Opinions are not so much like assholes in that most people don’t have (just) one but many! Even worse than that, people try to push their opinions on others. It happens a lot everywhere, including in the kink community. I regularly see kink shaming happen even when as a community we espouse no kink shaming. We’ll take an easy example of ‘x’ kink is gross. ‘X’ kink being your kink. Here are three useful responses you can use when someone says your kink is gross. These responses can work with ‘x’ should ‘x’ e.g. ‘Dommes should wear leather’.
Obviously, I Disagree
In this response we give up our fight to the death about being right (which can be freeing) and simply note our disagreement. This most likely won’t change the person’s mind, but it will let others around you, especially those with the mentioned fetish, know that there are people out there who think it’s ok. This is a low confrontation response, anything else the first speaker says can be ignored. This can be followed up with ‘I disagree, and I don’t care to discuss it further’.
I See You’re Trying To Force Your Opinion On Me
This can be followed with ‘please stop’. This raises the odds of confrontation because the speaker will try to justify what they are doing and deny that they are ‘forcing’ anything. If you’re comfortable with it, you can note how they are not disagreeing respectfully. Once again, the goal is not to change the speakers mind but to enforce your boundaries and support others with like fetishes.
No One Is The Official Judge of Kink Grossness
If you can pair this with a ‘your so silly’ laugh it can go a long way to disarming and confusing the initial speaker. Playfully adding ‘you only get to decide what you like’ can gently educate and remind the original speaker that they should not be kink shaming.
Practice Speaking Up
Speaking up to enforce your boundaries can be an empowered move that not only protects yourself but others in the same category. Practice speaking up frequently to prevent yourself from freezing when the time comes to use your words. If you don’t have a partner to roleplay practice with you can visualize or write it out in your journal.
Happy practicing!
