Rambling before my head spins off.
Yesterday my husband left me. He's been threatening it for 3 months, leaving, acting 19 again. For the past 11 years he has been so sure of us and "forever" , so sure it made me sure. We met when I was 16....I am now 35, it has been a rocky, volatile relationship at times but I honestly believed we would be together until we died. He is amazing and awful, impossible to describe without droning on endlessly.
We have both done...errr, lots of wrong, my mental health issues don't help and his temper is..terrifying at times.
So I'm sitting here wondering how 3 months can change so much. I stopped recognizing him, his words painful, his actions unbearable and still I sobbed and I begged him to stay over and over feeling pathetic as I did.
Why didn't I beg yesterday? Would he still be here? I guess I've grown tired. I guess I've become numb to the threats. I want to sleep forever. I want to hurt him or hurt myself to hurt him. I'm becoming unhinged.
When I picture him with someone else the world starts to shake. He was my best friend, my only friend really. I'm not sure I will ever connect with anyone again...and fairly certain they wouldn't want me anyway.That's not self pity, it just is.
Loneliness is ...hard.
