blah, blah, blog

my attention was recently caught by a forum topic titled: "Forced orgasm and piss control."  I have nothing against the tread, even offered some input, but confess i was disappointed by what it ended up being about: the OP was looking for advice on how to control her bladder durning forced orgasm. 

i was approached by a guy on a gay kink site a few months ago, He wanted to put me in a diaper. Internally, my response was sort of 'meh.'  But He continued to talk, pursue and i realized that the diaper was an accessory (which turns out to be a double entendre here), that His real goal was "piss control." As a total bottom with some sub, soft Dom stuff gets my attention, and this guy was implying controlling my continence.  The combination of His obvious lust and the element of controlling my continence, for me, is akin to orgasm control. Or it's related somehow in my wiring? Penis, pee, penis orgasm, both have a sort of tension (beyond erection), both experience a pleasurable release. A Top lusting for control over that in me? Okay, bunch of buttons pushed and i'm officially turned on. 

i'm not particularly turned on by piss or pee (yeah, i do make all sorts of distinctions emotionally that get voice cognitively, "Tops. Dom's, Men, etc., piss' and "bottoms, subs, bois, etc., pee").  But for me, if it comes out of a Mans cock and is connected to His pleasure or desire, my attention is riveted> For me, it's 'seed'. If He takes control of my continence, it's another form of Him owning my orgasm. 

"Forced orgasm" got my attention because, my total bottom wiring is such that my Tops orgasm is what i crave. When He has an orgasm and 'puts' it in me, it's like His orgasm magically transfers from Him to me. i am actually disappointed when i orgasm, particularly from having my penis touched. So, "forced orgasm" takes on a whole different meaning for me. i edge, not to have an eventual orgasm, but to stay in a state of high need and desire to pleasure my Top and receive His orgasm. There's a very real symbiosis for me in a Top/bottom, Dom/sub relationship.  For Him to give me an orgasm by stimulating my penis is always, in a sense, forced. It's how He can pause my horny need to please His cock, while the other kind of orgasm control where He controls me from having one, leaves me in a state or at the edge of craving to please Him sexually.  Being opposite of a Top, the former is disappointing while the latter is fulfilling. 

my version of "Forced orgasm and pee control."  

Sometimes people send me songs that particularly touch them, wanting me to feel something either from or with them. More often than not, it doesn't happen. Music seems to have this magical side to it where a combination of sound and lyric can zing us, or not. So i am aware of this as i post (oh nooooo) a song.  But i imagine many, if not most of us can relate to parts of what i am sharing?

 For years, i never even heard words, everything was sound for me, and i could be deeply moved by it. But as i got older, there were artists who pulled me in with their words. Joni Mitchell is one of the artists who captured me with so many of her songs. i've been an ardent fan since my 20's. But it wasn't until the last 10 years or so, that i came to realize i wasn't so much just enjoying her story as relating to it. i mean, she's a girl after all, and i'm a boy. i'm not a trans person, gay, so my inner wiring is mixed. But i hear her songs, and so often i am dead center the singer, rules of who and how i should be all go out the window in the face of reality.

Have thought of this a lot and think my line of thinking would probably resonate with many people who have these as part of their identity. For instance, when i was married (to a woman), even though i was gay and that was the most obvious elephant in the room, i came to understand that we were also both bottom and sub natures. So, our chemistry sucked all around (and not in a good way).

i always include both descriptors in profiles and explanations though, because for me, they are different and their order of importance is different too. i have found that that is not unique to me or people on my side of the slash, but i have also found it can be important distinction for Top/Dom people to know about and understand as well. 

When i first started exploring D/s culture, i ran into a lot of people identifying as both Dom and sub who had that black or white definition of those predilections that lots of us here in this community have come to relegate to immaturity or ignorance. But i think we all have bias and a natural tendency to be ethnocentric, even with D/s stuff, so it's prolly good to always be aware that we may not be as aware as we think we are.

Sorry, that was a long prelude.

i am "bottom/sub," with the "bottom" part in front (which sounds counter intuitive as i read it). What i mean is, my sub nature follows my bottom nature, and i know it's opposite for others. For me, the more a Top knows about how to 'penetrate' me, the more skilled and connected He is to that process, the more sub i become with Him. And really, "connected" should proceed "skilled." For me, presence and awareness (that leads to connected to my way of thinking), is far more important than "skill."  "Penetration" has myriad forms and meaning to me, not just talking about physical. To me, and i think really this is a part of most bottom nature, the best and most powerful penetration is holistic, it involves the whole person, not just the physical. If my observation is correct, i think the opposite is also true, i.e., the most powerful (and pleasurable?) penetration for a Top is also holistic?  

Re the order and connection of bottom/sub though... (and this reads way too clinical to me, it isn't, so sorry for 'sounding' that way), the most powerful and effective influencing/handling for me happens when a Top connects and penetrates me skillfully and thoroughly. For me, it's sort of like an avalanche when it happens, or one door opens the other. The more my bottom nature is accessed and handled, the more submissive i become.  i have found that things i never would have 'submitted" too initially, are things i am opened to (not open to, opened to), when well 'penetrated' first. 

i think about "cock" a lot (yeah, well, i am a gay bottom).  But for me, "cock" is so much more than the male penis, it's a whole state of being to which that organ is attached. The word has so many connotations/meanings/derivations.

It's a male bird with a few attitudinal associations that are less than flattering?  "He's so cocky." "Strutting around like a cock." "Cocksure."  Or there is cocks brother, "dick" ("don't be a dick"). 

For me, "cock" in its more splendid (and 'matured/evolved/aware') form is so many things. It's a natural energy, drive, need to (at its base?) to procreate. Which i see, at least in part, as need (and subsequent desire) to impart something of self in another. For me, that is a major distinction between "Top/bottom," "Dom/sub," etc.. The one seems wired to 'put' and the opposite to 'receive.'  But i think that energy goes well beyond the physical, and that most who become members of a BDSM culture, at least sense that at some level, and want to explore and experience that energy in its myriad forms. 

i've experienced Tops/Doms who were so connected that their finger, or a 'toy' or ____________, was "cock." i've also been with guys who could insert their male sex organ, even if physically large, but it wasn't 'cock' (or much of one? size matters). Then i have been with hook up, 'anonymous' encounters where the Top was so connected and the energy so palpable that i've had to bite my mattress to keep from declaring my undying love and adoration. 

As i perceive things, our particular kinks are what makes us individuals, they are our own particular ingredients that express our Top or Dom or bottom or sub or__________ nature. But the 'nature' is the underlying drive/desire that i believe is based on need. i think there is a symbiotic dependence for nurture, that each needs the other.  

When i say "i need cock" it is not a one sided need that i need. What does a Top/Dom say? idk, "i need pussy"?  The point is, the balance, each needs the other. 

Yeah, i know, i am saying what has been said so many times before... ill stop. 

i've been away for awhile, several months i looks like?  my absence has not been a rejection of this community, which i really love, there are some wonderful people here. But in some ways being here makes my own needs and desires feel more keen. As a gay bottom with some sub, there were not a lot of Top/Dom guys on here looking for a guy bottom/sub (i met only two while i was here, and both turned out to be disingenuous) so it is easy to feel like a third wheel. Getting excited and happy about being able to be open, yet not experiencing Guy who is interested in a dynamic guy with guy, was frustrating that need/desire in me.  Plus there is often a presumption in posts that everyone here is straight, that straight is the default setting. Then i get this email from The Cage informing me there have been >2000 new members since i left, so hope is rekindled that there may be some of my kind in the community mix. 

So, i am back for now and reconnecting. Enjoying reading and responding to threads and blogs. 

We discuss it often on in The Cage. We even come up with terms to label it like "insta dom" or it's counterpoint "insta sub."  Those who are new to community, or remain staunchly ignorant. Fooling their self, and sometimes others, by assuming a title confers ability or authority. 

One of the narrower aspects to me is writing or speaking with presumed authority. Someone will write something with an air (err?) of presumed authority. Often, it seems, unconsciously. 

Few things shut me down faster than someone who writes or speaks as if they are a lecturing teacher in front of a room of imbeciles.  As if they are the learned authority on a topic, deigning to enlighten the masses.  

i hate it when i see it in my self too. i think it is something we all have to guard against?  That there is something in most of us that always wants to be right.  To me, unseeing, unlistening authority puts distance between us, people. Most of my self editing involves adding qualifiers like: "i think" or "to me" or "it seems to me."   It's not that i think it's wrong to hold an opinion or point of view, just that i think honesty demands humility. That we always are open to the fact that we could be wrong. Maybe it's because i came from an absolutist background where people controlled others by using ultimate or absolute authority, often subtly. It was a pecking order, so pretty much everyone got to be over someone else, even the passive aggressive. 

On the other hand, nothing/no one opens me faster than an open, vulnerable and honest person. Tricky, because there are sales people out there who know how to act. But genuine people to me exhude power in honesty not in a facade of know it all, or worse, being convinced they really do know so absolutely that they do not need to see or hear the person or people they are 'speaking' too. 

i notice two approaches when it comes to pleasing ones partner, thinking primarily sexual stuff here.  It seems more pronounced in D/s dynamic, but it may only seem "more pronounced" because we talk about sexual stuff more in D/s culture? idk

i self identify as "total bottom."  Some of that may be compensatory, idk. i spent half my life as a gay guy married and serving as a top to a sub bottom woman. i was trapped in a religious prison i finally escaped (not implying all religion is a prison, mine was though).

While i was still trying to be straight, i still wanted (needed) to be 'topped.'  my former wife made a few attempts, but she was so obviously not into it that i didn't want her to even try. i topped her all the time, and was good at giving her multiple orgasms, but over time she became aware of her own dissatisfaction.  Even though i was good at giving her orgasms, it was not enough. 

What was missing was mutual desire.  She wasn't wired to top, and neither am i.  It seems to me that "desire," those sexual needs we call "kinks," is a part of who we are, not something we just choose?  i tried most of my life to be something different from who i am. Not only did it not work, it almost destroyed me. i could feel my unacknowledged and un-affirmed self becoming invisible.

i don't think this is unique, i think a lot of us experience this. i believe there is a social construct, a cultural conditioning that shames and controls us into trying to give our intimate partners what they want/need in the name of 'love.'  i get this. i love/loved my former wife and desperately tried for 31 years to give her what she wanted/needed. But i could not, despite my sincere attempts. Most of that time i spent accusing myself of being broken and blaming myself every which way, over and over, continuously. She affirmed my self loathing, which made it harder. i don't think she was purposely mean or evil, it was our response to the rules and norms of our cultural conditioning. Not whining here, just trying to state the facts of how it was. 

What brings all of this to the surface today is i am doing some online fantasy on another site with a Bi guy. Despite my explaining my being a "total bottom," he seems intent on trying to get me to 'do' things that are 'top' to me. He wants to 'pleasure' me by touching my penis, and he wants me to pleasure him using my mouth/tongue on his anus. Some may laugh at my issue, as this is all online fantasy stuff. i hate role play, who and how i am is real for me, i do not consider anything i do sexually to be a "role" that i "play."  Which is not to criticize those who do, it just isn't me. Which i guess is the crux of this blog entry. i've tried discussing this with him, but he just does not seem to get it. He seems to be of the mind set that He is doing stuff i want, so i should be doing things he wants. The difference is, i would never ask, or want, him to do something that he doesn't want/need to do. I.e., i want all of my connections to be born out of mutual desire.  

Personally, i would rather go without than have a partner do something just because i want, or even need, it. For me (and i get the impression i am not alone in this) my desire/need is connected to my partners. i am continually beating the drum for compatibility because i do not think it is sustainable to give something that we do not have. To me, that is like imitation food. It may satisfy taste buds, but has no nutritional value. 

One of the things that complicates this is my sub nature. i cannot count the number of times i have done something for a Top/Dom because they tapped into my sub nature, but not my sub needs/desires.  my impression is that happens a lot in the D/s world, particularly in less mature or more casual connections? 

Was having a great conversation/exchange today on a blog written by FeistyMinx on one of those oft awkward topics (for some). A thought occurred to me while reading and conversing that "insta domming" or its flip side "insta subbing" can happen even in a well established, ltr.  That may be a 'well duh' for some, but it was a "oh, hey,  yeah" moment for me. 

i'm of the opinion that compatibility of kinks if vital to the health and sustainability of BDSM relationship. i don't think compatibility commonly gets a lot of positioning or consideration when exploring entering into a ltr or intimate, ongoing relationship. i'm convinced it is something practical we can consider before 'moving in together' (so to speak), that can safe a lot of grief later on. 

We do not necessarily enter a relationship aware of all of our kinks. Also, new wrinkles in our needs/desires, can not only be discovered along the way, but also newly acquired. From that came my "oh, hey, yeah" moment.  i wonder how often in an established relationship, that a new kink gets presented, and because of a well established pattern of D/s, the expectation on one side of the slash or the other, is for instant submission?  

my guess is, prolly not too often in mature relationships, because just their continued existence is likely evidence of ongoing trust and communication. But i know there can be a complex push/pull between kinks (which those who know me know that is define kinds as "personal sexual needs/desires). i know a lot of time, submission can be not just through one kink, but through a skillful creation of the Top/Dom connecting the dots of several kinks in His/Her sub to create a different, maybe more complex, submission.  It is in those machinations where i think the hazard exists for insta dom/sub. Where there is a history of submission in certain areas, but the addition of a new kink, even though connected to established kinks, makes it new territory for both the Dom and sub.  So the presumption or expectation of immediate submission may fail on some level, if not completely, 

This is just some random thoughts on covid and a window, for y'all who may be interested, into the life of a critical care nurse, who happens to be a kinkster too.

i've worked with Covid poz patients since the hospital where i work opened a special covid unit the first week of March 2020. Ironically? i got sick the last week of February and am fairly confident i had Covid... i'll likely never know since testing was not available for me at that point, just going by symptoms and my own familiarity with the disease.  my scientific emotional disposition was to hope/believe that having had the virus would confer some immunity, even though there was no (and still is no) evidence to support that notion. We don't know. Still, it did sort of plant a certain unwarranted emotional confidence in me.

That was not a 100% wacko conclusion, just part of my disposition. my first day back from being sick myself (the standards back then were low, i qualified to come back to work if i had not had a fever in two days), i cared for the hospitals first covid patient. It was touch and go for about a week, but the person eventually got better and left. i have since spent pretty much every other rotation working on the covid unit. Usually half the patients do not end up having covid, they are there for rule out. i volunteer for the ones i know are poz, a combination of scientific interest on my part and partly understanding that many of my cohorts cannot work on the unit for a variety of reasons, so covid nurses where i am are at a premium. 

Fast forward to November 2020, Covid is seeing it's highest spike in my state since the pandemic began. Back in June, our governor let up on restrictions. That's when i started having sex again. Not wonton whoring myself out sex, but with a few select fuck buddies.  That's persisted to now. i know some are still in sexual seclusion, i am in a semi secluded place. i have foregone 3 vacations to Palm Springs (aka "the gay Mecca") this year, my reluctant nod to covid. i stay at home, i wear my mask when out. No one washes their hands more than or better than i.

But... i still have sex with fuck buddies. 

i got to thinking about that this morning. One of the things that happens with nurses is a thing called "alarm fatigue."  As a hospital nurse on a critical care unit, i am literally exposed to multiple alarms every minute of my 12.5 hour shift. Alarm fatigue is a known and heavily studied (if not solved) challenge in the nursing profession. i have patients connected to telemetry, so heart alarms, pulse ox, so oxygen alarms, pumps of every sort, so pump alarms, to name a few. Then the double occupied rooms, full to the brim with patients who have call lights in their hand and are convinced they are at a five star resort with room service: yes, we actually get people who call us to cover them up or fluff their pillow even though they do this their self at home.  All of this adds up and contributes to alarm fatigue, where alarms become a wee bit less alarming. 

i've come to see that covid has had a similar affect on me. i'm around Covid at it's worst, all the time, so i guess i feel less alarmed by the risk from the guy on top of me. We also happen to be giving comfort, pleasure and respite to each other in trying times. Risk vs reward. It never is a simple yes or no question or answer it seems. 

Mind readers.

 i have been talking to a Dom guy online (from another place that is gay and has more than a few token gay folk lol). i like him a lot, and i think some of that feeling is mutual, idk.   We've been talking for a few days now, and i am in love. [laughing] fuck.  Feelings can be so stupid... and rich and intense.  Anyway, that is not what this is about. 

We wrote back and forth on the site we are on. i think part of my feminine side is the need/desire for communication? Give me a little encouragement and i will write a mini series back at you and drown you before you know what hit you (any women out there waving their hands and saying "me too"?).  But during our written exchange, he alluded to how "... a sub should be able to sense what his Dom wants and how he feels" (paraphrasing), and a little red flag went up in me. Not the size of the one flying over the Kremlin, more like the one you find in a cup cake during a celebration. The kind you just pull out and set aside before devouring the cup cake.  i was in devouring mode on this one.

As my notes got longer and more numerous, at one point he said: "this is getting ridiculous" then in the next he wrote: "My number is xxxxxxxxxx. Send me your number so I can add it to my contacts."  Those are verbatim. So i picked up my phone and put his info in my contacts and sent him a text as a way of giving him my number.  i set my phone aside and went back to the site, then about a minute later looked at my phone and realized he had called me twice and gone to voice mail (he didn't leave a message).  So, i immediately called him back and his first response was to imply that i was ignoring him. When i explained my ringer was off (i had just had an annoying iphone update and it changed my settings), he didn't believe me. His attitude took me by surprise. i guess it's a part of the times we live in where mistrust is so high?  He then explained how his sending me his number was an invitation to call him. i repeated to him what he had written and explained that my text was how i sent the contact info he wanted, that he had not asked for a phone call, think i added that i am not a mind reader, how would i know he expected a phone call.

Bottom line is, i don't think he saw what i was talking about and i think he remained convinced that somehow i had ignored his calls (even though i returned them in less than 2 minutes) and that i disregarded an invitation to call him in the first place. i am bothered by the thought that that idea is filed away in his brain as part of the picture he is forming of me rather than him taking me at my word. i sort of get it, we just met, so he trusts himself more than he trusts me. 

We talked for 3 hours, laughed a lot, i really like him. Tied in with the conversation and subsequent written exchanges, i am still getting the feeling he wants me to know more about him than he has actually articulated (aka "mind read").  i tried to broach the topic, saying stuff like: "yeah, when a couple has been together for awhile and they get to know each other, some things don't have to be spoken."   But i still have this eery feeling that he want's me to 'know' what he wants or how he feels without him having to actually say it. And that concerns me. 

i grew up in a family of non communicators. my response was to lose myself in books. I was a reader from an early age, consuming books when i was eight or nine years old. They became my friends.  i remember trying to continuously engage my father as a kid, to no avail (he was my first encounter with an insta dom who only uses 4 word sentences to express their deepest feelings...kidding... sort of).  my dad was a great guy, never abusive, provided well, so much better than his dad who abandoned him as a one year old). He was just quiet, incommunicado.  And he had a little gay kid who LOVED to communicate and turn over every thought or feeling and examine it every which way (lol, poor guy).  

The result was, i grew up having to figure out what the important people in my life were thinking and feeling. i became a 'mind reader.'  i even bought a book titled "People Reading" when i was 13.  i actually got pretty good at reading people, but the reality is, no one can read minds. i was wrong as often as i was right, but i didn't  realize. This was my 'normal', i didn't realize that people actually could speak and share their thoughts and feelings. Haha, okay, this is retrospective understanding, but that was pretty much the way it was. 

i got married at an early age (i was a kid still, had a lot of growing up to do). The first couple of years were so hard. Besides being gay and religiously repressed by my beliefs, i also had this mind reading handicap.  i would get frustrated and angry (read: "hurt"), when my wife would look at me and say she did not realize how i felt or thought about certain things, things i thought she knew... but had never actually articulated to her.

Turns out mind readers not only think they know what others are thinking or their intent, they expect the same from others (and they expect it to be spot on). All of this was not on a conscious level for me, it was just my 'normal,' it was all i knew. 

The funny thing is, when i had my epiphany and realized how communication works, it was as if a life time of bottled up stuff was uncapped. i turned out to be the more communicative one in my marriage (she was afraid to be open, extremely smart, just hidden). And now the poor guys who connect with me often get the full force of my desire/need to communicate and connect.

Of course, i (we) still have no control over the other person. i think it's one of the bigger impediments to relationship that i see discussed on this site (i.e. communication, or the lack thereof).  

i think part of this is due to the fact that many guys have had similar experience as myself, especially from older generations.  It's changing, but guys are often culturally conditioned to hide their feelings. Hell, guys are often taught that "men are rational and women are emotional."  When i became a nurse, a mostly female dominated profession, i found out that the women i interacted with were often far more rational than the men i had interacted with when i was in executive management.  i think men are just as emotional as women (though the feelings may be different), but they are taught to bury their feelings, not be aware of their feelings.

Men often don't even know their feelings and associated thoughts exist, let alone know how to express them. But i believe they are there none the less, and men want to be known, understood and loved as much as women... but i think a lot of men are stuck in the mind reading loop.

i should qualify that i don't think this is just a guy thing, though maybe more prevalent among guys?  I've experienced it as a guy and am more familiar with it with guys, so this particular blog entry is slanted that way. i don't want to come off as absolutist on this, i am not.  i have met more than a few women who expect mind reading as well.  i don't think its an exclusive thing, matched to gender.