blah, blah, blog

i'm on vacation a few days in Palm Springs. It's a sorta gay Mecca, about half the population is gay. There's also several 'gay resorts,' which are more like a highbred sex club with hotel rooms 

Tthis kind of 'vacation' (aka "sexcation") is several 24 hour days with other men looking for sex. As an aside, as a gay total bottom, i always loose weight on this kind of trip. The oft undiscussed subject of douche/clean out is ever a factor. Humans have about 25 feet of intestinal tract, about 4 feet of that is colon. It's always moving stuff to the end, and eating stimulates more movement. So guys like me ofter forego eating for long periods to try and interrupt the elimination process and remain clean and available for a Man to fill. 

The above is part of what got me thinking about what i see as a more holistic view of sex that includes the whole person, not just the physical act. Few would probably argue with the notion that sex is in the mind, not just the body. Yet, i don't find many guys in the gay community (and would not be surprised if this extends to others like straights), who put much thought or effort into exploring, understanding or pursuing "mind fuck" as an integral (foundational?) part of sex/sexuality. 

my experience with most of the gay community (and i wonder if this is also a guy thing?) is most gay guys seem to go for quantity over quality. i see sex as a way we connect with another. i think humans need to connect and bond, sex is a powerful way to do that. i see all people as made up of similar parts, and what makes us unique and individual is no two people have those parts put together in the same way.  i think we have a drive to look for (consciously or not) others who compliment us (compatibility). i think this as natural, like how a proton and electron naturally attract and bond forming something new... but it's a lot more complex than that. As humans we have thoughts and emotions to go along with our natural attractions to polar opposites.

So, we create sites like The Cage to discuss and try to find people more likely to aline with us. 

A few things i see contribute to not pursuing understanding and experiencing mind fuck is, it's not on a lot of guys radar. It's not like we are taught about mind fuck in sex ed. Also, keeping it physical is a lot easer, faster and more available. Gay guys have a ton of sex venues, clubs, aps, hotels/resorts. The even have regular events like: "cumunion." (it's just what it sounds like). 

Personally, i long for the mind fuck connection with a Man, and i'm single lol. i write these long profiles on sites purportedly intended for meeting other guys, but even the sincere 'dating' sites are generally all about sex and hook up. i think many of the guys who want 'more' have no clue about what exactly constitutes "more," let alone how to go about getting it. That's a huge part of the problem, as i see it. Those guys who want the 'mind fuck' side of sex/relationship along with the physical, don't really know what that means to them, they just know they want it and have an unconscious expectation that it just happens... and i know this overlaps with the straight world (i was married to a woman for 31 years). It's generally called: "falling in love," as though "love" is a mud puddle we slip and "fall into," vs something we purposefully pursue with knowledge and understanding. 

So, i think a lot of us get caught up in filling the void with fast easy sex vs the more complicated purposeful pursuit of "mind fuck." 

i know, this is random thoughts and the topic could fill a library... which is why i want to be a reader and find others wandering the aisle of the "library."

This is wild, i woke up from a very 'real ' feeling and vivid dream about an hour ago, and it is still with me, so i thought i'd share it with all my wonderful community friends.

i was in a restroom stall of sorts, the stall was large, like one of those handicapped stalls and the door was open, so i was in anyones view who happened to pass by. i was kneeling and just finishing sucking a Mans Cock and a Man who was with a woman walk in and head into the stall and we were all standing the two Men near me and the woman was sort of in the background. my sense in the dream was that during the momentary standing around 'pecking order' was being determined. The Man Who had just arrived with the woman came over to me (we were still all standing) and turned me around, pulled my jeans down to just above my knees and came up behind me and slid His Cock into me.

That is what woke me up, i could feel His Cock as it went in and i was close to having an orgasm (literally, i would have had a wet dream had i not woken up).  

The mind is so amazing. As a critical care nurse, i teach patients all the time that "pain is all in the brain," and i thought of that as i woke this morning, how the sensations of fucking are also in the brain.

Dreams can be so revealing. They can reveal things like what we deeply want, or are worried about, or_________, but they often reveal our root needs/desires. This one was so mind fuck for me, very exposing of my sub side. The thing that i was feeling so keenly in the dream was my position in the 'hierarchal order' (these words sound way to clinical, it felt incredible and is a big part of what was bringing me to orgasm). The Alpha Man was breeding me in front of the Man Who's cock i'd just sucked (and somehow i knew the new Man knew this) and was taking full possession of me in front of both the other Man and the woman. I've never had or experienced a thought about a Man breeding me in front of a woman... not something i would consciously want at all, but in the dream, it was as if they were all there to demonstrate my position in the order of things, and as i felt that, i almost came. Wow, that was profound. 

For lack of a better title?  This blog post is really bits and pieces, but i've no doubt come of those bits and pieces will resonate with some with similar bent or circumstance, so onward with the share.

i'm in a relationship, so far only online, with a person who identifies as: Dom, Daddy, Sir, Master, Beau... probably left some out. As a gay, total bottom, i have a sub side, and some boy and girl (belle to corresponding "Beau"?) as well.   That's not all of Him or me, but enough to draw a picture here. 

The "gay, total bottom" parts of me are different in that i am that way regardless of anyone else. The sub part of me is semi dependent on my Mate in order present, and the boy and girl parts are totally dependent on my Mate in order to present. 

Recently i've been making Him some sexy pics and vids of stuff He's said He likes. He'd have me doing this daily, but i do it on occasion because otherwise it gets out of balance (to me?) and i feel more like a porn performer than His boy.  For me, 'it's' mostly about connection and bonding, so i send text along with my pics or vids explaining what i am feeling and thinking. If i get a sense He is just looking at the visuals, it has the effect of shutting me down. If He shares His feelings and thoughts, it fuels further endeavors on my part. i'm not naturally inclined to do pics or vids, so it's been a discovery for me to see i can enjoy and connect this way.

But for Him to task me with making them, without getting the connection factors i need? Not going to happen. Not because i am feeling rebellious, but because to me, it stops being relationship if both of us is not getting what we love/want/need. And my rule of thumb in sexual/kink relationship is to find mutual kinks that keep our the exchanges symbiotic.  

i sent a couple of pics today that i was pretty confident would, eh, get a rise out of Him. He replied: "OH JESUS! I CAN'T TAKE IT.  HAVE TO LOOK AWAY AND FOCUS ON WORK. YOU ARE AN EVIL, SEDUCTIVE SIREN, YOU ARE!"   

i replied: "lol, i'm not an evil siren, i really am not. i'm a real and sincere boy with a pussy who loves, wants and needs You and am so truly happy when You are happy with me." 

(Hope this is not too much openness on my part for some, but openness and vulnerability are big part of this blog post, so, keeping it real demonstratively).

There's so many layers i can see to discuss here, but i don't want this to be a mile long blog. This post is about "power exchange." 

Lots of great discussions are had in The Cage about who wields the power and control in a D/s dynamic. i think a lot of people on my side of the slash want the Person on the other side to wield the power and control. i do, and maybe the above shared exchange is illustrative of that to some?  i obviously affected desire in Him, but i want who and how i am to have that effect, not a manipulative act or expression of power. i did not do what i did on my own, i did it because He likes and wanted it. my nurture came/comes from His real thrill.

But, if He just looks at the pics and doesn't respond to the text. If He doesn't tell me how He feels and thinks. If we do not connect and bond as a result, the activity loses value... i think, for the relationship. i think He may get momentary pleasure, but nothing of lasting value. 

i'm looking at where the power exchange is in this. i see His power in eliciting desire in me to please Him and do something i would not otherwise do, but it does not come without an expectation of return on my investment. And that sounds way more clinical than it is. i truly enjoy and get excited by His happiness with me. But i have to be able to connect us, not just the act making Him happy, but me. So, to me, He really does have the power to elicit desired response in me, or not. But it seems to come down to whether or not He wants to make the 'investment' as well? 

BTW, this is not meant to be a public airing of my personal stuff to elicit advice. This is not intended to be a post where one is right or wrong or there is a good or bad side. i'm not feeling any of that.  Just looking at the dynamic with a real life example. 

"Essence."  

It's a descriptor i've been pondering the last several days as i have been engaging and being engaged by/with a Man. 

"Essence" is at the core of what i seek in an intimate relationship, and i believe that goal and effort needs to be mutually understood and pursued. i despise things like "role play," because, to me, that denies the reality of me and the person i want to connect and bond too. 

i do not want to be, or be with, a dispenser of actions or activities.  

We read, communicate, learn each others desires and needs, how they present, how they express. But for me, and i suspect many of us, it's not just about presentation or expression, but how those things, our complex and individual 'kinks,' serve as conduits to link and bond our essence.

For me, if the things we do do not serve as a channel where our essence connects, mingles and bonds, our actions are partial, mechanical, lacking, incomplete.  

Requisite disclaimer: i only presume to speak for myself, i know we all vary. 

When i was younger i read the Carlos Castaneda books about the sorcerer Don Juan. At one point Carlos was trying to see the spiritual (paraphrasing from memory) and it kept alluding him. When he queried Don Juan as to why, Don Juan explained that the spiritual cannot be seen by directly staring, but can only be seen peripherally. 

i read that 40 years ago, but it stuck with me, i find it applies to a lot, and today i saw it in the context of power exchange. When a Top/Dom/Man is a little unsure of Himself, wanting/needing/asking for control, my wiring, the bottom/sub/? in me opens wide and craves to give Him what He lusts for.  But when He tastes my response of submission, takes it for granted, presumes it, i shut down. Sure, i can play the game, follow the rules and 'submit,' but He has lost me, He just retains the appearance of submission, control.

If He does not presume to fully grasp His power, if He gazes at it peripherally, He retains control and wholly possesses me.   

i grew up in a religious fundamentalist culture. While Webster gave Christianity ownership of the label "fundamentalist," i've learned that Webster might have been ethnocentric. For instance, there are fundamentalist Muslims. i think fundamentalism is an absolutist position, i've met what to me are fundamentalist atheists even. The more i've looked at it, the more it seems to me that fundamentalism is mostly an absolutist stance, where one is convinced they have arrived at the 'truth' of a matter, with no room for doubt. It can be particularly strong when one is convinced they have 'God" as a source.

i see absolutists everywhere, like in discussion forums here at The Cage. It's not all that hard of a mode to slip into, i find myself having to edit stuff i write with qualifiers like: "i think," or "i believe," reminding myself i could be wrong. Absolutists make an unequivocal comment and if someone posses a different idea, they often often pounce explaining how and why that person is wrong, often with a superior air.  i've never once seen what looks like an 'absolutist,' back down, or sincerely admit they might or could be wrong.  i think that an absolutist looks for security in being 'right,'  more than in content, and to admit being wrong makes them feel insecure. They seek refuge in 'the truth,' vs the pursuit of reality.

i don't think it's possible to engage an absolutist. Their only goal is to teach or convince others of the 'truth' they hold to be self evident. Convincing another is self affirming.  Not talking about people who are confident or who understand debate. i think confident people can easily admit when wrong because they are open to seeing.    i find that people who "know" they are right do not listen or hear other views on the topic they "know" about. They don't need to listen, they already know, so trying to engage them is an exercise in futility. 

i don't try to dialogue with an absolutist. After years of trying, it seems to only poke the bear. If i encounter an absolutist in forum, i don't ignore them. i read and consider what they write, but i don't try to engage with someone who is only there to regale with their wisdom. i don't try and engage someone who is wired with a vest bomb. 

i recently spent time with a guy, we are exploring a possible exclusive 'boy friend' relationship. We have a certain good chemistry along with some potentially volatile issues as well, it feels a little star crossed to me. Anyway, that is not the point of this entry. 

i self define as "total bottom with some sub."  i qualify that because my sub side is pretty particular and only responds to particular type of "Soft Dom."  i don't really see myself as "slave" or "masochist" or the plethora of other descriptors in the BDSM community. IOW, i think like most who are serious about this on either side of the slash, ""it" needs discussion."  

We spent four days together and i think each of us learned some valuable stuff about the other. Prior to our get together, He gave me a list of things to buy and/or bring for our get together.  He was matter of fact and pretty specific with the list and about what He wanted.  i realize that this is probably a pretty common thing in a lot of D/s relationships, but it was a first for me. It took me several hours and lots of running around to get everything on the list, even thought it was short, and i was surprised to find myself enjoying it.  

As i have considered it, i understand that my enjoyment came from a feeling of connection with Him.  i know this may be a "well duh" for some reading this, but it was a new one for me. i actually felt a little child like with the specificity of instruction, as though nothing was left to chance, and was surprised at a sort of sense of security i felt. 

While we were together, He continually gave me driving instructions while driving, or would explain in detail about how best to do or choose a thing. At one point i just gave in from trying ot assert or do on my own and purposed to just let Him take charge. Then when driving He made a quick, sideways comment: "do i have to do everything?"  

That made me wonder if his assertion of control was purposeful domming or just a part of a controlling personality?  i wanted to discuss it, but did not feel the opening or opportunity yet. But it has me thinking how common this seems to be in D/s. 

It makes sense to me that part of a Dom persons nature is the desire/need to be in control and take charge, and my brain and feelings were going that way till the "do i have to do everything" comment. To me, that pointed to not so much a desire to be in charge, but a concern that if he didn't take charge and control, things would not happen as he wants/needs. 

i know this is an oversimplification, generalization, but i can see two general forms of control in a D/s dynamic. 

One is the conscious taking charge and control of a sub with known and purposeful intent, the other looks to me like a controlling personality that seeks control, not with understanding and purposeful intent of D/s dynamic. The latter seems out of an unconscious (or disguised?) insecurity that fears not being in control or egotistically assumes their mate cannot do __________ without  their input. 

i wrote this in a forum reply to "Verbal Humiliation" and figure it's a topic worthy of blog as well. 

For me, verbal humiliation is one of the deep bonds i can have with an intimate Top/Dom/Husband. For a long time, the paradox of it was a mystery for me, but i think i have come to understand it.

We are all conditioned by culture. We have notions and ideas that have been planted in us, taken deep root in the emotional part of our brains, beyond reason. It's possible (probable?) that some/many of those emotions are passed on genetically as well. The point is, we have them and they run deep.

Juxtaposed against those can be needs and desires that contradict our conditioning. They may be labeled as "kinks" or "fetishes," but if they are essential to us as individuals, (i.e., part of our essence) , i think words like "kink" or "fetish" are just ethnocentric terms controlling culture has come up with.
So we grow up in, are part of a culture that believes and has conditioned us to the point that we feel our particular kink or fetish is perverse, dirty, bad, ___________. We may cognitively believe otherwise, but our feelings often do not aline with our reason.

i think that is the power behind humiliation. my Husband/Top/Dom may get me to a place, handling my need to please Him and using it to connect us with one of His desires, like using His piss for breeding and marking His territory. With skill and understanding, He can get me to a place where i am drinking His piss from His cock, and actually craving it. That can be a deeply arousing and fulfilling bond between us, but it also has a decided element of humiliation when He can smile and ask me: "Do you love being my toilet." Consider what you are feeling right now as you read that last question. For me, this would evoke feelings of humiliation, but would also be deeply arousing and bonding because it is also affirming a desire in both of us, that bonds both of us. To me, this is "bondage."