of power-exchange on a constant healthy level if both of these things are in balance. If you make the scenes and choices purely about you, your desires as a Dom, then you are walking a dangerous road to failure.

You’re Afraid of Hurting Her

Most men balk at the idea of hitting, slapping, choking, ragdolling their woman for fear of hurting them. If this is you, congratulate yourself. Causing pain, fear, anxiety, and distress to someone you love goes against everything you should hold dear. And this is the way it should always be, for reality. It’s your job as a man, a Dom, and a partner to protect and encourage your woman.

But when it comes to the frame, the rules of reality no longer apply. When a woman asks or begs, you to hurt her, or choke her, or pull her hair, then the best choice you can make, for her, is to give her what she desires in that scene. The line you have to walk is giving her enough punishment to sate, without causing any serious, lasting harm.

Where this line is drawn will be different for every person, in every relationship. Many girls don’t want to be bruised or marked in any way. Some want nothing more than to feel sore for weeks to come. It’s up to you to make sure you are following the two rules of sadism in BDSM:

No matter what she thinks, or says, she wants, it’s your job to know when to say no. If a woman asks you to punch her in the face and leave her with a black eye (this is an extreme example), chances are she’s caught up in the moment, and giving in to this request would negatively affect her life (and possibly yours) in the days to follow. It’s never okay to cause lasting future harm for current gratification.

It has to be about her, always.

The second rule is the only way to understand the line between kinky sex play, and domestic abuse. If you slap your woman because nothing you could do would turn her on more at the moment, then you are making a great choice. If you hit your woman because you’re upset, and are blowing off steam, that is abuse, pure and simple.

Despite being the Dom and being in control, you never get to give in to your own emotions and act purely on your own desires. Playing with a sub is not about you, it’s about her. It’s about giving her what she needs, and having the strength to take it as far as you need, and no farther.

Humans Are Tough Animals

All men are capable of terrifying destructive power. All men are capable of killing another human with their bare hands. All men have the ability to take a scene too-far and cause serious trauma. This is why all men fear hurting their subs.

What you need to understand is that the human body is incredibly resilient. With just a few pointers, it’s easy to avoid ever going too far hurting someone, without having to whimp out, and not give her the punishment she craves.

Start low and slow, and ramp-up. If you don’t know how aggressive you need to be, start low and slowly increase the intensity until you reach the desired level.
Choose your spots carefully. The fleshy part of the ass can take an incredible amount of punishment, but skin over the bone can not. You should never be hitting someone on the spine, the back of the head, the eyes. You should never be using a solid, hard, toy on ribs.

The goal is to punish her, not to destroy her.

It’s better, and safer, to increase duration rather than intensity. If you want to spank your woman until she cries, you don’t need to start swinging as hard as you can. Instead, you can just find a good solid slap, and continue until the pain grows unbearable. The more you spank the same spot, the more it’s going to hurt. By the end, you can be swinging softer than you were in the middle, but causing twice as much agony.

You want to be smooth. When you’re pulling hair, you’re grabbing it near the base and applying smooth constant pressure. Healthy hair can support the entire weight of a human body, but any jerking or twisting can have terrible results. Smooth and constant.

Never use any toys on the face. Be careful with slapping the face as well, it’s very easy to miss, hitting cheekbones, jaws, or eyes. In addition, a face-slap has far more of an emotional reaction than you may expect. Sometimes it will be negative, others positive.

Safe Words Will Set You Free

Finally, you want to embrace the glory of safe words. The standard safewords are ‘yellow’ and ‘red’.

Yellow: This means she’s reaching the end of her rope, no longer enjoying this particular sensation, and doesn’t want it to continue.

When you get a yellow, it’s your job to understand exactly why she safe-worded, and then move on with the scene. Always choose something contrasting to move to. If you’re beating on her ass and she says yellow, start giving her pleasure instead. Reward your subs for saying yellow, if they feel they need to say it, then it’s important you hear it.

Red: This is the vanilla equivalent of ‘No’ ‘Stop’ and ‘Don’t’. A scene ends on red, always.

Chances are, if you’re being a responsible Dom, you will never hear red spoken. But there are situations where it will happen, especially if your sub suffers from anxiety or panic attacks. If you get a red, the only thing left to do is have an honest discussion and provide the amount of comfort she needs. You should never continue a scene after hearing red, and you should probably never consider starting again that same night. Take red very seriously.

If you use these safewords, you can relax knowing they’re your safety net. If your woman asks you to spank her, and once you start she starts to cry and say “no, it hurts, no more, stop” the reality says it’s time to stop, you’ve gone too far. But the frame is different, for many women this is the sexiest part, being forced to take it after it stops being fun, being spanked past the point of tears and sobs.

If you trust your sub and are confident she knows and will use the safewords if she needs them, then her saying “no more, stop, it hurts” is part of the scene. If she actually needs you to stop, she will say yellow. This means what you are doing is correct, you’re hurting her as much as she needs to be hurt at this time.

As with anything in BDSM, everything you have read here is contingent on an extremely large amount of trust and communication with your partner. If she wants to use a safeword but doesn’t out of fear, that’s a very big problem. If you don’t have complete trust between the two of you, you should not be pushing any limits in BDSM, in any way.

Don’t Forget About the Law

The final note is this: everything I have talked about in this article is illegal.

It doesn’t matter if she asks for it. It doesn’t matter if you fill out a contract, explicitly stating exactly what she wants from you. In North America physically attacking another human is illegal. There is no form of consent that can usurp a law.

Let me be perfectly clear: it is absolutely possible for a woman to ask you to beat her, enjoy every second of it, thank you when you are done, and then go to the police and charge you with criminal assault.

For this reason, you need to be careful to never play with anyone you don’t fully trust.

Taking control. Getting what you want. Giving her pleasure while getting your own.

These are all the things you can look forward to when being a dom in the bedroom. Though if you’re a little shy between the sheets, acting dominant with your woman can seem intimidating. Here is how you can be sexually dominant and add some power to your play…

What is the Definition of Sexual Domination?

Sexual domination involves a set of rituals and behaviors where you take control over a submissive other people during sexual play.

The other person is known as a submissive. The relationship between a ‘dom’ (the person in control) and a ‘sub’ (the person being taken control of) is a consensual one that can be as strict as bound by contracts, or as fluid as something you sprinkle onto your regular vanilla sexual programming.

The dom-sub relationship is a subset of the term ‘BDSM’, which stands for bondage, dominance/submission, sadism, masochism. Today, we’re talking about the dom-sub relationship only.

Most Importantly – Get Consent

The dom-sub relationship is all about trust.

Imagine your once-loving husband throws you on the bed, puts his hand across your throat and forcefully tells you how he’s going to take you – scary, huh? This is why you must first get consent from your lady that this is something she wants to try.

Setting the Scene and Your Roles

If dom-sub play is new to your relationship, it’s worth discussing what those roles mean for you both before any action is taken.

Talk about why you want to be a bit more forceful in the bedroom, and be sure to include her in the rationale. Reasons such as, ‘I am so attracted to you that sometimes I just want to tie you down and lick every inch of you until you beg me to make you cum’ make it about her while also introducing your fantasy.

What’s OK? And What’s Not?

Find out how she wants to be dominated too. Does she like to be spanked, tied up, talked dirty to, humiliated, held down… Discussing the many ways you can dominate will help to uncover what is OK and what’s not OK during play. Once you’ve aligned on some acts, then it’s time to talk specifics.

You must have a safe word. A safeword is a term that would not otherwise come up in sex, that once she says it, stops all activity and introduces aftercare. For instance, if you are spanking her and it gets too much, she might shout ‘Pineapple’ and you will immediately stop, cuddle her, and lightly graze the area you’ve been spanking. She will let you know if/when it’s time to start up again.

The #1 rule – If She Says Stop, You Stop!

What are the Dominant Acts?

Some of the ways you can dominate your woman in the bedroom include:

Being firm and assertive with what you’re doing, letting her know you’re the one in charge

Pushing her into position – throwing her on the bed, against the wall, on the floor
Ripping her panties off or to the side to enter her

Talking dirty about what you’re going to do to her and why

Tying her up on the bed (use neckties or silk scarves and don’t tie too tight) and stimulating her without completion

Sensory deprivation, such as an eye mask or gag (use the tie again here, not a ball as these can be swallowed if not used correctly)

Getting her to dress up and ‘act’ for you

Humiliation in the form of spitting, urinating, defecating

Being Dominant Outside the Bedroom

Now that you’ve had your fun in the bedroom (or bar, or office, or car…), it’s important to equalize the roles between yourself and your partner. Not doing so can unbalance the power between you both and create tension in the relationship.

Talk to your partner about what you enjoyed when you were role-playing – be sure to focus on the why. Use language like, ‘I loved it when (I pushed you up against the wall and tore a hole in your panties) because it made me see (the desire that I have for your body).’ Making the reason something about you both encourages her to join you in being dominated again – you desire her and she trusts you, so she may let you have your way with her once more.

When it comes to doing the housework or choosing the television show later that day, though, be sure to ask her opinion and make her feel equal – you’re in charge in the bedroom, but not outside of it if you want the relationship to last.

Remember, like everything in the relationships – communication is key.

If you know 100 percent that the sex you’re having isn’t hurting yourself or others – and that everyone involved (even peripherally) is having fun – then you can feel good about enjoying it!