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Consensual Dominance

Thoughts from a guy obsessed with the theory and practice of power exchange
3 years ago. February 20, 2021 at 11:51 PM

I have a bone to pick with negotiation checklists. Anyone who’s looked for education or advice on how to negotiate for the kinky experiences you want has seen these things recommended. They’re these multi-page lists of every kinky activity the list author could conceive of, where you’re supposed to rate each one on some scale of desirability. Like:

  • Flogging
  • Flogging, Hard
  • Flogging, Twizzlers
  • Bondage
  • Bondage, Rope
  • Bondage, Chain
  • Bondage, Red Vines
  • Etcetera, etcetera, etcetera…

And okay, I see how they can have some utility for some people some of the time. But I think they promote a fixation on toys and techniques that doesn’t get at what’s really most important for many of us to negotiate.

Personally, I don’t give a crap if the bondage is rope or chain or tape or saran wrap. What I want is to see you spread out like a neatly wrapped toy for me to use, and watch you pull hard but slow against your bonds—not trying to escape but confirming, sinking into, relishing your helplessness. I want to witness you sink into an experience of helplessness. How we get you there is details.

Knowing that you want

  • Spanking, Hard

is fine and good, but it’s insufficient. Even knowing finer details of the physical act we’re agreeing to (butt and backs of thighs are fair game, inner thighs unpleasantly ticklish, warmup bores me so please hit hard right away, etc.), while useful, does not get to the understanding that will enable our scene to really sizzle.

Check out this amazing product. It will smack your gluteus maximus with perfect rhythm, with ten different intensity settings, for exactly as long as you like. If the heart of your desire really is about the physical mechanics of repeated whacks on your backside then this is the perfect product for you. If, instead, this gadget strikes you as ridiculous, then that’s a sign that what you really desire is about more than hand striking butt. And for really effective negotiation, it’s invaluable to share an understanding of that “more” with your partner.

What does it mean when you’re spanked? Does it mean that you’ve been bad? That you’ve been good? How do you want to feel about it before it happens, during and after?

Who am I when I spank you? I don’t mean that you’re going to literally hallucinate that I’m someone else, but I’m filling some role in the drama of your arousal. Am I a vicious brute who overpowers your through sheer force, and beats you just to see you cry? Or am I a strict disciplinarian who has a right, indeed a duty, to spank you for your transgressions? Am I angry when I spank you? Disappointed? Turned on?

These kinds of questions make or break kinky connections for many of us. The exact same number and force and cadence of blows might be an amazing experience if delivered with icy disappointment, but a grossed-out “red” if done from a place of obvious hard/wet erotic enthusiasm. Or the other way around. The only way to know before you step on a landmine is to negotiate the feelings and the meanings of your play.

And that stands for tops as well. How does your fantasy bottom feel about the spanking you’re giving them? Who do you want to be when you are doing it? Who are they to you, and what effect do you want it to have on them? If you’re having giggly fun time being spanked by me, I’m honestly not going to be enjoying myself; I want to see my bottom endure something difficult out of devotion to me. I can also enjoy being the disappointed taskmaster who’s only doing this for your own good, but only if you’re going to be genuinely contrite afterward. And I absolutely will not be your out-of-control, violent brute. That’s a huge turn off.

Another point of meaning that’s a really good idea to get clear on is what doing this play together means about us. Do we go back to having exactly the same relationship we did before we played? Are we starting a love relationship? Does doing this heavy degradation play mean that I won’t respect you like I did before? What will it mean to you if I let you put this collar on me? It can be heartbreaking when you find out afterward that one person thought this was the just the beginning of a grand adventure, and the other thought it was a one-time fun-time.

So my advice is to set aside the checklist and the choice of exactly which toys and which specific activities you’re going to engage in until after you’ve negotiated the really important stuff.

  • Who am I to you?
  • Who are you to me?
  • How do you want to feel when we play?
  • What do you really, really want?

www.ConsensualDominance.com

SirsBabyDoll​(sub female){Pizza+☕} - It's interesting that you chose to write this. I'm currently doing such a checklist as a shared document with a Dom. We are ALSO, and at THE SAME TIME, working through a contract. Editing, adding, subtracting, DEFINING WORDS.

Everyone needs to have the same understanding of what "beatings-hard" means. They need to understand what "unemployed sub is the primary housekeeper" encompasses....does it mean that the sub does ALL the laundry, for every person in the house, or just Sir?

Checklists and contracts are not final until we sign in the dotted line. Up UNTIL then, they can be used to help direct thinking, to help keep the conversation focused, to help open doors of conversation that may otherwise be uncomfortable.

Alone and isolated, yes, checklists are fairly droll, but ignoring them altogether isn't alright either. There are some links listed that a person may not have heard of but the other one loves.

Everything is a tool. It's how you use it that counts. Thank you for posting your blog! It was a great tool to open up a greater conversation.
3 years ago
ellefire​(sub female) - "Who am I to you?
Who are you to me?
How do you want to feel when we play?
What do you really, really want?"

I'll tell you what I want, what I really, really want (sorry, couldn't resist the pull of the Spice Girls there)....

I couldn't agree more that these are critical items for discussion & negotiation. But do they change and, if so, how, in an ongoing dynamic/relationship?
3 years ago
SirsBabyDoll​(sub female){Pizza+☕} - Eotfl@spice girls. Never ignore the pull Elle! The power is just too strong.

I asked that same question, about do they change and how is that handled.

Of course they change. As more and more trust is built and more knowledge is gained and the love grows, it naturally morphs and communication becomes easier. You become more willing to try to experiement and those soft limits are talked about.

Maybe the hard limits are still hard, but TALKING about them becomes easier and you may find them becoming soft limits.
3 years ago
MrFulmen - Life is change. :)

Another popular misconception about negotiation is that it's something you do at the beginning and then you're done. But desires do change. Circumstances change. New ideas and possibilities present themselves. New challenges crop up that you have to work around. It isn't really possible to draw a perfect map of an ongoing relationship and have it stay true forever. So an ongoing dynamic is going to work way better if all partners keep negotiating throughout--keep talking about what's important, remain open to change, and do their best to grow together instead of trying to keep the relationship rigidly true to some initial agreement.
3 years ago
MrFulmen - Also (to relate back to this blog post) it's my experience that the meanings and stories behind people's desires tend to shift less than the details of what they want to be beaten with and how hard. Negotiating for desire doesn't immunize you from change, but it does tend to create a somewhat more solid foundation.
3 years ago

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