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Thanks to Ingénue{Círdan} there is a recent spate of blogs in THE CAGE, written by males... mostly "Dom males." my first thought is they are not so much suddenly sold on the idea of blogging as they can't resist their instinctual (natural?) urge to rise... to a challenge? Time may tell.

i get to proudly declare that with >360 forum entries (many lengthy), i'm not among the non-writers in the cage, but this is my first blog. Apparently to some, it's 'different for girls'? Pause for musical interjection:

As a gay sub i have often wondered if my love of, and propensity for, writing has something to do with my wiring? Is it because i'm gay and it's a result or expression of my feminine side? But then, that stereotype unravels for me because it turns out i am just as frustrated as many women are with their straight guys, by all the gay guys who don't 'blog' (read: "open up and talk about their thoughts and feelings").

Ever that analyst, i have come up with all sorts of reasons for that.

1. Blame the patriarchy. Lol, no really. Cliche aside, i think there is some truth to putting at least partial blame on engrained (patriarchal) cultural conditioning that has trained boys from birth that they are different when it comes to stuff like having feelings and expressing thought and feeling. An irony is how much of that conditioning comes from women (mothers, aunts, teachers) who have internalized patriarchy also conditioned in. i am convinced that a lot of internalized patriarchal influence still flies under the radar, even in a more enlightened era.

2. Biology? Neuropsychiatrist and writer Louann Brizendine has authored two books that look at our biological/brain wiring: "The Female Brain" and "The Male Brain." On page six of her book "The Female Brain" she notes: "Under a microscope or an fMRI, the differences between male and female brains are revealed ot be complex and widespread. It the brain enters for language and hearing, for example, women have 11 percent more neurons than men. The principal hub fo both emotion and memory formation-the hippocampus-is also larger in the female brain, as is the brain circuitry for language and observing emotions in others. This means that women are, on average, better at expressing emotions and remembering details of emotional events. Men, by contrast, have two and a half times the brain space devoted to sexual drive as well as larger brain centers for action and aggression." Note: as a scientist, i think Dr Brizendine may overreach a bit with her conclusions, but i think she raises points for further query? She also promises to write a book on "The Gay Brain," which is also different in its physiology.

3. Given the prior two points, i think most men may be handicapped ( both by nature and nurture) when it comes to emotional communication? Which is not to say guys cannot do it. Check out the percentage of authors and screen writers who are men? Which is not to excuse the crime of sexism that has limited female contributions, but to note that it is entirely possible for men to learn how to know and express things like emotion. It may take work, but i think men can learn how to communicate things like emotion, their inner self, even if it doesn't come as naturally to do so.

i was an avid reader as kid. i sensed i was different from most boys and learned how to hide very early on (five or six years old retrospectively). It took till i was about 14 to bury myself for survival. i grew up in a conservative religious household, just to add to the fun and help bury more parts of me. But even as a kid i can remember how frustrated i'd become with my dad, trying to get him to open up and share himself. We didn't do a lot of talking or sharing in our family, so books became my best friends.

Later on in life, i realized that i had developed people reading skills in order to satisfy my need for communication and connection in a family that did not use words. One thing i learned was how a side effect to being in an environment where words were used minimally to communicate was the notion and expectation that others were people readers too. Turns out that people reading can greatly enhance/supplement communication, but on its own (without words), is horribly inadequate. As an aside, i wonder how many guys are stuck in a place where they assume (unconsciously) that people/mind reading is an adequate thing? That people know more about them than they have actually revealed?

i began learning how to communicate when i married. Initially i would get very frustrated with my wife, assuming she knew how i thought or felt about a thing, even though i had not adequately communicated. i'd actually get angry with her, assuming she was toying with me. The funny thing is, i quickly surpassed her when it came to communication her once i realized i had to use words.

Turned out i was less afraid of being open and vulnerable, and the tables turned. With me it was ignorance that kept me from communicating, with her it was fearful hiding. So, a word of warning to the self protective out there looking for communicating mates, be careful what you ask for.
1 month ago. Dec 9, 2020, 10:29 PM

We discuss it often on in The Cage. We even come up with terms to label it like "insta dom" or it's counterpoint "insta sub."  Those who are new to community, or remain staunchly ignorant. Fooling their self, and sometimes others, by assuming a title confers ability or authority. 

One of the narrower aspects to me is writing or speaking with presumed authority. Someone will write something with an air (err?) of presumed authority. Often, it seems, unconsciously. 

Few things shut me down faster than someone who writes or speaks as if they are a lecturing teacher in front of a room of imbeciles.  As if they are the learned authority on a topic, deigning to enlighten the masses.  

i hate it when i see it in my self too. i think it is something we all have to guard against?  That there is something in most of us that always wants to be right.  To me, unseeing, unlistening authority puts distance between us, people. Most of my self editing involves adding qualifiers like: "i think" or "to me" or "it seems to me."   It's not that i think it's wrong to hold an opinion or point of view, just that i think honesty demands humility. That we always are open to the fact that we could be wrong. Maybe it's because i came from an absolutist background where people controlled others by using ultimate or absolute authority, often subtly. It was a pecking order, so pretty much everyone got to be over someone else, even the passive aggressive. 

On the other hand, nothing/no one opens me faster than an open, vulnerable and honest person. Tricky, because there are sales people out there who know how to act. But genuine people to me exhude power in honesty not in a facade of know it all, or worse, being convinced they really do know so absolutely that they do not need to see or hear the person or people they are 'speaking' too. 

2 months ago. Nov 20, 2020, 8:10 PM

i notice two approaches when it comes to pleasing ones partner, thinking primarily sexual stuff here.  It seems more pronounced in D/s dynamic, but it may only seem "more pronounced" because we talk about sexual stuff more in D/s culture? idk

i self identify as "total bottom."  Some of that may be compensatory, idk. i spent half my life as a gay guy married and serving as a top to a sub bottom woman. i was trapped in a religious prison i finally escaped (not implying all religion is a prison, mine was though).

While i was still trying to be straight, i still wanted (needed) to be 'topped.'  my former wife made a few attempts, but she was so obviously not into it that i didn't want her to even try. i topped her all the time, and was good at giving her multiple orgasms, but over time she became aware of her own dissatisfaction.  Even though i was good at giving her orgasms, it was not enough. 

What was missing was mutual desire.  She wasn't wired to top, and neither am i.  It seems to me that "desire," those sexual needs we call "kinks," is a part of who we are, not something we just choose?  i tried most of my life to be something different from who i am. Not only did it not work, it almost destroyed me. i could feel my unacknowledged and un-affirmed self becoming invisible.

i don't think this is unique, i think a lot of us experience this. i believe there is a social construct, a cultural conditioning that shames and controls us into trying to give our intimate partners what they want/need in the name of 'love.'  i get this. i love/loved my former wife and desperately tried for 31 years to give her what she wanted/needed. But i could not, despite my sincere attempts. Most of that time i spent accusing myself of being broken and blaming myself every which way, over and over, continuously. She affirmed my self loathing, which made it harder. i don't think she was purposely mean or evil, it was our response to the rules and norms of our cultural conditioning. Not whining here, just trying to state the facts of how it was. 

What brings all of this to the surface today is i am doing some online fantasy on another site with a Bi guy. Despite my explaining my being a "total bottom," he seems intent on trying to get me to 'do' things that are 'top' to me. He wants to 'pleasure' me by touching my penis, and he wants me to pleasure him using my mouth/tongue on his anus. Some may laugh at my issue, as this is all online fantasy stuff. i hate role play, who and how i am is real for me, i do not consider anything i do sexually to be a "role" that i "play."  Which is not to criticize those who do, it just isn't me. Which i guess is the crux of this blog entry. i've tried discussing this with him, but he just does not seem to get it. He seems to be of the mind set that He is doing stuff i want, so i should be doing things he wants. The difference is, i would never ask, or want, him to do something that he doesn't want/need to do. I.e., i want all of my connections to be born out of mutual desire.  

Personally, i would rather go without than have a partner do something just because i want, or even need, it. For me (and i get the impression i am not alone in this) my desire/need is connected to my partners. i am continually beating the drum for compatibility because i do not think it is sustainable to give something that we do not have. To me, that is like imitation food. It may satisfy taste buds, but has no nutritional value. 

One of the things that complicates this is my sub nature. i cannot count the number of times i have done something for a Top/Dom because they tapped into my sub nature, but not my sub needs/desires.  my impression is that happens a lot in the D/s world, particularly in less mature or more casual connections? 


2 months ago. Nov 18, 2020, 2:06 AM

Was having a great conversation/exchange today on a blog written by FeistyMinx on one of those oft awkward topics (for some). A thought occurred to me while reading and conversing that "insta domming" or its flip side "insta subbing" can happen even in a well established, ltr.  That may be a 'well duh' for some, but it was a "oh, hey,  yeah" moment for me. 

i'm of the opinion that compatibility of kinks if vital to the health and sustainability of BDSM relationship. i don't think compatibility commonly gets a lot of positioning or consideration when exploring entering into a ltr or intimate, ongoing relationship. i'm convinced it is something practical we can consider before 'moving in together' (so to speak), that can safe a lot of grief later on. 

We do not necessarily enter a relationship aware of all of our kinks. Also, new wrinkles in our needs/desires, can not only be discovered along the way, but also newly acquired. From that came my "oh, hey, yeah" moment.  i wonder how often in an established relationship, that a new kink gets presented, and because of a well established pattern of D/s, the expectation on one side of the slash or the other, is for instant submission?  

my guess is, prolly not too often in mature relationships, because just their continued existence is likely evidence of ongoing trust and communication. But i know there can be a complex push/pull between kinks (which those who know me know that is define kinds as "personal sexual needs/desires). i know a lot of time, submission can be not just through one kink, but through a skillful creation of the Top/Dom connecting the dots of several kinks in His/Her sub to create a different, maybe more complex, submission.  It is in those machinations where i think the hazard exists for insta dom/sub. Where there is a history of submission in certain areas, but the addition of a new kink, even though connected to established kinks, makes it new territory for both the Dom and sub.  So the presumption or expectation of immediate submission may fail on some level, if not completely, 

2 months ago. Nov 17, 2020, 10:04 PM

This is just some random thoughts on covid and a window, for y'all who may be interested, into the life of a critical care nurse, who happens to be a kinkster too.

i've worked with Covid poz patients since the hospital where i work opened a special covid unit the first week of March 2020. Ironically? i got sick the last week of February and am fairly confident i had Covid... i'll likely never know since testing was not available for me at that point, just going by symptoms and my own familiarity with the disease.  my scientific emotional disposition was to hope/believe that having had the virus would confer some immunity, even though there was no (and still is no) evidence to support that notion. We don't know. Still, it did sort of plant a certain unwarranted emotional confidence in me.

That was not a 100% wacko conclusion, just part of my disposition. my first day back from being sick myself (the standards back then were low, i qualified to come back to work if i had not had a fever in two days), i cared for the hospitals first covid patient. It was touch and go for about a week, but the person eventually got better and left. i have since spent pretty much every other rotation working on the covid unit. Usually half the patients do not end up having covid, they are there for rule out. i volunteer for the ones i know are poz, a combination of scientific interest on my part and partly understanding that many of my cohorts cannot work on the unit for a variety of reasons, so covid nurses where i am are at a premium. 

Fast forward to November 2020, Covid is seeing it's highest spike in my state since the pandemic began. Back in June, our governor let up on restrictions. That's when i started having sex again. Not wonton whoring myself out sex, but with a few select fuck buddies.  That's persisted to now. i know some are still in sexual seclusion, i am in a semi secluded place. i have foregone 3 vacations to Palm Springs (aka "the gay Mecca") this year, my reluctant nod to covid. i stay at home, i wear my mask when out. No one washes their hands more than or better than i.

But... i still have sex with fuck buddies. 

i got to thinking about that this morning. One of the things that happens with nurses is a thing called "alarm fatigue."  As a hospital nurse on a critical care unit, i am literally exposed to multiple alarms every minute of my 12.5 hour shift. Alarm fatigue is a known and heavily studied (if not solved) challenge in the nursing profession. i have patients connected to telemetry, so heart alarms, pulse ox, so oxygen alarms, pumps of every sort, so pump alarms, to name a few. Then the double occupied rooms, full to the brim with patients who have call lights in their hand and are convinced they are at a five star resort with room service: yes, we actually get people who call us to cover them up or fluff their pillow even though they do this their self at home.  All of this adds up and contributes to alarm fatigue, where alarms become a wee bit less alarming. 

i've come to see that covid has had a similar affect on me. i'm around Covid at it's worst, all the time, so i guess i feel less alarmed by the risk from the guy on top of me. We also happen to be giving comfort, pleasure and respite to each other in trying times. Risk vs reward. It never is a simple yes or no question or answer it seems. 

2 months ago. Nov 10, 2020, 8:46 PM

Mind readers.

 i have been talking to a Dom guy online (from another place that is gay and has more than a few token gay folk lol). i like him a lot, and i think some of that feeling is mutual, idk.   We've been talking for a few days now, and i am in love. [laughing] fuck.  Feelings can be so stupid... and rich and intense.  Anyway, that is not what this is about. 

We wrote back and forth on the site we are on. i think part of my feminine side is the need/desire for communication? Give me a little encouragement and i will write a mini series back at you and drown you before you know what hit you (any women out there waving their hands and saying "me too"?).  But during our written exchange, he alluded to how "... a sub should be able to sense what his Dom wants and how he feels" (paraphrasing), and a little red flag went up in me. Not the size of the one flying over the Kremlin, more like the one you find in a cup cake during a celebration. The kind you just pull out and set aside before devouring the cup cake.  i was in devouring mode on this one.

As my notes got longer and more numerous, at one point he said: "this is getting ridiculous" then in the next he wrote: "My number is xxxxxxxxxx. Send me your number so I can add it to my contacts."  Those are verbatim. So i picked up my phone and put his info in my contacts and sent him a text as a way of giving him my number.  i set my phone aside and went back to the site, then about a minute later looked at my phone and realized he had called me twice and gone to voice mail (he didn't leave a message).  So, i immediately called him back and his first response was to imply that i was ignoring him. When i explained my ringer was off (i had just had an annoying iphone update and it changed my settings), he didn't believe me. His attitude took me by surprise. i guess it's a part of the times we live in where mistrust is so high?  He then explained how his sending me his number was an invitation to call him. i repeated to him what he had written and explained that my text was how i sent the contact info he wanted, that he had not asked for a phone call, think i added that i am not a mind reader, how would i know he expected a phone call.

Bottom line is, i don't think he saw what i was talking about and i think he remained convinced that somehow i had ignored his calls (even though i returned them in less than 2 minutes) and that i disregarded an invitation to call him in the first place. i am bothered by the thought that that idea is filed away in his brain as part of the picture he is forming of me rather than him taking me at my word. i sort of get it, we just met, so he trusts himself more than he trusts me. 

We talked for 3 hours, laughed a lot, i really like him. Tied in with the conversation and subsequent written exchanges, i am still getting the feeling he wants me to know more about him than he has actually articulated (aka "mind read").  i tried to broach the topic, saying stuff like: "yeah, when a couple has been together for awhile and they get to know each other, some things don't have to be spoken."   But i still have this eery feeling that he want's me to 'know' what he wants or how he feels without him having to actually say it. And that concerns me. 

i grew up in a family of non communicators. my response was to lose myself in books. I was a reader from an early age, consuming books when i was eight or nine years old. They became my friends.  i remember trying to continuously engage my father as a kid, to no avail (he was my first encounter with an insta dom who only uses 4 word sentences to express their deepest feelings...kidding... sort of).  my dad was a great guy, never abusive, provided well, so much better than his dad who abandoned him as a one year old). He was just quiet, incommunicado.  And he had a little gay kid who LOVED to communicate and turn over every thought or feeling and examine it every which way (lol, poor guy).  

The result was, i grew up having to figure out what the important people in my life were thinking and feeling. i became a 'mind reader.'  i even bought a book titled "People Reading" when i was 13.  i actually got pretty good at reading people, but the reality is, no one can read minds. i was wrong as often as i was right, but i didn't  realize. This was my 'normal', i didn't realize that people actually could speak and share their thoughts and feelings. Haha, okay, this is retrospective understanding, but that was pretty much the way it was. 

i got married at an early age (i was a kid still, had a lot of growing up to do). The first couple of years were so hard. Besides being gay and religiously repressed by my beliefs, i also had this mind reading handicap.  i would get frustrated and angry (read: "hurt"), when my wife would look at me and say she did not realize how i felt or thought about certain things, things i thought she knew... but had never actually articulated to her.

Turns out mind readers not only think they know what others are thinking or their intent, they expect the same from others (and they expect it to be spot on). All of this was not on a conscious level for me, it was just my 'normal,' it was all i knew. 

The funny thing is, when i had my epiphany and realized how communication works, it was as if a life time of bottled up stuff was uncapped. i turned out to be the more communicative one in my marriage (she was afraid to be open, extremely smart, just hidden). And now the poor guys who connect with me often get the full force of my desire/need to communicate and connect.

Of course, i (we) still have no control over the other person. i think it's one of the bigger impediments to relationship that i see discussed on this site (i.e. communication, or the lack thereof).  

i think part of this is due to the fact that many guys have had similar experience as myself, especially from older generations.  It's changing, but guys are often culturally conditioned to hide their feelings. Hell, guys are often taught that "men are rational and women are emotional."  When i became a nurse, a mostly female dominated profession, i found out that the women i interacted with were often far more rational than the men i had interacted with when i was in executive management.  i think men are just as emotional as women (though the feelings may be different), but they are taught to bury their feelings, not be aware of their feelings.

Men often don't even know their feelings and associated thoughts exist, let alone know how to express them. But i believe they are there none the less, and men want to be known, understood and loved as much as women... but i think a lot of men are stuck in the mind reading loop.

i should qualify that i don't think this is just a guy thing, though maybe more prevalent among guys?  I've experienced it as a guy and am more familiar with it with guys, so this particular blog entry is slanted that way. i don't want to come off as absolutist on this, i am not.  i have met more than a few women who expect mind reading as well.  i don't think its an exclusive thing, matched to gender. 

2 months ago. Nov 8, 2020, 9:43 PM

There's been a fair amount of discussion in The Cage (and subsequent maligning) of "insta doms" (and the corresponding "insta subs").  

To me, both are mostly evidence of ignorance and immaturity, not outright asshatery... though it usually seems to present as such, eh? lol

i have a theory that minority populations, like BDSM, can be slower to evolve in some areas (maybe faster in others?) because they/we have more barriers to overcome? 

i can trace my sub nature back to childhood, as young as 5. i had my first crush on a guy at 7.  In retrospect, i can see his dom nature and my sub nature interacting even in our immaturity and ignorance.  i can see many dom interactions throughout  my childhood, many were bullies.

As an adult, i still encounter bullies in the form of "instadoms,' but i have come to view those people as ignorant and immature. i think many are legitimately "dom" (or same with insta subs) in nature, but just ill informed and/or immature.  Kind of like the school yard kid who kicks or hits the 'object' of their affection because they do not understand their feelings or how to express them in a way that connects them with the kind of person they want/need. 

i think communities like this can be immensely helpful. We discuss, read and learn together and grow in our understanding of who and how we are and who and how those we want and need are. 

Meanwhile, it helps me to consider this stuff when an insta dom steps up and kicks me in the school yard. There is hope that he will wander into a class room after recess and learn how to develop and express who he (she) is and eventually find and provide fulfillment.

2 months ago. Nov 3, 2020, 3:40 AM

So it has been dubbed. Supposedly the male 'g spot?"  i've bought several prostate massagers and have usually been disappointed on several levels. i'm a total bottom and have been my whole life, so i am not a beginner and it seems most of these things are made for 'beginners.'  But i recently found one that has some length and girth and thought, okay, let's give it a try. 

i buy 'toys' (they are not really toys to me, they are serious and i really want them to be an extension of my Top/Dom mate, so i buy the in a fit of fantasy. They are also about half physical for me and half psychological. Maybe even more psychological?  

For me, my ideal is a Top/Dom who treats my penis totally differently from His cock. i really connect when He views it sort of like a woman's clitoris ("like", not talking 'fem' or trans person here, i am neither), just speaking "different."  The big difference is, as a bottom, i see myself as being penetrated, but never penetrating. To me, Tops/Doms create (pro-create?) but molding, possessing, putting a part of Their self in or signature on their bottom/sub. my need is as a receptacle of sorts.  So, i feel very affirmed when a Top/Dom just naturally treats my penis as different from HIs cock, and there are lots of variations on that that i have experienced... every Top/Dom is a little different.  

Which brings me back to my "p spot."  For me, when a Top/Dom not only knows about that, but it is His only real interest when it comes to my sexuality, i again feel deeply aroused and affirmed. Psychologically, there is a sense that the only way He wants/needs to touch me sexually is internally, by probing and manipulating me internally to get the result He wants and i need and want as well. 

So, a prostate plug/massager, for me, becomes a conditioning/training tool. If my penis is treated differently and the focus becomes internal, the massager/plug becomes a way of focusing that part of me... or could. The problem for me has been how ineffective the ones i have tried are... but it seems like this one comes really close to being a potential focusing/training tool. i tried it lying down, not really much there. But then i imagined going to a restaurant with my Mate and Him inserting it into me before we go (it has a remote control) And... okay, i can see how this would work... it's pretty damned distracting lol. Now all i need is a Top/Dom to associate it with, but it's good to know of the possibilities.

Ideally, i'd love to be conditioned to orgasm from only my Top/Doms internal stimulation or manipulation of me. For me, there is something deeply psychologically appealing about being dependent on Him touching me internally and having control over my pleasure in that way. 

The p spot makes sense to me on so many levels. 

2 months ago. Nov 2, 2020, 10:00 PM

i'm in the middle of my workweek. Critical care nurse, 13 hour shifts. three days on, one off (off today), three more on starting tomorrow, then off for seven days. i've had this schedule 7 years and sometimes question my sanity... but that is not what this is about.

After three days of work, i tend to be a little hornier than usual, so my thoughts (and feelings) turn to sex. i sometimes feel a little on the outside here because, for me, the D/s dynamic is more of a sexual thing. i am attracted to the psychological side of sex along with the physical, so when i say "sexual" it probably infiltrates other areas that are not traditionally considered "sexual?"  i have a decided kinky side, so i get turned on by more than a few things that are not traditionally "sexual."  But stuff like washing dishes or assigned tasks doesn't really touch me... maybe i just have never experienced that properly?

 i cook, clean, do laundry, the dishes... and none of it makes me feel "sub" or sexy.  For awhile, i kept getting approached by guys who wanted me to worship their feet. That didn't find a place in me either. i do self describe in my profile as "total bottom... with some sub."  i have definitely experienced the sub side of myself, so i bristle when a D/s 'authority' tries to tell me i am not sub. Nah, i spent to many years of my life being invisible, not going back into that closet. Besides, i have several Dom's who can attest to my sub side, so i know i am not making it up. 

i've read some descriptions of "bedroom sub." But that doesn't quite fit either, i'm pretty sexual in and out of the bedroom lol, so i'm probably a sexual bottom with some sub and some fringe that goes a little beyond that?  

Either way, i cannot honestly separate my bottom or sub or __________ parts from my sexuality. Which seems like yet another reason for some to rule me out as a potential. 

D/s has so many angles. i often feel like a stranger to it when i read posts about getting punished because tasks were not done properly.  It just doesn't connect with me. For me, being possessed sexually has plenty of potential with out having to deal with dirty laundry. 


Sorry... this was a random blog, brain is in recovery mode today lol.

2 months ago. Oct 30, 2020, 12:38 AM

i woke up recently (about 10 years ago) and realized, i guess i am no longer "young."  I've always managed to look younger than i am, luck of the draw (and moisturizer). i was one of those guys who everyone thought was still in high school at age 30. That lasted till about early 50's, then i got gray hair. i didn't know it. One day i heard my secretary describing me to someone in Baltimore who was going to pick me up on a business trip: "he's a tall skinny guy with gray hair."  I whirled around, looked at her and said: "i don't have gray hair!"  She just rolled her eyes at me, and i knew, not only had i gone gray, but apparently blind as well. It was a big blow. But i still managed to have some youth in my face. my point is, i have never lied about my age, even now when it is a lot more of an inconvenience. Oh, i'm tempted, but understanding wins out. i am looking for serious connections with people, and i know that lying is a barrier to real connection. So fuck, i post my age for all the world to see. fuck. (lol)

i'm HIV +, on meds and undetectable.  i put that in my profiles as well. Strike two.  i could be chagrinned at the number of people who's understanding is  still emotionally and cognitively in the 80's.  Reality is, i am one of the safer guys out their cruising the alley ways of the net. i'm honest, i get routinely checked for std's and "undetectable=un-transmissible."   This is prolly a bigger deal in the gay world, but maybe not, i hook with as many bisexual guys as i do gays. The stigma and ignorance behind it is still alive and well though.  I get it. i didn't want HIV, and i was lucky to dodge that bullet most of my life (poz for 4 years now).  i'm pretty sure the guy who gave it to me knew he was poz and lied to me despite my asking.  But i do not know that for sure, and do not blame him either way. i loved the intimacy i shared with him and knew the risks. The 'risks' were worth it for me and still are. Most of us as kinksters are acquainted with stigma. What has stood out to me since being poz is how willfully naive we can be to get past internalized stigma. People ask "are you clean?" As if by asking they will somehow be able to protect their self from catching an STD.  If people do not purposely lie, they simply delude themselves.  i read a profile on a gay hook up site recently that said "HIV neg, tested Nov 2019." The likelihood of someone on a gay sex hook up site not having had sex since 11/19 is slim to none, even in the age of Covid.  But i have read ads like this frequently, prior to Covid.  Human nature seems to want reassurance, even if it is absurd. 

We all have stuff that we'd rather not expose. It's not so much that we don't want to expose ourselves, it's that we don't want to feel the sting of rejection. It's an emotional response though, not one of reason. Which doesn't make it any less important, but our feelings can be deceptive.  To me, the goal of relationship (living for me) is to connect with others as much and at the deepest levels possible. But we cannot connect what we hide, and those are often areas of our greatest need/desire. Areas that we've been conditioned to hide, and even reject, as bad or unworthy.  

i've experienced plenty of rejection in life, have felt the loss of everything. But what i lost was a semblance of connection, a facade relationship. Being open and honest costs... but what does it cost? Monopoly money?

 i have also known true acceptance and that is sublime. I think it is life itself. So, i make here an argument for openness, for vulnerability. Not advocating wearing one's heart on the proverbial sleeve. I am talking taking some risk though.  The alternative is to die never having been known and with that the potential of being known and loved. 

2 months ago. Oct 28, 2020, 6:25 PM

i am thinking about "conditioning, training (and the darker version grooming?) in a D/s dynamic.  i think about this pretty often as guy who is deeply into 'mind fuck' (that has no negative connotation for me).  

One of the attributes i am strongly drawn to in a Dom/Top is their creative nature. That's a sort of double entendre to me, i see "creative" as a natural drive to 'procreate' (their self) in another. i also see it from the sort of artistic stance, where a Dom/Top is into creating different ways to, well, create, affect, mark, sign, etc., His/Her sub/bottom. 

i currently do not think a Dom/Top "makes" a sub/bottom as part of that creative energy, but rather, surfaces and exposes what is there. But i also see where a Dom/Top can mold and change what is there as part of that creative energy. As with other aspects of D/s dynamic, this kind of "molding, conditioning, training, _________"  can be a delicate dance. 

i think of "hard limits."  One of mine is physical pain. i suspect a lot of my attitude towards pain is a result of having a lot of it as a kid. i attracted bullies like carrion attracts flies.  As an adult, i compensated by getting a second degree black belt. Don't fuck with me lol.  i only sort of begin to understand S/m, but only from a distance... book knowledge. Yet, i confess to having an attraction and arousal about hand spanking. i have never seriously experienced this from a Dom/Top who was really into it, so my attraction is all imaginary. i have zero attraction to the pain part of it, for me, i imagine a Dom/Top who is alternately petting then spanking me, and my arousal/desire is, of course, attached to His. But beyond that generic need/desire in me to please Him, is my more specific need/desire to have his "mark" on me. The idea of Him putting His hand print on my ass is my collaring point in this. So, i can see how hand spanking might be my S/m gateway kink? lol idk. i might find i wouldn't even tolerate the pain of being hand spanked in reality.

Then there are the so called "soft limits."  i can see where conditioning could shift and mold me pretty effectively in this area. It would still take a skilled and aware Dom/Top. Nothing shuts me down faster than the presumption of force. One of my example kinks in this category is "watersports" (WS).  i was introduced to WS by a long time fuck buddy. We had this set up where he would come in my opened door and find me naked and prone on my bed and He would mount and breed me (usually wordlessly) and leave. Our conversation was by email, but we rarely talked when we got together.  we did get to know each other well through our written exchanges though. i offer that explanation as a preface to this: on one occasion, after he had cum deep inside of me, i felt the usual weight of His body relaxing on top of mine, covering me and sort of melding in. i love the sigh and release of a Top when His orgasm and pleasure are transferred from Him and become mine. But He lingered for awhile, which was sort of new. Moments later, i felt his cock twitching inside of me and began to experience a full feeling and realized He was pissing inside of me. At first, i was startled, but He knew me well and knew He could get away with surprising me in this way... and He did. He knew exactly what to say. He whispered: "please? this is so good, i need this."  And he had me. my being startled instantly turned into arousal and submission.  Before He left, he asked me to hold it in as long as i could so i would absorb him into me. Again, he knew just what to say. i did. The result was, when i peed i could smell His piss mixed with mine. It was a form of impregnation, and He knew my need/desires in that way and used them, surfaced them to 'control' me for His desire. But really, He just skillfully surfaced and linked our diesires/needs. 

That experience opened me to "WS" and i have since experienced it in that way and it's a strong psychological/physical collaring place for me. It has also got me thinking and imagining other forms of WS. Taking a Tops piss anally is one thing, but the idea of taking it orally, actually swallowing it leaves me ambivalent. i always have the desire to please a Top/Dom, but that all by itself rarely evokes submission from me. Connect that to a kink in me, and that can become the sort of internal "collar" where a Dom/Top can attach His leash (i.e., his own desire/need). 

my "ambivalence" is, on the desire side, i want to please/pleasure my Dom/Top. i also have experienced and been collared by the insemination, impregnation, marking aspects of WS. On the flip side, the idea of drinking piss literally scares me.  Not in a health sense, yogi's have been doing stuff like that for centuries. It's a fear of being overwhelmed by the taste, quantity that scares me. i'd also shut down if a Dom/Top did it out of meanness or bullying. The degradation/humiliation aspect has a strong pull for me, but only as it relates to a Dom/Tops affection for me and his need and desire. 

So, my imaginary work around is a Dom/Top who gradually, patiently "conditions, trains (molds?)"  me to drink and swallow His piss from his cock. 

To me, this serves as an example of how a Dom/Top can 'change" or "create" something He needs/desires in His sub/bottom.